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Found 32 results

  1. Struggling with the loss of my Cat

    My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken. Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed. He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late. I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said. However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night? If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here? These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again.
  2. My brother died a little over 4 years ago. I was 30 years old and he was 31. We were best friends. He died unexpectedly one night when we went out drinking to celebrate me moving to live with him and getting a new job. He was a recovering addict (pain pills) and had been sober for at least 3 years. I was completely unaware he was wearing fentanyl patches when we went out drinking. It's a deadly combo in case anyone didn't know. MY DREAM: A few weeks after he died I had the most incredible dream that seemed SO much like real life. it was unlike any other dream I have EVER had. He showed up in my parents house and my parents and him were trying to convince me that he was in fact alive. I was screaming and saying that he was dead. It seemed like it took weeks in the dream to convince me that he was alive and well. Time seemed to be very different in this dream. He was extremely bright and shiny and had the most pure smile. It seemed as though he had found COMPLETE PEACE. He just kept smiling at me and hugging me. We seemed to talk for hours but I don't remember what was said. At one point I do remember asking him "Do you now realize that wearing fentanyl patches and drinking was a terrible idea and that fentanyl is 70% stronger than morphine?!" He peacefully smiled at me and just said "can we just talk about that sometime after we are finished?" I am still not sure what that meant, but I could tell that it wasn't of importance in the "big scheme" of things. At this point I knew we had to go somewhere. I thought we were going out somewhere to talk and hang out. We said goodbye to my parents. We walked out the garage door and walked into a HUGE party with bright lights and lots of people. They were all clapping and celebrating my brother. I kept going around to people at the "party" and telling them "hey, can you believe it?! My brother was dead and now he was alive!" They seemed to look at me as if I was a little child that didn't fully understand things and just smiled. We spent awhile at this party and then he led me out another door. This door went to an old spiral staircase. It was very dark. He walked down the staircase as I floated above. I could tell he was getting increasingly tired as he walked down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs was a little brown box with tubes. He plugged the tubes into himself (and I think he plugged the box into the wall) and he proceeded to lay down in fetal position. I was under the impression that he needed much rest and healing. I have thought of this dream SO many times over the years. Does anyone have an interpretation? Do you think he came to get me to assist him in crossing over?
  3. Why are we here anyway?

    I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..! The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot. The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess, splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling ( Cancer Psychologist from the hospital). I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok! I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway). Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are meaning me! Shudder! Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else. I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone? Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive. God Bless and remember this much. Love never dies. Amen.
  4. My boyfriend was my whole entire world. We may have been young but we knew what we wanted and that was each other. He lost his long fight with depression on August 4th 2017, at the age of 19. But he gained his angel wings to finally fly free and be happy. I am only 18 years old. I am so lost & so broken. We spent everyday together almost & when we weren't together we were either texting or on facetime until we could be with each other again. He had depression since he was a freshman in high school. I met him my 7th grade year of middle school, he was my first everything. We had plans to get an apartment together this month and start our forever.. I am trying to do everything i can to make him proud & express my love for him to him & others. i will never stop loving him, telling people about how amazing of a person he was, and i will never stop wishing that he was still here beside me. I love you my forever for always Tyshawn Napoleon Reese. 12.15.1997-08.04.2017, fly high my angel boy until we meet again. Also, i created a go fund me to help me out with purchasing a tombstone- gf.me/u/cqa7jb
  5. Our baby Toto

    I'm writing this after losing my best friend less than 24 hrs ago. He was a Terrier/ Maltese cross softest dog I've ever known with a unique cheeky clever personality. His name was Toto and he was my new wife's dog from being a tiny pup. My gorgeous wife didn't know the word discipline and 'marded ' him silly on a constant basis which explains his ridiculously soft personality. When my wife and I met over 10 years ago I didn't agree with lack of discipline with animals and letting them sleep on the bed but in time he just worked his magic on me and although I was generally the disciplinarian / alpha in our little family he could get away with murder at times with a cheeky teeth filled grin and pant and soft brown sad eyes that could crack the hardest of nuts. I even let him off itching his bum on my nice cream carpet , he wasn't one for a dirty bum but that was taking the mic! My then girlfriend lived with her parents and a tiny Yorkshire toy girl ( Totos ruling wife mimi)In fact she still does but we married this year ( finally) and waiting to move in our new work in progress house. anyway over the years toto and I became best friends , all be it his main love ❤️ was and will for ever be my Wife as they developed a bond that can only be described as soul mates. Toto was attacked when he was young on an estate and since he could not tolerate other dogs , he almost went into a panic stricken frenzy every time he saw one which no amount of training or conditioning could solve, as a result we just tried to avoid everywhere with dogs and I picked him up and distracted him whilst they passed ..... something which this certain little boy cottoned on too right away! This year he was 11 but very fit , still pulling us both round the lakes as we have a caravan up there which he loved. He adored walking everywhere and showed no signs of tiring or weakness. What an unbelievable thirst for life and an endless supply of love he had for us! It was literally infectious his energy and teddy bear loving ways. He had an ongoing issue with his ear, constantly reforming fungus/ polyps which he often scratched/ infected / needed treatment. As a result he was under a vet who saw him regularly , a month ago he developed a cough , the vet explained when he looked at him this was just a collapsed trachea , common in such breeds and nothing to be concerned about. We were happy to learn this and despite the fact he didn't check him over with a stethoscope or do any tests we were convinced this must be the problem. We continued to see the vet regularly for his ear and this week he had a severe episode of breathlessness which worried us a lot , we were advised that we should keep him cool as it was very hot and humid , sure enough after an hour or so of rapid breathing he improved and slept the next morning seemed better. He happened to have an appt for his ear again later that day so when we took him we explained the main worry was this freak episode and my wife said she thought he was going to die at one point. He again shrugged this off to trachea and said that no further tests would be needed and that he even listed him for surgery and a removal of some polyps the following Tuesday. Again no real thorough assessment no investigations it was late as we were the last of his pts and he was running over 30 mins late. We even asked if bronchodilators may help or anything should such an awful episode like that happen again might ease his symptoms, he just suggested a cool vest. I have to mention that the vets is cheap compared as he does not charge for appointments only if treatment required. As a result he's incredibly busy and apts are quick. I actually think he's a good vet but he's so busy he just isn't thorough as may be he should. Im off work at present as helping do up our shell of a house but kept an eye on him and all seemed ok apart from his bark seemed diminished like his throat was tight seemed more of a hough. We returned from cinema late Friday night and as routine always follows he came upstairs. According to my wife he seemed slow and just sat on the top of the stairs out of behaviour. He then came in the room but panting fast like he had before. I lifted him on the bed as I always do and he seemed not himself, panting very fast. We thought as we did before this must be his trachea like before and put the fan on whilst stroking him and calming him. I searched online looking for remedies , cool him down .... maybe throat gold.....put him on a diet long term ......calm him down. As the hours past his symptoms didn't , I started measuring his respiratory rate 123bpm.....121......120.....122 and so on , surely too fast as online it states much slower and that respiratory distress is an emergency. I couldn't see him like this any longer so I rang an emergency line. I spoke to a pleasant lady and told her everything. She agreed it was right to ring and asked if we were trying to cool him down and is he deteriorating. I said not particularly but he isn't improving. I feel most guilty for then asking how much a consultation would be , she said 160 initial then any treatment is extra after that. She explained our vet has a clinic in the morning even though different clinic we could see him first thing. Now I know for my boy I would spend thousands on him to my last penny if he needed it but we agreed with the vet that we would take him in should he worsen, hoping a repeat of him improving like last time. I don't know why I didn't just take him, I knew he wasn't well and couldn't settle or even lie down. I hate myself for this , I was his protector and I just let him down this goes around my head all the time. That night/ early morning we stroked him , my wife held him up to offload his belly to try and ease his symptoms , she did this for over an hour to help. He seemed at one point to improve but his panting continued. About 6am I had slept for a few hours , again something I feel awful for, I woke to my wife saying he still wasn't right. I rang the vet again but it just rang off so I checked online and they were opening at 9am. We continued to cuddle him in the hope he'd improve. We went straight to the vets ( not original one as we'd lost trust with him now) and almost was seen within 15 mins. a new vet saw him and did a thorough assessment. To our horror he explained he could hear a murmur and also said all this did not seem like trachea at all but he had to rule out heart failure? Now Toto has been such a fit dog , no real sign of any fatigue or weakness before. It can't be this surely ??!!! We are both physios worked in respiratory and very aware of heart failure symptoms and onset. We suddenly thought maybe this explains the initial cough , maybe his lungs are flooding ???? Why have I let him go without immediate treatment if so? Have we just ignored these symptoms last night thinking it was trachea and all along he was in Acute heart failure.... surely not! Why have I just being presuming on such an important life ? the vet took him and explained he will put oxygen on him and sedate him to lie him down and X-ray him. I felt some relief that something was being done. We both thought maybe if it's heart failure he could have a drain in his lungs then be given iv antidiuretics and be on heart meds long term and we'd have our baby back ! He said he'd ring us but to go away for a while until then. We went into town as j had an appointment at spec savers , didn't feel like going but maybe it will take our mind of our worries. The call came in town from the vet , his first words were 'I'm sorry it's not good news'. He might as well have but a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. This wasn't happening. He explained that very shortly after we handed him over to be cared for he put oxygen on him and started to sedate him for the X-ray. He started vomiting blood so he further sedated him and then he had a cardiac arrest. He explained he got him back but didn't know whether he'd suffered brain damage. We rushed back to see him, the vet took us in and explained he'd just passed. That was it .......my boy ....my best pal .... my life , my wife's lifelong companion ! I couldn't understand why when he was so fit before, why had this not been picked up sooner. We could have managed his heart better ! we then were lead round to see him , the worst moment of my life , just laid on the bed all still. Our baby. I cant describe how we feel , it's like this bundle of joy and happiness in our life was left with a massive hole. Just too sad for words. Then anger at the vet. We feel like we've been cheated out of a few years more. This is where it only begins , we'd packed his bag for the caravan with meds / food/ poo bags/ a toy/ his lead and harness. im so angry I'm so upset I'm crying all the time I just don't know what to do all of the time. Don't want to go for a walk or go to the van or do anything. The only thing which seems to help is talking about him and how wonderful he was. Ive come to realise though that this isn't it. He's going to be part of my future too. When we get his body back from the crem we will have him back in the house so he can find his way back to us. Well show him the new house when it's done and tell him he's always invited. I lost my wedding ring on honeymoon and want to get a replacement with some of his hair inside if possible. We will take him upstairs to our room at night and back down to the hall in the morning until we move. Sounds a little weird but we feel this is right. the thought of returning to my house with all his stuff there strikes fear within me or going to the van without him. One day I truly believe I'll see him again and play with him and take him for walks , it's the only way. There m not sure anyone is crazy enough to read this but to be honest just writing about him feels right. I know it's not just me with Toto , I can't begin to feel how my wife is feeling or her parents who are at home with him all these years. Hes our first child really and always will be , if we have kids they will know all about him and all the funny stories we will tell them. I wish my pain would go but in a way my pain is linked to him because I loved him so and I want to turn that pain into joy and a feeling of his specialness inside me forever like I'm now carrying him with me throughout life forever. My wife is worried that he'll be on his own now in heaven or trying to find his way. I know this isn't so , he's such a special dog that he'll have his way of finding us , he'll be with us and when we get his body back he'll continue to see how much we love him and he'll remain with us forever. His journey with us goes on until the next chapter when we are all together again which will happen again in time. Thanks for listening dave
  6. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  7. Missing Nala!!!

    So my precious Nala was a few short months shy of 13. I always think that my pets will beat the average age...guess it's wishful thinking on my part. Took her to the hometown vet about 3 weeks ago because she was hoarse. Doc said to start her out on an antihistamine because if she didn't get better he'd sedate her and see if she had polyps. She didn't get better and I started noticing she would lay in a box in my closet a good bit of the time. I still didn't think she was near death: life happened...my Dad had a pacemaker installed and my husband was hospitalized and had surgery as soon as my Dad was released. We were out of town for a week and I couldn't get Nala in until tomorrow to see the hometown vet. She ate as soon as we got back into town and I was really excited. But I noticed her breathing seemed to be more labored after a coughing fit. Then the next day she barely ate or drank...she wanted to I think but it was too difficult for her. I took her to a 24 hr hospital yesterday, thinking I'd take her home with me and she had bronchitis or pneumonia. My heart sank when the vet took X-rays and told me Nala had malignant cancer in her lungs and had fluid completely surrounding the mass which was making it difficult to breathe. It still was not registering until she said she recommended euthanasia. I was not ready for that but I'd seen my baby earlier struggling to breathe like I'd never seen before. I'm still devastated. But at least I got to be with her until the end and here her purr and see those beautiful green eyes. When she wasn't coughing she was fine so when they brought her back, she was sedated and relaxed so I got to spend peaceful last few moments with her and tell her that I'm sure wherever God had prepared for her would be awesome even though I didn't know where. I can only imagine it's gorgeous! So many great memories and I'm trying to write them down and just let out my wails as I can. I refuse to hold it in and I refuse to apologize. I miss her greatly but I know I was the one that was blessed to have her as my furbaby living angel for almost 13 years. Maybe a week or so before I took her to the vet initially, I stubbed my pinkie toe in the corner of the bed frame and let out an agonizing scream! In Nala's authentic concern for me, she ran over to me as if to say, "Mommy, are you ok?!!" My toe fully healed a day or 2 before she died. That is one of the many things I'll miss about my furbaby Abel, Nala. God, thank You for blessing us with these sweet angels that give and receive love. Nala on 4/11/17 after her initial vet appointment. She was such a beauty and girlie-girl!
  8. Loss of my boy cat

    2 years ago on July 2nd, 2015 an angel came into my life. I had had cats my entire life but this one was unlike any I'd ever known. I rescued him from a horrible situation-he had a broken leg and was scarily malnourished. He was under a month old. I raised money to pay for his surgery on his leg, I nursed him back to health, and I took him back East with me for my senior year of college. He was my best friend. In college I was depressed, lonely, isolated, and angry. But he was there with me through it all, helping to make my life easier. I got him another kitty to spend his days with, and she loved him as much as I did. They were my children, my angels, my best friends, and best friends to each other. They spent 9 months with me in college, and then moved back home with me when I graduated. Everyone loved him, though. She was a sweet kitty, but he was special. I named him Lumière, because he was the light of my life. We live in a coyote populated territory. But they loved the outdoors more than anything. I didn't want to deprive them of a life they enjoyed. So I allowed them access to the outside world, and they had the most amazing life. She's still with me, but she's not the same. We're both trying to cope. He went missing exactly a month ago. I can't cope. I feel guilty every second. I feel like a part of me is gone. I haven't talked to anyone about this because people judge it being a pet, but even typing this I feel a little better. I'm not a good mother, I should never have let him outside. He was too slow, too friendly, too domestic. I should've been smarter. I can't deal with this pain. I will never feel whole again.
  9. Loss of my Cat

    I am really struggling with the death of my 15 year old cat, Moo. I made the choice to put him down on Wednesday after a long happy life together. We were best friends. I got him for my tenth birthday, we did everything together. I knew he had kidney disease, but I had him on a special diet and medication until he started bleeding from his back end on Tuesday. We went to the vet and he told me it would cost thousands to just figure out what exactly was causing him so much discomfort. He stopped eating, drinking. But part of me still thinks I made a horrible choice to end his life. He wasn't looking good but I keep thinking, what if he got better. The vet gave me an option to take him home for a few weeks with new medication, but it likely wouldn't have worked. I feel so guilty for it. What if he had more time here and I took it away from him. The thought of never seeing him again kills me. If anyone has any advice, it might help me...
  10. Lost my soul mate

    I lost my husband and soul mate suddenly in a car accident on Nov. 28th of this year. We met when I was 14 and married when I was 16. We were married for 13 years and had 2 beautiful little boys together. They're 12 and 10 now. We were a very close family. We did absolutely everything together and I mean everything. My husband and I were fortunate enough to spend almost every waking moment together and never got tired of each other. I was always excited to see him and talk to him. I was always wrapped in his arms or holding his hands. I just don't know how to live or function without him. This terrifies me because like I said we have 2 boys together. I know I have to be strong for them and keep it together, but this is the hardest, most painful thing I've ever even imagined. Please tell me how to make this pain even a little better. I'm so lost now and no one seems to be able to relate or understand.
  11. It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year. I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday. The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons. He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow.
  12. Hello everyone, It has been about a year now since I posted on here, however after identifying all those needing help like I did I wanted to share my grief blog with you all. Last year not only did it reach people around the world, but the response I had was really meaningful and just showed me how much it helped others. So I want to help you. Here is the link below https://believement.wordpress.com All my love xxxx
  13. Hello everyone, It has been about a year now since I posted on here, however after identifying all those needing help like I did I wanted to share my grief blog with you all. Last year not only did it reach people around the world, but the response I had was really meaningful and just showed me how much it helped others. So I want to help you. Here is the link below https://believement.wordpress.com All my love xxxx
  14. Young Love, Old Hearts

    It seems like my grief is so minimal after reading about so many people losing 25 year relationships and so forth...But I still feel it so strong. I am 26, my love passed away a year and a half ago, and we were together 4 years. He was 24 when he died, and I was a month from turning 25. He had so much to live for, so much to do. He was a beyond amazing ballet dancer that had so much to share with the world. His dancing was so flawless, passionate, illuminating, so entrancing he even got into the American Ballet Theater in New York among many others. This grief consumes me some days but it doesn't others because I am strong. I know how to stay busy, and know he wouldn't want that of me. Thats the days though. Nights? I talk to him, cry with him, hold him, and laugh with him. I cannot find it within me to stop, to accept the idea that maybe he can't hear me anymore. So many people might see this as I have my whole life ahead of me "its only a matter of time." "You're young." Especially after they grasp the whole story and put together the pieces that this was definitely not the most perfect relationship. The perfect love, maybe. Two half souls who found each other and became whole again. But, he made many mistakes, bad ones. The worst you can think of. If I label them people lose the magic they see in our love story. The one thing that never changed, except for strengthening, was how much he loved me. His poetic way stole my heart, and no matter what he did my faith would not lesson, my love never dented. Mistakes don't define a person, and he was always so remorseful of the troubles he brought upon himself. He was always trying but didn't believe in himself. He always thought he could find the easy way out. But isn't that how being young is? Thinking you can find a better way? And having to learn the hard way? Cut corners? My Davey ran out of time. We all have a habit of relying on time, but that is the most common downfall. One cannot just expect life to work with us, we have to work with life. I started this blog wanting to rant about my best friend who decided to berate me for inconveniencing her with my grief. It was his birthday today, the 27th, (its after midnight now) and I asked her days ago to have a drink with me tonight in his honor so I wasn't alone. Tonight she decided she'd rather stay at her other friends house, and not spend money on a beer, when thats what she does every night anyways. I don't push my grief onto people in my life, but I talk about him every other day or so. Triggered memories, and things I learned from him. To my friend? This is me not getting over it, not moving on. Bullshit. I'm not going to just stop talking about 4 years of my life just because the inspiration of that time has died, just because it makes you uncomfortable that the memory I'm sharing is of someone that is dead. That doesn't mean my memories have died, that doesn't mean I want to remember him any less. I share my memories with a smile on my face not crying it out. I only cry at night when the empty bed can share my pain, and not every night... I don't wish to share pain with people in my life, push that energy onto them. She treats his memory like some asshole who made those mistakes and left me. Not someone who was my best friend, my pillar, my right hand who made me feel beautiful, unique, and magical, who was fighting hard demons, and never got to see that battle out. She said some unforgivable things about how she is strong and I am not. This is coming from a girl who has it easy, has her dad pay for everything then cries for a year and still crying about some boy she fucked for 2 months going back to his ex. How can she tell me I'll hurt forever because I still express love for him? There is so much more she angered me over, but its not what I want to remember right now. I want to remember him. I want to share the magical way he was, the way he moved, spoke, laughed, and why I find it so hard to get past this. I might have so much time ahead of me (or maybe not, time cannot be predicted) but that just seems worse. Any other love I foresee going forward seems so pale compared to what I felt with him. Even the connections I make with non-love interests. After being so in-sync with someone I am hyper aware of what a true connection really feels like. Mistakes aside he was a beautiful person who deserved to defeat his demons. He wasn't going to give up until he beat them. But then the pneumonia hit, and he had weakened himself too much to fight it. I just see myself with some husband down the road wondering, will he care that when we both die, it is Davey I will be gliding towards as my soul breaches that dimension? How will someone ever want to marry a woman who's heart belongs to a dead man? I wouldn't be so cruel to not let my future relationships not know the complexity of my past, the depth. I would never lure someone into a false sense of security. Do I truly have to pretend I'm not so invested for someone to truly see me? As opposed to seeing what I feel, and the lost light in my eyes? Maybe that is dramatic. I am pretty damn good at going about my day as "me." I suppose only I notice the slight change of optimism, that hint of humorous cynicism that colors my tone nowadays. The taste of "**** it," and the urgency for people to see what bigger problems lay beyond what their shallow eyes can see. What experience brings, and what growth really means. What it truly means to gain wisdom. It means pain. It means sacrifice. It means love. To love unconditionally? I cannot stress enough that to love so completely is not so simple. Unconditionally is to not judge, not keep count, not feel entitled, or malicious when things go wrong. I'm tired of people acting like I was too good for him to still be grieving for him. Just because he fucked up doesn't make him any less worthy of love. Only less susceptible to trust, and that can be gained. I have come to the conclusion that it is a curse to feel so much, to love so much, but it is more of a blessing. It may bring pain, but I would rather hurt like this, be misunderstood, than live an empty, self centered, self entitled, delusional life. I live for his love, his memory, and I'll be damned if anyone tries to discredit what we had because of what was left on the surface, unfinished and unresolved. I don't need or condone that negativity in my life. His memory is enough to get me through their judgement. I have to keep telling myself that. His dancing, beauty, passion, and devotion for me is inspiration enough to keep putting my feet forward. He is my light, my angel, my moon, and he is waiting for me.
  15. So basically I was dating my best friend. Our relationship goes back a few years. I met her about roughly 6 to 7 years ago. We tried dating anyways it didn't work. She moved 3 provinces away from me and we started to reconnect about 2 years ago. She came down and visited all of her friends and that's when we started dating. Long story short we were crazy in love and she eventually moved back and moved in with me. She always talked about how she's never been so happy because we were best friends. We knew everything about each other. Anyways the one weekend I needed to see my dad because ever since we moved in together I hadn't seen him in a while so she went and stayed with her dad for a bit. Another long story short she ended up ending her life that weekend. It's been 5 months without her and I still don't think I'm goin to make it. I still cry uncontrollably. I still and deeply in love with her and everyday life tasks are harder than ever. I would have given up anyone in my life to have her back. I went through a lot of stuff in my life and even when it was bad it was never that bad because I had her. Now I'm lost. I'm basically like living to die. I'm not actually alive though because it just seems like nothing in this life will ever compare to making me as happy as she did. I miss her and I just don't know how to get through this. - Luke
  16. It's been just over two years now since my dad passed away and it hurts the same everyday that goes by, the pain doesn't get any easier and little things I see related to him just remind me of him so much and absolutely kills me inside. The biggest regret I have which burns me inside was that the last night before he passed away he waited up for me till 4am but I didn't come home till 6am because I had a stupid argument with my friend and after coming home I didn't kiss him good night as I used to then at 8am all I heard was my sister screaming that he wouldn't wake up and when I ran downstairs there he was asleep straight up on the sofa. He passed away a week and a half after my 20th birthday and I find it so hard to move on, I still get flashbacks of doing chest compressions on him, the ambulance responder using the electric machine which made my dad's body jump in the air, it all still haunts me and when I sit in that room I can picture my dad infront of me. The bubbly, happy man who always made me happy and never said no to me is no longer here and I always feel like it'd my fault for not being a better son and providing him with the pride he deserveed such as me getting my first job, passing my driving. I did all this after he passed away and it eats at me that he raised me for 20 years and just as I was getting to the point of being able to show him his hard work wasn't in vein and now he left me. Life doesn't feel the same anymore but I try my best to be there for my mum and younger sister. :’(
  17. Summer 2014

    Spending time with my mom <3
  18. Thanksgiving 2013

    Me with my best friend; my mom! I miss hear dearly and will love her always >3
  19. Hi, I'm Gia. I had a 19 year old brother, Gio. I am 13, a teenager. My brother and I were very close and shared everything. We had a rough past, and went through it together. We needed each other.. On August 26th, my brother died in his sleep. It's a generic thing that only will happen to him. His body shut down by his own tissue blockage and died in his sleep. My mother found him dead. I was at school when it happened. My mother came home at 10am to find him dead. My school gets out at 3pm, and I wasn't aware of the situation at all. It was the second day of school, and an ordinary day to me. I was walking with my BEST friend, and we were walking to my stepdad's car. I had opened my snapchat, to find a picture of my friend with a sad face and crying. I thought nothing of it, and thought she just had a bad day. I also recieved a text from my brothers girlfriend, saying "I love you so much, so so much." Again, I thought nothing of it, as she was very sweet and caring. My friend and I got in my stepdads car, and I could immediately tell he was acting funny. My stepdad is a loud person, kinda like a morning person. But, that day, he was very quiet as we drove home. I asked if my friend could come over, and he said no. I asked why, and he said "Honey, she can't." I was still confused, but didn't say anything else. My stepdad took a different way to my friend's house, as the path to her house usually passed mine, but I didn't think anything of it. We then dropped my friend off, and pulled up to our house. There were police cars everywhere, about 3 or 4 approximately. I was confused, very confused. I ran out of the car, and into the house. Tons, and TONS of my family members were there, and crying with tissues. They were all staring at me, and not saying a word. I felt so confused. "What happened?" I kept asking, and no one replied. My mom came through the hallway, and didn't say anything. My body was shaking, and I felt very nervous. "Mom, what happened?" I kept asking, and she kept saying, "Come into my room." On our way to my moms room, is my brothers room. There were police officers around it, and a doctor. I heard a machine, and instantly my mind went crazy. I knew from that moment, he was gone. We arrived into my moms room, and her close friends were inside. My mom said words I wish never had to exist or be said. I cried in her arms for an hour. From there, my world came crashing down. It was the worst time. School had just started, there was an important wedding coming up, and expensive concerts. Everything was a blur, and I felt crazy. I saw my brother's body, and I can never forget the picture. Sometimes in class it just pops up in my mind. It haunts me. I didn't think I would have a life after this happened. I thought I would be homeschooled, and have no friends. I gave up, really. I didn't think I can live without him. Here I am, almost 6 months (in 2 days it will be the 6 month anniversary) from his passing. I am a strong Christian, and that really helped me with this time. I had 'signs' as my family calls them, from my brother. If you've had any, I'd love to hear them from you, and share some of mine with you. I promise it will get better, it really will. And I reccomend going to a grief support group, or a grief share. At first I thought it was stupid, but it helped to know others are in my position. I wish you the best, whoever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
  20. This is long, and to the one most dearest to my heart ever. I lost my mom. To say that I lost just that, is the biggest understatement. She's been my best friend, the one who's always been there for me and always loved me, and I the same for her. I care about her more than anything in the world. I'd been her caretaker since she was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year, and had always just been with her before that (we'd pretty much always been best friends and I know her the best, and she knows me). She always knew how much I loved her and I told her, but after the diagnosis I would tell her at least 10 times a day how much I love her, would give her kisses constantly, hug her and lay with her and hold her hand, and rub her back all the time. She knew how much I loved her and commented on how much I did, I know it made her feel so good inside. I researched good foods for her to eat, the correct vitamins that long term survivors were taking, researched all the clinical trials we could put her on. I was on top of everything. She also got so much love and support from friends and other family members, she was happily blown away by how many people cared about her. I told her "of course, who wouldn't love you?" That always made her smile. My sister came to help and actually did a lot for a while, but ended up not being around as much after time had passed, so everything was back on me. Talking to doctors, researching (which I didn't know anything about before and had to learn quick so I could help my mom, she was counting on me and I would never let her down. I would do anything for her). I know my father loves my mom, but he would watch tv all day, but he even did that before she got sick. He would go out and do chores and buy groceries, I guess that's the most he could do. He would get her food or things she needed if she was cold or needed medication, but for the most part it was all on me to take care of everything, even him, though he is relativity healthy. They're both in their early 70's and had been together since their teens, and my mom was seemingly very healthy before all this happened. She still had been working, while he had been retired for a good while with no problems. She never looked her age, she was always so beautiful and youthful looking, no one would ever guess she was in her 70's. Watching my loving mother, really the rock of my life that always had been there for me, seeing her health decline and body change was so hard. To know this is the person I love without a doubt more than anyone in the world and to know I'm doing all I can for her and not sure if it was going to help, killed me everyday. I never wanted her to be afraid, and we were doing everything we could for her and researching any and all the options out there. She was going to be the exception. We stayed extremely positive and so did she, she was going to fight and I told her I would be there every step of the way and as long as she didn't give up I would never give up on her. I told her to give me all her burden and I would take it on my shoulders. I really did think my love would somehow help heal her, as we worked on other things like chemo and nutrition, meditation, praying, and positive thinking. This really seemed to work and she got better for a couple months, then the chemo stopped working. She very much loved and believed in God. I thought it was just a matter of time before we got her on another modality that was going to help her. Seeing her in the hospital was unbearable at the end (though I didn't know that was happening at the time). I spent all my time with her as I always did whenever she was in the hospital, just coming home to shower and recharge so I could go back and be with her. I would hold her hand constantly and just try to keep her mood up, hug her and tell her how much I love her and just talk about normal things. She only went in to the hospital for something minor that was due to the cancer and we all thought she would be out in a couple days, which turned into almost 2 weeks. She got better, then things happened and seemed to go wrong and a major blood vessel problem changed everything. She told me she loved me and I did to her, and had such love in my eyes when I looked at her because I didn't want her to be scared in any way. I knew things didn't look good. The last 2 days were more than horrendous. She was no longer responsive and I knew I was losing my fight to help my mom heal and get better. I promised her I would, it was my job to take care of her and I could feel everything moving so fast and I couldn't help her. There was family drama going on during all of this (and after), which makes it even harder. Watching her go was the worst thing I've ever experienced, to hear the breaths get shorter and I knew what was coming. I held her and told her I lover her over and over, played her favorite music, and sang our favorite songs into her hear. I never thought this would happen. One day, maybe very far in the future but not now. Not her. Not my mom. She was such a good person, but cancer doesn't care what kind of person you are. Neither do some doctors who's bedside manner made me want to punch them as hard as humanly possible in the face. It's only been a couple of weeks. I can't stop thinking about the last days and how she looked and all the images and occurrences with family that I have in my mind. Even how she would ask me months before if she was dying, and I would tell her no we're doing all we can for you, we're gonna get you better. That's exactly what we were working so hard on. It was so heartbreaking to hear her ask me that. I knew very clearly that it was my purpose to be there to help her. She told me I was the one who made her feel so much better, so calm, and that everything was going to be alright. That made me feel so happy, that I was helping her in some very real way. She loved me so much, as I love her so much. I thought it was my life's mission to get her better. I feel I failed. Those images, being with her as she went (though I was proud to do, and proud to do everything I did for her and would do it all the same in a heartbeat). I know she didn't feel alone in her fight, my dad and sister made her feel supported as well, just not as consistent as our relationship did. I would calm her when she did get scared, and tell her we're gonna do the best we can to get you better. I never wanted her to feel alone. I don't think she did very often, I was with her just about 24/7, physically and emotionally. People say that at least she's not in pain now, and I definitely never wanted her to be in any pain. I could never have even in my worst dreams imagined this, truly, maybe other family members but I never even considered this would happen to her, not my Mom. I empathize so much with people that it hurts me really bad to see someone I love suffer. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. I can't seem to help it but I keep seeing those last day horrible images in my head. It comes to me when I wake, during the day and at night. I can't stop crying. I cry intensely, everyday. I know it's all had a very traumatic effect on me, I'm sensitive by nature in the first place. I try not to think about those moments when I knew she probably was scared because they hurt me the most. When scary stuff was happening, and I was the only one there to help, until the nurses came, scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be brave for her and take care of things, just like I knew she would absolutely do for me. Then later to see her body change and her becoming non-responsive, and sweating profusely. Then seeing her get strong medication so she wasn't in pain as the doctors said, but I knew she was to a certain degree because she was losing her battle and she did not want to lose it in any way, she was such a fighter. I know she fought to stay with me, I wanted her to as well, and also for herself. The family I have now without her is extremely unsupportive emotionally. We barely talk, though my sister takes care of my dad and pays him much attention. We had trouble in the past but she is still cruel to me, even after everything that has happened. She has returned home which is far away, but still is very domineering and bossy. My brother is very unconcerned and seems to not really care at all, he has his own family on the east coast and is seems to be very settled in it. It makes me so sad because I know my Momma cares about him so much and my family treated him like "the golden child", now that tragedy struck he is so emotionally detached, and just seems to care less. He is happy and has developed a very separate life that doesn't include our nuclear family, other than on the surface. My remaining family is very cold emotionally, and generally towards me, and not involved in my life. My mom was the exception. There was true love and caring(and still is) between her and I, and I know that will never be replaced. That hurts inside so bad. I don't have a spouse, so I'm now all alone trying to deal with all these emotions that I'm having such a hard time trying to process. As time is passing it's getting harder, as it's all sinking in. I think the burden would be easier if I had some compassionate people in my life, people who care to talk to and spend time with. Whenever I talk about how I feel in the least bit I get the uncomfortable feeling from others that I should just keep a stoic appearance and not make them uncomfortable. That is so, so, isolating. I also get the message that what I have done has been forgotten, and now I have to "take care of my Dad". Like I didn't give my blood and everything I had and tried to take care of my dearest Momma, and also my father at the time (who is capable of taking care of himself) and try to feed myself and get some rest in the meantime- all forgotten, like it never existed, never happened. The trauma of witnessing all that I saw to the one most special and dear to my heart, gives me this daily horrible pain in my chest that I wake up with, like someone's ripping my heart to pieces and I can't breathe. I have horrible nightmares all the time, and go from not sleeping at all, to sleeping 16 hours. I have dreams that I have cancer, that spiders are coming out of people's mouth's and last night that a spider laid a web around most of my body and as I tried to peel it off, it was like a flesh eating virus and my lower layer of epidermis was exposed, looking something like raw prosciutto ham, even on my private parts. Very disturbing. Nothing at all interests me, even things I did enjoy. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to do with myself or where even I want to be in the future. I can't think of anything. I can't even think of a single thing I want or really want to do in general. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I don't even know what I want to do career wise, as I quit my job to be with my Momma and take care of her, and been running off of savings I've built up. I don't even care about that as work in this current condition doesn't seem like it will be happening very soon. I'm having a hard enough time trying to keep myself together right now. Nothing seems to be going the right way or making sense. I feel like I'm in some parallel universe where everything I would never want to have happen, has. If I go out in public alone I feel so dead inside, I don't relate to anyone and everyone feels so "far" away, like they're not even real. Sometimes it's nice though just to get out and talk to a stranger, because the people I do have as remaining family that are supposed to be there for me are non existent, or just don't want to help. I think they see me as some kind of emotional problem they don't want to deal with. "If you just ignore it, it'll go away", is how my family has worked, and to some degree some of my friends also. I do have a couple friends who are very supportive, but they have their own lives which are very busy, but do manage to make some time for me. That really helps when that happens. I've had counseling in the past for depression, which had been mildly effective at best. I still try. It seems to be difficult to find someone who is skilled enough to actually really help. The people who do try to help say things like "she's in a beautiful place", and "you've got such a great future the sky's the limit!". Really? It's only been a COUPLE of weeks, are you really saying that right now?? I know people mean the best and are trying, but really that is way too soon. If they understood how I've been feeling, they wouldn't say that. Actually some do know, and still say those things. I put all my effort and time into helping my mom, and because I only wanted to see her get better. She did too. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been left in this horrible place without my one true north, my rock, my best friend. A mother can never be replaced. She was the one I'd go to to tell her about my day, and she would to me. We'd both make each other feel better when the other was down, and were each other's personal cheering section. I have a hard time getting close to people and making bonds that seem to last, I'm not exactly sure why that is because I try to be the best friend I can be. My mom was always there and I feel like maybe I took that for granted in thinking she'd always would be. I've done a lot of things in life but I knew she was always there for me and just a phone call away. No matter how far I travelled, I could always call her and tell her what was going on in my life and share feelings and emotions with her, as she would. That's what moms do, they love you unconditionally, pick you up when you're down, and make you feel safe and loved. I know time is supposed to help but I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. With all the circumstances I'm going through, it's making it even harder. Though I hate to say this in regards to the fact of having anyone suffer, it is comforting to know there are people out there going through similar pain and experiences that I am. No one I know in real life has gone through something like this. It makes it harder to relate to someone who doesn't understand the pain you're experiencing so intensely. There's such a big hole. It hurts so bad. If you've never been that close to somebody, you have no idea how it feels. I try to block my mind from thinking anything, and that has been working temporarily, but I know it's going to catch up to me. I just want to hear her voice, and talk to her. I would be telling her all these things and talking to her, now I have nobody. I try to fake it and make like I'm okay, because people don't want to know how you're really doing. The more time passes, the more scared I get for how I'm going to deal with this.
  21. I cannot believe its already the 13th of December. In a little over a month, it will be three years since my mom passed away. I STILL cannot believe it. I mean I can, but it brings me so much sadness and grief when I think about her. It is almost as though I have to find the hidden corners of my memory to remember her in health, where as in reality all my life that I spent with her, was when she was healthy. Why does this happen? I am not sure. But recovery is not something that happens over a year, ha! its close to almost 3 and I still am not even halfway. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer in 2012. The world did not end, but for me, a huge part of what I knew and understood about the world and life did end. The source of love, not just any love, but UNCONDITIONAL love was gone. To think that I will never see her again hurts me so much. I cannot fathom that concept. I am not sure how i go about life everyday and how I have done that since the last three years. All I know is, my mom would not want me to feel this way, but it really so damn hard to be happy when she is not around. My mother, sister and I have been through so much in life. The loss of my father, very suddenly, in 2001 being one of them. I was 14. very young, understood death enough to know that he would not come back, but definitely was not mature enough to process it well. I was so young and so was my sister, ( oh my god, i still remember the horror of hearing about death of my father, some parts of it very vivid ( almost as though i had an outer body experience of watching myself cry with eyelids swollen to extreme, waking up at night) and others very blurry ( apparently I tried to jump off my terrace ( or so I have been told by a family friend who I met couple of months after mom had passed) but all I remember is a bunch of women surrounding me telling me " what is wrong with you? think about your mother". ) As I am writing this, I can feel a huge lump in my throat and im crying profusely. I was not able to think- to be honest- i do not even know how i managed it all. But now after having lost my mother, and married to my wonderful amazing husband, I cannot fathom how she managed it. "those women" surrounding me were right- THINK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. I will just have to forgive myself because I was really young, and distraught and I eat all my sadness, to the point that its manifested in many ways- PCOS, im sure if I see a shrink they will diagnose me with depression ( i refuse to give into any labels that defines me sick because I see it as a process of healing, and it takes time) I most definitely have PTSD ( I am still trying to cope with it- I will talk about what I am finally doing to take care of myself- later) and it has affected my emotional wellbeing, and even my skin now. ( i am breaking out in rashes/ eczema/ psoriasis like) that the doctors just cannot figure out what its about after draining a gallon of blood and numerous allergy tests). I lost both my parents when they were away from me. I did not get a chance to see them. the horror and pain that brings me is out of control. There are days when I can cope with it, and other days I am spiraling in sadness and as soon as i hit the very bottom- somehow I can rise up. I feel so guilty about some of things i said to my mother when she was sick, pushing her to eat when she didnt want to, being frustrated because I couldnt help her. and acting out because of it. It is so absolutely hard to think about those times and not see how I could have been a better person, more understanding, more loving, more supportive but now that it is all gone, I do not know how to forgive myself anymore. I know for a fact that my mom wouldn't want me to feel this way but then, I cannot hear her say it so how do i know for sure? I just celebrated by 27th birthday last month and i was so sad because ma would call me to say happy birthday. Its been 3 birthdays and she hasnt, and she won't. its funny to also think how selfishly we celebrate our birthday as though it is something that only belongs to us! shouldnt it actually be my mothers day? she birthed me. when my friend talked about how birthdays can be so selfish, i realised how for most of my life, it was about me, but now it is all about her. Ma, i miss you so much. She wanted to see me graduate from school and next week I am graduating but shes not going to be there. I got married two months ago, and I took my mom and my dad's photo to the city clerks office because i couldnt believe that they wouldnt be there. and upon asking my husband to take a picture of me, my sister who was present, with our parent's photo- both of us starting crying. It is still so hard. I do not even talk about it with my friends or people I know. I can only talk about death with people that have a real understanding of it. Or it feels like I am talking to a wall. who looks back at me, but does not see me. or how I feel. Some people say that a sudden death is worse than an anticipated death. hahaha! what a strange thing to say. I have been on both side and neither of them is easy. at all. neither! infact waiting for my mom to (not) die was one of the hardest things i have been through in my life. I can actually say this with certainty as of now- the hardest thing that i have been through. But that opened up the concept of what losing your spouse or your child would mean. I want to take this chance ( if anyone will ever read this) to say that if you have lost your child, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. i cannot imagine how hard that must be. To me that is the greatest pain a person can go through. Losing your spouse/lover is probably the other hardest. Now I am talking like everyone who tries to create a hierarchy for loss. I do not mean to. I will keep writing, I guess, but I really just want to help everyone that is dealing with loss too- i feel like if i can be of any help or insight to anyone- it will help me out in the process. I hope that everyone who is going through loss has faith and patience. Only time and you yourself can heal it. And you ought to love yourself enough to heal yourself. Life is too short and its not a cliche. It is the truth. Couple of things I have been doing lately to heal myself ( mostly because now that my skin is physically reminding me of my inner state) is - Pranayama ( breathing exercise) 30 mins a day. I split it into two or three parts so its easier to do so. I do anulom bilom/ bhrastika/ shitali/ and kapalbhati - I am drinking a lot of juices/ fruits and vegetables and taking herbs ( tulsi/ and different ayurvedic herbs for liver and blood cleanse, like tumeric/ ginger and garlic) ayurvedic herbs are really good as supplement to get rid of toxins in your body. Stress and energy blockages can create toxins too, so this should be taken if you know adequate information about it, and also if you are not allergic. I have begun doing this since three weeks- i will keep posting more when i learn more. - I am doing 20 minute workout just to keep myself physically fit. - drinking green tea/ tulsi tea. Herbal tea and cut out coffee/ alcohol and taking a break from smoking. - meditating. For those who have the means to travel- i suggest go to asia/ nepal or india or around that region.Or travel the world. meeting people from all walks of life teaches one a lot! I am from Nepal. We deal with death very differently back home- its all in the open. nothing is hidden and death is not a taboo. much love.
  22. I have been following grieving.com on Facebook ever since I discovered it a couple of months back in the middle of the year while I was coping with my mom's passing. She was 69 and her death came as a shock to the entire family as she was hardly sick and was never once admitted to the hospital before for as long as I can remember. Then came one day on May 13, she was complaining of tummy bloatedness and we admitted her to the hospital immediately. They found a mass in her uterus but what unfolded after that was more dreadful discoveries. She had tumour in her rectum and the hospital was running one test after another to determine her primary cancer. However, she couldn't wait no more. She had an episode of sepsis when her colon ruptured on 28 May and the faecal matters entered her blood stream. She fell into a coma and never woke up. She finally left us on 30 may. It was a rude shock for the family having no time at all to react much. We didn't have a chance to care for her and take care of her like how other children could, taking care of their elderly parents. It's been months and I found comfort reading the postings on grieving.com to ease the pain at time. Recently, I took up the courage to enter a photo competition organised by a local cafe with the theme "making a difference". I had to submit a selfie taken with someone who made a difference in my life. I submitted a photo of mom and me, the one and only selfie that I had with her. I hope to win this contest in memory of my mom. This is my little way of managing my grief and also remember her. I wonder if I could trouble all of you to help support my effort? It is really simple. All you need to do is to like the organiser's page on FB and like my photo on FB. Below are the links. Step one- Like Cedele's FB page https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore Step two- Like my photo (Finalist 1) https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore/photos/ms.c.eJxl0MkRwCAMQ9GOMpY3TP~_NZblkkK5v~_MYAQ~;kUYhlsEn3hF8s4pPfeLEPVIyliXPXwmbcjWYc8RTnPKalKNix5RYKraJFicdnZ5fZwkjGZ099v3BcITAc~-.bps.a.10152851367913416/10152851369328416/?type=1&theater Once again, thank you for reading my lengthy post. Sometimes, sharing our thoughts and feelings is also a way of managing our grief. May you all find strength to go through the difficult episode you are facing and we will definitely meet our loved ones again someday. Hugs and kisses from Singapore
  23. Loss due to Divorce

    I feel a little guilty posting because it seems that most posts are from partners passing away. Im having a really hard time accepting my divorce that was filed by my ex-wife. I miss her, my kids, being a family, my house and just overall being married. I feel like someone pressed the reset button on my life and I'm 40….dont like it at all! Im trying to get over it and suck it up so to speak….some days are good some are horrible. Anybody have any suggestions that may help?
  24. I can't take the pain

    It's only been 16 days and I can't take the pain. I miss him so much and I just want him here with me. I wish I could join him where he is because there is no pain or confusion or stress. I just want to be with him, but I know ending my life isn't the answer. I have a good job, I have the Navy to look forward to and I know he wouldn't want me to do something so stupid. I just wish he was here with me, laying next to me in bed, my head on his chest and hearing him constantly tell me how much he loves me and how he can't wait to marry me. I miss him. Come home baby. I am a wreck without you.
  25. I am doing research that relates to how others feel about there greatest loss.Additionally, I am interested in comparing how others react differently to death. So if anyone could answer these five questions i would really appreciate it. What was your greatest loss so far in your life? What exactly happened? Were there any unusual thoughts or feeling you had as a result from this loss? How were your sleep patterns affected by this loss? What words best describe exactly what you lost from your life?