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Tonight, oh this very cold and lonely night for me. I sit by my computer pouring out my feelings. It's been four months since my boyfriend Scott left my side. I still can't believe he is gone. All these four months I've been battling with random sadness. The first month which was September was exhausting! I would cry every morning and night. I was reading some article it said you cry so much you run out of tears! I ran out of tears several times, its very true. The second month October, I thought I was doing better or so I thought! I was able to smile and my heart did not feel as heavy. I lasted only a week and than I started sobbing one night. I cried once or twice a week. I reread our messages, listen to his voicemails and look at his pictures and as weird as this sounds I get tired of it and fall asleep! I can't believe I get tired of looking at his stuff?! It's probably because I cry non-stop! The third month November, I did the same thing. I cried every night, looked at his things and went to sleep. I kept thinking about Christmas and I wasn't as excited for Christmas. Finally December the fourth month, I kept thinking about him during Christmas. I still cried every night, wish he was here to hug me and to tell me its going to be alright. I noticed that I didn't see him in my dreams as much. And I hate that because we can communicate through my dreams. When I dream about Scott it feels like he is still alive. I want to be the old happy person I was. I know that I won't be the same because there is an enormous wound inside my heart that only he can cure! His return is my cure, my happiness but I know it is impossible. So, here I am sad, cold and lonely wishing upon him. As I was brainstorming I thought I was going to be okay and not cry while typing. Currently, I'm wiping the tears out of my eyes because I keep thinking and remembering him. I cry in silence because I don't like telling people I'm crying for him. I do express that I miss him but crying in silence feels more comfortable. I try to find comfort, however knowing he is not around breaks me into pieces and I'm back to square one. I'm writing down the good times we had. This way I will never forget him! I have become a quirky person I like, reading Buddhist quotes, talking about ghost, talking about death, and going to spiritual stores. If a dog barks at me my first thought is Scott must be near me! HAHA, I am so ridiculous! Thank you for reading my sorrowful story! Here's a bittersweet quote I want to share with everyone: " Life asked death, "Why do people love me but hate you?" death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth""