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  1. A desperate wish...

    I was a normal quiet girl before I met him. I hadn't dated anyone since 2011 nor did I care or even thought about dating. I met him at work on a chilly November 2016 evening. I thought he was a strange man when I first saw him but I am a strange person myself. Up till February 2017 he was just another co-worker who I hardly notice. One day another co-worker pointed out he was a drug addict. For some reason, I paid more attention to him after that. I've always been a brave girl with no regrets. So, I went up to him and asked him if he was a drug addict. My question threw him off, he wasn't expecting it. He nod his head with a smile and answered "no". At the time I don't blame him for lying, I was just a weirdo asking him an uncomfortable question. To make it clear, he was a heroin addict and really liked cocaine, the cocaine part was told to me by someone else after he died. Around February 14 I remember he called me several times. I answered his phone call, he said to me "Happy Valentine's Day" and asked if I had any plans. I responded, " Thanks and no I don't have any plans". I hung up immediately because back then I wanted nothing to do with him. His birthday was in March, I remember he begged me to go out with him to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I felt bad and sorry for him so I agree to go with him. We chatted and I ended up buying dinner for him. For whatever reason I felt bad for this poor guy. He was far from home, lonely and was fighting his drug addiction. One night weeks after his birthday while we were at work he gave me a back hug and a kiss on the neck. God knows why but I really, really enjoyed that hug and kiss. I will never forget that day! After that night, that's when it all started. I started to care and worry for him like a lunatic. Our first kiss was on a rainy night in my car in March. I can't really remember the exact date. I never been the type of person to write things down. Maybe I thought I was going to be with him for a long time so dates weren't important. He was always very respectful and innocent, that's what I loved about him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do. Once we kiss, I found myself asking him for more! I had kiss several guys in the past and I knew how to tell among good kissers and bad kissers. He was indeed a bad kisser but I liked it... I always teased him and told him although he was a bad kisser I still wanted only him, only his kisses. For three months we had a good time; oh how I wish those days never went away. Of course we had our differences and a few arguments here and there but I was crazy for this guy! Like an idiot, I would run to him when he needed help. Now that he has passed away, I want to kiss him really bad. I miss him, I want to see him, I want to ask the heavens why!? I know I can't ask why but I'm just trying to understand, trying to get this awful feeling inside my heart. Wish we could of been nicer and happier with each other. The quote, " You don't know what you have till its gone", hits me very hard. Its so true now that he's gone what am I suppose to do? I never been the type to wish for things. Even when I blew my birthday candles or when we texted each other, " its 11:11 make a wish". For 24 years, I have not wished for anything until recently. Now, I find myself making just one wish, one desperate wish. A wish that I want with all my heart to come true. The wish of seeing him again. I'm not asking to die I just want to see him. I want to tell him, " how much I love him, to take care, to not worry about me and that we will be together one day". I feel as if I'm being punished or as if I been cursed. I try to believe I've been a good person with good intentions. I've spoke to several people about death, people from different religions, different countries to try to comprehend why this happened to me. Just when I thought my love life was about to be full of happiness. My happiness gets taken away... He said to me," I love you soooooo much to infinity n beyond", maybe the small, powerless me will meet him in infinity or beyond.