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Found 120 results

  1. I lost my mother over a year ago fighting cancer. Im young and I was so attached to her. Im only 14 and its so hard for me. Im still coping with losing her. Thats my mom you know. I still cry when someone talks about her or when we go visit her. I feel like its never gonna change and im going to always feel sad. I get mad because why would god take her from me when he knew that she was my all. Everybody always tells me its going to be okay but they don’t understand the pain im going through. I just need advice or someone to talk to who has lost a parent also.
  2. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  3. This is my first post in any type of forum about my loss, so please bear with me. Additionally, this post involves an LGBTQ relationship. If you are going to be negative about that, please take it elsewhere. There will also be mention of sexual relationships. So, on Father's Day weekend, my dad's dad died. He passed away on Saturday after a battle with stomach cancer. I was never close with him but it did still hit very close to home, of course. Just as I thought Father's Day weekend couldn't get any worse, my mom's dad passed on the holiday itself. My Pop Pop raised me when my mom was not able to and even when she was able to. We were so close and when she told me the news, I went into absolute hysterics. I saw him every single weekend. We talked on the phone every day. He was my best friend--the person closest to me in this world. And I am spiraling. Due to how immensely I am struggling, every aspect of my life is suffering. I can't concentrate at work, I have a vacation coming up that I am in no way excited for, I don't want to go out after work, I've stopped going to the gym and I've been gaining weight from not wanting to eat right, and my relationship with my partner is becoming rocky. I know that my partner loves me. Having anxiety and depression issues of their own, watching me cry and breakdown every single day for a month can't be easy. Last night, my partner told me that they feel as though I am withholding all affection from them. This confused me, as I felt I was being extremely intimate and close. The only thing going on is that we have not had sex in a while. Prior to the passing of my Pop Pop and grandfather, I was having some medical issues. I got those cleared up and then the deaths happened pretty much immediately. I don't want to think that my partner is just feeling negative feelings towards me because I don't feel comfortable having sex. I want to have sex, but every time we're about to, I think of my grandfathers dying and it is extremely graphic and depressing. I then feel guilty because my brain tells me that I should be grieving, not having sex, and then my body responds to that guilt and everything has to stop. What do I do? How can I get myself back to normal? It has been a month and I know it's going to be hard for the rest of my life, but I need to get myself back on track before I lose everything.
  4. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  5. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  6. Hello, Everyone. I guess it would be good to introduce myself. My second oldest son, Cameron, died in March 1992 when a dresser in his room fell on top of him. He was supposed to be taking a nap, but apparently he was trying to reach something on top of the dresser. It was the most horrible thing I've ever gone through and the most intense, deep, and long-lasting pain I've ever experienced. My wife and I went from planning for pre-school and day care to planning a funeral, picking a burial plot, and picking a headstone overnight. I would never, ever wish that kind of thing on anyone!! It took a great deal of time and effort to heal. I am not in the process of the raw pain and grief that so many of you are in, but I can honestly say that I have a very good idea of what you are going through. If a person hasn't gone through it, there is no way they can possible understand it. There is simply no reference point you can relate to unless you have been there. Events like his birthday and Christmases and such have gotten a lot easier, but they can still be rather tender when I remember him. He would be 27 years old if he were still alive. I can honestly say that there is never a day that I don't think about him after all these years. I can also honestly say that it took me a long time to work through all of this and now I lead a happy, normal life and that I carry this grief rather than it carry me. It took a lot of time and work to get to that point. I hope that I can be a voice of comfort to those of us whose grief is still raw and very deep and I can offer a perspective that there is hope, even if it seems very dim or even non-existent at this point. I attached a photo taken of Cameron the day before he died. His aunt Crystal and his older brother, Eric, are in the background. I love you, Cam!
  7. Hello everyone, I've never done this before, so I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do, so Ill just share my experience with you. I'm 22 years old and I just lost my 27 year old sister two days ago. She overdosed, and it's hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. She made it to the hospital, but suffered severe brain damage. Shortly thereafter, her organs started to fail. I left work and rushed to the hospital, which was two hours away, to say goodbye. I don't think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw her when I got there, and when I did, a feeling of unreality set in. This feeling hasn't gone away since. I broke down when I saw her lying there, it was a horrifying sight that I'd never wish on anybody. The thing is, after that moment, I've felt like my life has turned into some type of sad movie, with my family and friends playing the characters. Maybe my mind is using this idea as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation, im not sure. I feel like my normal life has been replaced with my sisters death. What I mean is my life now consists of me doing pointless tasks and having pointless conversations for no reason other than filling time and fruitlessly distracting me from the fact of her death. It feels as if her death IS my life now. Hopefully I'm making sense! I find myself trying to figure this situation out, as if it were a math equation. I constantly feel confused and distant, and I hate it. What happened to everything that was, just two days ago? Does everyone go through this? Will this go away? I know it's still very fresh, two days is not a very long time to grieve, but I'm not sure if I have even accepted it! I saw her take her last breath, I SAW it. I heard the doctor pronounce her dead, yet I can't shake this feeling that she's gonna show up and say "gotcha!" And start laughing so hard she starts to snort. I'm afraid that I feel too distant to reality, and I'll fall further down the rabbit hole. It's like I have two totally conflicting thought processes going through my mind simultaneously. I'm constantly thinking about her death, but I'm not fully ready to accept that it's the truth. Is this a normal experience? I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you. vince
  8. dog

    I'm writing this after losing my best friend less than 24 hrs ago. He was a Terrier/ Maltese cross softest dog I've ever known with a unique cheeky clever personality. His name was Toto and he was my new wife's dog from being a tiny pup. My gorgeous wife didn't know the word discipline and 'marded ' him silly on a constant basis which explains his ridiculously soft personality. When my wife and I met over 10 years ago I didn't agree with lack of discipline with animals and letting them sleep on the bed but in time he just worked his magic on me and although I was generally the disciplinarian / alpha in our little family he could get away with murder at times with a cheeky teeth filled grin and pant and soft brown sad eyes that could crack the hardest of nuts. I even let him off itching his bum on my nice cream carpet , he wasn't one for a dirty bum but that was taking the mic! My then girlfriend lived with her parents and a tiny Yorkshire toy girl ( Totos ruling wife mimi)In fact she still does but we married this year ( finally) and waiting to move in our new work in progress house. anyway over the years toto and I became best friends , all be it his main love ❤️ was and will for ever be my Wife as they developed a bond that can only be described as soul mates. Toto was attacked when he was young on an estate and since he could not tolerate other dogs , he almost went into a panic stricken frenzy every time he saw one which no amount of training or conditioning could solve, as a result we just tried to avoid everywhere with dogs and I picked him up and distracted him whilst they passed ..... something which this certain little boy cottoned on too right away! This year he was 11 but very fit , still pulling us both round the lakes as we have a caravan up there which he loved. He adored walking everywhere and showed no signs of tiring or weakness. What an unbelievable thirst for life and an endless supply of love he had for us! It was literally infectious his energy and teddy bear loving ways. He had an ongoing issue with his ear, constantly reforming fungus/ polyps which he often scratched/ infected / needed treatment. As a result he was under a vet who saw him regularly , a month ago he developed a cough , the vet explained when he looked at him this was just a collapsed trachea , common in such breeds and nothing to be concerned about. We were happy to learn this and despite the fact he didn't check him over with a stethoscope or do any tests we were convinced this must be the problem. We continued to see the vet regularly for his ear and this week he had a severe episode of breathlessness which worried us a lot , we were advised that we should keep him cool as it was very hot and humid , sure enough after an hour or so of rapid breathing he improved and slept the next morning seemed better. He happened to have an appt for his ear again later that day so when we took him we explained the main worry was this freak episode and my wife said she thought he was going to die at one point. He again shrugged this off to trachea and said that no further tests would be needed and that he even listed him for surgery and a removal of some polyps the following Tuesday. Again no real thorough assessment no investigations it was late as we were the last of his pts and he was running over 30 mins late. We even asked if bronchodilators may help or anything should such an awful episode like that happen again might ease his symptoms, he just suggested a cool vest. I have to mention that the vets is cheap compared as he does not charge for appointments only if treatment required. As a result he's incredibly busy and apts are quick. I actually think he's a good vet but he's so busy he just isn't thorough as may be he should. Im off work at present as helping do up our shell of a house but kept an eye on him and all seemed ok apart from his bark seemed diminished like his throat was tight seemed more of a hough. We returned from cinema late Friday night and as routine always follows he came upstairs. According to my wife he seemed slow and just sat on the top of the stairs out of behaviour. He then came in the room but panting fast like he had before. I lifted him on the bed as I always do and he seemed not himself, panting very fast. We thought as we did before this must be his trachea like before and put the fan on whilst stroking him and calming him. I searched online looking for remedies , cool him down .... maybe throat gold.....put him on a diet long term ......calm him down. As the hours past his symptoms didn't , I started measuring his respiratory rate 123bpm.....121......120.....122 and so on , surely too fast as online it states much slower and that respiratory distress is an emergency. I couldn't see him like this any longer so I rang an emergency line. I spoke to a pleasant lady and told her everything. She agreed it was right to ring and asked if we were trying to cool him down and is he deteriorating. I said not particularly but he isn't improving. I feel most guilty for then asking how much a consultation would be , she said 160 initial then any treatment is extra after that. She explained our vet has a clinic in the morning even though different clinic we could see him first thing. Now I know for my boy I would spend thousands on him to my last penny if he needed it but we agreed with the vet that we would take him in should he worsen, hoping a repeat of him improving like last time. I don't know why I didn't just take him, I knew he wasn't well and couldn't settle or even lie down. I hate myself for this , I was his protector and I just let him down this goes around my head all the time. That night/ early morning we stroked him , my wife held him up to offload his belly to try and ease his symptoms , she did this for over an hour to help. He seemed at one point to improve but his panting continued. About 6am I had slept for a few hours , again something I feel awful for, I woke to my wife saying he still wasn't right. I rang the vet again but it just rang off so I checked online and they were opening at 9am. We continued to cuddle him in the hope he'd improve. We went straight to the vets ( not original one as we'd lost trust with him now) and almost was seen within 15 mins. a new vet saw him and did a thorough assessment. To our horror he explained he could hear a murmur and also said all this did not seem like trachea at all but he had to rule out heart failure? Now Toto has been such a fit dog , no real sign of any fatigue or weakness before. It can't be this surely ??!!! We are both physios worked in respiratory and very aware of heart failure symptoms and onset. We suddenly thought maybe this explains the initial cough , maybe his lungs are flooding ???? Why have I let him go without immediate treatment if so? Have we just ignored these symptoms last night thinking it was trachea and all along he was in Acute heart failure.... surely not! Why have I just being presuming on such an important life ? the vet took him and explained he will put oxygen on him and sedate him to lie him down and X-ray him. I felt some relief that something was being done. We both thought maybe if it's heart failure he could have a drain in his lungs then be given iv antidiuretics and be on heart meds long term and we'd have our baby back ! He said he'd ring us but to go away for a while until then. We went into town as j had an appointment at spec savers , didn't feel like going but maybe it will take our mind of our worries. The call came in town from the vet , his first words were 'I'm sorry it's not good news'. He might as well have but a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. This wasn't happening. He explained that very shortly after we handed him over to be cared for he put oxygen on him and started to sedate him for the X-ray. He started vomiting blood so he further sedated him and then he had a cardiac arrest. He explained he got him back but didn't know whether he'd suffered brain damage. We rushed back to see him, the vet took us in and explained he'd just passed. That was it .......my boy ....my best pal .... my life , my wife's lifelong companion ! I couldn't understand why when he was so fit before, why had this not been picked up sooner. We could have managed his heart better ! we then were lead round to see him , the worst moment of my life , just laid on the bed all still. Our baby. I cant describe how we feel , it's like this bundle of joy and happiness in our life was left with a massive hole. Just too sad for words. Then anger at the vet. We feel like we've been cheated out of a few years more. This is where it only begins , we'd packed his bag for the caravan with meds / food/ poo bags/ a toy/ his lead and harness. im so angry I'm so upset I'm crying all the time I just don't know what to do all of the time. Don't want to go for a walk or go to the van or do anything. The only thing which seems to help is talking about him and how wonderful he was. Ive come to realise though that this isn't it. He's going to be part of my future too. When we get his body back from the crem we will have him back in the house so he can find his way back to us. Well show him the new house when it's done and tell him he's always invited. I lost my wedding ring on honeymoon and want to get a replacement with some of his hair inside if possible. We will take him upstairs to our room at night and back down to the hall in the morning until we move. Sounds a little weird but we feel this is right. the thought of returning to my house with all his stuff there strikes fear within me or going to the van without him. One day I truly believe I'll see him again and play with him and take him for walks , it's the only way. There m not sure anyone is crazy enough to read this but to be honest just writing about him feels right. I know it's not just me with Toto , I can't begin to feel how my wife is feeling or her parents who are at home with him all these years. Hes our first child really and always will be , if we have kids they will know all about him and all the funny stories we will tell them. I wish my pain would go but in a way my pain is linked to him because I loved him so and I want to turn that pain into joy and a feeling of his specialness inside me forever like I'm now carrying him with me throughout life forever. My wife is worried that he'll be on his own now in heaven or trying to find his way. I know this isn't so , he's such a special dog that he'll have his way of finding us , he'll be with us and when we get his body back he'll continue to see how much we love him and he'll remain with us forever. His journey with us goes on until the next chapter when we are all together again which will happen again in time. Thanks for listening dave
  9. My father passed away 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched him deteriorate into nothing but a shell of who this strong, healthy man once was. I felt his body go from warm to cold and saw him taken away in a body bag. I was treated like trash by my family on his side. I was betrayed and belittled. Screamed at and mentally tortured by them. I was 25. Since then I've talked to countless therapists, been on medication and nothing takes away the pain and anger that I have. I used to be this beam of light and love. This carefree person who loved life and everything in it. I saw the world as beautiful in every way and saw the beauty in others as well. I was happy and my marriage flourished. After loosing my father I became this empty cold hearted person that felt betrayed by her family and betrayed by life itself that my father was taken away so young. He was 53. I've never reached out in a forum but I'm hoping I can connect with others and get some guidance on this topic.
  10. Hey everyone, I'm new to this place and I've been reading some of other peoples posts and somehow it's easier to support someone else, but not yourself. Odd. Anyway, I lost my father to prostate cancer about 5 months ago, after almost 2 years of struggling. The conclusions I can draw at this point is: - At the beginning I mourned but it didn't affect me that much. I blocked out everything just to move on with my life. I was actually proud that I handled it so well, and was saying this to friends and family. - Then boom, earlier this month it just hit me. Maybe it was triggered by my work situation, I don't know, but all of a sudden the depression hit me. It's a little better now, but I was truly surprised about it, it felt wierd that it came so long afterwards. - Since then for some reason, I've isolated myself from my family, fighting with them and just not wanting to be part of it anymore. I don't know, is this normal? This is unknown territory for me, since I'm normally very close to my family. Maybe it's something I have to go through I don't know. - Last but not least, I feel like a different person since he died. A more darker and cynical side of me has emerged and I don't really recognize myself. Is this also normal? I guess time will tell how it develops, but I hope I return to my sunny and happy self soon.
  11. I lost my husband in July things were going good after the funeral. i did all the paperwork, got out to drive, walked my dog, went shopping, start going back to church. As the days went on it seems like when I wake up things started feeling worse, I kept trying to stay motivated but it is not helping. I'm still trying to do most things, but now it just seems like the fear is overwhelming. I don't know what to do I'm asking for help or some kind of advice I feel all alone everyday and it just seems harder to cope with.
  12. I recently lost my oldest brother, 33 to a severe car accident he and his wife of 11 and a half years were in. I received the call that she was in the hospital and that he did not make it. My whole world came crashing down. In an instant everything I loved and held dear to my heart was taken from me. It's been 3 months going on four months and I still wait up for him to come home, I'm still having neightmares of it happening to us again. This pain will never go away, I still hear all these voices in my head "he didn't make it" I had to call my mom and tell her that her baby was gone all I hear everyday "I have to go my son died". There is no reason this accident should have happened there was no traffic, it wasn't raining. The only cause is reckless driving. The man who hit them was late to work, he was speeding. He put his life before my brothers life. He took him away from me, my family, his wife, my 5 year old niece. He was her god father , he was suppose to take care of her. How is any of this fair? What did we do to deserve this? He was as close as it comes to being perfect. He always put others before himself, always so kind, giving, thoughtful and always laughing, smiling and jokeing around. He always did everything for us, he was the older brother aka the other dad, there were four of us kids, he always took care of us even when he didn't have to. His response was always the same when he did something for us "it's because I want to" I'll never get over all the hurt, sadness, anger, anxiety. Everything was so traumatic, it still is to this day. My life has forever been ruined. This man who hit him is out there, he's on the road who's to say he won't do this again? Why is he allowed to live, come home to his family? His complete family. I never got to say good bye, hug him, or tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. The day he ended my brothers life he ended mine.
  13. Hi All, I just registered today and am in need of some advice. My aunt lost her husband last July in a car accident. Our family was devasted by the loss, but none more-so than her of course. She handled it surprisingly well for the first few months, but now that things have all but settled down she's really struggling and shes been drinking heavily, spending excess amounts of money... My mother moved in with her to be there for support, but my aunt spends her days berating my mother and treating her terribly, then turning around and acting overly nice to her. Our family has a hard time being at her house now because it gets uncomfortable listening to her yell at my mother over little things. My aunt was never like this prior to losing her husband, and our family doesn't know how what to do. She thinks no one can help her and that no one cares. Does anyone have any advice on how we can support her? We don't want her to hurt herself but it seems to be inevitable right now. We're all lost and unsure about how to act with her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
  14. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  15. I still don't know how Todd died. I found him on the floor of our new home. He was the bravest, most gorgeous, strongest person I have ever known. He was a REAL person... a person that understands you when you speak, that knows what to do in hard situations... Someone that is just Real. And it doesn't exist outside of him. I'm so sorry I couldn't get you to the hospital sooner. I wish it was me. You're too young. You were a young soul. I love you. I fell asleep in your arms and you still held onto me while I faced you, cuddled into you and I know you were watching Modern Family over my shoulder. I can't make anything work. I just keep bumping into things. I don't even know where you are! Kristina Montesi2
  16. Let me start off by saying these past two years have been filled with struggles I could have never even imagined. I lost my first love to a motorcycle accident 2 years ago. Michael and I were together for 4 and a half years before he passed, so losing him was like losing my other half. I am 23 now of course 21 at the time. At this age you want to plan your life and he is who I saw in my future and who all of my hopes and dreams were tied to. Michael and I had an amazing relationship so when he passed I was crushed. I have gone through every form of grieving I can imagine almost to the point that sometimes I catch myself trying to block out memories because my Heart has already FELT so much with this whole whirlwind of the last 2 years. I have really truly been trying to find positivity and think of him for all of the wonderful memories instead of the feeling I felt the night I found out he was taken from me. After 2 years of coming to terms with him never coming back I am now facing another struggle. I am falling for a man by the name of Jordan despite my effort to try and push everyone away. Jordan was there for me a few months after Michael had passed really as a shoulder to lean on and a friend with a listening ear. He knew I wanted nothing more than to just be heard. Jordan actually knew Michael and also missed him dearly. Well, after some time, I slowly started to fall for this new guy that has helped pull me out of the darkness. He went from being a friend to being someone I truly felt I could be myself around. Someone that saw me at my darkest and cared for me anyways. The difficulty of this whole situation is telling Michaels parents that I am movin forward. I never want to move "on" as I will never replace Michael with anyone, but for my own sanity I do need to move forward to the best of my ability, and I think I have finally found happiness with this man. I am just struggling with figuring out how to bring it up to Michaels family that I have found new love. His family has clung to me since his passing because I am so similar to him, and they feel when I'm close that he is as well. I just don't know how they will take this news. All of this stress has really brought a lot of worry and anxiety onto me. My poor boyfriend now has been so patient and has been dealing with being kind of kept a secret for some time now. I don't think that's fair. I think he deserves to be shown off, but I don't want to break the parents heart when they find out I have found new love. I'm tired of stressing and I'm tired of feeling guilty and crying on my own about this. I want to tell his family but I would be heartbroken if they no longer wanted anything to do with me. I don't know how to go about this situation. I know that if I lost a child it would be extremely hard hearing that the person my child last loved has found someone new. Please please please someone guide me in doing the right thing and finding a way to tell them. I want nothing more than to just have this weight lifted. I care too deeply about everyone to ever want to hurt them. I miss Michael every single day and I just want them to know I will ALWAYS love him, but I have to be loved at some point too. I'm so sorry for the novel. I just didn't know where else to turn at this point. Nobody around me can relate seeing as I lost the man I wanted to marry at such a young age. Being 23 now I don't feel any wiser about how to deal with this kind of situation. Below I attached some photos I hold close to my heart with my guardian angel
  17. Currently having a hard time with the loss of my little Dante. I only had him from September 2012 to this May 4th, 2017, but he had turned 15 this month. I noticed him having labored breathing two weeks ago, sent him in to get checked, was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and tracheal collapse but was shown that his lungs were clear of fluid and was put on bronchial meds to help, there was no indication of heart failure. Then one week later, he woke up gasping for air, I thought I would lose him on the way to the ER, he couldn't be stabilized even on more than double the amount of oxygen, and he was suffering, suddenly had developed fluid in his lungs, and I had to let him go. It was horrible to watch my poor baby go from one day enjoying a slow walk and barking at birds by the door to gasping for a little bit more life. He wagged his tail despite not being able to stand, moments before I let him go with the help of our ER Vet. I'm devastated, my family is devastated. Everyone loved my sweet baby. My mother, my siblings, my grandmother are all broken hearted. This is second to last walk I had with him. After he walked next to the flowers, I carried him home because he was tired, and he rested his head on my shoulders and closed his eyes to snuggle me. I miss him so much. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTmCRX3lleG/?taken-by=lettersatlarge Its just so hard for me because despite the fair prognosis we received at the vet a week before he passed, I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did not have long, I knew somehow it would be this week despite the fact that he appeared okay. I look back and realize he told me he was getting ready to go. Several walks went by where he'd let me carry him the rest of the way and he'd just look around like he was taking it all in, he calmly sat on my lap on the porch and watched the sunset with me, he licked my face several times, something he didn't usually do. He'd lie down next to me at night when it was hardest for him to breathe and I stayed up most nights petting him calmly to let him know I was there. I find myself getting upset at myself for not doing more. As he fell asleep that last time I noticed a dirty spot on his fur and fell apart because I had told myself I would give him a bath the night before, but I was tired and didn't. I'd do anything to give my little jellybean one more warm bath, one more night. A small solace for me is that he somehow managed to sneak a piece of pizza the night before he passed. Despite the fact that he'd had 10 extractions early this February, he went ahead and went for the pizza. I'm glad he got a fun snack outside of his soft food before went, but I wish I'd been able to give him something even better.
  18. My father died when I was 13 years old. Ever since, I have wondered about the long-term effects of such a devastating loss. I am now a fourth year Clinical Psychology PhD Student in New York City and I am thrilled that I have been able to turn this very personal topic into a meaningful dissertation study. If you meet the criteria listed below, I would be so grateful if you would take my survey! Please also share the link with anyone who might be interested. Your participation will be anonymous and you will also have a chance to enter into a raffle to win one of three $50 Amazon gift cards. 1. Are you currently 18 years or older and fluent in English? 2. Have you ever been romantically involved with someone? 3. Have you experienced the death of your biological mother or father before the age of 17? 4. If yes, were your biological mother and father married or living together prior to the death? If you answered yes to all of these questions, please click the link below: https://survey.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9sKf37iPMrdgkMB Please email RelationshipsStudy2017@gmail.com if you have any questions. You can also email me if you are interested in hearing about the results after the study is complete. I am happy to share my findings! Thank you so much.
  19. Hi everyone. I am now 32 years old, my mother passed away when I was 13 she was only 40. I listened to people say how that was a young age not knowing myself how young it really was. For the 20 years I have both unconsciously / consciously making decisions that are, well needless to say weren't very good one's. I wrote this when I was feeling extremely lost and alone. I hope it helps in some way. - Life she can be a cruel mistress, she takes just as easily as she gives. We live we die, but all that in between and all that we try that is the gift in disguise. The darkness is where we go. This is where we are safe, this is what we know, we find comfort in knowing the enemy, This is our solice, darkness is my friend, Where we are alone, no one to disturb our fears and insecurities. No one to tell us what is right from wrong. Our drug of choice is our confidant it numbs the pain it distorts our memories, it takes us to somewhere else, anywhere else. We carry things for so long that eventually forget what it is like to let go of ourselves and shine. We live in the pain because - that of course is what we deserve, we reject all that reminds us that there my be hope, a glimmer of light THAT, frightens us. That is not meant for us, we are alone, we wallow in guilt and shame, we mask our sadness with jester like humor making sure no one else will ever fell like this. All of the choices we make all of the steps that we take - another step closer to the end, after all isn't that the present? When does it stop? Does it get better? Why did I do this? Why me? Question after question. Here's one, why do I do this to myself? Is it what they would've wanted? Another. Does my suffering offer anything to those that we suffer for? Selfishness, is that what she would have wanted? I push and I shove just to feel alive to have some sort of meaning - we drift, we observe just to see how the rest of the world carries on, I analyse the world take it apart just to find why it keeps spinning, why it just won't stop. Take one step towards the light and ten steps back, I am afraid, I do not belong there no one will understand, they will all judge they will reject me. I do not need help, I am comfortable here with my self pity and guilt. I am alone in my prison that is my mind, only a "select few" may enter my world bringing their lights and their candles along with them as they enter. Not for too long though, too long and it is time for them to leave. Leave me in peace, they couldn't possibly handle what I have to offer, being in the dark would destroy them, they are not strong like me OR is it weak like me? The difference eludes me. It has been an eternity, it should be over now? Surely? I should be successful. I should have everything I need (who I need) I should be a fully functioning pillar of society. I should be this, act this way. No. I am lost. I know now I am not alone, I am not the only one to suffer, everyone is suffering in one way or another.. No now I am now inspired, those "select few" we chose to enter our domain. They have left a breadcrumb burning trail from their torches, They are waiting for me. I will escape my safe haven/prison. I will say it was for others but it will really be for me and that is okay. With my strength growing and my fears overcome. I will be a light for someone else, such as those who have helped me. . . I thank you whole heartedly. I will live through you. And she will live on through me" I asked a friend - "does it get ever go away?" His reply - " it never goes away my friend" Take solace in knowing you are not alone. We are survivors - let go [ just a little bit ] Move forward, the world does not stop, so keep up be a beacon for someone else.
  20. Hi everyone. I'm new here. Just needed somewhere to reach out. Hope that's ok? I lost my Dad two weeks ago, I am 54, he was 84. Although in retirement he moved away with my Mum we remained so very close. He was my rock, my go-to person for any problems, also the person I laughed so much with. I am not coping. The funeral is the day after tomorrow. I have to write the eulogy and deliver it. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. emotionally I am very unstable, one minute ok next minute in tears. One minute happy, the next grumpy and snappy. Physically I am exhausted, feeling confused and dizzy. this is horrible. How do we get through this? Susie x
  21. I don't even know where to start, so I suppose I'll start at the beginning. 16 years ago I was rollerblading on a bike trail... tells ya how long ago this really was right?? As I'm rolling down the trail this beautiful black cat literally crosses my path. She walks out of the woods, and sits down and just stares at me with these big yellow saucer eyes. She meows at me, and it's love at first site. I picked her up and rolled back to my car with her. Let me tell you, roller blading with no arm balance is no easy feat, but I'd do it all over again a million times if it'd bring her back. I wasn't allowed to have pets, and I told myself that I'd take her to the animal shelter in a few days. She ended up with a name right away (Mitsu) and a box of toys that would go along with her, whenever I would get around to taking her there... Well, needless to say 16 years later I'm writing on a forum grieving over her. She was an amazing cat from the start, and she always looked excited with those wide eyes of hers. In all these years together she has watched me make a million mistakes, and rejoice over several great accomplishments. She was by my side without fail, and when ever the hardships of my life would occur, she didn't mind that I got those salty tears caught up in her fur. She just stared at me lovingly and let me pet her and hug her. I used to joke around that moving was a hobby of mine, and although she didn't enjoy it she came right along for every move I've ever made. When the world would spin out of control and everything would change at a rapid pace, she was the one constant. She was always there, loving me, and man I loved her right back. 6 years ago I brought her a furry friend and I didn't know how she'd take it. She'd had a couple other pets join her along the way when I'd had a roommate or boyfriend who'd bring theirs along, and she was never very thrilled about it. She wanted me all to herself. When I brought Zombie home, he was smaller than her which cracked me up. She was only 6 pounds her whole life, and Zombie is all of 4 pounds and shorter than her. He is a Yorkie Chihuahua pound puppy and I'll admit, it took her a short amount of time to love him. But then I'd catch them snuggled up together. When I met my boyfriend she fell in love for the first time. She loved him in the same way that she loved me, and he treated her as if she had always been in his life. We were a happy little family. I'd had her checked out at the vet less than 2 years ago, and he was amazed at how healthy she was for her age. I guess this is why I'm so devastated now. I realize she was getting old but there was just no warning. She was fine last Wednesday before I left for work. She followed me around like normal and even played with her favorite mouse toy. When I got home a few hours later I couldn't find her and I knew something was instantly wrong. I called for her, and she made the most horrific meowing sound that I'd ever heard. I scooped her up and we got her to the ER vet as quickly as we could. They took her from us as soon as we rushed in, and hooked her up to an IV. Thursday morning I called to check on her, and they weren't having much success finding out exactly what was wrong with her. When we went to see her Thursday night I knew we were going to lose her. It took my breath away seeing her nearly lifeless body. The only way I could tell she was alive was by the rise and fall of her breath in her body. She was unresponsive and her eyes seemed to stare at nothing. The vet tech said she had been like that all day. When I talked to the vet earlier in the day, he said she was still feeling dumpy, but I had no idea she was like this. After about an hour us talking to her and petting her, she did headbutt my boyfriend's hand for some more affection. She always did this, and it was very uplifting. I got up to sit down behind her, and she actually got up and turned around to face me. I just pulled her close to me and hugged her and kissed her so many times, as my tears dripped onto her and silently slid onto the blanket she was laying on. I told her how much I loved her and told her that if she was suffering to let go, that we would understand and in time be ok. The vet came in to check on her, and I told him that I didn't want her to suffer and asked if we should euthanize her. He assured me that he was still working on treating her, and he still had some hope that he could get her better if she would hold on for a little longer. It was after midnight, and I told him I'd give him until the next morning. A few hours later we got the call that she had stopped breathing. We went to see her one final time to say goodbye. I know that we were lucky because we got that chance, but it was so sudden, and she died the day before my birthday. Tomorrow it will be a week, and I have not been able to eat, and there is a ragged feeling in my body. I am just destroyed over this and I don't know what to do. I just watched 16 years fade away. I don't feel like talking to anyone I know because they just don't get it. I have been told that this is life, and everyone dies...etc. My boss told me to smile, and that I just needed to get another cat. Smiling is the last thing I feel like doing. Zombie is beside himself, and he keeps going to look for her. I put the blanket that she slept on next to me and he finally stopped and laid down on it. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice? Sorry for the long post, I'd heard that writing about them and their loss would help. So thank you for reading and for any help you can offer.
  22. Hey! Came across your grief support forum and thought I would recommend a great film that helped me in the grieving process. It's film about healing after loss called "Death as Life." It's very inspirational and helpful to me when I was going through a tough time after loosing my Memo. Go here to find out more of where to get it: http://sofiawellman.com/inspirational-products/coping-with-death-film/ Best regards, Jay
  23. So, despite my spelling and display name I am 14, my mom died of a 2 year battle with cancer- and I still feel lonely and lost without her. Those two years were extremely hard, firstly, my mom was diagnosed with cancer after being sick frequently and we had to cancel all our holidays but after around 1-2 years she got the all clear which I definitely took for granted. It was then a thursday afternoon when I got back from school with my long term best friend that she told me she only had 6 months left. I cried all night and the next day too. After around 3 months, she had surgery that failed and she was paralysed which she would cry about (she was depressed at this time). She didn't feel herself. She said she felt ugly. She was very smart too, and she said she felt as if the old her had gone. She couldn't do things with us anymore and I'd felt angry and sad and upset the whole time, there'd be times where I would collapse and not be able to breathe because I couldn't physically comprehend what was about to happen. I went to a netball match on Wednesday 12th November, and when I got back my grandma told me she was gone. I didn't cry the whole night. Me, my brother and my sister whom are both older than me all sat in the living room not really talking and I was awkwardly finding and saving pictures of nice houses as possibly a coping mechanism? I don't know. Before this, I'd fell into depression. I was self-harming, and not for attention in fact I hid it. I never talk about this, but it was the one time. After my dad noticed I explained it was because of the pain I was going through, after he forced me to talk to my mom in the hospice she was crying and felt guilty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never talk or speak or live. After her death, I was okay. But I still have anxiety and depression disorder (GAD or the down side of Bipolar, without the mania). Year 7 was horrible, I was shy. Year 8 was gruel as I was trying to be pretty and seem normal. I have always felt ashamed of the way I look, and it was only recently my grandma and I were talking about my mom. She said she went through exactly what I did in terms of social situations, no one but my dad knows of my issue, no one (my brother does pick on me for being mentally unstable). Anyways, a couple years on and I still feel lonely and ugly. I still wish she was here so she could help me, she knows what I was going through and I just sometimes sit in bed and wonder who cares about me? Who actually do I have? My family fell apart after her death. My brother drinks and does drugs as well as being emotionally abusive to all of us, like I said with the comments, and is constantly breaking this family. My sister and I never get on. My dad is upset and moody and has a girlfriend who I like, but never spends time with us. I don't know, the sadness I've come to know and almost love. It's warming to be alone and not to have anyone, apart from my two stray cats. (I know, I'm a loner). I just don't know how long this will last. Will I ever get over her death? The memories and anger always come back, and the thought of her being so afraid before she died makes me want to too. Any comments or help will be much appreciated. - Bea.
  24. Hi, I recently lost my grandmother. She was old and fragile, and I was worried about her for months. I had been taking care of her but I never thought this would happen so soon. I don't think you can really prepare for death. I know that everyone dies, but I find it so hard to accept. She was very generous to everyone, which makes her loss so difficult. Unfortunately they are located so far away they haven't been able to see her. She was in no condition to travel. I am trying to keep it together, but I feel so incredibly empty. I don't have much desire for life, but I had been struggling with that for my whole life anyway. I have been depressed before, and I believe I have social anxiety to some extent. I don't have many friends, so I find this all extremely overwhelming. I hope I can move on somehow. I am avoidant and it is hard to connect with people. Thanks for reading.
  25. When I was 7 Years old I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer. She had the illness for three years but me and my brother who was only five didn't know. That was her choice, not to tell us but I still remember what happened like it was yesterday. On May 19th, I was in an accident, small one but I broke my finger and I had to go to the Emergency Room. My friend's mum was babysitting me and my friend at my house, my dad was at the hospital with her. He came back home, looking like he had been crying but he brushed it off when I asked. He then took me to a different hospital where they looked at my finger. When I was ready to go to sleep I hear the stairs creak and I know that it's my dad but hope it's my mum because she would still try to be there for me and my brother at events because she wanted a normal life for us. My dad was talking to my little brother and I heard my brother cry, I was scared to get up, brushed it off at first. He then came into my room and said "Mummy has died." I then cried for several hours and sat there and named everything I couldn't do without her. God, I miss her. She would always go the extra mile to help me out, she never failed me. I thought her illness was as bad as a cold because I was so young and didn't even know what happened. I didn't even know what cancer was, my brother didn't even know what death meant he was 5, but his instincts told him. I remember getting cards from everyone at school, people I didn't even know. I feel so numb. I'm on antidepressants now and they help, but I wish I could forget. I also am happy I remember but maybe I wouldn't be this shattered emotionally if I didn't remember. I remember her funeral way too well. We went to a church and then we had her service. Everyone was crying except me, my dad and my brother. At one point my brother started to cry and say "I miss my mummy. When is she coming back from heaven?" Or something along those lines. That broke my heart, and set me off crying for the first time since I cried that night. We were all in shock. At her burial I did the best to distract my brother and my grandma, her mother. That's what I tend to do, I care for others more than myself. I kept a smile on my face the whole funeral, watching my relatives sob. bI wanted to break and I needed her to get out of that casket and hug me and never let me go, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was in denial until the funeral. The 'moving on' part was a big slap in the face. You can't move on, but you have to live your life and that was the worst part for me. I didn't want to let her go. Actually no, the worst part was I didn't get to say goodbye. She left me a note with some of her memories and other details in it and she was so weak but she kept on typing. I won't go into full detail about the note, but included some of her favourite memories we spent. That broke my heart, because I didn't even appreciate them when they happened. I know it could be so much worse, but that's the story of how I lost my mother. I'm still learning to survive with Grief and it's the hardest thing I've ever learnt to cope with. I haven't been to her grave in 6 years, we moved countries after she died and that made it a lot worse. I remember spending everyday for 3 days after school in the hospital with her and her face still haunts me, maybe in a good way. But I watched her slowly die and I don't think I will ever be able to erase that.Thank you for reading this, maybe I will do an update in the future. Rest In Peace Verity. Also, Our family has a history of this type of Cancer so either I'm going to get it or if I have a daughter she will get it. It sometimes skips a generation but either me or her is going to die from it before the age of 60 like the other women in our family, also I do know the chances are small but I'm a teenager and I know that that's a risk I just can't take. I haven;t told my friends but I hate the fact that I can't have kids, I may be getting a test for the gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 so I will maybe do an update then,I know I can still have kids but it's such a high risk. I love kids, I can't take a chance and give her a short life. I wouldn't know the gender but I can't live thinking I've set my daughter up for death. DISCLAIMER: I am not pregnant now and won't be for either a while or never.