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  1. I just had yet another panic attack. My mom died 4 weeks ago, on the 29th and I lived with her and am not married or have any children. She was everything to me, the only person who truly knew me. I have a large extended family and they were great in the beginning but have gone on to their lives now. I don't want to bother them all the time, they just want to move on. But I'm still here, I'm still in it. Everything that was hers surrounds me all the time. Everything she left the day I took her to the hospital is mostly still the same in her room. I work for a school and am off for the summer plus it's too hot to go outside and I'm broke from taking 2 weeks off to stay in the hospital with her and after she died so I can't really leave the house. I get these panic attacks where I can't breathe and my chest hurts and I just start screaming for her. My doctor put me on Ativan for the stress but it doesn't really last. I have a small dog here and I hate to see him get so worried about me. I try to leave the room when I get upset but he just follows me around looking worried. I hate that. This is it for the rest of my life. She's never coming back and it's killing me. I've read so many things on here that have helped me so I feel like you guys understand. You can't get it until it happens to you. The pain is unbelievable. I honestly didn't know pain like this before ever. I don't know what to do.
  2. My mom has been gone for 2 years in July. I just got married last November and just had my first child in September- making my dad a grand pop. So I have experienced huge events in my life without having my mom here and feeling some postpartum emotions. Late September my dad decides to ask my thoughts on him dating and I felt that it was only right for me to give a blessing that it's ok. A week or so later he starts hanging out with the woman several times a week. It then turned into all his free time. Then 3 weeks ago he drops the bomb that he is going away on vacation with her. Talk about rushing things? After arguing with him over feeling like he hasn't been honest he says he first went out with her the first week of September. He also explained he's not a teenager so it's not that big of a deal for him to go away. To me it feels like he's rushing with her. He's pushed meeting her on me and my brothers and none of us care to be around her. It is way too soon. And then today he mentioned her coming to Christmas dinner?? Christmas and the holidays are BAD enough without my mom that the holidays are NOT the appropriate time for us to be around her or meet her the first time. While I'm trying to remind myself he needs to be happy too, I feel as though he's being super insensitive of our feelings. I said to him what is the rush? If she is going to be here next year then I'm sure she works understand and respect how we feel. I told him I will go to my in laws and my oldest brother will probably leave the house if she comes. Like Christmas is the biggest family gathering and it always leaves us feeling sad because my mom made the holidays so enjoyable!!! Am I not handling this right? I am just curious as to what happened in other people's situations or how they handled it or feel they could have handled it better. We have no desire to meet this woman or see what she looks like and it's conflicting on whether we want to know any information on what goes on between them. Like part of me feels like wow it only took 2 years before you decided you felt fine to be with another woman? And what am I going to have to go through this every time he starts dating someone? Do people always start to date or end up with someone else after a spouse passes? My dads 56, was with my mom for 29 years.. I guess I just thought like he wouldn't ever be with someone else?
  3. I'm new to the whole online support forum, so I'll try to keep my first post short and sweet. Three years ago, August 4, 2010, my sons 'MomMom' invited me over for lunch. This was a normal occurrence and so, I happily went. She made me a tomato sandwich and we sat and laughed for a few hours. I saw absolutely nothing wrong in her demeanor or anything of the sort. It was a Wednesday and she was going to get my oldest son the following day and kind of sent me along my way because she had to go grocery shopping and it was about to rain. She hated driving in the rain, so I didn't think twice about it and said my normal "I love you, thank you for helping me so much" good-bye and headed home. An hour later, her husband was calling me asking if I'd heard from her. Barb was her name. He said he couldn't get a hold of her and asked me to try. At this point, it was raining cats and dogs and no one could reach her, so we all started worrying. Long story short, an hour after I left, she borrowed her daughters car and drove it to a back road in her neighborhood and took her life. Shot herself in the head. I get a knot in my throat and feel sick to my stomach just typing it. I don't understand!! The police were able to 'ping' her cell phone and they were told that her signal was being picked up within a two mile radius of her home, so her husband drove around in his truck looking -- and her children, her son (my sons father) and her daughter, went driving around in his car. Her son was the one who found her. I feel so god awful for him, my heart is just completely shattered. He's never been the same. I know that ultimately, I'm not the one who pulled the trigger, but I still feel like I am the one who is to blame for her not being here. Barb was a stay at home Mom and the type of woman who needed to feel needed. She kept a beautiful home and was always presentable. Her children were grown and doing their own thing, and even though her son and I were no longer together, I would go spend time with her often. I decided to join the Navy and Barb was there to take care of her grandson, Ryder, in a heartbeat. Had it not been for her, I would not have been able to join. I was gone for a total of 7 months with training and boot-camp. I measured Ryder before I left and when I came home and there was a whole inch of a difference. That was my first time being away from home for any form of extended period of time, and it really gave me the chance to sit back and get my priorities straightened out. When I came home for good, I felt like I was trying to make up for the 'inch' of my sons life that I had just missed out on... and this meant no more calling 'MomMom' up to ask to watch him while I went out. In the meantime, I got married, and was expecting my second child. I blame myself because I feel like I took away her feeling of being needed, in a way. She still saw Ryder... I just didn't go out with my friends like I used to, so the times that he stayed over weren't as frequent. Especially not when she was used to having him over every night, and living there for the past 7 months. I miss her deeply and I think about her daily... asking myself why. My soul is filled with sadness and anger, trying to understand what has happened. I don't feel like I'll ever understand why! Her daughter called me screaming and crying and I felt my whole body go limp when I heard the words "She shot herself! She shot herself in the head". Those words haunt me. I was bed-ridden and could not stop crying if you cut off a limb. I just felt so devastated. Then... 3 days later... I was up sobbing my eyes out about Barb. She had taken her life August 4, and it was now the early morning hours of August 7. I sat up to wipe my eyes with a tissue and glance over to see a missed call and a voicemail from my Mom. The call was made at 6am that morning. I listened to my voicemail, only to find that it was not my Mom at all. It was my MomMom, and her voice gave me chills. It said "Amy honey, please call me as soon as you get this. It's about your Momma". And I knew. I don't know how, but I knew my Mom was gone too. I had JUST seen my Mom the previous night. She was friends with Barb as well and we had gone to Barbs house to pay our respects. We sat there for hours with Barbs family, reminiscing about the good times that we all had together. I stand at 5'9" and my Mom was 5'2". I would always go up to her and playfully place my hands and my chin on top of her head and say "Aww... aren't you so cute?". After leaving Barbs house, I took her back to her van for her to head home. It was about 7pm, and we were crying together, trying to make sense of what Barb had done to herself. An otherwise healthy, beautiful and seemingly happy woman. Why would she take her life like that?!! I leant over and I hugged my Mom when she was still sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I looked at her and I told her that I loved her and I said, "Thank God I didn't lose you. I don't know what I would do without my Mom". My Mom was my best friend, hands down. My go-to person. ... She was living with my MomMom at the time, and had apparently woken up around 5am, complaining of chest pains and asking to be taken to the hospital. En route, she allegedly said "Pray for me, Mom. I'm gone"... and fell limp in my MomMoms van. My MomMom veered off into a gas station parking lot, but there was nothing that could be done. My Mom passed from a heart attack at the age of 46. I called my MomMom back, only to have my worst fears confirmed, and something happened to me in that moment. My world went completely numb. I may have even scoffed at the news and said "No... this cant be real". My husband at the time was sobbing beside me because I had my phone on speaker, and I even glanced at him and comforted him... saying "It's okay. It's not real". I knew it was. In that moment though, I couldn't process it. I had to drive home, wake my Dad up and tell him. I had to call both of my brothers and break the news to him. All of their reactions were unforgettable. The horrible twist in it, for me, was that my parents were living separately for a couple of years and planning on getting divorced, and then realized how short life was and that they still loved each other and wanted to work on their differences, in light of Barb taking her life. My Mom was going to move back home and we were all so excited. My Dad screamed loud enough for our whole court to hear him, I'm certain of it. He then asked me to take him to the hospital. We were told that we could say our good-byes but that my Mom had a breathing tube down her throat that could not be removed until an autopsy was performed. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to lose my Dad if he was driving erratically to the hospital. They led us back to her room. I didn't want to walk past her curtain but my body felt numb like it had a mind of its own and I just kept on walking anyway. I was in shock then, and at the time, felt okay. I'm not numb now and, although its been three years, the images of that day play back quite often and it just breaks me. The woman that I saw on that hospital bed was NOT the same woman that I'd seen only a few hours before. She was pale and blue. I walked up to her and I hugged her... something that I normally would NEVER do. There was no heartbeat coming from my Momma. There was nothing except an eerie silence. No Motherly warmth, no nothing. I pulled a chair up beside her bed and I held her left hand... running her fingers through mine and looking at her nails... long and beautiful as usual, painted purple for the Ravens. I kept looking up at her, thinking that she would open her eyes at any moment, even with the tube still in her mouth. And she never did. Barb helped me out a lot. My Mom helped me. They were both strong pillars in my life, and losing them 3 days apart from one another completely shattered who I was as a person. I'm still a far cry from the person that I was and suspect that I'll never feel like that 'Amy' again. I'm full of heart-break, full of hurt and anger, and full of questions that can never be answered. I feel as if I got smacked down by a giant wave in the ocean and when I finally went to resurface, another wave was right behind it and smacked me down again!
  4. to say this has been a tough year is an understatement. in june my dad, 82 at the time, was diagnosed with his second primary cancer-metastatic bladder. mom had chronic kidney, chronic heart disease, copd-you name it. so the summer was spent taking dad to radiation, hospital, etc. mom was doing ok, with some brief episodes of kidney/heart/breathing problems. on august 16th-his 83rd birthday, dad completed radiation. on the 17th, dad got the news that he needed chemo- the same day that mom's cousin was buried. i am a teacher, and a week later, the day before school opened, mom was in the er, for kidney failure, and released a few days later. on october 1-my aunt died (dad's sister in law). mom went back into the hospital several days later-regular room, icu, regular room. on oct. 26th she was sent home to rehab and hospice if needed, due to stage 5 kidney disease and chf-given less than 6 months to live and was on oxygen, needed a walker, and was retaining fluids. While mom was in the hospital, her brother died and the funeral was set for 9 days later- Nov 2. on monday, the 28th, hurricane sandy hit. i lost power for nine days (i have a well) but luckily my parents did not lose it. i had a week off of school, since there was no power and severe damage to the town i work in. this also meant that the nurses and therapists did not get to see mom in a timely manner, because of trees being down, and communication almost impossible. mom did not attend the funeral, because she had serious diarrhea, but i did. during that week, we saw the cardiologist, who said mom looked great, and to call the dr. that gave her the hospice orders. on the monday before thanksgiving, mom had a serious bout of diarrhea and vomiting-probably due to kidney or lactose intolerance. on thanksgiving she ate a chicken wing, some rice and corn saw my son and spoke to my daughter on the phone. that sunday, my cousin's 22 year old son died in a motor vehicle accident. the next day, i got a call at lunch time, from the visiting nurse that mom should go to the hospital, as she was retaining too much fluid, so i drove her there-exactly one month from the time we left. she saw the same dr. who suggested comfort measures, as there was no more that could be done. i asked mom if she wanted to stay at the hospital, dad, was also in the emergency room, at the same time, that day, due to problems with a catheter. i made calls and texts to my aunts-i am an only child, but have several cousins and aunts and uncles. i stayed with mom until about 10 that night. on tuesday i spoke to hospice and told my aunts that if they wanted to see mom, they should come sooner, rather than later. and stayed with mom until about 11 that night. my family from california came on wednesday at about 7 am. i ran errands, and planned to bring mom's dog to see her later that morning. at about 11:50 i got a call to rush to the hospital and picked up dad and the dog. mom was gone when i arrived. her sisters were all there, my daughter was flying in from the west coast, and my son was in the next state. i sent my dad home with my aunts, and stayed with mom alone-about an hour later, my honorary aunt and her daughter walked in and said her mom died an hour before mine did. mom's family had three funerals/wakes to attend in one week. fast forward to christmas week, and my dad was bleeding profusely and ended up in the hospital with his brother in a hospice room down the hall. on 12-29 dad was released and we went to his brother's room on the way out of the hospital, and as we walked in the room, he passed. since august, i have lost 2 cousins, 1 aunt, 2 uncles and my mom- and taking care of my dad. i took off work from the nov. 26th-dec. 12th. and went away with a guy friend for two days the weekend after the funeral. Oh and I forgot to mention that we live 10 miles from Newtown, where the shooting occurred. My daughter got in a car accident with my dad's car on that same day-she is ok but the 92 oldsmobile wagon is a loss. last friday was the first time i cried walking in to work. it just hits at certain times and there is usually no one to turn to for comfort. i miss being able to call mom and tell her the latest-and wish i had a brother or sister to share memories-it is hard being an only child and taking care of everything. i am wondering if there are any other people without siblings that can offer advice... -rox ps-wow this is reallly long