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I made it to the one month mark...my heart is dying slowly inside. Its starting to really sink in he isnt coming home ever again. I finally made myself go into my living room this weekend and straighten it up. I hadn't been in there since he passed in there on Feb 13th. But I realized that he built that room with all the windows in it so that I could enjoy the sunshine in the winter. So I went in there and did what I had to do. I even managed to fall asleep on the couch, best 2 nights sleep I have had since he passed. I am not sure what today is going to bring but I am sure whatever it is, it is going to be dealt with the way it needs to. I am finally realizing nothing is going to bring him back and there is no way for him to advise me anymore so its all on me now.
I didnt think I was going to after yesterday but I guess there was other plans for me. I did have a decent day, went to pay my feed bill, hubby and I have a rescue here on the farm and someone had went in and paid it for me. I only owed $31.30. That gesture totally blew me away, have no clue who it was that did such a thing because our monthly feed bill is in the upwards of $300 a month. I was really worried about having to find other rescues for the dogs,there are 15 of them, and some of them have been here since we started the rescue.but thanks to someone I can keep them for a little while longer. I am not wanting to give them up because if it wasn't for my farm responsibilities, I would just totally give up. Last evening, I had a call from the hospital that Mike was in, it was the chaplain services wanting to offer berevement assistance to me, but to be honest, I am not really wanting to talk to anyone from there because I sincerely believe the hospital is the reason my hubby isnt with me anymore. Yea, I may never be able to prove it but I will never be convinced otherwise because they gave him a medication that should of never been given to him. I am so angry at the hospital and the Dr that keeps telling me that giving that medication is standard protocol, its unbelievable. I don't ever recall being so angry. Yea, some day I may not be, but today I still am and nothing is going to change that. I am staying busy so I don't have to think because every time I do I break down and I am not wanting to do that. I have come to the conclusion its easier to think of him at work (he used to work some long long hours) then to think he isn't ever coming home again. I realize this probably isn't the healthiest choice for me but its the one that gets me through each day so I am taking it while I can because otherwise, I would be totally unable to function and I can't be that way. Thanks again for listening (reading) to me, I just have no support whatsoever and even if I did, I am almost sure I wouldn't talk to anyone because no one I know can ever understand the pain I am in at the moment.
It doesn't get any easier...every day is difficult..every memory is painful....every little inanimate thing gifted or shared are daggers that pull out the scab...every day my heart breaks with the same and if possible deeper intensity as it did on the morn I heard the news... To think that I wasn't aware that ,the love of my life had passed away till the next morn...to think that life went on normally at my end during the time of his death.... He used to call me every day and might and most often I used to carelessly leave my phone around the house and miss his call..he used to get so upset and worried...my dear husband..the evening he died..his friends and seniors in the army tried to call me but again I had left the phone in the drawing room and was busy getting my three year old to sleep in our bedroom...i dint hear the calls and so I dint know..in hindsight,,I dont know what I would have done if I had heard the news over the phone relayed by an unfamiliar voice that night. Alone at home with a sleeping innocent three year old I would have most probably cried my heart out. But I dint..two months and 17 days have passed and I have cried inconsolably twice...both alone and behind closed doors..I have spilled tears on and off but I have an unexpected control over these salty drops that I never thought I possessed..... I only want to see him once more..laugh with him once more.hear him crack one of his silly jokes and irritate me about how he would abandon me if Angelina Jolie came by(as if)..see that naughty dimpled smile on his face when he was up to some mischief..the way he stared at me cos he knew I wud get conscious and the way he felt good about it ...I want to feel just once more his massive strong hug...just once more....everything just once more and I wish I could live in that one moment...but I cant and nothing can be done about it...I invite him in to my dreams...the last and only time i dreamt of him..he was sad and i hugged him... I am sure that at the moment he was shot and the time after that when he realised that he might die he must have gone through intense sadness..and i dont know how to comfort him ..cos he always came to me when he needed comfort and i went to him...now neither do I have his shoulder nor does he have me with him..how do I comfort him through this unknown impenetrable barrier named death...i cant do anything cowardly and irresponsible cos i love my daughter and those where his last words..."i have a three year old daughter...you need to save me"...i have to take car of her cos of how much we love her....but i also dont want him to leave me though he has physically left.... In one of his old letters during our college days around a year after we met and fell in love..he has written..."i love you cos of the way you love me..i love you ..dont ask me why,,,i love you"...ten years later.. I tell you this my chakudu...I will never stop loving you mukund..I cant even if time tried ... for once I can win against time and death for they cant take away the love from my heart..stay close my chakudu..stay close...as I will be yours forever..
srs1518 posted a topic in Loss of a PartnerHere is how I moved forward after the unexpected death of my husband http://thegoodnewsis.com/Articles/when-my-husband-died