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Found 7 results

  1. I lost my mom a year and a half ago; it still hasn't felt that long. I've honestly been too busy with life or too busy being angry, mainly with my sister. You see my sister and I have been grieving quite differently. I was a bit closer with my mom and my sister was sort if...a mess. So it was too little too late to really patch anything up. Fast forward to my sister moving across the country to live in the same city as me and for a few months we lived together and it sucked after my mom died we were complete strangers. The reason I am so fucking pissed... My mom wanted to write a book about her life, my sister and I both had the idea (very separately) to write it. At the beginning we said we would write it together and because of our weird dynamic I sat by myself to make notes and my thoughts on it and decided maybe bring it up when we didn't want to kill each other. We have talked a bit and wanted to spend time reconnecting but I feel I have just opened up myself to a world of hurt. She mentioned just a week ago that she's been writing mom's book and when she's done she would like my input. My first thoughts were, "Oh, thanks! I'm so happy I can have input on my mother." I makes me feel less important, like I'm some outsider and I feel very lonely. She doesn't ask me how I am and I can't talk to her about my grief because she doesn't listen genuinely and even over the phone I can hear her eyes glaze over and feel her mind wander. I usually get a, "just ask mom for a sign, she listens." Well great, as long as I talk to the air and imagine my mom life will be just fine. Why am I going home for Christmas?
  2. Hi everyone! I am so glad I found this forum! I'm 17 just lost my (single) mother to cancer almost a month ago and I feel totally lost. I don't know if our relationship was a rare one (people in my family have told me that it was), but I feel like I have just lost my twin. She never "grew out of" the '80s; before her cancer, she still had the '80s hair, the big earrings, and listened to hair metal bands all the time. When I started high school, I became just like her. I also have '80s hair now...big earrings...rock 'n roll lover. The rock star posters in my room are the very ones that were up on my mom's bedroom wall 30 years ago! We also had the same likes/dislikes. We had the same sense of humor. I already have uncommon interests as it is, so to lose the one that was the closest like me has been a very lonely feeling. Another major change is that it feels different to have no one that loves you more than any other person in this world. There is no one out there now that sees my artworks I did when I was 7 or my baby pictures as a treasure. I know my situation was pretty unique though. After all, there are millions of children out there who don't even have parents, either that or they are in a family where love is distributed equally. But since I was the only child of a single mom, I had a person who loved me more than anyone or anything else. Now I am trying to learn how to love myself as much as my mom loved me, but that in itself has been an uphill battle. I am religious, if that helps anything. I know she is no longer suffering and is doing better in heaven than even the happiest person on earth, which has brought me immense relief. Instead of crying over our future being broken apart, I imagine her skipping down golden streets and going to Prince concerts sold-out across the clouds (well, idk about that last part. Hopefully she is! ) Slightly off-topic- I want to love my future child/ren the same way my mother loved me, but I don't think I should even have children in the future considering I would want them to be just like me. Instead of molding them into the child/ren I want them to be, I need to discover the person they are--their personality. But I'm not sure I can do that, which I understand is selfish.
  3. lost without him

    In May of 2015 I lost the love of my life, my partner of 24 years. We'd spent our entire adult lives together and then one morning he sat on the edge of the bed, slumped forward, and was dead. Sudden cardiac death at 44. I know nothing can prepare you for the loss of a partner but damn I was totally shocked. In the days immediately after I entertained thoughts of suicide nut could only think how my death would hurt him. I'm tired of hearing things will get better with time. The pain doesn't lessen, it's not as constant but the enormity of the loss doesn't go away--I never expected to be 42 and alone. It's been more than a year and still at some point everyday something reminds me of him and I break into tears. The successes I have had in the past year just feel hollow, as I feel hollow. My therapist thinks it's time I move on and consider dating and it just infuriates me, like society allows a year for mourning and beyond that is socially unacceptable and uncomfortable for those around you. I am in no condition to consider the idea right now, yet I am lonely beyond words. We also weren't married and I agree that somehow to others it lessens the depth of your loss, like those 24 years would have meant more, been more legitimate somehow. Friends and family keep telling me they dream of him or they feel his presence and for me there is just a void, an emptiness that is no longer filled by him. I really don't know where to turn anymore, i'm just so empty. I'm not sure what I am looking for here, I guess maybe a recognition of some kind, a way to climb out of this sorrow.
  4. I am new tonight. I am not here because I do not have people to talk to, it is just that sometimes it is easier to say things to strangers. My husband died June 1st of this year. He died sleeping on the sofa while I stayed in the bedroom so I did not disturb him. Let me provide a brief background. He was injured on the job 5 years ago. Just a slight injury which due to the negligence of a workers comp doctor resulted in his losing the use of his hand. 14 surgeries later and in constant pain due to RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy), addiction to pain pills, he was finally getting some relief from low dose methadone therapy which sadly is what he died of. In the morning, I heard him breathing very loud just as his best friend came to see him. I shook him for about 3 minutes trying to wake him up. He did wake up and I was yelling at him, what did you take? I am calling 911. He said I am fine, don't call them I am just trying to wake up. 2 1/2 hours later he was dead. I have so much guilt that had I called 911 he may have been ok. His friend who is a nurse said that he thought at that time his heart was so bad that he would not have been saved. Looking back, he had the signs of a heart attack the day before , an odd feeling in his left arm, which was not unusual as he had a spinal stimulator sending constant electric shock down his arm. He was taking Tums and he was gray and waxy looking which he thought he was getting my cold. The grief is unbearable but the guilt is worse. He was only 48 years old. In the week after he died, we had our anniversary and his birthday. It just seems like every day there is something that he is missing and I, I am missing him.
  5. I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant clearly. I thought I had been for awhile but didn't think it could be possible I can remember thinking no I wouldn't be that lucky. Then I decided to do a test it said I was pregnant but just to be sure I thought I'd do another five tests all of them said I was preganant. I was gob-smacked I stared down at those two pink lines in disbelief I had to ask my partner if I was seeing things and he said no honey they are there those two little pink lines are there your pregnant!. Hearing those words was like music to my ears I was overwelmed. Everything was going so well I hardly no problems with the pregnancy what so ever I didn't even have morning sickness I was only sick a couple of times when the baby didn't like something. Which is why me going into labour so early was such a shock. I was 23 weeks roughly I remember I was concerned about the leaking I was experiencing. So on my break at work I called my midwife team told them all about it and my concerns. It was like someone had punched me in the chest and winded me when the midwife said " I don't want you to panic but you do have to phone your nearest hospital's labour ward and get down there immediatly you could be in early labour". I was panicking I didn't know what to do so while the people I worked with tried to calm me down my boss phoned my partner to get him to come and take me to the nearest hospital's labour ward. So as soon as he came we went to the hospital booked into the labour ward explained what was wrong and waited in the waiting room. The wait was agonising I wanted them to hurry up I want them to tell me if there was anything wrong or not was I to expect the worse or was everything ok. With a billion and one thoughts running through my head they called us in. They ran some checks I was okay my blood preasure and everything was okay so was the baby's heartbeat. It was until the did a scan that they realised the membrains or something were outside of the womb I'm a 100% sure what they ment but by the way they were talking I knew it was bad. So they admitted me to the labour ward had my bed on a angle with my feet pointing up, my head pointing down in hope to get the membrains back in the womb naturally without force because they didn't want to break my waters when it wasn't time for them to go. They were hoping to only keep me in for alittle while but after discussing the situation with many different doctors in the end they decided to keep me. I was on bed rest and given an injection in my leg to strengthen the baby's lungs should the worst happen. And I was due have the same injection the next day. But on July 4th 2013 at around 11 or 11:30 am after coughing my waters broke. I won't lie I panicked big time didn't know what to do. I was alone my partner was on his way up with clothes for me anyway but I phoned him to inform him what was going on. The nurses said no to panick too much perhaps they have broken but I'm not in labour. Oh how much I wished that to be true but something told me that the worst was going to happen. I was having uncomfortable stomach cramps which were obviously contractions but I partly didn't want to believe that they were. I was scared I was alone I have the nurses but not my partner he was on his way. Oh how I wish he would hurry up but right then the nurses came in to check on me did what they had to do to see how dilated I was. The baby's started to enter the birth canal they said there's nothing we can do to stop it your in labour now. What!? I'm not ment to it's too early I remember saying .They told me to push when I was supposed to push, I can't my partner isn't here yet is there anyway we can delay it till he's here I remember asking. But they said there wasn't anytime they couldn't do anything. So I did as I was told and I pushed it hurt like crazy but I had to push. I pushed 3 times and nothing then on the 4th push she came out a beautiful baby girl. She cried when she came out the nurses were gob-smacked they weren't expected her to be alive when she came out I suppose. They called a bunch of doctors to come a reaccess the situation. They should there watching I felt like I was on trial for something. The decision for whether or not they should put my daughter on the machines was in their hands. I held my breath wanting to scream, shout anything to make them listen to tell them to help her. But they simply shoke their heads and walked out of the room to carry on with their day. I want to scream to shout to hit them but I was in shock tired angry, upset. Then this little bundle was handed to me by a nurse who then said she was sorry she wished there was more she could do. A lot was said by the nurses but what they said became mumbles I wasn't paying attenion I was busy looking at my beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh-Marie. I decided to ignore the fact I was angry I didn't want her last memory of me to be someone who was shouting and making a fuss. I knew I didn't have long with her so I wanted to use that time wisely. I remember saying quietly and calmly it's okay mummy's here it's okay your safe. She trying hard to keep breathing love her, her little cheast was going up and down trying to breathing as much she could. She seemed scared very scared her head moving about frantically probably wondering where she was but as soon as I spoke she seemed more relaxed. And even know her eyes weren't open when she calmed down she moved her head towards me as though she was looking up at me. That's right mummy's here its alright as soon as I said that her tiny hands wrapped round my little finger as though she was saying I know your there mummy. Daddy will be here soon if you could just hang on he'll be here and just as I said that she moved her head as if she was looking round the room for him. Then her head moved back towards me her little hand not letting go of my little finger once. I felt as though we were frozen in that moment just then as she lay there looking up at me even though her eyes weren't able to open. Then all of a sudden that moment seemed to be shattered when her breathing seemed to slow right down. This can't be happening I kept repeating in my head not my little girl. I froze I had never felt so powerless so unable to do something in my entire life. This had to be some horrible nightmare I was in surely I was going to wake up soon and everything would be ok. I could not have been more wrong she was gone, my beautiful angel Nevaeh-Marie was gone. I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face I'm not usually one to cry infront of people but that day I didn't care my baby was gone and the floods of tears were never ending. My partner was on his way but didn't know I had given birth the nurses asked if I wanted them to notify family but I wanted to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell my partner myself so I phoned his mother and asked if she would tell him. She always passed on bad news really well to him when told about things like that by his mother he didn't freak out or lash out but when told by someone else he would I couldn't chance that. Shortly after he arrived at the hospital the nurse opened the door to him and floods of tears came over me like a waterfall I couldn't stop apologising to him even though he couldn't understand why I was apologising. For awhile we just laid there the three of us hugging. The nurse took pictures for us to remember her by. My dad then came to the hospital my partner had rung him while he was at work love him he came straight from work to be at the hospital for us. That day was the first day I had seen my dad cry he kept repeating how sorry he was and hugging me holding me tight. Then a few more of the family members from my dad's side came that day was the first day I had seen my brother cry too. That day was beautiful as well as horrible beautiful as we were blessed with beautiful baby girl. And horrible because she was taken away from us. I haven't been right since christmas isn't that far away now and I have never disliked this time of year so much before. This would have been her first christmas with her family it still will be but not the way we would like to be like. Each day brings new challenges some days are easier than others and some are harder than others. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep smiling or even to smile at all
  6. It's my birthday...

    Today is my birthday. I've already been to the mechanic for an estimate on my car. I have a doctor's appointment coming up in a couple hours. And I'm sitting here lonely and missing Andy. He would have been fixing a special brunch for me. He wouldn't have shaved but he knows I think his beard is sexy. After brunch we'd run errands together and later just curl up on the couch together and watch tv. We'll never do these things again. I'm lonely and I'm in pain and I don't want to go on. We were supposed to go together. He is and will always be a part of me. And I can only hope the rest of my life is very very short.
  7. i only have one voicemail to you:

    i only have one voicemail from you that i had to get my sister to send to me, i didn't save any of our voicemails...i always deleted them. i wish i would have saved them now. is there any way i can somehow get my deleted voicemails back at all?...i don't even know. i miss your voice so damn much...it makes me just so sad to know that i won't hear it again. i miss you matthew oh my god. i swear i am so lost without you. i seriously don't know how to carry on without you. you were always my stronger half and im now more weaker than ever.
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