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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Found 4 results

  1. Why are we here anyway?

    I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..! The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot. The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess, splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling ( Cancer Psychologist from the hospital). I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok! I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway). Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are meaning me! Shudder! Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else. I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone? Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive. God Bless and remember this much. Love never dies. Amen.
  2. New tonthe Forum

    Hello Everyone, I’m new to the forum. I lost both of my parents a day apart 2 weeks ago. It was Monday September 18. My son was eating breakfast and I was getting ready for work. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. It was my aunt (my father’s older sister). I felt my stomach drop because it was unlike her to call so early unless something was urgent. I answered the phone and heard the fragility in her voice. My father had died earlier that morning. My world as I knew it had been shattered. We talked every singles day several times a day. That was my best friend. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt. That night I received a phone call thst my mother was actively dying in the nursing home she’d been living in for the past 5 days (in Utah)I called into the wee hours of the night to find out her status. In the morning I called to check on her again and was told she had the “death rattle.” I knew it wouldn’t be long until she passed. I asked the nurse to put the phone to her ear so i could speak woth her one final time. As we made our way to TN (where my father resided) later thst morning, the nursing home called to tell me my mother had died. Words can’t really give justice to my emotions. My mother was a drug addict and she died as a result of the disease. I don’t she ever realized how wonderful she was and that she deserved better. I know there is someone out there that can relate/understand what it’s like. If you’re out there, please talk to me. Today has been a rought day on this journey and i could use a companion. If you got this far in the post, thank you for reading. I pray we are all able to move forward.
  3. Hi!! I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice. It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone. My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time, I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married. I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him. Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.
  4. I cannot believe its already the 13th of December. In a little over a month, it will be three years since my mom passed away. I STILL cannot believe it. I mean I can, but it brings me so much sadness and grief when I think about her. It is almost as though I have to find the hidden corners of my memory to remember her in health, where as in reality all my life that I spent with her, was when she was healthy. Why does this happen? I am not sure. But recovery is not something that happens over a year, ha! its close to almost 3 and I still am not even halfway. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer in 2012. The world did not end, but for me, a huge part of what I knew and understood about the world and life did end. The source of love, not just any love, but UNCONDITIONAL love was gone. To think that I will never see her again hurts me so much. I cannot fathom that concept. I am not sure how i go about life everyday and how I have done that since the last three years. All I know is, my mom would not want me to feel this way, but it really so damn hard to be happy when she is not around. My mother, sister and I have been through so much in life. The loss of my father, very suddenly, in 2001 being one of them. I was 14. very young, understood death enough to know that he would not come back, but definitely was not mature enough to process it well. I was so young and so was my sister, ( oh my god, i still remember the horror of hearing about death of my father, some parts of it very vivid ( almost as though i had an outer body experience of watching myself cry with eyelids swollen to extreme, waking up at night) and others very blurry ( apparently I tried to jump off my terrace ( or so I have been told by a family friend who I met couple of months after mom had passed) but all I remember is a bunch of women surrounding me telling me " what is wrong with you? think about your mother". ) As I am writing this, I can feel a huge lump in my throat and im crying profusely. I was not able to think- to be honest- i do not even know how i managed it all. But now after having lost my mother, and married to my wonderful amazing husband, I cannot fathom how she managed it. "those women" surrounding me were right- THINK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. I will just have to forgive myself because I was really young, and distraught and I eat all my sadness, to the point that its manifested in many ways- PCOS, im sure if I see a shrink they will diagnose me with depression ( i refuse to give into any labels that defines me sick because I see it as a process of healing, and it takes time) I most definitely have PTSD ( I am still trying to cope with it- I will talk about what I am finally doing to take care of myself- later) and it has affected my emotional wellbeing, and even my skin now. ( i am breaking out in rashes/ eczema/ psoriasis like) that the doctors just cannot figure out what its about after draining a gallon of blood and numerous allergy tests). I lost both my parents when they were away from me. I did not get a chance to see them. the horror and pain that brings me is out of control. There are days when I can cope with it, and other days I am spiraling in sadness and as soon as i hit the very bottom- somehow I can rise up. I feel so guilty about some of things i said to my mother when she was sick, pushing her to eat when she didnt want to, being frustrated because I couldnt help her. and acting out because of it. It is so absolutely hard to think about those times and not see how I could have been a better person, more understanding, more loving, more supportive but now that it is all gone, I do not know how to forgive myself anymore. I know for a fact that my mom wouldn't want me to feel this way but then, I cannot hear her say it so how do i know for sure? I just celebrated by 27th birthday last month and i was so sad because ma would call me to say happy birthday. Its been 3 birthdays and she hasnt, and she won't. its funny to also think how selfishly we celebrate our birthday as though it is something that only belongs to us! shouldnt it actually be my mothers day? she birthed me. when my friend talked about how birthdays can be so selfish, i realised how for most of my life, it was about me, but now it is all about her. Ma, i miss you so much. She wanted to see me graduate from school and next week I am graduating but shes not going to be there. I got married two months ago, and I took my mom and my dad's photo to the city clerks office because i couldnt believe that they wouldnt be there. and upon asking my husband to take a picture of me, my sister who was present, with our parent's photo- both of us starting crying. It is still so hard. I do not even talk about it with my friends or people I know. I can only talk about death with people that have a real understanding of it. Or it feels like I am talking to a wall. who looks back at me, but does not see me. or how I feel. Some people say that a sudden death is worse than an anticipated death. hahaha! what a strange thing to say. I have been on both side and neither of them is easy. at all. neither! infact waiting for my mom to (not) die was one of the hardest things i have been through in my life. I can actually say this with certainty as of now- the hardest thing that i have been through. But that opened up the concept of what losing your spouse or your child would mean. I want to take this chance ( if anyone will ever read this) to say that if you have lost your child, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. i cannot imagine how hard that must be. To me that is the greatest pain a person can go through. Losing your spouse/lover is probably the other hardest. Now I am talking like everyone who tries to create a hierarchy for loss. I do not mean to. I will keep writing, I guess, but I really just want to help everyone that is dealing with loss too- i feel like if i can be of any help or insight to anyone- it will help me out in the process. I hope that everyone who is going through loss has faith and patience. Only time and you yourself can heal it. And you ought to love yourself enough to heal yourself. Life is too short and its not a cliche. It is the truth. Couple of things I have been doing lately to heal myself ( mostly because now that my skin is physically reminding me of my inner state) is - Pranayama ( breathing exercise) 30 mins a day. I split it into two or three parts so its easier to do so. I do anulom bilom/ bhrastika/ shitali/ and kapalbhati - I am drinking a lot of juices/ fruits and vegetables and taking herbs ( tulsi/ and different ayurvedic herbs for liver and blood cleanse, like tumeric/ ginger and garlic) ayurvedic herbs are really good as supplement to get rid of toxins in your body. Stress and energy blockages can create toxins too, so this should be taken if you know adequate information about it, and also if you are not allergic. I have begun doing this since three weeks- i will keep posting more when i learn more. - I am doing 20 minute workout just to keep myself physically fit. - drinking green tea/ tulsi tea. Herbal tea and cut out coffee/ alcohol and taking a break from smoking. - meditating. For those who have the means to travel- i suggest go to asia/ nepal or india or around that region.Or travel the world. meeting people from all walks of life teaches one a lot! I am from Nepal. We deal with death very differently back home- its all in the open. nothing is hidden and death is not a taboo. much love.