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  1. Last November I came back to my dorm room to find my sweet little boy Pudge in some serious distress. He was yowling, his back legs lost circulation, he couldn't move, and he was so so scared. I immediately started crying because I knew he was going to die, and despite my pleading with him not to as I drove to the vet, he did just that. The doctor told me that he was in a lot of pain, his heart was weak, he had a blood clot in a major artery, and there was nothing to be done. I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever made and I'll never forget the way he looked at me as he went. His little head was resting in my hand as I cried. He looked at me as if to say it was okay, and it was his time to go. As his eyes finally closed, and his breathing stopped, it felt as though the whole world went silent. Pudge was the sweetest little boy in the entire world and I loved him with all of my heart. I am a college student living with Major Depression and a General Anxiety Disorder. In the Fall of 2016, I decided to bring my cat to school with me as an emotional support animal and it was the best decision I've ever made. I am an RA and I live alone, so it was perfect. He helped me sleep, or calm down during a panic attack. He was there for me and loved me unconditionally. He was an older cat, 14 at the time of his death, and he LOVED attention. I would look forward to coming home every day because he would be there waiting for me. We spent hours doing homework, cuddling, watching Netflix and YouTube videos, and taking naps. You name it! He was the sweetest cat I've ever known. He never hissed at, scratched, or bit me. Many of my friends and residents commented on how close we were. He really was like a son to me. He lived a happy and beautiful life with me, and now he's gone. I just... I thought we had more time to be together. I thought he would be there for my graduation. We were going to make Christmas cards, I bought him a little sombrero to throw him a quinceñera this year, etc. I don't know what to do without him. I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ugly white box they put his ashes in. Sometimes I start crying and I hold it wishing that he were there. I need to find an urn for him but they're all so expensive, and I'm on a college student budget. I miss him, I miss everything about him. Even the way he would cry to be held at night, the way he would rub against my face when I was sleeping and he wanted attention, or how he would walk all over my laptop and disrupt my work. Now I have no one to hold, to cuddle with or kiss on the cheek. My room is silent, empty, lifeless. I could barely open the door to my room and spend five minutes in there after it happened. Now it's more bearable but I still feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I go home. I recently went to my actual home for Winter Break. I used to cry every day, but the entire week before I went home I only teared up a little. When I packed my car and put all of his stuff in it... the litter box, the food bowl, his toys, his treats... it was all too much. I broke down crying. Now I cry every night, despite my best efforts. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss because of my loss. I realize that getting better and moving on isn't a straight line. I'll have setbacks, take one step forward and three steps back, etc. But I feel like I'm grieving INCORRECTLY or something. He was my best friend, my little son, my love bug. We were co-dependent. He wasn't just a cat, he was my family. Now he's gone.
  2. Hi there, i'm not really sure what i'm doing or expecting from this but here goes, i lost my father on the 17 September 2016, he died suddenly of a stroke, less than 24hrs of it happening, i was living in Australia at the time and my partner and i flew back to Scotland to be with the family and for his funeral, we arived back in Australia on the 22nd October and since then i've had huge difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep longer than 1-2hrs, i've tried all the usual herbel remedies, including a hell of a lot of Whisky, drowsey couch medicine and now i'm on too a few Valium everynight but still nothing is working, i just cant stop thinking of him, my mind wont let me have some rest, i was on a train today and a guy was wearing his aftershave, i started looking around for my father!!, wtf is that?!, anyway, like i said, i dont know what i'm expecting from this but i've heard its easier to talk to strangers than friends sometimes, any replys would be greatly appriciated, thanks Dean
  3. I lost my baby boy, who was technically a young man, being 20 years old, just over s week ago. He found himself a heroin addict at the age of 17, and despite all his father and my attempts to help him, he ended up being sentenced to 2 years in federal prison for distribution and gun charges. This really extended his life though at the time I hoped it was 'saving ' it. Let me go back and mention that my son was truly an amazing person. He was handsome, funny, extremely smart, testing at a 227 IQ level, and he had the most loving and generous hearts of anyone I so far have ever known. He truly had it all going for him. Most mothers and sons have a special bond, but you'll have to take my word for it when I tell you our bond and relationship was beautiful. He never got to old to lay his head in my lap and let me 'pet' his hair when he needed a little extra loving and took pride in bragging to his friends that I was his best friend, and when most boys his age would be embarrassed to admit that. He was released from prison just over 3 months ago and we let him move back in, naturally while he got on his feet. We were so proud of how well he was doing, as he almost immediately landed a full time job, had passed ever last random drug test his parole officer ordered him to, was working out and had and over all positive attitude about the great future he would have. Before he was sent to prison, his dad and I worried daily that he would lose his life to either overdose or at his own hands because his depression was severe. And even though we were apprehensively optimistic about him maintaining sobriety, the thought of losing him to his addiction was not currently a concern. It came as a great shock to us to discover that he had relapsed and overdosed last Monday. The detective eased my fears that it was intentional because there was still left over heroin, and those deciding on an intentional overdose always use it all, so they don't take any chances of being unsuccessful. They also told us they only found one other track mark, which was old and fading and that they didn't believe he had relapsed more than a couple of times, which is what ultimately led to his death. As what is probably common knowledge, the danger of overdose is highest for a newly relapsed addict because they often revert to the dosage they were last at, overwhelming their bodies because their tolerance has gone way down during sobriety. In either case, his passing was a great shock and I'm amazed I've made it this far. One of the hardest things I'm dealing with is the insomnia, mostly because of the side affects of that are only adding to the grief I'm already trying to cope with. Unfortunately, it is not your average sort of insomnia, which I have some experience with having encountered it twice before, both times in varying severity and length. I know all the tricks of reducing the severity and maintaining some level of control over it. What I have no experience with is dealing with or controlling the gruesome images that assault me, just as I'm finally succumbing to unconsciousness, and preventing me from almost going without sleep completely. You see, I was the one who discovered my sons body. Preliminary testing put his death at approximately six hours prior to my discovery and most people know that the longer time that has passed, the worse the condition of the body. I will spare the details obviously but take my word that no mother should ever have to live with those images of their child. WHAT DO I DO?? At this point I have only managed about 4 hours of sleep total in the last 72 hours. I was forced to take the day off of work because the sleep deprivation is so bad right now I can't even think straight let alone safely drive or competently put in a days work. I only recently got back to work a couple days ago, feeling that keeping myself busy was healthier than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I know I am not strong enough to cope with this on top of the unbelievable pain I am already suffering. Any advice, miracles, etc. would be greatly appreciated
  4. My dad died of liver cancer at the end of March. We found out right before Thanksgiving 2014 that he had cancer and he was gone by Easter. In the beginning of March we were told he had 3 to 6 months, by the second week we were told weeks. By the third week, we knew it would not be long. I was so very close with my dad. I was Daddy's little girl. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I break down at least once a day, sometimes more. I am trying to stay strong for my mom and while I am with her, most of the time I am a rock. Once I am by myself I can be emotional. I still have very vivid nightmares about the two days before he passed. With liver cancer, ammonia levels rise and the person you love turns into someone they are not. My dad kicked me, hit me and told me he didn't care about me in those two days. He thought we were being cruel by trying to keep him in bed and he was so confused, angry and hurt because we had to take him to a hospice house. I am filled with guilt because we could not take care of him at home. I was also with him when he died and those last moments were absolutely horrible to watch. I have experienced loss before with my grandparents and an uncle but nothing like this. I can't seem to get it together and my nightmares are now causing insomnia. I have tried anti depressants to help with the loss and they do not help. So I thought I would try an online support group. I miss him so much. I keep thinking that this is all just another one of my nightmares and that I will wake up. I just don't feel like it is getting any better.