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Found 19 results

  1. Feeling empty

    We were a very happy family till the last June when my husband was diagnosed with a tumor in the stomach. We have two children 15 and 12. In front of our children we never talked about death but we didnt know that is going to happen very soon for us. He had three chemos and after that a surgery which resulted unsuccessful to remove the tumor. The surgeon said he was inoperable cause of the spreading which wasnt noticed before surgery. After some days (December 3, 2016) of the intervention (the surgeon did a gastric bypass) my husband had an internal bleeding which was fatal for him. In September 2016,my children lost their grandma and I lost my mother which lived with us. And now from happy family we are returned in a silent one. I don't know if we are going to find that happiness again?! My children, I hope yes! I'm trying to do as best I can for them but... myself I feel so empty...
  2. I lost my husband in July things were going good after the funeral. i did all the paperwork, got out to drive, walked my dog, went shopping, start going back to church. As the days went on it seems like when I wake up things started feeling worse, I kept trying to stay motivated but it is not helping. I'm still trying to do most things, but now it just seems like the fear is overwhelming. I don't know what to do I'm asking for help or some kind of advice I feel all alone everyday and it just seems harder to cope with.
  3. Freaking out

    I can't sleep. To make a really long story short, Bill passed away 8 months ago. Three months or so ago my niece stole HIS cell phone for drug money. I found out who has it but the jerk wanted me to BUY it back (hell no, it's mine already ) and the police won't do anything about it because he lives in a different town. So, two weeks ago I dropped MY phone into 3 inches of diesel fuel. I thought it'd be ok because it still worked. Last Wed. it died and I had to get a new one. My problem is, I have to send back my phone because they replaced it. I now have NONE of the messages etc. we shared for the last 2 years of our life together! NOTHING!! How in the heck am I supposed to handle that?! All of the joking back and forth, teasing, harassing, I love you's, I miss you, look what i saw today.......Gone.....I can't stand it. I know you all understand what it means to me and I had to get it off my chest. No one I'm close to has lost a spouse so they don't get it. I'm not sure how to not let this make me crazy. .it feels like I'm losing him all over again. </3 :-(
  4. I want to go too.

    My husband lost his battle 12/25/2016. It was far from expected, although metastatic melanoma is mean and fast. We really thought that Moffitt Cancer Center had things pretty decently under control. The tumors in his brain had other ideas. One day he was grocery shopping with me, eating at a restaurant...the next he had a massive brain bleed. During surgery a stroke took out a fourth of his brain. The next day a massive stroke took the rest of his brain and he died. I KNOW he didn't feel ready to go. I'm in shock. We were together for thirty years, married for 24. It's been a little over three weeks now...this is the longest I've been away from him ever. When I looked down in the earth at his casket...I wanted to go too. I still just want to go. I have two daughters and a beautiful grandson but all I can think of is I can't stand a life without Kevin in it. How can I possibly do this? I don't want to. I'm on disability for Mixed Connective Tissue Disease also. My own health is crap. I'll turn 48 at the end of this week and my world has crumbled. I want to scream for help, but nothing anyone says seems to matter.
  5. Too Sad to Cry

    I am coming up on the one month mark of the loss of my husband. Things have quieted down now that the holidays are done and a sad quiet fills the house. I feel at loose ends, though I do manage to get at least one productive thing done each day, and sometimes more. I have some time before any painful dates arrive on the calendar. I have adjusted my sleep schedule because the night time is when I miss him most, so I go to bed earlier than was our usual habit and I try to skip a nap even though that makes my head worse. I had a brain tumor so that afternoon nap was important to help with the headaches and brain fatigue, but if I nap then I am up very late like we used to do together. We were a pair of night owls and that was our time together, even if we were each just quietly doing our own thing we would still make comments to one another. We made a very peaceful and comfortable life together and didn't need to talk to feel connected. I'm finding that we don't need bodies to feel connected either, but it's so much harder without both of us having one. I haven't been able to cry, but writing this is opening the way for healing tears to flow. I'm not sobbing hopelessly, but finally releasing the sadness in the most human way of all. Thank you for sharing this forum with me, and I appreciate feeling so much less alone as a part of this community.
  6. My husband Jack died three weeks ago. He went for an outpatient diagnostic procedure that had complications and he was admitted to the hospital. He had been in the hospital since late October except for the three days he was home with a chest tube and home health, but things got worse and he went back inpatient. We had been married twelve years. He was my hero and had too many wonderful qualities to list here. He had already survived gastro-esophageal cancer and I met him three years post diagnosis. We navigated the decreasing frequency of the tests, celebrating the good news of each one until he finally reached the huge milestone of being declared cured. I knew going into the relationship that grief would be in my future as the price of this love, but I accepted that as a fair price for such a special love and I have no regrets about that choice. Two years after our marriage I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I became disabled with memory and cognitive issues afterward. It was benign, so we didn't have that other challenge. Jack was patient, encouraging, understanding, supportive, and loving. He had been a professional disability rehabilitation counselor, so he had a lot of insight about my needs and challenges. He supported me as I regained many of my abilities. Even his last long hospitalization gave me the opportunity to get used to living in the house alone, but with his love and support from his hospital bed. Things looked hopeful at the beginning of his illness, but his lung would not re-inflate. What I didn't know was that he felt he was dying and he worked on goodbyes with his brother and sister and his grown children and my two adult sons. He did not do any of that work with me or with our best friend, so I think he was saving the hardest for last. Had I known he was doing this final work I would have made different choices and brought our living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare decisions we had our attorney draw up when I was diagnosed with the brain tumor. As it happened, I was in his room and saw the monitor changes in the overbed monitor and summoned help immediately. I had been an emergency and flight nurse so I knew too well what I was seeing. His daughter was with us and I got her out of the room. He survived that to be transferred to ICU, though he never regained consciousness nor showed any signs of recovery. After two days I brought in the paperwork and got Hospice involved. His surgeon was very angry over my decision and yelled "This man walked into my office a week ago, I'm not ready to give up." All the other physicians were supportive of my decision. As a nurse, I think the surgeon just wanted to delay his death so that it would not occur in the thirty day reporting window that would damage his statistics. Jack left this world just hours after things were disconnected. My first request was that the in-room monitor be turned off and that was done right away. The staff were very supportive. I had gotten to know one of the social workers and one of the chaplains, and they were there for me afterward. As a nurse, I have seen people be very particular about their dying and not be willing to leave in the presence of certain loved ones. I took a long walk with our best friend at one point if that was what Jack needed, but as it happened he left his body when me, his daughter, and our best friend were with him. I had a brief glimpse of his joy when he left his body and then it was over. His family has continued to be loving and supportive toward me, and I have a circle of people close to me who have gathered nearer. Now our two dogs (Ike the aged Puggle, and Molly the young mini Hippo) sleep with me in the bed and we are a small pack. He was my love, my closest friend, and my hero. I am devastated by this loss. My life will continue as a tribute to the many lasting gifts Jack taught me and how he helped me grow into a better person with his love.
  7. Lost my soul mate

    I lost my husband and soul mate suddenly in a car accident on Nov. 28th of this year. We met when I was 14 and married when I was 16. We were married for 13 years and had 2 beautiful little boys together. They're 12 and 10 now. We were a very close family. We did absolutely everything together and I mean everything. My husband and I were fortunate enough to spend almost every waking moment together and never got tired of each other. I was always excited to see him and talk to him. I was always wrapped in his arms or holding his hands. I just don't know how to live or function without him. This terrifies me because like I said we have 2 boys together. I know I have to be strong for them and keep it together, but this is the hardest, most painful thing I've ever even imagined. Please tell me how to make this pain even a little better. I'm so lost now and no one seems to be able to relate or understand.
  8. I lost my husband and soul mate suddenly in a car accident on Nov. 28th of this year. We met when I was 14 and married when I was 16. We were married for 13 years and had 2 beautiful little boys together. They're 12 and 10 now. We were a very close family. We did absolutely everything together and I mean everything. My husband and I were fortunate enough to spend almost every waking moment together and never got tired of each other. I was always excited to see him and talk to him. I was always wrapped in his arms or holding his hands. I just don't know how to live or function without him. This terrifies me because like I said we have 2 boys together. I know I have to be strong for them and keep it together, but this is the hardest, most painful thing I've ever even imagined. Please tell me how to make this pain even a little better. I'm so lost now and no one seems to be able to relate or understand.
  9. 72 Days

    It's been 72 days since Bill died. 72 days that feels every bit of 72 years. I can't stand the thought of living the rest of my life without him. I was so angry with him for taking away our wonderful life and future for nothing. I'm not so angry anymore, just heartbroken. It's worse now than ever. Every day I miss him more. I just don't care about anything. I do everything I'm supposed to but there is absolutely no joy. I just want to go to sleep and wake up the day I'm to join him. Just skip all this. It's just too hard, I'm not as strong as people believe I am or I thought i was.This is by far the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I just don't know where to go from here.
  10. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  11. 45 Days

    I never expected to be a widow at 56. I'm sure my husband didn't expect to die at 59. Yet, here we are. 45 days ago my awesome husband and best friend died from an aortic dissection. His dying was completely senseless and preventable. All he had to do was take his medication like he said he was. From what I can tell, he hadn't taken it with any regularity for the last 4 years. I am so angry about that. He took our entire life and future away for no good reason. I don't know how people write so easily what is in their head and heart. I don't seem to be able to do that. I guess I'm here because from everything I've read, people here understand what I'm going through. So many people have written what I feel and can't express. We were together 20 years, he died 6 days before our 15th anniversary. The moment I met him, I knew we were meant to be. We were perfect for each other. There was never an awkward moment. We could and did talk to each other about everything. We rarely had disagreements and when we did they didn't last long. We did everything together and now I have no idea who I am without him. I have no clue how to live my life without him , nor do I want to. I just go through the day doing what I'm supposed to and not caring about any of it. I still can't believe he's not coming home. I can't believe this will be my life now. I am a strong person , people have always told me that. Because of that, I think they think I'm handling all of this well. I have not cried in front of anybody since he died. I haven't cried much at all and I feel guilty about that too. Thank you for listening.
  12. Marriage in the afterlife

    Hi - I am new to this forum, but it has already proven to be some form of "comfort" to read the stories of others and see that going crazy is a common experience following the sudden loss of a partner. I found my boyfriend passed away just 10 weeks ago at age 27 from sudden heart failure, and I have yet to post in the Loss of a Partner section, but definitely will do so when I feel ready to share our full story. But specifically at this time, I am heavily dealing with the difficult loss of hope for the future & a desire to leave this earth to be with him (suicidal), and I am posting here about my unresolved questions about marriage/partnership/love in the life after leaving this earth. My boyfriend and I are believers & we did our best to do everything the "right" way - so of course the questions of "What kind of God would allow this to happen?" "Why didn't God intervene with just a tiny miracle or at least warn me ahead of time so I can try to pray and stop it?" "Shouldn't good people be rewarded for the wonderful things they do and evil people punished?" have gone through my head. Together, we grew closer in our personal relationships with God (reading the Bible more often, reading other Christian books about purpose and vision, praying and going to church more often), and we even practiced celibacy for a time period in order to develop our relationship the right way (we did have sex outside of this time period, however). For the first time in both of our lives we found real & true love & wanted marriage, we were planning engagement within 6 months, and we had not been blessed with children yet - so when he left this earth he also took all of my hope & future plans. Although I will never understand why, I am moving out of the denial process & am just now accepting that my love is NEVER coming back, and that i lost half of me to heaven. So now my questions remain about our relationship status in the afterlife. I know that the Bible says we will not marry or be given into marriage in heaven, and we will not have earthly bodies so there is no function for sex. I also know that we may be arranged by families in heaven, so husbands and wives will be reunited with their children & other family members... but what about the familial relationship between partners if they were never given the opportunity to be officially married in a church by an ordained minister here on earth? Will I be reunited with my boyfriend in heaven in the same way a husband and wife would? From the Bible, I also can see that once our bodies are resurrected, there is a possibility that there will be marriage on the New Earth when creation is redeemed to God's original standards forever, especially since the Bible mentions that children will continue to be born. The Bible also mentions that God will "restore to you the years which the locust have eaten," so can I expect that my love and I will have the chance to marry and be blessed with children on the New Earth since we were robbed of this opportunity by having our years together stolen from us on this earth? If this is so, what can I do to ensure we will be given this chance to marry on the New Earth? Should I abstain from sex, marriage, and children for the rest of my life? Should I become a nun? Or if I do eventually fall in love again, should I never officially marry so that I can remain "single" just as my boyfriend was at the time of my death? Should I die young just as he did in order to ensure that we recognize each other & are on the same page in the afterlife? I may sound like a nut for such questions (I'm actually beginning to accept the nut I have become now), and I know it is impossible to know everything bcuz we are not God himself, but I cannot begin to explain how DESPERATELY i need to be back with my loving partner for the rest of eternity & these are questions for which I need clarity in order to decide how long & in what ways I will continue living my life out...
  13. Just six days ago, my fiance came to bed and within a few minutes had a heart attack,. I called 911 and they instructed me to pull him to the floor and do chest compressions. He was not breathing and the compressions seemed to have no effect. Finally EMS came and worked on him for some time with no luck. FInally after he was in the ambulance they got his heart beating and he was breathing on his own. At the emergency room the doctor told me he was stable and was movign him to a better hospital with a cardiac program. AFter hours in the cath lab the doctor told me the did restore some of the blood flow but my fiance would most likely have brain damage. About a half hour later the nurse took me to see him in the ICU and basically told me nothing else could be done they needed to contact his parents.They had to keep him on life support for hours until his sister could arrive. he coded 5 times until they were no longer able to revive him. I want to see if anyone else out there has eperience this with a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance or spouse. Family members too but I think its a little different when its your partner. I really need to talkto someone who had the heartattack happen while you were with your loved one.
  14. I wrote an article for my college writing platform about my mother's death and not being able to say my last goodbyes to her. I also interviewed a variety of people who have lost their loved ones from different reason. It's all very touching and personal. Please read, share and comment. https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254
  15. My father was an incredibly successful, kind and loving parent. In 2011 he passed away from pancreatic cancer. We only discovered his illness 6 months before he passed, before which he was a very happy, involved and energetic parent. I lost him when I was 21 and I am now 24. For the past three years I have been trying to cope with the death of my father, who was always a great source of comfort and encouragement to me. After his death me and my mother have started living together, since I very much want to be with her and include her in my life. I have never fully been able to realise my loss because of the support I have been required to give my mother. He was everything to her and she was everything to him. I am still not fully able to realise the fact that we will never truly be one big happy family again. I am not able to recognise my loss because I often see my mother defeated and lost without my father. Some days are extremely normal while otherwise I am required to be beyond my years and almost like a parent to her because she is fraught with depression and loneliness. I feel incredibly guilty because I am not naturally able to fill the void my father left. Since I am still quite young, I am sometimes out late at night and away from home. This leaves her especially vulnerable and sad. She often reminds me of how alone she is during these situations, during which I end up feeling very helpless and upset, since I am myself so inept in these situations. Somewhere, I require her to be supportive of me and my loss as well. She is very insecure about the fact that she is now alone and that I will eventually have my own family. I have no intentions of abandoning her and I am very much seeing a future full of happy times with my mother. However, sometimes I feel emotionally blackmailed and forced into sacrificing my decisions to be with her. I am unable to express my sadness at the loss of my father because I need to be strong for her. But when i go out and spend my weekends out doors, she will call me crying, demanding me to come home. While I often cave and cancel my plans, sometimes, this becomes difficult as I am myself escaping my depressing thoughts and venting my frustrations. I want to be supportive of her and show her that I truly care about her and our life together, but this is proving to be more and more difficult as she demands and orders me to come home every time I step out with friends, or choose to spend a day outdoors. She is resentful that I want to spend time with friends, and she feels as though she must always have me home to acknowledge the fact that she is alone and that we are alone. While the death of my father has changed our lives forever, I want my own grief to be recognised and acknowledged. My own ways of moving on might be different from my mother's but this does not mean that I do not have valid reasons for doing what I do. How do I help her recognise my grief? How can I involve her in my decisions without feeling as though I am being blackmailed into spending time with her? How do I stop feeling guilty for the fact that I will never be able to fill the void that the loss of my father has left? I have stopped feeling self-confident and self-assured because I always feel guilty for everything I do. I feel under-qualified and overwhelmed by this. Any advice is appreciated.
  16. I am Lost without him...

    Hi, I have no idea what i am doing here..i have chosen this path to find solace and i am not sure if i , agree with it..i am surrounded by friends and family who are yearning to be of some comfort for me..but sadly for them, they are all failing to do the same...cos i don't let them in.. i lost my husband who i fell in love with when i was 21..we are from two different religions and two different states...if you dont know ow things work in INdia..then you should know that it is a big deal..he is a Tamilian Brahmin(hindu-Chennai)..and i am a Keralite Christian..our languages are different..our culture is different..our food preferences are different...everything you can think about is different,,,yet we fell in love...and we had to wait five years for my family to agree to the marriage..and with the blessing from both sets of parents we got married in 2009...even before i fell in love with him i knew that he was joining the armed forces....though i had no one in my family from defence..it dint make any difference to me..i loved him and still do,,,thats all that matters On 25th April 2014..my husband died..he was shot by a militant during an operation that he was heading..though he himself had shot two down..including the one who shot him...he died of traumatic injuries in Kashmir almost immediately..10 Min..i cant imagine the ten minutes of pain and suffering he went through....and his last words were that he had a 3 year old daughter...and he needed to be there for her..the world says he was a brave soldier,,,there were tributes pouring in from everywhere..i had hundred of friend requests from people everywhere...they thought i was brave..cos i dint spill a single drop of tear in public... But i wasn't...i am not...but i needed to put that mask on ..for my daughter who is three and two young to understand..for my parents who are 70 and 65 years old..for his parents who are 63 and 65...for the army..for the nation..i needed to act strong..I dint want anyone to feel disillusioned ...i dint want anyone to blame my lord..to hate life..to lose faith in the valiant and loyal army which fights for my beautiful country...so i acted strong... Its been 51 days.i can feel the walls i have built around me break down...i can feel the desolation in the depths of my heart..i can feel the emptiness inside me and beside me...we loved each other so deeply..with our flaws and all....now i am lost..i needed to vent to a community that wasnt my immediate circle...cos i was more worried about everyone around me..but i am not that strong..i cant take it any more....every morning ever night before my bundle of joy wakes up and after she goes to sleep..i break down...intensely with no shame...it helps.... I am a closed kinda person so it is very difficult for me to open up..even here..but i made the decision cos i might as well do it here ... I am not strong..i am weak..as weak as i can get...but i know god has his reasons...but that still doesn't take the pain away...i loved him for ten years and i will continue loving him...always...he is my soul...we barely got to stay together for one and a half years in these ten years..i lived my life waiting for his leave...and now i live waiting for him to appear in my dreams...and i will continue living for arshi..my daughter...and when she is settled..maybe then god will call me and let me be with him for an eternity...after all that is all i wanted..him beside me for an eternity... Sorry if i sounded too emotional..i had to vent..i just had to..
  17. When Lily died I missed her with all my heart and soul; but I wasn't lonely. I still had my husband. Our conversations filled in some of the gaps in my life that being without Lily left behind. Recently, however, I have been without my husband. I still have Summer and Riley to play with during the day but in the evenings I am struck with a new and unnervingly overwhelming feeling of loneliness. After losing Lily and the trauma of watching her go through chemotherapy and having my own traumatic miscarriage during that time, I have recently wondered why I would need to endure more heartache? Surely I had had my fill of grief and the sun was just going to shine on me for the rest of my days. The other night, amidst my tears and anguish and panic, I realised that it was perhaps just another layer of grief that I am meant to come to understand. How can I truly help others if I don't understand the fullness of what they are experiencing? Loneliness is quiet and still. But do you know what else is in the quietness and stillness? Lily. My lovely Lily. So I decided that this loneliness I feel is to be replaced with "Lily time". Now, I sit and contemplate Lily. I talk to her and I wait for her essence to arrive. Then I listen to what she has to say to me. Now I'm not lonely anymore. Lots of love
  18. What to do First

    This is what helped me when my husband passed away unexpectedly at the age of 45. http://thegoodnewsis.com/Articles/where-i-began
  19. Can't accept it

    Can't say died, death, deceased or any other word because I can't believe it's true. I get furious seeing those words in the mail. There are so many people to thank for condolences but i still cant do it or even open new cards coming in. It's only 3 weeks and I know denial is a stage but I don't think I'll ever to be able to accept the "passing" of my husband. I'm still pretending he's here at home. Since he was disabled, I took care of him and just turned on his TV so he could watch the US Open since we were avid golfers before he got sick. How can I move on when I refuse to accept it?
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