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Found 13 results

  1. First time here

    Hello everyone, I lost my beautiful wife, Jess, six weeks ago at only age 39. She died unexpectedly and left my three young children and I without so much. We are hurting, but taking life a day at a time. Jess was everything to me. In the 15 years we were together, we literally only spent about 10-15 days apart. We lived for each other. We did not have any other outside friends. We did everything together, and now that she is gone, I feel like I have no one. Sure, there are people helping, and so many who are polite with their condolences, but I feel like I am in hell without her. I miss her so much. I found this forum and hope to discover I am not alone with this hell I am living. I try to be strong for the kids, but it hurts so deeply. Mick
  2. July 22nd 2016, 3 days before my 20th birthday, a day that shattered my world. I got woke up at about 9 from my best friend wanting to me to go to a chiropractor appointment with her. I told her maybe since I had just woke up but all I could think about was an intense horrifying dream about my dad overdosing. About an hour later I got another call from my sisters mom (we share the same dad not mom) saying something happened to my dad. But as soon as I saw her calling I had already knew what happened. She just kept saying something happened. I was asking where is he? In the hospital? What happened? She finally said your dad died. I asked her how? And I never expected what I was about to hear. Your grandpa shot him and killed him. I told her I had to get off the phone I would call her back. My whole body started shaking and I ran to my grandma and said my dad is dead. I had a dream my dad died and he really died. I knew I needed to call my work so I ran to my room and let them know I wasn't able to come in that my dad was murdered by his own father. I told them I didn't know when I would be back. After all of that I called my sisters mom and asked her some more questions and finally heard what happened. My grandfather shot my father multiple times in their home. My grandfather thought My dad was in drugs. My dad had his back turned because he saw the gun and was trying to run away. He made it all the way into the road where a woman ran out of her house to try to help him and call 911. The sad thing is the first 911 call came from my grandpa. Saying he shot his son and he thinks he's dead. When the ambulance got to where my dad was laying in the road he was still conscious but all effort to save his life had failed by the time they got to the hospital. He was pronounced dead at 8:08 in the morning. Leaving too many people with broken hearts and questions that can never be answered. And here I am 3 months later. In debit up to my ears from funeral costs and all of that, being the next of kin I had to be in charge. Waiting for crime reparations to help pay for a fathers funeral. Sad broken hopeless. No Father and absent Mother. Wondering how people start to cope and grieve with this kind of pain. My anxiety attacks have been non stop for days at a time. Stress is eating me alive. I don't know what to do. If anyone wants to share what helped them get through a loss I would greatly appreciate it.
  3. Hello, It has been a little over a year since my beloved dad passed away. I suffer from withdrawal and mild depression. Life is not the same, nor will it ever be, again. Though 48 yrs. old, I have no other family except for mom (whom I treasure). The friends that I thought I had, have dropped writing or seeing me. This has been the single most heartbreaking experience that I have gone through, over the past year. I don't expect anyone to truly understand the close bond that my parents and I had always shared. But it does help, somehow, knowing that I am not alone--and that not everyone will avoid me altogether, as soon as I mention my loss. Compared to a year ago, the total numbness that I had experienced in the beginning is gone. I am finally able to concentrate on a pastime or two--even if only for a few minutes. I guess that is a bit of progress, however small. At work, sad to say, people have not been supportive--but instead have taken advantage of my loss, in order to advance or embolden themselves...hard to believe, and extremely hurtful. Late last year, I reached out to someone here who was also going through a loss, and it seemed like I had made a difference in his life. I am so pleased about this. I encourage others here to reach out also, because you just never know. It is sad, though, once he or she appears to heal, you often don't hear from them anymore. Please write me, at: bradtenan@gmail.com . I really do need others to communicate with. I still feel very much alone. Maybe we can help each other--even if just by keeping in touch. God bless, and take care.
  4. There are days that the hurt is greater, almost debilitating, tonight is one of the nights. I want so badly to go into her room and pick ehr up and hold her, she isn't there. I know she's not. Today is a month since her funeral and I still can't wrap my head around her not being here. I know she's not coming home, but something in me is holding on to hope that somehow there will be a mix up...like she had an identical twin, some crazy science miracle, and I'm going to get a phone call any second saying she's not really gone. She was just a baby. I don't know what to do without her. I have made it through a whopping 12 hours of work in the last two weeks because I don't feel like the world should have to keep going, I don't want to be there it's too much "normal" all at once and I just wish time would stop and wait for her, or speed up and let me go, I don't know. It just hurts so bad. The deep, in your chest, have to physically hold onto yourself so you dont fall apart hurt. The kind that starts in your heart and creeps up your throat and out your eyes hurt. I just want it to stop. Does anyone know how to make it stop? :'( Last Thanksgiving me and my baby </3
  5. There are days that the hurt is greater, almost debilitating, tonight is one of the nights. I want so badly to go into her room and pick ehr up and hold her, she isn't there. I know she's not. Today is a month since her funeral and I still can't wrap my head around her not being here. I know she's not coming home, but something in me is holding on to hope that somehow there will be a mix up...like she had an identical twin, some crazy science miracle, and I'm going to get a phone call any second saying she's not really gone. She was just a baby. I don't know what to do without her. I have made it through a whopping 12 hours of work in the last two weeks because I don't feel like the world should have to keep going, I don't want to be there it's too much "normal" all at once and I just wish time would stop and wait for her, or speed up and let me go, I don't know. It just hurts so bad. The deep, in your chest, have to physically hold onto yourself so you dont fall apart hurt. The kind that starts in your heart and creeps up your throat and out your eyes hurt. I just want it to stop. Does anyone know how to make it stop? :'( Last Thanksgiving me and my baby </3
  6. My mom just died a week ago and we burried her Wednesday.I dont understand why nor am I sure how to cope. I'm 25 but am also a recovering alcoholic and I feel as if maybe that one drink will help take the edge off. My mom was my rock, she held me when I was sad and never left me alone when I needed her, she was truly the mom she didnt have to be. See my mom got me when I was 3 due to my bio being reckless and harming my brother and sister and I, my mom took me in and raised me until I was 13. I was adopted out but she was always my mom and when things didnt work out with my new family she told me I always had a home with her. Now she is gone and I'm alone and feel so lost. I really dont know who to talk to and just want to join my mom in the sky...
  7. I am doing research that relates to how others feel about there greatest loss.Additionally, I am interested in comparing how others react differently to death. So if anyone could answer these five questions i would really appreciate it. What was your greatest loss so far in your life? What exactly happened? Were there any unusual thoughts or feeling you had as a result from this loss? How were your sleep patterns affected by this loss? What words best describe exactly what you lost from your life?
  8. I just lost my daddy very unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He went in for what was supposed to be an easy, routine surgery and he didn't make it. The operation was supposed to only be for one leg because of his age and overall health. But the doctor changed his mind and decided to do both legs at the same time. They kept him under for 4 hours and then the ending gets cloudy. The doctors came and told us he didn't make it but coming up with why was where it got clouded. The best answer they could come up with was that he had a heart attack at the very end they "think." They "think" were the doctors direct words. And they proceeded to tell us that's what they think happen. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is my dad on the hospital bed. He looked like he was in so much pain. I can still remember the way his cold hand felt. If I don't get that vision I see him in his casket. I see our final goodbye... Having to leave him there. I just want this to be a bad dream and I want to wake up. I feel so angry... Angry at the hospital... Angry at the doctors for taking away my daddy. I don't know how to life without him. I still call his phone, expecting him to answer. I've never felt real pain until I lost my dad. I'm so lost without him. I can't figure out how to move on with my life no that he's not there. He was supposed to walk me down the isle, see his grandchildren from me... All of that was ripped away from me :'(
  9. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry at night... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it went on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help..because I am not strong.. I am weak... I feel like I will never be happy... I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  10. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it goes on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help.. I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  11. My mom was diagnosed with aggressive endometrial cancer in Oct 2012. In May 2013 it spread to her brain. She passed away July 2013, 9 months later. From the minute I found out until the minute she passed I took care of her. Treatment wasn't easy on her and I almost lost her twice due to complications from chemotherapy. I am an only child and all i had was my mom. My dad and i werent close but he was there for her until the end. he and i got to make amends on our differences and planned on fixing our relationship as it was just going to be e and him once my mom passed. I hoped we would get closer and mend our relationship while helping eachother grieve. 3 weeks after my mom died, my dad had a heart attack and passed away. the NYPD wouldn't break the door down when i was getting concerned he didnt answer the phone... I had to find my mom's key to his house and found him laying on the bathroom floor decomposing. I put on a good front in public but sometime the feelings of missing them is overwhelmimg and i start to cry. I feel this huge void inside like im lost. I have cousins, an uncle and grandmother (mom's mom) and friends but noone can replace her, o one compares to her, i want my mom back! I knew she was going to pass and can remember sitting in the hospital praying for her to pass in peace as i couldn;t see her in such pain any longer... it hurts so much more cause she was just such a great person!
  12. Okay, seven years ago (i was 11) i lost my nan to cancer. I was really close to her, and when i found out that she had died my whole world fell apart... and even now seven years on i still feel lost without her and still feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that hasn't healed yet. She was 66 when she died, and had had breast cancer a few years before that. I knew she was unwell but never thought that she would actually die. I spent almost every weekend round her house, and about a week before she died i stopped going to see her, because i thought if i didn't go to see her she'd get better because she wouldn't have to look after me. My nan saw my mum during that week and told her she thought i didn't love her. And so now after all those years i still feel really guilty for not going to see her and hate the fact that she died thinking i didn't love her, since she was everything to me. This article might be a bit hard to understand but i have a lot of things to say and just need to get them down and out. I can't talk to my mum about how i feel since my nan was her mum and she too was very close to her, so when we start to talk about her we just cry. Seven years is a long time and it annoys me sometimes that i burst into tears when people start to talk about cancer, since it reminds me of the heartache and loss. It's awful because i thought i'd feel better now, but i don't, time hasn't seemed to of healed me. I posted a photo of my nan so you can see what she looked like.
  13. I lost the love of my life October 21, 2012. I feel like im dying without him, to me there's not point to being here anymore without him. On the Sunday of him passing he crashed his motorcycle and hit a light pole/then pavement. It hurts me that I wasn't there for him, and I couldn't say goodbye or anything to help him out when he's always been there for me, always helped me out. I hate my life without him. Why would something so horrible happen to someone so wonderful. Things don't happen for a reason, what could this reasoning be? I couldn't even see him after the crash. No closure, no anything. Just memories are all I have and I don't even want them, I want him. I hate that we had to cremate him, to think of the love of you life, your fiance, your best friend/soul mate, long term boyfriend, everything MY LIFE...burning away, it literally kills me. How can I be so positive about any of this we were inseparable for 6 years of my life, always together at each other's hip. To me, I honestly don't feel like going on...everyday get's worse, I'm still in shock. Every day just gets more real and more painful to know that I'll never see him again, touch him, kiss him, hear him...anything.
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