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About Me

Found 8 results

  1. Hi everyone. I am now 32 years old, my mother passed away when I was 13 she was only 40. I listened to people say how that was a young age not knowing myself how young it really was. For the 20 years I have both unconsciously / consciously making decisions that are, well needless to say weren't very good one's. I wrote this when I was feeling extremely lost and alone. I hope it helps in some way. - Life she can be a cruel mistress, she takes just as easily as she gives. We live we die, but all that in between and all that we try that is the gift in disguise. The darkness is where we go. This is where we are safe, this is what we know, we find comfort in knowing the enemy, This is our solice, darkness is my friend, Where we are alone, no one to disturb our fears and insecurities. No one to tell us what is right from wrong. Our drug of choice is our confidant it numbs the pain it distorts our memories, it takes us to somewhere else, anywhere else. We carry things for so long that eventually forget what it is like to let go of ourselves and shine. We live in the pain because - that of course is what we deserve, we reject all that reminds us that there my be hope, a glimmer of light THAT, frightens us. That is not meant for us, we are alone, we wallow in guilt and shame, we mask our sadness with jester like humor making sure no one else will ever fell like this. All of the choices we make all of the steps that we take - another step closer to the end, after all isn't that the present? When does it stop? Does it get better? Why did I do this? Why me? Question after question. Here's one, why do I do this to myself? Is it what they would've wanted? Another. Does my suffering offer anything to those that we suffer for? Selfishness, is that what she would have wanted? I push and I shove just to feel alive to have some sort of meaning - we drift, we observe just to see how the rest of the world carries on, I analyse the world take it apart just to find why it keeps spinning, why it just won't stop. Take one step towards the light and ten steps back, I am afraid, I do not belong there no one will understand, they will all judge they will reject me. I do not need help, I am comfortable here with my self pity and guilt. I am alone in my prison that is my mind, only a "select few" may enter my world bringing their lights and their candles along with them as they enter. Not for too long though, too long and it is time for them to leave. Leave me in peace, they couldn't possibly handle what I have to offer, being in the dark would destroy them, they are not strong like me OR is it weak like me? The difference eludes me. It has been an eternity, it should be over now? Surely? I should be successful. I should have everything I need (who I need) I should be a fully functioning pillar of society. I should be this, act this way. No. I am lost. I know now I am not alone, I am not the only one to suffer, everyone is suffering in one way or another.. No now I am now inspired, those "select few" we chose to enter our domain. They have left a breadcrumb burning trail from their torches, They are waiting for me. I will escape my safe haven/prison. I will say it was for others but it will really be for me and that is okay. With my strength growing and my fears overcome. I will be a light for someone else, such as those who have helped me. . . I thank you whole heartedly. I will live through you. And she will live on through me" I asked a friend - "does it get ever go away?" His reply - " it never goes away my friend" Take solace in knowing you are not alone. We are survivors - let go [ just a little bit ] Move forward, the world does not stop, so keep up be a beacon for someone else.
  2. It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year. I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday. The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons. He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow.
  3. I am writing this so that I may pass on the torch of hope. When I lost my daughter three years ago I found my self in the dark. For sometime, there seemed to be no end to this darkness, yet as time passed I found myself on a journey of grief that included moments of light - moments that soon turned into days, weeks, months.....I will never ever forget her, and my journey has now lead me to do something quite unexpected: I started a scholarship fund in her name. For those who would like to feel even the slightest bit of hope that things do get better (never the same, but better) please go to gofundme.com/samira. May you all find strength and healing....
  4. Time has slowed, I think to give me extra life to make sure I can make you proud. I often feel responisble for your passing, as both of our lifes were so full of weakness and seemed to be straying off the right path, more me than you. I very much dislike ''regretting'' things, but I honeslty refuse to forgive myself for not spending more time with you when you needed me the most. How selfish and focused on my demons and weaknesess I have been the past year, I have noone to blame but myself. And as it seems it is too late to tell you this I have hope it will reach you and can fill the hole I have created. The weeks prior to your passing is when my life was getting as low as it could in my eyes, instead of turning to family and seeking love I turned to drugs and escape. I was lost in my own mind. I was a huge stress on you and should have visited you in the hospital more than I did. I guess I just always pictured having you with me. You were MY mom and I never thought you could be taken from me. Never say never I guess. So after your death instead of thinking of what you would want for me, I sunk even lower. Escaped further and further until I could not find my way home. I selfishley isolated myself and hidden emotions from the funeral, and honestly did not want to be there. I just wanted to bring you home and escape some more. I still don't handle it, and am asking God for the strength and closure I long for daily. I am very good at keeping a straight face and bottling everything up for only me to understand ( barley ). I need to feel you are at rest, and I need to earn forgivness for leaving you lone your last bit of time on this Earth when you were so sick and needed my love and company so badly. I was so blind and in denial, now I see and it is too late. I am devistated that I will never have my mom again, and I am not going to let that be the case for TJ, I know God took you for a reason, and that it was not ment to hurt me. I know you are in Gods kingdom and held in his arms. I love you mom. I miss you. I talk about you everyday and think about you even more. I always try to feel as you are surrounding me, and I am making good progress in my outlook on this beautiful thing I am blessed to call life. I was so close to being with you, and it just was not my time. I was saved and given a second chance by not only the Lord but two angles he felt I needed, and I thank him for them everyday aswell. My eyes, ears, heart and mind is open and I am accepting the good and bad, the things I can and cannot change. I am giving as much emotion to the people who deserve it most in my life as I can........ I promise to think & speak of you EVERY single day, and to keep up with my prayers and trying to do good with the short amazing time I have on this Earth ! Its not somthing you take, it is given. Thank you God for giving me the time I had with this AMAZING woman I was privlagged to call ''mom'', I have faith she is happy, young and keeping good company with you. Thank you so much.
  5. Last Sunday I started off the day in a low mood, not helped by my 21 month old thinking it was great fun to get me up at 4.45am! It was a grey winter’s day which mirrored the gloom I was feeling inside. In a chat with my lovely husband I was able to pinpoint my feelings. In a nutshell, I was unhappy with the uncertainty of my future. He told me that he was uncertain about his too and that in fact most people were, so not to worry about it! It reminded me of how I felt when Lily first died. The only thing that we had to look forward to was regular episodes of American Idol and all its drama dotted with breathtaking talent. This insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) television program was something we could look forward to in our immediate future as most of the time we simply could not visualise past the end of the day. The future was a vast black void in front of us without our darling “Lilygirl” as we fondly called her. Last Sunday I was reminded of those initial feelings of grief and I am very sorry for anyone who finds themselves in that place. So I decided to let go of what the future held and we packed up our toddlers, bundling them into the car and with rain pouring down we went on an outing. We headed for the local garden centre, a fifteen minute drive away. When we arrived, lo and behold, the sun started to shine on us again. In the entrance of the garden centre is a beautiful gift shop displaying faux antique goodies, flowery picture frames, pretty wall plaques, colourful pot plant holders and special rustic tins for storing keepsakes. As we headed further into the garden centre we were struck immediately by the powerful and beautiful scent of amber roses and purposeful people busied themselves around us looking for things to beautify their lives and give them the meaning they were seeking. There were goldfish and little bridges over ponds and with each step on these quaint wooded paths, I felt my mood lift and my creativity start to soar. Although I didn’t buy anything, I organised my Christmas shopping list four months ahead of time with all these lovely things that surrounded me. I didn’t need to go searching for my future, it was right there with me and I felt inspiration for my life ahead happen upon me effortlessly instead. I was in my “now” enjoying all the things I love and the future was limitless to me. We then decided to visit the pet shop next door. Puppies were playing, bunnies were hopping and tropical fish were swimming, delighting in their luminosity and agility. My mood was on the up and up and so we set off home. However, there was a detour that forced us to take a different route. We had to go the long way home and ended up stopping off at another seaside town to a beautiful playground where we stood pushing our two beauties on their swings looking out to the vast ocean right in front of us, children laughing and calling “higher!” When we finally got into the car to return home, I was a completely different person with a different outlook on life, on my future and on my present. I had done all my favourite things: I’d unwittingly surrounded myself with beauty, love, fun, playfulness, companionship, freshness and joy and I was feeling much, much better. Grief can make us feel very isolated and so often we would rather just keep to ourselves but sometimes getting out and doing things we used to love, even though they have lost some of that old meaning, can reset our thought processes. The truth is that you are the same person that you ever were under that black cloud we call grief. You have become older and wiser through the process but you are still “you” underneath. If you nurture your ongoing relationship with your loved one in spirit, which is so healing, you can also allow yourself to enjoy the simple things in your present that used to hold so much meaning. Just like Julie Andrews swoons in The Sound of Music, “When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad. I simply remember my favourite things and then I don’t feel so bad.” Lots of love to you. Erica xx "Soothe Your Soul from Grief" by best selling author Erica Farrimond is available for 99 cents. Enjoy. xx http://www.amazon.co...k/dp/B00GG630KE
  6. Two years ago I had an amazing experience which I have been delaying writing about as it is so "out there" that if it hadn't happened to me, I would struggle to believe it too! I was putting Summer to bed. I lay down next to her on my stomach and draped my arm around her, exhausted from life. She took a little while to nod off and while I was waiting I found myself getting more and more sleepy, more and more relaxed. I had had some kind of struggle of late, seems to be a pattern for me doesn't it!, and was taking a lovely little rest here with my precious girl. Then, alone in the room apart from my sleeping daughter, I felt something that I will never forget. I felt a large hand start stroking my hair, from the top of my head to mid way down my back to the length of my long hair. I knew this hand was far too big to be my little Lily's. It almost felt like a man's hand. I wasn't scared. I just lay there as still as could be. Did I just imagine that? I waited, then I felt it again - another stroke of my hair. I knew I didn't need to be scared because this being obviously wanted to soothe me. It kept happening over and over. I lay still, stunned and awed at what I was experiencing! It must be my grandmother I thought. A little while later I had a reading from the a spiritual teacher who I find very trustworthy. She told me that it had actually been my guardian angel that night soothing my soul and that we all have an angel who is designated to us from birth till death who is always with us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Our angels are continuously trying to reassure us and to pass on messages of comfort and guidance to us. The tricky part is breaking free of the conditioning that says we have to see something for it to be real. The tricky part is having faith. But once you do, you will open a door to beautiful insights and the reality that even if we are feeling lonely and all by ourselves, there is someone beautiful by our sides and we are never left alone. “SOOTHE YOUR SOUL FROM GRIEF” by Erica Farrimond is available today for the special price of 0.99c. Here is the link! Enjoy! xoxhttp://www.amazon.com/Soothe-your-soul-grief-inspiration-ebook/dp/B00GG630KE Remember that you do not need an ereader to read the ebook. You can just download it from amazon and read it directly from your computer or ipad. Lots of love and brightest blessings to you, Erica
  7. It was about three weeks since my little daughter Lily’s death and we were in Wanaka, visiting my brother and his partner, leaving my sister back in Auckland. One night while I was there, I woke up after having a dream of Lily. In the dream Lily simply said, “Tell Lou I’m sorry I wasn’t there”. So not thinking much of it, I was prompted to call my sister, Louise. I asked her how she was and she said she was fine, although she said she had been to a funeral the previous day. She had managed to get through the service with dry eyes until the end when someone got up and read the very same poem that she, my sister, had read for Lily at her funeral, three weeks earlier. At this point she lost it and could hold back the tears no longer. Lily had obviously been with her at this funeral, trying to let her know that she was still there with her. Lots of love, Erica The poem read: “Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other That we are still, call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval somewhere very near Just around the corner, All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland
  8. It was about three weeks since my little daughter Lily’s death and we were in Wanaka, visiting my brother and his partner, leaving my sister back in Auckland. One night while I was there, I woke up after having a dream of Lily. In the dream Lily simply said, “Tell Lou I’m sorry I wasn’t there”. So not thinking much of it, I was prompted to call my sister, Louise. I asked her how she was and she said she was fine, although she said she had been to a funeral the previous day. She had managed to get through the service with dry eyes until the end when someone got up and read the very same poem that she, my sister, had read for Lily at her funeral, three weeks earlier. At this point she lost it and could hold back the tears no longer. Lily had obviously been with her at this funeral, trying to let her know that she was still there with her. Lots of love, Erica The poem read: “Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other That we are still, call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval somewhere very near Just around the corner, All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland