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Found 11 results

  1. My brother died a little over 4 years ago. I was 30 years old and he was 31. We were best friends. He died unexpectedly one night when we went out drinking to celebrate me moving to live with him and getting a new job. He was a recovering addict (pain pills) and had been sober for at least 3 years. I was completely unaware he was wearing fentanyl patches when we went out drinking. It's a deadly combo in case anyone didn't know. MY DREAM: A few weeks after he died I had the most incredible dream that seemed SO much like real life. it was unlike any other dream I have EVER had. He showed up in my parents house and my parents and him were trying to convince me that he was in fact alive. I was screaming and saying that he was dead. It seemed like it took weeks in the dream to convince me that he was alive and well. Time seemed to be very different in this dream. He was extremely bright and shiny and had the most pure smile. It seemed as though he had found COMPLETE PEACE. He just kept smiling at me and hugging me. We seemed to talk for hours but I don't remember what was said. At one point I do remember asking him "Do you now realize that wearing fentanyl patches and drinking was a terrible idea and that fentanyl is 70% stronger than morphine?!" He peacefully smiled at me and just said "can we just talk about that sometime after we are finished?" I am still not sure what that meant, but I could tell that it wasn't of importance in the "big scheme" of things. At this point I knew we had to go somewhere. I thought we were going out somewhere to talk and hang out. We said goodbye to my parents. We walked out the garage door and walked into a HUGE party with bright lights and lots of people. They were all clapping and celebrating my brother. I kept going around to people at the "party" and telling them "hey, can you believe it?! My brother was dead and now he was alive!" They seemed to look at me as if I was a little child that didn't fully understand things and just smiled. We spent awhile at this party and then he led me out another door. This door went to an old spiral staircase. It was very dark. He walked down the staircase as I floated above. I could tell he was getting increasingly tired as he walked down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs was a little brown box with tubes. He plugged the tubes into himself (and I think he plugged the box into the wall) and he proceeded to lay down in fetal position. I was under the impression that he needed much rest and healing. I have thought of this dream SO many times over the years. Does anyone have an interpretation? Do you think he came to get me to assist him in crossing over?
  2. Support Group forming

    I'd like to invite you all to join us for our upcoming video support group on spousal grief. Campfire builds groups of 5-10 peers who share the same challenge. Members form a bond over weekly video meetings and keep it strong using our group messaging app. We hope Campfire can be a way to build more deep and lasting support networks for tough times, and complement communities like this!
  3. Grief Counseling

    I watched my parents go through the loss of my older brother, Michael. He chose a life of serious drug use and was in an out of prison before he finally died in March of 2015. If you are a parent and having a hard time coping with the loss of your child, I can help. I know there is nothing that can take the pain away in your heart, but you can reclaim life again and find happiness. It may seem like a far stretch but with the higher power, all things are possible. You are supported in your journey. Sending you lots of love. XoXo, Julie
  4. When a loved one passes on, we typically find comfort in the arms of family and friends, in support groups, through grief counseling, and in our place of worship. But what happens when our broken heart needs something deeper and more profound than those kind words and a sympathetic ear? What if we yearn for a greater sense of certainty—that our loved one really is free of pain, and actually at peace in that better place? Evidential Mediums—blessed with the ability to form a connection with those who have passed on, offer a solution that many are now turning to. During a session with an Evidential Medium, departed loved ones are given a channel by which to come back—in spirit. Through the medium, they share evidence that validates their presence, and give examples of how they are still present in our lives. They share personal messages that would otherwise never be heard. Most Evidential Mediums consider this work a divine calling—a sacred gift—to be able to offer relief to those who have lost someone dear: a parent, spouse, friend or even a child. The following transcript comes from an actual mediumship session. The image of a young boy appears out of the darkness behind my closed eyes; faint and delicate—like the residue of a dream. I speak into the phone that is held close to my ear and describe what is unfolding before me. “I see a boy wearing a baseball cap, running barefoot across a large, grassy lawn. He is happy and energetic, and I sense his love of baseball. Do you recognize this boy?” “Yes,” the voice on the phone replies. “I know who you are talking about.” The scene changes abruptly. “There is a white farmhouse,” I say, “with a large, covered porch, and steps that go right down into the grass.” “Yes, that’s right,” the voice says. “That was his house.” “There is a woman running out of the house,” I continue, “down the steps and across the lawn. She is screaming out in horror, but I can’t hear her voice. I feel her panic in my body though; something bad has happened.” Why is she running? I ask myself—feeling deeper for the answer. I see the boy again. He is no longer running, but standing in the grass, looking back at me. His hands are at his throat—then he lowers them slowly to his chest. A realization hits me—hard. I struggle to breathe—overcome by a feeling of sadness. “This boy died,” I say. There is a pause on the line, then, “Yes.” “He was young, only eight years old,” I say. “There was an accident.” “Yes, that’s correct.” I feel the emotions coming through the phone, but the grief is faded and distant—not what I expect. An inner knowing feeds me the answer. “But he didn’t die recently,” I say. “It has been a while.” “Yes,” the voice confirms. “A while.” I don’t ask for more. I know that it is my job to provide him with the evidence, not the other way around. I focus again on the boy, and ask him how he died. He doesn’t show me, exactly, but his hands return to his throat. I feel pressure in my own throat and down into my chest. I hear “water,” and then I know. “He drowned,” I say. “Yes.” “The woman running from the house—that was his mother,” I add. “She was trying to save him, but it was too late, right?” “Yes.” The confirmations coming through the phone make it clear that the evidence I’m receiving is valid. I am connecting with a young boy who loved baseball, and who had drowned accidentally at the age of eight. And his passing was not recent. But my session with the man on the phone is not complete. I have solid evidence, but I know that this boy is not appearing before me only to provide proof of his presence, or to rehash the final, tragic moments of his young life. No, he has come forth to share a message to his family, and that is where my focus goes. Now, instead of “looking,” I begin to ask—and “listen.” In my mind, I ask him to share a message, and I feel his energy lighten. He is no longer the boy that had drowned, but a light, energetic spirit that is now free of his physical body. He tells me that he loved his short life. He regrets that it was not longer, and that his passing has caused his mother and his family so much grief. He is very happy where he is now, and there was no pain in his passing. I share this word-for-word with the person on the phone, who listens quietly. I have no idea what he is thinking, but I sense that we are in the midst of very special connection. The boy then says something that catches me off-guard. Even though I have learned over the years to not edit or hold back the messages I receive, this one seems insensitive to me, and I feel uncomfortable sharing it. I want to believe that I just interpreted it wrong. But that is not possible—I heard it, clear as day. His message was: “Tell everyone that I know how to swim now.” I take a nervous breath, share the message—and wait. I learn that the man on the phone is the boy’s uncle. After a brief pause to gather his thoughts, he again validates the evidence I have given him, including those final words. He tells me that was exactly the way his nephew was; he was always joking and playing around, and nothing could cause him to lose his infectious sense of humor. He was eight years old when he drowned many years before. His mother saw him in the pool that day and rushed out to save him, but she was too late. My “sitter” then tells me how grateful he is to receive such convincing evidence, things that I could not possibly have known, and how he now believes that his nephew is not only around, but still his same playful, joking self. As a complement to traditional grief support, experienced Evidential Mediums offer a service that is truly unique. The evidence and messages that come through make a mediumship session a wonderful place to find peace, healing, closure, and in some cases, long overdue forgiveness. A few weeks after the session above, I received an email from the young boy’s uncle. He told me that the previous weekend was the 20th anniversary of his nephew’s death, and the family had gathered in his memory. He shared with the family the details of our session. He told me how grateful they were to me for bringing Charlie through, and sharing his messages. The evidence had brought them greater peace, knowing that Charlie is still the same happy, fun-loving personality they all so fondly remember. Roger rogerhardnock.com
  5. I have a lot of favorite memories of my mom, whom I lost just over a year ago on October 4th. As mom and I have been together for some 52 years, I have a long list of memories...and just thought I would start off by mentioning a few. Sometimes when I get books from Amazon, I think back to a long time ago when I was a tot. Mom was already ordering books for me, most of which were from Dr. Seuss, and I always used to enjoy opening up the boxes and flipping through the pictures. (Even at 52, with multiple degrees, I still like to flip through a book for pictures, LOL: I just did this with a book on the economics of war!) It was even better when Mom read them aloud to me. I remember all of those wonderful visits to downtown Bronx--going to the local department store, which then was Alexander's: even if I got bored looking at Mom's clothes and shoes. We'd either have lunch at Woolworth's or later on, when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, the local pizzeria. The latter was a real treat on half-days, particularly Fridays; it was such a delight having mom pick me up at school at noon before walking over to have pizza or Kentucky Fried Chicken enroute to the library, where I'd find new books, before heading downtown. Sometimes, we'd head to the zoo (yes, the famous Bronx Zoo!) or the botanic garden. How I remember the elephant rides and what passed for a petting zoo. But there was nothing like the thrill of heading down to Manhattan on the subway, especially on bright, sunny days...what fun it was to go to the Guggenheim and natural history museums....and yes, more shopping. How I remember the Macy's (still there) and Chock Full of Nuts. I think what made all of these outings so special was being able to bond with mom. I'll always remember the times when she held me as I got too tired; this is when I was about 3-4. And when I was older, it meant mom would talk with me there and back. (She was usually too busy when we were at home.) Need to get back to work....but I hope others join in with their favorite memories. It doesn't have to be a childhood memory; it can be as recent as the week before she/he passed.
  6. I have shared this blog a few times before. It is raw and real. Although I will never pretend to understand anyone elses grief or claim to be able to help or guide people I have been told that this has aided many peoples grief and loneliness even in the smallest parts. I therefore want to reach out and continue this. Go to : https://believement.wordpress.com/ all my love xxxxxxxxx
  7. I cannot believe its already the 13th of December. In a little over a month, it will be three years since my mom passed away. I STILL cannot believe it. I mean I can, but it brings me so much sadness and grief when I think about her. It is almost as though I have to find the hidden corners of my memory to remember her in health, where as in reality all my life that I spent with her, was when she was healthy. Why does this happen? I am not sure. But recovery is not something that happens over a year, ha! its close to almost 3 and I still am not even halfway. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer in 2012. The world did not end, but for me, a huge part of what I knew and understood about the world and life did end. The source of love, not just any love, but UNCONDITIONAL love was gone. To think that I will never see her again hurts me so much. I cannot fathom that concept. I am not sure how i go about life everyday and how I have done that since the last three years. All I know is, my mom would not want me to feel this way, but it really so damn hard to be happy when she is not around. My mother, sister and I have been through so much in life. The loss of my father, very suddenly, in 2001 being one of them. I was 14. very young, understood death enough to know that he would not come back, but definitely was not mature enough to process it well. I was so young and so was my sister, ( oh my god, i still remember the horror of hearing about death of my father, some parts of it very vivid ( almost as though i had an outer body experience of watching myself cry with eyelids swollen to extreme, waking up at night) and others very blurry ( apparently I tried to jump off my terrace ( or so I have been told by a family friend who I met couple of months after mom had passed) but all I remember is a bunch of women surrounding me telling me " what is wrong with you? think about your mother". ) As I am writing this, I can feel a huge lump in my throat and im crying profusely. I was not able to think- to be honest- i do not even know how i managed it all. But now after having lost my mother, and married to my wonderful amazing husband, I cannot fathom how she managed it. "those women" surrounding me were right- THINK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. I will just have to forgive myself because I was really young, and distraught and I eat all my sadness, to the point that its manifested in many ways- PCOS, im sure if I see a shrink they will diagnose me with depression ( i refuse to give into any labels that defines me sick because I see it as a process of healing, and it takes time) I most definitely have PTSD ( I am still trying to cope with it- I will talk about what I am finally doing to take care of myself- later) and it has affected my emotional wellbeing, and even my skin now. ( i am breaking out in rashes/ eczema/ psoriasis like) that the doctors just cannot figure out what its about after draining a gallon of blood and numerous allergy tests). I lost both my parents when they were away from me. I did not get a chance to see them. the horror and pain that brings me is out of control. There are days when I can cope with it, and other days I am spiraling in sadness and as soon as i hit the very bottom- somehow I can rise up. I feel so guilty about some of things i said to my mother when she was sick, pushing her to eat when she didnt want to, being frustrated because I couldnt help her. and acting out because of it. It is so absolutely hard to think about those times and not see how I could have been a better person, more understanding, more loving, more supportive but now that it is all gone, I do not know how to forgive myself anymore. I know for a fact that my mom wouldn't want me to feel this way but then, I cannot hear her say it so how do i know for sure? I just celebrated by 27th birthday last month and i was so sad because ma would call me to say happy birthday. Its been 3 birthdays and she hasnt, and she won't. its funny to also think how selfishly we celebrate our birthday as though it is something that only belongs to us! shouldnt it actually be my mothers day? she birthed me. when my friend talked about how birthdays can be so selfish, i realised how for most of my life, it was about me, but now it is all about her. Ma, i miss you so much. She wanted to see me graduate from school and next week I am graduating but shes not going to be there. I got married two months ago, and I took my mom and my dad's photo to the city clerks office because i couldnt believe that they wouldnt be there. and upon asking my husband to take a picture of me, my sister who was present, with our parent's photo- both of us starting crying. It is still so hard. I do not even talk about it with my friends or people I know. I can only talk about death with people that have a real understanding of it. Or it feels like I am talking to a wall. who looks back at me, but does not see me. or how I feel. Some people say that a sudden death is worse than an anticipated death. hahaha! what a strange thing to say. I have been on both side and neither of them is easy. at all. neither! infact waiting for my mom to (not) die was one of the hardest things i have been through in my life. I can actually say this with certainty as of now- the hardest thing that i have been through. But that opened up the concept of what losing your spouse or your child would mean. I want to take this chance ( if anyone will ever read this) to say that if you have lost your child, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. i cannot imagine how hard that must be. To me that is the greatest pain a person can go through. Losing your spouse/lover is probably the other hardest. Now I am talking like everyone who tries to create a hierarchy for loss. I do not mean to. I will keep writing, I guess, but I really just want to help everyone that is dealing with loss too- i feel like if i can be of any help or insight to anyone- it will help me out in the process. I hope that everyone who is going through loss has faith and patience. Only time and you yourself can heal it. And you ought to love yourself enough to heal yourself. Life is too short and its not a cliche. It is the truth. Couple of things I have been doing lately to heal myself ( mostly because now that my skin is physically reminding me of my inner state) is - Pranayama ( breathing exercise) 30 mins a day. I split it into two or three parts so its easier to do so. I do anulom bilom/ bhrastika/ shitali/ and kapalbhati - I am drinking a lot of juices/ fruits and vegetables and taking herbs ( tulsi/ and different ayurvedic herbs for liver and blood cleanse, like tumeric/ ginger and garlic) ayurvedic herbs are really good as supplement to get rid of toxins in your body. Stress and energy blockages can create toxins too, so this should be taken if you know adequate information about it, and also if you are not allergic. I have begun doing this since three weeks- i will keep posting more when i learn more. - I am doing 20 minute workout just to keep myself physically fit. - drinking green tea/ tulsi tea. Herbal tea and cut out coffee/ alcohol and taking a break from smoking. - meditating. For those who have the means to travel- i suggest go to asia/ nepal or india or around that region.Or travel the world. meeting people from all walks of life teaches one a lot! I am from Nepal. We deal with death very differently back home- its all in the open. nothing is hidden and death is not a taboo. much love.

    A lovely new friend of mine called Deborah recently commented that she was extremely afraid that as time goes on she will forget or not be able to remember the sound of the voice of her son in spirit. She said she cries just thinking about it. I completely understand this and have felt the same way. But I have learnt that this kind of thinking is just a worry that is caused by a feeling of disconnection. It is a fear and only a fear. Nothing is ever lost. All our memories are imprinted in our souls, eternally. I remember standing in my kitchen not long after Lily had died and I too had been worrying about losing memories of her. Then out of the blue, I felt her with me. I stood there holding on to both the tea towel and to the feeling that surrounded me. It was my daughter. And in that moment I realised that if you stay present and open, easier said than done – but possible, then you don’t need to “remember” them. They will just “be” there with you. All at once who they are, their essence, their beingness will surround you and everything will come flooding back. I do not believe that we need to hold on tight to the memories of our loved ones; I believe we need to take the time to breathe, to relax, to sit and wait for them to come along and sit beside us. I believe we can wait in that stillness until we feel a familiar presence with us. We can “zone out” with them, tuning into them like we would a radio station that we wanted to listen to, delicately turning our attention to the frequency of them or if that is too hard, tuning into the frequency of our love for them. Sitting and contemplating how much we love them actually connects us with them. Sitting there basking in that love we receive inspired messages from them. Sitting there basking in that love we receive inspired memories of our togetherness that they particularly want to enjoy with us. And they will sit with us until we remember. Lots of love. xx
  9. I am starting this post not only for myself but for anyone who would like to wish their loved one a Happy Heaven Day ! I have posted in other threads about the pain and loss and it helps but I also wanted to have a special place to start a more positive process of healing. My Dearest KiKI , Today June 6th is the 4 month anniversary of your unexpected departure to your new destination , Happy Heaven Day my lil fur baby girl , I miss you and think about you all the time. Every tear I push through I know that one day I will make that same journey where your soft little purr and my big smile will meet again.
  10. As Time Goes By.....

    Sorry, didn't realize it posted twice
  11. As Time Goes By.....

    For those of you who have been around for awhile, I apologize for the repeat information I am about to share, but for those of you who do not know about this, I will share some of my story. In August of this yaer, I came home to dinner one night after work. MY wonderful husband, dennis, who stayed at home due to health problems, had made a wonderful spaghetti dinner for the two of us, and we sat down to the mel, and we talked and laughed, while we watched a little bit of the news on tv, before his Friday night wrestling show came on. during the meal he rubbed at the centerof his chest a few times..and I asked if he was ok..and he told me he was fine..just indigestion from sampling the sauce. We continued with the meal, and he got up to leave the room to go get something... something. As he was returning, I heard him make a choking sound, and what sounded like my name..and turned to see him starting to fall....his heart failed..and I couldn't revive him with CPR, but later his heart was restarted artificially...and 42 hours later..I lost him. He was my life, everything I ever wanted. He was my best friend, and the most beautiful and loving man I ever knew. Romantic, and sweet, funny and intelligent- gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile to steal your heart away. And a musician to top it off..he could play anything on a guitar, and he could sing....and I loved him so much! For awhile, I could not really remember all of that night, time was distorted, the memories were confused..and I was a total mess..could not sleep, could not eat, could not think, could not stop crying. I am in counseling. I tried a couple different meds, because I have been suffering panic attacks again..a problem I have had a couple times in my life, but never this terribly severe. I am no longer on any anti-depressants..they were actually having a reverse effect for the time I was taking them..and I am afraid to try any others, to ell the truth. I have a PRN med for the panic..but it has lessened in severity..and I can usually control it now with technique, instead of pill. I am trying to focus on the memories of the good in our life together as much as I can. Happy memories, things he did to make me smile, sweet days we spent..things that soothe my troubled heart. As I grow calmer, more things are coming clear..and I am abler to deal with the other memories that surface in a different way.. Yes, I still hurt, still cry, still miss him being here, all the time. But I am not shattered and destroyed by every thought of him. I can sleep better now, and my focus is starting to improve, and I am starting to hope I might be able to survive this loss, and build another life over the one I lost that day. No I don't always feel that way..and sometimes.. the pain overwhelms me again...and it probably always will, from time to time. A memory will cross my mind..or a song will play..and the sense of loss hits me with a new wave of grief, for all the days we won't see together. But I can see him now, in my mind. I can see him as he was, and I can still feel the love. I remembered, that as he got up to leave the table, and walk by my chair, to leave the room that night... I reached out and put my arm around his waist and hugged him to me for a bit, something I did often, an affectionate thing, so common between us. I laid my head against him, and he stroked my hair, and kissed me on the top of my head, and laughed as he left the room....I can feel that..and I am so comforted by the memory of that one moment.....a moment just before the light went out of my world. But just that one memory will warm my heart and bring me some peace for all my days. It wasn't really an extraordinary thing. Just an everyday second in time..but so very important, in light of what came after. Small maybe to anyone but me..but a start to healing, I think. Find a moment in time, that brings you joy to think of, and let your heart feel the love in that moment. Focus only on that, and see if it helps you. See if it helps to calm and see if it can give you just a few seconds of peace to regroup. I hope this works for some of you, who are out here, who are hurting, like I do, who feel like you'd give anything for just one minute of peace. That's what I found..a moment of peace. May you find yours, too. Wishing you all the best- Silver