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Hi, My life cut short is as follows. I am 26 years of age and my Nanna was my world. She raised me from being little but unfortunately in 2011 she went from the person allowing everyone to lean on her to a person that needed someone to lean on. She suffered 2 strokes and had to be placed in a care home as I could not meet her needs at home whilst working and going to university. I was still a very active part of her life visiting her regularly, taking her to every hospital appointment, taking her on days out, paying her personal expenses ect. She would usually get seriously ill around winter time with conditions such as pneumonia and I would cry all day and cry myself to sleep every night for weeks if she was hospitalised, i'd take time off work to just sit with her in the hospital from morning until night even if she wouldn't be awake, I just did not want to be without her and feared her leaving me forever. On 2/4/17 my life changed forever. I received the phone call that I will never be able to erase from my mind, my Nanna had sadly passed away in her sleep in the early hours of the morning. I couldn't breath travelling to the care home assuring myself that someone had made a mistake and it was not my Nan who had been perfectly fine since Dec 16 but I opened her door and there she was in bed, perfectly still, eyes and mouth wide open. Unfortunately thats just where the torture for me begins. I had to wait with my Nanna for 6 hours whilst the out of hours doctors can out to see her and certify her as deceased, then a further 2 hours for the police to come and take statements as her death is classed as sudden/suspicious and then an added 1.5 hours for the coroner to come and take her away. I could not leave her on her own in this time, all i could do was get in bed with her and cry whilst over time i watched the signs of her death show in her physical state. I was a complete mess for the first two days as you can expect but I am deeply upset now as I found from day 3 onwards that I can carry out every day tasks such as cleaning, cooking, watching a little tv, i have even had a genuine laugh and smile. I have cried very little since the first two days and I simply do not understand why. Why am I not crying for my best friend and person I loved most in the world? I cried alot more for her when she was alive! I started funeral arrangements the very next day trying to keep distracted as much as possible, I can not stay in the house all day because then I begin to think of her and then I get upset so i quickly put my mind else where or go out for walks. I am looking for peace anywhere I can and have found myself going to church looking for comfort and signs that she is ok or waiting for the moment where so many people claim their loved one comes back to them at the end of the bed or in a dream but I am receiving little comfort from either at the moment. She is having to have a post mortem done and thoughts like " that will mean that she really is dead" come into my head or when I was discussing embalming with the director i thought "they can't take all her blood". Have I actually acknowledged to myself that she's dead? I feel the loss of her but only when I allow myself to think about it which is not often. My main question is 'Why am I not crying for her?" I am a very emotional person and will often cry but why not now. Has anyone ever had a grieving experience like mine? Thanks
My father was an incredibly successful, kind and loving parent. In 2011 he passed away from pancreatic cancer. We only discovered his illness 6 months before he passed, before which he was a very happy, involved and energetic parent. I lost him when I was 21 and I am now 24. For the past three years I have been trying to cope with the death of my father, who was always a great source of comfort and encouragement to me. After his death me and my mother have started living together, since I very much want to be with her and include her in my life. I have never fully been able to realise my loss because of the support I have been required to give my mother. He was everything to her and she was everything to him. I am still not fully able to realise the fact that we will never truly be one big happy family again. I am not able to recognise my loss because I often see my mother defeated and lost without my father. Some days are extremely normal while otherwise I am required to be beyond my years and almost like a parent to her because she is fraught with depression and loneliness. I feel incredibly guilty because I am not naturally able to fill the void my father left. Since I am still quite young, I am sometimes out late at night and away from home. This leaves her especially vulnerable and sad. She often reminds me of how alone she is during these situations, during which I end up feeling very helpless and upset, since I am myself so inept in these situations. Somewhere, I require her to be supportive of me and my loss as well. She is very insecure about the fact that she is now alone and that I will eventually have my own family. I have no intentions of abandoning her and I am very much seeing a future full of happy times with my mother. However, sometimes I feel emotionally blackmailed and forced into sacrificing my decisions to be with her. I am unable to express my sadness at the loss of my father because I need to be strong for her. But when i go out and spend my weekends out doors, she will call me crying, demanding me to come home. While I often cave and cancel my plans, sometimes, this becomes difficult as I am myself escaping my depressing thoughts and venting my frustrations. I want to be supportive of her and show her that I truly care about her and our life together, but this is proving to be more and more difficult as she demands and orders me to come home every time I step out with friends, or choose to spend a day outdoors. She is resentful that I want to spend time with friends, and she feels as though she must always have me home to acknowledge the fact that she is alone and that we are alone. While the death of my father has changed our lives forever, I want my own grief to be recognised and acknowledged. My own ways of moving on might be different from my mother's but this does not mean that I do not have valid reasons for doing what I do. How do I help her recognise my grief? How can I involve her in my decisions without feeling as though I am being blackmailed into spending time with her? How do I stop feeling guilty for the fact that I will never be able to fill the void that the loss of my father has left? I have stopped feeling self-confident and self-assured because I always feel guilty for everything I do. I feel under-qualified and overwhelmed by this. Any advice is appreciated.
My younger sister died a little under 3 months ago in a tragic accident. She was 20 and it was a month after my 22nd birthday. We were like most siblings, close but drove each other crazy. We are very different people and so didn't get along as children (often bickered but still played together) but as adults, were just coming into a new relationship where we would spend time with each other and have coffee dates and set aside time to enjoy each other's company. She was also engaged to be married in a year and I was her maid of honour. I'm really struggling with a lot guilt right now. Some survivor guilt but mostly guilt over our relationship. Days before she died, she and I got into a fight over the dumbest thing. The fight was entirely my fault and I apologized the next day and she forgave me and we moved forward, but it is hard for me to deal with the memory of that fight. I know all was forgiven and we were chatting lots and planning our next movie date in the days leading up to her passing but I still have residual feelings of guilt. I'm having a hard time convincing myself that she knew how much I love her and how much she has always meant to me, particularly since most of the arguments/disagreements we had over the last while were due mostly to my poor reactions to things and stressors I was undergoing. I keep trying to remind myself that our relationship was complex and both the fights and the love are what made it wonderful, but it is hard when you think you didn't deserve the amazing sister you had. I just wish I had taken the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me before her passing - I was saving it for the speech at her wedding... Anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with or address this type of guilt?