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Found 142 results

  1. Hi everyone, so when I was 8 years old I lost my Dad suddenly due to an illness. At the time I soon returned to school and normality and actually in a way as a child, I just blocked it all out and almost allowed myself to forget it even happened. Sure I would get upset from time to time but only privately. So I grew up through my teenage years with no male role model at all, still blocking it out. I'm now 20 and in recent times the loss of my Dad has suddenly really hit me hard. I find myself getting so desperately distressed and feel such despair because as a child he really was my inspiration and the light of my life. I struggled without a male role model as I found it hard having such a lack of judgement of what a 'man' is and how to become one, but at the time I just shrugged it off. But I find myself really upset about everything I'll miss with him, when I graduate, when I get married someday, if I ever have children, etc. At family gatherings it's as though nobody acknowledges the fact that my Dad was once sat with us also having a great time and I just feel so lost and out of place. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me and that maybe we could talk about it or something? It's almost like a delayed grief because I bottled it up for so long. thank you for reading
  2. I found this forum using google... My name is Lindsey. I lost my Father, whom I was very close with on June 11th 2014, and now I have recently lost my Mother who I was caring for on February 19th of this year. To say that I feel lost is the very least. My anxiety, among my mental state are kind of all over the place. I have no siblings, I am not married and no children of my own, and only a few people I can turn to who are honest and constant in my life. My parents both had illnesses, and I was there to help them along their way. My Fathers loss was very sudden, as he didn't wake up one day due to drug abuse, hypertension and diabetes at 50yrs old. I tried to resuscitate him, thought he would make it to the hospital fine, but he passed. My Mother was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma and passed in a three week span after a go at chemotherapy through January & February. I, myself am thirty years old... I was very close with my parents, and now I just feel this over whelming dread that I am putzing around in my life with no real compass pointing me where to go because it was always us helping each other. My Father suffered from mental illness so I stepped up to the plate at being an adult at a pretty young age. I've always helped take care of them, and them me, along with taking care of other people in my life. I miss them so much and I feel it's something it's going to take me the rest of my life time to come to terms with, and I feel like this cycle of grief is damaging me, pushing away those who I have left in my life because they honestly don't understand what is going on with me, and I'm left here trying to keep myself together... but it's something I must go through. I'm terrified of what the next year brings, and what will happen in the future when Holidays roll around, and I have no family to share it with. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am now an adult orphan, and it's just not something I think I can fully grasp at this time, but am trying my hardest. I feel like after my Father passing, my grief was put on hold to continue taking care of my sick Mother, who at the time I only thought had a hereditary disease called Multiple Cavernous Angiomas ... Now it feels like I'm experiencing grief and so much more. I am seeing a doctor as of recent to try and get help, and suggests a support group for grief, but I feel if I go in public to speak I will just fall to pieces over it, and that is more anxiety I do not want to face head on right now. If anyone else is experiencing anything similar to this, I would like to know tips and techniques for helping to deal with it, please share them with me. Thank you for reading.
  3. Hello, I don’t really know how to begin, or what to say. I’ve never felt anything like this, in my life, and I am a sensitive and emotional person, in the first place. This pain is almost immeasurable, it feels surreal. Last Tuesday, my soul mate died, and I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I absolutely hate myself, the guilt is killing me, and I just wish that I could be with her, again, and spend eternity with her, because the thought of death with her is so much better than the thought of living without her. Cleo was 19 when she died. She lived a long life, filled with love. She was the most beautiful, loving, and sensitive cat, I have ever known. She was perfect, and unique, and all her quirks that irritated others, just made me love her all the more. She was basically a self-imposed house cat. Despite constant access to the outdoors, she preferred to go out only with human company. Mostly mine. She was a family cat, but everyone knew that mine and Cleo’s love was like no other. I was her favourite, and she is mine, above all others. We had a bond and connection to each other, that I cannot even begin to think of describing with words, alone. It was just.. she was, and is, part of me. We understood each other. I didn’t look at her as a cat; she was Cleo. A beautiful, gorgeous, loving, radiant, hilarious, adorable, chubby, sensitive, warm spirit, that changed my life. I could never bring myself to fully contemplate what would happen when she died, but I never imagined that I wouldn’t be there for her. Last December, I moved to Denmark to be with my Danish boyfriend, since, fiancé. With Cleo’s advancing age in mind, her well-managed chronic kidney disease, and her nervous and sensitive disposition, particularly to change, it would have been cruel to ask her to endure any kind of relocation, let alone to Denmark. From apparent stress, she once lost all the fur on her bottom half, making it appear as though she’d forgotten to put on her trousers, which was equally the most adorable and upsetting thing to see. She was just so beautifully sensitive. I wasn’t going to put her through any kind of upset, if at all possible. She would be more comfortable, secure, and safe within the walls and garden of her lifelong home, with my parents to look after her. Every day, I carried a sense of guilt that I had left her behind. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. She was, and is, my one love, my light, my soul mate. There were nights where my fiancé had to rock me like a baby, as I sobbed desperately in his arms, over the distance I had created between Cleo and I. I just wanted to be with her, for her to be with me, for me to be with her. It broke my heart, every day. I would gaze lovingly at the framed photo I have of her, I would speak to her on FaceTime when contacting my parents, but it just wasn’t enough. I had seen her for three weeks in April, and for one week in the middle of August, and each time, it was increasingly impossible to leave her. Yet, leave I did. Last Tuesday, I received a FaceTime call from my Dad. It was odd that the call came through, considering my iPad was locked and set to 'do not disturb'. In some way, I feel like it was Cleo and our love that allowed the call to come through. Furthermore, the day before, I had heard a cat meow outside the doors to the flats. It wasn’t Cleo’s meow, but it was a meow. I looked outside, and there was nothing there. I wonder if, in some way, this, too, was a sign. The call was to carry the news I never wished or hoped to hear. The darkest day in my life had arrived. She was fading rapidly, she could no longer move the back half of her body, she could not and would not eat or drink, despite efforts to hydrate her using a syringe, she just could not do it. My heart broke irreparably in that very second. I am so grateful to my parents for including me as much as they physically could, for giving me the chance to say goodbye in the only way possible, given the circumstances. They warned me that she was to be taken to the vets, and that it was highly likely she would not come home, alive. I mustered up everything within me to whistle her favourite songs. She was always so responsive to whistling, and she was a Disney girl at heart. In the last couple of years, as her health changed, she took little interest in these songs. However, as I sat there, tears streaming, breath unsteady, I was able to give my rendition of 'Part of Your World'. She had been unresponsive for hours, and yet.. she was trying to lift up her head.. the twinkle of recognition palpable, despite her being near lifeless. My Dad couldn’t believe it. That moment means the absolute universe, to me. Next, I tried 'Colors of the Wind', but my sobs made it near impossible. It was the greatest joy to be able to give her that gift, and for her to know it was from me. I sent all my love to her, I spoke to her in loving, yet undeniably heartbroken, tones, I said everything I could think to say, all the verbal tokens of love that I had always said. But it just wasn’t enough. I asked my Dad to stroke her as I said them, to give her the kiss that I would have given, though I would not have been able to stop kissing her. I even tried to stroke the screen, as if she would feel my fingers on her skin. At one point, she was miraculously able to lift herself up to see the screen, and I have never seen anything like it, in my life. It absolutely shatters my whole existence. It is the most beautiful and heart wrenching thing, I have ever seen. That face.., she looked so different in that moment, I have never seen her look like that, before, those eyes... so large, so close to death, and so full of life and love. It’s too much. It’s too beautiful. Given the circumstances, and with eternal thanks to my parents, I did all that I could. But it wasn’t enough. I will never get to hear her, see her, smell her, hold her, kiss her, touch her, laugh with her, lie with her, whistle for her, feel her love and envelope her in mine, ever again.. . I couldn’t hold her paw, as my dad did for me, as she died, I couldn’t be there for the funeral. I will never be with her, again, not on earth, and it is breaking me. I am completely overcome with grief, and guilt. The guilt is corroding my heart, I have a constant physical pain. I feel as though I left her, abandoned her... that she must have hated me, she can’t have known why I wasn’t there. All she knows is that I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I absolutely despise myself. I honestly feel like the worst human being who has ever lived. I should have never moved to Denmark, I should have waited until she had gone, because I knew she was old, and I knew she had an illness. I am disgusting. I keep begging her to forgive me, but I know I don’t deserve it. I keep saying sorry, I keep hoping she will show me, in some way, that she is okay. In the early hours of Monday morning, I felt a warmth between my legs as I lay cross-legged, and as I sat up, I felt as though I was able to pick up this warmth, and cradle it. I am almost convinced it was my mind trying to create some sort of comfort, but there is part of me that feels as though it was my Cleo, and just in case it was, I spoke to her. I said everything I wanted to say, and afterwards, I felt a coolness pass over my face. I noticed a shift in me, in that moment, which brought me some relief. But since then, I have completely relapsed into a suicidal state. I have panic attacks from the grief, and when I’m not crying, I just exist in a black hole of misery. I will never be able to forgive myself or live with myself for leaving my baby. It has been especially difficult, as my fiancé is currently working offshore, so I have had to experience this, alone. He has been amazing, through Skype calls, and he has written me the most beautiful words to try and help me see things in a different way. I couldn’t have asked for more support. My parents, who can sometimes be emotionally distant, have been wonderful, and have, obviously, been greatly touched by her death, also. I am doing as much research as I can, I have created online photo albums, made videos from the photos, I listen to her favourite song, I have gathered a few momentos to comfort myself as I try to sleep. Luckily, I have a blanket with me that she slept on, many times, which I have been holding at night. My fiancé made the suggestion that we hold a memorial when he is back, and find a lovely spot to place some memories. I am planning on framing more photos, and painting a picture of her, as I have in the past, and getting some items printed using photos of her, such as a cushion cover, and iPad case. Also, I am planning to crochet a little toy to represent her. When I spoke to Cleo for the last time, I made suggestions of items we could keep with her, such as a bib I had crocheted for her as a little joke, which she surprisingly enjoyed, a kitchen sponge, as she used to frequently 'murder' them, and call to let us know what a vicious killer she was, an Autumn leaf, as she used to mercilessly kill these, too. Some daisies, as we used to play and make chains with them, a tea bag, as she used to love finishing off a cup of tea using her paw, and other little knickknacks that speak of her personality, and our time together. I feel like all these things should add up to some way of coping, but I cannot cope. The guilt is killing me. I need to somehow atone for my disgraceful behaviour. I have begun looking at cat rescue centres. We are planning to move to a flat that allows pets, and, knowing that I will be able to give an adult cat with a hard life a home and the love it deserves, does help, somewhat. But my Cleo. I left her, and I never wanted to, I never intended to. Yet, I did. I truly am a monster, I don’t know how to live with this feeling. I would infinitely rather be with her than live without her. I apologise for the essay I’ve written.. I doubt many people will want to read it.. but for those of you that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and wish you all the best on your own journeys to recovery after losing our best friends and soul mates.
  4. Dear friends, I wanted to post this article that I read today. We all have to grieve how and when we want, there is no time limit. https://whatsyourgrief.com/trust-me-as-i-grieve/
  5. Hi, I'm a visual communication student in my final year of university. I'm currently trying to gather information and opinions on the topic of grief; something I have felt myself, I lost my mother at the age of 12 to terminal cancer. For my final major project I want to explore a visual representation of the inner feelings of grief. I'm at the start of research which is why I seek your help! please fill in my survey any help would be extremely appreciated. I'm hoping to create a small illustrated/collage/photography book to support people grieving because I think there isn't any books out their to help us visually in a creative way. I myself being a creative person I struggled to get support from books provided to me at my time of loss. Thank you very much! https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/Z5CHB6L
  6. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  7. Podcast idea

    Hey y'all. My name's Brad & I'm from Melbourne Australia. A few weeks ago I laid my beautiful Ridgeback x Kelpie to rest on a friend's property near her favourite river. I had the idea to start a new podcast, talking to and connecting with other like-minded folks who have lost their furry loved ones. Any thoughts? I have hosted a comedy / film podcast for about 18 months now, and already this idea in my head is more satisfying. I hope I can bring it to life, but am trying to get honest feedback on things you think may or may not work if I end up creating it. Thanks! Brad
  8. Any good websites re grief and loss

    Any ideas on good websites re survivors of suicide. I think I have been on most of them. I have even gotten through the tube videos on suicide survivor loss. Some of it was helpful,and a lot of the information was the same. Anything brand new that might have come out in the last 6 months or so. Getting bored with going to the same websites for information.
  9. New tonthe Forum

    Hello Everyone, I’m new to the forum. I lost both of my parents a day apart 2 weeks ago. It was Monday September 18. My son was eating breakfast and I was getting ready for work. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. It was my aunt (my father’s older sister). I felt my stomach drop because it was unlike her to call so early unless something was urgent. I answered the phone and heard the fragility in her voice. My father had died earlier that morning. My world as I knew it had been shattered. We talked every singles day several times a day. That was my best friend. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt. That night I received a phone call thst my mother was actively dying in the nursing home she’d been living in for the past 5 days (in Utah)I called into the wee hours of the night to find out her status. In the morning I called to check on her again and was told she had the “death rattle.” I knew it wouldn’t be long until she passed. I asked the nurse to put the phone to her ear so i could speak woth her one final time. As we made our way to TN (where my father resided) later thst morning, the nursing home called to tell me my mother had died. Words can’t really give justice to my emotions. My mother was a drug addict and she died as a result of the disease. I don’t she ever realized how wonderful she was and that she deserved better. I know there is someone out there that can relate/understand what it’s like. If you’re out there, please talk to me. Today has been a rought day on this journey and i could use a companion. If you got this far in the post, thank you for reading. I pray we are all able to move forward.
  10. Hey. I have always lived with my Degu since 8 years. He's been my best friend. Today I killed him by stepping on him while he was under my blanket. I will never forgive me as I have always known he did that. I am sure I have already bad karma for making me lose him as I always paid attention and knew until today. I loved him. I hope to get some kind of enlightment for my stupidity and ease my karma so to never kill any living being again. I feel like finding solace in the penance of hinduism where the act of killing is punished sometimes serverly. I am trying to find a therapist. For the sake of my mother I will try to at least sleep now, I always slept with my best friend. Nadine, 21
  11. Big Brother Passes

    Hello, my name is Zain. I am 15. Three days ago I lost my brother. He was 19. For those of you who have watched the film Big Hero 6. My life up to now is much like that. We shared many common interests, I aspired to be like him and from what I have heard he looked up to me. He passed away leaving me lost and unsure. I'm still in that stage I believe and will be for a long time. I'm finding it difficult to cope and spend long amounts of time just sat in his room looking at all the stuff he loved and rembering all the things we used to do there when we were younger, I remember playing pokemon with him for hours on end while sat on his bed drinking apple juice and eating pancakes. I'm just sad that he passed so quickly, I never got to say good bye. I don't see how I can continue my life without the guidance of him, I saw him as an idol and an extremely inspirational figure. I think the hardest times are going to be Christmas, his birthdays and any holidays we have without him. Thank you for reading this, the reason I joined this forum is because I think sharing my experiences with people who are struggling the same will make me feel less alone in my struggle.
  12. I can't bring myself to go physically to a support group, so hopefully I can find some comfort here. . I lost my 5 year old daughter to stage 4 Wilms Tumor almost 4 months ago on May 25, 2017. She beat it once, so they said, though her remission only lasted the summer last year. We got diagnosed this time 2 years ago, the worst news I've ever heard. So out of the blue, as she had just started preschool and never seemed sick at all. Even through all the rounds of chemo, her counts being low, her platelets being almost nothing, she was always her lively happy self. She never complained when I had to give her shots in the leg many nights in a row just to boost her immune system after strong chemo. Right up until a month before she passed, she only took medicine for nausea. We took a Make-a-Wish trip in early April, which was supposed to be five days, and she got pneumonia after the first day. Sometimes I feel that if we didn't take that trip, I could have kept her longer. Everything went downhill after that. I have two boys, 7 and the other just turned 4, and they are the reason I can get out of bed. I try to be strong for my husband, but his grief is so different than mine. He drinks, and hardly ever talks about her. He'll mention that he misses her on his bad days, but I feel like I can't ever talk about her to anybody. I feel like I have to be the strong one, because everyone is going about their day and they don't need to see me bawling my eyes out. I haven't taken a shower without crying from start to finish since she passed. Anytime I'm alone, even if it's just a quick trip to the store, I cry. I scream out to God, why did he have to take they only thing I've ever wanted? Why did he have to take my only girl? She was all I've ever dreamed. Curly hair, loved everything girly and glittery and soft, and had the sassy mood to match. My mini me. My pretty girl. I can't even bake cookies without her. I can't make certain foods that we would make together, and I can't hear our girl songs on the radio. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. I thank God for letting her go in my arms, so peacefully, but I can't understand why. I fought so hard, I gave her every medicine they told me to, I researched clinical trials on my own, I took her out of town in hopes we can get stem cell transplant, but we were never able to. Her birthday is next month, and I'm already upset about it. The pain only gets worse. I miss my Mia. How do I live? I fear I'll never be happy again.
  13. Grief Counseling

    I watched my parents go through the loss of my older brother, Michael. He chose a life of serious drug use and was in an out of prison before he finally died in March of 2015. If you are a parent and having a hard time coping with the loss of your child, I can help. I know there is nothing that can take the pain away in your heart, but you can reclaim life again and find happiness. It may seem like a far stretch but with the higher power, all things are possible. You are supported in your journey. Sending you lots of love. XoXo, Julie
  14. Grief & Anxiety affecting my thoughts.

    My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  15. My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  16. Hey, I am a 21 soon to be 22 year old male from sweden, I will try to tell you all what has happened, I want to tell people and I think I need help. When I was 17, I was having a lot of emotional issues, felt like I didn't belong, did not have any friends in school, barely went there, was going through an identity crisis of sorts. At this time i registered on another forum for LGBT people. After about a week, I wrote to this person, a 19 year old from a town situated pretty close to mine. We talked for a while, we decided to meet in december of 2012, at his foster parents home. Discovered that we were very much alike, same height, interests, personality. We were both pretty introverted I guess, a little lonely. He was a classical musician, and aspired to be a teacher. He had his own Grand piano in his room, and he played some of his favorite compositions to me, and he tried to teach me some basic melodies. We spent the entire nights watching movies, talking, one of the movies I remember that we watched was a low budget version of "80 days around the world". I joked about that being our anniversary movie. But some things were still complicated, I was not ready to come out, things broke off between us and we didnt meet eachother. But after two years, I had matured and sorted myself out a bit. This was in december 2014 now, i was 19 and he just turned 22. But he had movies far away, he was now studying classical music at a school in the northern parts of sweden. But when we started talking again. We never stopped talking, every day from then on. I made the long train journey there, the school was beautifully situated near a big lake by the mountains. We decided to officially become partners there, one day almost three years ago. He surprised me soon after that, he sent me a picture of an acception letter from another school, that luckily was located where I lived, he wanted to move all the way down here to me. I even got to study at the school to, since I had some missing grades from earlier, we moved together, and for a year we went to the same school, taking the bus together. This was the best time of my life, being with him, I had no friends besides him, but that didnt bother me, i only needed him. People thought we were so alike they mistook us for siblings often, we lost count on how many times it happened. We spent so much time planning for the future, moving away, work, life in general. My boyfriend didnt live with his original parents, they were not suited for it, as they were addicts. But him and his brother were adopted by a very kind and supportive couple who became their parents. We wanted to have our own children too. We were engaged, we didnt surprise each other often, not so many romantic surprised and such. We were happy anyways. I showed him the engagement ring on the bus home from work last year. We got to work at the same place too. Never wanted to leave each other sides. I think i told him every day that i loved him and couldnt be without him by my side, he said the same to me. I finished school entirely on the 2th of june, he was working that day. We were finally free to move away, do what we felt like, start a new chapter in our lives. We had looked forward to this for two years. He told me not to worry about the two years we didnt meet, we were both young, that those two years were going to pale in comparison to our lifes together. We got to live together for just over 2 and a half Years. On sunday, june the 4th we were going to spend the entire day just resting. But at 7am he gets a call that his Co worker was sick, he was tired, i were too. He was going to have employment interviews tomorrow. I stepped in and took his shift, i regret this, now that i know this was our last day together. I came home in the after noon. He came down the stairs when i opened the door and hugged each other. He said that he had cleaned and taken care of a few arrends while i was away. I told him that that wasnt necessary, but he was energetic and happy. i was tired that evening, but it was calm and ordinary, we listened to music and played games, i showed him a song i heard on the radio by the Singer Anastacia, called "sick and tired" and "left outside alone" they were a bit nostalgic. But very ironic titles now when i think back, that it was among the last we listened to. At 12, we turned off the lights, i was more tired than him, having gone up early, usually he was asleep before me, but now now. I remember our last conversation was over me looking at the phone in the dark in bed, and he asked me what i was looking at. It was nothing unusual, i cant even recall the last thing i spoke to him. I had no idea that would be the last time i heard and felt him alive. The next thing i remember was my sister who lived with us then running up the stairs sounding very alarmed, she had heard something. I had not, but became worried quickly, we walked about a bit, but then i saw the bathroom door was locked. I asked him how he was feeling, there was no response, i felt this feeling sink into my gut. I unlocked the door and he laid on his back, pale and unresponsive, i screamed for help and my sister ran to me, i dragged him out and we started CPR. I put my mouth against his to blow air into him, while my sister compressed his chest. When i blew blood poured out, i can still taste it, that iron like sensation, i was covered in blood, i was in panic, the ambulance was on its way but didnt know what house it was, i ran outside in the rain screaming for them to come quicker. This all happened about an hour after i last spoke to him. They ran inside and took us into another room away from him, there were so many of them there, my dad worked at the fire departement and they were there assisting, but he was home sick that day. I was not mentalt present, i sat with a plastic bag asking what had happened, how it was going, but they didnt answer, we spent the entire night in the emergency, his family and mine. After about an hour of trying to bring him back, a doctor came and told him he had passed away. I was in complete disbelief and shock. They had tried everything, stimulating his heart and giving him 16 shots of adrenaline. Nothing had worked. My wonderful boyfriend, my reason to live, my only and best friend was gone in a night without warning. He was healthy, slim, we were both healthy. When I found him he had a wound on his nose and there was some blood in the toilet. I wished he would have said something, given me some sort of sign. Apparently his lungs had been filled with blood, the sounds my sister heard was him gasping for air. I am crying writing this, i couldnt be there for him during that horrible experience, he didnt deserve this, i wish i would have disappeared along with him. I want to meet him again. I dream almost every night about waking up and telling him about this nightmare ive had, but i cant. I am stuck in it, i miss him so much. I have lost my will to live, my boyfriend who i had known for 5 years and intent on being with eachother forever. I am only 21, he was only 24 and my life is over. I dont understand anything, he brought meaning to my life, before i had none. Now i am all alone. I live at my mothers house, constantly feeling absolutely horrible and in disbelief. I try to bargain and think of situations Where i could see him again or rescue him. My mind cant process the fact that he is not here. I remember the person i was with him, a month ago, just thinking about the future, our issues were so uninportant. I sleep all the time, thanks to medicine, but i cant go on without him. I think of ending my life all the time, i miss him so much. I cant go on. I love you Niklas, why did this happen? My smart, ambitious, cute, loving, kind, talented boyfriend. He wrote so much music and text, poems, he loved being creative. He was so innocent, he deserved a full life, not this. I miss him I look at the things he wrote and poems he saved up until his death.. one of the last he saved under a folder "not sorted but great poems" was one by Edgar Allan Poe, I relate to it a bit, I wish i could get him back, he had so much more to do, he was the last person you thought would die before his life even began, no bad habits at all. I cant go on like this, his funeral is this friday. We will play some of his favorite music on it. It feels so wrong, we were supposed to be enjoying summer. Now i sit here all alone, with no friends, no life worth living without him. Excuse my english, it is not my primary language. The poem he had saved was "a dream within a dream" "Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow — You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand — How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep — while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?"
  17. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  18. Just lost my sister

    Hello everyone, I've never done this before, so I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do, so Ill just share my experience with you. I'm 22 years old and I just lost my 27 year old sister two days ago. She overdosed, and it's hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. She made it to the hospital, but suffered severe brain damage. Shortly thereafter, her organs started to fail. I left work and rushed to the hospital, which was two hours away, to say goodbye. I don't think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw her when I got there, and when I did, a feeling of unreality set in. This feeling hasn't gone away since. I broke down when I saw her lying there, it was a horrifying sight that I'd never wish on anybody. The thing is, after that moment, I've felt like my life has turned into some type of sad movie, with my family and friends playing the characters. Maybe my mind is using this idea as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation, im not sure. I feel like my normal life has been replaced with my sisters death. What I mean is my life now consists of me doing pointless tasks and having pointless conversations for no reason other than filling time and fruitlessly distracting me from the fact of her death. It feels as if her death IS my life now. Hopefully I'm making sense! I find myself trying to figure this situation out, as if it were a math equation. I constantly feel confused and distant, and I hate it. What happened to everything that was, just two days ago? Does everyone go through this? Will this go away? I know it's still very fresh, two days is not a very long time to grieve, but I'm not sure if I have even accepted it! I saw her take her last breath, I SAW it. I heard the doctor pronounce her dead, yet I can't shake this feeling that she's gonna show up and say "gotcha!" And start laughing so hard she starts to snort. I'm afraid that I feel too distant to reality, and I'll fall further down the rabbit hole. It's like I have two totally conflicting thought processes going through my mind simultaneously. I'm constantly thinking about her death, but I'm not fully ready to accept that it's the truth. Is this a normal experience? I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you. vince
  19. I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months. I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way. But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that. My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. What am I doing wrong. Is this common?
  20. My father passed away 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched him deteriorate into nothing but a shell of who this strong, healthy man once was. I felt his body go from warm to cold and saw him taken away in a body bag. I was treated like trash by my family on his side. I was betrayed and belittled. Screamed at and mentally tortured by them. I was 25. Since then I've talked to countless therapists, been on medication and nothing takes away the pain and anger that I have. I used to be this beam of light and love. This carefree person who loved life and everything in it. I saw the world as beautiful in every way and saw the beauty in others as well. I was happy and my marriage flourished. After loosing my father I became this empty cold hearted person that felt betrayed by her family and betrayed by life itself that my father was taken away so young. He was 53. I've never reached out in a forum but I'm hoping I can connect with others and get some guidance on this topic.
  21. Loss of older brother

    I recently lost my oldest brother, 33 to a severe car accident he and his wife of 11 and a half years were in. I received the call that she was in the hospital and that he did not make it. My whole world came crashing down. In an instant everything I loved and held dear to my heart was taken from me. It's been 3 months going on four months and I still wait up for him to come home, I'm still having neightmares of it happening to us again. This pain will never go away, I still hear all these voices in my head "he didn't make it" I had to call my mom and tell her that her baby was gone all I hear everyday "I have to go my son died". There is no reason this accident should have happened there was no traffic, it wasn't raining. The only cause is reckless driving. The man who hit them was late to work, he was speeding. He put his life before my brothers life. He took him away from me, my family, his wife, my 5 year old niece. He was her god father , he was suppose to take care of her. How is any of this fair? What did we do to deserve this? He was as close as it comes to being perfect. He always put others before himself, always so kind, giving, thoughtful and always laughing, smiling and jokeing around. He always did everything for us, he was the older brother aka the other dad, there were four of us kids, he always took care of us even when he didn't have to. His response was always the same when he did something for us "it's because I want to" I'll never get over all the hurt, sadness, anger, anxiety. Everything was so traumatic, it still is to this day. My life has forever been ruined. This man who hit him is out there, he's on the road who's to say he won't do this again? Why is he allowed to live, come home to his family? His complete family. I never got to say good bye, hug him, or tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. The day he ended my brothers life he ended mine.
  22. Hi All, I just registered today and am in need of some advice. My aunt lost her husband last July in a car accident. Our family was devasted by the loss, but none more-so than her of course. She handled it surprisingly well for the first few months, but now that things have all but settled down she's really struggling and shes been drinking heavily, spending excess amounts of money... My mother moved in with her to be there for support, but my aunt spends her days berating my mother and treating her terribly, then turning around and acting overly nice to her. Our family has a hard time being at her house now because it gets uncomfortable listening to her yell at my mother over little things. My aunt was never like this prior to losing her husband, and our family doesn't know how what to do. She thinks no one can help her and that no one cares. Does anyone have any advice on how we can support her? We don't want her to hurt herself but it seems to be inevitable right now. We're all lost and unsure about how to act with her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
  23. My partner is currently going through a grieving process and undertaking professional help following the suicide of his ex partner. The event happened at the very start of our relationship almost a year ago and he has been in denial and pushed it to one side for some time in order to not have to deal with it. We have been together for a year now and we have both admittedly been in denial as to what happened. He said it wasn't hurting him, or causing him guilt and I was happy to to believe this, but we both knew it wasn't true. Today he will start his first class with a professional to talk through what he is going through. Is anybody going through the same thing? Its the hardest thing to see someone hurt so much and know that I need to give him space and understand its not something he can talk to me about. (Talking about it has caused huge difficulties and at times pushed him to feel that we would need to separate in order for him to deal with it.) More than anything I want him to be happy and deal with all the pain he is feeling, and I want to be there for him when and if he needs me. I can't bear the thought that he could decide that he feels we can no longer be together if he is going to deal with this, I don't want him to push away the people that he loves and who love him unconditionally.
  24. Hello, this is my first post here ( but I have posted on other forums before) . About 18 months ago, I found out my Dad had a rare form of Lukaemia ( 1 case every 4 years). He spent his first week in hospital in ICU. The consultant didn't think he'd survive the first night. But he did,...he was then moved to the cancer ward and has treatment for nearly 6 months ( give or take a week or two). He was given the all clear and was allowed home. A few weeks later, they found that the cancer had hidden at the base of the skull, and they started treatment again. He was given the all clear again, but then we were given the news. The cancer had hidden again, but there was nothing they could do. We spent the last few days of him at home by going on trips to make memories. He was admitted to hospital 4 days before he died. I spent my birthday sitting beside him on his bed. My whole family came up and we all celebrated it in the room. He died 2 days later, on the 27th of April. I remember being told to leave the room and then the nurse coming to me outside. Telling me he passed. I felt numb. That's the best way to describe it. Since then, I feel like life is pointless. I can't cry, even if I want to...my body won't let me. I hide all my emotions, because I don't want to worry other people, or annoy them. I have been to 5 therapy sessions,over the year, and I hated every single minute of it. Every night, I lie awake in bed. It's like there's a war going on in my head...between the thoughts that tell me I'd be better of dead. That my family would be better off without me here. And the one thought that says I have loads to live for. If you were to ask anybody, they would say I'm doing well. I'm not. I'm far from well. I hide it all from everyone. It's only when I go to bed at night I listen to the thoughts...but there always there. I feel alone. I want to lie in bed all day, but I force myself to get up and go to school. I used to be smart. But now I'm not able to do much work without getting frustrated and end up getting bad grades. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas what I should do next?? I know I need help. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I don't think I know anyone I trust enough to tell them. I just realised ho much I rambled on there...sorry. Any replies are much appreciated, Jack
  25. Loss of my boy cat

    2 years ago on July 2nd, 2015 an angel came into my life. I had had cats my entire life but this one was unlike any I'd ever known. I rescued him from a horrible situation-he had a broken leg and was scarily malnourished. He was under a month old. I raised money to pay for his surgery on his leg, I nursed him back to health, and I took him back East with me for my senior year of college. He was my best friend. In college I was depressed, lonely, isolated, and angry. But he was there with me through it all, helping to make my life easier. I got him another kitty to spend his days with, and she loved him as much as I did. They were my children, my angels, my best friends, and best friends to each other. They spent 9 months with me in college, and then moved back home with me when I graduated. Everyone loved him, though. She was a sweet kitty, but he was special. I named him Lumière, because he was the light of my life. We live in a coyote populated territory. But they loved the outdoors more than anything. I didn't want to deprive them of a life they enjoyed. So I allowed them access to the outside world, and they had the most amazing life. She's still with me, but she's not the same. We're both trying to cope. He went missing exactly a month ago. I can't cope. I feel guilty every second. I feel like a part of me is gone. I haven't talked to anyone about this because people judge it being a pet, but even typing this I feel a little better. I'm not a good mother, I should never have let him outside. He was too slow, too friendly, too domestic. I should've been smarter. I can't deal with this pain. I will never feel whole again.
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