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Found 134 results

  1. Big Brother Passes

    Hello, my name is Zain. I am 15. Three days ago I lost my brother. He was 19. For those of you who have watched the film Big Hero 6. My life up to now is much like that. We shared many common interests, I aspired to be like him and from what I have heard he looked up to me. He passed away leaving me lost and unsure. I'm still in that stage I believe and will be for a long time. I'm finding it difficult to cope and spend long amounts of time just sat in his room looking at all the stuff he loved and rembering all the things we used to do there when we were younger, I remember playing pokemon with him for hours on end while sat on his bed drinking apple juice and eating pancakes. I'm just sad that he passed so quickly, I never got to say good bye. I don't see how I can continue my life without the guidance of him, I saw him as an idol and an extremely inspirational figure. I think the hardest times are going to be Christmas, his birthdays and any holidays we have without him. Thank you for reading this, the reason I joined this forum is because I think sharing my experiences with people who are struggling the same will make me feel less alone in my struggle.
  2. I can't bring myself to go physically to a support group, so hopefully I can find some comfort here. . I lost my 5 year old daughter to stage 4 Wilms Tumor almost 4 months ago on May 25, 2017. She beat it once, so they said, though her remission only lasted the summer last year. We got diagnosed this time 2 years ago, the worst news I've ever heard. So out of the blue, as she had just started preschool and never seemed sick at all. Even through all the rounds of chemo, her counts being low, her platelets being almost nothing, she was always her lively happy self. She never complained when I had to give her shots in the leg many nights in a row just to boost her immune system after strong chemo. Right up until a month before she passed, she only took medicine for nausea. We took a Make-a-Wish trip in early April, which was supposed to be five days, and she got pneumonia after the first day. Sometimes I feel that if we didn't take that trip, I could have kept her longer. Everything went downhill after that. I have two boys, 7 and the other just turned 4, and they are the reason I can get out of bed. I try to be strong for my husband, but his grief is so different than mine. He drinks, and hardly ever talks about her. He'll mention that he misses her on his bad days, but I feel like I can't ever talk about her to anybody. I feel like I have to be the strong one, because everyone is going about their day and they don't need to see me bawling my eyes out. I haven't taken a shower without crying from start to finish since she passed. Anytime I'm alone, even if it's just a quick trip to the store, I cry. I scream out to God, why did he have to take they only thing I've ever wanted? Why did he have to take my only girl? She was all I've ever dreamed. Curly hair, loved everything girly and glittery and soft, and had the sassy mood to match. My mini me. My pretty girl. I can't even bake cookies without her. I can't make certain foods that we would make together, and I can't hear our girl songs on the radio. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. I thank God for letting her go in my arms, so peacefully, but I can't understand why. I fought so hard, I gave her every medicine they told me to, I researched clinical trials on my own, I took her out of town in hopes we can get stem cell transplant, but we were never able to. Her birthday is next month, and I'm already upset about it. The pain only gets worse. I miss my Mia. How do I live? I fear I'll never be happy again.
  3. Hey. I have always lived with my Degu since 8 years. He's been my best friend. Today I killed him by stepping on him while he was under my blanket. I will never forgive me as I have always known he did that. I am sure I have already bad karma for making me lose him as I always paid attention and knew until today. I loved him. I hope to get some kind of enlightment for my stupidity and ease my karma so to never kill any living being again. I feel like finding solace in the penance of hinduism where the act of killing is punished sometimes serverly. I am trying to find a therapist. For the sake of my mother I will try to at least sleep now, I always slept with my best friend. Nadine, 21
  4. Grief Counseling

    I watched my parents go through the loss of my older brother, Michael. He chose a life of serious drug use and was in an out of prison before he finally died in March of 2015. If you are a parent and having a hard time coping with the loss of your child, I can help. I know there is nothing that can take the pain away in your heart, but you can reclaim life again and find happiness. It may seem like a far stretch but with the higher power, all things are possible. You are supported in your journey. Sending you lots of love. XoXo, Julie
  5. Grief & Anxiety affecting my thoughts.

    My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  6. My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  7. Hey, I am a 21 soon to be 22 year old male from sweden, I will try to tell you all what has happened, I want to tell people and I think I need help. When I was 17, I was having a lot of emotional issues, felt like I didn't belong, did not have any friends in school, barely went there, was going through an identity crisis of sorts. At this time i registered on another forum for LGBT people. After about a week, I wrote to this person, a 19 year old from a town situated pretty close to mine. We talked for a while, we decided to meet in december of 2012, at his foster parents home. Discovered that we were very much alike, same height, interests, personality. We were both pretty introverted I guess, a little lonely. He was a classical musician, and aspired to be a teacher. He had his own Grand piano in his room, and he played some of his favorite compositions to me, and he tried to teach me some basic melodies. We spent the entire nights watching movies, talking, one of the movies I remember that we watched was a low budget version of "80 days around the world". I joked about that being our anniversary movie. But some things were still complicated, I was not ready to come out, things broke off between us and we didnt meet eachother. But after two years, I had matured and sorted myself out a bit. This was in december 2014 now, i was 19 and he just turned 22. But he had movies far away, he was now studying classical music at a school in the northern parts of sweden. But when we started talking again. We never stopped talking, every day from then on. I made the long train journey there, the school was beautifully situated near a big lake by the mountains. We decided to officially become partners there, one day almost three years ago. He surprised me soon after that, he sent me a picture of an acception letter from another school, that luckily was located where I lived, he wanted to move all the way down here to me. I even got to study at the school to, since I had some missing grades from earlier, we moved together, and for a year we went to the same school, taking the bus together. This was the best time of my life, being with him, I had no friends besides him, but that didnt bother me, i only needed him. People thought we were so alike they mistook us for siblings often, we lost count on how many times it happened. We spent so much time planning for the future, moving away, work, life in general. My boyfriend didnt live with his original parents, they were not suited for it, as they were addicts. But him and his brother were adopted by a very kind and supportive couple who became their parents. We wanted to have our own children too. We were engaged, we didnt surprise each other often, not so many romantic surprised and such. We were happy anyways. I showed him the engagement ring on the bus home from work last year. We got to work at the same place too. Never wanted to leave each other sides. I think i told him every day that i loved him and couldnt be without him by my side, he said the same to me. I finished school entirely on the 2th of june, he was working that day. We were finally free to move away, do what we felt like, start a new chapter in our lives. We had looked forward to this for two years. He told me not to worry about the two years we didnt meet, we were both young, that those two years were going to pale in comparison to our lifes together. We got to live together for just over 2 and a half Years. On sunday, june the 4th we were going to spend the entire day just resting. But at 7am he gets a call that his Co worker was sick, he was tired, i were too. He was going to have employment interviews tomorrow. I stepped in and took his shift, i regret this, now that i know this was our last day together. I came home in the after noon. He came down the stairs when i opened the door and hugged each other. He said that he had cleaned and taken care of a few arrends while i was away. I told him that that wasnt necessary, but he was energetic and happy. i was tired that evening, but it was calm and ordinary, we listened to music and played games, i showed him a song i heard on the radio by the Singer Anastacia, called "sick and tired" and "left outside alone" they were a bit nostalgic. But very ironic titles now when i think back, that it was among the last we listened to. At 12, we turned off the lights, i was more tired than him, having gone up early, usually he was asleep before me, but now now. I remember our last conversation was over me looking at the phone in the dark in bed, and he asked me what i was looking at. It was nothing unusual, i cant even recall the last thing i spoke to him. I had no idea that would be the last time i heard and felt him alive. The next thing i remember was my sister who lived with us then running up the stairs sounding very alarmed, she had heard something. I had not, but became worried quickly, we walked about a bit, but then i saw the bathroom door was locked. I asked him how he was feeling, there was no response, i felt this feeling sink into my gut. I unlocked the door and he laid on his back, pale and unresponsive, i screamed for help and my sister ran to me, i dragged him out and we started CPR. I put my mouth against his to blow air into him, while my sister compressed his chest. When i blew blood poured out, i can still taste it, that iron like sensation, i was covered in blood, i was in panic, the ambulance was on its way but didnt know what house it was, i ran outside in the rain screaming for them to come quicker. This all happened about an hour after i last spoke to him. They ran inside and took us into another room away from him, there were so many of them there, my dad worked at the fire departement and they were there assisting, but he was home sick that day. I was not mentalt present, i sat with a plastic bag asking what had happened, how it was going, but they didnt answer, we spent the entire night in the emergency, his family and mine. After about an hour of trying to bring him back, a doctor came and told him he had passed away. I was in complete disbelief and shock. They had tried everything, stimulating his heart and giving him 16 shots of adrenaline. Nothing had worked. My wonderful boyfriend, my reason to live, my only and best friend was gone in a night without warning. He was healthy, slim, we were both healthy. When I found him he had a wound on his nose and there was some blood in the toilet. I wished he would have said something, given me some sort of sign. Apparently his lungs had been filled with blood, the sounds my sister heard was him gasping for air. I am crying writing this, i couldnt be there for him during that horrible experience, he didnt deserve this, i wish i would have disappeared along with him. I want to meet him again. I dream almost every night about waking up and telling him about this nightmare ive had, but i cant. I am stuck in it, i miss him so much. I have lost my will to live, my boyfriend who i had known for 5 years and intent on being with eachother forever. I am only 21, he was only 24 and my life is over. I dont understand anything, he brought meaning to my life, before i had none. Now i am all alone. I live at my mothers house, constantly feeling absolutely horrible and in disbelief. I try to bargain and think of situations Where i could see him again or rescue him. My mind cant process the fact that he is not here. I remember the person i was with him, a month ago, just thinking about the future, our issues were so uninportant. I sleep all the time, thanks to medicine, but i cant go on without him. I think of ending my life all the time, i miss him so much. I cant go on. I love you Niklas, why did this happen? My smart, ambitious, cute, loving, kind, talented boyfriend. He wrote so much music and text, poems, he loved being creative. He was so innocent, he deserved a full life, not this. I miss him I look at the things he wrote and poems he saved up until his death.. one of the last he saved under a folder "not sorted but great poems" was one by Edgar Allan Poe, I relate to it a bit, I wish i could get him back, he had so much more to do, he was the last person you thought would die before his life even began, no bad habits at all. I cant go on like this, his funeral is this friday. We will play some of his favorite music on it. It feels so wrong, we were supposed to be enjoying summer. Now i sit here all alone, with no friends, no life worth living without him. Excuse my english, it is not my primary language. The poem he had saved was "a dream within a dream" "Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow — You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand — How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep — while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?"
  8. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  9. Just lost my sister

    Hello everyone, I've never done this before, so I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do, so Ill just share my experience with you. I'm 22 years old and I just lost my 27 year old sister two days ago. She overdosed, and it's hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. She made it to the hospital, but suffered severe brain damage. Shortly thereafter, her organs started to fail. I left work and rushed to the hospital, which was two hours away, to say goodbye. I don't think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw her when I got there, and when I did, a feeling of unreality set in. This feeling hasn't gone away since. I broke down when I saw her lying there, it was a horrifying sight that I'd never wish on anybody. The thing is, after that moment, I've felt like my life has turned into some type of sad movie, with my family and friends playing the characters. Maybe my mind is using this idea as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation, im not sure. I feel like my normal life has been replaced with my sisters death. What I mean is my life now consists of me doing pointless tasks and having pointless conversations for no reason other than filling time and fruitlessly distracting me from the fact of her death. It feels as if her death IS my life now. Hopefully I'm making sense! I find myself trying to figure this situation out, as if it were a math equation. I constantly feel confused and distant, and I hate it. What happened to everything that was, just two days ago? Does everyone go through this? Will this go away? I know it's still very fresh, two days is not a very long time to grieve, but I'm not sure if I have even accepted it! I saw her take her last breath, I SAW it. I heard the doctor pronounce her dead, yet I can't shake this feeling that she's gonna show up and say "gotcha!" And start laughing so hard she starts to snort. I'm afraid that I feel too distant to reality, and I'll fall further down the rabbit hole. It's like I have two totally conflicting thought processes going through my mind simultaneously. I'm constantly thinking about her death, but I'm not fully ready to accept that it's the truth. Is this a normal experience? I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you. vince
  10. I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months. I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way. But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that. My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. What am I doing wrong. Is this common?
  11. My father passed away 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched him deteriorate into nothing but a shell of who this strong, healthy man once was. I felt his body go from warm to cold and saw him taken away in a body bag. I was treated like trash by my family on his side. I was betrayed and belittled. Screamed at and mentally tortured by them. I was 25. Since then I've talked to countless therapists, been on medication and nothing takes away the pain and anger that I have. I used to be this beam of light and love. This carefree person who loved life and everything in it. I saw the world as beautiful in every way and saw the beauty in others as well. I was happy and my marriage flourished. After loosing my father I became this empty cold hearted person that felt betrayed by her family and betrayed by life itself that my father was taken away so young. He was 53. I've never reached out in a forum but I'm hoping I can connect with others and get some guidance on this topic.
  12. Loss of older brother

    I recently lost my oldest brother, 33 to a severe car accident he and his wife of 11 and a half years were in. I received the call that she was in the hospital and that he did not make it. My whole world came crashing down. In an instant everything I loved and held dear to my heart was taken from me. It's been 3 months going on four months and I still wait up for him to come home, I'm still having neightmares of it happening to us again. This pain will never go away, I still hear all these voices in my head "he didn't make it" I had to call my mom and tell her that her baby was gone all I hear everyday "I have to go my son died". There is no reason this accident should have happened there was no traffic, it wasn't raining. The only cause is reckless driving. The man who hit them was late to work, he was speeding. He put his life before my brothers life. He took him away from me, my family, his wife, my 5 year old niece. He was her god father , he was suppose to take care of her. How is any of this fair? What did we do to deserve this? He was as close as it comes to being perfect. He always put others before himself, always so kind, giving, thoughtful and always laughing, smiling and jokeing around. He always did everything for us, he was the older brother aka the other dad, there were four of us kids, he always took care of us even when he didn't have to. His response was always the same when he did something for us "it's because I want to" I'll never get over all the hurt, sadness, anger, anxiety. Everything was so traumatic, it still is to this day. My life has forever been ruined. This man who hit him is out there, he's on the road who's to say he won't do this again? Why is he allowed to live, come home to his family? His complete family. I never got to say good bye, hug him, or tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. The day he ended my brothers life he ended mine.
  13. Hi All, I just registered today and am in need of some advice. My aunt lost her husband last July in a car accident. Our family was devasted by the loss, but none more-so than her of course. She handled it surprisingly well for the first few months, but now that things have all but settled down she's really struggling and shes been drinking heavily, spending excess amounts of money... My mother moved in with her to be there for support, but my aunt spends her days berating my mother and treating her terribly, then turning around and acting overly nice to her. Our family has a hard time being at her house now because it gets uncomfortable listening to her yell at my mother over little things. My aunt was never like this prior to losing her husband, and our family doesn't know how what to do. She thinks no one can help her and that no one cares. Does anyone have any advice on how we can support her? We don't want her to hurt herself but it seems to be inevitable right now. We're all lost and unsure about how to act with her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
  14. My partner is currently going through a grieving process and undertaking professional help following the suicide of his ex partner. The event happened at the very start of our relationship almost a year ago and he has been in denial and pushed it to one side for some time in order to not have to deal with it. We have been together for a year now and we have both admittedly been in denial as to what happened. He said it wasn't hurting him, or causing him guilt and I was happy to to believe this, but we both knew it wasn't true. Today he will start his first class with a professional to talk through what he is going through. Is anybody going through the same thing? Its the hardest thing to see someone hurt so much and know that I need to give him space and understand its not something he can talk to me about. (Talking about it has caused huge difficulties and at times pushed him to feel that we would need to separate in order for him to deal with it.) More than anything I want him to be happy and deal with all the pain he is feeling, and I want to be there for him when and if he needs me. I can't bear the thought that he could decide that he feels we can no longer be together if he is going to deal with this, I don't want him to push away the people that he loves and who love him unconditionally.
  15. Hello, this is my first post here ( but I have posted on other forums before) . About 18 months ago, I found out my Dad had a rare form of Lukaemia ( 1 case every 4 years). He spent his first week in hospital in ICU. The consultant didn't think he'd survive the first night. But he did,...he was then moved to the cancer ward and has treatment for nearly 6 months ( give or take a week or two). He was given the all clear and was allowed home. A few weeks later, they found that the cancer had hidden at the base of the skull, and they started treatment again. He was given the all clear again, but then we were given the news. The cancer had hidden again, but there was nothing they could do. We spent the last few days of him at home by going on trips to make memories. He was admitted to hospital 4 days before he died. I spent my birthday sitting beside him on his bed. My whole family came up and we all celebrated it in the room. He died 2 days later, on the 27th of April. I remember being told to leave the room and then the nurse coming to me outside. Telling me he passed. I felt numb. That's the best way to describe it. Since then, I feel like life is pointless. I can't cry, even if I want to...my body won't let me. I hide all my emotions, because I don't want to worry other people, or annoy them. I have been to 5 therapy sessions,over the year, and I hated every single minute of it. Every night, I lie awake in bed. It's like there's a war going on in my head...between the thoughts that tell me I'd be better of dead. That my family would be better off without me here. And the one thought that says I have loads to live for. If you were to ask anybody, they would say I'm doing well. I'm not. I'm far from well. I hide it all from everyone. It's only when I go to bed at night I listen to the thoughts...but there always there. I feel alone. I want to lie in bed all day, but I force myself to get up and go to school. I used to be smart. But now I'm not able to do much work without getting frustrated and end up getting bad grades. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas what I should do next?? I know I need help. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I don't think I know anyone I trust enough to tell them. I just realised ho much I rambled on there...sorry. Any replies are much appreciated, Jack
  16. Loss of my boy cat

    2 years ago on July 2nd, 2015 an angel came into my life. I had had cats my entire life but this one was unlike any I'd ever known. I rescued him from a horrible situation-he had a broken leg and was scarily malnourished. He was under a month old. I raised money to pay for his surgery on his leg, I nursed him back to health, and I took him back East with me for my senior year of college. He was my best friend. In college I was depressed, lonely, isolated, and angry. But he was there with me through it all, helping to make my life easier. I got him another kitty to spend his days with, and she loved him as much as I did. They were my children, my angels, my best friends, and best friends to each other. They spent 9 months with me in college, and then moved back home with me when I graduated. Everyone loved him, though. She was a sweet kitty, but he was special. I named him Lumière, because he was the light of my life. We live in a coyote populated territory. But they loved the outdoors more than anything. I didn't want to deprive them of a life they enjoyed. So I allowed them access to the outside world, and they had the most amazing life. She's still with me, but she's not the same. We're both trying to cope. He went missing exactly a month ago. I can't cope. I feel guilty every second. I feel like a part of me is gone. I haven't talked to anyone about this because people judge it being a pet, but even typing this I feel a little better. I'm not a good mother, I should never have let him outside. He was too slow, too friendly, too domestic. I should've been smarter. I can't deal with this pain. I will never feel whole again.
  17. I have never been in so much pain as I am still. I rescued Darby in 2006 and he was the most wonderful dog. He was sweet to all but he loved me most and I loved him back. And so amazingly cute as only shih tzus can be. He got old and then got sick and I did everything I could for him but what can one do when a dog has multiple problems and is getting worse. I couldn't let him suffer and so I was there with him when the end came. I thought it would be a relief that he wasn't suffering but all I know is that I continue to suffer from his loss. I can't think straight and cry every time I think of him. I want to move forward and get another little dog to ease the pain but I can't get myself together even to do that. Can anybody out there give advice as to what to do to cope with this? I live by myself, and am older woman with no kids but still dealing with an ancient mother who unfortunately drives me crazy with her well meaning advice. She cannot understand why I am so unhappy and in so much pain. I don't really understand it myself.
  18. I lost my dad less than 2 weeks ago very unexpectedly. I've had terrible anxiety and panic disorder since I was 7, and have been on Zoloft since I was 11. It has always helped me a lot, but after this, I can't seem to quit having panic attacks and having constant anxiety. I have so so many unwanted, fearful, intrusive thoughts. Everything just seems so overwhelming and unbearable. I'm just so terrified of everything and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm having thoughts like "why are we all just happily living waiting to die?" And I know that I certainly would die if something ever happened to my mom. People are like "no you won't, it just feels that way." But they don't know me, they don't know how I feel. She is and has always been my entire life. She's what's helping me get through this. Since I'm already on 100mg of Zoloft and am trying to prevent seeing a therapist, as I talk everything I'm feeling over with my mom and I try to look up self-help things online or in books, and considering my anxiety was well under control before this happened, do you think time will help me? Has anyone else suffered anxiety or worsening of it due to grief? What helped you? How long did it take? I suppose the main question, is how long does the worst of grieving last? I know it's different for everyone and there's no set time, and you never "get over" it, you just accept it and move on, but in general terms, how long does the worst of it usually last? Thank everyone for their answers.
  19. Missing Nala!!!

    So my precious Nala was a few short months shy of 13. I always think that my pets will beat the average age...guess it's wishful thinking on my part. Took her to the hometown vet about 3 weeks ago because she was hoarse. Doc said to start her out on an antihistamine because if she didn't get better he'd sedate her and see if she had polyps. She didn't get better and I started noticing she would lay in a box in my closet a good bit of the time. I still didn't think she was near death: life happened...my Dad had a pacemaker installed and my husband was hospitalized and had surgery as soon as my Dad was released. We were out of town for a week and I couldn't get Nala in until tomorrow to see the hometown vet. She ate as soon as we got back into town and I was really excited. But I noticed her breathing seemed to be more labored after a coughing fit. Then the next day she barely ate or drank...she wanted to I think but it was too difficult for her. I took her to a 24 hr hospital yesterday, thinking I'd take her home with me and she had bronchitis or pneumonia. My heart sank when the vet took X-rays and told me Nala had malignant cancer in her lungs and had fluid completely surrounding the mass which was making it difficult to breathe. It still was not registering until she said she recommended euthanasia. I was not ready for that but I'd seen my baby earlier struggling to breathe like I'd never seen before. I'm still devastated. But at least I got to be with her until the end and here her purr and see those beautiful green eyes. When she wasn't coughing she was fine so when they brought her back, she was sedated and relaxed so I got to spend peaceful last few moments with her and tell her that I'm sure wherever God had prepared for her would be awesome even though I didn't know where. I can only imagine it's gorgeous! So many great memories and I'm trying to write them down and just let out my wails as I can. I refuse to hold it in and I refuse to apologize. I miss her greatly but I know I was the one that was blessed to have her as my furbaby living angel for almost 13 years. Maybe a week or so before I took her to the vet initially, I stubbed my pinkie toe in the corner of the bed frame and let out an agonizing scream! In Nala's authentic concern for me, she ran over to me as if to say, "Mommy, are you ok?!!" My toe fully healed a day or 2 before she died. That is one of the many things I'll miss about my furbaby Abel, Nala. God, thank You for blessing us with these sweet angels that give and receive love. Nala on 4/11/17 after her initial vet appointment. She was such a beauty and girlie-girl!
  20. Hi all, I'm new to this site, and not entirely sure how it works, but I hope it is a chance to share and learn from others. I'm a 28 year old male working abroad. A few months ago I learned by email that the police had found my mother dead inside our house (we live in the countryside of upstate NY). She had been living alone for several months. She spent her share of her retirement money in a matter of months (she was 59) and no longer had any money to pay for electricity. As the winter months began, with no electricity she was unable to heat the house, and she died of hypothermia. The police found her after a neighbor noticed little activity coming from the house for several weeks. My parents had recently divorced after my mother, who had been on medication for bipolarism/manic depression, suddenly refused to take her medication anymore. From what I understand, life at home became horrible for my father, and he was eventually forced out of the home after my mother made a false claim to the police that he had raped her. She took half of the retirement money and spent it all in a matter of months on installing new lockable windows and barricading the driveway. She also bought new furniture and an expensive lamp. As time went on she refused any help from anyone, and when my parents divorced in August, she was really on her own. The last time I spoke to her was last April, on the phone. She really wanted me to come home for the summer and offered to pick me up. I did not give a clear answer. I was so concerned about her ability to take care of herself, but I was also afraid if what she might do to me if I came home. With so much instability and danger in that situation, I decided to not come home for the summer. That was the last conversation I had with my mother. The last time I saw her was December 1.5 years ago, being driven away by the police to a hospital where she would get examined for rape. I thought a lot about calling her again to check in, but I wanted to distance myself from the crazy family situation. When the electricity got caught off in September, I suppose there would have been no way to contact her, as the phone would not have worked. I overall feel little towards the death of my mother except guilt, sadness for her wasted life, and wonder at the idea that someone who was once breathing and talking is now a pile of ash (her body was cremated). I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I'm repressing feeling, or if I genuinely feel nothing. It's still hard for me to believe that this even happened.
  21. Hello everyone, I lost our beautiful mum on the 4th of Oct 2016. It all started suddenly with fever, 103.6 degrees, nausea, diarrhoea after that she did not pass Urine for a day or bowel movement. She was totally fine except type two diabetes and hypotension. We were in India at that time and unfortunately there was a dengue and chucungunya epidemic. We went to family doctor he didn't order bloods and by symptom he told us it sss chucungunya which my aunt recently had.!she had a real bad joint pain also which is a symptom. On the fourth day she started getting worse and had a severe abdominal pain and was short of breath. She did t want to go to the doctor or in emergency. She was so bad that she could not move we finally called the ambulance who took her to hospital. The local doctor ordered tests on day four and everything was OK according to him and he now said it was a viral and the only issue was low platelet count. She had stopped eating and drinking water by day 4 -!; 5. When we reached hospital they said her platelet count was dangerously low 95,000 they ran tests and said her creatinine and potassium were sky high which meant her kidneys had failed they were only working10%. They said this was due to some infection but it'd take time to figure out until then she was put on anibiotics inserted a catheter to mesusrd Urine output and was given meds and food through pipes in her neck. The only was to purify her blood was through dialysis. On second day X ray came and they said she had air leaking out of her Intestine. Even when we reached hospital they did tell us she was really really sick, her kidneys were bad transplant was not an option as she was I poor health. They did emergency surgery to fix air in the intestine and discovered she had a bowel perforation (peritonitis) The surgeon told us her chance of survival with surgery was 10% and without surgery she'd not make it either it was 0%. They removed infected part of large I testing, found 1 litre of pus which they removed and put a temporary STOMA in her tummy. My poor mum was unconscious she didn't know what was going on at all! So we consented. Surgery went fine and st night she was stable but they put her on non invasive ventilator to help her lungs and heart and so she could sleep. In the morning, we were told her blood pressure had dropped to a dangerously low point. They gave her all meds to pump it up but nothing working she was in SEPTIC SHOCK now, around 5 pm it was almost ok she was maintaining around 90 but after that it suddenly Dropped further. They called us from ICU and said the last resort was a blood transfusion and if that didn't elevate her BP she would not make it. They tried this but it had no effect on her blood, eventually after a three day struggle at hospital and a living nightmare she passed away, I could not take the sight of her monitor and her vitals dropping anymore I went out, I told her how much I loved her but I don't think she heard me, I just didn't have the courage to stay with her until her last breath she was on ventilator and her vitals kept dropping until her pulse showed 0.. I let my father and her brother stay as only two people were allowed, it haunts me to think that perhaps she was looking for me and my brother and we were not present when she was counting her last breaths. this was the worst day of my life, I would do anything to bring her back but I think I failed as a daughter whom she always trusted blindly, I told her she would get better but she did not. I should have been more proactive but my mum was very weak, she was also overweight 97kgs that's why it was so hard to take her down from a fifth floor apartment in a shitty lift. Her result for chucungunya done at hospital came back positive. She kept saying she was fine, none of us realised the fatality of the situation p I don't know what killed her, doctor said she must have had diverticulitis or Crohns which got worse but no one had any specific cause. Her cerfticicate said MOD PERFORATION PERITONITIS ANF SEPTIC SHOCK. Do not ignore severe abdominal pain she fell sick on the 26th with fever only, got wide on the 29-30th Sep and passed on the 4th Oct. I will never forgive myself I should not have listened to the family doctor I should have made him order bloods sooner rather than listening to his viral and chucungunya logic, I hope it never happens to anybody's loved one. I missed the chance to give her life, I hate myself I will never forgive myself me and my brother lost the most loving and beautiful mum withi a span of eight days ... I wish.. I didn't say goodbye I didn't tell her I love her I am lost without her life has lost its meaning what Devil attacked her. We celebrated her birthday just a week ago and mine too :(it was too late I am not sure if she would have had better treatment in U.K. Or Usa not sure if the doctors in India treated her properly ..
  22. My father died when I was 13 years old. Ever since, I have wondered about the long-term effects of such a devastating loss. I am now a fourth year Clinical Psychology PhD Student in New York City and I am thrilled that I have been able to turn this very personal topic into a meaningful dissertation study. If you meet the criteria listed below, I would be so grateful if you would take my survey! Please also share the link with anyone who might be interested. Your participation will be anonymous and you will also have a chance to enter into a raffle to win one of three $50 Amazon gift cards. 1. Are you currently 18 years or older and fluent in English? 2. Have you ever been romantically involved with someone? 3. Have you experienced the death of your biological mother or father before the age of 17? 4. If yes, were your biological mother and father married or living together prior to the death? If you answered yes to all of these questions, please click the link below: https://survey.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9sKf37iPMrdgkMB Please email RelationshipsStudy2017@gmail.com if you have any questions. You can also email me if you are interested in hearing about the results after the study is complete. I am happy to share my findings! Thank you so much.
  23. I lost my cat of 21 years yesterday... and the grief is breaking my heart .. she was everything to me ... we grew up and grew old together ... she is free from the discomfort of old age ... which is a good thing ... yet selfishly I ache and wished she was still here with me ..... How do you cope with the gnawing pain and sense of loss it is so raw ... so deep, so painful ... I miss her so much
  24. I lost my mother a month ago to a sudden heart attack in bed. She was fit and healthy and had no health conditions, so this came as a huge shock to us all. I was visiting my parents for the weekend and was sleeping in the room next to them, and my Dad woke me up saying that he couldn’t wake my mother up. We both then tried to wake her, called 999 and the paramedics did all they could to save her, but were unable to do so. One of the problems I have during my grief is that because my Dad and I were the ones first on the scene, we saw her at the most horrifyingly worst - blue lips, helpless body and eyes all over their sockets, and then we saw her being given CPR for around 45 minutes on the floor of the bedroom. I just can’t get these images out of my head at night and they come back each and night as soon as I decide to go to bed. I’m sure there must be some link to the fact that it happened just after I went to bed that night and they therefore come back at the same sort of time. I don’t live in the same house where it happened, but that hasn’t really made much of a difference with this. I’m curious to know if anyone has had any similar experiences to this and whether they found a solution that stops this regular recollection of what I saw that night. I’ve tried reading more books than usual, especially in bed at night, which helps a bit but it hasn't solved the problem. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was recalling the best memories I have of her but it’s always these absolutely terrible ones. I’d also like to know how people have got through the first few months in general. I was numb for the first 2 weeks, and then going back to work I’ve felt a bit more normal but some days are very painful indeed. I’ve heard people say that a sudden death like this takes longer as the numbness and shock need to get over first before the proper grieving starts, and now I feel like I’m right in the full grieving process. I’m not religious, but I still like to feel my mother will always be by my side in some sense and always there to offer an opinion and answer a question - which is good because she was always right!
  25. Hi, I recently lost my grandmother. She was old and fragile, and I was worried about her for months. I had been taking care of her but I never thought this would happen so soon. I don't think you can really prepare for death. I know that everyone dies, but I find it so hard to accept. She was very generous to everyone, which makes her loss so difficult. Unfortunately they are located so far away they haven't been able to see her. She was in no condition to travel. I am trying to keep it together, but I feel so incredibly empty. I don't have much desire for life, but I had been struggling with that for my whole life anyway. I have been depressed before, and I believe I have social anxiety to some extent. I don't have many friends, so I find this all extremely overwhelming. I hope I can move on somehow. I am avoidant and it is hard to connect with people. Thanks for reading.