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Found 5 results

  1. This is my first post in any type of forum about my loss, so please bear with me. Additionally, this post involves an LGBTQ relationship. If you are going to be negative about that, please take it elsewhere. There will also be mention of sexual relationships. So, on Father's Day weekend, my dad's dad died. He passed away on Saturday after a battle with stomach cancer. I was never close with him but it did still hit very close to home, of course. Just as I thought Father's Day weekend couldn't get any worse, my mom's dad passed on the holiday itself. My Pop Pop raised me when my mom was not able to and even when she was able to. We were so close and when she told me the news, I went into absolute hysterics. I saw him every single weekend. We talked on the phone every day. He was my best friend--the person closest to me in this world. And I am spiraling. Due to how immensely I am struggling, every aspect of my life is suffering. I can't concentrate at work, I have a vacation coming up that I am in no way excited for, I don't want to go out after work, I've stopped going to the gym and I've been gaining weight from not wanting to eat right, and my relationship with my partner is becoming rocky. I know that my partner loves me. Having anxiety and depression issues of their own, watching me cry and breakdown every single day for a month can't be easy. Last night, my partner told me that they feel as though I am withholding all affection from them. This confused me, as I felt I was being extremely intimate and close. The only thing going on is that we have not had sex in a while. Prior to the passing of my Pop Pop and grandfather, I was having some medical issues. I got those cleared up and then the deaths happened pretty much immediately. I don't want to think that my partner is just feeling negative feelings towards me because I don't feel comfortable having sex. I want to have sex, but every time we're about to, I think of my grandfathers dying and it is extremely graphic and depressing. I then feel guilty because my brain tells me that I should be grieving, not having sex, and then my body responds to that guilt and everything has to stop. What do I do? How can I get myself back to normal? It has been a month and I know it's going to be hard for the rest of my life, but I need to get myself back on track before I lose everything.
  2. My dear grandmother passed away 3 and a half years ago on the 16/02/2012 when I was 15 years old. She sadly lost her battle with cancer and it broke me. She was my everything. The only one who understood me. From the day I was born she was there for me, and looked after me like a mother. I went round to sleep over her house once a week when I was little, creating precious memories that would never be forgotten. She was so special to me. I have tears streaming down my eyes typing this. Her death put me into a deep depression for the first year. I am now 19 and even though the pain gradually got better, I was never the same. I think about her every single day and have done since the day of her death. Recently, the pain has become a lot worse. Ive been dreaming about her and its giving me false hope as I wake up thinking i'll see her again. I cannot think about her without breaking down. Ive tried counselling which helped for a bit but now I feel as if im back to square one. I just refuse to believe she has gone forever. I feel like I need a way of speaking to her. I am going to see a medium and see if I can communicate through there. My biggest hope is to see her again once ive passed, is this likely? I am just not ready to give up and accept she is gone. There must be a way of making some sort of contact?? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Karys X
  3. Hello, friends! The message you are about to read is going to be kind of depressing, so, y’know, you’ve been warned. On 4 May 2014, I lost a good friend of mine in a car accident. He’s my first friend to die and the only death in my young life I wasn’t prepared for. His death has severely impacted me to the point of me needing psychological help as well as a dog to make sure I get up every morning. Right after he died, I was far away from his friends and family, and even though I was able to visit everyone, I wasn’t able to stick around them and really get in some good conversations and general support while mourning. I felt and still feel completely alone a lot of the time, which is exactly the reason why I’m trying to create a show that deals with death and mourning. I love watching shows. I always have. I love shows so much, I want to write them for a living, and make other people as happy as television shows have made me. I kept thinking after I lost my friend, what would Cory Matthews do (Boy Meets World)? How would Will talk to Uncle Phil about this (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)? What would Winnie say to Kevin (The Wonder Years)? What would the cartoon version of Lizzie MaGuire say (Lizzie MaGuire)? I had no answers, because these episodes do not exist. I’ve already written the pilot episode for the show I want to make about people grieving, that’s where you come in. I need your help. I need your stories about losing someone you care about. It can literally be anyone: mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, child, PETS! You name it! Death affects us all tremendously, and I want to hear your stories! I know my friend’s death will affect me for the rest of my life. The other thing is, is that this show is going to be realistic. Not every episode has a happy ending, because life doesn’t always have happy endings. HERE’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR, FRIENDS! If you have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism, or any kind of substance abuse since your loved one died, message me! LET’S BE ALL INCLUSIVE, YO! I want to write an episode in Spanish (Hablo español, amig@s!), and let’s also keep in mind that different cultures deal with death differently! I WANT TO REPRESENT AS MANY DIFFERENT CULTURES AS POSSIBLE!!! It doesn’t matter if you lost someone six months ago or thirty years ago, message me! I want your stories to be memorable. So this kind of requires you to be a pretty good story teller, and you have to tell me when my writing is nothing like you or you just don’t like it for whatever reason. If you gained stronger faith in your religion, or lost your religion, because of a dead loved one, message me! I wanna read or hear or see your stories. You may message me here or send me an e-mail at budbuland@gmail.com, tell me all about you and your deceased loved one. Writing an episode of a show based on you requires me getting to know you pretty well, so we’ll be e-mailing and probably calling and maybe even Skyping. You helping me to make an episode based on the loss in your life will be upsetting, I promise you. But wouldn’t it help others to have a guide of how to lose someone they love? That’s why I want to make this show. MESSAGE ME! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ ALL YOUR STORIES! Love forever, Bud
  4. 2013 has not been my year. It started going badly in late Spring, when I started experiencing some serious conflict with my partner of 12 years. The reasons are extremely complicated, but the end result was that she stopped spending time on our relationship and gave her energy elsewhere, so we were essentially living in the same house, but not interacting or being loving. Around the same time, my grandfather, who was 94, began a slow decline into death. We were extremely close (I was basically his caretaker for a year), and it was very hard to see a man who was so able-bodied decline the way he did. He died on July 18th, and although it was as peaceful as could be, it felt like I had lost the only person who ever loved me just as I was, with no conditions. Unfortunately, due to the ongoing issues with my partner, I wasn't really able to get the support I needed in grieving, and was again left to process fairly alone. Add onto that some physical health issues (a severe knee sprain/muscle tear that required I use a cane or walker for 2 months, and a 5 year old spinal injury that flared up dramatically), a history of depressive episodes and anxiety (which flared again shortly after the marital problems started), a high stress job, and a 17 month old baby boy, and you can imagine that I already wasn't in a good place. Then, on Sept 18, the universe decided to give me way more than I could handle. I was away on business, and received a call from a veterinary hospital in my town. He told me that there had been a fire at my house, that he had found my phone number via my dog's microchip, and that my cat, Pepper, who I'd had ever since I got my first apartment, had died of smoke inhalation. My dog, Ellie, was in critical condition, but they were trying to give her fluids and pain medication. I immediately cancelled the rest of my trip and got in a car to drive to the airport. I called and checked in with the vet several times, and Ellie's condition was improving. They said she was up and walking around, and doing much better than when she was brought in. I called right before my LA to Sacramento flight took off, and he told me her condition was "fair to good". By the time I landed, she had died, from a combination of smoke inhalation damage and burns. Compounding the grief for my beloved animals, our local newspaper made the decision to publish photos of them in their last moments, when they were burned and being treated by firefighters. Despite our requests, they refused to take them down. I will never get that image out of my head. As for the fire, it gutted our house and destroyed 95% of our belongings. The things we could salvage were mostly in the garage, so i have plenty of tools, but no housewares, kitchen things, clothing, etc. That evening, I took a shower (we were staying with friends) and had to borrow clothes to wear to bed. The fire started outside while neither of us were home, and the cause is still "undetermined after investigation". We will never know what caused it, only that something sparked, hit our eaves, ignited the attic, then hit a gas line and blew dramatically. It will likely be a year or more before we are back in it. We are currently in a rental house, with rental furniture, and while it's fine, it just doesn't feel like home. My current problem is that I need support. My wife is also going through the same grieving process, and she still is focusing a lot of her energy elsewhere, so she has essentially notified me that she can't support me, hold me while I cry, etc. She believes, at a very deep level, that the amount of grief I'm experiencing or the way I am grieving (I probably average 45 min to an hour of crying a day, while being totally functional, working full time, helping take care of a 17 month old etc), is wrong and excessive. I do have a pair of very close friends, but their reaction seems to be much the same..."I can't deal with you crying, come back when you're not upset anymore and we can hang out". This, of course, compounds the sadness, because now I'm not just grieving, I'm lonely. It feels like all of the foundations on which I built my life have disappeared all at once...the security of my marriage, my grandfather, my home, and my wonderful animal family members, who would always listen to me cry if no one else was willing. Does anyone have any outside sources of support that they use? I am feeling extremely alone, and I'd love to make friends here to talk through this with...it's hard not to have anyone I can talk to that will take the time to listen. Thank you for reading (this was a novel) and I look forward to meeting you soon.
  5. My grandad died in may 2012 unexpectedly , he was perfectly healthy but went to bed and that was it. He was basically a father to me and I thought the world of him! He really was the centre of the family. Im struggling to get past it as he was such a big part of my life, everything reminds me of him and life just isn't and can't be the same anymore. I'm struggling to carry on as normal at work as a nursery assistant and am feeling the pressure to be back to my normal happy jokey self!!! which just adds more stress! I'm also absolutley dreading Xmas and wish it would just disappear!! Grandad used to play Santa for the local children and we grew up thinking he was Santa helper, so Xmas has always been associated with grandad. I really don't want to celebrate it at all, but there's no escaping it! Especially at work . is it normal to feel like this 7 months on? xx