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Found 6 results

  1. Hi all I'm not sure how this works it's my first time on any forum. But I feel the need to talk to someone. Here goes... I spent the majority of my life hating my grandmother, hate is s strong word but I disliked her, a lot. When I was little I thought she was mean and too serious, never got presents from her or anything, which isn't important but as a child it stood out to me. I don't recall her ever hugging me, kissing me, or even telling me she loved me. As I got older I learned more about her, she was mean to my mom as well, it was obvious she had favorite children and grandchildren, my mother and I were on neither list. I discovered my mom crying countless times over something my grandmother had said or done to her. My step grandfather after years of being together left my grandmother, and I remember thinking she deserved it, I felt bad but she was mean to him as well and he did everything for her he was like a slave. The older I got the more I resented her, for treating my mom like crap and for never being a grandmother to me but I grew to a point where I didn't "need" her. Over the years my grandmothers health deterrioated but because she let herself go, she became very dependent of my uncle whom she lived with and did nothing by herself, not because she wasnt capable but because she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. It's just who she was. She was only 75 and she began doing her business on herself and requesting to be bathed in bed, keep in mind she was not sick and was in decent shape. Anytime I saw her I avoided her, I have an old fashion family and I would never disrespect her so I would avoid her and not talk to her and pretend she didn't exist. I also always said that when she passed I wouldn't cry that I would be sad for my mother but I wouldn't care. Yet here we are, on Monday she passed away at 75 years old. She was recently in and out of the hospital due to her lungs filling up with water from laying in bed too much, it's what I was told. Her last visit she was kept longer and they told her her kidneys were failing her and she only had 3 days to live. When I got the news I froze, I immediately felt numb, I thought "omg my grandmother is going to die and I'm not sure how I feel" but I did, I felt sad, panicked, and plain awful. I immediately went to the hospital to be with my mother in this hard time, but when I saw my grandmother laying there looking so different and out of it, I broke down and cried. It hurt, it hurt a lot and I was so caught off guard by my feelings. The next day she passed and we all went there to say goodbye, there are lot of us. She had 7 children and 18 grandchildren. They all sat around her lifeless body talking about things she would say to them and stories etc and I sat there with tears in my eyes just staring at her thinking "why didn't you love me?" I have no stories about her, no memories and believe it or not one photo with her at all. She's gone now and I'm left with nothing. Everyone tries to comfort me with the fact that she was rough and stubborn and "it's just how she was" but I see that she had at least somewhat of a relationship with my other cousins and I'm hurt. I spent my whole life resenting her and avoiding her because it was the easy thing to do, but now she's gone and I'm left here feeling like crap for the things I thought and ever said about her. I think maybe if I tried harder with her even though I do know she was a mean person, but I'm plagued with all the "what ifs". I even got in an argument with one of my younger cousins because tensions are so high and we're all on edge but now I feel even more disconnected from the family. I feel hated and I feel like I have no right to mourn her. I simply don't know what to do with all these constant shifting feelings. I'm depressed and it all feels surreal.
  2. Grieving at 15

    Hello, I am very new to this forum as I just joined a few seconds ago. I recently lost my Grandmother 3-4 weeks ago just before the school holidays started, she was 81. I am still finding life very hard and at times I feel like I don't want to continue with my own life, I know that everyone dies but I don't want any of that to happen. I still have my mother, my dad, my 2 brothers, my grandma from my mums side and my grandparents from my dads side but I'm only really close to my mums side of the family. If anyone is wondering she died from a hemorrhagic stroke and died in the hospital that day, it was such a shock and it was very weird also. That day I wokeup feeling very sad and depressed, I told my mum i didnt want to go to school as I was feeling sad. She made an appointment to the doctors for me to talk to them and on the way to the doctors my mum got a call from her brother saying my grandma wasnt feeling well and collapsed. We drove to her house and I waited in the car while my parents went inside, the ambulance was already there. When she came out in the wheelchair she looked so bad, I haven't experienced anything like that at all, not even death besides my dog and rabbit. While they went inside I tried to stay positive by praying to god that everything will be alright, even when she came out of the house I still stayed positive, till the end. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to go on with my life and go to school. I wanted more time with her as I'm only 15, this feels like a bad bad dream that I want to wakeup from. I know that she is in heaven and I've prayed that the Lord comforts the family but I haven't felt safe and comforted at all. I miss her so much.
  3. Hi everyone. I’m not sure where to start or if I’m doing this right. I’ve never done any type of grief counseling/support groups and I probably should have. I’m 24 years old right now and just relocated to Chicago, IL. When I was 15 I lost my mother in March and my father in June of the same year. It was rough. But I think it was for the best. My entire life my mother had been a struggling alcoholic but at the same time she was the strongest woman I’ve ever met. She was a single mom (there was only me) and she managed to waitress and bartend, all the while putting herself through school to become a registered nurse. She did it. She graduated with her BSN and got a job as a registered nurse in the emergency room of our local hospital. The only downfall was her getting fired a few years later for showing up to work drunk. From there on out we lived off of welfare and random help from my grandmother to get us by in subsidized housing. Our rent was 35.00 a month. I spent the rest of my childhood watching her, babysitting really. Making sure she ate, showered and got to bed okay without blacking out on her way there. Her battle with alcohol induced pancreatitis didn’t help matters. I was sitting at the hospital with her more times than I sat in my classes at school. I heard the doctors tell her that “if you don’t stop drinking now, you’ll die” more times than I can count. And they were right. She died on a snowy Michigan morning before I made it to the hospital to say goodbye. I remember her boyfriend of the time calling the friends house that I was staying at to tell me to be out in the driveway in 10 minutes. He picked me up, drove to the hospital as fast as he could and she died minutes before we got there. My entire family was there to say goodbye but me. They watched as I panicked, asking for my mother, only to tell me that she had already died. At this time I went to live with my Grandmother. I loved her like crazy. Throughout my childhood she would pick me up from my mom’s when I called her crying because I didn’t want to be there anymore. She would let me stay the night, we’d bake cookies and go plant flowers and pull weeds out in her garden. She’d even take me to church with her and I remember the first time she taught me how to pray and told me what feeling God’s presence should feel like. She was my person. I did have a father through all of this, technically. His name was on my birth certificate at least. Great guy but a kid at heart. Never had a full time job, never owned a home, never graduated high school. He would stop by and see me, calling me on or a couple days after my birthday every year and tell me he loved me. He’d always ask to speak to my mom but she wanted nothing to do with him. He had no money to send to help her and he was always calling collect from somewhere else. I do remember him making it to my mom’s funeral though. I remember because I saw my grandmother make a b-line to him to get him to sign the court papers giving her custody of me. And he did. Right away. That is when I knew he was my dad. Not because he signed away rights to me because he wanted nothing to do with me, but because he knew that this was what was best for me. He knew where I belonged. I belonged with my grandmother. I remember a few months after that, coming home from school to my grandma sitting at the kitchen table. She told me to sit down and pulled the chair out for me. I remember her pouring me a glass of chocolate milk and asking me how school went. It wasn’t really out of the norm for her to ask me about my day because she was the first person to genuinely and routinely ask me about my day. But something still didn’t feel right. I guess that’s because the next thing she did was tell me that my father had fallen off a boat in Lake Michigan and drown. They found his body and it was confirmed. I was now technically an orphan. His funeral went by, or it didn’t, I’m not really sure. I wasn’t invited. This left my grandma and I. She was my rock. I loved her more than anyone. I didn’t have any family that I could have in my life on my dad’s side and my mother’s side never seemed to want much to do with me either. My grandma talked to her other kids here and there, but didn’t see them and most of that seem to be because of their own issues. But in my opinion it was just my grandma and me against the world. I got through high school alright and I even started college at a local community college. Everything was going well for once. I was working full-time at Kmart and even had enough money to get my own car. A 2009 Nissan Sentra. Black. Life was great. It didn’t last for long though. My grandma, a seemingly healthy woman was diagnosed. I say diagnosed so broadly because it was really a spectrum of things. Lupus, emphysema, kidney disease. It all started to unravel. She was on meds for Lupus, given an oxygen tank for emphysema and started peritoneal dialysis for kidney disease. It gave her a better chance than hemodialysis which is what you’ve probably heard of. Hemodialysis is the more common type of dialysis and it’s where patients go to a clinic for a few hours three times a week. Anyway, because of her arthritis, her hands were basically unusuable. So I went with her to her appointments just like I always had and got certified in performing her dialysis for her. She had a port put in her abdomen and we did the dialysis 2-3 times a day. Everything was going smoothly. At least as smoothly as it could have gone in her situation. Except she ended up going to the hospital for breathing issues, caught an infection when a nurse who wasn’t informed on proper peritoneal dialysis let her port get infected and she went septic. I watched her shrivel in severe pain for three days before her heart stopped. Here I am, a year later. I’m trying to pick up the pieces but I don’t even know where to start. I have no one left and no where to go. I just need a friend or two while I try and put my life back together and fix my broken heart.
  4. Hello, I am writing here because my partner (with whom I live) lost his grandmother last week and he is really not doing well. He participated in the ceremony and followed her from the very moment she passed to the burial. I know he chose (because he promised her) not to leave her body alone until the burial, so he identified her at the morgue and then helped bury her (carried the body and opened the shroud in the tomb to apply rose water - Iranian tradition). He was raised in the US so it's not like he saw this many times in his life so I know he is extremely affected by what he saw and did. He is extremely proud and not very communicative for that kind of matter. He opens up sometimes but then locks himself down in his thoughts very quickly after. I feel completely ill-equipped to help him... he sleeps all day, moans and weeps at night, in his sleep,...he doesn't shower and can't focus. I know this is part of grief and it is "normal"... I would just need practical help... Tonight, he opened up and started talking about the people who apply make-up on the deceased... I thought it would be a good idea to follow him down this path and talked about it with him for a little bit and I could tell that he was pretty disturbed afterwards. So maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He was silent for a while and I told him that he could talk about anything if he wanted and patted his arm... but he shut down. I feel so sad that I can't help him... I don't know how to help him... and even if I knew, I wouldn't know how to say it since he is so proud and so private. Do you have any tips? Apart from being there for him and helping with the groceries/cooking and all... I know this already. Most importantly, is there a way to alleviate his trauma regarding seeing his grandmother's face on many occasions?? I know he mentioned that he cannot get it out of his head... Thank you so much for your help... I truly appreciate it.
  5. Okay, seven years ago (i was 11) i lost my nan to cancer. I was really close to her, and when i found out that she had died my whole world fell apart... and even now seven years on i still feel lost without her and still feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that hasn't healed yet. She was 66 when she died, and had had breast cancer a few years before that. I knew she was unwell but never thought that she would actually die. I spent almost every weekend round her house, and about a week before she died i stopped going to see her, because i thought if i didn't go to see her she'd get better because she wouldn't have to look after me. My nan saw my mum during that week and told her she thought i didn't love her. And so now after all those years i still feel really guilty for not going to see her and hate the fact that she died thinking i didn't love her, since she was everything to me. This article might be a bit hard to understand but i have a lot of things to say and just need to get them down and out. I can't talk to my mum about how i feel since my nan was her mum and she too was very close to her, so when we start to talk about her we just cry. Seven years is a long time and it annoys me sometimes that i burst into tears when people start to talk about cancer, since it reminds me of the heartache and loss. It's awful because i thought i'd feel better now, but i don't, time hasn't seemed to of healed me. I posted a photo of my nan so you can see what she looked like.
  6. Lost My Grandmother

    Hello. My name is Teri & I recently lost my grandmother after a short illness. She woke up January 14th with a tight chest. They saw their doctor the same day. He prescribed an antibiotic & sent her home. She took it for almost a week but got worse every time she took the pill. My grandfather & mother drove her into the hospital on January 22nd. The ER doctor said it was the antibiotics & tossed them. Declared her chest was clear & sent her home. She got worse. She was rushed to the hospital by ambulance on the 25th of January. By the 31st both her kidneys had completely shut down & she was put into a medically induced coma. I went to see her on the 3rd of February. She didn't know I was there, but I wanted to see her & tell her I loved her. She was transferred to a bigger hospital that same day as they were the only ones who could give her dialysis. She got double pneumonia in her lungs & was on a machine to help her breathe. It just went downhill from there. On February 12th the doctors took the breathing tube out of my grandmother, by 5:45PM, she was gone. My grandmother hadn't been sick since 1980. We all expected my grandfather to go first as he's not as strong health wise & is currently walking with two canes & has numerous ailments including diabetes. I didn't just lose my grandmother though.........I've also lost my mother. We've been together since I was born, it's been just the two of us for most of my life. One day I woke up & she was sharing this house with me, we were having coffee together, arguing over who's turn it was to cook. lol. Now, she's living with my grandfather & I'm living alone for the first time. I'm socially awkward, in fact I have social phobia, so I have very little friends. I live in the middle of nowhere & don't have any type of transportation (yet. that will be rectified in the spring, I hope). I still haven't cried for my grandmother, but find I'm eating more, am always numb & just don't feel joy in anything I do. I don't even play online games anymore because I just don't enjoy it. I don't know how to get out of this on my own so I thought I'd try joining a forum where maybe others would know what I'm feeling or at least understand me a bit better. I really wish I could share this with my mom but I feel like she needs me to be strong for her, after all it was her mother that died & she was closer to her than I was. It's hard to go from sharing everything with someone to sharing nothing that's important because you know they are going through enough & you don't want to be a burden. Well, thanks for 'listening' (reading) & maybe if I didn't come off too messed up.... Someone might want to be friends??