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About Me

Found 5 results

  1. Shattered

    I was 4 years old when my grandparents went to the US, I grew up without them. Although, along the years they would come back for vacations for a couple of months at a time. I don't remember much of their visits then, I guess I was too young to really appreciate. When they would come home, it would be with my cousins and as a kid all I wanted was to hang out with my age group. Last December I was told they would be coming to live with us for good! I was ecstatic! Finally I would have a grandma of their stories. My joy was short-lived though. Less than a week home my grandma fell ill, pneumonia. I work in a hospital but at that moment I was on a break. I took care of my grandma in the hospital for more than a week and all those time I was completely terrified. When we went home my grandma asked me to not go back to work yet and so I didn't. It was a wonderful excuse to spend more time with her, to make up for the 18 years of my life without her. We had blissful months together until the 2nd week of April 2017. It was then that my world crashed. We found out she had advanced liver cirrhosis. I have so much fear for this killer. I lost my dad to it 10 years ago. And I was not ready to lose my grandma, I lost my closest aunt 5 years ago to cancer and my wound still has not healed. From April to June, we were in the hospital for 4 times, none less than two weeks. I took care of her again, gladly. I could not rest unless I was the one with her, in the hospital or at home. Her last hospital stay was on June 27 to July 4. It was I who talked her into it as she didn't want it anymore. She just wanted to stay home. As a medical professional and being scared to lose her, I just couldn't watch at home. In the end she agreed. I felt so relieved and guilty. Guilt cause I caused her pain. I told her how sorry I am to have not listened to her, because she was a wonderful person she said she doesn't blame me and I was not being selfish but I still blame myself. During that hospital stay she developed the sinister, the thief condition hepatic encephalopathy. She slipped into a stupor and I could hardly wake her. I prayed to God not to take her yet, to just wake her for a moment so I can talk to her one last time. God heard me and gave me more than I asked for. She recovered enough to wake and call out my name at 2am to tell me she loved me. I was so relieved she had awoken. From there she slip in and out of consciousness and call my name. On July 11th she slipped from my grasp beyond to a place I could not ever reach her again. I was so shocked, for just the night before we were just exchanging stories until 5am. When I woke up just before 9am I was not expecting to feel her ice cold hand in mine. That's how we always slept, she on the hospital bed and I on a recliner beside her, our hands holding each other. All I could do was weep until someone found me and tore me away from her. On July 11 my world shattered into pieces. I feel so guilty, I shouldn't have fallen asleep, I should have stayed awake with her but I didn't! I feel regret that I didn't spend every second I could with her while I could. I feel abandoned, unfair that she was taken again from me. I miss her so much and I don't regret that gave up my job for her. I am thankful to have been given the oppurtunity to care for my grandma and I would be willing to do it all again. Until now I cry myself to sleep, tears streaming while writing this, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. Right now I am terrified to step in a hospital again, afraid to work again, scared that I'd break down infront of a patient. My world is still at a standstill and I don't know how to go on and pick up the pieces. I just miss her so much. I feel different cause I think everyone is better but me. I still haven't let go. I sleep with the last piece of clothing she wore and her pillow. How do I return to what was before all these happened?
  2. my nan has been ill for a long time now, she had surgery to remove cancer and it worked but she's been in so much pain since that its caught up to her. She's been steadily losing weight, currently just over 6 stone fully clothed, and she's so frail its terrifying. I've always been so close to her and now I don't know what to do, I don't live close to her so I cant see her as often as I would like but at the moment she is having a lot of accidents like falling out of bed and getting hurt. She has made it clear she would never want to go to a hospice or a nursing home and we know she would die hating us if we forced her so we're in a very hard situation. I've not seen her for a few weeks due to work commitments and I feel horrible and like I'm a terrible person because if I'm honest..I'm scared. I know she had a fall recently and other family members had to phone an ambulance and my aunt was afraid to touch her as she is so skinny she doesn't want to hurt her. I'm scared to see my nan like that, she's asked other family to either downplay her situation or to just outright not tell me anything as she doesn't want to upset me being her granddaughter but I hate secrets so they have to tell me and it scares me more. Am I a horrible person? How do I face her and try and put on an act that everything is ok when I know its not?
  3. My dear grandmother passed away 3 and a half years ago on the 16/02/2012 when I was 15 years old. She sadly lost her battle with cancer and it broke me. She was my everything. The only one who understood me. From the day I was born she was there for me, and looked after me like a mother. I went round to sleep over her house once a week when I was little, creating precious memories that would never be forgotten. She was so special to me. I have tears streaming down my eyes typing this. Her death put me into a deep depression for the first year. I am now 19 and even though the pain gradually got better, I was never the same. I think about her every single day and have done since the day of her death. Recently, the pain has become a lot worse. Ive been dreaming about her and its giving me false hope as I wake up thinking i'll see her again. I cannot think about her without breaking down. Ive tried counselling which helped for a bit but now I feel as if im back to square one. I just refuse to believe she has gone forever. I feel like I need a way of speaking to her. I am going to see a medium and see if I can communicate through there. My biggest hope is to see her again once ive passed, is this likely? I am just not ready to give up and accept she is gone. There must be a way of making some sort of contact?? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Karys X
  4. My name is Collin, I'm a 22 year old college student, and I am grieving. On September 8th, 2014, my 54 year old father suddenly died in the early afternoon of a massive heart attack. I'm still numb. I've learned so much from it all, and yet, every day more feels so unbearable. 5 weeks later, I lost my 73 year old grandmother after a year long fight with cancer and injury. I miss them both, but it makes me feel almost guilty to say that I barely can feel the death of my grandma, even though we were so incredibly close, because I just lost my dad. I think I'm doing very well overall, and my support system says I'm doing amazingly "under the circumstances" Sometimes I'm afraid that I purposefully block him, and his death out of my mind as much as possible so that it hurts less. Then, I get nervous that I'm avoiding it all. But then again, I'm still in college, and I live a couple hours from home, and if I indulge my agony too much I would fall off the earth. I can't fall off the earth. I don't talk to my friends a lot about it, because they have nothing to say that isn't awkward or annoying, and it's sad because I know they don't mean it that way at all, and I know that they are hurting too for me...it just feels very lonely. I keep it going for him though. I love you so much Daddy
  5. Hi Everyone. I am new to this forum so please bear with me. My Grandma was rushed to hospital last Thursday - very quickly the doctors figured out that she has blood clots in her lungs and more moving up from her legs, secondary cancer in her liver and a primary cancer somewhere else. As she was so weak they said there was nothing they could do, and gave her 1 or 2 days to live. Naturally my sister and I, my mum and dad and my aunts and uncles rushed over to see her. On sunday evening she seemed very weak, wasn't eating, drinking or talking and could barely open her eyes. A lot of us had to go back to work, so my mum and dad stayed with us and the rest of us said very tearful goodbyes, thinking that would be the last time we saw her. Amazingly now over a week past and she is still with us. After spending most of the week asleep, yesterday my mum said she opened her eyes and spoke a few words, and even ate some ice cream! None of us know what to do or to think - is this the 'last hoorah' you hear about when people suddenly get better before they finally go, or is she gettting better? I just don't know how to cope - has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks for your time, Sx
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