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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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About Me

Found 9 results

  1. I lost all of my friends trust after I 2016 a lit changed less times to hang out with my brother and his friends and after a incident/fight in the 6th grade I'm am now accused of being a drug dealer and one of my best friends isn't aloud to be friends with me everyone admires me according to my teachers they look up to me for advice and they think of me as the cool kid knowing this just puts more pressure on me to fill that stereotype and I had a crush on a girl but she liked me before I cut all my hair off so that is making me feel dead my friend used me for my social class and I got assaulted by one of my bullies fathers after I called him a midget I get looked down upon by bullies parents yet I'm rarely interacting with them the bullies can't physically beat me but they get to me by using words and starting rumors so yeah I need help
  2. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  3. As anyone else had difficulty connecting with friends after a major loss? I lost my fiancé, and my friends were supportive at first, but they have really backed off now. I figured they thought maybe I needed space, so I invited them out. Even when we were together our conversations were awkward. Is this because I am such a different person than I was before this tragedy? It is very upsetting. I lived with my fiancé for two years, and now he is gone and I live alone. It is sooo lonely, especially in the evenings! Am I doing something wrong??
  4. I'm going to start off by saying this feels a bit crazy to me, i've never used a forum before, but i really feel like this is the only place i can turn to. Last october i found and collected a kitten that had been on sale from a farm about 40 minutes north of my home, and from the moment i first saw him I fell in love with him. I named him pablo, he was black and white, with jazzy patterns down his front legs. I promised him i'd look after him and love him always. From that moment on, Pablo was my best friend, my little baby cat. He slept on the pillow next to me tucked under my blanket, he sat on my shoulder, he walked in between my legs, i even used to sneak him tiny bits of cake (that was his fave). I'd only ever left him for two nights to go to paris for my 18th, i left him with my mom, she looked after him well and sent me lots of pictures. On wednesday i went away again, this time only to wales for two nights, Pablo was left with my mom again. I had a really great time, but walking back from the train station all i could think about was seeing Pabs again. As soon as i walked through the door my mom told me she wanted a word with me and took me into the lounge. She showed me this little cat, she had been talking about letting me have another one as a companion for pablo when i wasnt there, so i got really excited, until i realised pabs wasnt there. my mom told me that on wednsday night even though all of the windows were locked he'd somehow dissapeared and ran away, so i instantly wanted to look for him. She then changed her story and said that he'd died and council had taken him away and i couldnt see him again. It was all very overwhelming. All i could think of doing was calling my dad, my mom hadnt been making any sense and obviously i wanted to go look for my Pabs. After a few story changes i was finally told the truth (kind of) - My moms boyfried accidently let Pablo out on his way to work eart thursday morning, and he'd been hit by a car on the next street over. she told me the council had taken his body and he was gone, which devistated me, i wanted to give pablo a burrial and say sorry for leaving him, it would have never happened if i hadnt have left him. But driving towards my dad's house there in the middle of the road was pablo. relitivley flat, rotting in the middle of the road. my mother had left my baby to rot in the middle of the road for over a day and a half. honestly i've never been so heartbroken ever in my life, i feel really upset for pabs, nobody even put him out of his pain, they just left him. I collected him and wrapped him in his favorite blanket, and burried him under his favorite bit of grass in the garden. all i can do is cry, and i feel even more bad now as my mom has just tried to replace pabs with this new cat, but muffin will never be able to replace pablo, Pablo got me through some really tough times and was with me at some of my best. I hadn't even known him for a year but i thought we had so many left together. I really do love Pablo with all my heart and i hope wherever his afterlife has taken him he's happy, and he knows i love him so so much and i'll never ever forget him and the impact he's had on my life.
  5. I'm going to start off by saying this feels a bit crazy to me, i've never used a forum before, but i really feel like this is the only place i can turn to. Last october i found and collected a kitten that had been on sale from a farm about 40 minutes north of my home, and from the moment i first saw him I fell in love with him. I named him pablo, he was black and white, with jazzy patterns down his front legs. I promised him i'd look after him and love him always. From that moment on, Pablo was my best friend, my little baby cat. He slept on the pillow next to me tucked under my blanket, he sat on my shoulder, he walked in between my legs, i even used to sneak him tiny bits of cake (that was his fave). I'd only ever left him for two nights to go to paris for my 18th, i left him with my mom, she looked after him well and sent me lots of pictures. On wednesday i went away again, this time only to wales for two nights, Pablo was left with my mom again. I had a really great time, but walking back from the train station all i could think about was seeing Pabs again. As soon as i walked through the door my mom told me she wanted a word with me and took me into the lounge. She showed me this little cat, she had been talking about letting me have another one as a companion for pablo when i wasnt there, so i got really excited, until i realised pabs wasnt there. my mom told me that on wednsday night even though all of the windows were locked he'd somehow dissapeared and ran away, so i instantly wanted to look for him. She then changed her story and said that he'd died and council had taken him away and i couldnt see him again. It was all very overwhelming. All i could think of doing was calling my dad, my mom hadnt been making any sense and obviously i wanted to go look for my Pabs. After a few story changes i was finally told the truth (kind of) - My moms boyfried accidently let Pablo out on his way to work eart thursday morning, and he'd been hit by a car on the next street over. she told me the council had taken his body and he was gone, which devistated me, i wanted to give pablo a burrial and say sorry for leaving him, it would have never happened if i hadnt have left him. But driving towards my dad's house there in the middle of the road was pablo. relitivley flat, rotting in the middle of the road. my mother had left my baby to rot in the middle of the road for over a day and a half. honestly i've never been so heartbroken ever in my life, i feel really upset for pabs, nobody even put him out of his pain, they just left him. I collected him and wrapped him in his favorite blanket, and burried him under his favorite bit of grass in the garden. all i can do is cry, and i feel even more bad now as my mom has just tried to replace pabs with this new cat, but muffin will never be able to replace pablo, Pablo got me through some really tough times and was with me at some of my best. I hadn't even known him for a year but i thought we had so many left together. I really do love Pablo with all my heart and i hope wherever his afterlife has taken him he's happy, and he knows i love him so so much and i'll never ever forget him and the impact he's had on my life.
  6. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it goes on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help.. I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  7. Hello all, This is my first post & I can honestly say I wish I wasn't a "member" of this group. I in no way mean that to be hurtful I just cannot believe I have lost my father. My dad was my best friend. He was my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. When my parents divorced when I was 15 I stayed with Dad. When I got pregnant at 16, it was my father who helped me. He was my rock. My world was safe because he was in it & right now I feel so completley lost. I find the mornings to be the hardest because I awake to realize it's all real. He's really gone. He lived with my brother who took such good care of him. If it weren't for my brother Dad wouldn't have gotten his wish to die at home. Dad died of colorectal cancer. That Damn Cancer - it ruins so many lives. But no matter what, it cannot steal away our memories. Im not sure what else to say - just looking for some support. Trying to find a new "normal" & having a really hard time doing it. Thanks for taking the time to read this. - Elizabeth
  8. YOU RAISE ME UP

    I will never forget the first time I heard Lily sing. She was around 18 months old and sitting in her car seat behind me as we drove home. Josh Grobin’s “You raise me up”, came on the radio and it was so inspiring that Lily felt compelled to sing along with the golden voice of an angel. I remember having a little tear in my eye at the time. I was so proud and honoured to have such a treasure to call my own daughter; a soul so pure and beautiful. Three weeks after Lily died, we visited my brother and were at his girlfriend’s family home when the same Josh Grobin song came on the radio. I had been being as cheery as possible with all these lovely people I was spending time with and concentrating on feeling Lily in spirit alongside me. But this song came on and I simply could not contain my emotion. I cried, I balled, I wailed, right in front of a room full of people which quickly became silent except for my hysterical crying. There was no consoling me. The looks of shock and helplessness on these friends faces is permanently etched in my mind. They simply had no idea of the sheer desperation and utter emptiness I felt without my precious Lily with me. At that point I realised, yes I am spiritual but I am also human and the human heart is a deep and vast place. If you feel like wailing do it. Don’t try to hide from the tears, they are cleansing and can wash away the sadness leaving you refreshed and able to take a few more steps forward towards healing. So I’d like to say “Here’s to you my lovely Lily. You raise me up every day, in my attempts to feel you with me as I know you are. You raise me up in the stories I share in my desire to ease other’s grief in honour of you. You raise me up in my determination to make something meaningful from my loss. And my darling Lily you raise me up in my expectation of seeing you again when I am finished with this beautiful life.” "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Grobin When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. There is no life - no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But when you come and I am filled with wonder, Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be. You raise me up... To more than I can be.
  9. "HELLO FROM HEAVEN" novella inspired by true events. I am a 20 year old author of 3 books. This novella is inspired by true events, based on my own experiences of losing a friend to suicide last October. So far, it has had praise of teaching the most valuable lessons on life and death, friendship and family, and how to overcome all adversities. I wrote it to help and inspire others who have struggled like I have, and who have been left behind by those we loved. I am trying to work with suicide prevention programs to donate the proceeds everytime HfH is sold. ABOUT 'HfH': "In San Luis Obispo, California, high school student Alexa Van Buren is a seventeen year old girl suffering under a neglectful drug-using mother. Estranged from her father and depressed because of her broken family, “Lexi” is forced to take on the motherly role and care for her younger seven year old sister. Then suddenly her childhood friend, Jaden, takes his own life and Lexi falters under the five stages of grief as she mourns his untimely death. But only days after his suicide, Jaden somehow messages Lexi online, asking her to stop his brother from committing an immoral feat that would surely ruin him. Lexi is then thrust into a near-impossible mission as she tries to expose the conspiracy of the suicide while also risking her own life as she tries to save the brother Jaden left behind. Described as"touching", "marvelous", "beautiful in every word," and "literature that gives hope to the angels," Hello from Heaven will leave you breathless as its lovable characters and heart-wrenching conflicts preach the vital morals on life, death and how to overcome when the two are mixed." READ HERE FOR FREE: http://www.scribd.co...llo-From-Heaven I hope and pray my words can help a life or two. Thank you for reading. Keep smiling. -Haylee Graham www.hayleegrahambooks.webs.com @hayleegeebooks on Twitter
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