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Found 13 results

  1. My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.
  2. Last month, my fiancé and I were in a horrific car accident. He was driving and had some sort of stroke or seizure (still waiting on final results of the exam). His head went down at the steering wheel, but his foot was still hard on the gas pedal. We crossed the median of a freeway and hit a tractor trailer on the wrong side so hard that it rolled over. I only have fragmented memories of what happened after the impact. They say I remained conscious most of the time but was in severe shock. We were both med-flighted, separately, to a trauma center. They told me he died in the helicopter. The fact that I was not with him when he passed away adds to my agony. I feel like I'm in the worst imaginable nightmare, and I never get to wake up. I don't even know if we spoke to each other or if I got to lay beside him as they worked to save us. My injuries were fairly severe, so I was in the hospital for a full week, and then a rehab facility for another ten days. Once I was okayed to be discharged, my parents flew out (they live in another state) and took me back to their house. I am able to walk again now but still can't use my arm, so I'm not able to live independently yet. And what does that even mean now? I don't want to live without him, anywhere. Now that I'm here at my parents', I feel like my grief is only getting worse and worse. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't find the motivation to get "better"... he was my best friend, we were never apart. Being with him was the first time I ever felt truly spiritual. Every morning, he would get up first and make out coffee, and then come back to bed and lay next to me. I would curl up beside him and say a silent prayer, every time, genuinely thanking God for bringing him into my life, for making me so incredibly happy, and begging Him to never let that change. Now I'm struggling with my faith and understanding where the love of my life is. There are days were I still refuse to believe he is gone... and then it comes crashing down on me and I feel like I can't even breathe. Today is his birthday. We were supposed to be married at the end of June; we were going to be on our honeymoon now. I'm 31 years old and I feel like I am facing an eternity of waiting to be with him again. How does this ever possibly get better? Im sorry for the long post; I just needed to get that out. I feel so alone and desperate.
  3. Death of a Fiance

    sharing stories of people grieving over death of fiance
  4. Reaching Out

    Hello everyone. I'm reaching out because I need support so badly. I lost my partner on December 2, 2016. He was my boyfriend. We had plans to get married, but neither of us had enough money to even think seriously about a wedding, so we were never officially engaged. But we had already made promises to each other and we knew that what we had was the real deal. What happened was horrible. Jason was in a building that caught fire. He died of smoke inhalation. I've never actually said that out loud or written it until just now. I had talked to him earlier that day and we had told each other how much we loved each other. I still can't make sense of what happened. I lost my best friend and my favorite thing about the world. I was seriously considering suicide until last week, when something changed and I had stopped thinking that way. I just want to be with him so badly. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, but I just need to try something. I'm going to school in France and I miss my family and friends so much. I don't have anyone here who I can really talk to.
  5. As anyone else had difficulty connecting with friends after a major loss? I lost my fiancé, and my friends were supportive at first, but they have really backed off now. I figured they thought maybe I needed space, so I invited them out. Even when we were together our conversations were awkward. Is this because I am such a different person than I was before this tragedy? It is very upsetting. I lived with my fiancé for two years, and now he is gone and I live alone. It is sooo lonely, especially in the evenings! Am I doing something wrong??
  6. Just six days ago, my fiance came to bed and within a few minutes had a heart attack,. I called 911 and they instructed me to pull him to the floor and do chest compressions. He was not breathing and the compressions seemed to have no effect. Finally EMS came and worked on him for some time with no luck. FInally after he was in the ambulance they got his heart beating and he was breathing on his own. At the emergency room the doctor told me he was stable and was movign him to a better hospital with a cardiac program. AFter hours in the cath lab the doctor told me the did restore some of the blood flow but my fiance would most likely have brain damage. About a half hour later the nurse took me to see him in the ICU and basically told me nothing else could be done they needed to contact his parents.They had to keep him on life support for hours until his sister could arrive. he coded 5 times until they were no longer able to revive him. I want to see if anyone else out there has eperience this with a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance or spouse. Family members too but I think its a little different when its your partner. I really need to talkto someone who had the heartattack happen while you were with your loved one.
  7. Finding the strength to move on...

    My finance passed away in the night. I woke up one morning and he had been gone for several hours. I feel like I am still in the first stages of grief and it has been 5 1/2 months since he passed. I still cry every day just about. I took 3 months off of work but had to go back. I am very lonely but can't imagine moving on with someone else. His presence is every where in our home. All I have wanted is to be with him but don't want to hurt my family. Counseling didn't help. It actually made it worse for me for several days afterward. I have no desire to get out of bed, interact with my family, go to school (I teach), or pay my bills...nothing. I really don't care about anything except my thoughts of him. I know this is selfish but I can't seem to get past it. I see a Dr. tomorrow to try to get my depression meds adjusted. If anyone has any suggestions, any would be welcomed.
  8. 2+ Years

    I am new to this forum, and never really thought about joining an online forum until my therapist recommended it. It has been more than two years since my fiancé and soul mate died in a car accident along with another friend of mine. While I have seen some progress in myself in terms of living life, I am still incredibly grief stricken. I feel very isolated still, as if the world just moving on and I am just watching it. It is so hard to find joy in things. I am hoping that the forum will let me know that there are others out there who have a similar experience—who experienced a sudden loss of a partner who was young. And, if two years later, they still feel the way I do. I would appreciate it if anyone could just empathize with such a loss.
  9. Hi everyone, Let me first tell you who I am. I am the girl who had this profile 1 year ago: http://forums.grievi...oidsarefaraway/ I wish I could write these under the same nickname as it would make more sense. But at the time I found this site I was desperately looking for some help but at the same time I did not want anyone to reveal my identity thus I registered myself with another mail ad that I don't even remember now:) Anyways here we go: Please check my old posts under the nick of asteroidsarefaraway before you read these lines. This will be my last post here. I am writing these not for myself but for the people whose loved ones killed themselves. I remember that when I first logged in here, my first intention was to read some lines saying "it will be all right, it will pass, time really heals it all". I remember reading so many stories desperately to find some comfort. Anyways probably it was so fresh and it did not work out for me at that time. So I decided to stand up. The feeling of anger just passed away. I could not stand being angry at someone who was no longer there. I could not fight with a dead person. I could not hate him. I had to forgive him. (However when I told this to his aunt on the phone, she got mad at me saying her son did not do anything wrong to be forgiven..) Anyways everyone has their own ways to deal with pain. And for some it is to pick a black sheep and put the blame on them. So I was it. I had to deal with my pain but also I had to deal with the feeling of being blamed by someone. I have always been a person who would be called as "the sunshine in the room". Seriously, I am not saying this to compliment myself. I hate people saying good things about themselves but I really was one of that people.. My family used to love having me at home, they used to call me "the joy of the house". My friends were calling me when they needed to laugh. I was this person who was never life taking seriously however loved taking care of people. I took a lot of care of my boyfriend when he was having hard times. I was always there for him. Always. I was there when he fought with his family, I was there to change his mind when he told me he hated them, I was there when he was fed up with everything. He was always telling me how he could not keep going if I was not there for him. He always used to thank me for doing more than I should have done. His family and his families' friends used to compliment me all the time saying I was a little girl with a huge heart and it was obvious that I was really in love with him like crazy. He was not an easy type. He used to criticise people a lot, he was never medically diagnosed with borderline disorder but when I told my shrink about him he said I was with a borderline disorder. By the way another weird thing is that when I was with him, we had a fight one day and he abused me 1 year before his death. So I went to a therapist and told him about what had happened and asked for help saying "I am in love with him but I know I have to leave him so please help me". My therapist told me what I was telling him about my fiancé were the signs of "borderline disorder personality" so I had to decide if I wanted to deal with it or not. So I decided to keep going thinking I would change him and cure him… So I ended up on the same coach 1 year later that session. I ended up there and told my shrink that "he had killed himself" when had had asked me "so did you break up with him..".. Probably it was a horrible experience for the therapist as well. When his mother died, their family friends came to me and thanked me for taking care of them. They asked me how could anyone in life do all those things for love. I did.. Because I loved him and I loved the people who loved him. Anyways. Then I was blamed for his suicide.. His aunt told me that "maybe if you were not there that night he would not kill himself". However she does not know that one night before his mother died he had the same crisis and tried to kill himself.. And I calmed him down that night. I put him to sleep and told him everything would be okay. He asked me to stay with him the other morning so I took the week off and stayed with him, went to hospital with him to visit his mother and everything… He tried to kill himself before or threatened me with death when we fought. I never took that threats seriously because he was one of the smartest and coolest guys ever. I was always thinking that he was not being serious. I remember once when we fought and I left his house to go to mine and I was not responding his calls. He sent me this whatsapp message. It was a photo. It was a photo of his feet. When I called him to ask what it was he told me he was sitting at the edge of the window to throw himself and he sent me that message.. I even did not take that thing serious at that time. And by the way he threw himself by the very same window that night… So as you can see, life is not always fair and people can be really mean sometimes. I decided not to talk. Although he always used to blame his family and tell me all the private stuff of his family. And in my experience they were weird and horrible stuff however I decided to shut up and not to blame people. I decided to keep it silent and understand that everyone had their own ways to deal with pain and this is how they were living it. By blaming the girl who was in love with their son like crazy. And who witnessed his killing himself in front of her. Anyways ok I keep going now: By the way probably some of you had understood that english is not my first language so sorry for the grammar mistakes etc.. So, I decided to live my life. I saw that world was not fair and there were bad people but also there were amazing people in it. I decided to stand up for the people who loved me. I decided to give them old me. So I got back to work almost 2 months later then his death. Not to my old work but to another lighter work. I was working with the vulnerable community. I was helping them, listening to their stories. It was really helping me. I was not delaying my pain or anything but I was seeing that I was not the only one which the world was not fair with. I was never a believer. I never had any faith in any religions. I have faith in my, my family and my friends. For me it is the best religion ever. So I believed in me. Some mornings I was waking up with horrible feelings, thinking I had the right to stay in bed and depressed all over the year. But then I was thinking of my family and friends who would be happy to have breakfast with me. Then after an hour I was finding myself on a breakfast table having breakfast with them and smiling. I was running. I was really running a lot. I was always exercising before the incident. I was going to the gym at least like 3 times a day. Thus I got back to that routine. Whenever I felt down I was going to the gym, telling my trainer not to ask me anything and running for like an hour by listening to music. (ok I have to admit that sometimes I was listening to angry music:) It really worked out quite good for me. I could sleep perfectly well. Ok I have to admit that I was also smoking to feel better. And nope it does not help at all to smoke stuff:) Now I am trying to quit:) After 5 months, I went to his grave with my best friend. I talked to him silently and told him "I am sorry this is the last time I am here. I hope you will understand me if you can feel me anyways. Goodbye… Have a nice sleep. And don't forget that I loved you". Then I left a yellow rubber duck on his grave (which we used to love a lot) and left there knowing that I will never get back there. On the other hand I felt numb. I knew he was there under the ground. I dreamed of the times he used to sleep next to me. And tried to think that he was there looking the same. I could not touch him, I could not tell him to wake him up and hold me, I could not whisper in his hear "good morning". So I felt numb. It felt meaningless to be there. Then I realised couple of days later that it was not actually meaningless, I misunderstood the feeling of being desperate and interpreted it as feeling meaningless. Anyways, feeling that made me walk away even more powerful. There was something that I could never ever change and I could be either desperate or I could be strong and hopeful. I picked the second one. I will never get back to his grave. I will never talk to him again. And anyways, if he can feel me he would feel me anywhere… I would not suggest you to do the same but think of it. I guess it all depends on you to decide. And also your faith as well. Anyways then I decided to be "Yes MAN". I was kinda accepting every offer by friends and family. I was going out, getting drunk, going to movies, gatherings, dinners etc. I was also meeting new people, having new friendships. I have to admit that sometimes it helps a lot to talk about your pain to a stranger. It worked for me. I was telling my story. I was not hiding it or anything. I was heart broken and a mess but it was not something to be ashamed of. It could have happened to them as well. I was just an unlucky one. I stopped blaming myself thanks to the EMDR treatment. If you have read my previous posts you will see that I did not want to take any antidepressants thus EMDR treatment was working perfectly for me. My biggest antidepressants were running, family gatherings, friends and new people. They were working perfectly well. Then time passed… On the 6th month of my loss I wrote a thank you mail to everyone who were there for me. I thanked everyone one by one. And it was also another experience. Then time passed. It has been over a year now. I have a brand new job now. A job that was offered to me by someone who I worked with before. I am done with a lighter job. I am ready for more serious stuff. And now I have a good career path with cool opportunities. However I can never ever spend my life doing boring stuff. Because I saw life can change in 15 secs. You can change in 15 secs. You can hit the bottom in 15 secs. So now I do not take life serious more than necessary. And the funny things is that when I laugh, I laugh really really out loud. It is an instinct. I lost my smile and laugh for a while and it took quite a lot to gain them back so now I have every right to laugh out loud:) I make jokes.. By the way I stopped going to my therapist. Well, for the beginning I was going every week for like 7 months then he switched it to twice in a month and now I haven't been there for the last 2 months. I will go this week to thank him and tell him to be there when I need him but not to schedule regular sessions anymore. I have to tell you that I love this sentence of my shrink "everyone will question you when you move on, for some it can be fast for some it can seem unnatural but remember that this is your "normal" and this is the way you deal with it.". It was true. Find your way of "normal" and deal with your pain. Do not care what others think of you. I think you have gone through quite sad, painful thing that none has the right to judge you. I mean it. Do not let people judge you. Do not people underestimate you. There was this old woman at work, once she asked me how I was doing and I told her I was feeling perfectly fine. She looked at me in a weird way and told "yes but what you went through is something that you will never feel full again and will always make you sad". It was a weird moment. Then I thought probably she lived something like this or even less she lost someone she used to love and this is what she is feeling right now. It was not motivating at all. So ignore those sayings. Remember, everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff and also the incidents in your lifetime will differ from other people's life time events. Furthermore, understand that you might not feel better in 1 year like me now. Maybe for you it will take 8 months or 2 years. It is fine. Accept your own "normal" and go with it. Well there is a minor thing about me and my sense of humour.. I had chosen to deal with it by being not serious. I made lots and lots of jokes. I made fun of myself and my tragedy. So yes it was fun for me but later on I realised I was scaring the hell out of people. Some of them confessed later that they thought I was taking pills secretly or I lost it. My shrink warned me not to scare people away by those jokes. And maybe to make them only to people who really knew me. Well he was right. Telling new colleagues that "if a guy is alive then that is all you need to date with him, you should not ask for more" was not a funny joke at all. But I had really and really over done sarcasm.. Anyways I am taking it easy on sarcasm and jokes now:) I know I still did not answer your biggest question because it was also my question at that time: Am I still in love with him? No. I am not. Somehow the feeling of love just faded away. It was proportionate with the feeling of not deserving what had happened. I found myself not thinking of our good times together but at the same time I was not thinking about bad times either. By the way let me tell you this: You will think of that moment, that day, him every day of your life. I am not saying you that you will forget everything and you will forget him. No my friend, unfortunately you do not. But let me put it in this way: When it first happened there were like 45 candles in me. Burning. Burning. But now I only have 1 candle in me. It is there, it hurts sometimes but then I accepted its existence. It will always be there. However it is not enough for me not to live my life. What he has done was unfair. But actually if you are reading this now and your loved one had committed a suicide without being mean to you, I would say then it is not totally the same experience. My fiancé had done it while we were fighting.. So maybe he wanted to punish me, maybe he felt really guilty because he attacked me and hurt me that night or maybe he just had the urge of doing it finally after various attempts. I don't know. So for me it was easy to stop loving I guess… I have recently threw everything away. I have no longer our rings, gave all his presents to poor children and girls. I have nothing left from him. Because that candle inside me is more than enough for me to remember him. Am I angry at him? Well no not anymore. I stopped asking why and I stopped blaming him. He was a good, nice person. He was really something. He was different. So it happened. No more questions. And somehow I knew that if he had seen all these he would understand my going on with my life. But I will never understand what can be the reason to leave your loved ones behind and waste your life. I know it was not an act of a healthy state of mind but still.. Anyways. I gave that decision that night when I saw him falling down the balcony. I asked myself "should I do it as well?" Then something inside me told "NO." So I decided to stay at that very moment. And I am glad I did it. Because he was not the only one who loved me. I have my family and friends for whom I stayed. I want to have children and I know I will (not necessarily by getting married, I might also adopt:) I want to have a daughter and 2 boys. I want to tell them about my biggest pain when they grow up. I want to tell them that anything can happen to anyone but they will be fine because I raised them as strong children. My children will be full of love and they will be strong. They will be like their mother and their mother's mother who was always with her daughter when she was suffering. They will learn to be good friends because I will tell them what my friends have done for me when I needed them. And now I know you have been wondering about something else: Have I been with someone? Yes I have someone in my life now. It's been quite new. I have been hesitating about a new relationship though. But I just left it to the flow. I know I am loved and appreciated and the person I am with respects my past and me. So let's see what's gonna happen by the time passes. I feel excited when my phone rings, I get excited when he kisses me. I am looking for going on a holiday with him and all.. This is all. I want you to understand that you will be fine and you will be happy. But it is all in your hands to do it. You have to challange your brain, your abilities, your power. You have to stick to the people who love you. You have to talk, tell. You have to share it. You have to yell… You have to scream out loud when you want to. You have to believe in yourself. You have to accept that you had been unlucky but it will not ruin your whole life. You should not keep all the candles burning. You should let the time and yourself to put them out. Stop pitying yourself. You have already gone through a horrible thing that you have not deserved. Yes your loved one had killed him/herself. But it was not because he/she wanted to punish you to anything else. You have nothing to do with it. I have seen desperate women who were raped and were pregnant to the rapist's baby, I have seen a young woman who had a mentally disabled child and no house.. I have seen so many people who actually had the right to give up and kill themselves but still haven't done it. Because we all know that giving up and killing yourself is only possible in a different mental situation or a crisis. So no, you haven't caused it. And your acting different would not change the situation. He/she would do it some other time under different circumstances. Accept it. Respect yourself. You had already more than you should have gone through so stop harming yourself more. Stop asking yourself "what if" questions. They would not change anything. Well maybe one thing would have changed something: If you have never been with him/her you would not be in this pain now but on the other hand you lived so many good things together no? You have shared lots of good moments no? So understand that nothing would have change anything if you had done something differently. Stand up, start your day. Be with the people you love. Use your anger to exercise. Talk to people, share it.. Dream.. Dream..Dream. And when you smile, smile more because you lost that smile once:) Gain your smile back and share it with the people you love. They are worth it. And they are all waiting to see you smile. Don't ignore that last candle in you. Let it burn.. Whatever he/she had done to him/her self, and you, he/she still deserves to be remembered by you. Don't ignore it. Just accept to live with it. I will never get back to this forum because it makes me sad that other people also go through similar pains and what I can do for them is quite limited and I think this is the only thing I can do.. I told my story, I shared my experience and more importantly I tried to tell you that it will really and really pass if you want it to pass and let the time take care of it. You will end up really strong and peaceful. Give yourself that chance. Do not waste your life because your life is still going on now. Just because you got unlucky once does not give you the right to spoil your life. Enjoy it. Seriously, if you really want to waste it then at least do it properly. Be a voyager and travel under hard circumstances till the very end or whatsoever:) Just do it properly that when you look back you will not regret wasting your time over a sad incident that found you. Believe me. You will be really fine if you let yourself. And if you even have one person who appreciates you and loves you, no matter who that person is (it can be your friend, your family member, your kid, your dog, your primary school friend, your grand dad whoever..) then at least do it for that person or people. They deserve to see you happy and they deserve to enjoy good moments with you. Anyways so even if you reply to this forum or send me messages I will not see them. This will end up like my first account. I will forget my password and the mail I registered here:) I am doing this because I do not want to look back in anger anymore. So repeating my experience over and over will not do good to me. I am someone who is fed up with repeating herself (probably because of my mother who loves to repeat and repeat the same stories:))) Anyways, just know that I will be somewhere and pretty happy. And please do the same thing. And one day, when you catch yourself laughing out loud than you are used to, remember me as well:) And please laugh one more time for both of us… Good Luck:)
  10. My fiance was 33 when he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep and it is his 34th birthday this Sunday. I am dreading it but doing my best to cope with all of these new firsts. We were together for 9 and a half years (engaged for the last 4 of those). Unfortunately time ran out for us, we had finally set a date for September to get married in Sri Lanka. Our problem was trying to get at least our immediate family in one place as they are spread out all over the globe. We have been living abroad in various countries over the past 7 years, Vietnam was only meant to be one stop on the way - but it was the final one for my fiercely funny, witty, kind, sardonic fiance. This has been a huge shock to everyone. Just the night before, we were out having a good time with friends. He was in good spirits and things were looking great - after living in Vietnam for 4 years we were making plans to moving onto the next adventure and the next place. The next morning, he was dead in bed. It's just inexplicable and random and I am hating it when people say that everything happens for a reason . There is absolutely no comfort in that platitude. We had a hell of a time getting him out of Vietnam and back home. However, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful and tight knit group of family and friends. While it was hectic, difficult, traumatic - we all drew strength from each other. I guess you have to count your blessings when you are in a situation like this - I work at a university and was able to take a semester off ( no questions asked). We had lovely memorials in both countries (Vietnam and home) and friends all over the world are grieving and have sent lovely messages and tributes. The support and love has been amazing. I am now back in Vietnam, I have my friends checking up on me. I've gone off for a week's retreat to an Ashram with a focus on meditation and yoga. I've moved out of our apartment we shared and have found a new one that I will be moving into shortly. I go out and can still laugh and feel pleasure at being alive. Underneath it all though, there is a permanent underlying sadness that my soul mate, my partner in crime, the one person who truly knew me is no longer in the world. It is unbelievable. I feel he is still around somehow though, he was always good at making things happen. To make things go smoothly. While I have friends who are good listeners and very tactful and comforting, none of them have gone through what I'm going through now. While they can try to empathize, it isn't the same as talking to someone who is going through this grief journey. My friends are starting their own young families too and I do look at them enviously. Luke's death has shaken them up, and they say they feel differently about life and aren't taking anything for granted. I'm glad for that gift. I wish we had children, we thought we had all the time in the world. Just so sad. I thought I would post on this forum, just to meet a few people who are going through their own grief journeys. Reading your stories strikes a cord within me and I am experiencing alot of what many of you have written. Anyhow, we are going to throw a birthday party at his local and favorite pub here on Sunday - so that should be nice even though it is sad that he won't be here to enjoy it. Take care of yourselves everyone, looking forward to meeting some of you here. Shanti
  11. My fiance Gordon took his life June 10th of this year. And since that day I hardly feel anything except rage. I usually only cry because I'm so angry that he did this. It feels spiteful and revengeful. I hate him for what he did, but I love him so much. I just want to hold him. A few days ago I cried. I just cried. I wasn't angry, or hurt, just sad. This has never happened before. It has taken 6 months for me to feel simply sad about his death. I cried with my dad for nearly 4 hours. I also had a feeling of desperation. I tried to contact all the people I am close to and talk to them. It makes me feel selfish to do this, so I usually keep my pain to myself. But I needed comfort. I got a lot of help that day. It is wonderful to know that when I feel my most weak there was someone there for me. I even have a new friend, she's new to the site. I am hoping the angry will be less now and I can function better. I just want to get through my days without feeling lost and alone. I want to feel loved, and I want to be free to love. I was afraid to cry before because I didn't want people to think I was broken or weak. But now I don't care. I'll cry when I want.
  12. I'm relieved to find a site like this.... On November 1, 2012, my fiance Lee was killed in a car accident while we were on our way home. Long story short, I'm an instructor and trainer at a gym in my area and we were leaving the gym together, only I was 30 seconds in front of him driving. We were on the phone, I was using my Bluetooth and he had me on speaker (volume was messed up and we couldn't pair his bluetooth with his phone). Long story short, 10 minutes from our house he started saying, "This truck is stomping, this truck is stomping.....hold on a second..." The next thing I knew, I hear gears shifting hard and fast and then a loud bang, followed by a bunch of noise. I started screaming for his name....I heard him take 2 breaths and then nothing....then I hear people's voices near the phone and I turned the van around and drove back and saw his car smashed against a utility pole that had snapped in half. I went into shock, chaos erupted, EMT showed up in less than 5 minutes...my BF and her husband sped me to the hospital where I met his family, and the doctor said he was gone....no heartbeat at the scene, immediate CPR.....police are still investigating....something doesn't add up My world just buckled beneath me, along with my knees. I'm in therapy now, I can't get that scene out of my head, I can't believe he is gone. I haven't been back to work. He was the best thing that ever happened to me after my failed marriage...he was so giving, made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, treated me and my 4 kids like gold (two have autism), made breakfast for us everyday, I came home often times to candlelit dinners....countless people at the gym have told me that when he looked at me each time, it was like he was looking at me for the first time......constant flirting, passion, we had fun together, my ex-husband even ran to the hospital hysterical after my BF's husband told him what was happening......ex-husband actually started declaring right there at the hospital to everyone "He was the best father to my children" which says a lot... I miss him.....I hate this....he is gone.....the sadness is so suffocating.....I can't stop crying....I miss my soulmate......
  13. I feel to young for this

    Hello all. I'm a 25 year old grad student, getting my masters in Aquaculture. My fiance, Gordon, and I were in the program together. We had been together for more than 4 years when he killed himself, June 10, 2012. I loved him so much. We were inseparable since we first met. But we both fought our own demons. I struggled with past abuse, he never felt good enough or that anything really mattered. But together we were getting better. We enjoyed life and each other. In 2010 we got engaged just before graduating from undergrad. A year later we moved to start the grad program. I was accepted first and spent nearly 6 months apart from him in the new area. He was often upset with me when I missed his phone call, or spent time with the people he didn't know yet. But eventually we were together again in our first apartment. Grad school is a high stress situation and he just didn't deal with it well. We both had work to do that separated us most of the day, including weekends. But if he had work to do after hours he expected me to stay with him in his lab or office and just wait. If I was there after hours I had to contact him all the time. He was very upset if I was on campus past 5, especially if I was working with someone else in the lab with me. I often worked with a partner because the chemicals were still new to me and I tend to be clumsy. He didn't like going out with the other students like I did. We (about 6-10 other students/significant others) would get together almost every weekend. At first he would tag along, but that soon fizzled out. Eventually the other stopped asking where he was. Gordon would go into very dark phases. He would get into these moods where he would refuse to talk to me, or even look at me unless we were in public. In front of others he was attentive and loving. At home he was dark and distant. He would go weeks at a time of not talking to me or touching me. Sometimes he would just stare at me while I napped. He decided that we would move into my friend's house. Emily worked on campus and we had become close. The rent was cheap, but I was concerned that someone would see that the relationship wasn't really doing well. It was a very private thing for me. The good thing was that I now had a buffer zone, someone I could go to when Gordon was in his moods. Things just got worse. He had days that he had a lot of energy and could be fun, but then he would go right back to dark and sad. He would start arguments over nothing, but they wouldn't end until I apologized and tried to make it up to him. Things got much worse after March 2012. I spent a week with my mom wedding planning. When I got back he was just irritated about everything. He complained about my weight (which was ridiculous, I was 5'9" and 150). But I wasn't confident so I tried to loose weight. He started working later hours and I was often left home alone. I was tired of being alone so I started spending time at the other student's houses. Gina and Dan were my favorite people to go see. Second was Kyle, he lived in the same apartment complex. So when Gina and Dan moved in April I spent more time with Kyle. Kyle, Gordon, and I did a lot together when Gordon was available. When he wasn't it was often just me and Kyle (sometimes one other would join us). It was my time with Kyle that made me realize how Gordon was treating me. He had taken control of my life, down to what snack I was allowed to have. So I started resisting. The first time i rebelled was at a party. Kyle, Scott (another student) and I were just talking and drinking. Making plans to go to one of the bars. Gordon came up to me and we went outside to talk. I don't remember exactly what happened other than he pushed me. I hit the ground pretty hard and was startled. I told him that he pushed me and started sobbing. He told me that I simply fell and helped me up. He hurt my wrists as we stood there arguing about what happened. I finally just said "Fine, I fell, just take me home." I was too embarrassed to go back inside and let the boys see me cry. Every time there was an argument after that I ended up getting hurt. My breaking point was one morning were he decided to pull out our hunting rifle. I ran as fast as I could to get out of the house and into my car. But he apologized so much that I came home to him. But I packed a bug-out bag and kept it in my car. It took another month for me to end the relationship. June 9, 2012, 3pm I told him things were over. I told him we could not get married and that he needed help. I went to Kyle's house (he now lived with 2 other students). There was a party that night so I tried to have some fun. I ended up telling a girl there about some of the emotional abuse. She told me I could stay with her if I needed. She tried to stop me from going home the next day, but I insisted that I would be fine. When I got home his car was in the drive way, so I snuck into the house hoping he would think it was just Emily or our other roommate Scott. I slept off my hangover on the couch. It wasn't until noon that I really woke up. I sat up on the couch because my cat kept bothering me. Once I sat up I realized that Gordon hadn't gotten up. He should have at least gotten up to go to the bathroom, he should have gone to work. But the room door was still closed over. So I went to the door and pushed it open. It was dark and he was sitting on the floor. But then I saw the rifle and my eyes focused on him. He was dead. I ran to Emily and yelled that Gordon was dead. I fell to the floor. Since then so much has happened that it is taking time to piece together exactly what happened before and after his death. I lost my love, my home, and a lot of my friends. I feel completely insane sometimes. I just feel like I'm too young for this.