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  1. Father passed away 1/30/18

    On January 30th, my dad had a heart attack and passed away. My Dad was an alcoholic; I’m not sure how long he had been dealing with addiction, but I became aware of it in the summer of 2017, after several fights broke out between my mom and him, where she called him out for constantly being drunk. My father struggled with many medical conditions: depression, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, eczema, and others that he wouldn’t tell us about. He was also very bad at taking his medicines, and was off his blood pressure medication. My family and I believe he had congestive heart failure, due to the fact that he had many symptoms. One of them is swelling of the legs, which he was prescribed medication to stop the swelling, but he didn’t take it for the last week he was alive, leaving him in terrible pain. On January 29th at 11 pm, he had a heart attack in the bathroom. My brother called the police and they did cpr on him for about 45 minutes, but it didn’t work. He was pronounced officially dead around 12 am on January 30th. I feel relief now that he’s gone. I’m relieved he isn’t causing my family anymore pain and he isn’t causing himself anymore pain. I’m also terrible sad. I’m mourning my father and grieving the father that I never had and will never have. It’s been 2 weeks and I still can’t help but feel like he isn’t actually dead. When i was getting ready for his visitation, I almost knocked on his door to tell him to start getting ready. I know it’s in my head, but I swear I keep seeing him for a split second and then he’s gone. is it normal to feel like this? I feel guilty for being relieved that he died. I miss him terribly, but I don’t miss having to worry about coming home to him being drunk.
  2. I am heartbroken. I am 31 years old and I lost my mother a month ago on 1/7/18. It was sudden and unexpected. She was vacationing in Colombia with my family who lives there. Somehow during the holidays she contracted meningitis and was gone within a week of feeling ill. It was so hard because no one knew what was really going on with her until it was too late. I was unable to make it to her in time due to Avianca airlines canceling my and my sisters flights. I had to have doctors disconnect her from life support via facetime. That was how I had to say goodbye to my mom. The images of seeing the doctors turn off the machines replay over and over in my mind. I begged her to forgive me for not being there to say goodbye to her. I have this incredible sense of guilt because I encouraged her to go to Colombia for the holidays. I also feel guilt because had she stayed here in the U.S. she would still be alive for me to hold her, kiss her, joke with her, hug her even as silly as it sounds, fight with her. There is also the guilt over feeling like more could have been done for her. I work in a hospital and I feel I could have had a trove of doctors and specialists do everything humanly possible to save her. I don’t feel like the doctors in Colombia caught on to what was happening with her fast enough. Maybe its just me telling myself that but it’s how I feel. And then last week, on the 28th I lose my dad... He had been living with COPD for the last couple of years but on the day my mom passed away I was given the news that my dad was at end stage lung disease and that they also found cancer in his lungs. It killed me because while my parents were estranged it would have destroyed my dad to learn my mom had died. Were given less than a week or two before he would pass. It was a nightmare after another. I kept the news of my mom from him untill before he passed away. I wanted him to know that my mom would be waiting for him once he was ready to let go. He passed away two hours after I let him know. I was able to be there for my dad they way I wasn’t able to for my mom. And that too kills me. There is so much more that I can write but I can’t because all I do is cry as I do. I am devastated. I feel as if this is not really happening. As if it was a figment of my imagination or a bad dream I will wake up from. But then as I wake up to another day I have to face the fact that they are both gone. Pratically in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel as if my heart is physically breaking. The sorrow is indescribable. While its four of us sisters who lost our parents I feel so alone. I can barely face a day more without my parents and thinking that I have the rest of my life ahead of me to face without them is almost unbearable. I don’t know what else to do but cry and cry and cry.
  3. My first day on this forum. I have been on the internet everyday for past 2 weeks trying to find a way to speak to someone, to help myself and to get move on from this. My father passed away 7 months ago, 2 days before his 56th Birthday. His funeral took place on his Birthday. To say it was a hard day would be an understatement. I kissed him in his coffin box and wished him a Happy Birthday in his ears. I hope he heard wherever he was. We are four siblings. I am the youngest at 28 years and live around 3 hours away from my family home. My elder siblings are all married with kids. My mum and dad had been staying at our family home since I moved out on their own. My dad had a minor and then a major stroke in between 2014-2015. My mum was his caretaker and as the single "uncommitted" child, I was the one travelling to and fro looking after them. My other siblings provided them financial support, I gave them my time. Which has made it the hardest thing ever for me to move on from this. And even harder to explain to my family and friends how I feel. My dad was my stronghold. He was never a man who showed much emotion but he was always the man that supported us in our down days. I never ever realized how much I would miss him. Seeing him sickly for about 2 years, I thought I was better prepared. Thats hardly the case. Whats worse is the inability to express myself, to pour out my grief, to be able to breakdown completely. I have to be strong for my mother. She stays on her own now and I visit her frequently. When I am with her, I have to be the person that's telling her that she is doing great. I have to show her that after 2 years of being mostly stuck at home because of dads sickness, she has now the opportunity to relax and give herself some time. My siblings have all got kids which gives them a distraction. They also see me as the strong independent woman and thus don't really see the sadness behind my smile. My friends, which I have a few, are really hard to talk to. I am tired of everyone telling me to be strong and "don't worry it will get better". I have been the cheeky, chatty and bubbly kinda a person. And everyone expects me to be the same. I'm hurting inside, I am depressed, I don't know what to do! But how many times can you tell that to a friend till they think you are just feeling sad for yourself. So I paste a smile and pretend that everything is going great. But nothing is going anywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and take a cold shower to help myself back to sleep. I go to the gym and afterwards I feel drained. I think of these really silly unimportant memories of my childhood. I have dreams that make no sense. I feel like a robot going through the motions of life. Even worse I feel like my heart has closed. I cant bring myself to date, I give myself a hundred reasons as to why this will end badly and therefore don't go at all. And all of this has started and gotten worse in the past few months.. they say i gets better over time. I think I dealt quite well with my fathers death in the first months. The months afterwards have gotten hard and harder and now I feel like I am losing it. I apologize for the really long post. But I had to let it out.
  4. Good Morning I am new here and wanted to know from those that have experienced a parent passing, some suggestions to ease the pain (I know it won't go away entirely). Dad passed away 23rd January and as a family, we are heading away to spend a long weekend together over the anniversary. I am wanting to know if the first anniversary is normal to experience more pain/sorrow than I have felt over the last few months. While Christmas, Dad's birthday, my birthday was very hard, I am finding approaching the year anniversary very very hard. Also, has anyone experienced the need to save anything in the way of insects etc and not wanting to kill anything? I cry if I accidently kill a spider/or see a dead bird. I mean it is silly sounding I know but very on edge. I have been relatively okay over the last year, had moments of terrible grief but then move forward ever so slightly. Regards Pippynz
  5. Hello, my dad is dying and I don’t understand what good is hospice care. My dad has been experiencing other symptoms like a stroke and so far he has had two strokes but the hospice won’t do anything about it. I thought the whole point of a hospice was to make my dad comfortable in his transition to death. Stroking out twice doesn’t seem too comfortable. I am so angry because will they just let him stroke out till he is dead or brain dead before they do something or is there a specific reason why they won’t do anything?
  6. Erased from history

    For over 40 years My father was my hero my mentor my best friend. We never fought until two years ago. We exchanged heated words about my stepmother’s attitude toward me. My father died in October and I was left out of his obituary. I tried to leave an electronic condolence and was denied. I tried to correct the obituary and was denied. I tried to buy an ad in the local paper to tell my side of the story and was denied. My stepmother has not communicated with me in any way. I was not told that he was seriously ill and I have no idea what type of memorial was held for him. My father died hating me. That knowledge tears my soul apart. I can’t fix it
  7. I lost my mam one week after my 21st birthday. I was heartbroken we were so close and I'm the youngest of 6 siblings. she died very suddenly and I was with her when she died. ive never seen anyone die before that. i still had my dad who was just as lost a me. 7 years went by and although we were sad we manage to move on together. my older brother died suddenly on 5th Jan '17. I was shocked and very emotional. my dad was heartbroken again. this year has been hard but I thought times would get better. but on 16th Dec my dad took an overdose and after 2 days on life support his heart gave out. he died on 18th. I whole world has fallen apart. I'm only 29. I'm parentless. my whole life I had my parents to rely on and now I'm all alone. my other siblings live all over and I don't see them often. I feel so lost and don't know how to cope. I know once his funeral has past my life will be a lonely one. I have suffered depression before and I don't want to sink down that dark hole again :-(
  8. I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.
  9. So my parents had always had a rocky marriage. I spent the large part of my childhood years keeping secrets for my mother who would spend time with various different men but it wasn’t until a year ago that I discovered that my mum had started seeing someone new - her co worker. After meeting this gentleman I realised quite early on that this wasn’t like the other relationships. She was being way more obvious with her affections towards him. Knowing my Dad (who was hopelessly in love with my mum but also terribly controlling towards her) I begged her to split with my Dad if she wanted to take this new relationship seriously. I was of course - ignored. Until one day I got a call from her new partner. He was at the hospital with my mum and younger sibling - my dad had hung himself. After three days in intensive care we turned off the life support and found a suicide note saying that my dad hoped me and my younger sister would be “happy with our new dad”. After 8 months of resentment towards this vile person who essentially killed my father I learnt today that he proposed to my mum. I’ve pretty much kept it together up until this point for my sister and tried my best to keep sane during this time but now I’m at breaking point. I can’t believe how two people can have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves. My mum expects me to just accept this person as a member of the family despite what he’s done and that infuriates me to no end. I’m also pregnant and talks of how excited my babies new “grandfather” is has started. I’m seconds away from just cutting everybody off and moving away.
  10. Hi everyone, so when I was 8 years old I lost my Dad suddenly due to an illness. At the time I soon returned to school and normality and actually in a way as a child, I just blocked it all out and almost allowed myself to forget it even happened. Sure I would get upset from time to time but only privately. So I grew up through my teenage years with no male role model at all, still blocking it out. I'm now 20 and in recent times the loss of my Dad has suddenly really hit me hard. I find myself getting so desperately distressed and feel such despair because as a child he really was my inspiration and the light of my life. I struggled without a male role model as I found it hard having such a lack of judgement of what a 'man' is and how to become one, but at the time I just shrugged it off. But I find myself really upset about everything I'll miss with him, when I graduate, when I get married someday, if I ever have children, etc. At family gatherings it's as though nobody acknowledges the fact that my Dad was once sat with us also having a great time and I just feel so lost and out of place. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me and that maybe we could talk about it or something? It's almost like a delayed grief because I bottled it up for so long. thank you for reading
  11. Hi everyone, first of all, I want to say this post is really long. I'm mostly writing it to get my feelings out, so I totally understand if you don't want to read it. In short: I'm 18, my father died suddenly yesterday, I'm scared to go to his wake/funeral, I feel like I need to grow up and be less dependent on my mom, and I don't know if doing stuff to take my mind off of his death (video games, tv, etc) is bad. the past 3 weeks have been the hardest in my entire life. It started with my grandmother being hospitalized, my aunt breaking her leg and needing surgery (she's now staying with us), my uncle passing away (same aunt's husband), and now my father just passed away yesterday morning. I've been strong, much stronger than I imagined I'd be. Up until now I was going to school normally and being tough through all the grief and my uncles funeral. But since hearing of my father's death, everything has caught up to me. Like I said, I've been quite strong, but certain things are really affecting me. Last night, a close family friend came over to see my family and me. I was still in shock and unable to cry after hearing of my fathers death, but I think she's what woke me up. That family friend had went through the exact same thing that I am now experiencing. She was only 8 when her father passed away. She told me things like "Holidays will be tough.. just call/text me if you need to talk.. if you need to leave during the wake/funeral I'll be there.. don't worry, your brother will walk you down the aisle when you get married." That last one is what killed me. And to make it even worse, my mothers friend came over today and showed us wedding pictures of her daughter, some being with her father. I was able to fully cry tonight, alone in my room. I prefer crying to myself rather than in front of my mom or anyone else. I'm only 18 and I've been so dependent on my family my entire life. I struggled with anxiety in high school and only have one friend. Whenever I go shopping or to the movies I go with my mom. But with my fathers passing, I feel like it's a sign I need to start being my own person. I need to learn how to cook a few meals for my mom and brother. And maybe get my license so they don't have to drive me everywhere. I'm also not sure if keeping my mind occupied by playing video games and watching videos is ok. That's basically what I did today, but I feel like a jerk for laughing at YouTube videos the day after my poor father passed away. People have said not to dwell on his death too much, so maybe it's ok to smile/laugh? I loved my father and i only got to visit him once in these 3 weeks. My brother and I didn't even know he was that sick, everything happened so fast. I'm terrified to go to his wake and funeral. I hate crying especially in front of people and I don't want the last time I see him to be in a coffin. I wish I had been less of a bitchy daughter to him these past few years. He went through hell most of his life, being sick, having 2 kidney transplants, and tons of surgeries. At the very least I wanted to let him know I'm sorry and love him.
  12. Hi all, I'm writing for a advice for, which at this point, is may be a little unusual as I cannot find significant answers anywhere. My mother passed away a couple of years ago, very unexpectedly and suddenly, a few weeks after retiring. Both of my parents had made plans for their retirement and what they would be doing. They obviously never got the chance to do any of it. My parents were married for close on 50 years. My father is old-school. Won't talk to anyone about his emotions and the loss he is no doubt feeling. Many family members are concerned with how he is coping, which he takes as coping looking after himself. What they mean is mentally as he rarely says anything about my mother's passing. Recently, I have actually managed to get him to open up, very, very slightly. Anyway, please forgive the rambling, but I thought a bit of background would be helpful. The point to this post is, my mother passed from an aggressive pneumonia type illness. The illness was very short, and as stated above, unexpected. Now my father, being how he is and 'bottling' all his feelings, has developed a chest complaint that has the doctors stumped. He is forever wheezing, coughing and bringing up pleghm, but the doctors so far have no answer for what's causing this. This has been gradually getting worse for the past year and a half at least, however al chest x-rays, CT scans, MRIs and bloods are coming back clear or with no discernable cause. The symptoms he has are very much like my mother's illness that took her from us. Apparently, it was fairly contagious in it's early stages. So much so that my father was advised to take a strong course of anitbiotics and replace any shared bed clothes etc. I've that greif can ultimately make you physically ill, so the question is, is it possible that my father's unresolved greif and mourning could be manifesting itself as something similar to what caused my mother's passing. Something similar to 'sympathy pains'? Any information on similar experiences or reliable studies would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to find the best direction to try to help my father. Thank you for any assistance or comments in advance
  13. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  14. Loss Father & Job

    Hello, this is my first time on here. I want to find out if anyone else feels like I do. My father passed this April 2017. I called my boss to tell them I would be out for the week. On that Friday I happened to be on craigslist and saw that my work listed my job, they placed this ad the same day I called them about my fathers passing, of course I called my boss freaking out that they were going to replace me, so I went back to work right away. Things went downhill from there. I also was having a lot of health issues working there, air quality. A few weeks later, I was offered to take 2 months off to get healthy, I took the opportunity and left in May with a guarantee that my job would be there waiting for me and that I would be on standby. 2 weeks later , a letter arrived saying I was terminated through payroll and I would have to pay for cobra insurance. I was shocked and in panic mode, they would not return my calls, emails, it's like I never existed. So now since June this year, I have been struggling emotionally. Trying to look for work, trying to deal with my fathers estate business, I'm th executrix. So basically I'm sick from the air quality at the job, had to hire an attorney, had to file an L&I claim, trying to find work, tore my hamstring, feeling totally betrayed by the employer and trying to sell a plane,house and vehicle and not to mention the money in the estate account is running out. I have anxiety, I feel scared of just the tiniest task, I feel safest in my chair watching tv or getting on the internet to look up articles on job loss grief, parent passing grief to see if what I am feeling is normal considering all of things that are and having been going on these past 5 months? Or am I just going crazy! I feel like I should be able to handle everything without feeling scared and panicky. Does anyone else out there feel any of what I am feeling? I would love to hear from any of you.thank you
  15. I've never really had to deal with loss until now, and it's completely true that you have no idea what it's like until you do, and it's horrible. I miss my Dad so much. I've lived with my Dad for about 4 years now. He was 74 and I'm 34. I was back in school and working part-time. It was nice for him because he had some company (he never remarried) and I would help him out with stuff when he needed it. We didn't spend a lot of time together but got used to seeing each other practically daily, and sometimes would watch a show together on T.V. He always kept his bedroom door closed, whether or not he was in the room. The last time I saw him was Friday afternoon, before I headed into work at 3:30. We said our normal goodbyes and I came back around 9:30 and went to my room shortly after having a quick bite, since I had to be up at for work again at 9am. He usually is out of the house before me (he's an early riser) and goes to swim laps at the pool almost every day. It didn't surprise me not to see him. I came back home for a bit between 5:30-7 before I went back out again to see a show with my friends and his door was closed so I figured he was taking a nap or out grabbing a bite to eat, then I came back again maybe around 11pm and his door was still closed, so I figured he was sleeping. The next day, I woke up on the late side, and figured he was out of the house early doing his laps, and maybe getting some food, or going to the school he taught at. It did seem odd that he was away for so long though...I was just about to leave for work to be there at 3:30 and I noticed the top lock was still locked, and that one could only be locked from the inside, so of course then I had the sudden terrible realization that he was inside the whole time, and I knew something was wrong. I opened up his door and was calling for him, and then I saw he was under the covers, and he was cold and blue. I don't even remembered how I managed to call 911, but I was sobbing and trying to remember if I still knew how to do CPR...but I think deep down I knew there was nothing I could do...I felt for his pulse and there was none. The dispatcher kept me on the phone until the police arrived. There are so many things that are upsetting to me about what happened: I can't believe I was in the other rooms in the house not having any idea that he had passed (based on the last times he communicated it was late fri/early sat morning) so that was a day and a half that I didn't know. I still feel awful about it....I also had never seen a dead person before, and I can't believe the first person I ever saw was the person I loved the most. My dad was so special, and I didn't realize how special, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Part of what makes me so sad is all the future memories we'll never have (my graduating PA school, maybe having kids) and when I think to myself that i'll never get to see him again my heart just breaks. I feel so cheated of all this time I thought i'd have with my Dad, and that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him, and to thank him for how selfless he's been all these years. I still can't believe this is real, my heart won't believe it even though I know it's real it's like I can't accept it, until there are times when it hits me hard, when something reminds me of him. I just feel like there's a part of me missing that i'll never get back, now that he's gone. It's unreal to me that someone is in your life for 34 years, and then poof they are gone just like that, and you have to figure out how to live without having them around. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know that i'll ever be able to get over it. I'm starting a support group next week, hopefully that will help me to feel not so alone.
  16. I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months. I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way. But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that. My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. What am I doing wrong. Is this common?
  17. My father passed away on May 03, 2017. He fought prostate cancer for few years and when he died something in me died with him. I think of him all the time and don't know how to get out of my depression. My superman should still be here with me. I am also feeling mad at God for the pain and my mother's pain. My mother re-lives his death everyday due to Alzheimer's. My parents didn't deserve such pain.
  18. Hey everyone, I'm new to this place and I've been reading some of other peoples posts and somehow it's easier to support someone else, but not yourself. Odd. Anyway, I lost my father to prostate cancer about 5 months ago, after almost 2 years of struggling. The conclusions I can draw at this point is: - At the beginning I mourned but it didn't affect me that much. I blocked out everything just to move on with my life. I was actually proud that I handled it so well, and was saying this to friends and family. - Then boom, earlier this month it just hit me. Maybe it was triggered by my work situation, I don't know, but all of a sudden the depression hit me. It's a little better now, but I was truly surprised about it, it felt wierd that it came so long afterwards. - Since then for some reason, I've isolated myself from my family, fighting with them and just not wanting to be part of it anymore. I don't know, is this normal? This is unknown territory for me, since I'm normally very close to my family. Maybe it's something I have to go through I don't know. - Last but not least, I feel like a different person since he died. A more darker and cynical side of me has emerged and I don't really recognize myself. Is this also normal? I guess time will tell how it develops, but I hope I return to my sunny and happy self soon.
  19. On April 6th, my father had surgery to remove cancer, surgery went very well, all the cancer was removed. The following night and following day, he was feeling great and was optimistic his hospital stay would not be a full week because he was feeling so good. He was a very healthy, active 73 year old who loved being retired, living in Florida and playing golf nearly every day with his friends. His favorite saying after moving to Florida from Ohio was "Life is Good". My parents marriage was wonderful, they were soulmates for 51 years. ANyway, on Saturday April 8th, while still in the hospital, he began feeling more pain and just not feeling well. One thing led to another and he first had no blood pressure, then his kidneys stopped working and was put on dialysis. After much pain and suffering he suddenly passed on Sunday April 9th. I am so completely heartbroken and sad. I think the fact that he suffered before passing is what is killing me the most. Also, I didn't go see him on Saturday as planned, because my mother called and said he was not feeling well and needed to rest. Who knew he would die the next day? The surgeon and rest of the team have no answer as to what happened or what caused his death, except to say that his blood pressure was too low for too long. I have many days that I can't focus on any thing else but how much I miss him and how guilty I feel for not seeing him or comforting him when he was suffering. I know this is all normal, but I don't know how to cope and I am hoping this forum will help. At least talking to others who have been through this.
  20. I lost my dad less than 2 weeks ago very unexpectedly. I've had terrible anxiety and panic disorder since I was 7, and have been on Zoloft since I was 11. It has always helped me a lot, but after this, I can't seem to quit having panic attacks and having constant anxiety. I have so so many unwanted, fearful, intrusive thoughts. Everything just seems so overwhelming and unbearable. I'm just so terrified of everything and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm having thoughts like "why are we all just happily living waiting to die?" And I know that I certainly would die if something ever happened to my mom. People are like "no you won't, it just feels that way." But they don't know me, they don't know how I feel. She is and has always been my entire life. She's what's helping me get through this. Since I'm already on 100mg of Zoloft and am trying to prevent seeing a therapist, as I talk everything I'm feeling over with my mom and I try to look up self-help things online or in books, and considering my anxiety was well under control before this happened, do you think time will help me? Has anyone else suffered anxiety or worsening of it due to grief? What helped you? How long did it take? I suppose the main question, is how long does the worst of grieving last? I know it's different for everyone and there's no set time, and you never "get over" it, you just accept it and move on, but in general terms, how long does the worst of it usually last? Thank everyone for their answers.
  21. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  22. it was in 2011 that i lost my father at 17 , 5 days before my birthday and on my parents wedding anniversary. he left behind two children and a wife who was 8 months pregnant. my little brother is 5 now and will never know what a great man his father was. i still am extremely plagued by the grief. now that it has been almost 6 years , i feel like family and friends no longer care that my dad is not around and that everyone is moving on with their lives. no one talks about him, or does celebration of life at his anniversarys or birthdays. its hurt me to know that such an important person in my life is gone and that no one else seems to be feeling the pain i am. i am afraid to move on with my life because i don't want him to not be apart of my future. im having a hard time i guess coping with the grief, and feel like i don't really have anyone to talk to about this fact. I guess im looking for people with similar experiences or thoughts/suggestions on how to deal with this? i do have a partner , but he has both of his parents and does not really seem interested in discussing anything around the death of my father.
  23. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  24. I've never done this before but it was recommended by some friends to try and find some people online who understand. Growing up I had an amazing life, both parents always around, I was always daddy's little girl and Moms little angel. At 13 my parents got a divorce. My dad got really depressed and started using drugs. We always stayed in touch and hung out pretty often, even when things got rough. My mother and I were living house to house for about a year. We found a nice apartment and lived there for 5 years. When i was 18 on 5/8/2015 I lost my father he was 45. It was a very rough 2 months for my family and I. He went into the hospital for shortness of breath. The next night i get a call saying he went into cardiac arrest, after that in was in an induced coma for 2 months. They would wake him up once a day for me to be able to visit with him, He couldn't talk due to the tube in this throat but he was still there. He had multiple surgeries all of which were my choice (since i was 18 and the oldest child i was next of kin) and after his last surgery he lost all function of his brain. It was my decision to let him go. I know he wouldn't have wanted to be like that. It's almost been 2 years since that's happened and i still think about it everyday. I don't think I will ever make it through that. At age 20 on 2/24/2017 I lost my mother she was 50. In December she went into the ER because she wasn't feeling to well and the doctor had told us she had stage 4 breast cancer. I was completely destroyed. My mom was the healthiest woman ever, didn't smoke, didn't drink, ate healthy, took all her vitamins. She started chemo not to long after that, after her 3rd session she had come home and called me, she said she wasn't feeling to good and of course we all thought it was just the chemo. The next afternoon my 15 year old brother came home from school and called me saying he couldn't wake her up. He called 911 and we all met at the hospital, They pulled us into the "family room" and i knew at that point that this couldn't be good. The cancer had made its way into her stomach, she bleed out so much that her heart completely stopped. My mom was my best friend, my person to run too. We had a very close relationship from beginning to end. We were there for each other in the hardest of times. Now I am a 20 year old, with no parents, a 15 year old brother and no support. I am completely lost and broken.. I feel like giving up myself but i can't do that my brother needs me right now and i can't even hold myself together.
  25. The other day, my dad suddenly passed away. On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped. I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying. I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner. My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that. My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him. I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace.