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  1. Hi everyone, so when I was 8 years old I lost my Dad suddenly due to an illness. At the time I soon returned to school and normality and actually in a way as a child, I just blocked it all out and almost allowed myself to forget it even happened. Sure I would get upset from time to time but only privately. So I grew up through my teenage years with no male role model at all, still blocking it out. I'm now 20 and in recent times the loss of my Dad has suddenly really hit me hard. I find myself getting so desperately distressed and feel such despair because as a child he really was my inspiration and the light of my life. I struggled without a male role model as I found it hard having such a lack of judgement of what a 'man' is and how to become one, but at the time I just shrugged it off. But I find myself really upset about everything I'll miss with him, when I graduate, when I get married someday, if I ever have children, etc. At family gatherings it's as though nobody acknowledges the fact that my Dad was once sat with us also having a great time and I just feel so lost and out of place. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me and that maybe we could talk about it or something? It's almost like a delayed grief because I bottled it up for so long. thank you for reading
  2. Hi everyone, first of all, I want to say this post is really long. I'm mostly writing it to get my feelings out, so I totally understand if you don't want to read it. In short: I'm 18, my father died suddenly yesterday, I'm scared to go to his wake/funeral, I feel like I need to grow up and be less dependent on my mom, and I don't know if doing stuff to take my mind off of his death (video games, tv, etc) is bad. the past 3 weeks have been the hardest in my entire life. It started with my grandmother being hospitalized, my aunt breaking her leg and needing surgery (she's now staying with us), my uncle passing away (same aunt's husband), and now my father just passed away yesterday morning. I've been strong, much stronger than I imagined I'd be. Up until now I was going to school normally and being tough through all the grief and my uncles funeral. But since hearing of my father's death, everything has caught up to me. Like I said, I've been quite strong, but certain things are really affecting me. Last night, a close family friend came over to see my family and me. I was still in shock and unable to cry after hearing of my fathers death, but I think she's what woke me up. That family friend had went through the exact same thing that I am now experiencing. She was only 8 when her father passed away. She told me things like "Holidays will be tough.. just call/text me if you need to talk.. if you need to leave during the wake/funeral I'll be there.. don't worry, your brother will walk you down the aisle when you get married." That last one is what killed me. And to make it even worse, my mothers friend came over today and showed us wedding pictures of her daughter, some being with her father. I was able to fully cry tonight, alone in my room. I prefer crying to myself rather than in front of my mom or anyone else. I'm only 18 and I've been so dependent on my family my entire life. I struggled with anxiety in high school and only have one friend. Whenever I go shopping or to the movies I go with my mom. But with my fathers passing, I feel like it's a sign I need to start being my own person. I need to learn how to cook a few meals for my mom and brother. And maybe get my license so they don't have to drive me everywhere. I'm also not sure if keeping my mind occupied by playing video games and watching videos is ok. That's basically what I did today, but I feel like a jerk for laughing at YouTube videos the day after my poor father passed away. People have said not to dwell on his death too much, so maybe it's ok to smile/laugh? I loved my father and i only got to visit him once in these 3 weeks. My brother and I didn't even know he was that sick, everything happened so fast. I'm terrified to go to his wake and funeral. I hate crying especially in front of people and I don't want the last time I see him to be in a coffin. I wish I had been less of a bitchy daughter to him these past few years. He went through hell most of his life, being sick, having 2 kidney transplants, and tons of surgeries. At the very least I wanted to let him know I'm sorry and love him.
  3. Hi all, I'm writing for a advice for, which at this point, is may be a little unusual as I cannot find significant answers anywhere. My mother passed away a couple of years ago, very unexpectedly and suddenly, a few weeks after retiring. Both of my parents had made plans for their retirement and what they would be doing. They obviously never got the chance to do any of it. My parents were married for close on 50 years. My father is old-school. Won't talk to anyone about his emotions and the loss he is no doubt feeling. Many family members are concerned with how he is coping, which he takes as coping looking after himself. What they mean is mentally as he rarely says anything about my mother's passing. Recently, I have actually managed to get him to open up, very, very slightly. Anyway, please forgive the rambling, but I thought a bit of background would be helpful. The point to this post is, my mother passed from an aggressive pneumonia type illness. The illness was very short, and as stated above, unexpected. Now my father, being how he is and 'bottling' all his feelings, has developed a chest complaint that has the doctors stumped. He is forever wheezing, coughing and bringing up pleghm, but the doctors so far have no answer for what's causing this. This has been gradually getting worse for the past year and a half at least, however al chest x-rays, CT scans, MRIs and bloods are coming back clear or with no discernable cause. The symptoms he has are very much like my mother's illness that took her from us. Apparently, it was fairly contagious in it's early stages. So much so that my father was advised to take a strong course of anitbiotics and replace any shared bed clothes etc. I've that greif can ultimately make you physically ill, so the question is, is it possible that my father's unresolved greif and mourning could be manifesting itself as something similar to what caused my mother's passing. Something similar to 'sympathy pains'? Any information on similar experiences or reliable studies would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to find the best direction to try to help my father. Thank you for any assistance or comments in advance
  4. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  5. Loss Father & Job

    Hello, this is my first time on here. I want to find out if anyone else feels like I do. My father passed this April 2017. I called my boss to tell them I would be out for the week. On that Friday I happened to be on craigslist and saw that my work listed my job, they placed this ad the same day I called them about my fathers passing, of course I called my boss freaking out that they were going to replace me, so I went back to work right away. Things went downhill from there. I also was having a lot of health issues working there, air quality. A few weeks later, I was offered to take 2 months off to get healthy, I took the opportunity and left in May with a guarantee that my job would be there waiting for me and that I would be on standby. 2 weeks later , a letter arrived saying I was terminated through payroll and I would have to pay for cobra insurance. I was shocked and in panic mode, they would not return my calls, emails, it's like I never existed. So now since June this year, I have been struggling emotionally. Trying to look for work, trying to deal with my fathers estate business, I'm th executrix. So basically I'm sick from the air quality at the job, had to hire an attorney, had to file an L&I claim, trying to find work, tore my hamstring, feeling totally betrayed by the employer and trying to sell a plane,house and vehicle and not to mention the money in the estate account is running out. I have anxiety, I feel scared of just the tiniest task, I feel safest in my chair watching tv or getting on the internet to look up articles on job loss grief, parent passing grief to see if what I am feeling is normal considering all of things that are and having been going on these past 5 months? Or am I just going crazy! I feel like I should be able to handle everything without feeling scared and panicky. Does anyone else out there feel any of what I am feeling? I would love to hear from any of you.thank you
  6. I've never really had to deal with loss until now, and it's completely true that you have no idea what it's like until you do, and it's horrible. I miss my Dad so much. I've lived with my Dad for about 4 years now. He was 74 and I'm 34. I was back in school and working part-time. It was nice for him because he had some company (he never remarried) and I would help him out with stuff when he needed it. We didn't spend a lot of time together but got used to seeing each other practically daily, and sometimes would watch a show together on T.V. He always kept his bedroom door closed, whether or not he was in the room. The last time I saw him was Friday afternoon, before I headed into work at 3:30. We said our normal goodbyes and I came back around 9:30 and went to my room shortly after having a quick bite, since I had to be up at for work again at 9am. He usually is out of the house before me (he's an early riser) and goes to swim laps at the pool almost every day. It didn't surprise me not to see him. I came back home for a bit between 5:30-7 before I went back out again to see a show with my friends and his door was closed so I figured he was taking a nap or out grabbing a bite to eat, then I came back again maybe around 11pm and his door was still closed, so I figured he was sleeping. The next day, I woke up on the late side, and figured he was out of the house early doing his laps, and maybe getting some food, or going to the school he taught at. It did seem odd that he was away for so long though...I was just about to leave for work to be there at 3:30 and I noticed the top lock was still locked, and that one could only be locked from the inside, so of course then I had the sudden terrible realization that he was inside the whole time, and I knew something was wrong. I opened up his door and was calling for him, and then I saw he was under the covers, and he was cold and blue. I don't even remembered how I managed to call 911, but I was sobbing and trying to remember if I still knew how to do CPR...but I think deep down I knew there was nothing I could do...I felt for his pulse and there was none. The dispatcher kept me on the phone until the police arrived. There are so many things that are upsetting to me about what happened: I can't believe I was in the other rooms in the house not having any idea that he had passed (based on the last times he communicated it was late fri/early sat morning) so that was a day and a half that I didn't know. I still feel awful about it....I also had never seen a dead person before, and I can't believe the first person I ever saw was the person I loved the most. My dad was so special, and I didn't realize how special, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Part of what makes me so sad is all the future memories we'll never have (my graduating PA school, maybe having kids) and when I think to myself that i'll never get to see him again my heart just breaks. I feel so cheated of all this time I thought i'd have with my Dad, and that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him, and to thank him for how selfless he's been all these years. I still can't believe this is real, my heart won't believe it even though I know it's real it's like I can't accept it, until there are times when it hits me hard, when something reminds me of him. I just feel like there's a part of me missing that i'll never get back, now that he's gone. It's unreal to me that someone is in your life for 34 years, and then poof they are gone just like that, and you have to figure out how to live without having them around. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know that i'll ever be able to get over it. I'm starting a support group next week, hopefully that will help me to feel not so alone.
  7. My father passed away on May 03, 2017. He fought prostate cancer for few years and when he died something in me died with him. I think of him all the time and don't know how to get out of my depression. My superman should still be here with me. I am also feeling mad at God for the pain and my mother's pain. My mother re-lives his death everyday due to Alzheimer's. My parents didn't deserve such pain.
  8. I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months. I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way. But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that. My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. What am I doing wrong. Is this common?
  9. Hey everyone, I'm new to this place and I've been reading some of other peoples posts and somehow it's easier to support someone else, but not yourself. Odd. Anyway, I lost my father to prostate cancer about 5 months ago, after almost 2 years of struggling. The conclusions I can draw at this point is: - At the beginning I mourned but it didn't affect me that much. I blocked out everything just to move on with my life. I was actually proud that I handled it so well, and was saying this to friends and family. - Then boom, earlier this month it just hit me. Maybe it was triggered by my work situation, I don't know, but all of a sudden the depression hit me. It's a little better now, but I was truly surprised about it, it felt wierd that it came so long afterwards. - Since then for some reason, I've isolated myself from my family, fighting with them and just not wanting to be part of it anymore. I don't know, is this normal? This is unknown territory for me, since I'm normally very close to my family. Maybe it's something I have to go through I don't know. - Last but not least, I feel like a different person since he died. A more darker and cynical side of me has emerged and I don't really recognize myself. Is this also normal? I guess time will tell how it develops, but I hope I return to my sunny and happy self soon.
  10. On April 6th, my father had surgery to remove cancer, surgery went very well, all the cancer was removed. The following night and following day, he was feeling great and was optimistic his hospital stay would not be a full week because he was feeling so good. He was a very healthy, active 73 year old who loved being retired, living in Florida and playing golf nearly every day with his friends. His favorite saying after moving to Florida from Ohio was "Life is Good". My parents marriage was wonderful, they were soulmates for 51 years. ANyway, on Saturday April 8th, while still in the hospital, he began feeling more pain and just not feeling well. One thing led to another and he first had no blood pressure, then his kidneys stopped working and was put on dialysis. After much pain and suffering he suddenly passed on Sunday April 9th. I am so completely heartbroken and sad. I think the fact that he suffered before passing is what is killing me the most. Also, I didn't go see him on Saturday as planned, because my mother called and said he was not feeling well and needed to rest. Who knew he would die the next day? The surgeon and rest of the team have no answer as to what happened or what caused his death, except to say that his blood pressure was too low for too long. I have many days that I can't focus on any thing else but how much I miss him and how guilty I feel for not seeing him or comforting him when he was suffering. I know this is all normal, but I don't know how to cope and I am hoping this forum will help. At least talking to others who have been through this.
  11. I lost my dad less than 2 weeks ago very unexpectedly. I've had terrible anxiety and panic disorder since I was 7, and have been on Zoloft since I was 11. It has always helped me a lot, but after this, I can't seem to quit having panic attacks and having constant anxiety. I have so so many unwanted, fearful, intrusive thoughts. Everything just seems so overwhelming and unbearable. I'm just so terrified of everything and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm having thoughts like "why are we all just happily living waiting to die?" And I know that I certainly would die if something ever happened to my mom. People are like "no you won't, it just feels that way." But they don't know me, they don't know how I feel. She is and has always been my entire life. She's what's helping me get through this. Since I'm already on 100mg of Zoloft and am trying to prevent seeing a therapist, as I talk everything I'm feeling over with my mom and I try to look up self-help things online or in books, and considering my anxiety was well under control before this happened, do you think time will help me? Has anyone else suffered anxiety or worsening of it due to grief? What helped you? How long did it take? I suppose the main question, is how long does the worst of grieving last? I know it's different for everyone and there's no set time, and you never "get over" it, you just accept it and move on, but in general terms, how long does the worst of it usually last? Thank everyone for their answers.
  12. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  13. I lost both of my parents and a sister. We had been a family of six, and a wonderful family. Seems like everybody's dying, and young, though one parent was as old as 67. It was my mom at 52, then a sister at 30, then my dad recently at 67. It's me and two sisters remaining. It's sad. My twin sister is handicapped and living in a group home. Another sister has had her own place for many years. I was living with my parents and my sister who died. It started in late 2004 with my mom. It happened very suddenly. She seemed fine up until that moment, except I heard later that she had a headache. She collapsed and died. Paramedics worked on her for a while, then took her to the hospital. We went to the hospital on our own and then were told that she had passed. We could not understand the sudden death, and I hate that she was taken from us like that, although the bright side is that without her being sick, we did not worry about her dying, before it happened, and she did not suffer. The coroner's report came back after about two months or so, said "fluoxetine toxicity", regarding a medication she was on, and she had congestive heart failure from a medication. We attended bereavement counseling because of her death. The months after her death were hard. For some time the family was missing just my mom. My household had my dad and my sister who would die. Then my sister died only a little over one year after my mom did. I have a twin and two older sisters; this is the middle sister. She had major depression and a long history of overdoses, and I worried about her suicide attempts, that she was always trying to harm herself. She took my mom's death very badly and ended up doing an overdose that was successful. She had refused to attend bereavement counseling about our mom with the rest of us, and she was the most in need of it. I guess it would have been hard for her. This sister and I were like friends sometimes. Their deaths were around major holidays, like designed by forces to ruin our holidays. Mom's was a little after Thanksgiving, my sister's was a few days before Christmas. For years I would have dreams with my mom and/or sister (I dreamed about being at the original family residence, also). Sometimes a dream would be about one of them, especially my mom, having returned after death. I wish that could happen. My family was given seven years plus a few months, before the next death, my dad. It was me and my dad living together, and we became close, and we were friends. He was very nice to me. He was patient with me. He was very easygoing. He took care of me in ways. He drove me places. I liked going to the grocery store with him, and he would often take us to eat at a restaurant before that. We went to church together. He owned a small business, doing bookkeeping and business consulting for several other small businesses. I worked for him, doing typing, and my dad kept planning for me and another sister to have major jobs in the business. He was also a tax preparer and made a lot during tax season. He had been struggling financially, and tax season was getting started when he died, and he had been planning to have several particular big clients for his business, also, and I think that was when I would do much more and get paid accordingly. I had my dad until several weeks ago. He became sick on Sunday or Monday, January 20 or 21. He said early that morning (around the very early time he normally got up) he had felt like he was dying and had thought about going to the hospital. For two weeks he had symptoms of the flu. He would get better and then be bad again. He spoke of feeling bad/awful and being weak. He said his chest and stomach hurt. He sneezed, coughed, and had a sore/hoarse throat, and had chills, all of which made it seem like really the flu. He slept all the time and didn't have an appetite. I worried about his feeling of dying, chest pain, weakness, and sleeping all the time. I hoped this wasn't something fatal. He carried on for two weeks. People tried to get him to go to the doctor. My sister (a living one) was going to force him to go to the doctor the next day, her taking him. Sadly he died the day before he would go. He would've gotten proper care. I actually witnessed his death. He seemed to be sleeping as he did a lot, and I was nearby, luckily. He sounded like he was doing a little minor coughing, then he started doing like snorting through the throat or mouth, and that alerted me. When he died, he did several of those, about 10 seconds apart, each one making his body jump. He appeared not to breathe, otherwise and after the snorts stopped. I tried to rouse him and couldn't. His eyes were open and not moving. He was unresponsive. I called 911. He was worked on for some time and then was pronounced dead. At one point as the paramedics worked on him they said "he's in", and I thought he was surviving. We had him cremated because there was no money for burial. I didn't want to deal with his body in a casket anyway. We had a memorial service rather than a funeral with a body. There were several photos and a continuous slideshow of family pictures with him in them. I liked that. Until my dad became sick, he had tended to stay healthy, even as he had high blood pressure and a lot of stress. He seemed like he would live long, much longer than 67 years. I was wrong. I'm grateful he was a little into old age. For years I had wanted him to get really old before he died, and would wait for each birthday. He turned 65 and dealt with getting Medicare. He had over two years after that. Many people had thought he was younger than he really was. He looked young to other people. Probably his good health. But to me he looked about his real age. I have felt that if someone's parent(s) would be like 80+ when dying, that's good, because the parent(s) had a properly long life. I have wished those who died had had more years. My mom would be 60. I would wish to be back at the times when they were alive, but sadly that's impossible. I had my dad until very recently as of this writing. The period I had him is so close but impossible to reach. It's that way shortly after every death. It would feel like I never had my mom or my sister, since it has been so long since I lost them. I feel a little like that about my dad already, since he has been dead. For days after the recent death of my dad, I did the normal crying, I would get emotional at times. I thought of my dad as my best friend and the person holding up the family as a parent. I may have been closer to him than to anyone else, ever. I have adjusted surprising well/quickly. I'm now living with my sister, the one who was living alone, and I have been busy with gradually moving my things and clearing out the old house. My sister will help me with my affairs and support me the best she can until I get income. Very grateful for her.
  14. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  15. it was in 2011 that i lost my father at 17 , 5 days before my birthday and on my parents wedding anniversary. he left behind two children and a wife who was 8 months pregnant. my little brother is 5 now and will never know what a great man his father was. i still am extremely plagued by the grief. now that it has been almost 6 years , i feel like family and friends no longer care that my dad is not around and that everyone is moving on with their lives. no one talks about him, or does celebration of life at his anniversarys or birthdays. its hurt me to know that such an important person in my life is gone and that no one else seems to be feeling the pain i am. i am afraid to move on with my life because i don't want him to not be apart of my future. im having a hard time i guess coping with the grief, and feel like i don't really have anyone to talk to about this fact. I guess im looking for people with similar experiences or thoughts/suggestions on how to deal with this? i do have a partner , but he has both of his parents and does not really seem interested in discussing anything around the death of my father.
  16. I've never done this before but it was recommended by some friends to try and find some people online who understand. Growing up I had an amazing life, both parents always around, I was always daddy's little girl and Moms little angel. At 13 my parents got a divorce. My dad got really depressed and started using drugs. We always stayed in touch and hung out pretty often, even when things got rough. My mother and I were living house to house for about a year. We found a nice apartment and lived there for 5 years. When i was 18 on 5/8/2015 I lost my father he was 45. It was a very rough 2 months for my family and I. He went into the hospital for shortness of breath. The next night i get a call saying he went into cardiac arrest, after that in was in an induced coma for 2 months. They would wake him up once a day for me to be able to visit with him, He couldn't talk due to the tube in this throat but he was still there. He had multiple surgeries all of which were my choice (since i was 18 and the oldest child i was next of kin) and after his last surgery he lost all function of his brain. It was my decision to let him go. I know he wouldn't have wanted to be like that. It's almost been 2 years since that's happened and i still think about it everyday. I don't think I will ever make it through that. At age 20 on 2/24/2017 I lost my mother she was 50. In December she went into the ER because she wasn't feeling to well and the doctor had told us she had stage 4 breast cancer. I was completely destroyed. My mom was the healthiest woman ever, didn't smoke, didn't drink, ate healthy, took all her vitamins. She started chemo not to long after that, after her 3rd session she had come home and called me, she said she wasn't feeling to good and of course we all thought it was just the chemo. The next afternoon my 15 year old brother came home from school and called me saying he couldn't wake her up. He called 911 and we all met at the hospital, They pulled us into the "family room" and i knew at that point that this couldn't be good. The cancer had made its way into her stomach, she bleed out so much that her heart completely stopped. My mom was my best friend, my person to run too. We had a very close relationship from beginning to end. We were there for each other in the hardest of times. Now I am a 20 year old, with no parents, a 15 year old brother and no support. I am completely lost and broken.. I feel like giving up myself but i can't do that my brother needs me right now and i can't even hold myself together.
  17. The other day, my dad suddenly passed away. On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped. I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying. I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner. My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that. My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him. I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace.
  18. I dropped my Dad off at the airport in early January. The last time I ever saw him was waving goodbye before he went into the terminal. A few days later, we got the call that he had fallen ill while abroad and passed away. The first few works despite being sad, I would laugh or smile occasionally or appear nonchalant. I realized it was because it still feels like he's alive, just out on vacation still. It still feels like I'm going to go back and pick him up from his return flight on February 12th. Even typing this right now I can't believe he's not coming back. I can't wrap my head around it. I saw a picture of his dead body, I saw him being buried, but it feels like I imagined it or it was all a bad dream. How can he just not exist anymore? Am I really never going to talk to him again? Someone at work mentioned that they needed a ride to the airport and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I dropped a man off at an airport who I won't ever be able to go pick up again. Some of this belongings got sent back to our house last week. Seeing his tangible possessions suddenly made this feel real, and surreal at the same time. Ever since this shift in my reality, my mood has gotten worse. My mom saw them and held them against her chest and wailed. She said that his things came back, but the person won't. I can't even look at his belongings. They look so empty and irrelevant now, outliving him. When I was going through his paperwork yesterday I found an envelope about an upcoming doctor's appointment of his. He wrote a reminder to himself before the trip. On the envelope in his handwriting it read "DO THIS WHEN I GET BACK." It kills me that he couldn't have known. None of us knew he wouldn't be coming back. I am 24 and I thought I would have my Dad with me for so much longer. I wanted him to be here for my wedding one day. The sadness is only really hitting me now. It's enveloping me from all sides. I do not want to go on. How much time will pass before my brain understands that he won't come walking back through our door again?
  19. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  20. Hi Everyone, I am not the one to talk about things, but I think the time has come that I should- I don't feel like I can post things on facebook or twitter etc as I don't want my friends to think I just want attention- so perhaps this is the best way to do it to people who don't know me. My Mother had Motor Neurone Disease ( MND to people in UK or ALS To people in US) She was struggling with this for just under 2 years first she lost her voice which was very difficult for her and then some of her nerve were getting weaker, I won't go into too much detail as this is a horrendous disease and very hard for people who have it and their families, it was very hard watching her go through this, but she always kept her smile and gave me the thumbs up. She pretty much had her mobility until the end.. she passed away September 2014. My father was her main carer although she was still pretty independent he was able to go out to work a couple days a week, the only health condition he had was diabetes but this was under control. He died less then two months after Mum passed away...I moved in with him to spend time with him after Mum passed away, he came back from shopping one day but the shopping on the table and then went to his office to do some computer work, I heard a loud noise .. like a bang or fall. I then called out "Dad" no response so I went to have a look, he was on the floor eyes closes having a heart attack...called ambulance they couldn't resuscitate him so kept trying along the ambulance ride, still kept trying when we arrived, then after around 40minutes declared him dead ( I was there for this whole time period) My sister lives in Borneo Malaysia ( as did I before mum passed but I managed to get back before she passed away ) I called her to tell her Dad had died.. BIG shock out of the blue. Hung up spent more time with dad to try say goodbye, a nurse came in check his pulse and felt one.. brought everyone in got his heart going and put him on a ventilator.. I called my sister again to say he was back. She flew over as fast as she could 2 days later. Dad was in coma for 5 days they did some tests and decided they wanted to switch the Machines off. So Friday the 28th November my Dad passed away- his birthday Month and less then 2 months after my Mum, I became an orphan at the age of 29. Of course I am devastated but I also understand how lucky my sister and I were to have such loving parents, for as many years possible. I felt what if? what if I new my first aid better, what if I could have ran to dad faster realised he fell, what if I didn't panic.. he could still be alive. I'm sorry to have told you most of my storey and I don't know what I expect back-but right now it has been 2 years I still feel numb, I feel like I'm in a dream world, I feel Mad, I feel bitter, of course I try not to show this to people but I feel this inside. I put on a brave face and try to carry on with life. I watch movies with weddings, people having kids, their Mum's and Dads with them, I feel jealously I feel pain because I will never have this. My sister was so lucky to have my dad walk her down the isle at her wedding, her kids met their Grandparents. I wish I could have this, but I can't. Any way I have so much to say .. And I Would like to talk to people that feel the same, have had the same experience as me. My sister is older then me but she was weaker then me at the time of our devastation and I have always tried to stay strong for her, I just can't tell her my deepest feelings about this.
  21. Hi!! I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice. It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone. My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time, I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married. I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him. Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.
  22. I've never really posted on any forums about something so personal. (Sorry if this is incomprehensible, it turned into venting about my feelings) Before Christmas, I found my father lying dead in the bathroom in the flat where I grew up during my teenage years. For days I was so sure that I was never going to stop seeing that image when i closed my eyes, but sure enough I manage to move on day by day. He was my last living parent, my mother committed suicide when I was a baby, and I knew the day was coming because he was a seasonal binge drinking alcoholic who couldn't handle that his only daughter was growing up and becoming independent. But it had to be right then and not in a few years time. I thought that I could hold on to the anger to keep myself going, even if it's unhealthy. I'm in my final year of university. I was/am so angry that he would do this to me, at a time when I needed him the most. When i needed a shoulder to cry on about exams or post grad jobs or... anything. But the initial shock has worn out, and university has started again. I decided to stay on and not take a year out because i'm only 5-6 months away from getting a degree. I could get it over with and continue with my life. Delaying for ANOTHER year would mean another helping of student loan to pay back in the future, and extending my already long degree. I have days where I think "maybe I'm making the wrong choice" but most of the time I feel stubborn and so sure of myself that I can do this, because I have managed to overcome so much while only being 23 years old. I could have turned out so much worse, everyone kept implying before the day of the funeral. At the moment, I do feel confident (slightly) that I can continue on with my work at university and get my degree. And while I've read books and forums on grief, saying that i need to take it slow and take care of myself (which i am trying so very hard), i'm not sure how to... measure how I'm coping. It's not like there's a checklist. While it seems like my entire family knows about the death (and they do), very few people outside of that group know. Online friends know, my best friends (4 of them) know and my tutors at uni know... but that's it. I don't feel compelled to tell others, it's not exactly their business... but I feel as if it's the better thing to do. Like as if, nothing has changed to the world because my father died, and that only i feel the change. Which is obviously untrue as my uncles of course feel pain at the loss of their brother. I don't want to tell anyone really. When you grow up without a mum, you already have so much sympathy directed towards you... so much so that it can feel like you're being pitied... It's like I know that I'm currently fragile, but I don't want anyone to treat me as if they need to walk on eggshells (which actually... they do seeing as I'm prone to snap at people once a week). How can i possibly explain how it feels to have no living parents to someone who's always had a happy parent-child relationship. While it's only been a month, and the process of grief is a long and hard road, and initial feelings are obviously very complex and hard to explain (as can be seen by the above...), I just wondered how have other people coped in the initial first months? Did you start anything new to distract yourself? Did you find any books/anything helpful? I reached out to counseling agencies but.... long waiting lists combined with little money means waiting for a long time...
  23. It's been over a year since my dad put a gun to his head and sprayed his brains all over the house that I grew up in. I wasn't there when it happened, but just knowing that it happened that way haunts me constantly. My father had survived cancer, and fought with that for most of my life, so I thought he could survive anything. I never knew how sad he was, and now that I have been slapped in the face with it, I can't shake this terrible feeling. I feel like I wasn't a good enough daughter to him. Like i failed him because i thought he was stronger than he was. Like most little girls, I grew up idolizing my dad. Thinking of him as a super hero. A rock. An unstoppable force who was going to be by my side and in my life forever. But that was not the case. He left me in a blood-stained memory, and all I can do is think about him. Everything comes back to that phone call I got saying he was gone. There are so many days where I feel all I can do is cry and think about every moment I ever spent with him. Some days I'm just bitter and pissed off about everything and I want to punch everyone in the face who's having a better time than I am. I think about his death constantly. I dream about it. And I have become so dependent on substances to fade away the reality of everything, when I try not to drink or smoke, I end up feeling everything 100 times stronger. I just want to be numb. I want to stop feeling all of this. I feel too much at once, and I just hate how much this event has taken over my life. I loved my dad more than anything. He was always the one I could talk to when things weren't going well, or the first person I'd want to call when everything was going great! I have no one now, or at least it feels that way. I am not the same person I was before his suicide, and the people who love me might not love this new me. They might only love the old me, and she's never coming back. it was two weeks before my 25th birthday when it happened. Everything near his death date is tainted. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't want any of it anymore, because it will never be the same. All I ever wanted was for my father to see me succeed. And I'll never get that chance. He died knowing I was a loser. He died knowing I hadn't become anyone yet. That I hadn't done anything with my life. Well, I'm doing something now. At least, I'm trying. I'm trying to get my art out there. I'm trying to get my life in order. I've quit smoking for over 5 months now (and I want to break down every minute of every day and smoke, but I'm staying strong). He'll never get to see the woman I'm becoming. It tears me up inside when I realize everything he's missing. And then I just start to get angry, because there are so many times when I've wanted to give up on everything. But I haven't. I'm still here. I'm still here fighting with my own pain, and now on top of it, I'm fighting with his, too. It's so much weight for one set of shoulders to carry, but I'm doing my damnedest.
  24. My dad passed away 7 years ago, I was around 13. And I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to forget what his voice sounded like. What he looked like exactly, his laugh lines I used to remember, the way his rough hands felt holding mine when I needed comfort. I'm starting to forget his boisterous laugh. I'm starting to forget the simple moments. Not the moments, the big ones. I'm starting to forget his personality, like how he would react to certain situations now. I forget what my mom was like around him.. how happy she was. What my little brother was like around him,. The only man in his life he still needs guidance from. I'm starting to forget and all I want to do is keep these memories engrained in my mind forever. I'm starting to forget the pieces of me that were shaped because of him. The sound of him coming home from work. His favorite music, his favorite food. The way he said I love you.
  25. I have never posted on a site like this before but I am really struggling and looking for some help or advice. My biological father, who I never got the chance to meet, died by suicide over the summer. I found out about his passing only two weeks after it happened through a google search of his name since I wanted to try to find a picture of him to show my significant other. I always assumed I would be able to meet him and share my life with him someday, but the choice is no longer mine. He made the decision for me when he took his own life and I am very sad and angry about it. I don't know how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet, much less how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet who committed suicide. I feel as if I am grieving for him as a person as well as grieving for the relationship we never got to have and now never will.
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