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About Me

Found 75 results

  1. My father passed away on May 03, 2017. He fought prostate cancer for few years and when he died something in me died with him. I think of him all the time and don't know how to get out of my depression. My superman should still be here with me. I am also feeling mad at God for the pain and my mother's pain. My mother re-lives his death everyday due to Alzheimer's. My parents didn't deserve such pain.
  2. I've posted here a while ago, while my dad was alive and I've anticipated his death. I knew in my mind and heart this was going to happen. He died a month and half ago. I don't understand why it still feels like yesterday. I was with him everyday for 7 months while he was hospitalized. He was only awake for 1-2 entire days at that point. I still felt his presence so never left his side. But now he's physically gone and there's this unexplainable void in my heart and soul. We had so many plans together. We never really travelled because of his work and my work but we spent a lot of time together. I'm 27 and he was in his early 60's. His death was due to medical malpractice so I'm still at the courts fighting for justice. It was a painful 7 months. I fought this journey by myself. A lot of family members couldn't handle it and stepped aside. My own brother couldn't face what's happened. I had a partner who supported me every now and then. He would sleep in the hospital with me when I asked him to. But It was just me during all those months. I arranged for the funeral, wake, all the estate legalities and still doing a lot of things on my own. I do it because he's a part of me and he's my father and can't imagine anyone else carrying this burden. It makes me feel still close to him in a way. But I think all the strength has dissipated. I don't have the will to fight, walk or eat. I understand this could be grief and the realisation he's actually gone. I stopped visiting his graveyard because it's too painful and feel tremendously guilty for not doing that. My boyfriend said that my "grief" or the death of my father had a massive impact on him as well. He didn't really know him but he saw him dying in the end. But I didn't realise why it's a bigger toll on him than me. He asked for space between us and said he's not able to support me during this grief period. I am really confused. I lost my father almost a month and half ago and I'm super shattered. I am usually known and portray myself as a strong and independent woman but now I'm weak and helpless and depressed. Does my grief and pain affect people around me even when I try to not show it. Does it scare people away. It's the first time I'm going through this and I didn't want to be alone. My boyfriend said I should lean on my friends more as he's not strong for me and will be strong in a couple of weeks or months so until then I'm on hold. He said he loves me but has to refocus on his life. What am I doing wrong. Is this common?
  3. Hey everyone, I'm new to this place and I've been reading some of other peoples posts and somehow it's easier to support someone else, but not yourself. Odd. Anyway, I lost my father to prostate cancer about 5 months ago, after almost 2 years of struggling. The conclusions I can draw at this point is: - At the beginning I mourned but it didn't affect me that much. I blocked out everything just to move on with my life. I was actually proud that I handled it so well, and was saying this to friends and family. - Then boom, earlier this month it just hit me. Maybe it was triggered by my work situation, I don't know, but all of a sudden the depression hit me. It's a little better now, but I was truly surprised about it, it felt wierd that it came so long afterwards. - Since then for some reason, I've isolated myself from my family, fighting with them and just not wanting to be part of it anymore. I don't know, is this normal? This is unknown territory for me, since I'm normally very close to my family. Maybe it's something I have to go through I don't know. - Last but not least, I feel like a different person since he died. A more darker and cynical side of me has emerged and I don't really recognize myself. Is this also normal? I guess time will tell how it develops, but I hope I return to my sunny and happy self soon.
  4. On April 6th, my father had surgery to remove cancer, surgery went very well, all the cancer was removed. The following night and following day, he was feeling great and was optimistic his hospital stay would not be a full week because he was feeling so good. He was a very healthy, active 73 year old who loved being retired, living in Florida and playing golf nearly every day with his friends. His favorite saying after moving to Florida from Ohio was "Life is Good". My parents marriage was wonderful, they were soulmates for 51 years. ANyway, on Saturday April 8th, while still in the hospital, he began feeling more pain and just not feeling well. One thing led to another and he first had no blood pressure, then his kidneys stopped working and was put on dialysis. After much pain and suffering he suddenly passed on Sunday April 9th. I am so completely heartbroken and sad. I think the fact that he suffered before passing is what is killing me the most. Also, I didn't go see him on Saturday as planned, because my mother called and said he was not feeling well and needed to rest. Who knew he would die the next day? The surgeon and rest of the team have no answer as to what happened or what caused his death, except to say that his blood pressure was too low for too long. I have many days that I can't focus on any thing else but how much I miss him and how guilty I feel for not seeing him or comforting him when he was suffering. I know this is all normal, but I don't know how to cope and I am hoping this forum will help. At least talking to others who have been through this.
  5. I lost my dad less than 2 weeks ago very unexpectedly. I've had terrible anxiety and panic disorder since I was 7, and have been on Zoloft since I was 11. It has always helped me a lot, but after this, I can't seem to quit having panic attacks and having constant anxiety. I have so so many unwanted, fearful, intrusive thoughts. Everything just seems so overwhelming and unbearable. I'm just so terrified of everything and nothing makes sense anymore. I'm having thoughts like "why are we all just happily living waiting to die?" And I know that I certainly would die if something ever happened to my mom. People are like "no you won't, it just feels that way." But they don't know me, they don't know how I feel. She is and has always been my entire life. She's what's helping me get through this. Since I'm already on 100mg of Zoloft and am trying to prevent seeing a therapist, as I talk everything I'm feeling over with my mom and I try to look up self-help things online or in books, and considering my anxiety was well under control before this happened, do you think time will help me? Has anyone else suffered anxiety or worsening of it due to grief? What helped you? How long did it take? I suppose the main question, is how long does the worst of grieving last? I know it's different for everyone and there's no set time, and you never "get over" it, you just accept it and move on, but in general terms, how long does the worst of it usually last? Thank everyone for their answers.
  6. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  7. I lost both of my parents and a sister. We had been a family of six, and a wonderful family. Seems like everybody's dying, and young, though one parent was as old as 67. It was my mom at 52, then a sister at 30, then my dad recently at 67. It's me and two sisters remaining. It's sad. My twin sister is handicapped and living in a group home. Another sister has had her own place for many years. I was living with my parents and my sister who died. It started in late 2004 with my mom. It happened very suddenly. She seemed fine up until that moment, except I heard later that she had a headache. She collapsed and died. Paramedics worked on her for a while, then took her to the hospital. We went to the hospital on our own and then were told that she had passed. We could not understand the sudden death, and I hate that she was taken from us like that, although the bright side is that without her being sick, we did not worry about her dying, before it happened, and she did not suffer. The coroner's report came back after about two months or so, said "fluoxetine toxicity", regarding a medication she was on, and she had congestive heart failure from a medication. We attended bereavement counseling because of her death. The months after her death were hard. For some time the family was missing just my mom. My household had my dad and my sister who would die. Then my sister died only a little over one year after my mom did. I have a twin and two older sisters; this is the middle sister. She had major depression and a long history of overdoses, and I worried about her suicide attempts, that she was always trying to harm herself. She took my mom's death very badly and ended up doing an overdose that was successful. She had refused to attend bereavement counseling about our mom with the rest of us, and she was the most in need of it. I guess it would have been hard for her. This sister and I were like friends sometimes. Their deaths were around major holidays, like designed by forces to ruin our holidays. Mom's was a little after Thanksgiving, my sister's was a few days before Christmas. For years I would have dreams with my mom and/or sister (I dreamed about being at the original family residence, also). Sometimes a dream would be about one of them, especially my mom, having returned after death. I wish that could happen. My family was given seven years plus a few months, before the next death, my dad. It was me and my dad living together, and we became close, and we were friends. He was very nice to me. He was patient with me. He was very easygoing. He took care of me in ways. He drove me places. I liked going to the grocery store with him, and he would often take us to eat at a restaurant before that. We went to church together. He owned a small business, doing bookkeeping and business consulting for several other small businesses. I worked for him, doing typing, and my dad kept planning for me and another sister to have major jobs in the business. He was also a tax preparer and made a lot during tax season. He had been struggling financially, and tax season was getting started when he died, and he had been planning to have several particular big clients for his business, also, and I think that was when I would do much more and get paid accordingly. I had my dad until several weeks ago. He became sick on Sunday or Monday, January 20 or 21. He said early that morning (around the very early time he normally got up) he had felt like he was dying and had thought about going to the hospital. For two weeks he had symptoms of the flu. He would get better and then be bad again. He spoke of feeling bad/awful and being weak. He said his chest and stomach hurt. He sneezed, coughed, and had a sore/hoarse throat, and had chills, all of which made it seem like really the flu. He slept all the time and didn't have an appetite. I worried about his feeling of dying, chest pain, weakness, and sleeping all the time. I hoped this wasn't something fatal. He carried on for two weeks. People tried to get him to go to the doctor. My sister (a living one) was going to force him to go to the doctor the next day, her taking him. Sadly he died the day before he would go. He would've gotten proper care. I actually witnessed his death. He seemed to be sleeping as he did a lot, and I was nearby, luckily. He sounded like he was doing a little minor coughing, then he started doing like snorting through the throat or mouth, and that alerted me. When he died, he did several of those, about 10 seconds apart, each one making his body jump. He appeared not to breathe, otherwise and after the snorts stopped. I tried to rouse him and couldn't. His eyes were open and not moving. He was unresponsive. I called 911. He was worked on for some time and then was pronounced dead. At one point as the paramedics worked on him they said "he's in", and I thought he was surviving. We had him cremated because there was no money for burial. I didn't want to deal with his body in a casket anyway. We had a memorial service rather than a funeral with a body. There were several photos and a continuous slideshow of family pictures with him in them. I liked that. Until my dad became sick, he had tended to stay healthy, even as he had high blood pressure and a lot of stress. He seemed like he would live long, much longer than 67 years. I was wrong. I'm grateful he was a little into old age. For years I had wanted him to get really old before he died, and would wait for each birthday. He turned 65 and dealt with getting Medicare. He had over two years after that. Many people had thought he was younger than he really was. He looked young to other people. Probably his good health. But to me he looked about his real age. I have felt that if someone's parent(s) would be like 80+ when dying, that's good, because the parent(s) had a properly long life. I have wished those who died had had more years. My mom would be 60. I would wish to be back at the times when they were alive, but sadly that's impossible. I had my dad until very recently as of this writing. The period I had him is so close but impossible to reach. It's that way shortly after every death. It would feel like I never had my mom or my sister, since it has been so long since I lost them. I feel a little like that about my dad already, since he has been dead. For days after the recent death of my dad, I did the normal crying, I would get emotional at times. I thought of my dad as my best friend and the person holding up the family as a parent. I may have been closer to him than to anyone else, ever. I have adjusted surprising well/quickly. I'm now living with my sister, the one who was living alone, and I have been busy with gradually moving my things and clearing out the old house. My sister will help me with my affairs and support me the best she can until I get income. Very grateful for her.
  8. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  9. it was in 2011 that i lost my father at 17 , 5 days before my birthday and on my parents wedding anniversary. he left behind two children and a wife who was 8 months pregnant. my little brother is 5 now and will never know what a great man his father was. i still am extremely plagued by the grief. now that it has been almost 6 years , i feel like family and friends no longer care that my dad is not around and that everyone is moving on with their lives. no one talks about him, or does celebration of life at his anniversarys or birthdays. its hurt me to know that such an important person in my life is gone and that no one else seems to be feeling the pain i am. i am afraid to move on with my life because i don't want him to not be apart of my future. im having a hard time i guess coping with the grief, and feel like i don't really have anyone to talk to about this fact. I guess im looking for people with similar experiences or thoughts/suggestions on how to deal with this? i do have a partner , but he has both of his parents and does not really seem interested in discussing anything around the death of my father.
  10. I've never done this before but it was recommended by some friends to try and find some people online who understand. Growing up I had an amazing life, both parents always around, I was always daddy's little girl and Moms little angel. At 13 my parents got a divorce. My dad got really depressed and started using drugs. We always stayed in touch and hung out pretty often, even when things got rough. My mother and I were living house to house for about a year. We found a nice apartment and lived there for 5 years. When i was 18 on 5/8/2015 I lost my father he was 45. It was a very rough 2 months for my family and I. He went into the hospital for shortness of breath. The next night i get a call saying he went into cardiac arrest, after that in was in an induced coma for 2 months. They would wake him up once a day for me to be able to visit with him, He couldn't talk due to the tube in this throat but he was still there. He had multiple surgeries all of which were my choice (since i was 18 and the oldest child i was next of kin) and after his last surgery he lost all function of his brain. It was my decision to let him go. I know he wouldn't have wanted to be like that. It's almost been 2 years since that's happened and i still think about it everyday. I don't think I will ever make it through that. At age 20 on 2/24/2017 I lost my mother she was 50. In December she went into the ER because she wasn't feeling to well and the doctor had told us she had stage 4 breast cancer. I was completely destroyed. My mom was the healthiest woman ever, didn't smoke, didn't drink, ate healthy, took all her vitamins. She started chemo not to long after that, after her 3rd session she had come home and called me, she said she wasn't feeling to good and of course we all thought it was just the chemo. The next afternoon my 15 year old brother came home from school and called me saying he couldn't wake her up. He called 911 and we all met at the hospital, They pulled us into the "family room" and i knew at that point that this couldn't be good. The cancer had made its way into her stomach, she bleed out so much that her heart completely stopped. My mom was my best friend, my person to run too. We had a very close relationship from beginning to end. We were there for each other in the hardest of times. Now I am a 20 year old, with no parents, a 15 year old brother and no support. I am completely lost and broken.. I feel like giving up myself but i can't do that my brother needs me right now and i can't even hold myself together.
  11. The other day, my dad suddenly passed away. On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped. I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying. I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner. My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that. My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him. I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace.
  12. I dropped my Dad off at the airport in early January. The last time I ever saw him was waving goodbye before he went into the terminal. A few days later, we got the call that he had fallen ill while abroad and passed away. The first few works despite being sad, I would laugh or smile occasionally or appear nonchalant. I realized it was because it still feels like he's alive, just out on vacation still. It still feels like I'm going to go back and pick him up from his return flight on February 12th. Even typing this right now I can't believe he's not coming back. I can't wrap my head around it. I saw a picture of his dead body, I saw him being buried, but it feels like I imagined it or it was all a bad dream. How can he just not exist anymore? Am I really never going to talk to him again? Someone at work mentioned that they needed a ride to the airport and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I dropped a man off at an airport who I won't ever be able to go pick up again. Some of this belongings got sent back to our house last week. Seeing his tangible possessions suddenly made this feel real, and surreal at the same time. Ever since this shift in my reality, my mood has gotten worse. My mom saw them and held them against her chest and wailed. She said that his things came back, but the person won't. I can't even look at his belongings. They look so empty and irrelevant now, outliving him. When I was going through his paperwork yesterday I found an envelope about an upcoming doctor's appointment of his. He wrote a reminder to himself before the trip. On the envelope in his handwriting it read "DO THIS WHEN I GET BACK." It kills me that he couldn't have known. None of us knew he wouldn't be coming back. I am 24 and I thought I would have my Dad with me for so much longer. I wanted him to be here for my wedding one day. The sadness is only really hitting me now. It's enveloping me from all sides. I do not want to go on. How much time will pass before my brain understands that he won't come walking back through our door again?
  13. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  14. Hi Everyone, I am not the one to talk about things, but I think the time has come that I should- I don't feel like I can post things on facebook or twitter etc as I don't want my friends to think I just want attention- so perhaps this is the best way to do it to people who don't know me. My Mother had Motor Neurone Disease ( MND to people in UK or ALS To people in US) She was struggling with this for just under 2 years first she lost her voice which was very difficult for her and then some of her nerve were getting weaker, I won't go into too much detail as this is a horrendous disease and very hard for people who have it and their families, it was very hard watching her go through this, but she always kept her smile and gave me the thumbs up. She pretty much had her mobility until the end.. she passed away September 2014. My father was her main carer although she was still pretty independent he was able to go out to work a couple days a week, the only health condition he had was diabetes but this was under control. He died less then two months after Mum passed away...I moved in with him to spend time with him after Mum passed away, he came back from shopping one day but the shopping on the table and then went to his office to do some computer work, I heard a loud noise .. like a bang or fall. I then called out "Dad" no response so I went to have a look, he was on the floor eyes closes having a heart attack...called ambulance they couldn't resuscitate him so kept trying along the ambulance ride, still kept trying when we arrived, then after around 40minutes declared him dead ( I was there for this whole time period) My sister lives in Borneo Malaysia ( as did I before mum passed but I managed to get back before she passed away ) I called her to tell her Dad had died.. BIG shock out of the blue. Hung up spent more time with dad to try say goodbye, a nurse came in check his pulse and felt one.. brought everyone in got his heart going and put him on a ventilator.. I called my sister again to say he was back. She flew over as fast as she could 2 days later. Dad was in coma for 5 days they did some tests and decided they wanted to switch the Machines off. So Friday the 28th November my Dad passed away- his birthday Month and less then 2 months after my Mum, I became an orphan at the age of 29. Of course I am devastated but I also understand how lucky my sister and I were to have such loving parents, for as many years possible. I felt what if? what if I new my first aid better, what if I could have ran to dad faster realised he fell, what if I didn't panic.. he could still be alive. I'm sorry to have told you most of my storey and I don't know what I expect back-but right now it has been 2 years I still feel numb, I feel like I'm in a dream world, I feel Mad, I feel bitter, of course I try not to show this to people but I feel this inside. I put on a brave face and try to carry on with life. I watch movies with weddings, people having kids, their Mum's and Dads with them, I feel jealously I feel pain because I will never have this. My sister was so lucky to have my dad walk her down the isle at her wedding, her kids met their Grandparents. I wish I could have this, but I can't. Any way I have so much to say .. And I Would like to talk to people that feel the same, have had the same experience as me. My sister is older then me but she was weaker then me at the time of our devastation and I have always tried to stay strong for her, I just can't tell her my deepest feelings about this.
  15. Hi!! I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice. It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone. My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time, I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married. I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him. Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.
  16. I've never really posted on any forums about something so personal. (Sorry if this is incomprehensible, it turned into venting about my feelings) Before Christmas, I found my father lying dead in the bathroom in the flat where I grew up during my teenage years. For days I was so sure that I was never going to stop seeing that image when i closed my eyes, but sure enough I manage to move on day by day. He was my last living parent, my mother committed suicide when I was a baby, and I knew the day was coming because he was a seasonal binge drinking alcoholic who couldn't handle that his only daughter was growing up and becoming independent. But it had to be right then and not in a few years time. I thought that I could hold on to the anger to keep myself going, even if it's unhealthy. I'm in my final year of university. I was/am so angry that he would do this to me, at a time when I needed him the most. When i needed a shoulder to cry on about exams or post grad jobs or... anything. But the initial shock has worn out, and university has started again. I decided to stay on and not take a year out because i'm only 5-6 months away from getting a degree. I could get it over with and continue with my life. Delaying for ANOTHER year would mean another helping of student loan to pay back in the future, and extending my already long degree. I have days where I think "maybe I'm making the wrong choice" but most of the time I feel stubborn and so sure of myself that I can do this, because I have managed to overcome so much while only being 23 years old. I could have turned out so much worse, everyone kept implying before the day of the funeral. At the moment, I do feel confident (slightly) that I can continue on with my work at university and get my degree. And while I've read books and forums on grief, saying that i need to take it slow and take care of myself (which i am trying so very hard), i'm not sure how to... measure how I'm coping. It's not like there's a checklist. While it seems like my entire family knows about the death (and they do), very few people outside of that group know. Online friends know, my best friends (4 of them) know and my tutors at uni know... but that's it. I don't feel compelled to tell others, it's not exactly their business... but I feel as if it's the better thing to do. Like as if, nothing has changed to the world because my father died, and that only i feel the change. Which is obviously untrue as my uncles of course feel pain at the loss of their brother. I don't want to tell anyone really. When you grow up without a mum, you already have so much sympathy directed towards you... so much so that it can feel like you're being pitied... It's like I know that I'm currently fragile, but I don't want anyone to treat me as if they need to walk on eggshells (which actually... they do seeing as I'm prone to snap at people once a week). How can i possibly explain how it feels to have no living parents to someone who's always had a happy parent-child relationship. While it's only been a month, and the process of grief is a long and hard road, and initial feelings are obviously very complex and hard to explain (as can be seen by the above...), I just wondered how have other people coped in the initial first months? Did you start anything new to distract yourself? Did you find any books/anything helpful? I reached out to counseling agencies but.... long waiting lists combined with little money means waiting for a long time...
  17. It's been over a year since my dad put a gun to his head and sprayed his brains all over the house that I grew up in. I wasn't there when it happened, but just knowing that it happened that way haunts me constantly. My father had survived cancer, and fought with that for most of my life, so I thought he could survive anything. I never knew how sad he was, and now that I have been slapped in the face with it, I can't shake this terrible feeling. I feel like I wasn't a good enough daughter to him. Like i failed him because i thought he was stronger than he was. Like most little girls, I grew up idolizing my dad. Thinking of him as a super hero. A rock. An unstoppable force who was going to be by my side and in my life forever. But that was not the case. He left me in a blood-stained memory, and all I can do is think about him. Everything comes back to that phone call I got saying he was gone. There are so many days where I feel all I can do is cry and think about every moment I ever spent with him. Some days I'm just bitter and pissed off about everything and I want to punch everyone in the face who's having a better time than I am. I think about his death constantly. I dream about it. And I have become so dependent on substances to fade away the reality of everything, when I try not to drink or smoke, I end up feeling everything 100 times stronger. I just want to be numb. I want to stop feeling all of this. I feel too much at once, and I just hate how much this event has taken over my life. I loved my dad more than anything. He was always the one I could talk to when things weren't going well, or the first person I'd want to call when everything was going great! I have no one now, or at least it feels that way. I am not the same person I was before his suicide, and the people who love me might not love this new me. They might only love the old me, and she's never coming back. it was two weeks before my 25th birthday when it happened. Everything near his death date is tainted. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't want any of it anymore, because it will never be the same. All I ever wanted was for my father to see me succeed. And I'll never get that chance. He died knowing I was a loser. He died knowing I hadn't become anyone yet. That I hadn't done anything with my life. Well, I'm doing something now. At least, I'm trying. I'm trying to get my art out there. I'm trying to get my life in order. I've quit smoking for over 5 months now (and I want to break down every minute of every day and smoke, but I'm staying strong). He'll never get to see the woman I'm becoming. It tears me up inside when I realize everything he's missing. And then I just start to get angry, because there are so many times when I've wanted to give up on everything. But I haven't. I'm still here. I'm still here fighting with my own pain, and now on top of it, I'm fighting with his, too. It's so much weight for one set of shoulders to carry, but I'm doing my damnedest.
  18. My dad passed away 7 years ago, I was around 13. And I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to forget what his voice sounded like. What he looked like exactly, his laugh lines I used to remember, the way his rough hands felt holding mine when I needed comfort. I'm starting to forget his boisterous laugh. I'm starting to forget the simple moments. Not the moments, the big ones. I'm starting to forget his personality, like how he would react to certain situations now. I forget what my mom was like around him.. how happy she was. What my little brother was like around him,. The only man in his life he still needs guidance from. I'm starting to forget and all I want to do is keep these memories engrained in my mind forever. I'm starting to forget the pieces of me that were shaped because of him. The sound of him coming home from work. His favorite music, his favorite food. The way he said I love you.
  19. I have never posted on a site like this before but I am really struggling and looking for some help or advice. My biological father, who I never got the chance to meet, died by suicide over the summer. I found out about his passing only two weeks after it happened through a google search of his name since I wanted to try to find a picture of him to show my significant other. I always assumed I would be able to meet him and share my life with him someday, but the choice is no longer mine. He made the decision for me when he took his own life and I am very sad and angry about it. I don't know how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet, much less how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet who committed suicide. I feel as if I am grieving for him as a person as well as grieving for the relationship we never got to have and now never will.
  20. Hello, I am 25 years old, I have a twin sister and our father is 53 and an Air force veteran. Im not sure what all exactly to type here but if its okay ill just type everything that sums it up sorry if i ramble alot. I tried to shorten this the best way possible. my mom and dad are divorced and have been since me and my sis were 9 or 10, but after a few years of bad mouthing each other i guess, they buried the hatchet and became friends and remained friends. my mom remarried and my dad stayed single. When me and my sister were born my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a golf-ball and it would cause him to have grand mal seizures through the years. He was told he had six months to live at the time, but has survived for 25 years since his first diagnosis. He has had five brain operations in order to try and remove the tumor that kept growing back because of the 'roots'. When I was 17, in July of 2008 I believe he had his final surgery and all seemed well after I stayed at his house and watched him regain his speech and motor functions quite rapidly but one morning something was wrong, the night before he began to look like he had a black eye but he was seemingly fine until he didn't want to get out of bed the next morning, so me and my sis called his father who didn't live far away and he was able to rouse my dad and make him stand up. When he stood up he had a mass of blood swelling on the left side of his head that made it look as if he had been in a fight he had a black eye that was swollen shut and a lump on the side of his head at his temple. Since then everything has been a roller coaster of bull that was going downhill for him through the last few years. he has been in and out of care facilities like nursing homes or those places where the resident could go home for a few hours a day by shuttle bus where he could receive 24 hour care. Last year in the summertime 2015, my pawpaw asked me or my sis if we would mind staying at my dads house to help him and stuff and I didn't mind at all, so I went and all seemed fine until that evening around 2 am something woke me up he was out of bed trying to go to the bathroom and couldn't move. This went on for 3 days or so, back and fourth. I would have to wait until morning to get my pawpaw and a neighbor to help lift my dad but until then I would make a bed for him on the floor and try to make him comfortable, he wouldn't let me change his underwear or clean him up. I am 5ft 133 lbs and my dad is 5'8 ish 200 something lbs I couldn't lift him to save my life. He was getting progressively worse hour after hour and after a few back and fourth phone calls from my pawpaw to the VA a nurse came to visit and passed off my dad like everything was just peachy holding his hand asking if he was okay and speaking softly. The following day, two awesome nurses came over and did a full head to toe check on him but I was not allowed to be in the room, only his parents were, and I was told they had discovered that my dad, who had a biopsy a month or so before to check the tumor growth, the wound from the biopsy was covered with a medical patch that was to be changed daily by either a nurse or his mom who is elderly and it wasn't getting done every day - at the time I didnt know it was supposed to be every day- well it wasn't healing right, and left pencil sized hole in his head causing him to catch an infection that is eating his skull and tissue on the brain along with an ever growing tumor that is causing him to lose his basic functions he is now bed ridden and unable to open his eyes, eat or speak this took a few months and the last few days he became comatose. Me and my sister think very highly of our father, and mother. To see him like this breaks my heart into a million pieces, I feel so much regret that I didn't tell him I loved him enough or spent enough time with him since we chose to live with our mom when we were transitioning to high-school, I can still remember the look on his face when we were asked who we wanted to live with and I hesitated, my sister said "mom" and I wanted to stay with both because I love them the same and my dad was staring towards his feet and his expression is burned into my memory I wish I would have chosen him, maybe he would've been okay. A few days ago he lost consciousness and couldn't eat, drink or speak. My pawpaw mentioned to me and my sis a few months ago to 'prepare' but I can't handle this, seeing my once proud father laying in a bed wearing an adult diaper, squirming from time to time like a baby it just makes me wanna scream. i hate to compare him to that or belittle him by saying that, im not trying to. im so lost i don't know what to do i feel so helpless and empty, i love him so much and people keep telling me to pray and i and think, pray for what? your stupid comments? It makes me so angry. this isnt fair he's so nice and doesn't deserve this at all. i havent ever cried this hard in my life i think i got the neighbors attention by accident when i was outside with my dog. i often go outside late at night on the nights that my dog has a late night potty break, and i just stare at the sky and living in the country you can see the stars pretty well. I just wonder and look up, i feel empty when i do not sure if im hoping to find something or what. He doesn't have long. the doctor said maybe hours, or days. I got him to drink some water around 3 am since me and my mom stayed overnight to watch him, and this morning on March 17th 2016 I got him to eat some breakfast because he awoke from the fever and the comatose state but it's a small false sanctuary to see my dad open his eyes. his eyes are glazed over now when he did open them and im not sure he can't see anymore. his left eye *the side of the tumor* is sunken in or swollen shut I cant really tell but it looks to me like his eyes are lazy now probably from the pressure? i don't know. but me and my mom went home and swapped out with my sister who is staying there tonight so I can get some sleep my mom went back up there to help. I feel so weird and sad that im going to lose one of the few people I love. i cant really put into words how i feel, i cant imagine how my mom & sis feels or his parents. i would do almost anything just to hear one of his cheesy jokes again and to sit with him and watch any movie he likes, i hate the andy griffith show but id love to sit and watch it with him and hear him laugh at a punchline as if he hadn't heard it 100 times before, or to receive one of his bear hugs or to hear one of his ridiculous yawns as he crossed his arms for his afternoon nap because the race was too boring. I want him to get ready for a weekend fishing trip, he was always more of a fisherman than a hunter. He hated bow hunting, and believed in using every usable part of the animal when hunting or fishing, he was raised not to waste an animal that you kill. I want him to annoy me or my mom again out of fun, i just want him to be okay, i want my dad back, i want to see him walk through the door and give me his half grin. i want to go to lunch to that place where we ate classic burgers and fries, where they knew our table and names and drink choice, and hear him make his order of "a double cheeseburger with chilly, ketchup and mustard, and coleslaw." i can hear his voice saying it in that pattern. i already miss him so much it hurts
  21. My stepfather, who has served as my father for forty years, since I was thirteen, is now at the age 87, facing mortality. He has been an extraordinarily self-disciplined and productive individual his entire life, a scholar who has produced a book a year since his retirement at the age of 60, and an activist for many causes. Even until a few weeks ago he was flying off to conferences to give lectures, and was diving into our gym's swimming pool head first. But then two weeks ago TIA mini-strokes set in and he's been severely incapacitated. He is lucid and can function at a severely reduced pace now if he doesn't leave his apartment and barely engages in any physical activity, but we all know the inevitable is on its way soon. This is hard for me, for him, for my mother, and for everybody else.
  22. I found my dad passed away in his chair in our living room on Monday and the funeral is tomorrow. I'm 20 and he was 46. He wasn't in the best health, but not sick and we still don't know the cause. It still doesn't feel real and I keep having flashbacks to finding him, looking for a pulse, etc. and it's all a really upsetting process. I can't go in the living room, I blocked it off completely to avoid it and I can't sleep or eat. I almost threw up several times at the wake earlier. I don't know how to cope and I feel really horrible about all of it. I know it's probably not the best but I'm just blocking everything out to the point where I barely remember anything this week, and I'm really spacey and forgetful in general now. I'm not sure how to get through the funeral, having to acknowledge everything.
  23. Hello...I hope this will help me sort through my emotions a bit. A little over three weeks ago, my father passed away unexpectedly in his sleep due to a pulmonary embolism (a clot that stops the heart). I received the call that he was dead after a late night class. My heart is so broken. I love my dad so much. Everything reminds me of him. The grocery store, flowers, Chinese food, green Jeeps, lemonade, matzo ball soup.... I am at a loss for words. He loved me and my siblings so much and was so proud of us. He was an incredibly talented musician, and his funeral was attended by around 400 people who knew him for his talent with the saxophone and bass. He taught me to play guitar when I was six. I am so proud of my dad. I miss him. I would give anything to hear his voice. I know he is with me, but sometimes it is very difficult not to feel the absence more than this new kind of presence...it is all still so new and so shocking. All I know these days is that I love him with all of my heart, and I will miss him every single day. If anyone is interested in sharing stories of a lost loved one, or facts about them, I'd be happy to read them. I know telling stories about my Dad makes me feel better sometimes... Thanks for reading... -AG
  24. It's been just over two years now since my dad passed away and it hurts the same everyday that goes by, the pain doesn't get any easier and little things I see related to him just remind me of him so much and absolutely kills me inside. The biggest regret I have which burns me inside was that the last night before he passed away he waited up for me till 4am but I didn't come home till 6am because I had a stupid argument with my friend and after coming home I didn't kiss him good night as I used to then at 8am all I heard was my sister screaming that he wouldn't wake up and when I ran downstairs there he was asleep straight up on the sofa. He passed away a week and a half after my 20th birthday and I find it so hard to move on, I still get flashbacks of doing chest compressions on him, the ambulance responder using the electric machine which made my dad's body jump in the air, it all still haunts me and when I sit in that room I can picture my dad infront of me. The bubbly, happy man who always made me happy and never said no to me is no longer here and I always feel like it'd my fault for not being a better son and providing him with the pride he deserveed such as me getting my first job, passing my driving. I did all this after he passed away and it eats at me that he raised me for 20 years and just as I was getting to the point of being able to show him his hard work wasn't in vein and now he left me. Life doesn't feel the same anymore but I try my best to be there for my mum and younger sister. :’(
  25. Where to begin? My father passed away on September 29th. He and my mother had been married right at 45 years. They met when my mother was 19. She was from a small farm town, he from "the city." Throughout my life (I'm 39), my mother has made her house and her husband and kids (my brother and I) her entire life. When I was very young she had a couple of friends, but by the mid 80s she didn't talk to them often. My father kept her very well "protected." Anything she wanted done? He did it. Right away. They both worked very hard to make a living, neither of them having colleg educations. Mom stayed home when my brother and I were very young, but worked alongside my father at his furniture store in the late 80s, and since 1996, at another furniture store. I came out to my parents when I was 21. It almost killed them. I was given the choice to live at home and be "normal" or I could move out and do whatever I wanted. I was living at home at the time trying to finish college - and seeing someone - so the choice was clear. I dropped out of college for 2 years and moved out and learned to support myself. Mom cried for 2 weeks straight. I tried to make it as easy on my parents as I could - they requested I not tell a soul. So I didn't. Not even my own brother - nor anyone else I cared about. That of course put a wedge between most family and friends of mine - because I couldn't ever be truthful about myself to them. My parents and I continued to talk - it wasn't like I was banished from the family. It was just never spoken of. It did certainly though change our relationship greatly. My brother and I had "the conversation" around 2007 - he had known for a while, as I expected. We aren't close - I'm sure because I felt the need to distance myself from him since I couldn't talk about myself with him over the years. Still, we mostly get along. He had a child 2 years ago, and that made my Mom a very happy grandma. In 2007, I bought a house with my partner (we've now been together 13 years). That "forced" my parents to meet him. I'll give kudos to them - since then, they've been fairly nice about things. He comes to Christmas, Thanksgiving - and they have treated him mostly with respect. We all live in the same town - so I'd call them almost daily (as my mother has preferred since I left home to go to college). I'd stop by once a week/2 weeks. I haven't particularly enjoyed spending time with either of them. My mother is a demanding woman, and her point of view is the ONLY correct one to have. Just today she was over at my house rattling off a list of things I need to do - from landscaping to decorating (my tastes don't matter - hers do). She tends to be very self-centered, though she's oblivious to it. My father would cater to every whim - which is why I think she's so far removed from the real world (ironically, she's always insisted I was the one living in "fantasy land"). Five years ago, Mom came down with some intense nerve pain in her face - and my father has been taking her to all kinds of different doctors trying to figure out what's going on. I've inherited that job and continue to try to do my best to find her some relief. Mom's watched all but one of her mother and 6 siblings die (along with her father, who died when she was just 11). She has one brother left, who's on Oxygen - and lives about an hour away. They don't converse a whole lot. Dad had a heart attack in 1996 and scared Mom to death. He was a lifelong smoker and had a few stents keeping him alive. She came home from the grocery store on September 29th and found him unresponsive on the floor of the bathroom my brother and I shared growing up. Cardiac arrest. He as 65. I knew it was getting to be time to start worrying about these things (I've asked him numerous times in the last 2 years to talk about what would happen - would Mom be able to live alone? He insisted yes). In general, he (nor my mother) wanted to discuss it. Her immediate reaction was to do EVERYTHING. I mean everything. She had his entire estate wrapped up within a month (thankfully, he had a lot of his final details lined up for us). She also immediately put my brother and I to work. We were remodeling the bathroom my father died in literally the day after he died. I was in shock and couldn't make heads or tails of what was happening around me - and the last thing I wanted to do was paint, caulk, and install electrical fixtures. We ran endless errands. I was totally exhausted within 24 hours. This went on for months - down to picking up individual leaves out of her yard because she couldn't stand not having a perfectly groomed yard. In addition, she suddenly felt the need to tell just about everyone that I was gay. She outted me to most of my family and her neighbors - all without telling me. That alone would put me into shock - but try having that conversation with your aunt just a week after your father died. My brother quickly illustrated that he wasn't going to be much help. Granted, he has a kid - and I later found out he and his wife had a miscarriage just a month before my father passed away. He has a lot on his plate. So, I've tried to bare the brunt of taking care of Mom. My brother is pregnant again, and has little time for Mom - he sees her maybe once a week. So here I am, 6 months later. I go to her house every day after work, for about an hour (I have to get home to let my dog out). I'll easily spend 3 to 4 hours with her on weekends. If I don't go see her, she comes to visit me. My partner and I went under contract to buy a huge new house that needs a lot of work just weeks before Dad died. We moved in about a month after Dad's passing. In addition, I've had a job change in January. To say I'm spread thin is an understatement. Mom's alone now. She's terrified of living alone. She went through a month where she couldn't feel safe. I installed door alarms, flood lights - everything I could to try to make her feel more safe. She has a childhood-rooted fear of thunderstorms and will leave her house to go walk around Wal-Mart during one so she isn't alone. We live in NC, where storms pop up almost daily in the spring and summer. I've managed to be with her during most of them so far - but I can't keep that up much longer. She has really no family - no friends. Just my brother and I. We've encouraged her daily to go to church - volunteer - find a new job - go out to lunch with a neighbor. She wants none of that. She only wants my brother and myself. She's now lost her job due to her furniture store closing. She's also been diagnosed with chronic bronchitis, since she's a lifelong smoker too. I easily understand how sitting alone in her house is driving her crazy. But there doesn't seem to be an answer to any of this. I text her 5 times a day, call 3 times - stop by after work and on weekends. And she still feels like I don't spend remotely enough time with her. I want to be there for her - but I'd like my life back, please! I've invited her to stay the night with me - and she always refuses. I spent many nights at her house between September and December to try to make her feel more comfortable. That alone was a traumatic experience for me - I hadn't slept in their house in 20 years. She's gone to see a counselor 3 times now - but insists she isn't getting anything out of it. I tell her it takes a lot longer for that to work - but she doesn't hear a word I say (never has). I went to counseling myself a couple of times, trying to show her it was nothing to be afraid of. Mom's only asked me 4 times since my father's death if I'm dealing with things ok. It's almost as if she's oblivious to the fact that my brother and I are also trying to grieve. It's true - I've barely thought about my father since the day he died - because I've been too busy trying to make sure my mother's ok. I fear that's going to come back and bite me in the future. By Christmas the new house, my emotions, and my mother had got the best of me - people started telling me I wasn't looking good. I've tried to back off from Mom just a smudge. It's hard to go watch your Mom cry EVERY SINGLE DAY when I visit. She's loosened her reign on me just a touch - but no where near enough. I wish for things to go back to how they were - where I'd see her once a week or so. I don't think that will ever happen. I'm at wits end at this point, as I simply don't know what to do to make things change. To get just a sliver of my life back. My partner has been tremendous through all this - but he's lost all patience with my mother's antics and neediness. I know for certain I don't want to ever lose him. But, I also have always had this ridiculous drive to make my parents happy. I had hoped to move to California when I was young - but chose not to - so I could remain near my parents, in case anything ever happened. I literally gave up my hopes and dreams simply to make my mother happy. I feel like now is that point when she needs me most, which makes it almost impossible for me to try to detach myself from her. I've only had 3 social events in the last 6 months where I got to see friends - I'm too busy spending time with my mother. So, I welcome any comments or thoughts on how to best handle this situation. Any ideas on how to help my mother stand on her own - and for me to get a glimmer of hope that my life isn't over. I don't want to be doomed to be shackled to her until she dies (with her health issues, I can't imagine she's going to go as quickly as easily as my father did). I don't want her to visit me and do nothing but rattle off a list of what I'm doing wrong. I want to spend more than an hour with my partner on weekends. I want to know she's "ok" (not even happy, just ok!) more than anything else.