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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Found 22 results

  1. Hello everyone, I'm new here. I am 32 years old, a wife, and mother of 2. I have a tendency to ramble on so I apologize in advance for what promises to be a long post. My little family has been absolutely shaken by loss in a very short amount of time. In mid October we unexpectedly lost my mother-in-law who lived with us. We were all very close, especially my 9 year old daughter who shared a room with her. It was very hard on my whole family but we felt we were going to push through even though it hurt every day. We were finally settling into a feeling of at least half normalcy by the time the holidays came around this year. We invited my mother to come stay with us and spend Christmas with her grandchildren a few days before Christmas Eve. My mom and I planned our large traditional Christmas Eve meal, talked about all the fun holiday things like what the kids Elf on the Shelf would be doing, making cookies and basically were enjoying our time together as a family. I woke up at 6:30am on Christmas Eve to have my morning coffee and moment of clarity before the kids were up and moving. I peeked in on my mother who was typically up way before me and she was snoring away. The kids woke up around 8:30 excited to see what their Elf was up to and my husband was moseying around. I turned to him and said "Wow, mom is really sleeping. She must be comfortable. She might not even be breathing" honestly just meaning it as a joke but she wasn't. He took a look at her and told me to send the kids to their room and we called 911. I did CPR on her, the EMTs did CPR and other procedures and got her heart to start back up 3 times between my home and the hospital. By that night it was determined that she had been without oxygen too long, her blood pressure was very low on 3 medications to keep it up, and she was on a breathing machine. At about 4am Christmas Day we got the phone call that she had passed away at 56 years old. This has been the absolute shock of my life. I am an only child and my parents were divorced 20 years ago. It's been her and me for as long as I could remember. I'm handling grief a lot differently than I though I would. I had 2 actual breakdowns, Christmas Eve when the ambulance left and also at the hospital. There have been moments of my day since then where I'm doing things and cry for maybe a minute. The entire planning process of her funeral service and at the actual service, I kept telling my husband that I felt like everyone was waiting for me to cry...and maybe that's why I didn't? I'm really not sure but I know everyone grieves in their own way. My heart hurts and I am broken inside, but I feel like I'm all cried out and can't do it anymore. That's half of why I'm here...I don't care about being normal but I don't want to seem like a "cold" person. I'm torn apart but I know I have these 2 amazing kids I have to be strong for...and I also feel like maybe there have been so many other parts of life that have broken me already that maybe I'm used to emotional pain. I don't know if that even makes sense. The other reason I'm here is because I'm having some issues with family after her passing. I love them all very much and know they love me, this is not the problem. I find myself avoiding talking to most of them right now. I feel like I need SPACE. I have talked to my grandmother several times and everything she wants to talk about is things that I need to DO instead of just checking with how I am. For this reason I've mostly been avoiding her. I know that sounds awful but I wouldn't answer the phone for most people on a normal day before all of this because of anxiety and depression. When I talk to her, it's always her telling me to run to my mom's house 30 minutes away to do something, or go to the post office in my mom's town to check her PO box, or coming to her house that's almost an hour away. After all the loss my family has gone through we are financially burdened...it has come down to the last few dollars to our name going on food and gas for my husband to get to work. We are on the verge of being evicted if we don't have our rent together in a week. I feel awful to tell her that I can't do these things but I honestly just can't afford to constantly be running around everywhere right now. So for this reason I've been just blocking her out even though I know it's wrong. I hate to have to tell her the financial situation we're in I think because I'm not a person who like to admit what feels like defeat and failure. It's tearing me apart because I know I should be calling her, but I don't know how to handle any of it right now so I just shut down. I know I have a lot of responsibility in taking care of my mother's home and getting it cleaned out and ready to sell but I feel like it isn't going anywhere and right now I just need to be the most present person for my kids and husband and keep pushing us to get things together. I'm overwhelmed by stress, grief, anxiety, depression, and trying to appease everyone around me. If people ask me how I am, I just say that my soul and spirit are tired. Anyway, I don't know if anyone can relate to anything I've said, or maybe I'm just losing it through all of this. No one teaches you how to cope, and no one could possibly teach or tell you how to act or feel when these things happen. I'm going forward with this the only way I know how whether it's right or wrong. I would love it if anyone had any insight to anything I'm feeling, to maybe help me feel like I'm not crazy or a bad person, or even to tell me I am. I'm struggling with my feelings and the way I'm handling things every day.
  2. auntie wanting to do what I can

    I'm writing as an auntie of a 2-y-o who was diagnosed with cancer in June. She and her whole immediate family (my sister, BIL, nephew) have all been amazing at taking things day by day and keeping a positive attitude. Unfortunately, it is looking like we will lose her very soon. I want to reach out to all of you to ask what I can do to support my sister and her family as they go through these next few days, weeks, years. What did family/friends do or not do that was important or helpful? I don't want to be asking her, I would like to be able to do things that she doesn't even have to ask for. Up to now I have been somewhat the intermediary between her and my family, updates, etc. as well as wrangling my mom, when needed. I know that nothing I can do will make anything "better" but I would like some ideas of how I could help. Thank you in advance, and my heart is with all of you, as well. Thank you.
  3. Hello. My name is Agness. I've been to Disney Land with my family not long ago. I'm married and we have a small daughter Anny. We've been walking whole day, our little girl bought the whole Disney Land. And after a long day, there was a feeling of heaviness or pain in the legs and in the head. I was really exhausted. The feeling is quite unpleasant and brings discomfort. At these moments I mainly wanted to lie down and relax. There are many different ways to let your feet rest. And of course, I know some secrets. I often keep my feet in cool water, in water with sea salt. Also, I use special creams, I do or make trays or baths with special components. And after the baths, I use a foot massager. It well enhances the effect of other means. Since I do the pedicure by myself, I visit salon rarely. The massager my master pedicure advised me and I began to look for a shop where I can buy it. Then I've noticed one source , started to explore it and it was really useful. Due to fairly accurate characteristics, I spent only 2 hours to choose it. Now my weekdays are much more pleasant and easier. I'm going to give the same massager to my mom, as she is a pharmacist and she is always on her feet.
  4. I have been reading other people's words listening to them whie they scream out their thoughts, while trying to understand their emotions and fears for several months now, but this will be my first time writing about mine. I didn't know these forums existed. I found them on accident. How I found them and why is what I would Iike to say outloud today. My family was completely jacked up, and broken my whole life. They are out there. I may have seen family only once or just through the years of my childhood but I don't know them now or where they have moved or gone to. But what I did have was AMAZING! I grew up with three of the most amazing people I could ever ask for. My Grandma, my Paps, and my Mom. I was raised by my Grandparents as though I was their own. My Grandma couldn't have children so my mom and uncle (which were biological siblings) were adopted by my grandparents. So when I was born my mamaw had something in her life she had never had before, a little baby. She fell in love with me that very moment. I was hers and she mine. She held me first and never let go. My mom was 24 at the time but was a fucked up lost little girl. Her childhood prior to grandma ND grandpa was something out of a horror film. He biological mom caught on fire one time on purpose and then left for three weeks. They eventually just left them alone at ages 4 and 7. My mom was drunk and did drugs but mainly an acoholic. After 2 years of living at home again she moved out and I stayed. Fine with me is what I said at that time. I lived an amazing life growing up. I had everything I ever wanted. I was spoiled. My mother was in my life but the older I got the less I wanted to see her. I never hated her, I just didn't need her. Everyone's life changed all at once when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in 1997. It was bad too. We fought it everyday, we fought as though it was ripping our souls out. Grandma was the glue that held everything together. It was all a dream to me. She went to surgery to get a 35lb tumor removed from her uterus and the odds of her coming out alive was less than 25 percent. It lasted 6 hours. My grandpa is amazing. I have only seen him cry 2 times in his life that was the very first time the second was when she died. It was real too. He knew the longer she was in surgery the better the chance he would get to see her again. I was 20 years old and at that very moment I got to a man completely in love with a woman. I am so grateful for that moment. She survived it. When she came out of surgery she could have reached and wanted anyone but as I buried my head in the spare hospital bed crying uncontrollably she speaks out " I hear my Cody where is my Cody"? That moment will live with me forever. She told me 3 years later when the cancer came back stronger, I was her favorite person in the whole world. She was my soulmate and I was hers. She passed away on September 13, 2000. I spent the next 8 years of my life in a dark drunk drugged out world. I didn't give a **** about anything. That changed everyone's life. My mother left her jackass husband that beat her. I started to see her become strong. Our relationship is now just starting after 23 years. My mother took care of my paps his last 7 years of his life like champion. I am so proud of her. She was sober, she was momma and I still had my paps. Still to this day I think it's BS that he is not right here with me. He was the strongest man I have ever known. He was such an amazing man. He chose to not only adopt my mother and uncle and raise them but he also chose to do it all again for me. I love him so much. I am so grateful for him and all did for me. To this day he is still doing things for me because of the way he raised me. He died on July 1, 2010. He had just about anything and everything wrong with him. I was so angry with him when he died. I was screaming at him to wake the **** up. I was so mad for so long. That's all he had to do was wake up and it would have been ok. I still don't believe it. He was my best friend and miss him everyday. I can't talk about this one. Wow! Holy **** Wow. There has been many things in my life that has influenced me or changed my thought process but when my mother died, everything I was, everything I ever knew, all went away like it really wasn't ever there. She had liver disease from drinking. Her liver wouldn't function properly so it started shutting down her kidneys and was putting her at high risk of heart failure. I saw my Mother, SHE WAS MY MOTHER, DETERIORATE into nothing. I spent every moment I wasn't at work right there by her side and most days I just stayed there. God damn it. It was horrible. It was so bad. It was the worst time in my entire life and I hope I never have anything to ever compare it to. On August 15th 2017 I had to make a decision to take her off of life support and have hospice take care of her going forward. She died in her home 4 days later on August 19, 2017. I didn't know what was to come after that, but now I do. Mom told Louie, my EX stepfather the asshole that chose to stay home and smoke weed while on FMLA instead of being with his wife while I was paying their mortgage cause he wouldn't work, to make sure I was OK. She was worried this would put me over the deep end Worse than when grandma died. I didn't think that would be possible. Boy was wrong. I am alone. I have no one that loves me unconditionally anymore. I don't have an emergency contact I can write down. There is no one I can have a 2 way conversation with about a childhood memory that may have crossed my mind or something funny that happened at a Christmas dinner, or the smell of the lilac trees that grew under our kitchen windows. After about 3 or 4 months ago i started thinking that I am going to die too soon. I am going hurt myself, just that I am going to die soon too. My life will never be the same. My soul the energy that became me was ripped out of my body leaving me lifeless. To be honest with you I really dont give a **** if I do die. It really doesn't matter to me one bit. I am definitely not scared of it. Started reading these blogs because these feelings that I am having of me dying soon made me think I was going crazy. I needed to hear and see and find out if other people in my situation have the same type of thoughts and feelings. And out of the 200 blogs I read all 200 of them feel said the same thing that I think. That is not coincidence. Losing your entire family is catastrophic, who knows what'll happen tomorrow or the next day and you most certainly are never going to get over it. People that I can't stand are the ones that think they can actually say something to you, like they know what you're going through. Let's just get it straight you have no fucking idea what goes on in my mind and how I feel. You sure as hell are in no position to try to give me advice or say **** like it's all going to get ok, you will see. You have to stop thinking about things, try and put your mind on something else. The say **** like would your mother like you doing what you are right now? Dumb fucking question. My mother would tell me to do whatever the **** it is that I need to do and tell the to mind their own business. You have no idea so why don't you save us both the fucking time and just sit back and smile and get the **** out of my way. It's my life and I know that more than ever now, its a life I have to live now being alone. All I can do now is sit and keep waiting to die.
  5. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  6. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  7. Alright, my mother passed away on the 7th of December, 2016. Up to the very day she passed, we had been estranged since 2001. I did make attempts to reconcile, but she never made any efforts. So, now she's gone and I am saddled with unfinished business. The rest of the family sided with her and the reasons why she turned her back on me. And because she did and they did.....I left the area, never to return. I have since been able to "start-up" my life again, and have been happily married for the last 14 years. So, what do you make of this? She died without trying to re-connect with me, and the family has , quite frankly become "dysfunctional" per another family member. Ideas?
  8. My name is Veronica Droser and my father died in January 2011. Since then I have been interested in understanding more about how bereaved individuals and families cope with and make sense of death. As part of my work, I am studying how the parent-child relationship is impacted by spousal/parental death. This project is my doctoral dissertation, and represents a way of not only giving back to the community, but also of processing and giving meaning to my dad’s death. I am recruiting parent/child pairs who have experienced the death of a spouse or partner/parent to take an online survey. The survey can be found here (tinyurl.com/familylosssurvey), and is anonymous and confidential. You can also enter to win one of 10 $20 gift cards. If you would like more information please email Veronica at vadroser@gmail.com.
  9. I'm going to start off by saying this feels a bit crazy to me, i've never used a forum before, but i really feel like this is the only place i can turn to. Last october i found and collected a kitten that had been on sale from a farm about 40 minutes north of my home, and from the moment i first saw him I fell in love with him. I named him pablo, he was black and white, with jazzy patterns down his front legs. I promised him i'd look after him and love him always. From that moment on, Pablo was my best friend, my little baby cat. He slept on the pillow next to me tucked under my blanket, he sat on my shoulder, he walked in between my legs, i even used to sneak him tiny bits of cake (that was his fave). I'd only ever left him for two nights to go to paris for my 18th, i left him with my mom, she looked after him well and sent me lots of pictures. On wednesday i went away again, this time only to wales for two nights, Pablo was left with my mom again. I had a really great time, but walking back from the train station all i could think about was seeing Pabs again. As soon as i walked through the door my mom told me she wanted a word with me and took me into the lounge. She showed me this little cat, she had been talking about letting me have another one as a companion for pablo when i wasnt there, so i got really excited, until i realised pabs wasnt there. my mom told me that on wednsday night even though all of the windows were locked he'd somehow dissapeared and ran away, so i instantly wanted to look for him. She then changed her story and said that he'd died and council had taken him away and i couldnt see him again. It was all very overwhelming. All i could think of doing was calling my dad, my mom hadnt been making any sense and obviously i wanted to go look for my Pabs. After a few story changes i was finally told the truth (kind of) - My moms boyfried accidently let Pablo out on his way to work eart thursday morning, and he'd been hit by a car on the next street over. she told me the council had taken his body and he was gone, which devistated me, i wanted to give pablo a burrial and say sorry for leaving him, it would have never happened if i hadnt have left him. But driving towards my dad's house there in the middle of the road was pablo. relitivley flat, rotting in the middle of the road. my mother had left my baby to rot in the middle of the road for over a day and a half. honestly i've never been so heartbroken ever in my life, i feel really upset for pabs, nobody even put him out of his pain, they just left him. I collected him and wrapped him in his favorite blanket, and burried him under his favorite bit of grass in the garden. all i can do is cry, and i feel even more bad now as my mom has just tried to replace pabs with this new cat, but muffin will never be able to replace pablo, Pablo got me through some really tough times and was with me at some of my best. I hadn't even known him for a year but i thought we had so many left together. I really do love Pablo with all my heart and i hope wherever his afterlife has taken him he's happy, and he knows i love him so so much and i'll never ever forget him and the impact he's had on my life.
  10. I'm going to start off by saying this feels a bit crazy to me, i've never used a forum before, but i really feel like this is the only place i can turn to. Last october i found and collected a kitten that had been on sale from a farm about 40 minutes north of my home, and from the moment i first saw him I fell in love with him. I named him pablo, he was black and white, with jazzy patterns down his front legs. I promised him i'd look after him and love him always. From that moment on, Pablo was my best friend, my little baby cat. He slept on the pillow next to me tucked under my blanket, he sat on my shoulder, he walked in between my legs, i even used to sneak him tiny bits of cake (that was his fave). I'd only ever left him for two nights to go to paris for my 18th, i left him with my mom, she looked after him well and sent me lots of pictures. On wednesday i went away again, this time only to wales for two nights, Pablo was left with my mom again. I had a really great time, but walking back from the train station all i could think about was seeing Pabs again. As soon as i walked through the door my mom told me she wanted a word with me and took me into the lounge. She showed me this little cat, she had been talking about letting me have another one as a companion for pablo when i wasnt there, so i got really excited, until i realised pabs wasnt there. my mom told me that on wednsday night even though all of the windows were locked he'd somehow dissapeared and ran away, so i instantly wanted to look for him. She then changed her story and said that he'd died and council had taken him away and i couldnt see him again. It was all very overwhelming. All i could think of doing was calling my dad, my mom hadnt been making any sense and obviously i wanted to go look for my Pabs. After a few story changes i was finally told the truth (kind of) - My moms boyfried accidently let Pablo out on his way to work eart thursday morning, and he'd been hit by a car on the next street over. she told me the council had taken his body and he was gone, which devistated me, i wanted to give pablo a burrial and say sorry for leaving him, it would have never happened if i hadnt have left him. But driving towards my dad's house there in the middle of the road was pablo. relitivley flat, rotting in the middle of the road. my mother had left my baby to rot in the middle of the road for over a day and a half. honestly i've never been so heartbroken ever in my life, i feel really upset for pabs, nobody even put him out of his pain, they just left him. I collected him and wrapped him in his favorite blanket, and burried him under his favorite bit of grass in the garden. all i can do is cry, and i feel even more bad now as my mom has just tried to replace pabs with this new cat, but muffin will never be able to replace pablo, Pablo got me through some really tough times and was with me at some of my best. I hadn't even known him for a year but i thought we had so many left together. I really do love Pablo with all my heart and i hope wherever his afterlife has taken him he's happy, and he knows i love him so so much and i'll never ever forget him and the impact he's had on my life.
  11. Summer 2014

    Spending time with my mom <3
  12. Thanksgiving 2013

    Me with my best friend; my mom! I miss hear dearly and will love her always >3
  13. I lost my mother in April of 2014 when I was 19. She had a long battle with diabetes. In 2011 she had gangrene and lost her left leg. Then in 2013 she got gangrene in her right toes. Which resulted in her losing those as well. And in April of 2014 she passed away from the gangrene infection. She was my best friend. I never thought I could live my life without her. I honestly feel so numb anymore. Like nothing matters. I myself am having some family issues. When my mother passed away in April a month later I moved back in with my dad (after getting my own place in March) to help with bills and things. In May I went to McDonald's with a friend and got an $8 dollar meal for myself. I did use my father's money but what's $8 right? He got so mad at me for spending HIS money that he kicked me out. Luckily I have my fiance and his mother let us move in with her. In that same month I also lost my job because we had to move an hour away. Everything was OKAY until about Thanksgiving. I invited my sister to Thanksgiving Dinner with my fiance and I. My sister and father had been fighting and I didn't invite him. My sister was there for me more than he ever was. Well I made the wrong choice of inviting my Aunt as well. She told my father and now neither my Aunt or father want me in their lives. I know that I have my fiance. It just isn't the same as my mother and I know that I had his family on the holidays but again..its just not the same. Somedays...I just feel like I want to die just so that I can be with my mom again so she can make everything better, but I know that's not how it works.
  14. I wrote an article for my college writing platform about my mother's death and not being able to say my last goodbyes to her. I also interviewed a variety of people who have lost their loved ones from different reason. It's all very touching and personal. Please read, share and comment. https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254
  15. My cousin and best friend killed himself more than 2 years ago. I recently got married and he would have been a big part of the wedding had he been around. He had been my best friend for 15 years. We spoke at least once a day and usually more than that. I live in California and he lived in Missouri so speaking on the phone and texting and emailing were what kept us close. He was the one person who understood me. No one will ever just get me like he did and I don't think anyone really understood him the way that I did, but I still have no idea why he chose to kill himself. At my wedding I had a candle and picture of him just so that he was there in some way, I almost didn't put it out though. I have not passed the pissed off stage of grief and I do not see how I will ever be able to. How will I ever be able to move past this and not be angry every time I think about him? He did not give us a reason for why he decided to take his life. He left letters for a couple of his friends and his parents and brother and girlfriend, but that was it. And while all the letters were different the message was the same: I love you, I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I did not receive a letter. I tell myself I didn't get a letter because we had had a falling out not too long before it happened, but I don't really know why. Not that it would have changed anything if I had gotten one, none of the letters gave a reason. I know he loved me and that we would have been close again if he were still here. I just don't know how to find closure and let the anger go. Anyone have any ideas on how to begin that process? Any suggestions would be most helpful. Thank you.
  16. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry at night... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it went on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help..because I am not strong.. I am weak... I feel like I will never be happy... I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  17. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it goes on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help.. I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  18. It's been over a year since my Aunt Lisa has passed, but I have now come to the point of realizing she isn't with us any longer . She was like a second mother to me . She passed very suddenly . I have very poor coping skills, and as a recovered addict, I fear a relapse . If anyone could tell me what has helped them get though the grieving it would be really helpful .
  19. My little boy Riley still has a nap every day. When he was due to wake up one day recently, my husband, daughter Summer and I went to check on him. We stood there adoring him with his sweet, peaceful, sleeping face. He must have felt our presence because after a few flutters of his eyes, he began to wake up. Feeling inspired, I said to Jason and Summer “He’s awake! Let’s all do a happy dance!” They were keen so together we danced a jig of joy that our little friend was awake and ready to play with broad smiles on our faces and laughter in our hearts. Riley immediately sat bolt upright in bed, himself brimming with happiness, ready for his next adventure with the people he loved whom he knew loved him. I got the strongest feeling while we were doing this that this must be how our loved ones in spirit greet us when we arrive in heaven. It’ll be like waking up from a beautiful dream and finding ourselves in comfortable surroundings with familiar, loving beings delighted to see us. Home.
  20. Of my immediate family. I lost my mom of natural causes in late 2004 and a sister of suicide in late 2005, a little over one year apart. We had been six people, originally. I would think about the following. For a long time I had my dad and two sisters. And then my dad died, back in February of this year (2013). He had flu-like symptoms. It ended up being over seven years that we were spared a death and that there were the four of us. I had my dad that long. It felt like a while. But really I would prefer many more years. I badly wanted him to get to maybe at least mid-70s if not 80+, have a full long life. He was 67 when he died. And with his tendency to stay healthy, before this illness, he had seemed like he might live long. I loved my dad so much.
  21. My youngest daughter (19) and I just returned from visiting my 25 year old daughter in Rehab for alcohol. As part of her program the family spends a week learning how to deal with the addicted personality. I'll start from the beginning. In May of 2006 my daughter was ejected in a single car rollover at 65 mph. She survived the accident with a fractured hip, a torn femoral artery, broken arm, some internal injuries, and a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage along with frontal bruising of the brain. She was in a vegetative state for 9 weeks. She started responding and came through her physical injuries pretty well. I spent 5 months with her first at the hospital, then Rehabilitation. The outward signs of her injury are in her voice, balance, and fine motor skills. She walks without aid after spending 8 months in a wheelchair. She re-learned to do most everything. She's attractive. My daughter missed her high school graduation but had already earned her diploma. She was accepted at college for fall 2006. Instead, after more than a year of recovery she started junior college fall of 2007, with lots of help from Disabled Student Services and private tutors. She hates to read because her vision is off. Basically, I tried everything to get her back. All the vision programs, endless physical therapy, anything I found on the internet that might help. I prayed, along with friends and family for her recovery. She does not care to be involved with anyone who is brain injured or any program of that type. In summer 2008 she drove off in her truck (unlicensed, she had the vehicle before her injury) while my husband and I were 2 hours away dealing with his father's death. My daughter hit a tree, totaling her vehicle. She was arrested for drunk driving. Since then it has been one situation after another, compounding her injury with drinking. I have isolated myself, lost interest in life. I used to be outgoing and socially active. I herniated a disc in my neck in 2010. Had it surgically repaired (ACDF) in February 2011. I am in constant physical pain and have sleep problems. My other children have had all kinds of personal issues since my daughter's injury. Now I tell them they need to live their lives. My parents are elderly. Dad has Alzheimer's and mom is his main caregiver. My siblings do not live close and those that do are not helping. They all have their own lives and I am left to to handle many of the day to day issues that come up for my parents. About 3 weeks ago my daughter got drunk and scared her small dog after falling with her. The poor dog ran away and was hit by a car. My husband and I took my daughter to Rehab the following day. The people at the rehab recommend Alanon and grief counseling. How do I let go of my daughter? She has caused so many problems in our family and won't quit. She says she drinks because she's lonely but I say she's lonely because she drinks. She was away at school and was asked to leave the sorority. Then she was sent home from college because of drinking episodes. She's disrespectful towards me and her sisters. She cusses at me, embarrassing both of us publicly. There's no boundary. I cannot have her living in my home as she falls right into an extremely lazy lifestyle, including on-line dating (which no amount of talking about its dangers makes a difference. She's even discussed moving to a unknown town just to date a guy). She says she wants to be married and have a family but I'm not sure she could even take care of a child. I would appreciate any ideas as I've about exhausted all avenues. We have to make decisions concerning her soon, as she will be released from the program. I will never give up on her. I need to be healthy.
  22. I lost both of my parents and a sister. We had been a family of six, and a wonderful family. Seems like everybody's dying, and young, though one parent was as old as 67. It was my mom at 52, then a sister at 30, then my dad recently at 67. It's me and two sisters remaining. It's sad. My twin sister is handicapped and living in a group home. Another sister has had her own place for many years. I was living with my parents and my sister who died. It started in late 2004 with my mom. It happened very suddenly. She seemed fine up until that moment, except I heard later that she had a headache. She collapsed and died. Paramedics worked on her for a while, then took her to the hospital. We went to the hospital on our own and then were told that she had passed. We could not understand the sudden death, and I hate that she was taken from us like that, although the bright side is that without her being sick, we did not worry about her dying, before it happened, and she did not suffer. The coroner's report came back after about two months or so, said "fluoxetine toxicity", regarding a medication she was on, and she had congestive heart failure from a medication. We attended bereavement counseling because of her death. The months after her death were hard. For some time the family was missing just my mom. My household had my dad and my sister who would die. Then my sister died only a little over one year after my mom did. I have a twin and two older sisters; this is the middle sister. She had major depression and a long history of overdoses, and I worried about her suicide attempts, that she was always trying to harm herself. She took my mom's death very badly and ended up doing an overdose that was successful. She had refused to attend bereavement counseling about our mom with the rest of us, and she was the most in need of it. I guess it would have been hard for her. This sister and I were like friends sometimes. Their deaths were around major holidays, like designed by forces to ruin our holidays. Mom's was a little after Thanksgiving, my sister's was a few days before Christmas. For years I would have dreams with my mom and/or sister (I dreamed about being at the original family residence, also). Sometimes a dream would be about one of them, especially my mom, having returned after death. I wish that could happen. My family was given seven years plus a few months, before the next death, my dad. It was me and my dad living together, and we became close, and we were friends. He was very nice to me. He was patient with me. He was very easygoing. He took care of me in ways. He drove me places. I liked going to the grocery store with him, and he would often take us to eat at a restaurant before that. We went to church together. He owned a small business, doing bookkeeping and business consulting for several other small businesses. I worked for him, doing typing, and my dad kept planning for me and another sister to have major jobs in the business. He was also a tax preparer and made a lot during tax season. He had been struggling financially, and tax season was getting started when he died, and he had been planning to have several particular big clients for his business, also, and I think that was when I would do much more and get paid accordingly. I had my dad until several weeks ago. He became sick on Sunday or Monday, January 20 or 21. He said early that morning (around the very early time he normally got up) he had felt like he was dying and had thought about going to the hospital. For two weeks he had symptoms of the flu. He would get better and then be bad again. He spoke of feeling bad/awful and being weak. He said his chest and stomach hurt. He sneezed, coughed, and had a sore/hoarse throat, and had chills, all of which made it seem like really the flu. He slept all the time and didn't have an appetite. I worried about his feeling of dying, chest pain, weakness, and sleeping all the time. I hoped this wasn't something fatal. He carried on for two weeks. People tried to get him to go to the doctor. My sister (a living one) was going to force him to go to the doctor the next day, her taking him. Sadly he died the day before he would go. He would've gotten proper care. I actually witnessed his death. He seemed to be sleeping as he did a lot, and I was nearby, luckily. He sounded like he was doing a little minor coughing, then he started doing like snorting through the throat or mouth, and that alerted me. When he died, he did several of those, about 10 seconds apart, each one making his body jump. He appeared not to breathe, otherwise and after the snorts stopped. I tried to rouse him and couldn't. His eyes were open and not moving. He was unresponsive. I called 911. He was worked on for some time and then was pronounced dead. At one point as the paramedics worked on him they said "he's in", and I thought he was surviving. We had him cremated because there was no money for burial. I didn't want to deal with his body in a casket anyway. We had a memorial service rather than a funeral with a body. There were several photos and a continuous slideshow of family pictures with him in them. I liked that. Until my dad became sick, he had tended to stay healthy, even as he had high blood pressure and a lot of stress. He seemed like he would live long, much longer than 67 years. I was wrong. I'm grateful he was a little into old age. For years I had wanted him to get really old before he died, and would wait for each birthday. He turned 65 and dealt with getting Medicare. He had over two years after that. Many people had thought he was younger than he really was. He looked young to other people. Probably his good health. But to me he looked about his real age. I have felt that if someone's parent(s) would be like 80+ when dying, that's good, because the parent(s) had a properly long life. I have wished those who died had had more years. My mom would be 60. I would wish to be back at the times when they were alive, but sadly that's impossible. I had my dad until very recently as of this writing. The period I had him is so close but impossible to reach. It's that way shortly after every death. It would feel like I never had my mom or my sister, since it has been so long since I lost them. I feel a little like that about my dad already, since he has been dead. For days after the recent death of my dad, I did the normal crying, I would get emotional at times. I thought of my dad as my best friend and the person holding up the family as a parent. I may have been closer to him than to anyone else, ever. I have adjusted surprising well/quickly. I'm now living with my sister, the one who was living alone, and I have been busy with gradually moving my things and clearing out the old house. My sister will help me with my affairs and support me the best she can until I get income. Very grateful for her.
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