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About a month and a half ago, one of my exes committed suicide. We're both 31 years old, and I have known her since we were 19. And, I have been in love with her ever since. We dated very briefly when we were 24, and remained friends until about three years ago when we had a silent falling out. Some of my roommates personal possessions came up missing, and she immediately blamed Jen. I knew that it wasn't her, but neither of us had any proof in either direction. The next day, upset because I didn't believe her or stand up for her, she blocked me from being able to talk to her at all. I've seen her twice in the past three years. I didn't expect it to hit me anywhere as hard as it did. Over the years, I had convinced myself that I no longer cared about her if she could cut me out of her life so easily. There isn't a day that went by in that three years that I didn't think about her. We had a mutual friend that I could have reached out to her through, but I was afraid of what her reaction would be, so I never tried. The hard unsettling fact that there are no re-do's in real life has begun to sink in. Some weeks, every day gets easier. Some weeks, every day gets harder. Everyone knew that I would take it hard when I found out, but not many people understood our friendship.... I don't even think we did, to be quite honest. Her twin sister, did though. How ironic that through this entire ordeal, she's kind of been my rock. Most days I get consumed with guilt trying to figure out if I actually have a right to feel the way I feel concerning her death. I'm not delusional enough to think that I could have saved her from herself, but if I had tried a little harder.... If I would have thought a little harder to find a way to get back in touch and not let her push me away like she did, I wouldn't have missed out on the last three years of her life. So much of me feels like I don't have a right the feel the way that I do. That I shouldn't grieve as much as I am, she wasn't mine to grieve. I had given up on our friendship just as much as she had. Is there anybody else who has experienced anything like this? I can't seem to find a precedent anywhere. I just want to know how other people have dealt with feelings like this.