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  1. I don't know where to even begin with my story of Mocha. My beloved companion of 22.5 years. A kitty I have had since the day she was born in June of 1995. And though she has dealt with a randomly occurring "episode" throughout the years starting at the age of 5, she has had a wonderful life. Best I could provide. Her episodes starting with a diagnosis of idiopathic vesitibular disorder...a fancy name for they have no idea whats wrong and came after a 3 day stay in ICU. But she fully recovered and continued on with a happy life. These episodes repeated about once a year at most for most of her life but started to increase in frequency in her more elderly years. Symptoms mainly consisted of sometimes temporary blindness, or stumbling around. But typically only lasted a few hours to about a day. That's how life went for us until about 8 years ago'ish when she had an event and a vet diagnosed her with diabetes. So we started daily insulin and went on our way, happy as usual. She was on insulin for about 3 years and I decided to find a new vet for her that i felt would provide better care. And I did. Soon after a meet n greet she had an episode. Her new doctor thought she was on her way out and I should "do the right thing". I knew she was new to him and insisted that she would recover as she always had so I had them run some blood work instead. It was decided that she no longer had diabetes but she did have moderate kidney disease. Again the new vet thought we should "do the right thing" since kidney disease in not curable. I refused and so he started her on Winstrol V injections every 6 weeks to keep good blood flow to the kidneys. And that has been her treatment every since. Along the way, a couple years later, she had a series of grand Mal seizures so we had to put her on Phenobarbital 2x per day. No more seizures since. Her quality of life has been pretty good all this time. Yes she had the typical slow down with aging but she seemed still happy and healthy. Eating, drinking, going outside whenever she wanted to go on her little walks, responsive to love, using litter box when it got too cold out, ect, ect. And this was the case up until Monday night. So what have I done! Her last week: I had noticed that she has doubled her intake of water consumption. Which isn't the best sign. Plus she had been having some kind of mouth problem everyday starting October 1. And sometimes it seems that was interfering with eating, but she was eating. Also she had started losing weight..slowly but consistently. She has always been an 8 pound kitty. But a couple months ago I noticed it felt like she had lost some weight so I took her in to check. The weight loss was confirmed, she had lost a pound, so I increased her daily does of calorie supplement and her vet didn't feel there would be anything else we could do for weight loss otherwise. I also started getting up throughout the night to make sure she had a steady intake of food around the clock. She had started acting like she was hungry a lot more even though she was being fed so many times a day. Unfortunately despite those efforts her weight loss was still continuing. Her last day she was down to 6.8 pounds. Despite this paragraph of info she was still having a good life and mostly happy. And then Monday night happened. Our day was going pretty normal other than I noticed she wasn't eating as much. But she was eating some each time I took new food to her. She was drinking and went outside a couple of times to pee. Mostly a fairly normal day. But some signs she wasn't feeling 100%. She had her dinner around 5pm, went outside, came back in, went back to the safety of her kitty bed. Around 7ish she got up, this is usually when I give her the nightly dose of seizure med but when i got out of my chair to pick her up I noticed she was not well at all. She was stumbling and vomited the food she had ate a couple hours earlier. She then rotated between laying in that awful looking meatloaf position, trying to walk - stumbling - then vomiting. The last time she vomited - 3rd time - she didn't even try to walk away. She almost laid down in it but i picked her up and moved her. I knew that she was very sick so I put in an emergency call to the clinic. A different vet was on call that night and when we spoke he didn't feel he could do anything for her so advised us to take her to the emergency clinic a town over if her symptoms worsened. The fact he was at a basketball game didn't have anything to do with his inability to help her i am sure. Though i realize even though he is a doctor he is still human. So I decided to try and wait out the night unless things got bad. Though to be honest I did not feel confident she was going to make it. So she was hiding under the inn table, more rapid breathing, in discomfort. Randomly she would make a growl like sound. I have no idea if it was due to pain or if it was a defensive reaction due to her sickly state. But it was a new symptom. Also she had drool - like stuff hanging from her mouth. Another new thing that never occurred before. Even though this was happening to her, she would get up, stumble to the litter box to pee, then stumble back to her hiding place. Even though i was laying on the floor by her, she was still making that random sound - about 4 times - until i placed my hand under her little head. Which she responded to by laying her head down in my palm. This is when the sounds stopped and her breathing became more relaxed over the next little bit of time. I covered her with a towel to help keep her warm and she started to try and rest. Though I honestly expected her to stop breathing at any moment. This is how things were until around midnight. She got up, still sick but no longer stumbling and went to drink some water. She wouldn't walk very far without laying back down in that meatloaf position though so i know she was experiencing a lot of discomfort. I assume anyway. Around 3am she showed signs of wanting to be fed. I got her some food and she only ate a few small bites. Shortly tried a different food and again she ate a few bites. Still only moving short distances at a time before resuming the meatloaf looking position. Finally she got up and went over and got in her bed. This was around 4am and I got in my recliner to try and sleep for a bit. At 5ish i woke and she was up laying in the floor still meat-loafed and looking pretty sick still. She still acted like she wanted food but at this point i knew i was going to take her in for blood work to see how bad it was and since they sedate her for that i knew she couldn't eat anything. So at 8:30am on Tuesday I took her to see the vet. Not her vet, he was not in, it was the guy who took the emergency call. So we decided to do sedation and blood work and i told him i needed to see the results because i couldn't put my dear kitty down if she might be ok. So he had me hold her in my arms when he gave the sedative and told me to talk to her till she went off to sleep. At this point I really must have checked out because i did not treat this moment as potentially her last conscious moment with me. Though I did hold her and love her until she went off to sleep. So they took her and had me wait in the lobby until they got the blood collected. A bit later I was brought back to a room where she was wrapped up in her blanket still out on the sedative sleeping peacefully. I guess unconscious. Finally the vet came in with her results and said her kidneys were gone. Her WBC were high, her platelets were low, bun was high, creatinine was almost high, her diabetes was almost high, and some new kidney test called sdma was just almost off the chart high. He said she may have a day. So at this point I am numb and panicked because I didn't want her to suffer. And they had said that if the results came back bad that I shouldn't even let her wake from the sedative. And in a very hasty decision I said ok. This vet euthanizes using the heart-stick method and didn't want me to witness the final shot. Her normal vet does not use that method and I wish I could have found one working brain cell because I would have made a different decision. But i just said ok. Kissed her one final time and he took her away. And that's how it ended for my beloved companion of 22.5 years! I cannot even express the level of regret that I have for that decision. Every single step of it. And it was a decision that i can not take back, ever. I didn't even try to see if antibiotics or anything would work. I didn't even try to help her recover this time. I don't know what I was thinking to do such an awful thing. I didn't even call my husband to give him a chance to say goodbye. It all just happened so fast I couldn't process it enough to make a logical assessment of the situation. I am so heartbroken about what I have done and I know I have to live with it forever. But after her giving me 22.5 amazing years of friendship I really felt I should have done much much better with her final day. And in all honesty, now that I have reviewed her lab results, it's just as possible that she had a severe infection as she has had that happen previously. I know this post is really really long and it's doubtful that anyone would bother reading it. I just can't stop thinking about what I have done.