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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Found 7 results

  1. Hi I was dx w/ALS in 2012. Then in 2014, after my first heart attack I was dx with CHF. About 6 months or so ago I was dx w/afib. From what I have read when a pt who has CHF & an ef < 35 (mine is about 15) the pt surviving more than a year is grim. But I have been told a few times now that I didn't have much longer & I'm still here. They are just going off of statistics & everyone is different so they really don't know, they are just guessing; But now is different. I'm tired & much weakerr & on most days I think that I would welcome death sooner than later. But I'm not sure if that's how I feel or just depression. Actually I'm not sure it matters. Does any1 else ever feel like this.
  2. my nan has been ill for a long time now, she had surgery to remove cancer and it worked but she's been in so much pain since that its caught up to her. She's been steadily losing weight, currently just over 6 stone fully clothed, and she's so frail its terrifying. I've always been so close to her and now I don't know what to do, I don't live close to her so I cant see her as often as I would like but at the moment she is having a lot of accidents like falling out of bed and getting hurt. She has made it clear she would never want to go to a hospice or a nursing home and we know she would die hating us if we forced her so we're in a very hard situation. I've not seen her for a few weeks due to work commitments and I feel horrible and like I'm a terrible person because if I'm honest..I'm scared. I know she had a fall recently and other family members had to phone an ambulance and my aunt was afraid to touch her as she is so skinny she doesn't want to hurt her. I'm scared to see my nan like that, she's asked other family to either downplay her situation or to just outright not tell me anything as she doesn't want to upset me being her granddaughter but I hate secrets so they have to tell me and it scares me more. Am I a horrible person? How do I face her and try and put on an act that everything is ok when I know its not?
  3. My girlfriend is terminally ill

    I've never done this before... my therapist suggested that I reached out to people that understand what I'm going through. The love of my life has already lived past her life expectancy. She is in unfathomable amounts of pain everyday. She is depressed and dying and I am 1,000 miles away in a treatment center for my eating disorder and self harm addiction. Every time I look at my phone I'm checking to see if she's still alive. I'm so terrified and I think of that day all the time. The day she's going to leave this mortal world forever. I can't stand to think about it but it consumes me.
  4. Hello everyone. Almost 2 years my mother died, and i have just finished a small blog about her death and my journey with it. I now wish to share it, in the hope that my words will accompany, and perhaps support others who are living the same journey. Thank you for your presence and for reading, Arusha My Blog: http://arushatantrablog.strikingly.com
  5. I will never be the same . . . as I was before. In some ways, I see life as a puzzle, every experience you have forms a piece of your unique puzzle. When combined, they form the entire picture of your life. My Dad took a piece of my puzzle with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without it, without him. When someone you love dies, that part of you dies as well. I will never be the same again. My view of the world also changed. Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death, now I can’t get death out of my head. I lost my parent, my only dad, I think a lot about death and dying. I still have plenty of questions, but nobody to answer them. And they certainly weren't fun questions. I learned the importance of telling people that you love them. Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel. Of all the things I regret, missing the chance to say “I love you” and “THANK YOU”. Because I never told him as I thought men don't share feeling and never say things like that. One of the hardest things about losing my dad is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing things differently things just seem black and White and there is no colour in anything, I have three lovely kids and a wife a big lovely home but everything seems empty and pointless every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were. I have realized that there is no promise of tomorrow. You are given such a small time, and you never know when your time will run out. The feeling of emptiness in my guts is getting bigger and bigger. My wife keeps on telling me to snap out of it you need to get over this, I really wish it was that bloody easy. I don't know what to do. I feel like the past months have been a mess of every emotion possible. I’m a great big ball of pain, and it seems as though grief is the one thing no one will talk about with me. For me my dad was the parent who showed up for me, who supported me, never looked down on me, always had hope for me, he was that one person I trusted, he made me feel like I can do anything. He was my like my back bone I could never fall because he was there. I never really got along with my mother I don't know why to be honest so my mother never really talked about my feeling only concerned about herself and what she is going through and most importantly my younger brother and how is he dealing with the grief, my mother always rings and cries to me saying she worried about my brother he was really close to your dad. Looking at it now it seems like he could not do anything wrong and I can’t do anything right. Rather than my mother worrying about me she consistently blames me for my dad's death as my mother says to me I cause to much stress for him because I moved overseas and also I drink alcohol (we come from a non-drinking family) and you always needed money and even said “I only loved my dad for his money”. What she doesn’t know is how much stress she caused him and when we were cleaning his stuff out of my mums house I found a 10 page letter hand written by dad explaining what my mother did to him and how she upset him and ill-treated his parents and always talk down to him and it even said in the letter how my mother wasted so much money on gambling and also explaining details of a possible affair she might have had. I advise my brother I found this and he told me to rip it up and throw it away and no one can ever see this. So I kept it and have decided not share this with anyone including my mother because I don’t want her to be upset. My mother even told me lies about what my dad said about me. My mother for about 2 weeks called me an alcoholic and a drug addict and told me she shamed to be related to me, I got so pissed off I took a drug test and sent her the results and she wasn’t even sorry. I think the worst thing was when she told me about the time she got hurt when she was pregnant with me and the comment she made was "You should have died" said she regrets having me as a son. Reading this you would think that this women is not educated or drug addict even possibly mental insane, but guess what she is a doctor and holds a PhD. So on top of losing a parent that loved me I get the parent that hates me and makes me feel like a failure and always thinks I can’t financially support myself and my family because Dad use to help a lot with money because he told me he knows how hard it is having mortgage and 3 kids and if he can help take some of the stress away by giving me money to pay bills why wouldn’t he. The biggest thing also knew he was always there through bad times and good times. Now I have no one, and have to live in shame from my own family. Am I meant to toughen up and get over it, how I get over this feeling. The grief is consuming me for last few weeks and I hide everything inside me. Yes, I AM SAD. I lost my only loving Father & I have these great memories that I can't even share out loud! My life has spiralled downward since my Dad passed away due to my own doing, I felt like being close to my mother and brother so I flew back home about 5 or 6 times over a 5 month period and in result of doing that I left my business with 2 staff members who screwed it up and I had to close the business down. Couple of weeks before my dad died we found out that my wife had cancer. I cannot see the light anymore, I feel sad all the time, I can’t sleep, I don’t eat and have lost 11 kegs. I am getting withdrawn from my kids. I have been unemployed for 3 days now still here and think what the F*** to do now. I am running out of money, I have to pay the mortgage and I cant get my head out of this ****.
  6. We have known for about 9 months now that he was very, very sick. But the doctors gave us a lot of hope in that he was a great candidate for a life-saving transplant. Now, with a quick downturn in his health, they are giving him just a few more weeks at most to live. This has been a very long, and horribly sad year for everyone in my family. Watching a loved one suffer is un-describable, and with it happening over the holidays, it makes everything feel even more wrong. We were lucky enough for my dad to be in a good place for two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. With some extra effort, we brought him home for those days from the hospital. He had to have a full time nurse with him, which made it a little uncomfortable and different from what we are used to. On Christmas day, we let the nurse go home for four hours, so she could be with her family, and we could have some quiet to ourselves to open a few presents (we didn't do much this year- nothing under the tree, just a few things in each stocking), and to have our traditional christmas dinner that we do every year. For those few hours, things felt normal. From then until now, things have gotten a lot harder. He has made the decision where he wants to be buried. A few days ago, he told my mom he didn't want to fight anymore. Today, we chose the hospice home in which he will die. He isn't very responsive anymore, and looks very bad. He used to be a big man with the thickest mustache you had ever seen (just like one on a walrus). He is now half my size, and covered in massive bruises- because he is so sick that with any bandage or needle, his skin bruises or tears open. His mustache is so thinned out, and they trimmed it way back in case of him needing tubes. Never once in my life, even before I was born, has he not had a thick mustache. I can't even recognize him anymore. In two weeks, I am supposed to transfer colleges. I have never been there before, and will be going in totally blind. I made the choice to transfer a few months ago, so I could be closer to home. But I don't know anyone there, and it will be at the same time as the most difficult time I have ever faced. My parents both said that no matter what, I needed to go and continue my life. I already took last semester off of school to do an internship and be more accessible to my family. On one hand, I am excited to start somewhere fresh as a college junior. I will do a sorority rush which starts the day after I get there, so I have something aside from classes to keep me from sitting in bed all day. But at the same time, I feel guilty for being excited about this new chapter in my life. I know my dad wants me to keep living and be happy, but it is so hard. I feel so much fear, sadness, guilt, anger, and hate all the time, and it is getting so hard to cope. It has been so bad, that I haven't been brave enough to see my dad in a few days. He isn't concious anymore, and I know I should be there and sit with him,. but I just can't. I drive up to the hospital with my mom, and end up sitting alone in the cafeteria staring numbly at a cup of tea. I feel so guilty, and I don't want him to think that I don't love him or want to see him, because I do. I love him so much, and I'm terrified and I don't know what to do anymore.
  7. It's been a week since the phone rang with the worst news ever: my father had passed away. He lost the terrible battle with cancer in less than a year. Unfortunately, it all happened very quickly. We found out last year in August that he has lung cancer and it's in the last stage. There wasn't much to be done, but the sad part is that being in a country which doesn't value life, he did not receive any treatment to at least make his life comfortable. He was admitted to a local hospital less than two weeks prior to his death. As he got worse, I tried to somehow come to terms that the inevitable would soon happen. When my mother called me on Father's Day and told me he was no longer with us, I simply crashed. I screamed in rage: "Why? Why him? Not him!" and thought that if I would have the opportunity, I would gladly take his place. I could not even attent to the funeral, as I moved to another country. I am devastated, beyond depressed, and I can't help but feel empty and mad at the entire world. It was not fair. He was everything to me, my hero, my best friend, my dad, everything. I would always go to him for advice, but now? All I'm left to do is mourn. And apparently, not even that. We live in a society that does not mourn and wants to cover everything up with the words: "You will get over it! What do you solve by crying? We all die sooner or later!" I can no longer stand people and their superficiality. I do not know what to do anymore. It has only been a week and no one has the respect to at least just let me be. My mother has not only moved on just fine, but is now blaming be for my father's death. How could I have been responsible? Apparently, by being a lesbian. I wish I could run and hide somewhere, but I can't... I'm broken and there is nothing to heal me... Life will never be the same without my father.
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