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Found 10 results

  1. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    Hi everyone, I lost my boyfriend, Jake to a heroin overdose (was later found out it was 100% pure Fenanyl he was sold) May 9th, 2017. I truly feel that Jake was my soulmate and I still find it extremely difficult to believe/accept that he is no longer here on Earth. Some days are better than others. I have been having a rough couple of days and have felt very alone, so I figured I would sign up on here to talk to people who are similarly struggling. I have a difficult time wrapping my head around the reality that he's gone. When I think of him, sometimes it still doesn't feel real. I don't know when it will begin to feel truly real. I have a difficult time sleeping, and have only noticed this recently. I hate sleeping. I don't know what to do. I feel most alone at night time, when he and I would stay up all night talking, and when the rest of the world is fast asleep and I am alone with my thoughts. I found Jake dead in his apartment, and this is something that has been extremely difficult for me to deal with. My anxiety is at an all time high. I have worked so hard to get off of psychiatric medication prior to his death, and I do not want to revert back to it...but some days I just feel so physically sick and hopeless...what can I do? I have tried guided meditations and they only work sometimes. I see a grief counselor weekly which helps, but I just feel so stuck in this pain. I hate it. I guess I just want to feel support. I'm 22 years old and I have experienced something not many people my age ever have to experience, so it's isolating. I have recently put together a blog(here) of my journal entries to him, in order to not only help myself, but to also help others. As soon as Jake died, I was googling things like "my boyfriend died, what do I do?" and I didn't find much of anything and felt completely hopeless and lost. I knew I wanted to share my journal entries in hopes of helping people and connecting with people who are coping with the same thing as me. I'm at a loss for words. I guess I just wanted to put my first post out there and begin to integrate into the community. xx
  2. Hi - I'm very new to these forums, so I apologize if I'm not posting in the correct spot, or my post is too long... I'm just desperate to share my story with people who may understand, because right now, I don't understand it at all. My boyfriend of two years, Adam, died on March 21st, 2017 of a heroin overdose. I lived with him, took care of his young son like he was my own, and was trying to build a life with him. When I first met him in 2015, he had been out of rehab a few months and was clean and healthy. But, as time went on, the lies and issues started to pile up. I promised him I would support him and help keep him on track....even though I had zero experience with drugs or addiction. I noticed about 6 months into our relationship that he was acting strange. He would fall asleep in the middle of conversations, we would fight over ridiculous things, and he just seemed very irritable all the time. I would go through his work backpack, car, drawers, etc and began to find oxy's and percs. I would confront him but he always had an excuse. By Christmas 2015, his behaviour seemed to be getting worse and he admitted that he had slipped up. We had a meeting with his parents. His mother told me that I was one of the best things to happen to Adam, and that she appreciated how much I cared and looked out for him. I knew that being with him wouldn't always be easy, but I truly loved him and his intentions were good... he loved me and took care of me...and when he was clean (he wasn't always high), we were amazing together. Fast forward to the fall of 2016, and I was helping him pick out a new house and moving in with him. Things were looking up - our commutes to work were going to be shorter, we'd be closer to his son, we even ended up spending more time with his ex wife and her boyfriend who we both got along with well. But, something happened over the winter, and things only got worse. We began fighting a lot more. He seemed to be hiding more from me, was very protective over his phone, and about two weeks before he died, I found a spoon that had been heated in one of the drawers of his toolbox. I asked him about it, and I'll never forget what he said... "that must be old... if I were using again, you would never have found that spoon". Because of our fights, his family began alienating me, and I was no longer invited to his family's get togethers, even though I was still watching his son - we had him every single weekend as well as during the week. I'd ask Adam to come to the park with his son and I, but he never wanted to do anything the last month or so of his life. He would spend all of his time at home on the couch in front of the TV, and get angry at me for guilt tripping him and making him look like a bad dad in front of his son. His parents also began to resent me - they attributed his lack of energy and sleeping all of the time to being overworked and me not "leaving him alone". I'm sure many people in my shoes would have left the relationship, but I couldn't give up on him. I truly felt like I was brought into his life for a reason and I wanted to help him. I was woken up in the middle of the night on March 21st by a phone call from his ex wife of all people, telling me that Adam was dead. He passed away in a bathroom stall while at work. I'll never forget that night.... the worst night of my life. The following days were pure hell as well. I was asked by his mother to take part in making the funeral arrangements, but I believe she was only asking to make herself look like a good person. I wasn't asked my opinion on anything. I remember sitting in the funeral home with his parents, brother and ex wife, thinking...."this is not what Adam would have wanted." But who was I to say... I was only his girlfriend of two years, a failure who couldn't keep him away from drugs and alive like everyone was hoping. Two days after he died, his mother called me to tell me that my family was not welcome in my home (the home I had chosen and built with Adam.... ), if I needed company I could go over to her house to be with she and Adam's dad and ex wife, and that her sister would be moving into mine and Adam's house the following day to "take care of it". She also told me I was not to take anything from the house without her there. Because I was in shock, I agreed and said ok. My mom got on the phone with her immediately and said that no one would be at the house except for our family, and to please respect our privacy during this time. She was very nice, but straight forward. Twenty minutes later, Adam's parents showed up at my house, yelling and screaming at my mom and aunt, telling them to get out of their son's house. Adam's dad (who I had never had an issue with the entire time I knew him) went on to say that Adam didn't love me. While all of this was happening, I was upstairs shaking and crying, in total disbelief. My aunt actually had to call the cops to make them leave. The cops told them that it was my permanent residence and that they were trespassing. Needless to say, the visitation and funeral were absolutely horrible. I wasn't welcome to stand at the front - but his ex wife was. His parents didn't say a word to me, except when I was up at the front talking to Adam's cousins - his mother came over to me and gave me a big, dramatic, fake hug in front of everyone. I got through those couple of days, and then immediately started packing up my belongings at the house. Thank God for my family and friends who were there to help me. I was moved out of the house within a week of the funeral. Because Adam's mother was the executor of his will, she was somehow able to shut off the cable and internet while my mom and I were still living at the house. She probably would have shut off the hydro as well, if she could have. When I think back to that time, I feel the craziest mix of emotions....sadness, disgust, despair, anger. I just can't make sense of any of it. Five months later, and I'm living in a completely different town about 2 hours from where Adam and I were living. I haven't seen his family, or any of our mutual friends, since the funeral. Some of them have reached out to me here and there, just to say that they're here for me... but it doesn't really feel like they are. One of his life long friends who I was on fairly good terms with, messaged me one night when she was drunk to tell me that everything was my fault, and if Adam hadn't met me he would never have died. His "friend" from work contacted me to tell me that Adam had been having serious issues for a while and that he almost overdosed/was unconscious at work about a month before he died. An ambulance wasn't even called. No one told me anything....until it was too late to help him!!!!??? I'm so, so angry and everyone, Adam, myself. His ex wife has called me a couple of times to see how I'm doing but she hasn't once asked me if I'd like to come visit Adam's son. I think this is the hardest part for me... I miss that kid so much. We were extremely attached to each other.... I'd pick him up from school some days.... he'd call me "mommy" by accident....Adam and I always made sure he had the best of everything at our house. Why am I not cut off from seeing him? Adam's mini-me....my only connection to him...aside from the dog we got together, who I still have and I honestly don't know what I would do without. I also lost my job in June - the company I had worked for for 7 whole years, let me go 3 months after my partner died. The manager who was part of the decision making even attended Adam's funeral and knew a lot about what had happened. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this..... why so many people think I'm disposable.... why so many people who I've been good to, just don't seem to care about me at all? I feel so alone, and damaged. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over any of this. I haven't even had a chance to properly grieve the loss of Adam because so many other hurtful and heartbreaking things have happened on top of him dying. I'm still unemployed, looking for work here but it's hard, especially when I feel riddled with anxiety and feel like a total failure in all other parts of my life... same when it comes to dating... I've been putting myself out there, trying to meet people and take my mind off of everything. The couple of people who I've told my story to have just disappeared. I don't get it.... I'm not suicidal, but I really can't live this way. I'm trying things to make me feel better.....long walks with my dog on the beach, meditation, reading, going to church... it's helping, but some days are still just unbearable. I feel like a burden to my family. Every choice I've made in life has come back to bite me. I try so hard to be a good, genuine person... but this is what I get? I pray to god everyday to help me see the lesson in all of this...
  3. Lost my Sister

    I lost part of me lossing her. I don't know how to deal with the pain and guilt. My Sister was only 48yrs old she struggled off and on for many years. A few years back I thought she had finally made it to her happy place. She was with an awesome man they got married. I had never seen her so happy. We had gotten closers than ever. I wish time could have stood still. For the last two yrs everything changed. She back on drugs her marriage had ended. When she asked to come live with me I turned her away because of the drugs. Then she disappeared no one knew where she was ir if she was safe. I prayed everyday for God to keep her safe and for her to get help. I would lay awake at night praying to hear from her so I would know she was OK. Then I got the worst call of my life. It was an emergency room from the hospital telling me they thought they had my sister could I come identify her. She was gone I don't know how to deal with the pain and guilt. A part of my heart died with her. The pain is unbearable. How to I go on. I've never been through anything like this. So i have found this site maybe hearing from people who have been though this will help. I love you my beautiful Sister.
  4. I lost my older brother

    I lost my 31 year old brother due to a heart attack/drug overdose over the weekend. He struggled with drug addiction since he was 15 and led a very difficult and arduous life. He was constantly riding a roller coaster of ups and downs, but he somehow always managed to hang in there over the many years. He had just come back from an eight month rehab in Arizona a few weeks ago. We were all so happy for him and had just celebrated his birthday on March 9th. Everything finally seemed to be falling into place for him. He was going to NA meetings and was soon going to get back into his union job. On the 12th my mother and I received the reality shattering phone call from my brother'e ex wife. The moment my mom broke the news to my dad over the phone continues to play over and over in my mind: Shakily, my mother asked if my dad knew why she was calling. He responded with a worried 'no...'. My mom then cried out in horror "They found Brian in Queens!!!". I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the sound of my dad's howl of agony and despair as it blasted through the receiver. My brother was found dead in a hotel room in Queens. My family and I are completely devastated. We had always feared this day would eventually come, but none of us ever expected it would happen at a time like this. I've cried more these past few days than I have over the past ten years. Every time I start to think I don't have any more tears to shed I have another break down. It's just so raw and surreal. He was such a strong, healthy, promising young man, and now he's gone. Everything feels different and hopeless now, like a founding pillar of my life has just crumbled away. I find myself appreciating all the things about him that I hadn't given thought to before. It makes me feel immense heartbreaking guilt. I just want to hear his voice again.
  5. Why did he have to go

    I'll never forget the call I received on June 24th 2016, about my half brother's unexpected death. His mother called me with the dreaded news and it ran me over like a train, making my knees weak. The police had found him in his van, stiff. The cause of death was a heroin overdose. He was only 26. His mother thinks the OD was intentional, but I'll never know the answer. The depths of turmoil are unmeasurable, and vast. I feel as though I'm free falling and that there is no end in my emotional grief. So much confusion, chaos and uncesing despair. I had heard he was doing well, he had supposably cleaned up and was doing well. Everyone thought that. But for some reason I can't explain why, but I was pretty concerned for months. My sister and my mom thought I was being crazy by how often I brought up how worried I was about him. The last time I had talked on the phone with him was in April, a month before his passing. I had not spoken to him on the phone or have seen him in years. (We had stayed in subtle contact by commenting occasionally on each other's social media posts.) He called saying he wanted to come down and visit, saying he'd meet up with me around noon the next day. I was extremely thrilled. When the next day arrived, I had not heard from him. I called a couple times, texted, even Facebook messaged him, he never replied. He flaked on me with no explanation. So I was hurt and irritated. I didn't make any efforts to contact him again and he didn't make any either. And just like that he's gone. I have many many regrets. I am eaten alive with so much guilt and remorse, I wish I had reached out more to him, and had a bigger connection to him. His disease isolated him from his loved ones. It has plagued him for years, and he fought it daily. The idea of him dying alone thinking no one cared about him sends me into a weeping spiral. I can't sleep without sobbing, I'm overwhelmed with daily tasks, one moment I'm fine but all of a sudden my emotions rapidly change and I don't know where they're going to land: either I'm weeping or going into a colossal rage. I feel like I'm going insane, and all I want is my big brother to be here. My birthday was 2 days ago, first birthday with him absent. So strange and painful it was. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so emotional drained by life in general
  6. drugs

    I have lost both my brothers.my older brother was a drug addict and died in 1997.he comitted suicide.he was a very angry abusive person, I don't know why.4 months ago my little brother was found dead in his flat, he was also an adict but was trying so hard to come away from the drugs.i am gutted by the death if my little brother.we were always so close and I'm heartbroken without him.i wish I knew he was at peace but I just feel like he's lost.he was always there for me no matter what.i can't believe he's gone to join all the others, my dad, uncle, ex boyfriend, our baby son, big brother....and now my special little bro.i don't know where he is.
  7. On October 29th I received the worst news of my life. My partner was found unresponsive. I was pregnant with my first child, a baby girl that he was so excited about. I attended the funeral on November 6th and our daughter was born on November the 10th. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I'm trying to find joy in my baby while grieving at the same time. I don't know if I'm coming or going. To top it off he was found in the home of an ex girlfriend and they are saying the cause of death is a possible overdose!? How am I supposed to digest this when I didn't even know there was a substance abuse issue in the first place. Granted we are awaiting autopsy reports but as you can imagine the circumstances make the death that much worse.... Each day I learn a new secret. Praying for some sort of peace because at this time I don't see any light at the end of this dark tunnel.
  8. I lost my older brother, Riley Kaczanowski, less than a month ago to a heroin overdose. He was my best friend and we had gotten even closer in recent months. I only found out he was doing heroin when he was caught with possession in October 2013. He quit when he was arrested and he was doing so well, getting his life back on track and spending more time than ever with his family. I saw him once about a week before he died and he admitted he was high. He was not my sweet, funny, caring brother when he was high and it broke my heart that he went back to it. I didn't tell my parents right away, I didn't want to worry them anymore and my sister and I thought he would quit again. I went to Cuba with my boyfriend on January 24, 2014 for a two week vacation. I got a call from my sister on January 27 telling me she found our brother dead in his home the day before. We couldn't leave Cuba until January 31 due to flight restrictions. I so desperately wanted to be home with my family. It was amazing that this vacation in paradise that I was so excited for turned to hell and I couldn't leave fast enough. I didn't get to see my brother one last time and I didn't get to say goodbye. I go hours feeling numb and detached and then it will hit me and I will break down. It has been hell trying to be strong for my poor mom and dad, I know they are hurting even more than me which, truly, I can't fathom. I am so sad for my dear sister that she had to find him that way. It kills me to know my family will never be whole again. My brother had recently started going to church with my mom, which he had never done in the past. In December, a month before he died, he got very emotional talking to me about God and how much he wanted me to accept Jesus into my life. I found out today that he said to his best friend months before "I think I'm going to die soon." and he went on to tell her that she needed to accept Jesus so they would be together in heaven. I don't even know what to make of all of this. I know FOR A FACT that this was not intentional. He would never hurt his family like this ever. He had a to do list and his first and last month's rent (he was moving at the end of the month) and he had more drugs that he was presumably going to do after this fatal hit. This is the only thing that I find comforting, that he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know he never meant to die. My heart is broken beyond repair, and I know the true magnitude of what I have lost has not even sunk in. I love him so much and I miss him and I just want to see his handsome smile again. People say he's in heaven now and he's peaceful now but I need him here with me. How am I supposed to live without him?
  9. Drug overdose

    My 28 year old son passed away in March from a drug overdose. I am still shocked and hurting from his sudden passing. Is anyone else struggling with this kind of loss? asb
  10. I lost my big brother, and only sibling, Joey to an accident drug overdose on Nov 7, 2013. He was only 30. I feel I am having an exceptionally difficult time dealing with this. My mother and I are the most affected and it seems no one understands us. My very best friends, who have been there through thick and thin for the past 10+ years don't even know what to do with me anymore and I live with them. All I want to do is live normal life again but situation are making it so hard. I can barely get the image of him in his casket out of my head. I'm reaching out to anyone that's lost someone, do you ever live a normal life again? When did it get easier for you? What did you do? Any insight please.
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