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Found 28 results

  1. My beloved dog Tomás died yesterday. He died in his sleep, warm under the sun. He was 17 years old and he was a Poodle. He was the most noble dog that I've ever met and my best friend. I loved him like crazy. My mom got him when I was 6 and I can't remember a time in my life without Tomás in it. He was just part of me, we were partners in crime. I swear, his eyes were full of love when he looked at me. Today they sent me the ashes and I can't stand the thought of my beautiful dog inside that little wooden box. I know he wasn't his body and that he is running in heaven now, but the box is just too much for me. I'll bury it in our garden, but meanwhile I can't even look at it. It's so hard for me to understand how his warm, fluffy body was by my side yesterday and today all I have is that urn. I feel so bad for not wanting to keep the ashes like other pet owners seem to do, I feel like I'm betraying him for not wanting the box inside the house. Am I alone in this? I'm just so sad right now... Thank you for reading
  2. 2017 was a bad year

    In 2017 I lost two of my pets. (a) My wife and I had a beautiful black cat with vampire teeth. We rescued him from the Wisconsin humane society, and he was called Jynx when we got him, iut was perfect. We had to put him down in August, as he was in somepain, had weight loss, despite eating like a horse, and he seemed to be unhappy. I do not regret it. But I held him as he passed. I speak to his ashes daily. It comforts me, (b) We lost our Dog, who we had to leave with family when we moved back to my home country (New Zealand). I only saw her once (may last year) when we travelled back to show off our son who had been born in January. I told her it was OK, and thank you for waiting for me. December 30th she was euthanized with cancer that had spread everywhere. What is hitting me hard, is these pets (and one of our remaining cats) were our kids. We had thought we would not be able to have any human children, so I invested my heart in them. I don’t regret this, but I HAVE just lost two kids. My wife does not get it, so we’ve had hard moments, where she does not get I am grief stricken. OR that I need to write and blog this out, to feel better.
  3. On Sunday afternoon I lost my best friend Kaci suddenly. She was only six and had shown no prior signs of illness. My mother and I had been out at the shed; Kaci tried to follow us out, as she hated to be left out of anything, but as it was raining I told her to go back inside. She retreated back in the door, licking her lips as she often would. I followed her in to check something on my phone; I told her we'd be going for a walk soon as I walked past her. There had been some folded up cardboard boxes leaning against a box freezer near the door for days. I heard the sound of the box falling, as well as that of Kaci moving quickly; this wasn't out of character as she was a very jumpy dog. I turned around with the intention of going to rub her and tell her it was nothing, but as I turned I heard her hit the floor. She suddenly started having a seizure; she's never had one before so it came as quite a shock. Yet I'd heard of other people's dogs having regular seizures (albeit they were older dogs) but they tended to be ok after them, so at that time although I was concerned and a tad panicked, I didn't think she was going to pass. I didn't know what to do; I called for my mother, she ran in just as the seizure was coming to an end. She tried to comfort Kaci, just as she let out a gasp. She told me to cut the top off a nearby Coke bottle and use it over her snout to try and give her CPR. But before I got to her, she let out what was her last breath of air and her heart stopped. I tried to give her breath but within a couple minutes she'd emptied her bowels. She was dead. As I said, she had shown no signs of illness; she had been herself all morning and in the days running up to it. To be honest Kaci was a very healthy dog over the six and a bit years I had her. Putting aside the occasional case of the runs, I can only think of three times where she was particularly ill; an ear infection at a few months old, a particularly bad stomach one evening when she was about 3 or 4; and lastly having to have her stomach washed out after consuming grapes. Three times in 6 years seems like nothing, compared to how many times friends have had to bring their dogs to the vet for one thing or another. However while Kaci was very healthy physically, she wasn't so strong mentally. She was a very fearful dog. She would run and hide when anyone would turn on the hoover, if it was dry I'd generally let her out the back while I did it. Cars she could handle but with buses/trucks she would run as far away from the edge of the road as possible anytime one was close. Fireworks scared the life out of her; Halloween time, New Years Eve....times I dreaded as I'd have to watch her shiver in a corner. And there were other assorted sounds that would spook her; things suddenly falling, neighbours hammering things etc. She would also be fearful of strange people when they first came into our house, she would hide from them at first. This sometimes extended to people she hadn't seen in a while. This behavior actually got worse in recent months; while previously she would go hide in a corner, lately she wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, she'd try run upstairs or into the living room. For the record she's not allowed go to those places, and she knows this, she knows where her territory is. So it was very odd to see her tossing aside the rules. She also started doing this with my brother at times, someone who lived with her during her first few months with us and again had lived with us for the past year; someone who had walked her over the years and spent plenty of time with her. Yet some days she would be all over him and others she would run away. Ultimately we feel this may have been the cause of her death. All the fear and stress over the years weakened her heart and made it that she did't have it in her to fight against the seizure. I feel like I failed her; I always felt for her when she was afraid but I never for one moment thought it was causing lasting effects. Why didn't I raise it with a vet? Maybe they could have tested her; found that she had a weak heart and done something about it? Maybe I'm just looking for a way I could have prevented it, because I felt so guilty watching her die, powerless to help her. Since her death I have found it so hard to be alone, especially in silence. The kitchen; the room in which she lived and sadly died, now makes me physically ill. It wasn't a room I spent much time in before I got her, I used to spend my time in my room. Initially we built her a space in the front of the shed, and used to pin the door in a way so that she could get out to do her business, but we found after a couple days that she would just walk outside, to the end of her lead and wait for us to come. She wasn't sleeping, probably due to fear. So on that basis, my house proud mother gave in and said she could move into the kitchen full time. On that day, it became her room. And it became my room too; it was where I would watch movies, play video games and do college work. For six years I spent more time in that room than anywhere else, because of her. Now the room just feels so empty. Today we finally got the chance to bring her body to the vet for cremation; we're getting the ashes back so that we can keep her with us. Up until now, the body had been stored in a container outside, wrapped up in all of her blankets and some bin liners. I felt so guilty leaving her outside over night, knowing that she had hated being outside alone; silly I know seen as she was no longer there but I felt the guilt all the same. It did help, finally letting go of her body today and I also cleaned away some of her stuff which has also helped, as seeing her empty bed was heartbreaking. But nonetheless, I still feel ill in that room. At times I have forgotten she is gone; while writing this, I stopped for a minute and thought "oh I forgot the dog's outside, better let her back in". How ridiculous is that? I'm literally writing about my grief and yet I forget that what I'm grieving about is actually gone?! Yesterday in work; yes I went to work, I couldn't stand staying at home and thought the distraction would help, it did for a while. Anyways while I was in work, for a split second a location came to mind and I thought 'I should bring Kaci on a walk there soon', before yet again reality hit and a tear came to my eye. I'm a really vivid dreamer; and last night I had a dream about her. The dream wasn't too dissimilar to her death; she had a seizure and we were told by a vet that she had a serious issue. The vet said it could be treated but would take thousands of euros. I took the decision to pay the money; that we would fight for her life. Sadly I woke up to find I didn't have that choice. That's a fear I have now, that I will continue to dream vividly about her; when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I spent months dreaming about her virtually every night and it was very painful, to be honest I still dream about her from time to time, although it doesn't bother me as much. I was just 21 when I got Kaci; I was very depressed at the time. I'd only been broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend about 6 months at the time and I'd also found I couldn't afford to go back to college (I had went straight after high school but dropped out after a semester), despite having repeated my high school exams in order to meet the requirements to get to the college I wanted to attend. I was so depressed that I couldn't bring myself to apply for jobs and I barely went out. I have always maintained a small circle of friends and I would see them infrequently, but that was about the extent of my social life. I spent my days playing video games and watching TV. One Sunday I was sitting at home playing Skyrim, the 13/11/2011 (date always sticks out as Skyrim had released 2 days previous); when my mother called me and asked me if I wanted a dog. I was shocked to be honest, I'd spent years begging her for to let me get another one but she'd refused, yet her she was, asking me. It turned out that her friend's daughter had brought Kaci home, begging her mom to let her keep her; they already had a dog so her mom refused but she said my mother should take her for me. And on the spur of the moment my mother decided she'd let me decide. I said yes of course; I didn't even know what kind of dog she was, but nonetheless I was so excited and still a bit shocked to be honest. It turned out she was a labrador cross; her mother was a golden labrador who'd gotten loose and was impregnated by an unknown dog. Eventually we found out her father was most likely a border collie (or at least largely border collie); as vets and trainers who would meet her suggested it, and eventually we met another dog that was confirmed to be that cross, that looked the same as her. Having this little pup changed my life; I had something to focus on, something that relied on me. When we initially got her, she slept in a padded dog carrier that my mother's friend had given her, as she was only 6 weeks old and we didn't feel she was ready to sleep outside alone. So each morning I'd have to get up really early to let her out to do her business. I used to end up watching Spongebob Squarepants while lying on the floor with her on my chest; I'd often end up falling asleep. Might be weird that I can remember what would be on TV, but it stands out as one particular episode had the FUN song that Spongebob and Plankton sing; so I took to singing it to her and did so right up to recently. She probably had no memory of this song ha, but it meant something to me, reminded me of her as a puppy. Went off on a tangent there.... But yeah, having something so vulnerable rely on me to walk it, play with it, feed it; that gave me focus. Allowed me to shake out of my depression. A few months later I had enrolled in a certificate course which eventually gave me a path back to college and my degree. This in turn led to me taking the plunge to get the first job I'd held in years; and one in which I really got involved with my colleagues, rather than being the quiet guy who just done his work. It led to me being more confident, gave me some self esteem; and for the first time in years I've started to think that maybe I can get into a relationship with someone. I feel I owe all of this to my best friend Kaci. People might have thought with her being such a fearful dog that I was her strength and she relied on me; and maybe she did. But I sure did rely on her; she made me feel like I was worth something. When I had a bad day and would feel down and out, she wouldn't let me, she'd want to shower me in kisses or force me to play with her. She'd also listen to my problems; I have good human best friends who are good listeners but I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on them, Kaci though was always willing to lend her ear. The way in which she would greet me after work, would make any bad day go away. She just made my life so much better. I find it hard to imagine a future without her. I have a big job interview coming up, one that will really allow me to kick start a career. I was telling myself that I'd get this job and move out; that Kaci and I would get our own place, and maybe eventually another dog (which wasn't going to be an easy process as she wasn't particularly fond of other dogs). She was giving me the strength to face moving out but now without her I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost a piece of myself; and I'm afraid of facing my future without her. The idea of moving into a place on my own without her, terrifies me. At the minute I feel like all the strides I've made in life are down to her; and that without her I won't be able to keep moving forward. Yet on the flipside I feel that if I allow myself to regress to the me that existed when she first came into my life, I'd be letting her down. Her life, albeit a short one, it's purpose was to make me a better me; to save me from the darkness that was enveloping me, and show me that there's a light outside. She saved my life, I'm honestly not sure if I'd have been able to keep going without her coming into my life. And although I couldn't save her life; I feel I now owe my life to her, that I need to keep striving forward so that I can be someone that people love as much as she did. I want to think that one day I'll find the girl of my dreams, have children and maybe even get more dogs; and be able to point at a picture of Kaci and say "that's the best friend I ever had, she's the reason I'm here and why I'm the best me I can be". Although it currently feels like there's a hole in my heart; and I'm afraid and lonely. I want my best friend to know that I will push through this; and I will continue taking strides forward as she would have wanted. Rest in Peace Kaycee 'Kaci' Wilkinson (30/09/2011 - 21/01/2018)
  4. My dear baby Husky

    Hi. My grammar is not very good but i'm hoping i'm still welcome. I lost my baby 3 days ago, Husky the husky, after 13 years of hugs and adventures. I have only her, my mom and a skype friend. A week prior going to the vet she started to vomit several times a day, had diareea and would look absent and would rather just lie down. She didn't want to eat, didn't drink much. Would not even have treats or sausage. I did not go to the vet immediately, hoping it was something that would go over by itself very soon. I was also frightened they would find something very serious, keep her and euthanize her. Eventually it was too much to see her like this so I went to the vet. They took tests and said it was an infection. Thank Goodness I thought, it can be treated. But then a new test came in and I almost fainted. I had to sit down by the outside door and get air. Her kidney was failing. There was nothing to do. No treatment. No medication. No transplantation. My country doesn't do kidney transplantation. I'm not even sure if they do any kind of transplantation at all. She was dying. It was the truth. On paper. The vet said she wasn't in any pain but it was just a matter of days or less. He/she(I dont even remember) suggested euthanize. I really wished to take her home and make it as comforable as possible the last moments, comforting her, talking with her. hugging her, kissing, being with her toys, her favorite toy the moose. But mom requested that they would take her in for the night and perhaps make it better, somehow. The vet was not sure it would make a difference but eventually fulfilled the request. I didn't agree with mom. For the first time in 13 years I had to sleep alone, without her by my side. I did not sleep. It was indescribable horrible. Next day the vet called and said the treatment did not do anything good, and euthanize was suggested, Immedentaly. I was unable to argue. One hour ride to the vet. We had to sit and wait. Wait too long. We were about to see eachother for the last time and say goodbye but still they made us wait. And when we finally could, they wanted to get paid First! Before you get to say goodbye, money first, please! I felt outraged. But i didn't argue. 748USD for her "treatment". They had prepared a bed for her and they brought her in. She wasn't worse than yesterday, I thought. But she couldn't support herself with her backlegs very well, or if the floor was too slippery. But her fate was alredy decided. I layed down with her, her body onto me, her head on my chest. I hugged her, pet her, talked to her. The vet said we did have a choise. She wouldn't euthanize her here if we requested it. I wanted to take her home, just as I previosly wanted, but mom quickly said to the vet that she would know best. I've always been too weak to speak up properly. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I was selfish for thinking that thought. She seemed to be suffering. What do people on this forum think? Was it the correct choise to euthanize her at the vet clinic? She first injected a transparent liquid to make her relax, then a white liquid, morphine I believe. I talked, hugged, pet her through the whole process. "time to dream baby" I said. She fell asleep very fast. less than 20 seconds. 13 years of cuddling. She was still warm. I was still with her for a long time. Comforting her. Kissing her black-pink nose. I cried. The Vet couldn't hold back either. Perhaps they don't see people so often that really cares for their family members. They let me be alone with her. She's still warm. I never wanted to let her go. She is my all. My baby. She's my friend. My bestbestbest friend ever. I wanted to lie there forever until I died myself. euthanize me too I told. I let her go eventually, after a long while. She's still warm. I see them taking her away from me for the last time. Cremation had been decided. My family have all decided, that, every each of us to be cremated. It's been a few days now. We're griefing everyday day. Feels impossible to let it go and move on. I spend most of my time sleeping in my bed, seldom getting up. Feel no reason to get up. I feel very certain that i will never be able to get over it. I constantly have remorse. Thinking I could have done something different. She Didn't want to be left at the vet. As the vet took her she tried to get back to us. It felt as I betrayed her. She wanted to come home with us. It was Her choise. I should've respected her wish, I think. I can never stop thinking about it. I'm blaming myself constantly. I'm begging to her for forgivness. I'm praying to her to not be angry at me. I light candles. I'm treating her moose as it was her. I don't know how and what to do beyond here. I've lost my will to do anything. I'm praying that, when my, our time is up, she will be there waiting for me in the afterlife, so I can hug her once more and take her on adventures. I promised her that, often during her lifetime. Told her it is what I will do when we see eachother again. and i Will keep that promise, and hope she still wants me as friend. PS. I'm 32 boy, I have anxiety. I have social anxiety. I get anxiety being near people. I have depression. I have no no self-esteem and don't believe in my own abilities. I dropped out of school, I have never worked a single day in my life. I have two friends alive, mom and a Skype friend. And Husky in the afterlife. I'm acting and talking as if Husky were with me still. I pray she is. Thank you for reading all the way to this. I understand and apologize if it was difficult to understand. Goodbye
  5. Please help me

    I know I’m going to get so much hate for this and I completely deserve it. I thought I was doing the right thing, please understand this. I had the best dog in the entire world, he had my heart. I rescued him from a home that was going to drown him. I almost had him 3 years but I killed him. I got too busy and it wasn’t fair to him. He loved me so much, and he didn’t want to be around anyone else. I gave him anti freeze. I know it’s wrong I know. I regret it so much. Please one again I thought I was doing the right thing because it wasn’t fair for him. I’d do anything to see him for 5 more minutes. I deserve it, but how do I stop feeling like this? Gods come into my life since and I’ve asked for forgiveness. I’d obviously never do something like this again and I’ll continue to regret it for the rest of My life
  6. my little terrier died yesterday, and i know its too soon to even begin to say it wont get better but the loss... its just so present, like i’m painfully aware of it. there hasnt been pne minute between yesterday and today i havent tought of him. today i got two hours of sleep because the anxiety wont let me sleep. i know on the back of my head that he’s gone, but for some reason I keep thinking about the place we buried him in (the beach, his favorite place) and I feel he’s going to wake up alone and scared, and that thought pains me beyond reason. since yesterday I started hearing him, seeing him around the house, i feel like im going crazy and literally haven’t stopped crying, ive been crying at least once every two hours, everything hurts. and the worst thing? I feel like my family doesnt feel it as much as I do. yesterday my mom threw away all of his stuff & i didnt stop her because i didnt want her to be ... dismissive about it. she probably wouldn’t have thrown it away if i had said anything, but the pain of seeing her acting like she didnt care about his death would’ve been too much. all my sisters have moved on too... after we buried him they all went back to their normal lives and i feel so selfish for feeling angry about it but he was such a big part of our lives? i feel offended that they couldnt even pretend to be sad for a day. The pain has been so unbearable that ive taken a soft blanket and pretend im petting him when the pain gets too bad. I just feel ... empty. he wasnt just a dog, he was a part of my family, he was like my child. I gave him so much care and love and im just so worried he didn’t know how much he meant to me. I wish i couldve hugged him and told him how much he meant to me, even if he didnt fully understand it
  7. It’s been a month and two weeks since I’ve lost my dog , not a day goes by that I don’t think of him . Every night I cry for him wishing to have him back In my arms . My routines are so hard now in days because I forget that he no longer is here I catch myself doing certain things then reality hits . This is one of the hardest things for me because he was what I called my furry child . I hate hearing the word cancer and it sucks because I work at a cancer center and dogs always come by to visit patients and I think of my dog . I can’t try around other people because a lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to lose a pet specially when you don’t see them as just your pet but as your family . I’m constantly looking at old photos and trying to think of all the good times we shared but i always think of the last day I spent with him and him going to sleep on my arms . I can’t get that imagine out of my head . I feel guilty and I start asking myself if I did the right thing . I’ve read some books to try and help me cope with the pain but it’s easier said than done . A guy recommended I do a dog medium to communicate but idk I’m skeptical and I don’t know I’m constantly asking god for signs to tell me I did the right thing or to show me that he’s okay I don’t know I’m just all over the place . I feel like I haven’t been myself for the past month since he’s left my life hasn’t been the same I miss him so damn much !!!! I’m sorry guys but I just needed to express myself because I bottle everything inside until I can’t anymore . This hurts me so much I wish I could bring him back pain free
  8. On Monday December 4th I had to put my dog down unexpectedly. He was 7 years old and I had, had him since he was 7.5 weeks old. I had trained him to be by my side since the day i got him, i have high anxiety, panic attacks, struggle with depression etc so he was my companion. Whenever I would go in a room he would follow me, he was my shadow. He had been having bathroom problems so we took him into the vet and they did some tests and gave us some meds. It didn't work, he stopped eating so three days later we took him back and he did more tests and everything was alright, so they gave him two injections. It worked for 24 hrs he ate well and his bathroom situation was getting better. Then everything positive stopped. He wouldn't eat, his bathroom situation was BAD, and he wasn't okay. So on Monday I made an emergency appointment for him and he didn't want to get out of the car when we got to the vets office. Thankfully my husbands mother works as a vet tech at the place we took him so she was able to help me get him out of the car. We got into the room and the vet came into the room and started to check him over and then that is when she felt his neck. His lymph nodes were swollen really bad so she took xrays and confirmed it. He had cancer and she would be surprised if he made it 48 more hours and he was in a lot of pain. So I called my husband so he could come say goodbye. I never expected to loose my baby that day. He was in a lot of pain and we had to do the kindest thing we could. I am not handling this well at all. I feel alone even though technically I'm not. My husband has a dog so there is still one in the house but he isn't my dog. I don't know who I am without my dog, he was such a huge part of my day/life. I cry everyday and miss him so badly. I know everyone says it will get better and it is still new but I really just am so lost. I lost a huge part of my heart that day in that vets office.
  9. Hello everyone. This is my first post. So I had just moved here to Oahu with my husband(active military) this past January from California. First time ever living out of state. I was struggling to adapt to this place despite how amazing it is. We decided one day on a whim to adopt a dog. This was around this past March. We rescued a beautiful and loving hound mix brindle named Bruno. He was such a skinny little thing but still had such a happy go lucky personality. My husband had to fly out back to California for a yearly training a little bit after we took Bruno home, so it was just me and our pup for 2 and a half months. Within those months we bonded and grew closer. He helped me get through those grueling few weeks without my husband. Especially since I knew no one out here yet. Fastforward to this September. I noticed he had a small lump in his nose. I ignored it for a bit but then noticed it getting bigger over a course of a few weeks. We took him to the vet to check it out and they said it was either(forgive me, my vocabulary is crap because this grief has my mind all jumbled) malignant (I hope that’s the word?) or cancerous. I stayed positive and thought, hey maybe it’s malignant. But i got that awful call saying it was indeed cancerous. He was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in his nose. I was told this while I was at work and it was already just a busy and stressful day. So we were referred to an oncologist in Honolulu. His options were a medication called Piroxicam, surgery, and chemo. Piroxicam was the only thing we could really afford. Looking back I really wish we went through with the surgery but it’s too late now. Anyway, we gave it at least a month or so to see if the medication was effective. He only got worse from there and long story short, we were just given the most expensive and most painful options for him. Pretty much a dead end. Life has just been so turbulent for my husband and I since then. Some days we are okay or at least try to be and others our hearts just crumble. His nose has gotten so bad to where he’s starting to scratch it a lot. Me and my husband have already discussed putting him down because we can’t do anything else to save him now. But I just hate how it’s hard to tell when would be a good time. When is it too early? When is it too late? I mean I know he is in a lot of pain but he is also still able to go for walks and eat normally. I don’t want to end his life when he is still able to enjoy life but I also don’t want to have to wait too long and have to put him down without my husband. My husband has to go for another training next month and I’m afraid of Bruno getting to that point where I have to put him down by myself. All the uncertainty has just been giving me so much anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I need some advice, support, just anything from anyone that went through the same thing. I just feel so broken right now... UPDATE: So with just research, other opinions and heavy,emotional discussion with my Husband, we have decided to put him down this upcoming Sunday. Though he is still able to walk and eat, it just seems day by day he gets worse and suffers more. It breaks our hearts each time we look at his scratched up nose. He also has been sneezing up blood a lot more frequently... We just do not want him to get to the point where he just hates living through the pain. Guys, I am so scared. The mention of even putting him down put me into a mental breakdown that I have never felt before. I'm scared of how I will be when we actually do go through with the process. And I just find myself crying every single day. I just feel so horrible.. Update 12/11/17: sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to all of your loving and supportive comments. Thank you all for your comforting words. Today my husband and I let our angel cross the rainbow bridge. It had to be one of the most heart breaking things we’ve had to do. Leading up to this day, we took him out every chance we got, my husband made him steak and rice and every single day I told him every single thing I wanted to and let him know numerous times to give my husband and I a sign that he is okay after he is gone. What do you know, moments after we left the vet, an egret flew very low and closely to our car. For a good minute. We took that as his sign of letting us know he is okay. I’m relieved he is no longer in pain but I of course still miss him so much...
  10. Usually when I talk about my mom, the tears come. Doesn't matter what the subject is, the instant I think about her, tears come. I can be anywhere. Then today, even though I spent a bit of the morning tearing from memories of her, I managed to get stuff done and then had to see to a customer. While I was chatting with him about work, my mom came up in conversation and no tears. I don't know if it's cos I was tearing this morning or because I was in "work" mode but nothing came. I don't know if I should be upset or okay with it.
  11. Early Days

    it was only Monday night when Boomer was put to sleep and it is very hard getting thru each long day. The only time is when I am at work my mind does not constantly think of my boomer. The nights are bad and mornings everywhere reminds me of boomer even if I go out I am reminded of all the places we used to go and where he and I will not go again. My car still has his cover and towels and leads and his collar. I can’t bring myself to put them away and everyday tasks become meaningless. Even seeing my walking boots relates to when we went walkabout. I am at a loss at what to do.
  12. This is mostly a way for me to cope by talking about my loss. Our Golden Retriever Charlie was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on his muzzle in October. We were devistated as he was only 4 at the time, and we couldn't just let him go. After some screenings and testing it was determined he had a high chance of recovery with radiation treatment. My mother was able to take a large amount of paid time off so she could take him and live in our camper in a campground nearby the treatment center for the several weeks he needed treatment. The treatments started late October, the rest of our family including our other Golden, Phoebe, would go out to visit them on the weekends. He was doing very well, happy and healthy despite the mouth ulcers and fatigue caused by the treatment. We all thought he was going to fully recover. Then yesterday we got a call. When he was put under anesthesia for the treatment as they always had, his heart stopped beating. They tried everything to save him but it was too late. It wasn't anyone's fault, we don't blame the medical staff. It was a risk we had taken. He was supposed to come home next week. He was just barely 5, his birthday was November 6th. The entire family is devastated. He was the first dog me, my mother, and brother had ever owned, and probably will be the best dog we've ever owned. It was impossible to meet him and not fall in love with him. He loved everyone and everything, and would go up to complete strangers wanting to be pet. He was very goofy, he snored like a person, belched like a sailor, loved to steal all kinds of things, and liked holding blankets in his mouth. He's made us laugh countless times. It's so unfair that this wonderful dog who made so many people happy had his life cut so short. It wasn't his time. He was especially close to my father. They had a special bond, Charlie loved him more than anyone in the world, and that's saying a lot for a dog who loved everyone. Charlie's favorite thing to do was lay by my dad's rocking chair, blanket in his mouth, holding up a paw so my dad could hold it as if they were holding hands. Charlie was most definitely my dad's soulmate. My mother is devistated. She blames herself, the sort of "If I just hadn't got out of bed that morning." I'm not sure if she'll be able to go camping again for a long time because of all the memories the camper has for her now. My brother has been quite in his grief like I have, but I know he's devistated too. Phoebe is at least already used to Charlie being gone due to their separation, but she just doesn't act the same without him around. She's confused as to why my mother is home but Charlie isn't. My parents let her see his body last night, but she didn't understand it was him. (I didn't see his body, I want to keep my memories of him alive and happy.) It hurts me so much to see my family hurting like this. More than anything I just want to see them happy again. But I know it will be a long time before that happens, and it kills me. I just want things to be 'normal' again. But it never will be because part of our normal is gone now.
  13. Will this horrible pain stop?

    I lost my dog on Friday. She was 13, we shared 13 beautiful years together, 24/7 always side by side, she was my priority above everything else. Now the house is not just empty, it's unnatural, it feels "wrong" not to see her around. I feel like the love she gave me has been far more intense than most relationships with humans I've ever had (sorry if I sound a bit extreme here, but it pretty much describes how I feel) and now I feel totally empty. No tears left in me. Is there anyone out there who has ever felt like that? It'd be nice to know that at some point, in the future, this pain will stop or decrease. Thank you in advance for taking some time to read this. Love Anna & Mini (she's still with me)
  14. Thank you for letting me share my special memories of my best friend Milo. I had to say goodbye to him suddenly on Saturday 10/28 because of a stroke my heart aches so very much knowing I will never see my little hero again. He was my first dog/ Maltipoo - Maltese, Poodle mix. I purchased him in 2005 when I was single and lonely. I went into one of those puppy stores driving home one day and they had all the dogs running around in a fenced in area. I went up to the fence and this little white dog came running over to me jumped up on the fence looked at me with those puppy eyes and the rest is history. I spent a wonderful 12.5 years with the most loving friend I could ever have. Thank you Milo my Bud for picking me that day! I put together this video tribute for him using smile box. It made me both smile and cry. Click on links below to view. Thank you for watching and allowing me to share my loving memories of my best friend Milo while I grieve and hope it helps with your pain. I think we can all relate with the words of the song...... Kevin http://www.smilebox.com/play/4e4455334f544d344d54553d0d0a&blogview=true&campaign=blog_playback_link&partner=smileboxdrt
  15. Our baby Toto

    I'm writing this after losing my best friend less than 24 hrs ago. He was a Terrier/ Maltese cross softest dog I've ever known with a unique cheeky clever personality. His name was Toto and he was my new wife's dog from being a tiny pup. My gorgeous wife didn't know the word discipline and 'marded ' him silly on a constant basis which explains his ridiculously soft personality. When my wife and I met over 10 years ago I didn't agree with lack of discipline with animals and letting them sleep on the bed but in time he just worked his magic on me and although I was generally the disciplinarian / alpha in our little family he could get away with murder at times with a cheeky teeth filled grin and pant and soft brown sad eyes that could crack the hardest of nuts. I even let him off itching his bum on my nice cream carpet , he wasn't one for a dirty bum but that was taking the mic! My then girlfriend lived with her parents and a tiny Yorkshire toy girl ( Totos ruling wife mimi)In fact she still does but we married this year ( finally) and waiting to move in our new work in progress house. anyway over the years toto and I became best friends , all be it his main love ❤️ was and will for ever be my Wife as they developed a bond that can only be described as soul mates. Toto was attacked when he was young on an estate and since he could not tolerate other dogs , he almost went into a panic stricken frenzy every time he saw one which no amount of training or conditioning could solve, as a result we just tried to avoid everywhere with dogs and I picked him up and distracted him whilst they passed ..... something which this certain little boy cottoned on too right away! This year he was 11 but very fit , still pulling us both round the lakes as we have a caravan up there which he loved. He adored walking everywhere and showed no signs of tiring or weakness. What an unbelievable thirst for life and an endless supply of love he had for us! It was literally infectious his energy and teddy bear loving ways. He had an ongoing issue with his ear, constantly reforming fungus/ polyps which he often scratched/ infected / needed treatment. As a result he was under a vet who saw him regularly , a month ago he developed a cough , the vet explained when he looked at him this was just a collapsed trachea , common in such breeds and nothing to be concerned about. We were happy to learn this and despite the fact he didn't check him over with a stethoscope or do any tests we were convinced this must be the problem. We continued to see the vet regularly for his ear and this week he had a severe episode of breathlessness which worried us a lot , we were advised that we should keep him cool as it was very hot and humid , sure enough after an hour or so of rapid breathing he improved and slept the next morning seemed better. He happened to have an appt for his ear again later that day so when we took him we explained the main worry was this freak episode and my wife said she thought he was going to die at one point. He again shrugged this off to trachea and said that no further tests would be needed and that he even listed him for surgery and a removal of some polyps the following Tuesday. Again no real thorough assessment no investigations it was late as we were the last of his pts and he was running over 30 mins late. We even asked if bronchodilators may help or anything should such an awful episode like that happen again might ease his symptoms, he just suggested a cool vest. I have to mention that the vets is cheap compared as he does not charge for appointments only if treatment required. As a result he's incredibly busy and apts are quick. I actually think he's a good vet but he's so busy he just isn't thorough as may be he should. Im off work at present as helping do up our shell of a house but kept an eye on him and all seemed ok apart from his bark seemed diminished like his throat was tight seemed more of a hough. We returned from cinema late Friday night and as routine always follows he came upstairs. According to my wife he seemed slow and just sat on the top of the stairs out of behaviour. He then came in the room but panting fast like he had before. I lifted him on the bed as I always do and he seemed not himself, panting very fast. We thought as we did before this must be his trachea like before and put the fan on whilst stroking him and calming him. I searched online looking for remedies , cool him down .... maybe throat gold.....put him on a diet long term ......calm him down. As the hours past his symptoms didn't , I started measuring his respiratory rate 123bpm.....121......120.....122 and so on , surely too fast as online it states much slower and that respiratory distress is an emergency. I couldn't see him like this any longer so I rang an emergency line. I spoke to a pleasant lady and told her everything. She agreed it was right to ring and asked if we were trying to cool him down and is he deteriorating. I said not particularly but he isn't improving. I feel most guilty for then asking how much a consultation would be , she said 160 initial then any treatment is extra after that. She explained our vet has a clinic in the morning even though different clinic we could see him first thing. Now I know for my boy I would spend thousands on him to my last penny if he needed it but we agreed with the vet that we would take him in should he worsen, hoping a repeat of him improving like last time. I don't know why I didn't just take him, I knew he wasn't well and couldn't settle or even lie down. I hate myself for this , I was his protector and I just let him down this goes around my head all the time. That night/ early morning we stroked him , my wife held him up to offload his belly to try and ease his symptoms , she did this for over an hour to help. He seemed at one point to improve but his panting continued. About 6am I had slept for a few hours , again something I feel awful for, I woke to my wife saying he still wasn't right. I rang the vet again but it just rang off so I checked online and they were opening at 9am. We continued to cuddle him in the hope he'd improve. We went straight to the vets ( not original one as we'd lost trust with him now) and almost was seen within 15 mins. a new vet saw him and did a thorough assessment. To our horror he explained he could hear a murmur and also said all this did not seem like trachea at all but he had to rule out heart failure? Now Toto has been such a fit dog , no real sign of any fatigue or weakness before. It can't be this surely ??!!! We are both physios worked in respiratory and very aware of heart failure symptoms and onset. We suddenly thought maybe this explains the initial cough , maybe his lungs are flooding ???? Why have I let him go without immediate treatment if so? Have we just ignored these symptoms last night thinking it was trachea and all along he was in Acute heart failure.... surely not! Why have I just being presuming on such an important life ? the vet took him and explained he will put oxygen on him and sedate him to lie him down and X-ray him. I felt some relief that something was being done. We both thought maybe if it's heart failure he could have a drain in his lungs then be given iv antidiuretics and be on heart meds long term and we'd have our baby back ! He said he'd ring us but to go away for a while until then. We went into town as j had an appointment at spec savers , didn't feel like going but maybe it will take our mind of our worries. The call came in town from the vet , his first words were 'I'm sorry it's not good news'. He might as well have but a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. This wasn't happening. He explained that very shortly after we handed him over to be cared for he put oxygen on him and started to sedate him for the X-ray. He started vomiting blood so he further sedated him and then he had a cardiac arrest. He explained he got him back but didn't know whether he'd suffered brain damage. We rushed back to see him, the vet took us in and explained he'd just passed. That was it .......my boy ....my best pal .... my life , my wife's lifelong companion ! I couldn't understand why when he was so fit before, why had this not been picked up sooner. We could have managed his heart better ! we then were lead round to see him , the worst moment of my life , just laid on the bed all still. Our baby. I cant describe how we feel , it's like this bundle of joy and happiness in our life was left with a massive hole. Just too sad for words. Then anger at the vet. We feel like we've been cheated out of a few years more. This is where it only begins , we'd packed his bag for the caravan with meds / food/ poo bags/ a toy/ his lead and harness. im so angry I'm so upset I'm crying all the time I just don't know what to do all of the time. Don't want to go for a walk or go to the van or do anything. The only thing which seems to help is talking about him and how wonderful he was. Ive come to realise though that this isn't it. He's going to be part of my future too. When we get his body back from the crem we will have him back in the house so he can find his way back to us. Well show him the new house when it's done and tell him he's always invited. I lost my wedding ring on honeymoon and want to get a replacement with some of his hair inside if possible. We will take him upstairs to our room at night and back down to the hall in the morning until we move. Sounds a little weird but we feel this is right. the thought of returning to my house with all his stuff there strikes fear within me or going to the van without him. One day I truly believe I'll see him again and play with him and take him for walks , it's the only way. There m not sure anyone is crazy enough to read this but to be honest just writing about him feels right. I know it's not just me with Toto , I can't begin to feel how my wife is feeling or her parents who are at home with him all these years. Hes our first child really and always will be , if we have kids they will know all about him and all the funny stories we will tell them. I wish my pain would go but in a way my pain is linked to him because I loved him so and I want to turn that pain into joy and a feeling of his specialness inside me forever like I'm now carrying him with me throughout life forever. My wife is worried that he'll be on his own now in heaven or trying to find his way. I know this isn't so , he's such a special dog that he'll have his way of finding us , he'll be with us and when we get his body back he'll continue to see how much we love him and he'll remain with us forever. His journey with us goes on until the next chapter when we are all together again which will happen again in time. Thanks for listening dave
  16. (Sorry for spelling errors I'm very shaken) Yesterday I lost my beautiful 10 month old lab x Spaniel puppy in a car accident, he pulled off the latch on his harness in an open park - and stupidly I didn't run to catch him as he was used to being off the lead and he was an extremely fast, agile dog. After a Minute I went to fetch him, hoping he'd of tired himself out on the field, as he's stayed a relatively close distance to me (no more than 6ft) but he hadn't and instantly bolted towards the top of the park (a long distance - roughly the length of a football field - a distance he's never bolted before) towards the road. I chased him but held back knowing that the more you chase they think it's a game. I tried enticing him back with food but he'd seen a female dog on the other side of the road and kept running. The owners of the dog played with him whilst I ran towards to road to get to him - I kept screaming grab his harness - but they ignored me. All of a sudden, the usually quiet road became full with about 8 cars. Alfie managed to weave through many - I tried everything I could to get him away from the road, I even ran in front of cars. Unluckily, his was hit by a car and skidded down the road. He seemed okay - everybody on the road stopped and people ran out to help. He was conscious and began wagging his tail when he saw me. Nothing was broken but he was bleeding from his mouth. I carried him and the driver of the car that hit him took us to the emergency vet. Everyone seemed optimistic he'd be ok - he was in shock but x-rays showed no damage and thy assured me the bleeding from his mouth was a broken tooth. They said there was slight fluid on his lungs that they'd investigate - so they sent me home because I was too in shock. I kissed him on his cheek and his little tail was wagging to see me - even when he was dying he was still wagging his tail and happy to see me I refused to leave and stayed in the waiting room for an hour, thinking that the IV drip, ext.. would magically save him. When the vet called me in, I was expecting her to say he was ok. But he'd died suddenly. His lungs filled with blood and when they tried to drain it his little tiny heart gave up. I stayed with his body for hours just screaming, I felt him go from warm and soft to cold and stiff, but I never wanted to leave my baby. I haven't eaten, slept or drank since the accident. It's my first experience of death (I'm 19) and I feel like it's entirely my fault. I keep asking the questions: - Why did I take him out? If we stayed in he'd be Alive -why didn't I wait for my mum to come home to walk him? - why didn't I chase him as soon as the latch on his lead to his harness disconnected? -why didn't the family across the road grab him when I asked -why didn't I run more amongst the cars to get him? I feel like this is more than guilt and grief, I feel like dying. I can't cope with the feeling of this loss and I was it was me who'd been hit and not him. He was so young and was a perfect sweet puppy - he deserved so many more years and I feel like I stole them off him. I feel like it was all my fault. I'm struggling to cope without him round the house with my mum; he used to sleep on our beds, watch TV with us, follow us to the toilet, watch us do our makeup, kiss our feet when we just came out the shower, slump against us with all his weight (he was a very heavy muscular pup) we'd go on long walks and he recently began enjoying to swim. It sounds silly but he was like my best friend, and my mum would joke that he was her son and my brother Everyone, including my mum, family and the vets told me it wasn't my fault; that it was an accident; that there was no way I'd of been able to catch him when he'd bolted that far (it was completely out of character for him) and that if I'd ran in to the road more I'd of been hit. But I just don't believe it - I honestly don't know how I can go on with these feelings of guilt that I'd taken away what was supposed to be a long and happy life for him. When I picked him up off the road he wagged his tail, licked my face and snuggled his face in to my shoulder (something he hadn't done since he was a tiny tiny pup) - he must've been so scared and I can't even imagine what he thought of me at the time:(
  17. Overwhelmed with Grief

    Our 11 year old Boston Terrier x French Bulldog, she had to euthanized on Feb 13/17 after succumbing to her Lung Cancer diagnosis on Dec 12/16. We were devastated!! She was our baby and we did everything possible for her to live out the rest of her life pain free. Very shortly after I began looking for a new dog ( I feel like I was trying to fill a void without fully grieving) and we recently picked up brother and sister puppies same breed (boston terrier x French bulldog). I am overcome with grief and have been crying uncontrollably since the new dogs arrived. I feel like I made a mistake in getting them so soon, I am unable to bond with the new dogs and I want to give them back to the breeder but I am embarrassed and ashamed that I should have had these feelings sooner and I don’t know what is best to do for everyone.
  18. Two days ago, I had to put down my best friend of 14 years, Titoy. Titoy was a blessing to our family. Around Christmas 2002, we lost my Uncle Larry, or Titoy as his family called him, to a tragic accident. As a part of our grieving, my parents decided to consider getting a puppy to bring some joy back to our lives. My parents took me to the breeder just to see what kind of puppy we might get in the near future. As soon as I sat on the couch, this little guy crawled into my lap and looked up at me with that crooked look of his as if to say "You're taking me home, right?" That's when I knew we were meant to be together. It's as if HE chose ME. That day, we unexpectedly came home with a puppy and decided to name him Titoy. From then on, we were inseparable. Titoy was my very best friend. He was with me through everything from ages 9 to 23. He was like my shadow, following me absolutely everywhere I went. As a young pup, he was full of so much energy, playing fetch and jumping over the obstacle courses I'd make for him for hours. Titoy was a funny, sweet, quirky, feisty, loving spirit until the day he went to rest. As he got older, Titoy began to slow down as all dogs eventually do. His hearing and eyesight got a bit worse and he wasn't as spritely as he used to be. The most notable difference was that after a few rounds of fetch, he would start coughing. I wish I had known at the time that coughing was an early sign of heart failure. A little over a week ago, I noticed that Titoy was acting funny. His breathing was rapid and he wouldn't eat or move. I took him to the vet where we found out Titoy suffers from a heart murmur and his heart was twice the size it should be, making it hard for him to breathe. After two days of treatment, he came back home with us. Although his heart failure was irreparable, we put him on meds in hopes of managing his symptoms and making him more comfortable. After a week of meds, Titoy declined rapidly over night. Poor thing was essentially suffocating. I took him into the vet and I told them that it was time to put my baby to rest. I knew it was the right decision by the way he looked at me. Throughout his life, Titoy would get seizures. Right before his seizures would happen, Titoy would find me and look at me with panic in his eyes as if to say "Please help me". He looked at me that day and I knew that was it. Among many other things, Titoy has taught me unconditional love. Even when he knew it was time for him to go soon, he was the one comforting me. As I held him, he looked up at me, JUST as he had the first day we met, and kissed my tears away as if to say, "Don't be sad, mommy! It's not goodbye, just see you later. But it's time for me to go now." He went down peacefully and I'm happy he's finally free now. As I came home to my empty house, I never could have anticipated the loss I feel. I feel like I've lost a best friend and a child all at once. I keep expecting him to see him waiting at the top of the stairs waiting to greet me when I come in the front door. Expecting to hear his footsteps right behind me. To wake up with him cuddled next to me every morning. My heart physically hurts. I can't stay asleep because my chest is so heavy, sometimes it's hard to breathe. However, I know that over time, thinking of Titoy won't be as painful as it is now. In a way, I consider myself lucky to have gotten to say goodbye to him the way I did. The last thing he experienced was me holding him and he did not go in pain. It brings me solace knowing he's running around in doggy heaven right now, peaceful and care-free. I hope you know how much I love you Titoy. Thanks for choosing me to be part of your life. I can't wait to see you soon.
  19. I'm barely functioning...I don't know how to deal with the excruciating pain I feel. One of my dogs,10'yr old an Amstaff named Daphne, aka Duckling, my best friend, who shadowed me everywhere I went, ran away two nights ago and got hit by a car or a snow plow on the highway. My 11 yr old daughter let our two dogs out for a pee on that stormy night we had ice rain mixed with snow, and forgot them for almost half an hour while I was giving her baby sister a bath. When she opened the back door only one dog was there and the gate to our yard was open...it's quite strange actually because normally it's the other dog that runs away and my Daphne would always stay put in the yard. I searched on foot with my oldest daughter and in my truck for a while then came home to switch with my husband and then when he came back i went out driving around again for another hour.we could not find her anywhere. I barely slept that night knowing she was out in the storm but I kept telling myself someone would eventually find her, she had a tag with my number, city tag, vet tag, microchip tag.... then next day I made a post about her being missing on Facebook and someone wrote me a msg saying she'd seen a dog lying on the highway about 5 min from my house the night before and felt awful that it was too dangerous for her to stop and see if it was alive. I went to see for myself if the dog was still there figuring it would be picked up already ( after a few hours of waiting for police and spca to get back to me about whether a dog had been picked up there yet or not) it didn't take me long to find her, she wasn't on the highway though but on the side service road. I can't go on to explain how she was ....what she looked like ...i feel like it would be cruel of me to imprint that picture in anyone else's mind. I absolutely can not get that image out of my head. It's haunting me. All day long. All night long. In my dreams. I cry off and on all day and night. It's not making it easier for my kids I know. I try to hide it but it's hard. I know time will heal my pain but I just can't see myself thinking of her or looking at a picture of her and not seeing that horrible image of her lying there the way she was.
  20. My dog has kidney failure

    My 12 year old cross breed cocker was diagnosed with kidney failure today after days or vomit and diarrhoea. I went to the vet today who said he could give him meds and keep him at the veterinary hospital to prolong his life. There is no cure unfortunately and even with those he would only live a few more weeks or months mostly spent at the vets with drips and injections. He's deteriorated rapidly, refuses all food and is very lethargic so I decided not to prolong his suffering and put him to sleep maybe already tomorrow once my husband gets back from a business trip. I want him to say goodbye. The vet gave him some shots today to make him better but it didn't work at all so I don't want him to get worse. He's always been happy and healthy and I can't cope to see him like this. I'm dreading tomorrow and I'm devastated am I doing the right thing? I love him too much too see him suffer. Will he suffer when they put him to sleep? I've been crying non stop and I don't know how to tell my 10 year old son. Please help
  21. Had to say goodbye to Gracie

    Thursday January 19th I had to say goodbye to my best friend Gracie. She was much more than a pet dog. She was a friend, a family member and a constant bright spot in our lives. She was a Schnauzer Spaniel mix and lived to be 8yrs old. Her health was fading and we spent many trips to the vet to get her well. She was scheduled to have surgery on the 19th to have lumps removed near her lymph nodes. They postponed the surgery because of swelling in her throat and decided it was too risky. We were going to bring her back home that evening and wait for a better time. My Wife went to pick her up I stayed home. After an hour I received the 2nd worst phone call I've ever had, the first being the loss of my Mother. My wife called to say that we had to put Gracie to sleep because surgery would be too risky & she was suffering. She said I didn't have to be there if I didn't want to. I raced as fast as I could to be with my baby & see her one last time as hard as it was, I would've always regretted it if I didn't go. She was lying peaceful in a room sedated with pain meds. The Vet was very patient, giving us time with Gracie even though it was after hours. I hope that Gracie knew we were there for her & how much we Love her. We were stroking her and telling her we Loved her as the Vet put her to rest. She faded off to sleep and she was gone.The Vet was kind enough to give us a clay mold of her paw print at no charge, we also kept a clipping of her fur. I knew it was going to be painful, I've experienced loss many times, parents, relatives and pets. Losing Gracie is hurting in a way I didn't expect, I see her everywhere and as crazy as it sounds it's like I can feel her still here. I've never had that kind of Love for a pet, she was special. I fell for her the first time I held her. Everyone that met her liked her, I couldn't find a fault in her if I tried. She had so much Love. I will miss her so much. Thank you for giving me a place to express how I'm feeling. It's comforting to know I'm not alone and I feel for all of you that have experienced the same. James K
  22. Introduction

    Greetings, So this is my guy Jack. Near as we can figure Jack was 4-5 months shy of 15 years of age when he passed on November 23, 2016. This picture of him was taken the day before the vet came to the house. We had known several days beforehand, the date and time that the vet was to come to end further suffering. Jack was slowly losing his sight and hearing, although not totally. He had trouble in his spine that caused trouble in his rear quarters, Jack was ambulatory although had to be carried up and down the stairs in our home. We were managing pain issues and he had definite signs of "old dog syndrome." We were able to go on walks right up until the day he died albeit very slow walks. Things were not going in a good direction, nor were they going to. Many nights were spent consoling him. It seemed especially at night was when he became most restless, Sometimes (day or night) I would cradle him in the recliner (he would recline with me) and sometimes that would work. I had a little thing I used to do, almost like a form of "hypnosis" and it was effective in putting him at ease almost immediately, with him going to sleep Quite often I would get on the floor with him and just let him know I was there with touch. At night I often had to get at the foot of the bed with him as he barked or whimpered but eventually he would go into a deep sleep and all was well again. Jack loved life. He loved the outdoors and was well blessed to have had lots of freedom of movement. Many nights I would be up in the wee hours. No matter how restless he was, the outdoors was like an instant sedative. So if he wanted to go in and out 4 - 5 times in succession we would do that, alternating between in and out. Each time coming back in nibbling, snacking on dog treats and drinking lots of water and finally back to bed. I would do gentle physical therapy with him. He had very long hind legs. In the bed I would position him, get him comfortable, stretch him out gently and all of these things made a difference for him. He was still powerful in his front legs and chest. He still had a great appetite (Jack always self-regulated his diet) and was drinking plenty of water. Another vet had said there was nothing wrong with his heart or lungs, just that he was gradually loosing sensation in his rear end along with the other things mentioned. At some point I realized I was basically doing hospice care on my best buddy. I was no stranger to that work. In 2009 I helped see my dad off, doing hospice care with him. So loss being no stranger to me and yet the strength of the grief that I feel over losing my buddy Jack has been quite intense. Jack on November 22, 2016 I raised him and trained him from a pup. He was extremely intelligent, athletic and funny as all hell. I'm still not sure which one of us was the Laurel to the other's Hardy! The vet who came to the house was wonderful. I found her by searching on-line for vets who would perform this service at home. I was pleased to know I wasn't alone in my desire to have Jack go peacefully, in the place that was familiar to him. Suzanne (the vet) and I had only spoken once on the phone several weeks before her visit to end Jack's suffering. The day she came, she sat on the floor and the dog bed with Jack and me. She talked with my son (sitting nearby) and I, all the while gently preparing Jack for his final journey. Nothing was hurried or rushed. The conversation was easy and thoughtful. Suzanne said at one point "you know, one of the big differences between us and dogs is, dogs have no thoughts of the past, no thoughts of the future, all they know is right now, and how they are feeling right now." I knew of course that she was correct. Jack was very relaxed and very peaceful, eventually going to sleep from the sedative. He accepted Suzanne and her presence easily with, no hint of fear or recriminations. Suzanne also said, “take comfort in the fact that you weren't too late." That made me pause for a brief moment, but then I understood what she meant. In the days since, my inner voice has been asking but were you too early? Of course that's just a little mind trick, a quirk of the human condition, you see? Unlike Jack, I DO sometimes ponder the past and the future. A wise old friend told me once, many years ago, " Mike, there are two eternities in life. One is called yesterday and the other is call tomorrow, and those two eternities can drive men insane." Jack on the other hand, had no past, no future, not even at this most profound of moments, the ending of his life! I believe the worst part about grieving and loss is the sense that suddenly we are all alone in it. Even (or rather especially) and sometimes in a room full of people this is true. I know of course that I am not alone as this place and many others prove, and also for the love of loved ones who also grieve their own personal loss, in their own way, just as often with the same feeling of aloneness that we ourselves feel. I swear I don't know how others do it but I have a tendency to bottle the stuff and that ain't particularly helpful (or healthy.) The worst thing has been not to express or expressing what seems to be inadequately, the moving picture show of Jack in my mind’s eye and all that it encompassed, all that it has meant. As I point out to family members, I do not grieve for Jack as I KNOW Jack is fine. Jack is not in some hole in the back yard. That was merely Jacks shell, no longer being occupied. I grieve for myself, for all those years and moments that exist now only in memory, like a dream upon awakening. I held him as he went to sleep that day for the last time, never letting go till the end. I felt the life drain from him, his last earthly movements coursing through me like water and sand through my fingers. Choking back the tears that if allowed, would have been inconsolable, all I could manage, "my buddy, my buddy." More small talk with Suzanne, I notice she wipes a tear from her eye. Even after having performed this ritual God only knows how many times before, she feels this pain. Jack is resting now and forever. That is a good and noble thing. Walking Suzanne to her car, carrying her supplies and after waiting her departure, number one son and I went out into the shed to "decompress" while Jack lay on his bed at peace in the living room giving final testament to his short reign here on earth. We returned inside, and gently cleaning him up, and bundling him warmly in his favorite "shed blanket." Picking him up we gently brought him outside placing him into the ground which had been started the day before and finished by my son that morning. We buried him deep in a lovely place, It was a personal favorite of good ole Jack, underneath the trumpet vine so that in the summer when in full bloom, the humming birds will stop by to say hello to him and to us. Thank you to those who may have made it this far. This is kind of my personal message in a bottle Lastly, I would like to share something that has always given me the greatest hope and inspiration during times of loss, I think applicable to all well loved sentient beings that pass from us. Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. Mary Elizabeth Frye, (Written in 1932 this is her only known writing) Michael (missing jack)
  23. Hey guys. I really don't know what to say. I lost my best friend four months ago. TESSA 1999-2016. She was 17 a border collie and always been there since I can remember. We had to send her to heaven due to lumps and general old age really. She had such a happy life and I know her age was amazing. But I still cry at least twice a day. I just can't seem to move forward. I just keep crying to my dh saying I'd do anything for one more moment with her. When will it get easier? I really can't cope. I don't know what I'm asking or saying but just need to vent I guess thanks for reading xxxx
  24. I lost my FURever baby

    I lost my beloved doghter yesterday. She is a 4 years old pomeranian. She was so full of live, full of energy, and so loving. My world revolves around her from the moment I laid my eyes on her. She is my dream dog because I always wanted to have a pom and waited 3 years to finally be able to afford one. There's not a day where I didn't kiss her and tell her how much I love her. She's the only thing that I look forward to when I go home. She's definitely the highlight of my every day whether it's a sad or a happy one. She's perfectly healthy, hyper, energetic and there's no dull moments with her. I lost her because of Ehrlichia and pneumonia. I was so devasted and no words can comfort me right now. It seems like nothing can take the pain. She's the only thing that I loved this much. 3 weeks ago she had her first ever stud experience, then after a few days she became weak and seems to be ill. I bought her to the vet, and they found out she have ehrlichia or also known as dengue in dogs. It's not the first time she had that sickness, she had it before already and survived. But this 2 days ago she have trouble breathing and seems so restless and can't sleep so we bought her again to the vet for check up. Her vet referred us to another pet hospital because they don't have ECG to check her heart. I am full of regret and kinda angry to myself because she's perfectly fine that day.. She still eats, bark so hard like her normal self.. She still walks around and so strong and full lf life. Then when we brought her to that hospital they did new tests, she had CBC, Xray everything. My dog looks so stressed and so afraid because her fear is going to the vet. And she is not used to this new hospital and she doesn't know anyone there. So after the doctor checked her, She vomitted a lot and then her tongue became blue and she's so pale. We tought maybe she had a stroke because she is so stressed and afraid at the vet. Her Blood pressure is so high .. Then they put oxygen to her nose. Then they couldn't check her heart because the one who conducts ECG is on leave. We decided to confine her there and we chos a suite room so that we can stay by her side the whole day..and never leave her. She don't eat or sleep anymore and seems so weak. She can't even stand and she barely can raise her head. They gave her a lot of IV medications and antibiocs.. I stayed by her side and took care of her pat his head and always touch her body. I talk to her and told her I love her and that she'll get well and we will go home and play. I assure her that we will never leave her and she will be okay. And then around 9pm that night I decided to go home first and take a shower and go back there again after, so my mom replaced me and stayed by her side. Then after I leave.. Her temperature dropped and she began shaking. She became stiff and struggling.. Then the vets rushed to save her.. After I left her her temperature dropped and she started shaking and her legs became stiff then they examined her and did everything to her. But she didn't survived. I didn't make it on time to go back there. It was 11:50 pm something when she passed away. And I was minutes late to be by her side i don't knw if she just waited for me to leave before she decided to let go. And that was my biggest regret I am so angry at myself that maybe if i didn't brought her to that hospital she is still here with me today. I didn't know what happened why she didn't survived and I feel like I didn't do all my best and I have a lot of regrets like I hope I didn't mate her, i hope I didn't bring her to the vet because It added to her stress and made her pass much sooner. I don't know what to feel. I prayed so hard but she was taken away from me. I love her so much and I know I will love her forever. I never felt this kind of pain in my life. I gave her everything, the best foods, all of my attention, all of the love. Everything. But money can't save her life. I fee like it's my fault. I miss her terribly and I just break down whenever I remember her. I cry all day and i can't focus on anything else. I hope I can touch and hug her. I am in so much pain I don't know what to do. It feels like an eternity of pain. Please help me. But Despite that pain, everything is worth it. She changed my life, i learned how to love something with a pure heart and made me give my 200% love to her. I only had her for 4 years but that was the best 4 years of my life, that 4 years is our little infinity and forever. She is the best thing I had. Nothing can replace her. And I will always cherish Her. I love her so much.
  25. We had to make the heart wrenching decision to put my lovely 7 year old Rottweiler down the yesterday. He was a labrador/Rottweiler cross who was perfect. The most handsome and loving dog I've ever known. He had problems with his back legs for over 6 weeks and after visiting the vets about 15+ times they came to the conclusion that it was actually a tumour in his spinal chord. After further investigation, we found out that he actually had lymphoma and he no longer had use of his back legs. There was the option of chemotherapy but the vet didn't seem hopeful that any improvement would be made with the use of his back legs as chemo can cause more damage to the spinal chord than it already had. I just feel so sad and guilty. I would've sooner killed myself than see that dog go, but now I'm in absolute bits. I miss my puppy boy !!!!!
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