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Found 13 results

  1. (Sorry for spelling errors I'm very shaken) Yesterday I lost my beautiful 10 month old lab x Spaniel puppy in a car accident, he pulled off the latch on his harness in an open park - and stupidly I didn't run to catch him as he was used to being off the lead and he was an extremely fast, agile dog. After a Minute I went to fetch him, hoping he'd of tired himself out on the field, as he's stayed a relatively close distance to me (no more than 6ft) but he hadn't and instantly bolted towards the top of the park (a long distance - roughly the length of a football field - a distance he's never bolted before) towards the road. I chased him but held back knowing that the more you chase they think it's a game. I tried enticing him back with food but he'd seen a female dog on the other side of the road and kept running. The owners of the dog played with him whilst I ran towards to road to get to him - I kept screaming grab his harness - but they ignored me. All of a sudden, the usually quiet road became full with about 8 cars. Alfie managed to weave through many - I tried everything I could to get him away from the road, I even ran in front of cars. Unluckily, his was hit by a car and skidded down the road. He seemed okay - everybody on the road stopped and people ran out to help. He was conscious and began wagging his tail when he saw me. Nothing was broken but he was bleeding from his mouth. I carried him and the driver of the car that hit him took us to the emergency vet. Everyone seemed optimistic he'd be ok - he was in shock but x-rays showed no damage and thy assured me the bleeding from his mouth was a broken tooth. They said there was slight fluid on his lungs that they'd investigate - so they sent me home because I was too in shock. I kissed him on his cheek and his little tail was wagging to see me - even when he was dying he was still wagging his tail and happy to see me I refused to leave and stayed in the waiting room for an hour, thinking that the IV drip, ext.. would magically save him. When the vet called me in, I was expecting her to say he was ok. But he'd died suddenly. His lungs filled with blood and when they tried to drain it his little tiny heart gave up. I stayed with his body for hours just screaming, I felt him go from warm and soft to cold and stiff, but I never wanted to leave my baby. I haven't eaten, slept or drank since the accident. It's my first experience of death (I'm 19) and I feel like it's entirely my fault. I keep asking the questions: - Why did I take him out? If we stayed in he'd be Alive -why didn't I wait for my mum to come home to walk him? - why didn't I chase him as soon as the latch on his lead to his harness disconnected? -why didn't the family across the road grab him when I asked -why didn't I run more amongst the cars to get him? I feel like this is more than guilt and grief, I feel like dying. I can't cope with the feeling of this loss and I was it was me who'd been hit and not him. He was so young and was a perfect sweet puppy - he deserved so many more years and I feel like I stole them off him. I feel like it was all my fault. I'm struggling to cope without him round the house with my mum; he used to sleep on our beds, watch TV with us, follow us to the toilet, watch us do our makeup, kiss our feet when we just came out the shower, slump against us with all his weight (he was a very heavy muscular pup) we'd go on long walks and he recently began enjoying to swim. It sounds silly but he was like my best friend, and my mum would joke that he was her son and my brother Everyone, including my mum, family and the vets told me it wasn't my fault; that it was an accident; that there was no way I'd of been able to catch him when he'd bolted that far (it was completely out of character for him) and that if I'd ran in to the road more I'd of been hit. But I just don't believe it - I honestly don't know how I can go on with these feelings of guilt that I'd taken away what was supposed to be a long and happy life for him. When I picked him up off the road he wagged his tail, licked my face and snuggled his face in to my shoulder (something he hadn't done since he was a tiny tiny pup) - he must've been so scared and I can't even imagine what he thought of me at the time:(
  2. Our 11 year old Boston Terrier x French Bulldog, she had to euthanized on Feb 13/17 after succumbing to her Lung Cancer diagnosis on Dec 12/16. We were devastated!! She was our baby and we did everything possible for her to live out the rest of her life pain free. Very shortly after I began looking for a new dog ( I feel like I was trying to fill a void without fully grieving) and we recently picked up brother and sister puppies same breed (boston terrier x French bulldog). I am overcome with grief and have been crying uncontrollably since the new dogs arrived. I feel like I made a mistake in getting them so soon, I am unable to bond with the new dogs and I want to give them back to the breeder but I am embarrassed and ashamed that I should have had these feelings sooner and I don’t know what is best to do for everyone.
  3. Two days ago, I had to put down my best friend of 14 years, Titoy. Titoy was a blessing to our family. Around Christmas 2002, we lost my Uncle Larry, or Titoy as his family called him, to a tragic accident. As a part of our grieving, my parents decided to consider getting a puppy to bring some joy back to our lives. My parents took me to the breeder just to see what kind of puppy we might get in the near future. As soon as I sat on the couch, this little guy crawled into my lap and looked up at me with that crooked look of his as if to say "You're taking me home, right?" That's when I knew we were meant to be together. It's as if HE chose ME. That day, we unexpectedly came home with a puppy and decided to name him Titoy. From then on, we were inseparable. Titoy was my very best friend. He was with me through everything from ages 9 to 23. He was like my shadow, following me absolutely everywhere I went. As a young pup, he was full of so much energy, playing fetch and jumping over the obstacle courses I'd make for him for hours. Titoy was a funny, sweet, quirky, feisty, loving spirit until the day he went to rest. As he got older, Titoy began to slow down as all dogs eventually do. His hearing and eyesight got a bit worse and he wasn't as spritely as he used to be. The most notable difference was that after a few rounds of fetch, he would start coughing. I wish I had known at the time that coughing was an early sign of heart failure. A little over a week ago, I noticed that Titoy was acting funny. His breathing was rapid and he wouldn't eat or move. I took him to the vet where we found out Titoy suffers from a heart murmur and his heart was twice the size it should be, making it hard for him to breathe. After two days of treatment, he came back home with us. Although his heart failure was irreparable, we put him on meds in hopes of managing his symptoms and making him more comfortable. After a week of meds, Titoy declined rapidly over night. Poor thing was essentially suffocating. I took him into the vet and I told them that it was time to put my baby to rest. I knew it was the right decision by the way he looked at me. Throughout his life, Titoy would get seizures. Right before his seizures would happen, Titoy would find me and look at me with panic in his eyes as if to say "Please help me". He looked at me that day and I knew that was it. Among many other things, Titoy has taught me unconditional love. Even when he knew it was time for him to go soon, he was the one comforting me. As I held him, he looked up at me, JUST as he had the first day we met, and kissed my tears away as if to say, "Don't be sad, mommy! It's not goodbye, just see you later. But it's time for me to go now." He went down peacefully and I'm happy he's finally free now. As I came home to my empty house, I never could have anticipated the loss I feel. I feel like I've lost a best friend and a child all at once. I keep expecting him to see him waiting at the top of the stairs waiting to greet me when I come in the front door. Expecting to hear his footsteps right behind me. To wake up with him cuddled next to me every morning. My heart physically hurts. I can't stay asleep because my chest is so heavy, sometimes it's hard to breathe. However, I know that over time, thinking of Titoy won't be as painful as it is now. In a way, I consider myself lucky to have gotten to say goodbye to him the way I did. The last thing he experienced was me holding him and he did not go in pain. It brings me solace knowing he's running around in doggy heaven right now, peaceful and care-free. I hope you know how much I love you Titoy. Thanks for choosing me to be part of your life. I can't wait to see you soon.
  4. I'm barely functioning...I don't know how to deal with the excruciating pain I feel. One of my dogs,10'yr old an Amstaff named Daphne, aka Duckling, my best friend, who shadowed me everywhere I went, ran away two nights ago and got hit by a car or a snow plow on the highway. My 11 yr old daughter let our two dogs out for a pee on that stormy night we had ice rain mixed with snow, and forgot them for almost half an hour while I was giving her baby sister a bath. When she opened the back door only one dog was there and the gate to our yard was's quite strange actually because normally it's the other dog that runs away and my Daphne would always stay put in the yard. I searched on foot with my oldest daughter and in my truck for a while then came home to switch with my husband and then when he came back i went out driving around again for another hour.we could not find her anywhere. I barely slept that night knowing she was out in the storm but I kept telling myself someone would eventually find her, she had a tag with my number, city tag, vet tag, microchip tag.... then next day I made a post about her being missing on Facebook and someone wrote me a msg saying she'd seen a dog lying on the highway about 5 min from my house the night before and felt awful that it was too dangerous for her to stop and see if it was alive. I went to see for myself if the dog was still there figuring it would be picked up already ( after a few hours of waiting for police and spca to get back to me about whether a dog had been picked up there yet or not) it didn't take me long to find her, she wasn't on the highway though but on the side service road. I can't go on to explain how she was ....what she looked like ...i feel like it would be cruel of me to imprint that picture in anyone else's mind. I absolutely can not get that image out of my head. It's haunting me. All day long. All night long. In my dreams. I cry off and on all day and night. It's not making it easier for my kids I know. I try to hide it but it's hard. I know time will heal my pain but I just can't see myself thinking of her or looking at a picture of her and not seeing that horrible image of her lying there the way she was.
  5. My 12 year old cross breed cocker was diagnosed with kidney failure today after days or vomit and diarrhoea. I went to the vet today who said he could give him meds and keep him at the veterinary hospital to prolong his life. There is no cure unfortunately and even with those he would only live a few more weeks or months mostly spent at the vets with drips and injections. He's deteriorated rapidly, refuses all food and is very lethargic so I decided not to prolong his suffering and put him to sleep maybe already tomorrow once my husband gets back from a business trip. I want him to say goodbye. The vet gave him some shots today to make him better but it didn't work at all so I don't want him to get worse. He's always been happy and healthy and I can't cope to see him like this. I'm dreading tomorrow and I'm devastated am I doing the right thing? I love him too much too see him suffer. Will he suffer when they put him to sleep? I've been crying non stop and I don't know how to tell my 10 year old son. Please help
  6. Thursday January 19th I had to say goodbye to my best friend Gracie. She was much more than a pet dog. She was a friend, a family member and a constant bright spot in our lives. She was a Schnauzer Spaniel mix and lived to be 8yrs old. Her health was fading and we spent many trips to the vet to get her well. She was scheduled to have surgery on the 19th to have lumps removed near her lymph nodes. They postponed the surgery because of swelling in her throat and decided it was too risky. We were going to bring her back home that evening and wait for a better time. My Wife went to pick her up I stayed home. After an hour I received the 2nd worst phone call I've ever had, the first being the loss of my Mother. My wife called to say that we had to put Gracie to sleep because surgery would be too risky & she was suffering. She said I didn't have to be there if I didn't want to. I raced as fast as I could to be with my baby & see her one last time as hard as it was, I would've always regretted it if I didn't go. She was lying peaceful in a room sedated with pain meds. The Vet was very patient, giving us time with Gracie even though it was after hours. I hope that Gracie knew we were there for her & how much we Love her. We were stroking her and telling her we Loved her as the Vet put her to rest. She faded off to sleep and she was gone.The Vet was kind enough to give us a clay mold of her paw print at no charge, we also kept a clipping of her fur. I knew it was going to be painful, I've experienced loss many times, parents, relatives and pets. Losing Gracie is hurting in a way I didn't expect, I see her everywhere and as crazy as it sounds it's like I can feel her still here. I've never had that kind of Love for a pet, she was special. I fell for her the first time I held her. Everyone that met her liked her, I couldn't find a fault in her if I tried. She had so much Love. I will miss her so much. Thank you for giving me a place to express how I'm feeling. It's comforting to know I'm not alone and I feel for all of you that have experienced the same. James K
  7. Greetings, So this is my guy Jack. Near as we can figure Jack was 4-5 months shy of 15 years of age when he passed on November 23, 2016. This picture of him was taken the day before the vet came to the house. We had known several days beforehand, the date and time that the vet was to come to end further suffering. Jack was slowly losing his sight and hearing, although not totally. He had trouble in his spine that caused trouble in his rear quarters, Jack was ambulatory although had to be carried up and down the stairs in our home. We were managing pain issues and he had definite signs of "old dog syndrome." We were able to go on walks right up until the day he died albeit very slow walks. Things were not going in a good direction, nor were they going to. Many nights were spent consoling him. It seemed especially at night was when he became most restless, Sometimes (day or night) I would cradle him in the recliner (he would recline with me) and sometimes that would work. I had a little thing I used to do, almost like a form of "hypnosis" and it was effective in putting him at ease almost immediately, with him going to sleep Quite often I would get on the floor with him and just let him know I was there with touch. At night I often had to get at the foot of the bed with him as he barked or whimpered but eventually he would go into a deep sleep and all was well again. Jack loved life. He loved the outdoors and was well blessed to have had lots of freedom of movement. Many nights I would be up in the wee hours. No matter how restless he was, the outdoors was like an instant sedative. So if he wanted to go in and out 4 - 5 times in succession we would do that, alternating between in and out. Each time coming back in nibbling, snacking on dog treats and drinking lots of water and finally back to bed. I would do gentle physical therapy with him. He had very long hind legs. In the bed I would position him, get him comfortable, stretch him out gently and all of these things made a difference for him. He was still powerful in his front legs and chest. He still had a great appetite (Jack always self-regulated his diet) and was drinking plenty of water. Another vet had said there was nothing wrong with his heart or lungs, just that he was gradually loosing sensation in his rear end along with the other things mentioned. At some point I realized I was basically doing hospice care on my best buddy. I was no stranger to that work. In 2009 I helped see my dad off, doing hospice care with him. So loss being no stranger to me and yet the strength of the grief that I feel over losing my buddy Jack has been quite intense. Jack on November 22, 2016 I raised him and trained him from a pup. He was extremely intelligent, athletic and funny as all hell. I'm still not sure which one of us was the Laurel to the other's Hardy! The vet who came to the house was wonderful. I found her by searching on-line for vets who would perform this service at home. I was pleased to know I wasn't alone in my desire to have Jack go peacefully, in the place that was familiar to him. Suzanne (the vet) and I had only spoken once on the phone several weeks before her visit to end Jack's suffering. The day she came, she sat on the floor and the dog bed with Jack and me. She talked with my son (sitting nearby) and I, all the while gently preparing Jack for his final journey. Nothing was hurried or rushed. The conversation was easy and thoughtful. Suzanne said at one point "you know, one of the big differences between us and dogs is, dogs have no thoughts of the past, no thoughts of the future, all they know is right now, and how they are feeling right now." I knew of course that she was correct. Jack was very relaxed and very peaceful, eventually going to sleep from the sedative. He accepted Suzanne and her presence easily with, no hint of fear or recriminations. Suzanne also said, “take comfort in the fact that you weren't too late." That made me pause for a brief moment, but then I understood what she meant. In the days since, my inner voice has been asking but were you too early? Of course that's just a little mind trick, a quirk of the human condition, you see? Unlike Jack, I DO sometimes ponder the past and the future. A wise old friend told me once, many years ago, " Mike, there are two eternities in life. One is called yesterday and the other is call tomorrow, and those two eternities can drive men insane." Jack on the other hand, had no past, no future, not even at this most profound of moments, the ending of his life! I believe the worst part about grieving and loss is the sense that suddenly we are all alone in it. Even (or rather especially) and sometimes in a room full of people this is true. I know of course that I am not alone as this place and many others prove, and also for the love of loved ones who also grieve their own personal loss, in their own way, just as often with the same feeling of aloneness that we ourselves feel. I swear I don't know how others do it but I have a tendency to bottle the stuff and that ain't particularly helpful (or healthy.) The worst thing has been not to express or expressing what seems to be inadequately, the moving picture show of Jack in my mind’s eye and all that it encompassed, all that it has meant. As I point out to family members, I do not grieve for Jack as I KNOW Jack is fine. Jack is not in some hole in the back yard. That was merely Jacks shell, no longer being occupied. I grieve for myself, for all those years and moments that exist now only in memory, like a dream upon awakening. I held him as he went to sleep that day for the last time, never letting go till the end. I felt the life drain from him, his last earthly movements coursing through me like water and sand through my fingers. Choking back the tears that if allowed, would have been inconsolable, all I could manage, "my buddy, my buddy." More small talk with Suzanne, I notice she wipes a tear from her eye. Even after having performed this ritual God only knows how many times before, she feels this pain. Jack is resting now and forever. That is a good and noble thing. Walking Suzanne to her car, carrying her supplies and after waiting her departure, number one son and I went out into the shed to "decompress" while Jack lay on his bed at peace in the living room giving final testament to his short reign here on earth. We returned inside, and gently cleaning him up, and bundling him warmly in his favorite "shed blanket." Picking him up we gently brought him outside placing him into the ground which had been started the day before and finished by my son that morning. We buried him deep in a lovely place, It was a personal favorite of good ole Jack, underneath the trumpet vine so that in the summer when in full bloom, the humming birds will stop by to say hello to him and to us. Thank you to those who may have made it this far. This is kind of my personal message in a bottle Lastly, I would like to share something that has always given me the greatest hope and inspiration during times of loss, I think applicable to all well loved sentient beings that pass from us. Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. Mary Elizabeth Frye, (Written in 1932 this is her only known writing) Michael (missing jack)
  8. We had to make the heart wrenching decision to put my lovely 7 year old Rottweiler down the yesterday. He was a labrador/Rottweiler cross who was perfect. The most handsome and loving dog I've ever known. He had problems with his back legs for over 6 weeks and after visiting the vets about 15+ times they came to the conclusion that it was actually a tumour in his spinal chord. After further investigation, we found out that he actually had lymphoma and he no longer had use of his back legs. There was the option of chemotherapy but the vet didn't seem hopeful that any improvement would be made with the use of his back legs as chemo can cause more damage to the spinal chord than it already had. I just feel so sad and guilty. I would've sooner killed myself than see that dog go, but now I'm in absolute bits. I miss my puppy boy !!!!!
  9. Hey guys. I really don't know what to say. I lost my best friend four months ago. TESSA 1999-2016. She was 17 a border collie and always been there since I can remember. We had to send her to heaven due to lumps and general old age really. She had such a happy life and I know her age was amazing. But I still cry at least twice a day. I just can't seem to move forward. I just keep crying to my dh saying I'd do anything for one more moment with her. When will it get easier? I really can't cope. I don't know what I'm asking or saying but just need to vent I guess thanks for reading xxxx
  10. I lost my beloved doghter yesterday. She is a 4 years old pomeranian. She was so full of live, full of energy, and so loving. My world revolves around her from the moment I laid my eyes on her. She is my dream dog because I always wanted to have a pom and waited 3 years to finally be able to afford one. There's not a day where I didn't kiss her and tell her how much I love her. She's the only thing that I look forward to when I go home. She's definitely the highlight of my every day whether it's a sad or a happy one. She's perfectly healthy, hyper, energetic and there's no dull moments with her. I lost her because of Ehrlichia and pneumonia. I was so devasted and no words can comfort me right now. It seems like nothing can take the pain. She's the only thing that I loved this much. 3 weeks ago she had her first ever stud experience, then after a few days she became weak and seems to be ill. I bought her to the vet, and they found out she have ehrlichia or also known as dengue in dogs. It's not the first time she had that sickness, she had it before already and survived. But this 2 days ago she have trouble breathing and seems so restless and can't sleep so we bought her again to the vet for check up. Her vet referred us to another pet hospital because they don't have ECG to check her heart. I am full of regret and kinda angry to myself because she's perfectly fine that day.. She still eats, bark so hard like her normal self.. She still walks around and so strong and full lf life. Then when we brought her to that hospital they did new tests, she had CBC, Xray everything. My dog looks so stressed and so afraid because her fear is going to the vet. And she is not used to this new hospital and she doesn't know anyone there. So after the doctor checked her, She vomitted a lot and then her tongue became blue and she's so pale. We tought maybe she had a stroke because she is so stressed and afraid at the vet. Her Blood pressure is so high .. Then they put oxygen to her nose. Then they couldn't check her heart because the one who conducts ECG is on leave. We decided to confine her there and we chos a suite room so that we can stay by her side the whole day..and never leave her. She don't eat or sleep anymore and seems so weak. She can't even stand and she barely can raise her head. They gave her a lot of IV medications and antibiocs.. I stayed by her side and took care of her pat his head and always touch her body. I talk to her and told her I love her and that she'll get well and we will go home and play. I assure her that we will never leave her and she will be okay. And then around 9pm that night I decided to go home first and take a shower and go back there again after, so my mom replaced me and stayed by her side. Then after I leave.. Her temperature dropped and she began shaking. She became stiff and struggling.. Then the vets rushed to save her.. After I left her her temperature dropped and she started shaking and her legs became stiff then they examined her and did everything to her. But she didn't survived. I didn't make it on time to go back there. It was 11:50 pm something when she passed away. And I was minutes late to be by her side i don't knw if she just waited for me to leave before she decided to let go. And that was my biggest regret I am so angry at myself that maybe if i didn't brought her to that hospital she is still here with me today. I didn't know what happened why she didn't survived and I feel like I didn't do all my best and I have a lot of regrets like I hope I didn't mate her, i hope I didn't bring her to the vet because It added to her stress and made her pass much sooner. I don't know what to feel. I prayed so hard but she was taken away from me. I love her so much and I know I will love her forever. I never felt this kind of pain in my life. I gave her everything, the best foods, all of my attention, all of the love. Everything. But money can't save her life. I fee like it's my fault. I miss her terribly and I just break down whenever I remember her. I cry all day and i can't focus on anything else. I hope I can touch and hug her. I am in so much pain I don't know what to do. It feels like an eternity of pain. Please help me. But Despite that pain, everything is worth it. She changed my life, i learned how to love something with a pure heart and made me give my 200% love to her. I only had her for 4 years but that was the best 4 years of my life, that 4 years is our little infinity and forever. She is the best thing I had. Nothing can replace her. And I will always cherish Her. I love her so much.
  11. I feel like my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and it's tearing me apart with it. My 32-year-old son has had a chronic, terminal illness for 14 years. Most patients don't live that long. He refuses to go to a doctor or have any tests or take any medications. He doesn't trust doctors or the medical profession or pharmaceutical corporations. It's hard for me to know how much longer he has to live. He lives with me and his deterioration is clear. He's an adult so I can't make him do what *I* think is best. I'm a single parent. My ex is a deadbeat loser (a lawyer who could make 10 times what I make, but he prefers to life off women and not work at all) who has not been in contact with his son for years. I am my son's sole support and he treats me like ****. I have to take it because what consequences could I use? I'm not going to kick him out of my home! He needs a warm safe place to sleep and nutritious food. Last May my 89-year-old mother (she was 88 then) got a urinary tract infection that led to hallucinations and sudden onset dementia. She cannot live alone and she has lived with me since then. She has aged a decade in the past year. So have I, it feels like. Early last summer I took all of the hateful things she said to me personally. Now I sort of understand that she doesn't really mean it, but sometimes it still hurts. My 11-year-old dog, who was my constant companion, who went everywhere with me, who slept by my bed every night, got sick at the end of February. I had to make the decision to euthanize her on March 13. I had a vet come to my home so she would be calm and peaceful. She hated the vet's office and it made her extremely anxious. My son (mentioned above) decided that she just had a broken paw and if it was set she would be fine (she was dying and suffering and her paw was fine). He refused to be here and stormed out before the vet came. Four of us were here with her, besides the vet, and we all tried to be strong until it was over. Then we all broke down and bawled like little children. Then it was spring break (I'm a teacher) and I had to go to my mom's house to pack, fix things, and try to get it ready for sale. Hard work for someone with chronic back pain. Now I'm teaching again, every day hoping I won't break down into tears in front of my students. I'm just crying all the time, watching my family die. So many people depend on me and I am stretched too thin. Probably I am just feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it. There wasn't a topic for "pet died, mom and son dying" so I started my own.
  12. Yesterday morning my two dogs somehow escaped from our yard. We still can't figure out how they got out. We have very high fences, and have blocked off the bottom of the fence as they have escaped before, so we wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I was home, they NEVER go anywhere when I'm home. Until yesterday. I am 8 months pregnant and was exhausted, so stayed in bed a little longer than usual. As irony would have it, I was looking at videos of my male dog on my phone. Something in me told me to go outside. When I did, the dogs were both gone. I ran around the neighbourhood, with no luck. I got in my car and drove in every street, and asked every person I saw if they'd seen my kids. A few hours went by, and I had a call from my hubby saying that one guy had our little girl- it was a really long way from our place. I went to pick her up, the man had not seen our little boy though but said he would keep an eye out. I continued my search with no luck. A while later, my hubby called and told me he would be home soon, and that I too should head home. When he got home he was bleary eyed, and told me that the same man who had found our girl, had just found our little boy, at the bottom of his pool. My little boy, Jackson, was the light of my life. He and I had a very special bond. He followed me EVERYWHERE. Even from the fridge to the sink, he was always there. He relied on me too look after him. We had a very special connection, and I believe understood eachother. Now he is gone. All the excitement of seeing him with our first born, who I KNEW he was going to love and look after, gone. I am beyond shattered and can't stop crying. I don't know how to calm myself down, but I really need to for the sake of the baby. Right now, our female dog, his soulmate, is snuggling up to me. I'm not sure if she knows, or understands, but she definitely notices his absence. I keep going over and over in my head how scared my little Jackson would have been, how he would have been wondering where I was, and why I wasn't helping him, like I always do. I miss him so much, and everything reminds me of him. His malted fur is on the couch, his food bowl and water bowl are still where they've always been... sorry for TMI, but even going to the toilet now makes me sad- he used to follow me in and sit on my foot, and look up at me with love. I'm just so so devastated. Luckily as I am pregnant i'm not working at the moment, I don't think I could if I had to... I'm just too too sad :'(
  13. 2013 has not been my year. It started going badly in late Spring, when I started experiencing some serious conflict with my partner of 12 years. The reasons are extremely complicated, but the end result was that she stopped spending time on our relationship and gave her energy elsewhere, so we were essentially living in the same house, but not interacting or being loving. Around the same time, my grandfather, who was 94, began a slow decline into death. We were extremely close (I was basically his caretaker for a year), and it was very hard to see a man who was so able-bodied decline the way he did. He died on July 18th, and although it was as peaceful as could be, it felt like I had lost the only person who ever loved me just as I was, with no conditions. Unfortunately, due to the ongoing issues with my partner, I wasn't really able to get the support I needed in grieving, and was again left to process fairly alone. Add onto that some physical health issues (a severe knee sprain/muscle tear that required I use a cane or walker for 2 months, and a 5 year old spinal injury that flared up dramatically), a history of depressive episodes and anxiety (which flared again shortly after the marital problems started), a high stress job, and a 17 month old baby boy, and you can imagine that I already wasn't in a good place. Then, on Sept 18, the universe decided to give me way more than I could handle. I was away on business, and received a call from a veterinary hospital in my town. He told me that there had been a fire at my house, that he had found my phone number via my dog's microchip, and that my cat, Pepper, who I'd had ever since I got my first apartment, had died of smoke inhalation. My dog, Ellie, was in critical condition, but they were trying to give her fluids and pain medication. I immediately cancelled the rest of my trip and got in a car to drive to the airport. I called and checked in with the vet several times, and Ellie's condition was improving. They said she was up and walking around, and doing much better than when she was brought in. I called right before my LA to Sacramento flight took off, and he told me her condition was "fair to good". By the time I landed, she had died, from a combination of smoke inhalation damage and burns. Compounding the grief for my beloved animals, our local newspaper made the decision to publish photos of them in their last moments, when they were burned and being treated by firefighters. Despite our requests, they refused to take them down. I will never get that image out of my head. As for the fire, it gutted our house and destroyed 95% of our belongings. The things we could salvage were mostly in the garage, so i have plenty of tools, but no housewares, kitchen things, clothing, etc. That evening, I took a shower (we were staying with friends) and had to borrow clothes to wear to bed. The fire started outside while neither of us were home, and the cause is still "undetermined after investigation". We will never know what caused it, only that something sparked, hit our eaves, ignited the attic, then hit a gas line and blew dramatically. It will likely be a year or more before we are back in it. We are currently in a rental house, with rental furniture, and while it's fine, it just doesn't feel like home. My current problem is that I need support. My wife is also going through the same grieving process, and she still is focusing a lot of her energy elsewhere, so she has essentially notified me that she can't support me, hold me while I cry, etc. She believes, at a very deep level, that the amount of grief I'm experiencing or the way I am grieving (I probably average 45 min to an hour of crying a day, while being totally functional, working full time, helping take care of a 17 month old etc), is wrong and excessive. I do have a pair of very close friends, but their reaction seems to be much the same..."I can't deal with you crying, come back when you're not upset anymore and we can hang out". This, of course, compounds the sadness, because now I'm not just grieving, I'm lonely. It feels like all of the foundations on which I built my life have disappeared all at once...the security of my marriage, my grandfather, my home, and my wonderful animal family members, who would always listen to me cry if no one else was willing. Does anyone have any outside sources of support that they use? I am feeling extremely alone, and I'd love to make friends here to talk through this's hard not to have anyone I can talk to that will take the time to listen. Thank you for reading (this was a novel) and I look forward to meeting you soon.