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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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About Me

Found 5 results

  1. Introduction

    Hello, Everyone. I guess it would be good to introduce myself. My second oldest son, Cameron, died in March 1992 when a dresser in his room fell on top of him. He was supposed to be taking a nap, but apparently he was trying to reach something on top of the dresser. It was the most horrible thing I've ever gone through and the most intense, deep, and long-lasting pain I've ever experienced. My wife and I went from planning for pre-school and day care to planning a funeral, picking a burial plot, and picking a headstone overnight. I would never, ever wish that kind of thing on anyone!! It took a great deal of time and effort to heal. I am not in the process of the raw pain and grief that so many of you are in, but I can honestly say that I have a very good idea of what you are going through. If a person hasn't gone through it, there is no way they can possible understand it. There is simply no reference point you can relate to unless you have been there. Events like his birthday and Christmases and such have gotten a lot easier, but they can still be rather tender when I remember him. He would be 27 years old if he were still alive. I can honestly say that there is never a day that I don't think about him after all these years. I can also honestly say that it took me a long time to work through all of this and now I lead a happy, normal life and that I carry this grief rather than it carry me. It took a lot of time and work to get to that point. I hope that I can be a voice of comfort to those of us whose grief is still raw and very deep and I can offer a perspective that there is hope, even if it seems very dim or even non-existent at this point. I attached a photo taken of Cameron the day before he died. His aunt Crystal and his older brother, Eric, are in the background. I love you, Cam!
  2. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  3. Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and really hope there's someone who can relate to my story. My father passed away 15 years ago from a car accident. I was 12 at the time. Since then, my mother has never moved on. As a child I remember I was scared she would date a new man and I was happy that it never happened. But now, 15 years later, I swear I wish she would. She seems stuck in life and doesn't find joy in anything. She doesn't work and as a result has not much to do and serious financial problems. Her children (I am the oldest) are worried sick about her, so much that it's controlling our lives. We have tried to confront her, told her she needs to start doing SOMETHING - go out, walk, work out, anything. But it doesn't seem to help. She has very few people in her life besides her cat - last year our dog died and since then she barely leaves the house. Before she'd walk the dog at least, now all she does is visit the grocery store every now and then. Also, she drinks a lot. We confronted her about this last year because she drank alcohol at 10 in the morning and since then she stopped doing that. She was never drunk or did anything dangerous, but she drank way too much wine. I think all her problems (financial, social) are related to my father's death. I don't think she's ever really dealt with it. She lives alone now - all her children have moved out, so she spends a lot of time on her own. Perhaps that's why it's suddenly hitting her hard. When we were young she had a parttime job, she had some friends, a social life. Now there's nothing and nobody left. We, as her kids, feel responsible but she's so stubborn. She won't accept outside help and I just don't know what to do. It's so sad to visit her and hear the same stories over and over again, often related to my dad, and realise she just hasn't moved on. I'm not saying date someone, but try to move on! In a few years I will probably start having my own children and right now I don't see how I could leave her alone with a baby. Beside her mental health, her physical health isn't great either and nobody really knows why. Like I said, it's probably all related, but what can I do? She won't accept help and this is killing me. I must admit - writing it down already helped. Thanks for reading my story.
  4. My mother died about three months ago. I'm still wrestling with the loss, as everyone seems to be of their loved ones on these posts. I think my father, who was devastated by her death, might be looking into finding a companion. I just saw a 'match.com' email pop up on his computer, and he asked me what 'GSOH' stands for later. And he keeps telling me I need to clean out my mothers closet, dispose of her things. To say it never even occurred to me that there might be a new woman potentially coming into my fathers life, even as an casual acquaintance for company, at this time would be an understatement. It is the very last thing I need right now, to be coping with the fear, anxiety, uncertainty and other unwelcome emotions of someone new on the scene. The death of my mother is overwhelming enough. To add to it, to think of having to give emotionally to some stranger, seems just impossible, when my emotional reservoir is overdrawn as it is at present . It's none of my business whatsoever who he chooses to spend his social time with of course, but the idea of having to meet and try and make an effort and establish some kind of good rapport with a woman he brings home, when I still seem to only have the energy to deal with the loss of my mother, seems like too much to ask. And I don't even know if it's happening. At this point its just the fear of it happening, that's bad enough. What may bolster him emotionally would just be a further emotional drain on me, at a time when I don't know if I have the resources to withstand it. And to add to that, the time I have with the one support I do have (him), would be further compromised if he started seeing someone new. The emotional bank balance would be so overdrawn I don't know if I could take it. And nothings even happened yet. They say worry never did anyone any good, but it's hard not too.
  5. Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later. At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did. When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her. My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time. I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died. Ann 'Noreen' Johnson 1957-2014 RIP mum
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