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  1. Hello everyone, I'm new here. I am 32 years old, a wife, and mother of 2. I have a tendency to ramble on so I apologize in advance for what promises to be a long post. My little family has been absolutely shaken by loss in a very short amount of time. In mid October we unexpectedly lost my mother-in-law who lived with us. We were all very close, especially my 9 year old daughter who shared a room with her. It was very hard on my whole family but we felt we were going to push through even though it hurt every day. We were finally settling into a feeling of at least half normalcy by the time the holidays came around this year. We invited my mother to come stay with us and spend Christmas with her grandchildren a few days before Christmas Eve. My mom and I planned our large traditional Christmas Eve meal, talked about all the fun holiday things like what the kids Elf on the Shelf would be doing, making cookies and basically were enjoying our time together as a family. I woke up at 6:30am on Christmas Eve to have my morning coffee and moment of clarity before the kids were up and moving. I peeked in on my mother who was typically up way before me and she was snoring away. The kids woke up around 8:30 excited to see what their Elf was up to and my husband was moseying around. I turned to him and said "Wow, mom is really sleeping. She must be comfortable. She might not even be breathing" honestly just meaning it as a joke but she wasn't. He took a look at her and told me to send the kids to their room and we called 911. I did CPR on her, the EMTs did CPR and other procedures and got her heart to start back up 3 times between my home and the hospital. By that night it was determined that she had been without oxygen too long, her blood pressure was very low on 3 medications to keep it up, and she was on a breathing machine. At about 4am Christmas Day we got the phone call that she had passed away at 56 years old. This has been the absolute shock of my life. I am an only child and my parents were divorced 20 years ago. It's been her and me for as long as I could remember. I'm handling grief a lot differently than I though I would. I had 2 actual breakdowns, Christmas Eve when the ambulance left and also at the hospital. There have been moments of my day since then where I'm doing things and cry for maybe a minute. The entire planning process of her funeral service and at the actual service, I kept telling my husband that I felt like everyone was waiting for me to cry...and maybe that's why I didn't? I'm really not sure but I know everyone grieves in their own way. My heart hurts and I am broken inside, but I feel like I'm all cried out and can't do it anymore. That's half of why I'm here...I don't care about being normal but I don't want to seem like a "cold" person. I'm torn apart but I know I have these 2 amazing kids I have to be strong for...and I also feel like maybe there have been so many other parts of life that have broken me already that maybe I'm used to emotional pain. I don't know if that even makes sense. The other reason I'm here is because I'm having some issues with family after her passing. I love them all very much and know they love me, this is not the problem. I find myself avoiding talking to most of them right now. I feel like I need SPACE. I have talked to my grandmother several times and everything she wants to talk about is things that I need to DO instead of just checking with how I am. For this reason I've mostly been avoiding her. I know that sounds awful but I wouldn't answer the phone for most people on a normal day before all of this because of anxiety and depression. When I talk to her, it's always her telling me to run to my mom's house 30 minutes away to do something, or go to the post office in my mom's town to check her PO box, or coming to her house that's almost an hour away. After all the loss my family has gone through we are financially burdened...it has come down to the last few dollars to our name going on food and gas for my husband to get to work. We are on the verge of being evicted if we don't have our rent together in a week. I feel awful to tell her that I can't do these things but I honestly just can't afford to constantly be running around everywhere right now. So for this reason I've been just blocking her out even though I know it's wrong. I hate to have to tell her the financial situation we're in I think because I'm not a person who like to admit what feels like defeat and failure. It's tearing me apart because I know I should be calling her, but I don't know how to handle any of it right now so I just shut down. I know I have a lot of responsibility in taking care of my mother's home and getting it cleaned out and ready to sell but I feel like it isn't going anywhere and right now I just need to be the most present person for my kids and husband and keep pushing us to get things together. I'm overwhelmed by stress, grief, anxiety, depression, and trying to appease everyone around me. If people ask me how I am, I just say that my soul and spirit are tired. Anyway, I don't know if anyone can relate to anything I've said, or maybe I'm just losing it through all of this. No one teaches you how to cope, and no one could possibly teach or tell you how to act or feel when these things happen. I'm going forward with this the only way I know how whether it's right or wrong. I would love it if anyone had any insight to anything I'm feeling, to maybe help me feel like I'm not crazy or a bad person, or even to tell me I am. I'm struggling with my feelings and the way I'm handling things every day.
  2. Last November I came back to my dorm room to find my sweet little boy Pudge in some serious distress. He was yowling, his back legs lost circulation, he couldn't move, and he was so so scared. I immediately started crying because I knew he was going to die, and despite my pleading with him not to as I drove to the vet, he did just that. The doctor told me that he was in a lot of pain, his heart was weak, he had a blood clot in a major artery, and there was nothing to be done. I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever made and I'll never forget the way he looked at me as he went. His little head was resting in my hand as I cried. He looked at me as if to say it was okay, and it was his time to go. As his eyes finally closed, and his breathing stopped, it felt as though the whole world went silent. Pudge was the sweetest little boy in the entire world and I loved him with all of my heart. I am a college student living with Major Depression and a General Anxiety Disorder. In the Fall of 2016, I decided to bring my cat to school with me as an emotional support animal and it was the best decision I've ever made. I am an RA and I live alone, so it was perfect. He helped me sleep, or calm down during a panic attack. He was there for me and loved me unconditionally. He was an older cat, 14 at the time of his death, and he LOVED attention. I would look forward to coming home every day because he would be there waiting for me. We spent hours doing homework, cuddling, watching Netflix and YouTube videos, and taking naps. You name it! He was the sweetest cat I've ever known. He never hissed at, scratched, or bit me. Many of my friends and residents commented on how close we were. He really was like a son to me. He lived a happy and beautiful life with me, and now he's gone. I just... I thought we had more time to be together. I thought he would be there for my graduation. We were going to make Christmas cards, I bought him a little sombrero to throw him a quinceñera this year, etc. I don't know what to do without him. I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ugly white box they put his ashes in. Sometimes I start crying and I hold it wishing that he were there. I need to find an urn for him but they're all so expensive, and I'm on a college student budget. I miss him, I miss everything about him. Even the way he would cry to be held at night, the way he would rub against my face when I was sleeping and he wanted attention, or how he would walk all over my laptop and disrupt my work. Now I have no one to hold, to cuddle with or kiss on the cheek. My room is silent, empty, lifeless. I could barely open the door to my room and spend five minutes in there after it happened. Now it's more bearable but I still feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I go home. I recently went to my actual home for Winter Break. I used to cry every day, but the entire week before I went home I only teared up a little. When I packed my car and put all of his stuff in it... the litter box, the food bowl, his toys, his treats... it was all too much. I broke down crying. Now I cry every night, despite my best efforts. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss because of my loss. I realize that getting better and moving on isn't a straight line. I'll have setbacks, take one step forward and three steps back, etc. But I feel like I'm grieving INCORRECTLY or something. He was my best friend, my little son, my love bug. We were co-dependent. He wasn't just a cat, he was my family. Now he's gone.
  3. Grief & Anxiety affecting my thoughts.

    My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  4. My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  5. My oldest sister passed away

    My oldest sister passed away 10 months ago from cancer & the effects of chemotherapy. My whole family is struggling, & so am I. Of course, we pray, as we are Christians. Has anyone joined a group for grief support (not online, in person)? I have been unable to join one yet due to social anxiety & depression. Nearly everyone seems to have forgotten that we are living with this terrible loss. It is so hard, living without our precious sister & second mother. I am glad she isn't suffering terribly anymore, because she really suffered tremendously. I just miss her so much! I feel guilty for yelling at her a few times when I was trying to help care for her, though I was very stressed & exhausted. I should never have yelled at my wonderful sister, who was so sick. I am angry at myself, honestly mad sometimes at God for letting her die, & possibly angry at my sister for not getting to the doctor sooner. Thank you to any who have gone to group therapy for grief support who can tell me if it has helped. May God bless & comfort all on here!
  6. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  7. Today is the one month anniversary of my mom's death and I do not want to go through it. I can no longer look at the 21st of every month, the same. I dread each 21st, especially since it is right after her birthday on the 20th of December. I had severe chest pains for two weeks but it went away for one week. Since yesterday, it came back and I feel that it is because of what today is. Trying to eat a healthy diet doesn't help the pain. I don't want the pain to continue but I can't help but feel depressed, so my body just goes ahead with the pain. How can I get through today without losing my mind? I'm in another city so I can't really hang out with friends, plus my socializing level feels pretty low today. Whether it's driving around, walking on the beach or at a park, any activity pretty much triggers me and I get depressed from thinking about my mother and how we used to do those things together. Knowing I can't do it with her anymore, hurts even worse.
  8. It has been two weeks since my mother's funeral. My depression got worse when my aunt went back home in another state yesterday because I'm scared something similar will happen and she won't get to attend my college graduation in 3 years either. When I try to do normal activities such as getting my hair done, I think about when my mother would drop me off and how well she knew my hair stylist. When I go grocery shopping, I think of how my mother would show me how to tie the plastic bags with fruits in them. When I go looking for clothes, I remember how my mother would say she's not buying me more than one top we are looking for, but she still ends up buying me more things. When driving, I think of our many talks on the road and how unlike myself, she was calm when some fool did something on the road like cut her off with no warning. I also notice how words on tv or spoken by people such as: mother, mom, Mother's Day, blood, died, death, cancer, leukemia, funeral, casket, and even sorry...trigger my depression quickly and I start thinking of my mom in pain at the hospital or how I will never see her again. As well as how different she looked in the casket. This happens even when the topic is not directed to me. Nobody will ever love me as much as my mother, and now she can't anymore and she will never know how much I appreciated her.
  9. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  10. To anyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time to do so. It's getting on towards 12:30 AM now, and yesterday (Monday) was one of the bad days. I never know when the bad days will occur, only that it is inevitable that they will. When they do life seems pointless and death welcome. It isn't that I want to die mind you, just that I want the pain to stop. Most of the time I'm able to keep my emotions at a distance, only experience life mentally, but eventually they always get to me in the end. Mum died approximately thirteen months ago. For the first six months or so I appeared to be coping quite well, but then something 'snapped' inside me, and I've never been truly okay since. Now I go out only when I have to, for things such as work and shopping, the rest of the time I stay home. Just the thought of going out overwhelms me. I teach - not children, adults - and it has been one source of salvation for me. When I am teaching I can forget about everything, even on those bad days - though it's touch and go whether I'll make it out the door, and admittedly there have been a few times when I didn't. When I'm in the classroom nothing else matters. But within minutes of the students leaving, well, the shadows crowd in again. Writing is my other salvation, something that for some reason I find far more helpful than talking, hence this post. I've been thinking for a few months now about joining a grief forum, tonight I felt so strongly the need to reach out, to be heard by someone who can truly understand, that I finally went ahead and did exactly that. So here I am, and my question is "Am I suffering from complicated grief?" It has been over a year and yet when I do allow myself to think about mum the pain is as fresh as if she died today. I cannot bear to remember being by her hospital bed when it happened, I find it too devastating. So I fight the thoughts, push them away, and most days I succeed. But if I happen to come across a photograph, or even paperwork related to my mother, over the next few hours emotions begin pushing their way to surface, and eventually they overwhelm me. Then I lose control, and end up weeping uncontrollably, desperately wanting her back, if only for day, just one more chance to tell her how much I love her. Not that mum was easy to love, believe me she wasn't. One moment mum could be quite reasonable, nice even, but in the time it took her to walk to another room and return her mood could change dramatically. It has been suggested by a few mental health professionals that there is a high possibility that she had an undiagnosed mental illness, for example something such as bipolar disorder. There's no way of knowing for sure, but as you may imagine childhood was a nightmare to say the least. Nonetheless, I loved her - and do still love her - and when she could no longer live alone, I became her main carer. As one psychologist I saw pointed out, I ended up having my abuser live with me. But what else was I to do? I would never have survived the guilt of having her go into a home. In effect, I chose the lesser of two evils, which in hindsight actually turned out to be the right choice after all. This was because, in her final months, it was as if only the good mother had survived, that poisonous part of her seemed to be the first to go. Which of course made it all the harder when she did die, double edged sword really. Some nights I do not sleep. It will be 5am, even as late as around 9am, before I can finally can. I've been prescribed Stilnox - don't worry, I have experienced none of the negative side effects - and that is water off a duck's back on those nights. Other nights I do sleep, sometimes as much as 10 or 12 hours, but I know that still I'm suffering the effects of sleep deprivation. Last night, for example, it took me about 10 or 15 minutes to figure out why I couldn't do up the zip of the inner waterproof lining of my motorcycle jacket; finally realized it was inside out. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh about things like this - I hope so - but right now it just makes me feel so very weary. On bad days I think about taking my own life, which right now is making me cry. I really do not want to die, but the pain of continuing to live on at times like this seems far too much to bear. Life itself, it seems pointless, empty. What I have come to realize is that when my mother died I lost the center of my life. She had become my purpose for living and now I cannot seem to find a new one. Regarding killing myself, I do not want to cause concern. I'm not in imminent danger. I am doing my best to keep going. But I would be lying if I wrote it was still the absolute impossibility that I once considered it to be. In the past few months my thinking has shifted towards it being something I can contemplate actually doing. The possibility seems far more real than it has previously, which to be frank I do find frightening. However, I'm not there yet. And if I do ever get to the point of actually putting things in place to do it, I have promised one of my closest friends that I will contact him and give him the chance to talk me out of it. Shortly after my mother died I was contacted by a grief counsellor. We met a number of times and I have great respect for her, I think she is very good at what she does. But neither her, nor the psychologist, were able to help me. In the end, the psychologist I simply couldn't afford to keep seeing. As for the grief counsellor, there was a week when I just wasn't able to face talking about mum, so I postponed the session. I haven't been able to bring myself to start them again. Even though it is now almost 3am, I know that if I go to bed I won't be able to sleep, but I think I have written more than enough. Thank you again for reading this. It means a lot to know that this will be read by those who can truly understand what I'm struggling with, as well as the fact that you won't tell me to get over it and get on with it, as some have done. I'm not looking for anyone to make me feel better, I just needed to reach out to someone, and it has been of some comfort doing so. Take care, David.
  11. Hello, this is my first post here ( but I have posted on other forums before) . About 18 months ago, I found out my Dad had a rare form of Lukaemia ( 1 case every 4 years). He spent his first week in hospital in ICU. The consultant didn't think he'd survive the first night. But he did,...he was then moved to the cancer ward and has treatment for nearly 6 months ( give or take a week or two). He was given the all clear and was allowed home. A few weeks later, they found that the cancer had hidden at the base of the skull, and they started treatment again. He was given the all clear again, but then we were given the news. The cancer had hidden again, but there was nothing they could do. We spent the last few days of him at home by going on trips to make memories. He was admitted to hospital 4 days before he died. I spent my birthday sitting beside him on his bed. My whole family came up and we all celebrated it in the room. He died 2 days later, on the 27th of April. I remember being told to leave the room and then the nurse coming to me outside. Telling me he passed. I felt numb. That's the best way to describe it. Since then, I feel like life is pointless. I can't cry, even if I want to...my body won't let me. I hide all my emotions, because I don't want to worry other people, or annoy them. I have been to 5 therapy sessions,over the year, and I hated every single minute of it. Every night, I lie awake in bed. It's like there's a war going on in my head...between the thoughts that tell me I'd be better of dead. That my family would be better off without me here. And the one thought that says I have loads to live for. If you were to ask anybody, they would say I'm doing well. I'm not. I'm far from well. I hide it all from everyone. It's only when I go to bed at night I listen to the thoughts...but there always there. I feel alone. I want to lie in bed all day, but I force myself to get up and go to school. I used to be smart. But now I'm not able to do much work without getting frustrated and end up getting bad grades. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas what I should do next?? I know I need help. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I don't think I know anyone I trust enough to tell them. I just realised ho much I rambled on there...sorry. Any replies are much appreciated, Jack
  12. Loss of my boy cat

    2 years ago on July 2nd, 2015 an angel came into my life. I had had cats my entire life but this one was unlike any I'd ever known. I rescued him from a horrible situation-he had a broken leg and was scarily malnourished. He was under a month old. I raised money to pay for his surgery on his leg, I nursed him back to health, and I took him back East with me for my senior year of college. He was my best friend. In college I was depressed, lonely, isolated, and angry. But he was there with me through it all, helping to make my life easier. I got him another kitty to spend his days with, and she loved him as much as I did. They were my children, my angels, my best friends, and best friends to each other. They spent 9 months with me in college, and then moved back home with me when I graduated. Everyone loved him, though. She was a sweet kitty, but he was special. I named him Lumière, because he was the light of my life. We live in a coyote populated territory. But they loved the outdoors more than anything. I didn't want to deprive them of a life they enjoyed. So I allowed them access to the outside world, and they had the most amazing life. She's still with me, but she's not the same. We're both trying to cope. He went missing exactly a month ago. I can't cope. I feel guilty every second. I feel like a part of me is gone. I haven't talked to anyone about this because people judge it being a pet, but even typing this I feel a little better. I'm not a good mother, I should never have let him outside. He was too slow, too friendly, too domestic. I should've been smarter. I can't deal with this pain. I will never feel whole again.
  13. Mum died 2 years go when i was 12

    So, despite my spelling and display name I am 14, my mom died of a 2 year battle with cancer- and I still feel lonely and lost without her. Those two years were extremely hard, firstly, my mom was diagnosed with cancer after being sick frequently and we had to cancel all our holidays but after around 1-2 years she got the all clear which I definitely took for granted. It was then a thursday afternoon when I got back from school with my long term best friend that she told me she only had 6 months left. I cried all night and the next day too. After around 3 months, she had surgery that failed and she was paralysed which she would cry about (she was depressed at this time). She didn't feel herself. She said she felt ugly. She was very smart too, and she said she felt as if the old her had gone. She couldn't do things with us anymore and I'd felt angry and sad and upset the whole time, there'd be times where I would collapse and not be able to breathe because I couldn't physically comprehend what was about to happen. I went to a netball match on Wednesday 12th November, and when I got back my grandma told me she was gone. I didn't cry the whole night. Me, my brother and my sister whom are both older than me all sat in the living room not really talking and I was awkwardly finding and saving pictures of nice houses as possibly a coping mechanism? I don't know. Before this, I'd fell into depression. I was self-harming, and not for attention in fact I hid it. I never talk about this, but it was the one time. After my dad noticed I explained it was because of the pain I was going through, after he forced me to talk to my mom in the hospice she was crying and felt guilty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never talk or speak or live. After her death, I was okay. But I still have anxiety and depression disorder (GAD or the down side of Bipolar, without the mania). Year 7 was horrible, I was shy. Year 8 was gruel as I was trying to be pretty and seem normal. I have always felt ashamed of the way I look, and it was only recently my grandma and I were talking about my mom. She said she went through exactly what I did in terms of social situations, no one but my dad knows of my issue, no one (my brother does pick on me for being mentally unstable). Anyways, a couple years on and I still feel lonely and ugly. I still wish she was here so she could help me, she knows what I was going through and I just sometimes sit in bed and wonder who cares about me? Who actually do I have? My family fell apart after her death. My brother drinks and does drugs as well as being emotionally abusive to all of us, like I said with the comments, and is constantly breaking this family. My sister and I never get on. My dad is upset and moody and has a girlfriend who I like, but never spends time with us. I don't know, the sadness I've come to know and almost love. It's warming to be alone and not to have anyone, apart from my two stray cats. (I know, I'm a loner). I just don't know how long this will last. Will I ever get over her death? The memories and anger always come back, and the thought of her being so afraid before she died makes me want to too. Any comments or help will be much appreciated. - Bea.
  14. Hi I was dx w/ALS in 2012. Then in 2014, after my first heart attack I was dx with CHF. About 6 months or so ago I was dx w/afib. From what I have read when a pt who has CHF & an ef < 35 (mine is about 15) the pt surviving more than a year is grim. But I have been told a few times now that I didn't have much longer & I'm still here. They are just going off of statistics & everyone is different so they really don't know, they are just guessing; But now is different. I'm tired & much weakerr & on most days I think that I would welcome death sooner than later. But I'm not sure if that's how I feel or just depression. Actually I'm not sure it matters. Does any1 else ever feel like this.
  15. Had to say goodbye to Gracie

    Thursday January 19th I had to say goodbye to my best friend Gracie. She was much more than a pet dog. She was a friend, a family member and a constant bright spot in our lives. She was a Schnauzer Spaniel mix and lived to be 8yrs old. Her health was fading and we spent many trips to the vet to get her well. She was scheduled to have surgery on the 19th to have lumps removed near her lymph nodes. They postponed the surgery because of swelling in her throat and decided it was too risky. We were going to bring her back home that evening and wait for a better time. My Wife went to pick her up I stayed home. After an hour I received the 2nd worst phone call I've ever had, the first being the loss of my Mother. My wife called to say that we had to put Gracie to sleep because surgery would be too risky & she was suffering. She said I didn't have to be there if I didn't want to. I raced as fast as I could to be with my baby & see her one last time as hard as it was, I would've always regretted it if I didn't go. She was lying peaceful in a room sedated with pain meds. The Vet was very patient, giving us time with Gracie even though it was after hours. I hope that Gracie knew we were there for her & how much we Love her. We were stroking her and telling her we Loved her as the Vet put her to rest. She faded off to sleep and she was gone.The Vet was kind enough to give us a clay mold of her paw print at no charge, we also kept a clipping of her fur. I knew it was going to be painful, I've experienced loss many times, parents, relatives and pets. Losing Gracie is hurting in a way I didn't expect, I see her everywhere and as crazy as it sounds it's like I can feel her still here. I've never had that kind of Love for a pet, she was special. I fell for her the first time I held her. Everyone that met her liked her, I couldn't find a fault in her if I tried. She had so much Love. I will miss her so much. Thank you for giving me a place to express how I'm feeling. It's comforting to know I'm not alone and I feel for all of you that have experienced the same. James K
  16. It's been over a year since my dad put a gun to his head and sprayed his brains all over the house that I grew up in. I wasn't there when it happened, but just knowing that it happened that way haunts me constantly. My father had survived cancer, and fought with that for most of my life, so I thought he could survive anything. I never knew how sad he was, and now that I have been slapped in the face with it, I can't shake this terrible feeling. I feel like I wasn't a good enough daughter to him. Like i failed him because i thought he was stronger than he was. Like most little girls, I grew up idolizing my dad. Thinking of him as a super hero. A rock. An unstoppable force who was going to be by my side and in my life forever. But that was not the case. He left me in a blood-stained memory, and all I can do is think about him. Everything comes back to that phone call I got saying he was gone. There are so many days where I feel all I can do is cry and think about every moment I ever spent with him. Some days I'm just bitter and pissed off about everything and I want to punch everyone in the face who's having a better time than I am. I think about his death constantly. I dream about it. And I have become so dependent on substances to fade away the reality of everything, when I try not to drink or smoke, I end up feeling everything 100 times stronger. I just want to be numb. I want to stop feeling all of this. I feel too much at once, and I just hate how much this event has taken over my life. I loved my dad more than anything. He was always the one I could talk to when things weren't going well, or the first person I'd want to call when everything was going great! I have no one now, or at least it feels that way. I am not the same person I was before his suicide, and the people who love me might not love this new me. They might only love the old me, and she's never coming back. it was two weeks before my 25th birthday when it happened. Everything near his death date is tainted. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't want any of it anymore, because it will never be the same. All I ever wanted was for my father to see me succeed. And I'll never get that chance. He died knowing I was a loser. He died knowing I hadn't become anyone yet. That I hadn't done anything with my life. Well, I'm doing something now. At least, I'm trying. I'm trying to get my art out there. I'm trying to get my life in order. I've quit smoking for over 5 months now (and I want to break down every minute of every day and smoke, but I'm staying strong). He'll never get to see the woman I'm becoming. It tears me up inside when I realize everything he's missing. And then I just start to get angry, because there are so many times when I've wanted to give up on everything. But I haven't. I'm still here. I'm still here fighting with my own pain, and now on top of it, I'm fighting with his, too. It's so much weight for one set of shoulders to carry, but I'm doing my damnedest.
  17. How Do I Get Past the Guilt?

    My beloved cat, Starbuck, died on Monday, January 16th. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week prior, and the vets at his care center gave him his first chemo treatment the day after diagnosis. Starbuck's full story can be found here : Starbuck's GoFundMe Page (we are no longer seeking donations). Long story short (unless you followed the link), Starbuck got better, then worse, then a little better, then even worse, and through it all, the doctors continued to give me hope, saying things like, "If we can just get him over this hump, the chemo can do its work", and "If we can just get food in him for a few days, he'll be much more stable." I just wanted my kitty to live a little longer, and it seemed like a real possibility, the way they explained it, and all the research I did online seemed to support what they were saying. But after we'd spent $6000 on blood transfusions and a feeding tube and meds and oxygen and ultrasounds and centesis and hospitalization, we ran out of money. The vet called me Monday morning to check in, and let me know Starbuck was doing about the same. I informed him that we had to bring Starbuck home at this point, because we were flat broke. He said he'd write up some detailed instructions for home care. My dog died in November of 2016, we'd had to have her euthanized at this same veterinary facility. The cost was $900. My four children and I got Starbuck home around 1pm. He was MUCH worse off than I'd been led to believe. He was pitiful, and it was obvious he did not have long. My kids were seeing this first hand, and with the exception of one holdout, we agreed that Starbuck needed to be put to sleep, as a kindness. The one holdout, my oldest son, was fully on board with euthanasia by the time of Starbuck's death, which was at 2:30. Until the last minute, he'd still had hope we might find some more money, or that one more dose of medicine might help, or maybe if we waited long enough, Starbuck would improve. He was grasping for any straw out there, he wanted his kitty to live, and I love him for it. Unfortunately, we never had time to act on the euthanasia plan, even though I had found someone to come to our home and do it, at a price my parents were willing to pay, due to our current financial situation. I had read up on ways to comfort a sick and dying cat, and we'd prepared our home in every way we possibly could. He had a cozy bed and blankets in a warm, quiet, draft-free part of the house. His water dish and litter box were right at hand. We had quiet nature sounds playing, and soft, indirect lighting for him to see by. There was room for all of us to gather around him and pet him. We had tried to see to Starbuck's every comfort, and between the five of us, we were ready to provide round the clock care. It wasn't enough. His ending was awful. We were all there, petting him, telling him we loved him, saying that it was okay to stop fighting and let go. He gasped his last breath surrounded by loved ones, but it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't dignified, and I wished to god I'd had enough time to arrange a better ending for him. He was such a good kitty, he was so sweet and gentle and funny, he was so LOVED, and he didn't deserve to die like that, to spend his last moments on earth in distress and pain. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind, and it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. How do I get past this? I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everything I see reminds me of Starbuck. I'm a useless person while I'm consumed with this much grief and guilt, and I want to get better. What do I do?
  18. I'm Emily, a 17 year old girl that had lost her dad at the age of 7. I remember all his love, all the good memories or fishing, of holidays, of my parents. When he died I was only 7 and my little brother 4, he doesn't remember our dad, but I do vividly. My dad died of a heart attack and had suffered brain damage. I said my good byes but never had closer, he didn't remember us, he didn't remember his own daughter. Since the age of 7 I've been bullied, in and out of therapy and suffer from depression, anxiety, trust issues and abandonment issues. I can't seem to cope with my dads death, I've never been able to get out of the mind set that I want to die, that I hate myself and I hate the world. Good took my dad from me, I understood that he must have his reasons, but my life, my mentality is going down the drain and I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. So I'm reaching out to maybe make sense of how I'm feeling before it's to late.
  19. Apologies everyone, but this is going to be a long one. I think trigger warnings apply for kind of suicidal thoughts and the like just to warn you. I don't know if any of you guys can help but feel like I need to vent to people who are going through scenarios similar to mine, rather than my therapist (who is a lovely person but she can't really help me other than agreeing with me). Bit of background info, so basically my mother died this year, it was a huge shock and it happened very quickly and was awful for all of my family, I hadn't seen my mom in a while and wasn't there when she died, so I now have a huge case of guilt, that I wasn't there, that I hadn't been there with her during her last weeks. We all made a promise that we would not have secrets between each other, that we would always talk about how we were feeling and such. Now this is gonna sound awful but, I'm a bit of a snoop, always have been, but for good reason, my Dad can be stupid with money, my Mom always asked me to hack into his emails and wotnot for her because she was always worried that he was doing silly things with money. I just continued this after she passed, purely out of worry, big mistake, I found that within the weeks following my mothers death (even before we had buried her) my father had signed up to a few dating sites, at first I was shocked and angry, I wanted to confront him about it and punch him for disrespecting my Mother when she wasn't even in the ground yet, I kinda figured he'd tell me, he didn't, he did keep bringing up that "there is no such thing as too soon" which made me sick, because a few weeks after your wife dying having not buried her yet in my opinion is waaaaay too soon!! Anyway, after I cooled off, I decided not to confront him about it, brushed off any conversation he tried to have with me about potentially dating people, I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about those things. I figured he was worried for his future or what the dating world was like now or something, so I dropped it, forgot about it, didn't forgive but I figured I did some stupid stuff following my mothers death which made signing up to a dating site seem tame, death makes you loose your head a bit. I stopped checking his mail, I figured I learnt my lesson. Fast forward a few weeks ago, my dad announces that he's going on holiday with a friend, good for him I think, its a female friend, er okay, its fine I have loads of male friends I would go on holiday with, it's okay, he says, we have separate rooms and all that. This lady is an acquaintance who also lost her husband, a few years ago,so she kinda knew what we were going through, she had come round a bit when we were all at rock bottom still, I never really talked to her, I don't really talk to people much anyway but now, barely. Dad tells me not to tell my Mom's family, could give the wrong impression he said, this led me to lie to my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, said he was on holiday with some of his mates, which in hindsight I didn't actually feel comfortable doing and I was angry that he kinda forced me to do that. He also booked the holiday during the only week that I could see him in a while, he said he forgot but I had told him this weeks and weeks prior and wrote it on the calendar for him. At this point and for a few weeks I had started to become suspicious of this woman he was taking on holiday, I talked it over with a few friends and they kind of all thought it was a bit odd and, I in turn thought it was too, so my anger and suspicion started getting the better of me. He kept me updated on his trip, phoned me once, I was distant and vague on purpose because I wanted for him to know I was angry at him, a bit nasty but I wasn't having a good time of it at that point, it almost seemed that everyone else was moving on but that I was stuck on the day after my mom died (my sibling had also announced that they were seeing someone too, no one really contacted me, none of my Mom's friends or relatives really seemed to care all that much, I often get forgotten about, in sympathy cards and such, mainly because I'm a bit weird and people find me hard to talk to). I went home, my dad was still on holiday so I called a few friends and went for drinks and such so I wasn't alone all the time, I went to visit my mothers grave, I drank (I've kinda developed a major drinking problem over the past few months). My dad texted me saying that he and the woman were going to see my sibling and that I had to be dressed because he would bring her to see me too, that made me angry, I wasn't going to get dressed up for someone I barely knew, this is my house I can be dressed however I please. Then I stumbled across my Dad's laptop, it was hidden, I was a bit intrigued, I hadn't read my Dad's emails since the incident, but the suspicion that was on my shoulders got the better of me and I know how horrific this sounds but in my frame of mind at this point it felt important that I did this. So I got in. My God I wish I hadn't. There were emails that I wont go into detail about, he had without a doubt been seeing this woman. I was so angry, I wanted to throw the laptop across the room, I wanted to smash plates and windows, I wanted to scream and shout at someone (either my dad or the woman) but I couldn't, so instead I took a bottle of vodka and went out in the pouring rain and sat by my mom's grave for hours and hours, just crying a screaming at no one, thinking about killing this woman, pouring my heart out to my mom, I figured that if everyone can move on as fast as that with someone like my mom who was the greatest person ever and the kindest and most loving, then no one would miss me, a loner, a weirdo, a basketcase. I headed for the river, I figured the cold might kill me, I realized I'd been thinking about things like this for months, but that this was the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. As I walked toward the river someone stopped me and asked what was wrong, I broke down with this poor person, in the rain, she called one of my friends who lived in town and stayed with me until she picked me up, I then went to my friends house and poured my heart out to her wanting to avoid going home and potentially seeing the woman, fearing I might do something drastic if I did. I ended up at home very late and very drunk, my dad was still awake, I was too angry to talk to him really but I forced myself, told him about sitting at mums grave, about drinking, about how I was feeling, while completely avoiding the subject of the woman. He kept bringing her up, I kept shooting it down, I didn't want to talk about it, he kept talking about how she "gets it" I just said I don't care, how she's invited us over for Christmas lunch, shot it down, Christmas is going to be horrible enough without my Mom but if I have to spent it at the house of that woman, I can't promise I wont stab her with the carving knife. I thought my dad would realize that I knew or was at least suspicious and would "own up" but he didn't. The next day I tried a different tactic I kept bringing things up like internet dating, that I had been on a few dates with people, stuff like that, silently pleading at him to own up, he didn't. So then I changed my tune completely, he started talking about how soon is too soon to "move on" so I asked him outright, are you seeing this woman? He said no. He has lied to me and I don't think I can forgive him. He broke the promise we made. I'm at rock bottom again, the same as I was after my mom died, I am getting help with my therapy, but I still feel awful, I hide it well, say I'm okay when I'm not, its easier to do that, people go weird when they find out you're suicidal. I don't know what to do? I don't want to confront my Dad about this, I love him dearly, but he has an issue with nothing being his fault, he'll try and put it on me, I know it. Should I confront the woman? I feel if I saw her I'd say something awful or threatening or I might hurt her, I really don't want to do that and I understand what she went through was not nice either, but no matter how much my Dad says that she gets it, she has had more time, a few years to decide that this is okay, my dad has had a few months, I cant help thinking that whether she knows it or not, she is using my dad and taking advantage of him and even if he admits it and all that, I cant help thinking that this will end badly for all concerned. I understand my Dad is feeling lonely and that he is trying to fill this void my mom has left, but I truly think that it is too soon for him, he has not has not had enough time too figure this out properly, if you spoke to him you would understand, he is not that old either so he can afford to have a few years of figuring stuff out before he decides his future. Other than this entire situation, I think I would probably react the same way no matter how many years had past I'd be the first to admit that, that is how I know I'm being at least a bit rational. But it's more the fact that he is lying to me that is the hurtful part, he has lied to my face, and when (or if) he owns up to seeing this woman I will tell him that I knew all along and that I am not a child (even though it sounds as if I am being childish) and that lying to both me, my sibling, my moms family and his own parents is the worst thing he could have done to me and that I will never forgive him for it. I know that sounds awful or petty but it's the truth, I will still love him because he is my dad and I care about him loads but this is unforgivable in my eyes (I also understand that he is lying to me because he thinks he is "protecting me" but the worst thing that will ever happen to me has happened, there's not much he can protect me from anymore). Sorry for the long and bitter post, I just needed to get it off my chest. Has anyone else been through anything similar? (P.s since this all happened I had yet another moment when I got back home, wherein I got to a bridge in my town and stood for a long time thinking about whether or not I should jump off, thankfully a kind drunk guy convinced me not to, I wish I could thank these strangers but never got their names) no incidents for a few weeks now, my therapy is helping.
  20. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago and opted for natural treatments (diet change, ect.). It was barely detectable by imaging so it wasn't too concerning years ago and after the initial scare our lives resumed to normal shortly. I moved about an hour away and began pursuing my dream of becoming a paramedic. After finishing medic school and getting ready to start clinicals in the ER my dad calls me and say something her back had been hurting...he kept telling me to come see her but nothing prepared me for her condition. The once barely detectable cancer cells had grown into a massive tumor and my mom was almost unrecognizable. Five days later she passed away and I was barely able to have a conversation with her. I put school on hold and moved back home for a little while but it's been 6 months and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't understand why this is still so hard for me...I started clinicals and working in the er and seeing people die everyday is harder than I thought and some days I just can't bring myself to go. I really care about him but he doesn't understand how hard it is to see people suffer after what I went through with my mom and I feel depressed and withdrawn a lot. Some days are really good and I'm able to spend time with him and enjoy my life but other times the grief hits me all at once and I feel like no one else understands...most of the time he just tells me that I need to find a way to deal with it and not let it affect me but I just can't. Idk if it's because he's a guy or because his mom died when he was younger and he's found a way to deal with it but it just feels like he's dismissing how I feel and doesn't truly understand. Has anyone else experienced this or have advice???
  21. I'm 25 and my dad passed away unexpectedly from complications due to a heart attack. It happened a few weeks after my birthday. He was in the hospital on life support for two weeks, but there was no hope for him so we had to let him go. He died in June, and everything has gone downhill since. My sister fought with me and told me I didn't care enough, then came over to my house and attacked me in the middle of the night and cussed me out telling me it's not my house, it's hers, and I contribute nothing. I left my job for a few months so I could be there for my mom who is not coping well. She has to take several pills daily to numb herself and she has not once been here for me, she has borderline personality disorder and regularly yells at me over mundane things. This whole time everyone has given me the blame for everything, for some reason I am the punching bag of the family. I was coping somewhat well until having relationship issues and restarting my job (I am also in a fast paced school program). I have suffered severe anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, night terrors, and hallucinations at night. I also have digestive issues and feel terrible 24/7. I can't tell anyone this because nobody cares. My mom is the only one allowed to feel pain I guess. Everybody I try to talk to tells me I either need pills or therapy because it's "not normal". I've recently given up my therapist because he was definitely not a match for me. I feel life isn't worth living and I have nothing to look forward to without my dad. And I'm trapped in a house with someone who is emotionally abusive and demands constant attention. I just want someone's input on this situation??? Thanks.
  22. Hi everyone, Not sure how to begin but I'll try to keep it short. I was very close to my dad, saw him every day and lived at home. He died suddenly of cancer, he was diagnosed and then died within a few days. It was horrific. From when he died I haven't had a sex drive. That was almost 2 years ago. Prior to his death I was extremely sexual. 3 months after my dad passed I started a relationship and until this day I've never felt how I did sexually. There's only what I can describe as a block. When I do make an effort with my partner it can take forever to orgasm and sometimes I even feel numb. I don't feel half of what I used to. I used to have such a high sex drive and think of sex daily. Now I don't think of it even once. Having sex is a chore. The odd thing is that I dream of sex a lot and in those dreams I have the familiar feelings I used to have every day. And the moment I wake up from the dream the feeling immediately vanishes and I'm me again. I have suffered from depression and been on medication for a few years or more, but prior to my dads death the tablets didn't affect me sexually at all. I think I have to stop complaining that it's the medication as I have tried 3 other antidepressants and been to my GP. Someone suggested trying counselling and I probably should but what I'm curious about is whether losing my dad has been the cause of what I'm feeling? If so why? And how is something like that overcome?? I feel so hopeless and low because to go from one extreme to another is very hard!
  23. It's been just over two years now since my dad passed away and it hurts the same everyday that goes by, the pain doesn't get any easier and little things I see related to him just remind me of him so much and absolutely kills me inside. The biggest regret I have which burns me inside was that the last night before he passed away he waited up for me till 4am but I didn't come home till 6am because I had a stupid argument with my friend and after coming home I didn't kiss him good night as I used to then at 8am all I heard was my sister screaming that he wouldn't wake up and when I ran downstairs there he was asleep straight up on the sofa. He passed away a week and a half after my 20th birthday and I find it so hard to move on, I still get flashbacks of doing chest compressions on him, the ambulance responder using the electric machine which made my dad's body jump in the air, it all still haunts me and when I sit in that room I can picture my dad infront of me. The bubbly, happy man who always made me happy and never said no to me is no longer here and I always feel like it'd my fault for not being a better son and providing him with the pride he deserveed such as me getting my first job, passing my driving. I did all this after he passed away and it eats at me that he raised me for 20 years and just as I was getting to the point of being able to show him his hard work wasn't in vein and now he left me. Life doesn't feel the same anymore but I try my best to be there for my mum and younger sister. :’(
  24. My wife's brother-in-law was recently killed in action overseas, leaving behind his wife and two-year-old son. They have moved in with us, coming from a base in a different state. My wife's sister is having a terrible time coping with her husband's death (she is very young), and she is suffering from crippling depression for which she is seeing a psychiatrist and a grief counsellor. Unfortunately her illness is making it hard for her to give her little boy all the care and attention he needs at this traumatic time. Because of the foreign deployment, my nephew didn't know his father well or spend much time with him: Dad was home around the birth, for about four months, and then back for a short leave that ended three months before his death. Still I know my nephew feels the void in his life, and he is also very aware of his mother's suffering. She is doing her very best to care for him, but she is very ill herself at the moment, and can only do so much. My wife is a huge support for her, but there's not much I can do except step up with the household stuff. However, I really want to do what I can to help my nephew, who's also grieving. I've taken a leave of absence so there's always someone home to care for him when his mother can't cope (my wife was unable to take time herself). I've been focusing on playing with him, reading, crayons, trips to the park, lots of cuddles and singing, but I don't know what else to do. I know it is best to keep from disrupting a toddler's routine at such a time, and we have been trying to keep it as consistent as we can. This isn't easy with the change of environment, as I'm sure you can imagine, but we're doing our best. I was wondering what else folks can suggest as far as ways to help him. My nephew is such a sweet little boy, and I want him to have a rich and supportive childhood. He's very physically affectionate, and we are trying to encourage that as much as we can. My children (first marriage) are away at college, and I'm honestly out of practice in toddler care. My wife can't have babies of her own, so her last real experience with little ones was when her sister was small. Has anyone been through the same kind of loss with a two-year-old? I'd be grateful for any advice or stories to help. I don't want to take the place of his father, but I'd love to be a positive male presence in his life.
  25. Hi, I'm Kristen and I am 20 years old and I have been suffering with depression ever since the loss of my father and it is consuming my life. I lost my father two years ago from stage 4 lung cancer. I still remember perfectly as my mother walked down the driveway with tears in her eyes.. She didn't have to say anything I had already knew by the look on her face it was cancer, something I have feared my whole life. I instantly dropped to the ground and started bawling my eyes out, it was a horrible day. You see when I was a child (and to this day) death has always been terrifying to me. The thought of losing my parents was something I could simply not deal with. I would even lay in bed late at night hoping that my parents had their air bags turned on, and on numerous occasions I would lay in bed crying worried that something had happened to my father because he was an hour late coming home from his usual 11pm shift (I would stay up until I heard him come home). As you can see, this was constantly on my mind as a child. I would always tell them how I never wanted them to die and they were constantly reassuring me that they would be around for a long time. I took this very seriously, it was something that I had strongly believed in. For a while I stopped worrying, nothing could touch us, we're invinscible. These things happen to other people, not me. In 2012 at the age of 17, I was horribly mistaken..My father had been diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to his brain. The image of sitting on the bed in the hospital room crying on my fathers shoulder while the doctor told me and my family we only have 4-6 months of time left with him is forever burned in my head. My father was a smoker and that was always something that bothered me. I always had a feeling that my father was not going to be around when I got older, that he would not see me graduate, wed, or start a family. I have always felt a very deep connection with my father and I had often felt we were one in the same. 4 months before being diagnosed I cried to my boyfriend about how my father was going to die of lung cancer, I KNEW he would. My father had been showing NO signs of illness at this point in time, I could just feel it. Everyone thought I was crazy and again reassured me that everything was going to be OKAY and my father will be fine and live a long healthy life. I'm not sure why I experienced this as a child but it was something that I constantly felt deep inside. One week ago while sitting and chatting with my mom, she revealed to me that my father had always felt the same. He would always tell her when I was a baby that he feared he wouldn't be there to see me grow up, it was something that he had also worried about. This goes to show you just how connected a father and daughter can be, true love at its finest. Anyways now that you know a bit of my back story let me move on to how the loss has impacted my life. Against the odds my father was able to survive an entire year with almost full cognitive function 9 months in (a true blessing). After new years, our wonderful year was over. Things steadily went downhill and I knew that this was going to be the end. He passed away at 11pm on March 5th 2013 and I will never, ever forget the moments watching him take his last breathe..watching him lay there like he was just sleeping and nothing was wrong. Ever since he passed away my perception on life has been completely distorted, what I see now is a life of hoplessness that ends in death. Everything I do now revolves around thinking about death. When I am in a happy situation I think about how these people are probably going to die soon, or what if that person got hit by a car tomorrow, I look for death in everything. I am constantly worried about myself getting cancer, and I am slowly becoming a hypochondriac if i'm not already one. I'm angry.. all the time. I hate life but I don't.. I would never kill myself, that is something I would never do to my family. Hurting myself is a different story. Since my father passed away Ive gotten so overwhelmed that I had actually thrown myself down a 12 foot later, twice. I also purposely threw myself down a flight of stairs at my school as well... my logic being that I would rather be hurt and in a hospital than dealing with what was going on in my life. It has now been a year since I've done something drastic like that.. I see it as progress but my mind is still in a horrible state. This morning my fathers hat was on the speaker in the livingroom and it instantly brought tears to my eyes..I wore in and layed in bed bawling my eyes out for an hour until I was able to calm down. Seeing photos of him brings instant sadness upon me. If I see someone in public that looks like him, I have a feeling of almost wanting to hold them and have them hug me so I could pretend. I think about everyday how I wish I could see him just one more time. What gets to me is that alot of the memories I have of him, are when he was sick and unwell. I have feelings of regret for not paying more attention and taking in more when I was around him, and making more memories. I have dreams that he had come back from the dead and its all a mis understanding. So tell me... have you felt like this and how did you get over it. My bond with my father was so deep that my life has literally been flipped upside down since his death, I've become a morbid, negative, miserable person. How can two years have passed and yet a single thought of him makes me cry, it's a horrible feeling that I have never experienced before ( It was my first death). I feel I have coped so negatively (excessive use of marijuana, alcohol, painkillers) I was never this person before. I was a happy teenage girl who kept up her good grades. I still am able to study nursing after taking a year off after throwing myself down the ladder.. but my motivation is gone, I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Do you ever ask yourself what is the point? We are all going to die. Everything around us dies. My father was such a huge loss that I hoenstly feel like the loss of my Mother would kill me. Please help me, these thoughts are consuming my life and I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole.