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Found 11 results

  1. Don't really know where to start this is my first time online I'm feeling really overwhelmed I lost my mum and husband in September 2016 thought I was coping but the last few weeks have been awful Everyone says it will get bettter but I feel I'm unraveling Really panicked and shaking fearful of everything I just want to feel there are others here who can understand I really feel the pain in your posts and do understand My best wishes to you all. Looking for any ideas of support or how to get through this feeling
  2. I hope you have a nice day
  3. Hello everyone, It has been about a year now since I posted on here, however after identifying all those needing help like I did I wanted to share my grief blog with you all. Last year not only did it reach people around the world, but the response I had was really meaningful and just showed me how much it helped others. So I want to help you. Here is the link below https://believement.wordpress.com All my love xxxx
  4. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  5. On Friday it was a year since my beautiful mam passed away. Friday night I drank, Saturday night I drank, got drunk and last night I went out to my cousins 30th birthday surprise party and got absolutely gee eyed. I was so drunk. Today I am perfect I'm not hung over and plan to do it all again tonight. Once my son is looked after and we talk him trick or treating and he has his bath etc then we'll go out. Anyway, I got a telling off for talking about how I feel. I got told that I don't ask anyone how they are and I do. I always ask. All I want is people to be there for me not to judge me and everybody does. I need to be admitted because I can't deal with this anymore. Apparently I'm selfish. I know I am. No one has any idea how hard this is for me. I'm constantly trying to be there for everyone and then bring told if I break down to get over it. I just want to be with my mam why won't anyone just let me do that.
  6. Felt the need to share my story here. I got a yesterday morning from one of my sisters that my mom had passed only one day after being placed in hospice. She hid her lung cancer diagnosis really well. She knew wouldn't make it through surgery so she chose to live her last year with us by her side. My mom was one in a billion. She raised eight of us. Everyone ahe met fell in love with her amazing personality. Fierce, fiery, little woman she was. She was married to my dad for 52 years. We are handling it really bad. She only made it through three rounds of chemo and we were given false hope. She smoked since she was extremely young but we only learned she had stage 3b lung cancer days before her passing. The night she was taken out in an ambulance I knew she wouldnt return home. I remember earlier that night its like she also knew she was going to smoke her last cigarette. For at least two months she would take two drags and go back to bed, but that night she somehow made it out to the porch to smoke an entire cigarette. I will never understand the awful addiction. I watched her lose weight rapidly where she was down to only 60 pounds. The woman who had more energy than me in her prime. After I got the call I ran to the hospital so I wouldnt feel guilty about not being there when it happened. I wanted to be alone with her, hold her hand and tell her everything. Out of temporary insanity I took a blade to cut my wrist. I just feel overwhelmed with grief. My Lifelong best friend is now gone. I cant even eat anything. I dont wanna get out of my bed and face these next few days. I am extremely worried about my dad and our future. I have alot of family but no friends. Social anxiety was the reason. So many things running through my head. So unexpected! I want my mom! I can never be happy again without her guidance and support. I need people to talk to. I need friends that understand my heartwrenching pain. How do I go on? I lost the rock to my roll and the heart to my soul!!!
  7. depression for the loss of dogs

    August 26 2014 I lost my dog 'King' and then January 24 2015 I lost my other dog 'Brandy' who is also kings mother. I've been devastated since 'King' died but now 'Brandy' died too. My world is shattered I dont want to live anymore. Im so lost I miss my dogs everyday. Im on antidepressants to try to help with my suffering but it helpt at first but that time has past the shock of never seeing my dogs again hurts even more. I know alot of people think im mad going crazy over dogs but they was my life. I was single didn't have a girl friend so I pretty much spent alot of my time with friends and my dogs. Now im both dogs are gone and im lonely and im not sure how to live now
  8. I ran into my mom's room thinking she was still alive after a dream, only to see her side of the bed empty. Its raining now n I love the rain but.. It keeps bringing back awful memories. And on top of all that, I lost motivation to eat and I haven't gotten anymore than 4 hours of sleep. I feel so sad. I want my mom back. I keep having visions of the final time I looked into her eyes. They were filled with so much pain and misery. I guess its a rough time since its breast cancer awareness month and that's what my mom had. She was only 40 and it makes me very upset. I feel so angry and sad and I don't have anywhere to channel my emotions.
  9. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry at night... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it went on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help..because I am not strong.. I am weak... I feel like I will never be happy... I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  10. There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this: When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it goes on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help.. I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...
  11. i only have one voicemail to you:

    i only have one voicemail from you that i had to get my sister to send to me, i didn't save any of our voicemails...i always deleted them. i wish i would have saved them now. is there any way i can somehow get my deleted voicemails back at all?...i don't even know. i miss your voice so damn much...it makes me just so sad to know that i won't hear it again. i miss you matthew oh my god. i swear i am so lost without you. i seriously don't know how to carry on without you. you were always my stronger half and im now more weaker than ever.
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