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HauntedFromTheGrave posted a topic in Difficult Backgrounds: Making Grief WorseMy situation is very very difficult and it would take writing a book to get it all out so that people could understand. I will try to condense. At one time I was very close to my mother who died in October, but I had to walk away when she became very sick and started blaming me, making me her caregiver when I have a chronic illness myself. She was hostile for years, but at the end, it was out of control and it was making me sick. She would never ask my older brother for help, stating that he had a family. Nevermind that I am disabled and have a handicapped placard. When I was a child I knew my mom was difficult but just thought it was normal. She yelled at me at age 13 for being sick and coughing and vomiting at the same time. Eventually, I had to go into the hospital and was out of school for 3 months. My mom could not handle anxiety, and any stress. You weren't allowed to go to her about things. I was always called a "sensitive child." "You are too sensitive." At age 39 and her in her late 70's "This story you are telling me is boring." "You are dating someone? Don't tell me about them until you know for sure this will go somewhere. You have dated so many people!" Also, not wanting me to have a boyfriend due to it taking away from....HER. She was the caregiver to my dad who died of cancer and 6 months later in 1989, I became deathly ill with mono and hyperthyroidism. She was there in the beginning, but my illnesses that I developed quickly became too much for her to handle. I was a teenager going into my early 20's and heard how I drained her, how it made sense that my long term boyfriend broke up with me as I was "not the same girl he fell in love with." She was not supportive and then at other times would be. Years later she went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She was not told this, but I was. My mother got tired of the shrink bringing to her attention "her issues" so she stopped going. If I went to a therapist, "Do you talk about me to her or him? What do they say about me?" She became an alcoholic in her 60's. I was blamed for her drinking..."I wouldn't drink if you weren't ill. I wouldn't smoke either." Throughout all of this, I tried so hard to stay in her life and to have her as a mother, as my two siblings were and are so much older and never liked me. I was the baby (12 and 15 year age difference) and I was chronically sick with several AI diseases so they didn't like me, thought I was seeking attention and my brother in particular thought my mother spoiled me. She spoiled me by paying doctor bills. She had the money and even more importantly, my brother was well off and needed nothing (as in none of her money) and this was a constant issue with him in particular. My sister died in 2005 shifting the family dynamic and leaving me totally in charge of anything having to do with her. We shared a joint account and if she went in the hospital, it was almost expected that I was to do and be and so on. After years of this and abuse from her and my brother...I finally totally went into almost a mental nervous breakdown when in 2013, she had AFIb, an aneurysm and emphysema. For a year and a half before, my brother walked away...left me to deal with her solo therefore making me very angry because I was ill myself and then she decided to change the will and leave him hardly anything. She said she was doing this because I was ill and needed the money and he didn't, but why did she wait until age 83 to do this? I have been ill for decades. What happened next was, she almost died, he came after me about the will and she didn't want to tell him the truth. She basically was trying to throw me under the bus. To put it mildly, it was a nightmare of epic proportion. I am tiny, unwell, trying to work part time, my brother is a full on sociopath who went nuts on me. She later apologized but that was it for me. I never felt the same about her. My heart pumped ice for her and I had loved her so much in spite of everything. Having said that, I continued to do and take care of her, her finances, etc. I set up an annuity for her, I took her to the doctors and I remembered......she was not there for me when I was sick. I almost died in a hospital in California when I was 30. I was in ICU and she refused to fly to CA to be with me. I was there by myself. No family, nothing. I had strangers coming to visit. PTSD came in and I became very sick in 2015. I had to have wrist surgery and at the exact same time found out I had thyroid cancer. I decided to walk away from her and the whole family. She had become so abusive, my brother was poisoning her trying to get her to change the will, etc. I was deathly ill from the whole experience. The stress of their toxicity was enough. I had had it and decided to save myself. What a joke. When I tried to go back to her, she screamed at me. Not one family member cared that I had thyroid cancer. "So you have your thyroid removed, big deal." Both my sister and father died of cancer as well at two grandparents and one aunt and cousin. My family is cancer ridden. I stayed away from January 2017 until October of 2017. I was done. Tired of being kicked in the teeth. I let her go, them go and made peace with it to some extent, but honestly felt numb. I was in shock at how little anyone cared about me leaving and the very person who had walked away over and over again..my brother, was smearing my name to the entire family. It was absolute revenge. IF my mother did ask why I walked away and I tried to explain, it would end in her retaliating and screaming so I just said nothing. I had become silent. I had no voice. On my birthday in September, she called me twice. First time she left a message. I had blocked her from calling me. I still could see blocked messages. Never responded. Then, on October 7th, she fell and broke a femur. I was called and the hospital said she wanted me. I told them to call my brother. I had NO idea she broke a femur. A week later...she had a massive heart attack and two days later, died. I was at her bedside. She was unconscious and on a respirator. I never got the chance to say goodbye to a coherent person. I have been ostracized from the family. I was invited to the memorial and funeral but didn't go. I knew that I had been talked about so much that there was no point, plus...I was so confused about how I felt. My friend said to me, "When she was unconscious, you FINALLY got to tell her all that you felt without being interrupted." OMG..YES. Yes, to an incoherent person who's hands were tied to the bed. It was non stop tears for me at the hospital. Sobbing. I am either angry, numb or crying. This Thursday, I have to go and get the possessions that I asked for and that I was given the go to have. I was not allowed to do what I wanted the most. I wanted to go into her apartment right after her death. My asshole brother would not allow it for fear that I would steal something. My mother had very little valuables. I just wanted to sit in her place and smell her clothes. Nope. That was back in October. Nope. Didn't happen. My point is, I feel broken. I want to feel again. Feel joy. This was my first Christmas without her. Only one family member sent a card. No one else was in touch. I could care less about the immediate family. The extended, that's what hurts me. The whole thing is one big insane mess. I slept all day on Christmas Eve and Christmas I cried once and then made myself a good meal. I spent it alone out of choice. I was the one who for years had been there for her. No one else, just me. I did everything with her, for her, etc. She once exclaimed, "no one ever loved me as much as you." The irony. I am the one who walked away, stayed away and didn't come back until it was too late. I am suffering beyond belief. I have a good therapist, but honestly, nothing can really take away the pain. Heroine, maybe? Never done that drug, don't want to...but I would love to feel some sort of peace and happiness. It's only been 2 months. It feels like so long ago due to the fact that so much has happened. When I go over there this Thursday and Friday for the first time in 14 months, I will completely lose it. I hate this. I hate how this ended, how she left me, how the family has treated me and this was NEVER how I saw my mom exiting my life. I always thought I would be the one. The one there to the bitter end, by her bedside, wiping her brow. I walked away from all of that. I was the executor, POA, I walked away from it all to be free. I alleviated some stress, but not really. The stress that came in was realizing that I was not truly loved. I was just a person who only mattered as long as I was doing and taking care of everyone else. As soon as I decided to take care of myself, I was insignificant. I know that deep down my mother loved me. She had dementia at the end, but it was like her narcissism came out in full force in old age. To peace. Maybe one day. Wish me luck with getting her possessions. I want to hide them and not deal with them. No choice.