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About Me

Found 73 results

  1. Shattered

    I was 4 years old when my grandparents went to the US, I grew up without them. Although, along the years they would come back for vacations for a couple of months at a time. I don't remember much of their visits then, I guess I was too young to really appreciate. When they would come home, it would be with my cousins and as a kid all I wanted was to hang out with my age group. Last December I was told they would be coming to live with us for good! I was ecstatic! Finally I would have a grandma of their stories. My joy was short-lived though. Less than a week home my grandma fell ill, pneumonia. I work in a hospital but at that moment I was on a break. I took care of my grandma in the hospital for more than a week and all those time I was completely terrified. When we went home my grandma asked me to not go back to work yet and so I didn't. It was a wonderful excuse to spend more time with her, to make up for the 18 years of my life without her. We had blissful months together until the 2nd week of April 2017. It was then that my world crashed. We found out she had advanced liver cirrhosis. I have so much fear for this killer. I lost my dad to it 10 years ago. And I was not ready to lose my grandma, I lost my closest aunt 5 years ago to cancer and my wound still has not healed. From April to June, we were in the hospital for 4 times, none less than two weeks. I took care of her again, gladly. I could not rest unless I was the one with her, in the hospital or at home. Her last hospital stay was on June 27 to July 4. It was I who talked her into it as she didn't want it anymore. She just wanted to stay home. As a medical professional and being scared to lose her, I just couldn't watch at home. In the end she agreed. I felt so relieved and guilty. Guilt cause I caused her pain. I told her how sorry I am to have not listened to her, because she was a wonderful person she said she doesn't blame me and I was not being selfish but I still blame myself. During that hospital stay she developed the sinister, the thief condition hepatic encephalopathy. She slipped into a stupor and I could hardly wake her. I prayed to God not to take her yet, to just wake her for a moment so I can talk to her one last time. God heard me and gave me more than I asked for. She recovered enough to wake and call out my name at 2am to tell me she loved me. I was so relieved she had awoken. From there she slip in and out of consciousness and call my name. On July 11th she slipped from my grasp beyond to a place I could not ever reach her again. I was so shocked, for just the night before we were just exchanging stories until 5am. When I woke up just before 9am I was not expecting to feel her ice cold hand in mine. That's how we always slept, she on the hospital bed and I on a recliner beside her, our hands holding each other. All I could do was weep until someone found me and tore me away from her. On July 11 my world shattered into pieces. I feel so guilty, I shouldn't have fallen asleep, I should have stayed awake with her but I didn't! I feel regret that I didn't spend every second I could with her while I could. I feel abandoned, unfair that she was taken again from me. I miss her so much and I don't regret that gave up my job for her. I am thankful to have been given the oppurtunity to care for my grandma and I would be willing to do it all again. Until now I cry myself to sleep, tears streaming while writing this, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. Right now I am terrified to step in a hospital again, afraid to work again, scared that I'd break down infront of a patient. My world is still at a standstill and I don't know how to go on and pick up the pieces. I just miss her so much. I feel different cause I think everyone is better but me. I still haven't let go. I sleep with the last piece of clothing she wore and her pillow. How do I return to what was before all these happened?
  2. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  3. I'm only 24. Went to the hospital last month for breathing problems and that's when they told me I have cardiomyopathy. I have 1-2 years left at the most, I haven't done anything with my life. I haven't talked to anyone about it, I don't really have anyone in my life, and I still haven't really cried about it yet. My parents are alive and wealthy but won't admit anything is wrong. We don't have a very good relationship to begin with though. I just don't know how to deal with any of this.
  4. Introduction

    Hello, Everyone. I guess it would be good to introduce myself. My second oldest son, Cameron, died in March 1992 when a dresser in his room fell on top of him. He was supposed to be taking a nap, but apparently he was trying to reach something on top of the dresser. It was the most horrible thing I've ever gone through and the most intense, deep, and long-lasting pain I've ever experienced. My wife and I went from planning for pre-school and day care to planning a funeral, picking a burial plot, and picking a headstone overnight. I would never, ever wish that kind of thing on anyone!! It took a great deal of time and effort to heal. I am not in the process of the raw pain and grief that so many of you are in, but I can honestly say that I have a very good idea of what you are going through. If a person hasn't gone through it, there is no way they can possible understand it. There is simply no reference point you can relate to unless you have been there. Events like his birthday and Christmases and such have gotten a lot easier, but they can still be rather tender when I remember him. He would be 27 years old if he were still alive. I can honestly say that there is never a day that I don't think about him after all these years. I can also honestly say that it took me a long time to work through all of this and now I lead a happy, normal life and that I carry this grief rather than it carry me. It took a lot of time and work to get to that point. I hope that I can be a voice of comfort to those of us whose grief is still raw and very deep and I can offer a perspective that there is hope, even if it seems very dim or even non-existent at this point. I attached a photo taken of Cameron the day before he died. His aunt Crystal and his older brother, Eric, are in the background. I love you, Cam!
  5. Loss of my love

    Hi everyone, My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life. thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.
  6. My Dad died a year ago on my birthday. It was very hard on me, because we were very close and like minded, and I had to take him off of life support. It took 6 months for me to stop spontaneously crying. Yesterday was the one year mark. I feel like my heart has shattered all over again. I'm angry, broken, and lost. I tried to rely on my fiancee, but he has proven to be...unreliable. My mom relies on me for everything now, and I have to be her rock. It feels like the world is caving in around me, and I don't know what to do.
  7. BEREAVEMENT AND RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP FORUM GRENFELL TOWER FAMILIES, RELATIVES AND FRIENDS Please post whatever you need to share (within reason) God bless x
  8. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  9. I still don't know how Todd died. I found him on the floor of our new home. He was the bravest, most gorgeous, strongest person I have ever known. He was a REAL person... a person that understands you when you speak, that knows what to do in hard situations... Someone that is just Real. And it doesn't exist outside of him. I'm so sorry I couldn't get you to the hospital sooner. I wish it was me. You're too young. You were a young soul. I love you. I fell asleep in your arms and you still held onto me while I faced you, cuddled into you and I know you were watching Modern Family over my shoulder. I can't make anything work. I just keep bumping into things. I don't even know where you are! Kristina Montesi2
  10. Missing my old pup, Dante, so much

    Currently having a hard time with the loss of my little Dante. I only had him from September 2012 to this May 4th, 2017, but he had turned 15 this month. I noticed him having labored breathing two weeks ago, sent him in to get checked, was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and tracheal collapse but was shown that his lungs were clear of fluid and was put on bronchial meds to help, there was no indication of heart failure. Then one week later, he woke up gasping for air, I thought I would lose him on the way to the ER, he couldn't be stabilized even on more than double the amount of oxygen, and he was suffering, suddenly had developed fluid in his lungs, and I had to let him go. It was horrible to watch my poor baby go from one day enjoying a slow walk and barking at birds by the door to gasping for a little bit more life. He wagged his tail despite not being able to stand, moments before I let him go with the help of our ER Vet. I'm devastated, my family is devastated. Everyone loved my sweet baby. My mother, my siblings, my grandmother are all broken hearted. This is second to last walk I had with him. After he walked next to the flowers, I carried him home because he was tired, and he rested his head on my shoulders and closed his eyes to snuggle me. I miss him so much. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTmCRX3lleG/?taken-by=lettersatlarge Its just so hard for me because despite the fair prognosis we received at the vet a week before he passed, I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did not have long, I knew somehow it would be this week despite the fact that he appeared okay. I look back and realize he told me he was getting ready to go. Several walks went by where he'd let me carry him the rest of the way and he'd just look around like he was taking it all in, he calmly sat on my lap on the porch and watched the sunset with me, he licked my face several times, something he didn't usually do. He'd lie down next to me at night when it was hardest for him to breathe and I stayed up most nights petting him calmly to let him know I was there. I find myself getting upset at myself for not doing more. As he fell asleep that last time I noticed a dirty spot on his fur and fell apart because I had told myself I would give him a bath the night before, but I was tired and didn't. I'd do anything to give my little jellybean one more warm bath, one more night. A small solace for me is that he somehow managed to sneak a piece of pizza the night before he passed. Despite the fact that he'd had 10 extractions early this February, he went ahead and went for the pizza. I'm glad he got a fun snack outside of his soft food before went, but I wish I'd been able to give him something even better.
  11. Hi all, I'm new to this site, and not entirely sure how it works, but I hope it is a chance to share and learn from others. I'm a 28 year old male working abroad. A few months ago I learned by email that the police had found my mother dead inside our house (we live in the countryside of upstate NY). She had been living alone for several months. She spent her share of her retirement money in a matter of months (she was 59) and no longer had any money to pay for electricity. As the winter months began, with no electricity she was unable to heat the house, and she died of hypothermia. The police found her after a neighbor noticed little activity coming from the house for several weeks. My parents had recently divorced after my mother, who had been on medication for bipolarism/manic depression, suddenly refused to take her medication anymore. From what I understand, life at home became horrible for my father, and he was eventually forced out of the home after my mother made a false claim to the police that he had raped her. She took half of the retirement money and spent it all in a matter of months on installing new lockable windows and barricading the driveway. She also bought new furniture and an expensive lamp. As time went on she refused any help from anyone, and when my parents divorced in August, she was really on her own. The last time I spoke to her was last April, on the phone. She really wanted me to come home for the summer and offered to pick me up. I did not give a clear answer. I was so concerned about her ability to take care of herself, but I was also afraid if what she might do to me if I came home. With so much instability and danger in that situation, I decided to not come home for the summer. That was the last conversation I had with my mother. The last time I saw her was December 1.5 years ago, being driven away by the police to a hospital where she would get examined for rape. I thought a lot about calling her again to check in, but I wanted to distance myself from the crazy family situation. When the electricity got caught off in September, I suppose there would have been no way to contact her, as the phone would not have worked. I overall feel little towards the death of my mother except guilt, sadness for her wasted life, and wonder at the idea that someone who was once breathing and talking is now a pile of ash (her body was cremated). I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I'm repressing feeling, or if I genuinely feel nothing. It's still hard for me to believe that this even happened.
  12. Til death do we part

    I'm starting year two of widowhood. Lonely? Of course. Missing my best friend? Yes. Learning to live without him? Yes. Learning to love life again? Yes. Is my life perfect? No. Am I tired of being told how a widow should act? Yes. Am I tired of the VA screwing up the order for the cremain's plaque? Definitely. My husband's ashes are still sitting at the funeral parlor waiting for the VA so I can bury him. So frustrating. Tired of being asked why I don't keep hubby's ashes in my home? Yes. I find the concept of keeping his ashes in our home totally creepy. And I'm tired of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. I miss my husband every day, but that life is just a memory. I'm redoing our/my bedroom this summer. Re-painting, getting a new smaller bed, etc. My hubby had picked out the paint and all the furniture, as it made him happy. But, I want the room to reflect me now, not what will never be again. I also want to date. I want to love again, but will not ever marry again. I never want to hear, "I'm sorry..." again. I am so lucky to have marvelous step children. I'm a permanent part of their lives. Not everyone is so fortunate. Yes, I'm rambling. I've noticed that I do that quite often nowadays. I guess, I just need to ramble, vent and even receive validation for how I am dealing with being a widow. We are all different. We all survive this trauma in different ways. Am I required to mourn in a more traditional manner? Isn't it enough that I loved my husband?
  13. I don't even know where to start, so I suppose I'll start at the beginning. 16 years ago I was rollerblading on a bike trail... tells ya how long ago this really was right?? As I'm rolling down the trail this beautiful black cat literally crosses my path. She walks out of the woods, and sits down and just stares at me with these big yellow saucer eyes. She meows at me, and it's love at first site. I picked her up and rolled back to my car with her. Let me tell you, roller blading with no arm balance is no easy feat, but I'd do it all over again a million times if it'd bring her back. I wasn't allowed to have pets, and I told myself that I'd take her to the animal shelter in a few days. She ended up with a name right away (Mitsu) and a box of toys that would go along with her, whenever I would get around to taking her there... Well, needless to say 16 years later I'm writing on a forum grieving over her. She was an amazing cat from the start, and she always looked excited with those wide eyes of hers. In all these years together she has watched me make a million mistakes, and rejoice over several great accomplishments. She was by my side without fail, and when ever the hardships of my life would occur, she didn't mind that I got those salty tears caught up in her fur. She just stared at me lovingly and let me pet her and hug her. I used to joke around that moving was a hobby of mine, and although she didn't enjoy it she came right along for every move I've ever made. When the world would spin out of control and everything would change at a rapid pace, she was the one constant. She was always there, loving me, and man I loved her right back. 6 years ago I brought her a furry friend and I didn't know how she'd take it. She'd had a couple other pets join her along the way when I'd had a roommate or boyfriend who'd bring theirs along, and she was never very thrilled about it. She wanted me all to herself. When I brought Zombie home, he was smaller than her which cracked me up. She was only 6 pounds her whole life, and Zombie is all of 4 pounds and shorter than her. He is a Yorkie Chihuahua pound puppy and I'll admit, it took her a short amount of time to love him. But then I'd catch them snuggled up together. When I met my boyfriend she fell in love for the first time. She loved him in the same way that she loved me, and he treated her as if she had always been in his life. We were a happy little family. I'd had her checked out at the vet less than 2 years ago, and he was amazed at how healthy she was for her age. I guess this is why I'm so devastated now. I realize she was getting old but there was just no warning. She was fine last Wednesday before I left for work. She followed me around like normal and even played with her favorite mouse toy. When I got home a few hours later I couldn't find her and I knew something was instantly wrong. I called for her, and she made the most horrific meowing sound that I'd ever heard. I scooped her up and we got her to the ER vet as quickly as we could. They took her from us as soon as we rushed in, and hooked her up to an IV. Thursday morning I called to check on her, and they weren't having much success finding out exactly what was wrong with her. When we went to see her Thursday night I knew we were going to lose her. It took my breath away seeing her nearly lifeless body. The only way I could tell she was alive was by the rise and fall of her breath in her body. She was unresponsive and her eyes seemed to stare at nothing. The vet tech said she had been like that all day. When I talked to the vet earlier in the day, he said she was still feeling dumpy, but I had no idea she was like this. After about an hour us talking to her and petting her, she did headbutt my boyfriend's hand for some more affection. She always did this, and it was very uplifting. I got up to sit down behind her, and she actually got up and turned around to face me. I just pulled her close to me and hugged her and kissed her so many times, as my tears dripped onto her and silently slid onto the blanket she was laying on. I told her how much I loved her and told her that if she was suffering to let go, that we would understand and in time be ok. The vet came in to check on her, and I told him that I didn't want her to suffer and asked if we should euthanize her. He assured me that he was still working on treating her, and he still had some hope that he could get her better if she would hold on for a little longer. It was after midnight, and I told him I'd give him until the next morning. A few hours later we got the call that she had stopped breathing. We went to see her one final time to say goodbye. I know that we were lucky because we got that chance, but it was so sudden, and she died the day before my birthday. Tomorrow it will be a week, and I have not been able to eat, and there is a ragged feeling in my body. I am just destroyed over this and I don't know what to do. I just watched 16 years fade away. I don't feel like talking to anyone I know because they just don't get it. I have been told that this is life, and everyone dies...etc. My boss told me to smile, and that I just needed to get another cat. Smiling is the last thing I feel like doing. Zombie is beside himself, and he keeps going to look for her. I put the blanket that she slept on next to me and he finally stopped and laid down on it. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice? Sorry for the long post, I'd heard that writing about them and their loss would help. So thank you for reading and for any help you can offer.
  14. Hey! Came across your grief support forum and thought I would recommend a great film that helped me in the grieving process. It's film about healing after loss called "Death as Life." It's very inspirational and helpful to me when I was going through a tough time after loosing my Memo. Go here to find out more of where to get it: http://sofiawellman.com/inspirational-products/coping-with-death-film/ Best regards, Jay
  15. Mum died 2 years go when i was 12

    So, despite my spelling and display name I am 14, my mom died of a 2 year battle with cancer- and I still feel lonely and lost without her. Those two years were extremely hard, firstly, my mom was diagnosed with cancer after being sick frequently and we had to cancel all our holidays but after around 1-2 years she got the all clear which I definitely took for granted. It was then a thursday afternoon when I got back from school with my long term best friend that she told me she only had 6 months left. I cried all night and the next day too. After around 3 months, she had surgery that failed and she was paralysed which she would cry about (she was depressed at this time). She didn't feel herself. She said she felt ugly. She was very smart too, and she said she felt as if the old her had gone. She couldn't do things with us anymore and I'd felt angry and sad and upset the whole time, there'd be times where I would collapse and not be able to breathe because I couldn't physically comprehend what was about to happen. I went to a netball match on Wednesday 12th November, and when I got back my grandma told me she was gone. I didn't cry the whole night. Me, my brother and my sister whom are both older than me all sat in the living room not really talking and I was awkwardly finding and saving pictures of nice houses as possibly a coping mechanism? I don't know. Before this, I'd fell into depression. I was self-harming, and not for attention in fact I hid it. I never talk about this, but it was the one time. After my dad noticed I explained it was because of the pain I was going through, after he forced me to talk to my mom in the hospice she was crying and felt guilty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never talk or speak or live. After her death, I was okay. But I still have anxiety and depression disorder (GAD or the down side of Bipolar, without the mania). Year 7 was horrible, I was shy. Year 8 was gruel as I was trying to be pretty and seem normal. I have always felt ashamed of the way I look, and it was only recently my grandma and I were talking about my mom. She said she went through exactly what I did in terms of social situations, no one but my dad knows of my issue, no one (my brother does pick on me for being mentally unstable). Anyways, a couple years on and I still feel lonely and ugly. I still wish she was here so she could help me, she knows what I was going through and I just sometimes sit in bed and wonder who cares about me? Who actually do I have? My family fell apart after her death. My brother drinks and does drugs as well as being emotionally abusive to all of us, like I said with the comments, and is constantly breaking this family. My sister and I never get on. My dad is upset and moody and has a girlfriend who I like, but never spends time with us. I don't know, the sadness I've come to know and almost love. It's warming to be alone and not to have anyone, apart from my two stray cats. (I know, I'm a loner). I just don't know how long this will last. Will I ever get over her death? The memories and anger always come back, and the thought of her being so afraid before she died makes me want to too. Any comments or help will be much appreciated. - Bea.
  16. I imagine I'm not alone in having dreams about a dead loved one. My dad died over 5 years ago and I still have dreams about him. I thought with time they'd go away and they have become less frequent. Every now and then I still get one about him and sometimes they can be really upsetting. How do you deal with dreaming of lost loved ones?
  17. When I was 7 Years old I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer. She had the illness for three years but me and my brother who was only five didn't know. That was her choice, not to tell us but I still remember what happened like it was yesterday. On May 19th, I was in an accident, small one but I broke my finger and I had to go to the Emergency Room. My friend's mum was babysitting me and my friend at my house, my dad was at the hospital with her. He came back home, looking like he had been crying but he brushed it off when I asked. He then took me to a different hospital where they looked at my finger. When I was ready to go to sleep I hear the stairs creak and I know that it's my dad but hope it's my mum because she would still try to be there for me and my brother at events because she wanted a normal life for us. My dad was talking to my little brother and I heard my brother cry, I was scared to get up, brushed it off at first. He then came into my room and said "Mummy has died." I then cried for several hours and sat there and named everything I couldn't do without her. God, I miss her. She would always go the extra mile to help me out, she never failed me. I thought her illness was as bad as a cold because I was so young and didn't even know what happened. I didn't even know what cancer was, my brother didn't even know what death meant he was 5, but his instincts told him. I remember getting cards from everyone at school, people I didn't even know. I feel so numb. I'm on antidepressants now and they help, but I wish I could forget. I also am happy I remember but maybe I wouldn't be this shattered emotionally if I didn't remember. I remember her funeral way too well. We went to a church and then we had her service. Everyone was crying except me, my dad and my brother. At one point my brother started to cry and say "I miss my mummy. When is she coming back from heaven?" Or something along those lines. That broke my heart, and set me off crying for the first time since I cried that night. We were all in shock. At her burial I did the best to distract my brother and my grandma, her mother. That's what I tend to do, I care for others more than myself. I kept a smile on my face the whole funeral, watching my relatives sob. bI wanted to break and I needed her to get out of that casket and hug me and never let me go, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was in denial until the funeral. The 'moving on' part was a big slap in the face. You can't move on, but you have to live your life and that was the worst part for me. I didn't want to let her go. Actually no, the worst part was I didn't get to say goodbye. She left me a note with some of her memories and other details in it and she was so weak but she kept on typing. I won't go into full detail about the note, but included some of her favourite memories we spent. That broke my heart, because I didn't even appreciate them when they happened. I know it could be so much worse, but that's the story of how I lost my mother. I'm still learning to survive with Grief and it's the hardest thing I've ever learnt to cope with. I haven't been to her grave in 6 years, we moved countries after she died and that made it a lot worse. I remember spending everyday for 3 days after school in the hospital with her and her face still haunts me, maybe in a good way. But I watched her slowly die and I don't think I will ever be able to erase that.Thank you for reading this, maybe I will do an update in the future. Rest In Peace Verity. Also, Our family has a history of this type of Cancer so either I'm going to get it or if I have a daughter she will get it. It sometimes skips a generation but either me or her is going to die from it before the age of 60 like the other women in our family, also I do know the chances are small but I'm a teenager and I know that that's a risk I just can't take. I haven;t told my friends but I hate the fact that I can't have kids, I may be getting a test for the gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 so I will maybe do an update then,I know I can still have kids but it's such a high risk. I love kids, I can't take a chance and give her a short life. I wouldn't know the gender but I can't live thinking I've set my daughter up for death. DISCLAIMER: I am not pregnant now and won't be for either a while or never.
  18. Dear all, I´m writing this from Sweden, so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. My beloved Mother died in 2013 and about half a year after her death I began to realize what has happened, and started to feel that I caused her death in a way. This is destroying my life and I don´t know how to live with myself, I cannot accept and move on. Here´s my story: My Mom had suffered from a stroke and got paralysed in 1998. Since then she lived in a nursing home. When she died she had pneumonia which did´t respond very well to the antibiotics they gave her. The nurse came to us one day and said that this is it, we will now focus on palliative care since her body isn´t responding and she also couldn´t take the food or liquid they gave her. This was very hard for me and my brother to accept.She was lying in her bed now but she looked like she normally did, though her breathing was strange sometimes during the nights when I sat by her bedside. The last night she was breathing very fast and deep, but she was alert and totally awake.After a few hours I asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down, and I think she gave her an injection of Morphine and Stesolide ( I don´t know if that name exists in English), I think she may got a little calmer and it took the worst edge of the breathing, but it was still very hard and fast.After 30 minutes or so I rang the bell again and asked the nurse if she could have some more, I don´t understand how I could do that!!! It´s like I didn´t understand the side effects of Morphine, how dangerous it is.The nurse said that Mom could get a little more.When she came with that second injection I saw my Mom ´s panic and she tried to express it to me, but used as I was to take decisions for my Mom all the time ( she couldn´t speak) I thought that is still was alright, if the nurse agreed there must be a reason, and now maybe my Mom could calm down and get some rest ( I still hadn´t accepted that she was going to die, still tried to save her!). And then, God forgive me, I went to bed and left my Mom in the care of the staff:( I was in such denial... Now I punish myself every day with guilt, I have destroyed my Mom´s death and I have destroyed my own life. I tried later to get in contact with the nurse, but she hasn´t respond to my questions on how she could give her more Morphine despite all her knowledge about medications. People talk about guilt, and I know that everyone feels guilty when a parent dies, but in my case I have a true gulit, I did do something that caused my beloved Mom´s death. She might have lived two more days, and we could all have said our goodbyes, my brother wasn´t there that night and I went to bed..this is bringing me down, I don´t know how I can live with this.. Please if there´s anyone out there who has been in the same situation or have some thoughts on this please let me know. Thank You.
  19. How Do I Get Past the Guilt?

    My beloved cat, Starbuck, died on Monday, January 16th. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week prior, and the vets at his care center gave him his first chemo treatment the day after diagnosis. Starbuck's full story can be found here : Starbuck's GoFundMe Page (we are no longer seeking donations). Long story short (unless you followed the link), Starbuck got better, then worse, then a little better, then even worse, and through it all, the doctors continued to give me hope, saying things like, "If we can just get him over this hump, the chemo can do its work", and "If we can just get food in him for a few days, he'll be much more stable." I just wanted my kitty to live a little longer, and it seemed like a real possibility, the way they explained it, and all the research I did online seemed to support what they were saying. But after we'd spent $6000 on blood transfusions and a feeding tube and meds and oxygen and ultrasounds and centesis and hospitalization, we ran out of money. The vet called me Monday morning to check in, and let me know Starbuck was doing about the same. I informed him that we had to bring Starbuck home at this point, because we were flat broke. He said he'd write up some detailed instructions for home care. My dog died in November of 2016, we'd had to have her euthanized at this same veterinary facility. The cost was $900. My four children and I got Starbuck home around 1pm. He was MUCH worse off than I'd been led to believe. He was pitiful, and it was obvious he did not have long. My kids were seeing this first hand, and with the exception of one holdout, we agreed that Starbuck needed to be put to sleep, as a kindness. The one holdout, my oldest son, was fully on board with euthanasia by the time of Starbuck's death, which was at 2:30. Until the last minute, he'd still had hope we might find some more money, or that one more dose of medicine might help, or maybe if we waited long enough, Starbuck would improve. He was grasping for any straw out there, he wanted his kitty to live, and I love him for it. Unfortunately, we never had time to act on the euthanasia plan, even though I had found someone to come to our home and do it, at a price my parents were willing to pay, due to our current financial situation. I had read up on ways to comfort a sick and dying cat, and we'd prepared our home in every way we possibly could. He had a cozy bed and blankets in a warm, quiet, draft-free part of the house. His water dish and litter box were right at hand. We had quiet nature sounds playing, and soft, indirect lighting for him to see by. There was room for all of us to gather around him and pet him. We had tried to see to Starbuck's every comfort, and between the five of us, we were ready to provide round the clock care. It wasn't enough. His ending was awful. We were all there, petting him, telling him we loved him, saying that it was okay to stop fighting and let go. He gasped his last breath surrounded by loved ones, but it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't dignified, and I wished to god I'd had enough time to arrange a better ending for him. He was such a good kitty, he was so sweet and gentle and funny, he was so LOVED, and he didn't deserve to die like that, to spend his last moments on earth in distress and pain. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind, and it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. How do I get past this? I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everything I see reminds me of Starbuck. I'm a useless person while I'm consumed with this much grief and guilt, and I want to get better. What do I do?
  20. Here is my story as it is still relatively fresh in my life, in hopes to find insight from both sides as to how I should continue with my situation. I am a 19 year-old college sophomore and about 3 weeks ago now I was left by my girlfriend after a beautiful two-year relationship. And, yes, it pains me how cliche my situation is. However after some complexities, it becomes more unique. After two years of being together- meeting in high school, both going to college down in LA (she's a grade below me)- her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and soon passed two months after his diagnosis. She's 18 years old. I tried to be as supportive as I could possibly be. I drove 8 hours to be with her while her dad passed. I brought her family closer to mine to give support during their grieving process (invited them to our Thanksgiving). In every way I knew how, I was there for her. It was difficult for me to be with her every second as we went to schools an hour apart. Long distance is no stranger to us, as we maintained our relationship when I was 8 hours away from her in LA for my first year of college. And during the past 4 months we have been both happy maintaining our semi-long distance relationship at different schools. When the holidays came around, I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime to climb Mt.Kilimanjaro for free. I did the trip, but felt incredibly guilty not being with her in support as she went through the first Christmas and New Years without her dad. While I was away, we talked whenever I had internet connection and were both excited to see each other. When I got back, we spent a great few days together before I invited her to come on a vacation with me to Tahoe (in hopes it would both bonding and therapeutic). In the last minute before leaving, she told me she needed to be with her family and couldn't go. When I got back from Tahoe, she sat me down and told me she couldn't continue our relationship anymore because she needed to grieve her dad alone and valued the opportunity to be alone more than the opportunity to continue our relationship. That to me is something that is hard for me to fully understand. It hit me like a train. That night was sleepless and filled with anxiety attacks. I had 8 days before we each drove down to LA again. In my head I thought back to the 6 days prior when we were still together and everything was seemingly great, Only in retrospect do I realize she had been wearing a thick mask to hide her sadness, but I still am lost as to when the love slipped away with it. The dynamics had changed in our relationship after her dad, but my perspective was I was giving her the chance to be sad without me forcing her to be happy. Again, I didn't know how to handle to situation as I have never been there before. For the next 8 days, I spent time with her, cuddling, laughing, wrestling. She made it clear we were still broken up and used this time as a chance to easily transform our relationship into friendship. I saw it differently. I saw the 8 days as a chance to fight for our relationship. She would openly say she was confused, to the point that on night 5 she slept with me. From my perspective, there was hope and I wouldn't accept the idea that the relationship was over. When I tried to confront her about it, she would tell me I needed to forget about her and move on. And of course that’s the last thing I wanted to do. My mind was split between fighting for what we had to rekindle whatever had been lost, or to give her the pace I knew she needed. Still, the entire week I suffered anxiety attacks and cried excessively. In the last days before we parted to school, she became stern with her decision to split up and I truly began to mourn our relationship. On the day of departure, still a wreck, she kissed me goodbye and told me she wanted to stay in contact. My mind was spinning with the never-ending question of “why.” After she had expressed her desire for me, she still kissed me goodbye, told me she cared about me, and went on her way. I texted her on good terms as we each settled into our lives separated in LA, but told her to reach out to me when she wanted to talk. After a few days I never heard anything from her. It was so difficult to see her continue with her life so effortlessly. “Business as usual.” I used social media to see that she was having fun and still in contact with her friends, but I somehow had been cut out of the picture. I still loved her, but it was impossible for me to move on. I was an emotional wreck, lost in our memories and attempting to take my first steps towards recovery. I finally had the courage to call her after a week of silence, knowing that by giving myself a week I would get over the initial blow of emotions I would go through in the first week of separation. It was hard. Like withdrawal from a drug. My chest always carried around an aching pain, while my mind went on autopilot throughout the day. I would take advice and keep myself busy, meeting with friends, getting out of the house. I even picked up running. By the time I called her I thought I could begin to foster a friendship, knowing that giving her space would be the best thing for her. Deep down, I hoped she would turn back and say that she was wrong, but of course she didnt. We made small conversation about how our weeks had been, acting as though we were friends with no history. My mind was ruptured. It hurt that she never reached out to me in our week of silence, but boy was it good to hear her voice now. I quickly realized she didn’t want to get into the relationship. She made it obvious she was over with me, but my mind still hung onto this idea of hope from the kiss, sleeping with me. My mind seeded this idea that she was confused and still in love with me and there was some hope deep down. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to cling on. But at the same time the last thing I wanted to give up on something that was so good. Finally I mustered up the courage to be direct about the situation. I understood she needed space, but was there any way I could be in the picture for that? No. Why did you kiss me goodbye? Closure. I want you to tell me you don’t love me anymore. I don’t love you anymore. We took a few minutes discussing why she felt the way she did in a blunt conversation. In the end she told me she needed space to be independent, not worry the stress of our relationship. But how could you give up on we happiness we had? I expressed my passion for our companionship, how happy we were together. A bad tactic, I know. At the end, I told her that for my sake we shouldn’t talk for several months. A peppy “OK. I understand.” Today I find myself in a situation where I know the healthiest thing to do would be letting her go and moving on completely to enjoy my time here in college. However it’s difficult to ignore the potential our relationship our had and the incredibly unique experiences we shared at such as milestone in our lives. My head has moments of clarity where I see the future as a single person, where I can develop myself, be with other people. But I am constantly reminded of the amazing memories we share and still not entirely understanding why it had to end with me out of the picture. My heart is suffocating from the anxiety and withdrawal of having a best friend. Where I need guidance is to assess where I stand in her life and how much should I be part of that. All I want to do is talk to her everyday and support her in such a difficult time in her life. The irony is before I didn’t know how to support her because I had never gone through any major grief in my life, and now that she’s left me, I see through her mask and can recognize the pain she must be in. I have several anxiety attacks each day, almost a month after she left me, each one inspired by a rabbit hole of thought as I think about how she is fine without me. I am reminded constantly of our past and am intimidated about the future. I’ve been told to support her from afar, but how do I do that without hurting myself? If I don’t talk with her will she drift too far and I then lose all hope of us getting too far? I want to give her space, but keep me in the picture as support. Should I fight or fall back? How do I cope with the anxiety? If anybody has lost a parent, what has been their experience with their relationships? What is it that she needs and is there anyway I can be in her picture? I know I am 19 and the story sound like the classic first loves drama. But the pain that I am going through gets harder every day as I think about her drifting. TL;DR My girlfriend left me after the passing of her father for reasons pertaining to her needing space to grieve. She fell out of love with my, however gave me strong signals of hope after we had broken up. After confronting the hope and beginning my first steps into acceptance, I am lost on truly understanding why she left me and how I should best allow the situation to play out to foster the potential for getting back together. The pain is overwhelming and I want to be there to support her but she has kindly told me she needs to be alone. How do I cope? How do I fight? How do I let got? What have been your experiences in relationships when losing your parent?
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  22. new to this

    It was his funeral yesterday - so that means it must be true, its not a prank, or a cruel hoax, or a mistake. My son is dead and that's the truth
  23. I lost my 28 year old younger brother because he accidentally shot himself. I can't say it was a suicide because I knew my brother and I think he did it accidentally. I refuse to understand that he tried to purposely kill himself because he was a twin, he was making plans for his life, he was not in that state of mind based on the last time I saw him. I miss him dearly and I feel like I can't breathe. I was his older sister and I'm feeling this guilt in the core of my soul. Did I miss something? Did he really feel so alone? Could I have been a better sister? I'm heartbroken and I just think of him day and night. How do i cope? How do I continue my own life without feeling so much regret that he is no longer here. Anyone help me please.
  24. I am a 20 year old college student and an only child. I am not close to anyone in my family other then my mother who I lost at 50 years old 3 days after Christmas 2015 to a heart attack. My mom and I were very close. We had our differences but the love was always real. I am having trouble coping and I'm trying not to be sad all the time, but it only works when I'm keeping busy. The point of this topic is I need advice with this situation: I just moved into a friend's house since school is out of the summer. Most of mine and my mothers belonging are in this house and as I was unpacking I found a bag of old papers for my mom. Some of them were bible study notes- this was not a shock- among them were notes from school. But the date was wrong. My mother was born in 1965. This school notes were dates 1992. Four years before I was born, making my mother 26 years old. Too old for high school and I knew she was not a college graduate. Amongst those notes were papers from out states GED department of a scheduled test in 1992 and her test results of a fail. She never told me she didn't graduate high school. And I never asked. I never saw cap and gown or prom pictures. She never talked about it. Well, she talked about high school, just not graduating it. But some how I always assumed she had. I never saw a diploma. I do know that she attended high school. I don't know if she graduated. But the thing that hurts most is knowing that she never told me. And now I feel pressured to keep the secret because she didn't want anyone to know. Especially not me. And I do. And I wish I didn't.
  25. Hi everyone, Not sure how to begin but I'll try to keep it short. I was very close to my dad, saw him every day and lived at home. He died suddenly of cancer, he was diagnosed and then died within a few days. It was horrific. From when he died I haven't had a sex drive. That was almost 2 years ago. Prior to his death I was extremely sexual. 3 months after my dad passed I started a relationship and until this day I've never felt how I did sexually. There's only what I can describe as a block. When I do make an effort with my partner it can take forever to orgasm and sometimes I even feel numb. I don't feel half of what I used to. I used to have such a high sex drive and think of sex daily. Now I don't think of it even once. Having sex is a chore. The odd thing is that I dream of sex a lot and in those dreams I have the familiar feelings I used to have every day. And the moment I wake up from the dream the feeling immediately vanishes and I'm me again. I have suffered from depression and been on medication for a few years or more, but prior to my dads death the tablets didn't affect me sexually at all. I think I have to stop complaining that it's the medication as I have tried 3 other antidepressants and been to my GP. Someone suggested trying counselling and I probably should but what I'm curious about is whether losing my dad has been the cause of what I'm feeling? If so why? And how is something like that overcome?? I feel so hopeless and low because to go from one extreme to another is very hard!
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