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Found 85 results

  1. Why are we here anyway?

    I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..! The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot. The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess, splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling ( Cancer Psychologist from the hospital). I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok! I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway). Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are meaning me! Shudder! Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else. I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone? Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive. God Bless and remember this much. Love never dies. Amen.
  2. Loss of Neighbor

    Hi everyone, I'm fourteen years old and my neighbor died about an hour ago. It was from old age and he was really sick before he passed. I feel really numb at the moment and am not sure what to do. I've known him almost my whole life. I didn't go over and visit him like I should have. I was selfish and stayed at home because I didn't want to see him sick. I really thought that he would live forever, I guess. He'd been sick before and always got better. My mom always went over to go visit, but I didn't like to, so I stayed away. His house was full of dust (his wife died when I was eight and he had mobility issues) and I have bad allergies, so that was one of the reasons I didn't go over. I realize now that it sucked. By the time I realized that he was going to die soon, I wanted to go over and sit by him and let him know that I love him, but my mom didn't want me to go see him as apparently he was really bad and it would have disturbed me. She does have pretty good judgement, though, so I trusted her, even though it made my gut wrench. Anyways, I guess my point is that I have a lot of regrets. I only told him that I loved him once and that was when I was little. He was your stereotypical old guy: kinda brash and grumpy, but lovable. As I'm lying here in bed on my laptop typing this, I don't feel much at all. Obviously, I feel a bit sad, but I honestly feel basically nothing. I never went over there because I wanted to after his wife died, as she was one of the kindest old ladies you could ever meet. I don't know what to do. I go back to school on Tuesday and I'm afraid that I'll start crying in the middle of class. What do I do if this happens? Is it normal that I feel almost nothing? Please help me!
  3. Please help me

    I know I’m going to get so much hate for this and I completely deserve it. I thought I was doing the right thing, please understand this. I had the best dog in the entire world, he had my heart. I rescued him from a home that was going to drown him. I almost had him 3 years but I killed him. I got too busy and it wasn’t fair to him. He loved me so much, and he didn’t want to be around anyone else. I gave him anti freeze. I know it’s wrong I know. I regret it so much. Please one again I thought I was doing the right thing because it wasn’t fair for him. I’d do anything to see him for 5 more minutes. I deserve it, but how do I stop feeling like this? Gods come into my life since and I’ve asked for forgiveness. I’d obviously never do something like this again and I’ll continue to regret it for the rest of My life
  4. I have been reading other people's words listening to them whie they scream out their thoughts, while trying to understand their emotions and fears for several months now, but this will be my first time writing about mine. I didn't know these forums existed. I found them on accident. How I found them and why is what I would Iike to say outloud today. My family was completely jacked up, and broken my whole life. They are out there. I may have seen family only once or just through the years of my childhood but I don't know them now or where they have moved or gone to. But what I did have was AMAZING! I grew up with three of the most amazing people I could ever ask for. My Grandma, my Paps, and my Mom. I was raised by my Grandparents as though I was their own. My Grandma couldn't have children so my mom and uncle (which were biological siblings) were adopted by my grandparents. So when I was born my mamaw had something in her life she had never had before, a little baby. She fell in love with me that very moment. I was hers and she mine. She held me first and never let go. My mom was 24 at the time but was a fucked up lost little girl. Her childhood prior to grandma ND grandpa was something out of a horror film. He biological mom caught on fire one time on purpose and then left for three weeks. They eventually just left them alone at ages 4 and 7. My mom was drunk and did drugs but mainly an acoholic. After 2 years of living at home again she moved out and I stayed. Fine with me is what I said at that time. I lived an amazing life growing up. I had everything I ever wanted. I was spoiled. My mother was in my life but the older I got the less I wanted to see her. I never hated her, I just didn't need her. Everyone's life changed all at once when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in 1997. It was bad too. We fought it everyday, we fought as though it was ripping our souls out. Grandma was the glue that held everything together. It was all a dream to me. She went to surgery to get a 35lb tumor removed from her uterus and the odds of her coming out alive was less than 25 percent. It lasted 6 hours. My grandpa is amazing. I have only seen him cry 2 times in his life that was the very first time the second was when she died. It was real too. He knew the longer she was in surgery the better the chance he would get to see her again. I was 20 years old and at that very moment I got to a man completely in love with a woman. I am so grateful for that moment. She survived it. When she came out of surgery she could have reached and wanted anyone but as I buried my head in the spare hospital bed crying uncontrollably she speaks out " I hear my Cody where is my Cody"? That moment will live with me forever. She told me 3 years later when the cancer came back stronger, I was her favorite person in the whole world. She was my soulmate and I was hers. She passed away on September 13, 2000. I spent the next 8 years of my life in a dark drunk drugged out world. I didn't give a **** about anything. That changed everyone's life. My mother left her jackass husband that beat her. I started to see her become strong. Our relationship is now just starting after 23 years. My mother took care of my paps his last 7 years of his life like champion. I am so proud of her. She was sober, she was momma and I still had my paps. Still to this day I think it's BS that he is not right here with me. He was the strongest man I have ever known. He was such an amazing man. He chose to not only adopt my mother and uncle and raise them but he also chose to do it all again for me. I love him so much. I am so grateful for him and all did for me. To this day he is still doing things for me because of the way he raised me. He died on July 1, 2010. He had just about anything and everything wrong with him. I was so angry with him when he died. I was screaming at him to wake the **** up. I was so mad for so long. That's all he had to do was wake up and it would have been ok. I still don't believe it. He was my best friend and miss him everyday. I can't talk about this one. Wow! Holy **** Wow. There has been many things in my life that has influenced me or changed my thought process but when my mother died, everything I was, everything I ever knew, all went away like it really wasn't ever there. She had liver disease from drinking. Her liver wouldn't function properly so it started shutting down her kidneys and was putting her at high risk of heart failure. I saw my Mother, SHE WAS MY MOTHER, DETERIORATE into nothing. I spent every moment I wasn't at work right there by her side and most days I just stayed there. God damn it. It was horrible. It was so bad. It was the worst time in my entire life and I hope I never have anything to ever compare it to. On August 15th 2017 I had to make a decision to take her off of life support and have hospice take care of her going forward. She died in her home 4 days later on August 19, 2017. I didn't know what was to come after that, but now I do. Mom told Louie, my EX stepfather the asshole that chose to stay home and smoke weed while on FMLA instead of being with his wife while I was paying their mortgage cause he wouldn't work, to make sure I was OK. She was worried this would put me over the deep end Worse than when grandma died. I didn't think that would be possible. Boy was wrong. I am alone. I have no one that loves me unconditionally anymore. I don't have an emergency contact I can write down. There is no one I can have a 2 way conversation with about a childhood memory that may have crossed my mind or something funny that happened at a Christmas dinner, or the smell of the lilac trees that grew under our kitchen windows. After about 3 or 4 months ago i started thinking that I am going to die too soon. I am going hurt myself, just that I am going to die soon too. My life will never be the same. My soul the energy that became me was ripped out of my body leaving me lifeless. To be honest with you I really dont give a **** if I do die. It really doesn't matter to me one bit. I am definitely not scared of it. Started reading these blogs because these feelings that I am having of me dying soon made me think I was going crazy. I needed to hear and see and find out if other people in my situation have the same type of thoughts and feelings. And out of the 200 blogs I read all 200 of them feel said the same thing that I think. That is not coincidence. Losing your entire family is catastrophic, who knows what'll happen tomorrow or the next day and you most certainly are never going to get over it. People that I can't stand are the ones that think they can actually say something to you, like they know what you're going through. Let's just get it straight you have no fucking idea what goes on in my mind and how I feel. You sure as hell are in no position to try to give me advice or say **** like it's all going to get ok, you will see. You have to stop thinking about things, try and put your mind on something else. The say **** like would your mother like you doing what you are right now? Dumb fucking question. My mother would tell me to do whatever the **** it is that I need to do and tell the to mind their own business. You have no idea so why don't you save us both the fucking time and just sit back and smile and get the **** out of my way. It's my life and I know that more than ever now, its a life I have to live now being alone. All I can do now is sit and keep waiting to die.
  5. I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.
  6. Hello everyone, Hi my name is Sanduni from Wadduwa Sri Lanka. I lost my dearest cat on 15th of December 2017 at about 8.55pm. I feel very guilty about his death. Let me share the story with you. Right now my mind is not in its right place and I hope sharing this story will help me. In 2016 Sepetember I found to be exact I rescued this little beautiful kitten who was such a good foodie. I was glad I rescued him because I had no idea where his siblings or mother is. He would have died then unless I rescued him. He was fed always and taken good care. But with my occupation I could not keep up with the VET appointments. Because by the time I get home Vet is not there in the clinic or am just too lazy get to the Vet. I should have not being lazy. He got bitten by another cat (didn't see, I assume because of a wound he had) and fell I'll two months ago. Loss his appetite, his activeness and playfull nature. I didn't know why this is happening and he had fever too. When I took him to the Vet, the Vet said it's a virus which is common in that area and gave some vaccinations and meds to be given orally. Oral treatments were impossible with my little kitty. When he refuse to drink meds I also gave up. I feel so guilty for that. It's my fault that his sickness became worse. In the meantime I went to the Vet again on 2nd of December because he doesn't eat or drink anything. I requested for a blood check and the Vet said vaccination will be enough. She had known it's tick fever but she never mentioned it to me. She just told me to bring him for vaccinations contunuously for gov months as oral medication was impossible with my kitty. And the kitty seemed quite okay after that dose of vaccinations and me not knowing it's tick fever and anything about tick fever, didn't take his condition very seriously. I feel very guilty for I didn't take his condition seriously like I should have. I feel very guilty for not being able to take him to vaccinations when I should have. I wish the Vet explained me what is going on from the beginning so I would have stayed home and taken him to vet or done something or the other. And on 15th he was extremely weak and didn't eat or drink much. He was cold and I again took him to vet. Then she took a blood sample and reports were to come on 16th. But that night he died. I cant stop thinking about him. Sometimes I wish I die soon. I wish to get killed by a vehicle on the road or something. This is so much for to hold. Always question the VET about the slightest thing and every fever every sickness is equally important to be treated and negligence can cause a lot of pain like what am going through now. That's the lesson I learnt. I hope my Kitty Cat will have a great life in the next life. And I hope this will never happen to any other cat and a Cat owner.
  7. On February 13, at 11:30 at night, I heard my husband kick back in his recliner. I headed for bed. I got up at 3, to make his breakfast and make sure he got off to work on time. He was still sleeping, which was unusual, but I went ahead and made his breakfast and when I carried it into the living room, he was still sleeping. I set his breakfast on the TV tray and reached for his foot to wake him. Everytime I think about that morning, I think to myself, Do Not Touch His Foot. Because everything in my life was good up to that point, my world still existed. But when I touched his foot, his oh so very very very cold foot, my entire world just stopped, totally. Part of me knew, and part of my was whimpering, and part of me was screaming and part of me was grabbing the phone and dialing 911 and I was yelling at him to wake up, WAKE UP. He didn't. My husband of 42 years had left me. No warning, no illness, no heart issues up to this point. He simply left. The coroner said massive heart attack, he never woke up, he didn't feel a thing, all the things that should make me feel better, but they don't, because not a damn one of them brings him back. How can I keep going without him? He died on the 14th. On the 15th, my brother called to tell me my mom had passed early that morning. I pretty much lost the rest of the week. I now write a blog, which is helping, but I have questions about my own sanity. Is it normal for me to suddenly break down, sobbing, for what seems no reason? Is it normal to go through the day, seeming okay, and then without warning have a meltdown? I wear his coat everywhere, I don't care what it looks like, it smells like him. I sleep with his T shirt. Am I going crazy? Why can't I stop crying???
  8. My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.
  9. My girlfriend just passed away

    My girlfriend and I met in late may of 2017, and we hit it off , we clicked, it was her first relationship and mine too, we had not been with any other person before us. We got really close , we cared for each other we loved each other....I will always say "I love you so much babe" and she would always say " I love you plenty " but I knew she really did love me so much. As we got closer we shared our secrets to each other, it was so perfect like a match really made in heaven. I knew I always wanted to be with her always. She gave me inner peace and peace of mind and I always told her that, and she told me that she never wanted anything to come between us. She ways definitely my bbestfriend and buddy.. we would talk everyday on the phone when we were apart ....I mean we spoke morning, afternoon and night. One day she revealed to me that she was sickle cell , that she had SS genotype after I noticed her falling ill quite regularly, after she told me this I looked at her into her eyes the next morning and I felt so sorry for her and I teared a little while I gazed into her eyes which was quite green cos she had jaundice as well. I took it upon myself that what she needed in this life is definitely love and genuine love . From that point I put her health condition to side and I never brought it up ...I would always tell her I love her and would not leave her because she started to feel I would leave her because of her health. She trusted me with it and I loved her really with my soul, she really tapped into my soul. As our relationship went on she feel ill from time to time and I noticed she wasn't so proactive about her health as someone with that illness would be...but she never wanted it to bother me and she would get upset when I get so emotional about it...so I slowed down about the health issues. Couple days before she died she fell ill with herpartitis and it was so high .....I remember one of our last conversations about her health where I got mad for her vomiting in her room and no one was there and she told me that I need to stop worrying so much that it was not as if she was dying or something.....and she told me that she appreciated me for standing with her through her illness without running away or leaving her...I mean how could i....I loved her so much. On the 13th of November 2017 I had tried calling her throughout the day and her phone was switched off...so later at night she called me around 10pm and said she was at the hospital.....I tried to stay calm due to our previous discussion about her health and acted so calm telling her she was gonna be fine and stuff like that...then I wanted to talk more to her ...ask her how her day was..then she told me that she didn't want to talk ....she just wanted to reach out to me after a whole day of no conversation....so I said I was gonna call her back but she didn't not reply me ....so I felt she probably didn't hear me and dropped the call since she was not so well at that moment. So I called her line like an hour later but it was switched off again ....so for the second time I said a prayer for her before I went to bed ....that was our last conversation on the phone....on the 14th the next day I receive a call from her sister telling me to be strong and that she was already dead as at the early hours of 2 am ....I felt so shut down that day I cried in pain...even some days later.....I was also completing my last exams in college the day she was buried..it was such a bitter graduation for me...I also did not get to see her lying in state as well....I miss my baby so much she was all that to me and the favorite in her family....she was so precious to me .....I think of her every time even when I try to exercise to get my mind off a little bit...I feel so heartbroken and sorrowful about her and she was just 18 years while I'm 22 years old...I was kind of like a brother a friend and her lover too.... LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY......YOU WERE DEFINITELY WORTH EVERYTHING TO ME RIP Sophia....see you again
  10. My mother passed away last year, after losing her long painful battle with cancer, she passed away right in fort of my eyes at the age of 50, for the few first weeks it didn't feel real and I didn't feel that sad, my heart and my head were all empty, but as the time was passing it started to hit me, I felt such an unbearable pain, I hoped I could take my heart out of my chest and throw it away and the pain was getting bigger as the time goes by, I was acting fine and smiling when I'm around others but as soon as I am alone I would cry my heart out until I fall asleep. I'm the biggest daughter 21 years old, mom left me with my younger brother and sick father I had to be a replacement for her and take care of my family, I lived the past year with so many regrets and so many fears, I eventually fall into depression, I put an end to most of my relations with other people, I failed my studies, and I spent most of my time alone, all I did was eating non stop and sleeping, in a short amount of time I gained more than 50 lbs, as someone with a eating disorder who struggled with maintaining her weight for a long time, that made me even more depressed. Now I feel like I'm wasting time, I don't want to live the same way anymore, I decided I will get up and get a grip of my life, but I feel like I will be betraying my mom letting go of her so easily and so fast, I think she will be sad seeing me forgetting about her and living just fine when she dedicated her whole life to me, even the last thing she said moments before her death was my name, I don't know what to do I'm having a battle with myself, I'm so lost and I don't know from where I should start.
  11. Hi everyone, first of all, I want to say this post is really long. I'm mostly writing it to get my feelings out, so I totally understand if you don't want to read it. In short: I'm 18, my father died suddenly yesterday, I'm scared to go to his wake/funeral, I feel like I need to grow up and be less dependent on my mom, and I don't know if doing stuff to take my mind off of his death (video games, tv, etc) is bad. the past 3 weeks have been the hardest in my entire life. It started with my grandmother being hospitalized, my aunt breaking her leg and needing surgery (she's now staying with us), my uncle passing away (same aunt's husband), and now my father just passed away yesterday morning. I've been strong, much stronger than I imagined I'd be. Up until now I was going to school normally and being tough through all the grief and my uncles funeral. But since hearing of my father's death, everything has caught up to me. Like I said, I've been quite strong, but certain things are really affecting me. Last night, a close family friend came over to see my family and me. I was still in shock and unable to cry after hearing of my fathers death, but I think she's what woke me up. That family friend had went through the exact same thing that I am now experiencing. She was only 8 when her father passed away. She told me things like "Holidays will be tough.. just call/text me if you need to talk.. if you need to leave during the wake/funeral I'll be there.. don't worry, your brother will walk you down the aisle when you get married." That last one is what killed me. And to make it even worse, my mothers friend came over today and showed us wedding pictures of her daughter, some being with her father. I was able to fully cry tonight, alone in my room. I prefer crying to myself rather than in front of my mom or anyone else. I'm only 18 and I've been so dependent on my family my entire life. I struggled with anxiety in high school and only have one friend. Whenever I go shopping or to the movies I go with my mom. But with my fathers passing, I feel like it's a sign I need to start being my own person. I need to learn how to cook a few meals for my mom and brother. And maybe get my license so they don't have to drive me everywhere. I'm also not sure if keeping my mind occupied by playing video games and watching videos is ok. That's basically what I did today, but I feel like a jerk for laughing at YouTube videos the day after my poor father passed away. People have said not to dwell on his death too much, so maybe it's ok to smile/laugh? I loved my father and i only got to visit him once in these 3 weeks. My brother and I didn't even know he was that sick, everything happened so fast. I'm terrified to go to his wake and funeral. I hate crying especially in front of people and I don't want the last time I see him to be in a coffin. I wish I had been less of a bitchy daughter to him these past few years. He went through hell most of his life, being sick, having 2 kidney transplants, and tons of surgeries. At the very least I wanted to let him know I'm sorry and love him.
  12. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  13. Shattered

    I was 4 years old when my grandparents went to the US, I grew up without them. Although, along the years they would come back for vacations for a couple of months at a time. I don't remember much of their visits then, I guess I was too young to really appreciate. When they would come home, it would be with my cousins and as a kid all I wanted was to hang out with my age group. Last December I was told they would be coming to live with us for good! I was ecstatic! Finally I would have a grandma of their stories. My joy was short-lived though. Less than a week home my grandma fell ill, pneumonia. I work in a hospital but at that moment I was on a break. I took care of my grandma in the hospital for more than a week and all those time I was completely terrified. When we went home my grandma asked me to not go back to work yet and so I didn't. It was a wonderful excuse to spend more time with her, to make up for the 18 years of my life without her. We had blissful months together until the 2nd week of April 2017. It was then that my world crashed. We found out she had advanced liver cirrhosis. I have so much fear for this killer. I lost my dad to it 10 years ago. And I was not ready to lose my grandma, I lost my closest aunt 5 years ago to cancer and my wound still has not healed. From April to June, we were in the hospital for 4 times, none less than two weeks. I took care of her again, gladly. I could not rest unless I was the one with her, in the hospital or at home. Her last hospital stay was on June 27 to July 4. It was I who talked her into it as she didn't want it anymore. She just wanted to stay home. As a medical professional and being scared to lose her, I just couldn't watch at home. In the end she agreed. I felt so relieved and guilty. Guilt cause I caused her pain. I told her how sorry I am to have not listened to her, because she was a wonderful person she said she doesn't blame me and I was not being selfish but I still blame myself. During that hospital stay she developed the sinister, the thief condition hepatic encephalopathy. She slipped into a stupor and I could hardly wake her. I prayed to God not to take her yet, to just wake her for a moment so I can talk to her one last time. God heard me and gave me more than I asked for. She recovered enough to wake and call out my name at 2am to tell me she loved me. I was so relieved she had awoken. From there she slip in and out of consciousness and call my name. On July 11th she slipped from my grasp beyond to a place I could not ever reach her again. I was so shocked, for just the night before we were just exchanging stories until 5am. When I woke up just before 9am I was not expecting to feel her ice cold hand in mine. That's how we always slept, she on the hospital bed and I on a recliner beside her, our hands holding each other. All I could do was weep until someone found me and tore me away from her. On July 11 my world shattered into pieces. I feel so guilty, I shouldn't have fallen asleep, I should have stayed awake with her but I didn't! I feel regret that I didn't spend every second I could with her while I could. I feel abandoned, unfair that she was taken again from me. I miss her so much and I don't regret that gave up my job for her. I am thankful to have been given the oppurtunity to care for my grandma and I would be willing to do it all again. Until now I cry myself to sleep, tears streaming while writing this, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. Right now I am terrified to step in a hospital again, afraid to work again, scared that I'd break down infront of a patient. My world is still at a standstill and I don't know how to go on and pick up the pieces. I just miss her so much. I feel different cause I think everyone is better but me. I still haven't let go. I sleep with the last piece of clothing she wore and her pillow. How do I return to what was before all these happened?
  14. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  15. My Dad died a year ago on my birthday. It was very hard on me, because we were very close and like minded, and I had to take him off of life support. It took 6 months for me to stop spontaneously crying. Yesterday was the one year mark. I feel like my heart has shattered all over again. I'm angry, broken, and lost. I tried to rely on my fiancee, but he has proven to be...unreliable. My mom relies on me for everything now, and I have to be her rock. It feels like the world is caving in around me, and I don't know what to do.
  16. Loss of my love

    Hi everyone, My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life. thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.
  17. Introduction

    Hello, Everyone. I guess it would be good to introduce myself. My second oldest son, Cameron, died in March 1992 when a dresser in his room fell on top of him. He was supposed to be taking a nap, but apparently he was trying to reach something on top of the dresser. It was the most horrible thing I've ever gone through and the most intense, deep, and long-lasting pain I've ever experienced. My wife and I went from planning for pre-school and day care to planning a funeral, picking a burial plot, and picking a headstone overnight. I would never, ever wish that kind of thing on anyone!! It took a great deal of time and effort to heal. I am not in the process of the raw pain and grief that so many of you are in, but I can honestly say that I have a very good idea of what you are going through. If a person hasn't gone through it, there is no way they can possible understand it. There is simply no reference point you can relate to unless you have been there. Events like his birthday and Christmases and such have gotten a lot easier, but they can still be rather tender when I remember him. He would be 27 years old if he were still alive. I can honestly say that there is never a day that I don't think about him after all these years. I can also honestly say that it took me a long time to work through all of this and now I lead a happy, normal life and that I carry this grief rather than it carry me. It took a lot of time and work to get to that point. I hope that I can be a voice of comfort to those of us whose grief is still raw and very deep and I can offer a perspective that there is hope, even if it seems very dim or even non-existent at this point. I attached a photo taken of Cameron the day before he died. His aunt Crystal and his older brother, Eric, are in the background. I love you, Cam!
  18. BEREAVEMENT AND RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP FORUM GRENFELL TOWER FAMILIES, RELATIVES AND FRIENDS Please post whatever you need to share (within reason) God bless x
  19. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  20. I still don't know how Todd died. I found him on the floor of our new home. He was the bravest, most gorgeous, strongest person I have ever known. He was a REAL person... a person that understands you when you speak, that knows what to do in hard situations... Someone that is just Real. And it doesn't exist outside of him. I'm so sorry I couldn't get you to the hospital sooner. I wish it was me. You're too young. You were a young soul. I love you. I fell asleep in your arms and you still held onto me while I faced you, cuddled into you and I know you were watching Modern Family over my shoulder. I can't make anything work. I just keep bumping into things. I don't even know where you are! Kristina Montesi2
  21. Missing my old pup, Dante, so much

    Currently having a hard time with the loss of my little Dante. I only had him from September 2012 to this May 4th, 2017, but he had turned 15 this month. I noticed him having labored breathing two weeks ago, sent him in to get checked, was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and tracheal collapse but was shown that his lungs were clear of fluid and was put on bronchial meds to help, there was no indication of heart failure. Then one week later, he woke up gasping for air, I thought I would lose him on the way to the ER, he couldn't be stabilized even on more than double the amount of oxygen, and he was suffering, suddenly had developed fluid in his lungs, and I had to let him go. It was horrible to watch my poor baby go from one day enjoying a slow walk and barking at birds by the door to gasping for a little bit more life. He wagged his tail despite not being able to stand, moments before I let him go with the help of our ER Vet. I'm devastated, my family is devastated. Everyone loved my sweet baby. My mother, my siblings, my grandmother are all broken hearted. This is second to last walk I had with him. After he walked next to the flowers, I carried him home because he was tired, and he rested his head on my shoulders and closed his eyes to snuggle me. I miss him so much. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTmCRX3lleG/?taken-by=lettersatlarge Its just so hard for me because despite the fair prognosis we received at the vet a week before he passed, I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did not have long, I knew somehow it would be this week despite the fact that he appeared okay. I look back and realize he told me he was getting ready to go. Several walks went by where he'd let me carry him the rest of the way and he'd just look around like he was taking it all in, he calmly sat on my lap on the porch and watched the sunset with me, he licked my face several times, something he didn't usually do. He'd lie down next to me at night when it was hardest for him to breathe and I stayed up most nights petting him calmly to let him know I was there. I find myself getting upset at myself for not doing more. As he fell asleep that last time I noticed a dirty spot on his fur and fell apart because I had told myself I would give him a bath the night before, but I was tired and didn't. I'd do anything to give my little jellybean one more warm bath, one more night. A small solace for me is that he somehow managed to sneak a piece of pizza the night before he passed. Despite the fact that he'd had 10 extractions early this February, he went ahead and went for the pizza. I'm glad he got a fun snack outside of his soft food before went, but I wish I'd been able to give him something even better.
  22. Hi all, I'm new to this site, and not entirely sure how it works, but I hope it is a chance to share and learn from others. I'm a 28 year old male working abroad. A few months ago I learned by email that the police had found my mother dead inside our house (we live in the countryside of upstate NY). She had been living alone for several months. She spent her share of her retirement money in a matter of months (she was 59) and no longer had any money to pay for electricity. As the winter months began, with no electricity she was unable to heat the house, and she died of hypothermia. The police found her after a neighbor noticed little activity coming from the house for several weeks. My parents had recently divorced after my mother, who had been on medication for bipolarism/manic depression, suddenly refused to take her medication anymore. From what I understand, life at home became horrible for my father, and he was eventually forced out of the home after my mother made a false claim to the police that he had raped her. She took half of the retirement money and spent it all in a matter of months on installing new lockable windows and barricading the driveway. She also bought new furniture and an expensive lamp. As time went on she refused any help from anyone, and when my parents divorced in August, she was really on her own. The last time I spoke to her was last April, on the phone. She really wanted me to come home for the summer and offered to pick me up. I did not give a clear answer. I was so concerned about her ability to take care of herself, but I was also afraid if what she might do to me if I came home. With so much instability and danger in that situation, I decided to not come home for the summer. That was the last conversation I had with my mother. The last time I saw her was December 1.5 years ago, being driven away by the police to a hospital where she would get examined for rape. I thought a lot about calling her again to check in, but I wanted to distance myself from the crazy family situation. When the electricity got caught off in September, I suppose there would have been no way to contact her, as the phone would not have worked. I overall feel little towards the death of my mother except guilt, sadness for her wasted life, and wonder at the idea that someone who was once breathing and talking is now a pile of ash (her body was cremated). I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I'm repressing feeling, or if I genuinely feel nothing. It's still hard for me to believe that this even happened.
  23. Til death do we part

    I'm starting year two of widowhood. Lonely? Of course. Missing my best friend? Yes. Learning to live without him? Yes. Learning to love life again? Yes. Is my life perfect? No. Am I tired of being told how a widow should act? Yes. Am I tired of the VA screwing up the order for the cremain's plaque? Definitely. My husband's ashes are still sitting at the funeral parlor waiting for the VA so I can bury him. So frustrating. Tired of being asked why I don't keep hubby's ashes in my home? Yes. I find the concept of keeping his ashes in our home totally creepy. And I'm tired of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. I miss my husband every day, but that life is just a memory. I'm redoing our/my bedroom this summer. Re-painting, getting a new smaller bed, etc. My hubby had picked out the paint and all the furniture, as it made him happy. But, I want the room to reflect me now, not what will never be again. I also want to date. I want to love again, but will not ever marry again. I never want to hear, "I'm sorry..." again. I am so lucky to have marvelous step children. I'm a permanent part of their lives. Not everyone is so fortunate. Yes, I'm rambling. I've noticed that I do that quite often nowadays. I guess, I just need to ramble, vent and even receive validation for how I am dealing with being a widow. We are all different. We all survive this trauma in different ways. Am I required to mourn in a more traditional manner? Isn't it enough that I loved my husband?
  24. Mum died 2 years go when i was 12

    So, despite my spelling and display name I am 14, my mom died of a 2 year battle with cancer- and I still feel lonely and lost without her. Those two years were extremely hard, firstly, my mom was diagnosed with cancer after being sick frequently and we had to cancel all our holidays but after around 1-2 years she got the all clear which I definitely took for granted. It was then a thursday afternoon when I got back from school with my long term best friend that she told me she only had 6 months left. I cried all night and the next day too. After around 3 months, she had surgery that failed and she was paralysed which she would cry about (she was depressed at this time). She didn't feel herself. She said she felt ugly. She was very smart too, and she said she felt as if the old her had gone. She couldn't do things with us anymore and I'd felt angry and sad and upset the whole time, there'd be times where I would collapse and not be able to breathe because I couldn't physically comprehend what was about to happen. I went to a netball match on Wednesday 12th November, and when I got back my grandma told me she was gone. I didn't cry the whole night. Me, my brother and my sister whom are both older than me all sat in the living room not really talking and I was awkwardly finding and saving pictures of nice houses as possibly a coping mechanism? I don't know. Before this, I'd fell into depression. I was self-harming, and not for attention in fact I hid it. I never talk about this, but it was the one time. After my dad noticed I explained it was because of the pain I was going through, after he forced me to talk to my mom in the hospice she was crying and felt guilty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never talk or speak or live. After her death, I was okay. But I still have anxiety and depression disorder (GAD or the down side of Bipolar, without the mania). Year 7 was horrible, I was shy. Year 8 was gruel as I was trying to be pretty and seem normal. I have always felt ashamed of the way I look, and it was only recently my grandma and I were talking about my mom. She said she went through exactly what I did in terms of social situations, no one but my dad knows of my issue, no one (my brother does pick on me for being mentally unstable). Anyways, a couple years on and I still feel lonely and ugly. I still wish she was here so she could help me, she knows what I was going through and I just sometimes sit in bed and wonder who cares about me? Who actually do I have? My family fell apart after her death. My brother drinks and does drugs as well as being emotionally abusive to all of us, like I said with the comments, and is constantly breaking this family. My sister and I never get on. My dad is upset and moody and has a girlfriend who I like, but never spends time with us. I don't know, the sadness I've come to know and almost love. It's warming to be alone and not to have anyone, apart from my two stray cats. (I know, I'm a loner). I just don't know how long this will last. Will I ever get over her death? The memories and anger always come back, and the thought of her being so afraid before she died makes me want to too. Any comments or help will be much appreciated. - Bea.
  25. I imagine I'm not alone in having dreams about a dead loved one. My dad died over 5 years ago and I still have dreams about him. I thought with time they'd go away and they have become less frequent. Every now and then I still get one about him and sometimes they can be really upsetting. How do you deal with dreaming of lost loved ones?