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About Me

Found 25 results

  1. My Dad died a year ago on my birthday. It was very hard on me, because we were very close and like minded, and I had to take him off of life support. It took 6 months for me to stop spontaneously crying. Yesterday was the one year mark. I feel like my heart has shattered all over again. I'm angry, broken, and lost. I tried to rely on my fiancee, but he has proven to be...unreliable. My mom relies on me for everything now, and I have to be her rock. It feels like the world is caving in around me, and I don't know what to do.
  2. Hello everyone, I lost our beautiful mum on the 4th of Oct 2016. It all started suddenly with fever, 103.6 degrees, nausea, diarrhoea after that she did not pass Urine for a day or bowel movement. She was totally fine except type two diabetes and hypotension. We were in India at that time and unfortunately there was a dengue and chucungunya epidemic. We went to family doctor he didn't order bloods and by symptom he told us it sss chucungunya which my aunt recently had.!she had a real bad joint pain also which is a symptom. On the fourth day she started getting worse and had a severe abdominal pain and was short of breath. She did t want to go to the doctor or in emergency. She was so bad that she could not move we finally called the ambulance who took her to hospital. The local doctor ordered tests on day four and everything was OK according to him and he now said it was a viral and the only issue was low platelet count. She had stopped eating and drinking water by day 4 -!; 5. When we reached hospital they said her platelet count was dangerously low 95,000 they ran tests and said her creatinine and potassium were sky high which meant her kidneys had failed they were only working10%. They said this was due to some infection but it'd take time to figure out until then she was put on anibiotics inserted a catheter to mesusrd Urine output and was given meds and food through pipes in her neck. The only was to purify her blood was through dialysis. On second day X ray came and they said she had air leaking out of her Intestine. Even when we reached hospital they did tell us she was really really sick, her kidneys were bad transplant was not an option as she was I poor health. They did emergency surgery to fix air in the intestine and discovered she had a bowel perforation (peritonitis) The surgeon told us her chance of survival with surgery was 10% and without surgery she'd not make it either it was 0%. They removed infected part of large I testing, found 1 litre of pus which they removed and put a temporary STOMA in her tummy. My poor mum was unconscious she didn't know what was going on at all! So we consented. Surgery went fine and st night she was stable but they put her on non invasive ventilator to help her lungs and heart and so she could sleep. In the morning, we were told her blood pressure had dropped to a dangerously low point. They gave her all meds to pump it up but nothing working she was in SEPTIC SHOCK now, around 5 pm it was almost ok she was maintaining around 90 but after that it suddenly Dropped further. They called us from ICU and said the last resort was a blood transfusion and if that didn't elevate her BP she would not make it. They tried this but it had no effect on her blood, eventually after a three day struggle at hospital and a living nightmare she passed away, I could not take the sight of her monitor and her vitals dropping anymore I went out, I told her how much I loved her but I don't think she heard me, I just didn't have the courage to stay with her until her last breath she was on ventilator and her vitals kept dropping until her pulse showed 0.. I let my father and her brother stay as only two people were allowed, it haunts me to think that perhaps she was looking for me and my brother and we were not present when she was counting her last breaths. this was the worst day of my life, I would do anything to bring her back but I think I failed as a daughter whom she always trusted blindly, I told her she would get better but she did not. I should have been more proactive but my mum was very weak, she was also overweight 97kgs that's why it was so hard to take her down from a fifth floor apartment in a shitty lift. Her result for chucungunya done at hospital came back positive. She kept saying she was fine, none of us realised the fatality of the situation p I don't know what killed her, doctor said she must have had diverticulitis or Crohns which got worse but no one had any specific cause. Her cerfticicate said MOD PERFORATION PERITONITIS ANF SEPTIC SHOCK. Do not ignore severe abdominal pain she fell sick on the 26th with fever only, got wide on the 29-30th Sep and passed on the 4th Oct. I will never forgive myself I should not have listened to the family doctor I should have made him order bloods sooner rather than listening to his viral and chucungunya logic, I hope it never happens to anybody's loved one. I missed the chance to give her life, I hate myself I will never forgive myself me and my brother lost the most loving and beautiful mum withi a span of eight days ... I wish.. I didn't say goodbye I didn't tell her I love her I am lost without her life has lost its meaning what Devil attacked her. We celebrated her birthday just a week ago and mine too :(it was too late I am not sure if she would have had better treatment in U.K. Or Usa not sure if the doctors in India treated her properly ..
  3. My father died the same day my son was born! My father died at 5:08am and my son was born at 11:46am. He was a fire fighter, police officer and EMT. Every year I'm reminded by my son's birthday of that painful day. For years, I've tried to figure out how to manage the hurt and I've come to this conclusion. I have to except the facts but is there anything I can do to make the pain of losing me easier on my family when I pass away. Then I asked myself "what is it that would make my pain a little easier to deal with regarding my father". The answers was videos! I wish I had videos of my father. Not home videos but videos of him speaking directly to the camera from his laptop or cell phone telling my how much he loves me and reassuring me he will see me again. Maybe even a video wishing me a happy birthday. The possibilities are endless in what he could have made for me. So, you know what I did? I'm having a website built to do just that for everyone in the world to have. I'm taking my hurt and giving back to the world. I want everyone to have what I don't have. A chance to ease the pain by letting people create and upload personalized and confidential videos that they can leave for their loved ones. The website is called "Psily" pronounced (sigh-lee) and is the acronym for p.s. I Love You. I thought it would be a good name for the site. I am designing the site with everything I would want from my father like being able to create photo slide shows with background music, create audio files like a family member singing you happy birthday that you can listen to whenever you want, themed pages, just an over all very nice website. Think of it as a time capsule so to speak. CD's get broke, phones break, messages get lost, phones get stolen, computers crash. On my website, everything will be safe from all that and only the people you want can see the content you've made for them will see it. Some families aren't functional so we don't want a video made for a step mother or father to be seen by the biological parent, unless you want them to see it. There are many details going into this. I hope my hurt can help you as it will many others. You can find me on Facebook if you search "Psily". This is how I'm channeling my hurt. RIP dad I love you. www.facebook.com/neverforgotten208
  4. I dont feel I can get through the day. Norm, when I lost you November 29 you left without any warning. You took me with you. A Tuesday night like every other. Then you were gone. I am not the same strong girl you kissed good bye before work. I know you expected me to handle this and raise your child. You always said you would be gone before me. But I told you to stay. That we needed you. I cant. I have tried and I cant. You were my rock, you loved me, and you had my back. No one else understands. They ask, Were you married? Are you over it? You are fine now, right? Your family turn to me for help and I have nothing left. They say I have been so strong and amazing. Yet, Im falling apart. I cant walk, sleep or eat. I exist as a big ball of fear. Work expects me to go on as is Im the same person I was before. Im not. I wish I could be, but Ive tried and failed. I thought you would be here. With me. Holding my hand and telling me its ok. But you are just gone, completely gone. No messages from the other side, no signs, no dreams. Your silence is all around me. How could you be here one minute only to be replaced with the police at the door saying, Hes gone. For no reason, no reason anyone knows, no goodbye. Why didnt I know something was wrong. Why didnt you call me. All I have are my questions and fear and a big empty space where you should be. Thats all I am now. I love you. I need you here. We all do.
  5. Hey all, My name is Maire and I’m a student at Olin College of Engineering. My partners and I are trying to develop a tool to help people who experience panic attacks, particularly if they are trauma-induced, like with grieving or PTSD. Since our project was originally started in response to the needs of one particular friend during their trauma-induced attacks, we would really like to talk to more people about their experiences with their panic attacks. For example, we’d love to ask what some of you do during your attacks, what seems to help the most, and if other people are helpful or in what ways? The previous iteration of our project can be seen here, http://onepress.strikingly.com/ , and we are very eager to find ways to make as useful a tool as possible so we’d love the opportunity to talk to you more! If you’d be cool with us talking to us, please message me here or email us at onepressforsurvivors@gmail.com
  6. Here is my story as it is still relatively fresh in my life, in hopes to find insight from both sides as to how I should continue with my situation. I am a 19 year-old college sophomore and about 3 weeks ago now I was left by my girlfriend after a beautiful two-year relationship. And, yes, it pains me how cliche my situation is. However after some complexities, it becomes more unique. After two years of being together- meeting in high school, both going to college down in LA (she's a grade below me)- her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and soon passed two months after his diagnosis. She's 18 years old. I tried to be as supportive as I could possibly be. I drove 8 hours to be with her while her dad passed. I brought her family closer to mine to give support during their grieving process (invited them to our Thanksgiving). In every way I knew how, I was there for her. It was difficult for me to be with her every second as we went to schools an hour apart. Long distance is no stranger to us, as we maintained our relationship when I was 8 hours away from her in LA for my first year of college. And during the past 4 months we have been both happy maintaining our semi-long distance relationship at different schools. When the holidays came around, I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime to climb Mt.Kilimanjaro for free. I did the trip, but felt incredibly guilty not being with her in support as she went through the first Christmas and New Years without her dad. While I was away, we talked whenever I had internet connection and were both excited to see each other. When I got back, we spent a great few days together before I invited her to come on a vacation with me to Tahoe (in hopes it would both bonding and therapeutic). In the last minute before leaving, she told me she needed to be with her family and couldn't go. When I got back from Tahoe, she sat me down and told me she couldn't continue our relationship anymore because she needed to grieve her dad alone and valued the opportunity to be alone more than the opportunity to continue our relationship. That to me is something that is hard for me to fully understand. It hit me like a train. That night was sleepless and filled with anxiety attacks. I had 8 days before we each drove down to LA again. In my head I thought back to the 6 days prior when we were still together and everything was seemingly great, Only in retrospect do I realize she had been wearing a thick mask to hide her sadness, but I still am lost as to when the love slipped away with it. The dynamics had changed in our relationship after her dad, but my perspective was I was giving her the chance to be sad without me forcing her to be happy. Again, I didn't know how to handle to situation as I have never been there before. For the next 8 days, I spent time with her, cuddling, laughing, wrestling. She made it clear we were still broken up and used this time as a chance to easily transform our relationship into friendship. I saw it differently. I saw the 8 days as a chance to fight for our relationship. She would openly say she was confused, to the point that on night 5 she slept with me. From my perspective, there was hope and I wouldn't accept the idea that the relationship was over. When I tried to confront her about it, she would tell me I needed to forget about her and move on. And of course that’s the last thing I wanted to do. My mind was split between fighting for what we had to rekindle whatever had been lost, or to give her the pace I knew she needed. Still, the entire week I suffered anxiety attacks and cried excessively. In the last days before we parted to school, she became stern with her decision to split up and I truly began to mourn our relationship. On the day of departure, still a wreck, she kissed me goodbye and told me she wanted to stay in contact. My mind was spinning with the never-ending question of “why.” After she had expressed her desire for me, she still kissed me goodbye, told me she cared about me, and went on her way. I texted her on good terms as we each settled into our lives separated in LA, but told her to reach out to me when she wanted to talk. After a few days I never heard anything from her. It was so difficult to see her continue with her life so effortlessly. “Business as usual.” I used social media to see that she was having fun and still in contact with her friends, but I somehow had been cut out of the picture. I still loved her, but it was impossible for me to move on. I was an emotional wreck, lost in our memories and attempting to take my first steps towards recovery. I finally had the courage to call her after a week of silence, knowing that by giving myself a week I would get over the initial blow of emotions I would go through in the first week of separation. It was hard. Like withdrawal from a drug. My chest always carried around an aching pain, while my mind went on autopilot throughout the day. I would take advice and keep myself busy, meeting with friends, getting out of the house. I even picked up running. By the time I called her I thought I could begin to foster a friendship, knowing that giving her space would be the best thing for her. Deep down, I hoped she would turn back and say that she was wrong, but of course she didnt. We made small conversation about how our weeks had been, acting as though we were friends with no history. My mind was ruptured. It hurt that she never reached out to me in our week of silence, but boy was it good to hear her voice now. I quickly realized she didn’t want to get into the relationship. She made it obvious she was over with me, but my mind still hung onto this idea of hope from the kiss, sleeping with me. My mind seeded this idea that she was confused and still in love with me and there was some hope deep down. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to cling on. But at the same time the last thing I wanted to give up on something that was so good. Finally I mustered up the courage to be direct about the situation. I understood she needed space, but was there any way I could be in the picture for that? No. Why did you kiss me goodbye? Closure. I want you to tell me you don’t love me anymore. I don’t love you anymore. We took a few minutes discussing why she felt the way she did in a blunt conversation. In the end she told me she needed space to be independent, not worry the stress of our relationship. But how could you give up on we happiness we had? I expressed my passion for our companionship, how happy we were together. A bad tactic, I know. At the end, I told her that for my sake we shouldn’t talk for several months. A peppy “OK. I understand.” Today I find myself in a situation where I know the healthiest thing to do would be letting her go and moving on completely to enjoy my time here in college. However it’s difficult to ignore the potential our relationship our had and the incredibly unique experiences we shared at such as milestone in our lives. My head has moments of clarity where I see the future as a single person, where I can develop myself, be with other people. But I am constantly reminded of the amazing memories we share and still not entirely understanding why it had to end with me out of the picture. My heart is suffocating from the anxiety and withdrawal of having a best friend. Where I need guidance is to assess where I stand in her life and how much should I be part of that. All I want to do is talk to her everyday and support her in such a difficult time in her life. The irony is before I didn’t know how to support her because I had never gone through any major grief in my life, and now that she’s left me, I see through her mask and can recognize the pain she must be in. I have several anxiety attacks each day, almost a month after she left me, each one inspired by a rabbit hole of thought as I think about how she is fine without me. I am reminded constantly of our past and am intimidated about the future. I’ve been told to support her from afar, but how do I do that without hurting myself? If I don’t talk with her will she drift too far and I then lose all hope of us getting too far? I want to give her space, but keep me in the picture as support. Should I fight or fall back? How do I cope with the anxiety? If anybody has lost a parent, what has been their experience with their relationships? What is it that she needs and is there anyway I can be in her picture? I know I am 19 and the story sound like the classic first loves drama. But the pain that I am going through gets harder every day as I think about her drifting. TL;DR My girlfriend left me after the passing of her father for reasons pertaining to her needing space to grieve. She fell out of love with my, however gave me strong signals of hope after we had broken up. After confronting the hope and beginning my first steps into acceptance, I am lost on truly understanding why she left me and how I should best allow the situation to play out to foster the potential for getting back together. The pain is overwhelming and I want to be there to support her but she has kindly told me she needs to be alone. How do I cope? How do I fight? How do I let got? What have been your experiences in relationships when losing your parent?
  7. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half years now. We know we want to get married, we are just waiting until I finish college. I'm going to call him J. About a week or two after we began dating his mother committed suicide. She was the most beautiful woman I ever met, inside and out. J's dad lives in Ecuador, and she's had many relationships while J was growing up. She left him with her boyfriend who loves J very much. But at the end of the day his constant was always her. They always had each other and she treated him extremely well. He loved her so much. My boyfriend walked in on her after she did it. I don't want to get into the details but it was graphic. He lives with the image every day, and sometimes when he is quiet I can tell he is thinking about it. he blames himself and he feels as though he could have stopped it like he did before, because she had tried once before and he walked in on it and stopped it. Fast forward three and a half years and he is still not okay. His stepfather is remarried and isn't as involved in J's life like he used to be. We moved to North Carolina so we are not around any of our friends from high school. Though in high school we were together every single day after school, so neither of us hung out with our friends much. He does not ever want to be affectionate. He rarely wants to have sex. He has no hobbies outside of work. When I fight with him about not being affectionate he says that he is sorry and that I'm the only thing keeping him alive. He says he thinks about his mother every day , and that when he thinks about her it makes him want to kill himself. But he doesn't because he knows he has me. I know he will never be fully okay, but I want him to be better. Our relationship besides the affection aspect is great. I don't think it's possible to be more in love with each other than we are. Should he go to therapy? Is there something more I should be doing? Please help.
  8. I lost my brother a few months ago. It's been soul crushing. Just discovered this podcast which has somehow really helped. The podcaster lost her brother suddenly and is on a quest for the meaning of life and death. She's a comedian and seeks wisdom of other comedians to help her on her journey. It's really amazing. It's called The Tao of Comedy and you gotta check it out!!! http://apple.co/1RkSCpH
  9. I need help. I lost my dad to cancer in April since losing him I feel so lost alone. I don't feel like myself anymore. Nothing makes me happy or even smile. People try their best but I push them away, I get irritated easily and get angry for no reason, I'm pushing family away. I can't help my mom and barely talk to her I don't know what to say or do
  10. This is long, and to the one most dearest to my heart ever. I lost my mom. To say that I lost just that, is the biggest understatement. She's been my best friend, the one who's always been there for me and always loved me, and I the same for her. I care about her more than anything in the world. I'd been her caretaker since she was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year, and had always just been with her before that (we'd pretty much always been best friends and I know her the best, and she knows me). She always knew how much I loved her and I told her, but after the diagnosis I would tell her at least 10 times a day how much I love her, would give her kisses constantly, hug her and lay with her and hold her hand, and rub her back all the time. She knew how much I loved her and commented on how much I did, I know it made her feel so good inside. I researched good foods for her to eat, the correct vitamins that long term survivors were taking, researched all the clinical trials we could put her on. I was on top of everything. She also got so much love and support from friends and other family members, she was happily blown away by how many people cared about her. I told her "of course, who wouldn't love you?" That always made her smile. My sister came to help and actually did a lot for a while, but ended up not being around as much after time had passed, so everything was back on me. Talking to doctors, researching (which I didn't know anything about before and had to learn quick so I could help my mom, she was counting on me and I would never let her down. I would do anything for her). I know my father loves my mom, but he would watch tv all day, but he even did that before she got sick. He would go out and do chores and buy groceries, I guess that's the most he could do. He would get her food or things she needed if she was cold or needed medication, but for the most part it was all on me to take care of everything, even him, though he is relativity healthy. They're both in their early 70's and had been together since their teens, and my mom was seemingly very healthy before all this happened. She still had been working, while he had been retired for a good while with no problems. She never looked her age, she was always so beautiful and youthful looking, no one would ever guess she was in her 70's. Watching my loving mother, really the rock of my life that always had been there for me, seeing her health decline and body change was so hard. To know this is the person I love without a doubt more than anyone in the world and to know I'm doing all I can for her and not sure if it was going to help, killed me everyday. I never wanted her to be afraid, and we were doing everything we could for her and researching any and all the options out there. She was going to be the exception. We stayed extremely positive and so did she, she was going to fight and I told her I would be there every step of the way and as long as she didn't give up I would never give up on her. I told her to give me all her burden and I would take it on my shoulders. I really did think my love would somehow help heal her, as we worked on other things like chemo and nutrition, meditation, praying, and positive thinking. This really seemed to work and she got better for a couple months, then the chemo stopped working. She very much loved and believed in God. I thought it was just a matter of time before we got her on another modality that was going to help her. Seeing her in the hospital was unbearable at the end (though I didn't know that was happening at the time). I spent all my time with her as I always did whenever she was in the hospital, just coming home to shower and recharge so I could go back and be with her. I would hold her hand constantly and just try to keep her mood up, hug her and tell her how much I love her and just talk about normal things. She only went in to the hospital for something minor that was due to the cancer and we all thought she would be out in a couple days, which turned into almost 2 weeks. She got better, then things happened and seemed to go wrong and a major blood vessel problem changed everything. She told me she loved me and I did to her, and had such love in my eyes when I looked at her because I didn't want her to be scared in any way. I knew things didn't look good. The last 2 days were more than horrendous. She was no longer responsive and I knew I was losing my fight to help my mom heal and get better. I promised her I would, it was my job to take care of her and I could feel everything moving so fast and I couldn't help her. There was family drama going on during all of this (and after), which makes it even harder. Watching her go was the worst thing I've ever experienced, to hear the breaths get shorter and I knew what was coming. I held her and told her I lover her over and over, played her favorite music, and sang our favorite songs into her hear. I never thought this would happen. One day, maybe very far in the future but not now. Not her. Not my mom. She was such a good person, but cancer doesn't care what kind of person you are. Neither do some doctors who's bedside manner made me want to punch them as hard as humanly possible in the face. It's only been a couple of weeks. I can't stop thinking about the last days and how she looked and all the images and occurrences with family that I have in my mind. Even how she would ask me months before if she was dying, and I would tell her no we're doing all we can for you, we're gonna get you better. That's exactly what we were working so hard on. It was so heartbreaking to hear her ask me that. I knew very clearly that it was my purpose to be there to help her. She told me I was the one who made her feel so much better, so calm, and that everything was going to be alright. That made me feel so happy, that I was helping her in some very real way. She loved me so much, as I love her so much. I thought it was my life's mission to get her better. I feel I failed. Those images, being with her as she went (though I was proud to do, and proud to do everything I did for her and would do it all the same in a heartbeat). I know she didn't feel alone in her fight, my dad and sister made her feel supported as well, just not as consistent as our relationship did. I would calm her when she did get scared, and tell her we're gonna do the best we can to get you better. I never wanted her to feel alone. I don't think she did very often, I was with her just about 24/7, physically and emotionally. People say that at least she's not in pain now, and I definitely never wanted her to be in any pain. I could never have even in my worst dreams imagined this, truly, maybe other family members but I never even considered this would happen to her, not my Mom. I empathize so much with people that it hurts me really bad to see someone I love suffer. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. I can't seem to help it but I keep seeing those last day horrible images in my head. It comes to me when I wake, during the day and at night. I can't stop crying. I cry intensely, everyday. I know it's all had a very traumatic effect on me, I'm sensitive by nature in the first place. I try not to think about those moments when I knew she probably was scared because they hurt me the most. When scary stuff was happening, and I was the only one there to help, until the nurses came, scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be brave for her and take care of things, just like I knew she would absolutely do for me. Then later to see her body change and her becoming non-responsive, and sweating profusely. Then seeing her get strong medication so she wasn't in pain as the doctors said, but I knew she was to a certain degree because she was losing her battle and she did not want to lose it in any way, she was such a fighter. I know she fought to stay with me, I wanted her to as well, and also for herself. The family I have now without her is extremely unsupportive emotionally. We barely talk, though my sister takes care of my dad and pays him much attention. We had trouble in the past but she is still cruel to me, even after everything that has happened. She has returned home which is far away, but still is very domineering and bossy. My brother is very unconcerned and seems to not really care at all, he has his own family on the east coast and is seems to be very settled in it. It makes me so sad because I know my Momma cares about him so much and my family treated him like "the golden child", now that tragedy struck he is so emotionally detached, and just seems to care less. He is happy and has developed a very separate life that doesn't include our nuclear family, other than on the surface. My remaining family is very cold emotionally, and generally towards me, and not involved in my life. My mom was the exception. There was true love and caring(and still is) between her and I, and I know that will never be replaced. That hurts inside so bad. I don't have a spouse, so I'm now all alone trying to deal with all these emotions that I'm having such a hard time trying to process. As time is passing it's getting harder, as it's all sinking in. I think the burden would be easier if I had some compassionate people in my life, people who care to talk to and spend time with. Whenever I talk about how I feel in the least bit I get the uncomfortable feeling from others that I should just keep a stoic appearance and not make them uncomfortable. That is so, so, isolating. I also get the message that what I have done has been forgotten, and now I have to "take care of my Dad". Like I didn't give my blood and everything I had and tried to take care of my dearest Momma, and also my father at the time (who is capable of taking care of himself) and try to feed myself and get some rest in the meantime- all forgotten, like it never existed, never happened. The trauma of witnessing all that I saw to the one most special and dear to my heart, gives me this daily horrible pain in my chest that I wake up with, like someone's ripping my heart to pieces and I can't breathe. I have horrible nightmares all the time, and go from not sleeping at all, to sleeping 16 hours. I have dreams that I have cancer, that spiders are coming out of people's mouth's and last night that a spider laid a web around most of my body and as I tried to peel it off, it was like a flesh eating virus and my lower layer of epidermis was exposed, looking something like raw prosciutto ham, even on my private parts. Very disturbing. Nothing at all interests me, even things I did enjoy. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to do with myself or where even I want to be in the future. I can't think of anything. I can't even think of a single thing I want or really want to do in general. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I don't even know what I want to do career wise, as I quit my job to be with my Momma and take care of her, and been running off of savings I've built up. I don't even care about that as work in this current condition doesn't seem like it will be happening very soon. I'm having a hard enough time trying to keep myself together right now. Nothing seems to be going the right way or making sense. I feel like I'm in some parallel universe where everything I would never want to have happen, has. If I go out in public alone I feel so dead inside, I don't relate to anyone and everyone feels so "far" away, like they're not even real. Sometimes it's nice though just to get out and talk to a stranger, because the people I do have as remaining family that are supposed to be there for me are non existent, or just don't want to help. I think they see me as some kind of emotional problem they don't want to deal with. "If you just ignore it, it'll go away", is how my family has worked, and to some degree some of my friends also. I do have a couple friends who are very supportive, but they have their own lives which are very busy, but do manage to make some time for me. That really helps when that happens. I've had counseling in the past for depression, which had been mildly effective at best. I still try. It seems to be difficult to find someone who is skilled enough to actually really help. The people who do try to help say things like "she's in a beautiful place", and "you've got such a great future the sky's the limit!". Really? It's only been a COUPLE of weeks, are you really saying that right now?? I know people mean the best and are trying, but really that is way too soon. If they understood how I've been feeling, they wouldn't say that. Actually some do know, and still say those things. I put all my effort and time into helping my mom, and because I only wanted to see her get better. She did too. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been left in this horrible place without my one true north, my rock, my best friend. A mother can never be replaced. She was the one I'd go to to tell her about my day, and she would to me. We'd both make each other feel better when the other was down, and were each other's personal cheering section. I have a hard time getting close to people and making bonds that seem to last, I'm not exactly sure why that is because I try to be the best friend I can be. My mom was always there and I feel like maybe I took that for granted in thinking she'd always would be. I've done a lot of things in life but I knew she was always there for me and just a phone call away. No matter how far I travelled, I could always call her and tell her what was going on in my life and share feelings and emotions with her, as she would. That's what moms do, they love you unconditionally, pick you up when you're down, and make you feel safe and loved. I know time is supposed to help but I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. With all the circumstances I'm going through, it's making it even harder. Though I hate to say this in regards to the fact of having anyone suffer, it is comforting to know there are people out there going through similar pain and experiences that I am. No one I know in real life has gone through something like this. It makes it harder to relate to someone who doesn't understand the pain you're experiencing so intensely. There's such a big hole. It hurts so bad. If you've never been that close to somebody, you have no idea how it feels. I try to block my mind from thinking anything, and that has been working temporarily, but I know it's going to catch up to me. I just want to hear her voice, and talk to her. I would be telling her all these things and talking to her, now I have nobody. I try to fake it and make like I'm okay, because people don't want to know how you're really doing. The more time passes, the more scared I get for how I'm going to deal with this.
  11. My father died 3 months ago this Saturday. I feel like within the last month, grief has really hit me hard upside the head. I cried so much when it first happened, but I sobered up quickly and kept on going with my life, and now I miss him SO MUCH. I don't sleep well anymore, I am constantly stress eating, I miss him so much I just think about him CONSTANTLY. I thought time was supposed to make things better, it just makes everything feel worse. The shock has worn off, and I am feeling it full on. Anyone have any advice for how to grieve in a more healthy way? I am a college student and I cannot slack off this semester, I need to buckle down, but I don't want to do anything because of my grief.
  12. I'm new to this, but feeling like anything is worth a go right now. I'm 20 years old and struggling to cope with the loss of my nan, still. This year will mark the 7th anniversary of my nan's death. We were very close and before she became ill with cancer, I was wanting to go and live with her. Since her passing people have said the usual, "it'll become easier with time" and all the rest. I don't feel like it has become any easier, if anything, worse. Since having you little boy 2 years ago, all I can think of every night when I lay and watch him sleep is how unfair it is that my nan wasn't around to meet him and watch him grow. I cry for hours on end, to the point I make myself sick. Surely this isn't normal? I find it extremely hard to talk about her with anyone because whenever she's mentioned, I cry. I'm an emotional person anyway but this is becoming out of hand. Short of seeing a professional, I'm not sure how else I can move forward from this. Any help or suggestions from anyone whose been in the same sort of situation would be greatly appreciated.
  13. My mother is the strongest, most funniest, most craziest person I know. At one point she stood 230 pounds and didn't mess around. You see my mother is from Jamaica and you can see and hear her coming. Today my mother shrunk down to a whopping 150 pounds if that. She is so quiet and medicated and it is so sad. Now when I see her she is the total opposite of what I remembered. You see my mother is dying of bladder cancer, the doctors gave her 6 months if that. I am pissed off, angry, upset and teary eyed. This past weekend, I had to make the decision to put my mother in hospice care. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt, sadness and pain of making such a decision. Many years ago my mother battled leukemia and won, today not so much. I believe for awhile I've been in denial but today not so much. In the past few days I have lashed out on everyone including my sister, I have told her I will disown her after my mother passes. I am angry. I know that I will lose my lover, my friends and some business due to this process. I am not doing well. I am crying so much, not eating and not sleeping, sometimes I cannot even breathe. Basically right now I hate everything and everyone. I know that I will never be the same, I am sick of people telling me "Be Strong" I can't. I really can't and I want to. Currently I know if I don't get some control I could possibly have a heart-attack that's how much pain I am in. I don't know what to do. I just don't.
  14. Hello I'm a new member and I came her for some advice from people who are going through the same thing as me Last night my only, favourite cat Cuda had to be put down due to bloat... At first I was sort of not accepting that he was gone but now it's the day after and I keep thinking about how he's never going to come curl up beside me again or ball up in every sun spot he could find or meow at me angerily when I wouldn't give him more treats And this is making me cry CONSTANTLY! Then crying makes me even more upset because whenever I cried, Cuda would always come and give me a tiny meow and sit on my lap and purr which made me feel so much better, but now he's not here to make me feel better so I can't seem to stop crying. I just can't stop imaging him here with me but then I realize he's not and I start sobbing! Has anyone been through this before? How did you get over the death of your cat??
  15. Here’s some stuff that I learned when my brother died unexpectedly just over three years ago. Shock feels like a lack of oxygen in your blood whilst most of you is still ticking over. You feel unconnected from things - other wordly. Hopefully if you’ve people around you they’ll place you where you need to be so that you don’t try and float across a busy road or drink tea that’s too hot. The moment you hear the news that you know is going to change things forever you think some pretty dumb stuff. My brother died in late November. I think one of the first things I said was, ‘That’s Christmas ruined’ as if that mattered. And it is kind of ruined but so was everything for a pretty long time. My now-husband, told me the news and he did it just about as best as someone can deliver that news - straight up. Unambiguous. I recommend that as soon as you get bad news, if you have the opportunity and wherewithal, you should try and block it out a little with something pleasant and distracting. My husband had brought a laptop and sitcom DVDs with him and we watched that on the train on the way to see my folks. I credit that with holding me together a bit better and buffering the raw pain a bit. They say that it’s a good idea for trauma to do that, it helps over the longer term too I reckon. When the remaining members of my family got together we all talked a lot, about my brother and about preparing ourselves for the grieving process. We acknowledged that everyone would experience things differently. We established a rule really early on that we would be honest with each other about when we are having a bad day. We still, pretty much, try to adhere to this rule but it was definitely a good idea for those first few months. I wanted to go into grieving wide eyed to avoid some of the pitfalls. That sounds weird I know but I didn’t want to do it wrong and get all messed up. My approach was to cry pretty much solidly for at least a week, (that wasn’t a choice, that just happened), then to try and break up the worst bits into more manageable sections. That meant allowing myself maybe an hour a day to feel the enormity of it, and to think about the longer and larger impacts - all the ‘why’s and ‘never’s. So I kept that pretty well topped up and it worked - if I missed a ‘session’ I could feel it simmering under, needing to get out. Physical comfort is a huge thing and a great answer to the question, ‘What can I do for someone who is grieving?’ I needed soft things - slippers, cardigan, soft pillow. Just things that felt gentle. Sleep is important, as everyone knows. Mine was never great but grief messed with it even more because I hated the thoughts before bed and the nightmares. Barely sleeping makes grief about 23 times worse. Stuff getting better is true. Of course it’s not strictly linear but there’s an upward line of best fit. Some hours you can feel almost as bad as you did in those first few days, but it is definitely more manageable. You get some of the really nice bits about enjoying life back eventually too - that can take ages but it’s good when it happens and you forget to notice - that’s a really big move forward. It’s totally understandable not to want to move forward particularly. In a way holding on to the grief is holding on to the connection and a way of pretending it wasn’t so long ago that you last saw that person. I’m not going to advise you away from that but maybe try and do the ‘manageable sections of grief’ thing as much as your brain and eyes will allow you. Don’t do it alone if you can possibly avoid it - do talk to people, bore people with it if you need to. They’ll hopefully suck it up and keep on listening when there’s absolutely nothing left to say. Gut punch references relevant to your situation are everywhere in the first few months. You’re experiencing the world with ears that hear death related references in capital letters. That fades after a bit, with just the odd jab here and there. A bit about the other party here - the one that’s missing from the picture. They’re definitely OK now, so that’s something that you can generally put in the win column. Pretty blank column otherwise. I did that thing people say to do where you write to them, and burn the letter. It genuinely helped a little. I recommend you give it a whirl even if it makes you feel like you’re pretending to be a white witch. It makes a lot of sense and where else was I going to send the invitation to my wedding that he should totally have been at. You can’t mollycoddle yourself forever but you can protect yourself from unnecessary situations. I had a couple of things in my calendar that I really didn’t feel up to - places where I would have been fixing a smile, but I thought I had to test myself or not let people down. My friend said ‘Just cancel on them. There is nothing good about this situation, so you may as well use it to get out of some stuff you don’t want to do.’ She is cool. Going easy on yourself is best. You’re already doing enough if it’s been a while and you’re back to doing some of your old routine. "Death is a fucker that should **** the **** off" - this bit’s about anger. Anger is cool because you can really get behind it and you can channel it into an outward, energetic thing. Make sure you do that -maybe dancing or something if boxing’s not your bag, so you don’t misuse it by saying spiteful, super negative things to the people you love too often. A big thing is to be gentle and kind to yourself. I threw myself into work and that went OK for a while but then stuff was building up and not getting dealt with and so it was only a temporary answer really. You do need time to process things. Don’t expect too much from yourself and get frustrated. Try and set other people’s expectations too. Of course some people are going to be in a race to get you ‘back to your old self’ because they love you and want what’s best for you but that’s just not going to happen. You’re going to be altered forever, and you should be, you’ve lost someone you love. That person continuing to shape you even after they’re gone is how they get to stick about. Being altered doesn’t mean staying unhappy. Try, if you can, not to let people push you to do stuff you’re not yet ready for. Stretching yourself a little is good, but trying to do too much too soon can end up being a net loss in progress terms. Grief sneaks up on you like the dirtbag it is, even after ages. This might be when you’re watching a perfectly bad sitcom that accidentally pokes you in the grief. Just knowing it’s lurking there is helpful. A final word about bitterness. I am pretty bitter about stuff. It’s not great. You don’t want the rot to set in too deeply. Just something to keep an eye on, and then you can be all ‘**** you, bitterness.’ I wish you the actual best with moving towards a happier place where your loss feels more manageable. xxx ( https://www.tumblr.com/reblog/105262108103/oL1Dq7z1'>
  16. I am a college student and I am currently helping my father plan his living funeral, he has terminal bladder cancer. While going through this experience with my dad, I have decided to begin a research project with the goal of relating the experience of having a living funeral to extended longevity in terminally ill patients and more comfortable grief experiences among surviving family members. In order to complete this project, I need to talk to a bunch of people who have had living funerals, that is where you guys come in, I hope. I need volunteers to write, in response to a prompt, their stories and experiences regarding their living funerals or the living funerals of their loved ones. Please, this research project is super important to me and I want it to eventually begin a shift in how everyone thinks of funerals and terminal illness. If you or anyone you know might be willing to participate, please either respond to this post or email me at Heather.Kendall14@ncf.edu. Thank you in advance for all of your help!
  17. My father died on 30 August. He was terminally ill, but lived longer than his doctors expected. He was diagnosed four years ago and doctors told him he would not live longer than four months. I am thankful for the extra time we had but I wish we had more time. I still cannot believe/accept that he is gone. I took two weeks off from work. Started working yesterday again, but I am struggling. I cannot focus, and I struggle to concentrate. I know grief has no timeline but can someone please tell me how long it will take for me to feel normal again. Sometimes I feel semi-okay (numb) but other times I feel emotional and tearful. I have a history of major depression, but I have been on Sertraline since 2010 and have been symptom-free since then. But now I am scared of relapsing back into depression. Is there anyone here who had a history of depression and then relapsed after the death if a parent? How do I know the difference between normal grief and depression? I feel lost. I want my father back. I want more time. I want this to be a bad dream so that I can wake up.
  18. I don't want to hear it any more. 1376677120
  19. Hey everyone, I'm new to the board and I am so glad that this message board has been made available for us. Last month my mother passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. Her death came as a complete surprise to me and my family. I'm still in a stage of disbelief with deep sadness. My mother is the first person that I had/have a close relationship with that passed. I'm having an up and down time dealing with it. One day I'm okay then the next I can't stop crying and thinking of her. I'm trying to readjust to being back at work, in my home and continuing on with my life. Any help and advice would be helpful. I would love to connect with other members and just chat. I feel so alone with and without people around. Thanks
  20. My cat has always been finicky about eating. She has always been very thin, and had an obsession with water. If I was bathing, brushing my teeth, getting a glass of water, there she would be asking to get a drink with me. Last week I started to notice that she wasn't looking great. It didn't raise too many eyebrows because she was still doing all of her normal things, hanging out with me, bathing, drinking, messing with our other cat. On Friday I came home and noticed that she was actively different. She was slower to move around, and out right refused to eat. I worried about her, but I went to the store to find all of her favorite foods so I could get her to try to eat something. The only thing she would eat was a few tablespoons of pureed pumpkin and a she would only drink if I let her drink out of the cap of a water bottle. Saturday she was noticeably bad. She wouldn't eat or drink at all and she started to hide under the bed. I decided to take her to the vet. I was expecting to hear that she had diabetes or cancer. I was expecting to get an astronomical bill, but to get to take my little girl home. She was only 10 years old. I was expecting to have her in my life for the 7-10 years. The prognosis was grim. She had kidney disease. Her temperature was low. She had kidney stones in both kidneys. Her mucus membranes were completely dried up. Expecting the vet to get to work on saving her, instead he suggested that we put her down. I was in complete shock. He brought her back to me to spend time with her before he put her to sleep. She was having a hard time moving around, but she was walking, and sniffing. She looked like she wanted to leave. She looked haggared and thin and sick. I petted her, held her. She sat down and started to purr. Then the Dr. came in. She was cradled in my arms. He gave her the first shot and she instantly fell over in my arms. He gave her the second shot and walked out of the room. I was devestated. The thing I am having the most difficult time dealing with is the feeling that I didn't do enough to save her. She was only 10 years old. Should I have asked him to do everything possible to save her? Did I ask enough questions? If I would have waiting to take her to my normal vet on Monday, would she have had another suggestion? I have so much guilt now in thinking back to that day. She was still walking. She was still purring. She looked terrible, but I just feel like I could have proded to get the vet to try anything else to help her. I have another cat who has been near death 4 times now. I can't understand how one cat can bounce back from the brink of death 4 times and the other cat gets sick one time and now she is gone. Ren was my best friend. We did everything together. She would sit on the edge of the bathtub while I bathed. She would sit and watch me brush my teeth in the morning. She would follow me from room to room. She would sleep on my hip every night. She would stretch up her arms to me as if to say, "I want held mama," and I would pick her up as she stretched her long back legs, and then she would rest in my bosom until she fell asleep. When she heard the door open, she would run out from under the bed to meet me. I keep hoping I will catch a glimpse of her spirit, or feel her try to rest on my hip again. I cry myself to sleep every night. When I get home and she's not there I bawl. My other cat has been great. When he hears me crying he comes to check on my. It's very sweet, but it's not the same. I can't get over the loss of my best friend. I need to know I did the right thing, but I just can't get over the guilt of feeling like I didn't do enough to save her life.
  21. First of all, I want to say how relieved I am to have found this community. I admire each and every member's courage to reach out, share and heal each other. Sorry for your losses and sending my warmest thoughts to everyone. My mom got sick on the 30th of December 2013. She was submitted to the hospital but insisted that I didn't worry (since her illness - pancreatitis - didn't seem like it was going to be in any way severe). However, 2 says later I got on a train and went to see her. She was really happy to see me, and feeling fine. She was released home only to come back to the hospital the next day for respiratory and heart distress. While mildly sedated, just before falling asleep in the hospital, the last words we said to each other were "Mom, I love you." "Me too". It's like we both anticipated it but didn't want to admit that she was never going to wake up. 10 days later, after continuously fighting and hanging onto life, she passed away while my dad and I held her hand and told her not to be afraid. That was January 13th - ironic, isn't it. Nobody is ever ready for this. I'm 23, have moved away from home 4 years ago, but used to call my mom every night. Not because I had significant stuff to share, but because I knew it would make her day. I'm not worried about her anymore, she is definitely somewhere better. She was a doctor and dedicated her life to saving thousands of people, so all her kindness and dedication must have sent her somewhere good. I admit that my pain comes from knowing that from now on, I will live in a world where I'll never get to hug her, see her, or ever talk to her again. I am angry at everyone, have a very hard time talking to my significant other as he has not been through something like this, and though it's not his fault, and I truly love him, I can't send any positive messages or be kind as I used to be. To sum up this post, I'm hurting and I'm scared. Scared of ruining my relationship. Scared of not being able to honor her memory as I should. Scared that I won't know how to pull myself together. I'm a strong person, but this pain seems like it's going to stick for a while. PLEASE tell me it gets better. And maybe offer some guidance on how not to mess up my relationship. Thank you for taking time to read this.
  22. Hi, I am totally new to this forum today. I have had a look around at other posts but not had a chance to respond to much yet. I intend to try to keep checking in here daily for the next while. Just to give everyone reading this some background and a timeline: I am a 41yr old female with one slightly younger brother and a lot of stepsiblings. My parents separate/divorced in about 1978 and had joint custody of us. My dad never remarried when we were children although he did live common law with a woman for several years up until I was 14. My mom remained single for a few years after the separation but then got remarried around 1984. My stepfather has 5 children from 2 previous marriages. 2011 - Unrelated to the cancer now, my mom started having vision problems which required a lot of travel to specialized medical centres as where she lives is not equipped. My mom and stepdad were in Vancouver so they could see an eye specialist for my mom. By the fall of this same year, my stepdad (quite overweight) had a series of massive strokes which led to him being removed from the house they lived in up to the hospital and then directly into full time care. My mom was unable to care for him herself due to his needs being more than she could accomplish, not to mention not being able to move him on her own. To complicate matters, she is also an alcoholic. She spiralled downwards at this point, heavily drinking and became verbally abusive to both my brother and myself. Neither of us lives in our hometown although we both live in the same province (but not the same cities as each other). Our family has had a very difficult time over the years reconciling the alcohol abuse of our mother and stepfather so we don't communicate very well or at all. It seems like my brother and I got out of the situation and both "ran for our lives", trying to forget it all and put it behind us. I have been to many counselling sessions since I was in my late teens, my brother has not (until recently). I love my mom (the bit where she wasn't drinking) but I couldn't deal with her verbal abuse so I stopped taking her calls in late 2011 through the beginning of 2012 until my brother called to ask me if I knew of her situation at home. Apparently she had deteriorated to the point where she could not function at home on her own, even with home care. She fell down the stairs while drinking and broke her arm. She was admitted to the hospital and the application for assisted living began. May 2012 - my boyfriend and I went to my hometown to help my mom but the entire time that we were there, she was still in the hospital so we couldn't get much done. My dad and his common law partner were still living in my hometown. My relationship with my dad is a fairly healthy one so he and his partner were a great help and comfort to me. June 2012 - my boyfriend and I went to my hometown to help my mother pack up her house and move into assisted living. She was reluctant but came to terms with the move and it seemed as if this solved some issues for my brother and myself. We thought that we wouldn't have to worry so much about her falling and so on. She had numerous incidents with alcohol that summer in her assisted living suite but it still seemed better. Fall 2012 - my mom shared with us that she had abnormal tests and there were cancerous cells so she was scheduled for a full hysterectomy in December 2012 Dec 2012 - my mom successfully had surgery and things were reported as stable and hopeful Jan 2013 - the tests showed that they were not able to stop the cancer growth and that it had spread to nearby lymph nodes so she would be starting chemo. This made my mom pretty sick but she went for a full course and then she was scheduled for radiation at another centre in a town about 8 hours away where she would live in the cancer care house for 6 weeks during treatment. Jun 2013 - my mom was in the last week of her radiation treatment when they shared the news with her that her cancer had metastisized in her spine/rib cage and they didn't think that even more aggressive treatment would help. My mom, from what I understand, also opted to not continue with more treatment at this time as she felt the chemo made her too sick. She went home to her assisted living. She told me her news over the phone while I was on my way home from a business trip from Edmonton. I just started a new position at my job in the spring and there is a degree of travel involved. Needless to say, I went into shock and didn't really process much for a few days. When I did, I cried a lot and then got practical. I should mention here that one of the good things is that the assisted living and full time care units are right next door to each other, enabling my mom and stepadad to see each other more frequently so this seems to be a good thing. The airfare to get here is fairly expensive for two people (over $1000) but driving would take about 2 days time. My workplace has been fairly understanding about my situation but I am still in a new job with a lot to learn, a lot of responsibility and not a whole lot of cross training. I feel conflicted about the job and spending time with my mom. On one hand, I want to spend time with her to ease my mind and hers, to a certain extent and I don't want to regret that I didn't make an effort after she dies but on the other hand, I will still have this job after she dies and I need to be able to focus on it more at times. This leads to me overextending myself and feeling so overwhelmed that I feel like EPIC FAIL. My partner has been trying his best to support me and he is doing a good job but there is a limit to what you can ask of someone else as well as what they can do. Sep/Oct 2013 - my partner and I went up north to see my mom for just over a week. She was in her assisted living suite still, looking frail but not as bad as I thought she might. It became clear that she was at the point where she would have to start thinking/deciding whether she would move to full time care. Her doctor, myself and the site manager all felt that it was important that she still make as many decisions for herself as possible. She chose to stay in her assisted living situation with home care a few times a day. It was a very difficult visit as the reality of the cancer and her death sentence became clear. Her doctor told me that he thought that she would likely go before Christmas. I left my hometown with half a mind that she might go before I could visit again. Nov 2013 - we went back up but this time only from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. She had fallen several times in the last 1-2 months since I had seen her last. A combination of the morphine, drinking episodes, and weakness/pain from the cancer. She had been admitted to the hospital and then moved to a room in the full time care unit but on a temporary respite basis as they felt she needed extra attention and that her home care attendants needed a small break. Neither my brother nor myself feel that it would be wise to apply for the compassionate care leave to be her primary caretaker. Myself, I don't feel like I would have the expertise or patience needed. My brother and mother were barely on speaking terms until about a month ago. I try very hard to keep in touch with my mom and be there for her but she can be a very demanding, mean spirited and difficult person to be around. This is partially the alcohol, partially a very insecure personality, and partially the pain. Whatever it is though, there are times when it's best if we are not around each other. In some ways, she looks better but in others I can see the decline in her health again. The site manager (also a school friend of mine) tells me that they can leave the room that she is in open for her (if she chooses to stay there) as a palliative care room until the end. This might be a good thing as she is starting to leave bills unpaid and so on. She gets confused hourly but they still deem her of enough sound mind to make her own decision. I feel the same way somewhat although I am encouraging her to consider staying in the room that she is in. There is so much more company and help here although it does limit her freedom somewhat and she is not near her home, which is important to her. Emotional side - I wish that I felt that I could stay with her and help so she could stay in her apartment but I feel like I cannot. I am still working, it's really busy this time of the year for me as I am in a management transportation planning position at a courier type company. As I said earlier, my boss is pretty good so I have some option to work from home on some days which is good because I am pretty prone to random crying. I looked up cumulative stress symptoms http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm and found that I matched literally every symptom. I constantly forget things, I cry a lot, I have gained weight then lost it, I am sometimes not hungry and other times starving, irritable, anxious, have sleep issues, headaches, agitation/sense of not being able to function and so on. In order to manage all this, I have started going back to the gym, riding my bike more (which I love), going for weekly massage, and counselling. It all helps at the time but then when I am feeling really low, it's like I am all alone in this and nobody can possibly understand how I am feeling. There are so many emotions attached to this kind of thing. Guilt because I want this to end so I can start planning my life again and I am not in this limbo. Sadness because I want my mom to be better when I know that is not possible and even if she was better there would be other issues. Anger because I feel pressured from others to do what they THINK I should do or people think they are helping by telling me "It's all for the best" when no, it really isn't. Also, many people feel because she was a horrible person at times when drinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing or giving as much as I am. I don't see the sense in that and think, down the road, I will only feel worse for not doing all that I can which I am. I know that I am doing the best that I can do. It was really sad though the other day because my mom said to me "One of the worst things about this now is that she doesn't want to die. She doesn't want to miss out on life events. She wants to get old". My partner and I were going to try for a late life baby (she has no grandkids from my brother or I) but now doesn't seem the time and it will also be made harder by all the stress. She will miss that if I do. We have been thinking about getting married but again she won't be there. My brother doesn't seem to be able to find his peace so there is that driving us all apart. I feel like it's too much stress for me and my partner. I hope we make it through this. I don't want to overburden him (or anyone) but I also don't want to run around telling everone "Hey, my mom is dying" or crying with strangers. I want to tell people so they will cut me a temporary break (either at home or work) but that doesn't alway work as some people have a different view of appropriate behaviour when dealing with family members dealing with anticipatory grief. I think that a lot of people who have not had to cope with this don't understand the level of grieving happening even now prior to her death and how that won't change how I feel *after* her death. Gah, sorry this is very long but apparently I had a lot to say. I hope to offer support and comfort to others going through this now as well as gain some insight into how others are dealing with it. If nothing else, just band together and we can all hope for a better tomorrow. Peace!
  23. It's been over a year since my Aunt Lisa has passed, but I have now come to the point of realizing she isn't with us any longer . She was like a second mother to me . She passed very suddenly . I have very poor coping skills, and as a recovered addict, I fear a relapse . If anyone could tell me what has helped them get though the grieving it would be really helpful .
  24. My mother killed herself 6 months ago. she was unhappy for quite some time and used to take a lot of prescription medication which i'm sure made her problems worse. I often called her therapist to explain why she needed them and to see if it would be better she tried something else cause i believe medication doesn't solve problems it just suppresses them but he was adamant she needed them, said she had a chemical imbalance which medication was needed for... Anyway she suffered from paranoia, depression, she would spend days in her room sometimes and cry at nothing. I tried to help her. I begged her to see a different therapist I found who was meant to be really good, I tried talking myself to her and trying to make her realise how much she had to live for. Sometimes I really thought I was getting through to her because she would suddenly understand what i'm saying and cry and apologise for neglecting us (my father, 10 year old brother and myself) and then for a while she would be ok, more normal. But she always fell back into her depression. I felt so helpless. She became a little reclusive and would lock the door on us and not open no matter how hard we banged. My dad once broke the door down and she was just sitting and putting her make up on. She killed herself on April 22nd after a period of us thinking she was in a good place. She took all her pills, so many and died in her sleep of an overdose. My dad found her, he didn't want us to see but my brother did. I didn't really react. Everyone was in a panic calling the ambulance and I just sat there. I didn't go see her. I think I was in shock I dunno. They took her body away and my father went with them. I stayed with my little brother who cried and cried. It broke my heart to see him so upset but I couldn't cry. I felt like I should but I just couldn't. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare and was waiting to wake up. At the funeral I felt the same until they lifted the coffin before they lowered her in the ground. I couldn't look but had too. I didn't see my mother there. Just a body. But not my mum. Its been 6 months now and my dad is a mess. My little brother is young and although is very sad will get past it eventually. After I passed the shock all I felt was an intense anger. Im so angry she left us. I'm so angry she left little Tommy who needs caring after, he's 10... I'm angry because my dad is a broken man, once so strong. She gave up on us and didn't fight for her family. Thats how I feel and i'm ashamed to feel that way but I can't help it. I feel it was a cop out. An easy way out. The way of the weak who would rather give up than fight. I cant help feeling so angry. I feel betrayed. Only writing this is the first time I feel so so sad. Since it's happened all i've felt is anger and sorrow for my dad and a need to be strong to now protect him and my little brother but I don't think I can be strong anymore. I'm slowly falling apart. I take drugs which keep me numb and have started doing things i regret, letting myself get out of control, partying, drinking, taking things to the extreme. I feel angry at myself for doing it and I know it sounds crazy but i feel its the only thing which keeps me strong for my family and i have a need to take care of them now. But I am suffering and on a very self-destructive path which i dont know how much longer i can keep up. i know i need help but I cannot tell my dad. He would be overcome with worry that im following in her footsteps. And although I think suicide is the biggest betrayal maybe im a hypocrite because maybe deep down thats what i want for myself. Sometimes its all too tough. Putting on 'the face' and 'the act' around people is exhausting me. I dont know what to do and how to cope. Everything is falling apart. its 2am sunday night and im totally high, coked up by myself, thats probably the only reason im opening up. i had it in my flat from the weekend and couldnt resist even though i told myself no. I have responsibilities tomorrow and cannot fall apart now. my dad needs me and most importantly tommy, who i love more than anything. please someone give me advice. i need to find a way to cope with this because im heading down a very self destructive path and i cant cause my family further grief but im suffering too which i think they forget cause im the strong one, the one they turn too. i need help. i really hope someone sees this and understands cause i cant talk to anyone else about it. if you read that all i thank you and in advance thank you if you respond.