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Found 14 results

  1. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  2. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  3. Hi! Much like many other people here I've lost my entire world, my highly unique half-wild cat, about three weeks ago to an acute attack of CKD. We've been inseparable since she was a 3-weeks-old street cat and I was an abused lonely 13-year-old. I know she's not here anymore, I grieve while doing pretty much anything since I did all I ever done with her in mind. The world has nothing else for me and I've contemplated suicide nonstop ever since she was taken from me. For a specific reason (that I'll keep to myself) I'm still here in this empty dark world but highly depressed, hateful towards life and desperately trying to find anything that'd let me know that I will see her and be with her again one day, most likely when I die myself. I had dreams about her so far and while I'm unbelievably happy to see her (in her healthy, energetic, cheerful, playful and wild self) in those dreams, I have no clue if they're just my destroyed and deeply wounded mind pointlessly trying to get me back on my feet or if they're more than just illusions and meaningless images. I'm not functioning at all and all my life has come to a halt and I simply cannot see myself dealing or coping even a little bit and due to social and family issues I'm not going to a mental health professional, so between my cries and periods of simply sitting around staring at something and just be shocked, hoping that I'd find a ray of hope, I'm reading and listening to all the opinions or experiences I can find to convince myself that this is not by any means the end of us two and since most of those around me are not supportive at all even to the point of being intentionally abusive, I'm making this topic to see what you guys think about it all or if you have any experiences about what happens to animals especially cats and dogs when they leave. And do you think we will see them and be with them again and if yes how and if you don't mind how did you come to believe in your theory? And while we're at it, some people around me told me to do things that'll make her happy if she was aware of them, but the only thing my cat wanted from me ever other than tending to her needs was for me to just sit somewhere near her and just watch her. She hated the idea of other animals in the house too which is confusing me whether helping other in-need cats/dogs would make her happy at all. So what do you think might make her happy for me to do? P.S.: I'm definitely miserable but I'm a 28-year-old too so please spare me from the Rainbow Bridge story. Personally, I'm irreligious but please, feel free to let us know what you think or believe whether you're an atheist or religious.
  4. I lost my mom 3 months ago to lung cancer.. One day she was home and getting better, then 4 days later she was gone.. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I'm have an extremely hard time coping. It seems like the more time that passes, the more it hurts. I find myself dreading getting out of bed, having anxiety being around people even my husband or family members, and having thoughts of hurting myself frequently..
  5. Let me start off by saying these past two years have been filled with struggles I could have never even imagined. I lost my first love to a motorcycle accident 2 years ago. Michael and I were together for 4 and a half years before he passed, so losing him was like losing my other half. I am 23 now of course 21 at the time. At this age you want to plan your life and he is who I saw in my future and who all of my hopes and dreams were tied to. Michael and I had an amazing relationship so when he passed I was crushed. I have gone through every form of grieving I can imagine almost to the point that sometimes I catch myself trying to block out memories because my Heart has already FELT so much with this whole whirlwind of the last 2 years. I have really truly been trying to find positivity and think of him for all of the wonderful memories instead of the feeling I felt the night I found out he was taken from me. After 2 years of coming to terms with him never coming back I am now facing another struggle. I am falling for a man by the name of Jordan despite my effort to try and push everyone away. Jordan was there for me a few months after Michael had passed really as a shoulder to lean on and a friend with a listening ear. He knew I wanted nothing more than to just be heard. Jordan actually knew Michael and also missed him dearly. Well, after some time, I slowly started to fall for this new guy that has helped pull me out of the darkness. He went from being a friend to being someone I truly felt I could be myself around. Someone that saw me at my darkest and cared for me anyways. The difficulty of this whole situation is telling Michaels parents that I am movin forward. I never want to move "on" as I will never replace Michael with anyone, but for my own sanity I do need to move forward to the best of my ability, and I think I have finally found happiness with this man. I am just struggling with figuring out how to bring it up to Michaels family that I have found new love. His family has clung to me since his passing because I am so similar to him, and they feel when I'm close that he is as well. I just don't know how they will take this news. All of this stress has really brought a lot of worry and anxiety onto me. My poor boyfriend now has been so patient and has been dealing with being kind of kept a secret for some time now. I don't think that's fair. I think he deserves to be shown off, but I don't want to break the parents heart when they find out I have found new love. I'm tired of stressing and I'm tired of feeling guilty and crying on my own about this. I want to tell his family but I would be heartbroken if they no longer wanted anything to do with me. I don't know how to go about this situation. I know that if I lost a child it would be extremely hard hearing that the person my child last loved has found someone new. Please please please someone guide me in doing the right thing and finding a way to tell them. I want nothing more than to just have this weight lifted. I care too deeply about everyone to ever want to hurt them. I miss Michael every single day and I just want them to know I will ALWAYS love him, but I have to be loved at some point too. I'm so sorry for the novel. I just didn't know where else to turn at this point. Nobody around me can relate seeing as I lost the man I wanted to marry at such a young age. Being 23 now I don't feel any wiser about how to deal with this kind of situation. Below I attached some photos I hold close to my heart with my guardian angel
  6. Just lost my sister

    Hello everyone, I've never done this before, so I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do, so Ill just share my experience with you. I'm 22 years old and I just lost my 27 year old sister two days ago. She overdosed, and it's hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. She made it to the hospital, but suffered severe brain damage. Shortly thereafter, her organs started to fail. I left work and rushed to the hospital, which was two hours away, to say goodbye. I don't think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw her when I got there, and when I did, a feeling of unreality set in. This feeling hasn't gone away since. I broke down when I saw her lying there, it was a horrifying sight that I'd never wish on anybody. The thing is, after that moment, I've felt like my life has turned into some type of sad movie, with my family and friends playing the characters. Maybe my mind is using this idea as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation, im not sure. I feel like my normal life has been replaced with my sisters death. What I mean is my life now consists of me doing pointless tasks and having pointless conversations for no reason other than filling time and fruitlessly distracting me from the fact of her death. It feels as if her death IS my life now. Hopefully I'm making sense! I find myself trying to figure this situation out, as if it were a math equation. I constantly feel confused and distant, and I hate it. What happened to everything that was, just two days ago? Does everyone go through this? Will this go away? I know it's still very fresh, two days is not a very long time to grieve, but I'm not sure if I have even accepted it! I saw her take her last breath, I SAW it. I heard the doctor pronounce her dead, yet I can't shake this feeling that she's gonna show up and say "gotcha!" And start laughing so hard she starts to snort. I'm afraid that I feel too distant to reality, and I'll fall further down the rabbit hole. It's like I have two totally conflicting thought processes going through my mind simultaneously. I'm constantly thinking about her death, but I'm not fully ready to accept that it's the truth. Is this a normal experience? I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you. vince
  7. It is what it is

    I've lost my best friend. . My security blanket. . Where does anyone go from here ....
  8. Hi everyone, This is my first time posting here or really talking to anyone who might understand what I'm going through.... But here is a quick back story: I'm a 20 year old girl, with a 22 year old brother (who moved out almost a year ago), a dad, and my grandparents. (We all live in a house together aside from my brother). I lost my mom 2 years ago to cancer. At her funeral, instead of being there for me, most of my extended family pretty much drilled it into me that I have to be there for my dad and grandparents and I have to take care of them and take my moms place and be everyones rock. I'm almost certain my dad isn't aware of people saying this to me. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, poor communication and he is very hard headed and tough to talk to. Anyway, I'm having a fear of being stuck here and not being able to live my life. And I'm not sure if that makes me selfish. I want to go out and explore the world and travel and maybe move to another state or at least go for an extended time and figure myself out. I am so lost in life and need time to figure out what I want. And I can't seem to do that here. I just want to go. But I'm so scared of leaving my dad. I'm scared if I leave he's just going to be alone and I'd hurt him and I don't want to do that. As rough as our relationship is, I love my dad. But I don't want to continue being unhappy here. I'm so scared I'm going to be stuck here doing the same thing, day in and day out and not knowing what I want in life if I don't leave. But I just don't want to hurt him. I have no idea what to do..... Is there anyone who has gone through something similar or is feeling the same way or just has any advice in general? None of my friends understand because they have both parents, who would have each other if they left.
  9. Never really speak about it openly since I really have no one but my little brother was killed by a drunk driver 8 months ago. I don't know what to do anymore. He was always making me smile, I want to see him and talk to him. When it happened, I felt my whole life crumble in front of my face. Every vision I had in life, he was there. I am not really worried about happiness anymore, but I do have to live with this pain forever. How do I did it? It hurts to know I will never see him again. It's driving me crazy!!!! Plus, I am still in college, and now I have no aim, no direction. He was always guiding me. I hate this. I want him back!! I feel like people don't like being around me either because I have become so negative about life. I haven't really had many friends in the past few years, so that doesn't help. I am a lonely lost mess without him and I just really really miss him!! I need guidance, someone tell me what I should do. I have even considered dropping college.
  10. My partner is currently going through a grieving process and undertaking professional help following the suicide of his ex partner. The event happened at the very start of our relationship almost a year ago and he has been in denial and pushed it to one side for some time in order to not have to deal with it. We have been together for a year now and we have both admittedly been in denial as to what happened. He said it wasn't hurting him, or causing him guilt and I was happy to to believe this, but we both knew it wasn't true. Today he will start his first class with a professional to talk through what he is going through. Is anybody going through the same thing? Its the hardest thing to see someone hurt so much and know that I need to give him space and understand its not something he can talk to me about. (Talking about it has caused huge difficulties and at times pushed him to feel that we would need to separate in order for him to deal with it.) More than anything I want him to be happy and deal with all the pain he is feeling, and I want to be there for him when and if he needs me. I can't bear the thought that he could decide that he feels we can no longer be together if he is going to deal with this, I don't want him to push away the people that he loves and who love him unconditionally.
  11. I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant clearly. I thought I had been for awhile but didn't think it could be possible I can remember thinking no I wouldn't be that lucky. Then I decided to do a test it said I was pregnant but just to be sure I thought I'd do another five tests all of them said I was preganant. I was gob-smacked I stared down at those two pink lines in disbelief I had to ask my partner if I was seeing things and he said no honey they are there those two little pink lines are there your pregnant!. Hearing those words was like music to my ears I was overwelmed. Everything was going so well I hardly no problems with the pregnancy what so ever I didn't even have morning sickness I was only sick a couple of times when the baby didn't like something. Which is why me going into labour so early was such a shock. I was 23 weeks roughly I remember I was concerned about the leaking I was experiencing. So on my break at work I called my midwife team told them all about it and my concerns. It was like someone had punched me in the chest and winded me when the midwife said " I don't want you to panic but you do have to phone your nearest hospital's labour ward and get down there immediatly you could be in early labour". I was panicking I didn't know what to do so while the people I worked with tried to calm me down my boss phoned my partner to get him to come and take me to the nearest hospital's labour ward. So as soon as he came we went to the hospital booked into the labour ward explained what was wrong and waited in the waiting room. The wait was agonising I wanted them to hurry up I want them to tell me if there was anything wrong or not was I to expect the worse or was everything ok. With a billion and one thoughts running through my head they called us in. They ran some checks I was okay my blood preasure and everything was okay so was the baby's heartbeat. It was until the did a scan that they realised the membrains or something were outside of the womb I'm a 100% sure what they ment but by the way they were talking I knew it was bad. So they admitted me to the labour ward had my bed on a angle with my feet pointing up, my head pointing down in hope to get the membrains back in the womb naturally without force because they didn't want to break my waters when it wasn't time for them to go. They were hoping to only keep me in for alittle while but after discussing the situation with many different doctors in the end they decided to keep me. I was on bed rest and given an injection in my leg to strengthen the baby's lungs should the worst happen. And I was due have the same injection the next day. But on July 4th 2013 at around 11 or 11:30 am after coughing my waters broke. I won't lie I panicked big time didn't know what to do. I was alone my partner was on his way up with clothes for me anyway but I phoned him to inform him what was going on. The nurses said no to panick too much perhaps they have broken but I'm not in labour. Oh how much I wished that to be true but something told me that the worst was going to happen. I was having uncomfortable stomach cramps which were obviously contractions but I partly didn't want to believe that they were. I was scared I was alone I have the nurses but not my partner he was on his way. Oh how I wish he would hurry up but right then the nurses came in to check on me did what they had to do to see how dilated I was. The baby's started to enter the birth canal they said there's nothing we can do to stop it your in labour now. What!? I'm not ment to it's too early I remember saying .They told me to push when I was supposed to push, I can't my partner isn't here yet is there anyway we can delay it till he's here I remember asking. But they said there wasn't anytime they couldn't do anything. So I did as I was told and I pushed it hurt like crazy but I had to push. I pushed 3 times and nothing then on the 4th push she came out a beautiful baby girl. She cried when she came out the nurses were gob-smacked they weren't expected her to be alive when she came out I suppose. They called a bunch of doctors to come a reaccess the situation. They should there watching I felt like I was on trial for something. The decision for whether or not they should put my daughter on the machines was in their hands. I held my breath wanting to scream, shout anything to make them listen to tell them to help her. But they simply shoke their heads and walked out of the room to carry on with their day. I want to scream to shout to hit them but I was in shock tired angry, upset. Then this little bundle was handed to me by a nurse who then said she was sorry she wished there was more she could do. A lot was said by the nurses but what they said became mumbles I wasn't paying attenion I was busy looking at my beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh-Marie. I decided to ignore the fact I was angry I didn't want her last memory of me to be someone who was shouting and making a fuss. I knew I didn't have long with her so I wanted to use that time wisely. I remember saying quietly and calmly it's okay mummy's here it's okay your safe. She trying hard to keep breathing love her, her little cheast was going up and down trying to breathing as much she could. She seemed scared very scared her head moving about frantically probably wondering where she was but as soon as I spoke she seemed more relaxed. And even know her eyes weren't open when she calmed down she moved her head towards me as though she was looking up at me. That's right mummy's here its alright as soon as I said that her tiny hands wrapped round my little finger as though she was saying I know your there mummy. Daddy will be here soon if you could just hang on he'll be here and just as I said that she moved her head as if she was looking round the room for him. Then her head moved back towards me her little hand not letting go of my little finger once. I felt as though we were frozen in that moment just then as she lay there looking up at me even though her eyes weren't able to open. Then all of a sudden that moment seemed to be shattered when her breathing seemed to slow right down. This can't be happening I kept repeating in my head not my little girl. I froze I had never felt so powerless so unable to do something in my entire life. This had to be some horrible nightmare I was in surely I was going to wake up soon and everything would be ok. I could not have been more wrong she was gone, my beautiful angel Nevaeh-Marie was gone. I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face I'm not usually one to cry infront of people but that day I didn't care my baby was gone and the floods of tears were never ending. My partner was on his way but didn't know I had given birth the nurses asked if I wanted them to notify family but I wanted to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell my partner myself so I phoned his mother and asked if she would tell him. She always passed on bad news really well to him when told about things like that by his mother he didn't freak out or lash out but when told by someone else he would I couldn't chance that. Shortly after he arrived at the hospital the nurse opened the door to him and floods of tears came over me like a waterfall I couldn't stop apologising to him even though he couldn't understand why I was apologising. For awhile we just laid there the three of us hugging. The nurse took pictures for us to remember her by. My dad then came to the hospital my partner had rung him while he was at work love him he came straight from work to be at the hospital for us. That day was the first day I had seen my dad cry he kept repeating how sorry he was and hugging me holding me tight. Then a few more of the family members from my dad's side came that day was the first day I had seen my brother cry too. That day was beautiful as well as horrible beautiful as we were blessed with beautiful baby girl. And horrible because she was taken away from us. I haven't been right since christmas isn't that far away now and I have never disliked this time of year so much before. This would have been her first christmas with her family it still will be but not the way we would like to be like. Each day brings new challenges some days are easier than others and some are harder than others. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep smiling or even to smile at all
  12. 9/27/13 at around 5 pm I lost my mom. She had her gallbladder removed Tuesday, and I had been taking care of her since then. She was fine and lucid and could do a lot of things on Wednesday, so I thought she would recover quickly as she did tend to do. But a lot of friends and family members told me it would be worse on the third day so I thought I was prepared. The doctor told me to get her up every 2 hours for a small walk. But Thursday I couldn't get her to move. It seemed like she was just tired and had maybe had too much medicine so I cut back on her medicine because she said she wasn't hurting. Thinking it would get out of her system and clear her head. So I let her sit all day. Friday I KNEW she needed to get up. She needed a shower and she needed to change clothes. After about an hour of me and one of her friends trying to get her up she finally got up. I sat her on the shower chair and bathed her and when we were done she leaned against her bed like she wanted to rest, but then she fell backwards and started throwing up brown stuff. I called an ambulance but they didn't get there in time. I don't know what to do. I'll be 20 in December and I'm so confused and so angry. She was the only parent I've ever had. She adopted me as a single parent when I was two months old and she was forty two. I've lost my grandparents and uncle within the last five years, and I thought it would be fine as long as I had my mom, but now I feel so lost.
  13. Hi everyone. I just found this forum and joined because I read some other posts that sound the same way I am feeling. I guess I will begin by telling you about my dad's story. It is hard to relive it by writing this, but I wanted to share it with anyone who would like to hear it. My dad (Denny) had been battling with end-stage liver disease for over eleven years. Since the transplant list in Colorado was very long and slow moving, my dad was referred to Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. As my dad got sicker and sicker, his score still remained the same. We knew he needed a new liver asap. It was very hard to watch my dad suffer so much. My dad has always had a positive outlook on life, even through all the pain and suffering. He would never complain about his illness. My dad enjoyed helping out others. He would collect canned food and donations outside for those less fortunate. He also would insist on having his grandchildren over to play all day long even on his worst days. He would never miss an ice skating lesson either. My dad never let any of these obstacles get the best of him. He remained happy and positive throughout the many years of suffering. He is and will always be my hero! Finally in June of 2011 he was #1 on the transplant list, he was in the best shape physically and mentally. While in Atlanta my dad became seriously ill after taking a bad fall the day before his scheduled surgery. He was hospitalized and deactivated from the transplant list and sent back to Colorado to heal. We didn't think he would get called again for the transplant, but The transplant team called my dad on Friday February 18th 2012 and was told he was #1 again and to be in Atlanta by Tuesday the 21st of February 2012. Our family was happy, nervous, shocked. We new this was it! My dad was going to come home with a new liver! On February 27th, a donor gave my dad the gift of life. He recieved a new liver. The next day, he was like a new man. It was truly AMAZING! He was talking and he looked great. Then, about 3 days later something went wrong. The bile duct came apart and he had to have it rebuilt in a 2nd surgery. He then had trouble getting the bleeding to stop. He has been in ICU for 3 days and til the doctors saw an improvement. We were all shocked that this was happening. My mom, brother and I stayed at the hospital for hours and hours and days. Just when we thought he was improving, the doctors found internal bleeding and had to try and stop it so they performed a 3rd surgery and he was back in ICU again. We thought for sure there could be no more complications at that point. But yes, there were. He was rushed into the OR for a 4th surgery. The doctors found internal bleeding again and were able to stop it. After that last surgery his vitals were all very good and in very stable condition. He was so extremely weak. My dad's blood levels were going up, his toxicity going down. Moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed multiple times a day to start building strength back. His color was coming back. All the doctors were amazed that he had made it. They called him "The marathon man" After months of physical therapy, we were on our way back home to Colorado. It was the happiest time for our family and friends. Unfortunatley the happiness would not last very long . My dad continued his rehab and he was working out at the gym every day. He had a couple rough days, but overall he was well on his way to a normal life. His immune system was low because of all the medications he had to take daily for life. While at the gym he banged his leg on a piece of equiptment. He started having multiple complications for a few months after banging his leg. It appeared he had some horrible reactions to the antibiotics needed to heal his wounded leg. It got to a point where even the doctors were baffled as to why he was getting so sick making it hard for them to help him. To make a long story short, my mom and I got a phone call on Christmas Eve. The woman on the phone said to me, “Your father is dying." I was in shock!! We called the ambulance and had him admitted into The University of Colorado Hospital. While in the ICU, we were told my dad had 24-48 hours to live and had to make a decision to either try to keep him going which would involve many more moments of suffering or to simply be put out of the pain and to end it in comfort. It was the hardest day/moment of our lives. My dad asked me to please let him go. I wanted to say NO dad, but that wouldn't have been fair of me. So we allowed him to make his own courageous decision. He was suffering too much. So I said goodbye and let him go. We took our turns one by one saying our goodbyes. They then moved my dad to the 12th floor of the hospital. (A floor reserved for minor illnesses and falls). We stayed by his side in a nice room with a view of the mountains bringing him anything he wanted, making him as comfortable as possible. My dad’s birthday was New Year’s Eve so we threw a party for him in his hospital room, with cake, music, crystals & movies. The doctors were all so shocked that my dad was still here with a strong pulse, perfect vitals but still a failing liver and kidneys. I truly believe that we were given that extra time for the beautiful reason of family connection as his sisters even got a chance to fly in from California & New Jersey. He was surrounded by so much LOVE, family, and peace. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, we watched movies and played his favorite musical albums. He even had a large Quartz cluster at the foot of his bed brightening up the room with a lovely vibration. It was great! He was almost able to communicate with us up until his final hours. He was not scared or worried about passing but instead comfortable and ready for his adventure ahead of him. We told him how many people were sending prayers to him online and he’d smile knowing that his friends all were thinking of him. As painful as it was to watch him fade away slowly each day we stayed there day & night and had slumber parties to pass the time as joyful as possible. My brother and I never left his side. We wanted to be with him when he passed over. My brother went outside for 5 minutes (as he was drawing "Denny Lane" in the snow) my dad passed away with only me by his side on (1/11/13) at 6pm a day that brought a peaceful blizzard of snow out of nowhere. From the 12th Floor overlooking the Rockies it was a spectacle. Our dad was a true fighter and never gave up, he made a courageous decision knowing that he had nothing but suffering ahead for himself and his family. He was full of LOVE and compassion, he was extremely generous and was a very hard worker all of his life. He was a special soul and touched so many lives. We are so lucky to have had him as our dad. My dad was my best friend. We saw each other everyday. I sometimes think that because we were so close, this has made his death so much harder. He was a loving dad, husband, papa, and friend to many. His life was about PEACE, LOVE and COMPASSION. He lived a life of kindness and generosity and aimed to inspire others to live the same way. He encouraged my brother and myself to follow our dreams and always supported us. He was a wonderful husband who was happily married to our mom for 36 years I am not quite sure how to use this forum yet, but I will try my best. I will make a post next on what is going on in my family's lives since my dad is gone. It is just me, my older brother, and my mom (who suffers from depression, anxiety, substance abuse, attempted suicide) left. I never imagined that life could get much worse, but everyday is a struggle. Thank you all for reading this long post.
  14. I lost the love of my life October 21, 2012. I feel like im dying without him, to me there's not point to being here anymore without him. On the Sunday of him passing he crashed his motorcycle and hit a light pole/then pavement. It hurts me that I wasn't there for him, and I couldn't say goodbye or anything to help him out when he's always been there for me, always helped me out. I hate my life without him. Why would something so horrible happen to someone so wonderful. Things don't happen for a reason, what could this reasoning be? I couldn't even see him after the crash. No closure, no anything. Just memories are all I have and I don't even want them, I want him. I hate that we had to cremate him, to think of the love of you life, your fiance, your best friend/soul mate, long term boyfriend, everything MY LIFE...burning away, it literally kills me. How can I be so positive about any of this we were inseparable for 6 years of my life, always together at each other's hip. To me, I honestly don't feel like going on...everyday get's worse, I'm still in shock. Every day just gets more real and more painful to know that I'll never see him again, touch him, kiss him, hear him...anything.