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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Found 4 results

  1. Joyless

    I used to love Christmas. Now it hurts to see people being happy. Last night I snapped my favourite Christmas music CDs in half. If it wouldn't be completely selfish, I'd tear down the tree and cancel Christmas altogether. I've become someone I don't recognize with so much bitterness inside. Our son took his own life in October. We had no idea he was so at risk. I knew he was troubled and was trying to get him to talk to me... but then he pulled the plug. Talking is no longer possible. It's beginning to look like he was fighting an addiction to either cocaine or ecstasy, and he was ashamed to let us know the truth. Family is the most important thing in the world to me and now mine is forever broken. The pain is real and physical in my throat and chest. It goes away sometimes, but mostly I hurt. How are you coping with this season of joy? For those who have survived more than one Christmas, is there anything that helped you get through? Thank you.
  2. I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll tell my story in a nutshell. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer this past summer. He was diagnosed in mid-June and was gone by the end of July. I still can't believe how quickly everything progressed. I was lucky to be able to spend a lot of time with him before he passed, but I am angry that he (and our family) was cheated out of quality time. After his emergency surgery (during which the cancer was discovered), he changed. It was like he had started checking out already. In retrospect, I realize that this is part of the dying process, as he knew his illness was terminal. The doctors kept assuring us that he'd have quality time before he passed - that he could do the things he loved again - but that didn't happen. During his last couple days, his sense of humor did return, and that was such a gift. It made saying goodbye a little easier. He was surrounded by family as he passed, and I feel blessed to have been there with him, holding his hand and comforting him in his last moments. I miss him terribly. Since his passing, I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I talk to my mom daily, and keep in touch with other relatives via Facebook, email, etc. We had a beautiful celebration of life for my dad, and it was very healing. Now that the holidays are here, I feel like I am back to square one. We are going to have to figure out how to celebrate and enjoy Christmas without my dad. He was the life of the party, organizer (and rule follower) of holiday game nights, and lover of traditional English Christmas music. We had decided as a family (before my dad's illness) that we would have an early or late Christmas this year, simply to avoid the holiday travel nightmares. We stuck with our decision, but now I am second guessing that choice. Many grief sites advise changing traditions after a loved one has passed, so I guess it isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just hard to adjust to the fact that it's my first (and only) Christmas in 37 years that I have not been in my home state with my family AND my first Christmas without my dad. I know that my husband and I will have a lovely Christmas at home, and I am trying to honor my dad's memory by enjoying the season the way he would have wanted. Now on to some things that are really making me angry lately. I feel selfish admitting them, but I need to vent. First of all, does anyone else who has lost someone to cancer get really mad at TV ads for cancer hospitals? I realize that the ads are promoting a sense of hopefulness (which is certainly not a bad thing), and I am truly happy that there are some people who have beat cancer and live a full and healthy life after a diagnosis. However, some of the wording in those ads really makes me mad! There was one just today where a man is talking about his battle, and says "I didn't give up. I didn't let cancer win." Oh yeah? Well my dad didn't give up either. He was the most non-giving-up person I have ever known in my life. The implication that people who die of cancer have given up really eats me up inside. My dad's body was destroyed by cancer and the type of cancer he had was untreatable. How such a strong and energetic man got so weak so quickly is still shocking to me. He DID NOT GIVE UP. Another thing that makes me angry/frustrated is that I feel like people around me don't get that I am not finished grieving (and will never be finished). As I mentioned before, I'm having a hard time with the holidays. Over the past month or so, I have made a couple of Facebook posts referring to missing my dad during the holidays. This is terribly selfish and petty, I know... but I get upset if I don't get enough comments or likes on those posts. I realize that with the crazy settings Facebook has set up - not everybody will even see my posts or have the opportunity to comment. I don't feel like I'm "looking for sympathy" (though maybe I am), but I like to post little memories about my dad...or pictures of us together. It helps me. Well it helps until I start feeling like nobody cares. Like why did 40 people like or comment on somebody's stupid post of a cat riding a Roomba, but I only got 2 comments on my post about missing my dad? Aside from Facebook, I have had several people make comments that anger me as well. Again, it seems very selfish - but here goes. A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers (who knows the full story of my dad's illness/passing) was going on and on and on about how horrible her year was because her accountant and her aunt's friend died. I don't mean to diminish another person's grief, and maybe she was very close to these people - I don't know. However, the entire time she was going on and on about her worst year ever, I felt so angry. Knowing all too well how it feels to lose somebody, I listened to her story and offered sympathy, but walked away feeling like she shouldn't have dared to tell me, of all people, about her awful year. I feel very guilty for having felt this way, but I can't help how I felt. That felt GOOD to get out. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am so happy to have found this forum. I look forward to sharing my journey and being a part of others' journeys as well.
  3. Christmas Traditions

    I'm having a hard time today with tomorrow being Thanksgiving, not because of tomorrow but because after tomorrow all the Christmas starts. She was here last Christmas. I've been thinking a lot about her stocking. I don't know what to do with it. I'm going to hang it with everyone else's, but I can't stare at it empty, and I can't stare at it full...anyone have thoughts on this?
  4. I feel guilty?

    I lost my mom on the 6th and today I decided that we (My brother, my dad and I) should put up Christmas decorations..just the outside, window and little figures my mom always put up because tomorrow my aunt and cousins are coming over to do the tree. As I was looking for all the things to put outside I started to get really sad and teared up. I don't think i'll be able to do the Christmas tree this year and every time I mention it my dad gets angry at me and tells me to change my attitude... my attitude by the way is upset and negative. I dislike how he's telling me to change it... my mom just died, I think i'm entitled to be upset about it and not be in the Christmas spirit. Anyways, on top of this I'm sick and I keep hoping that it kills me.. and then there's a part that hopes it doesn't and I tried to tell my dad it feels like my heart is breaking (I have a pain in my chest..probably from the cold) and he got mad and upset with me. I know it's because he's worried but like, I always told my mom about this stuff and now she's gone and I figured I could tell him about it and I can't. So..like, what do I do? I feel guilty because I know I'm hurting my dad with these thoughts and feelings and I know he wants me to be happy but I can't act happy. The worst part is tomorrow when we do the tree the time will come to put the turtle doves up and I don't have my mom to do that wit. ..I guess what I'm asking is should I just pretend to be okay so I don't upset my dad? And should I just put the tree up even though it feels like it'll kill me?