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Found 46 results

  1. Lost my beloved cat to tumor

    Hello Yesterday i lost my most beloved Ainy (Female persian, 4 yrs old). She was the most kindest and the most lively cat i have ever seen. She was my source of calmness and happiness in my life. i bought her when she was 1.5 months old after i had lost my male cat of 1.5 years to a terrible poisonous bit by an insect. I dont think I’ve ever fallen so bad for an animal, with her multicolor eyes always filled with curiosity, her tiny meow, her gorgeous face and majestic whiskers, her beautiful ears. She helped me through my hectic work days, exam nights by staying up with me. I didnt know i will lose it all in a month. a month ago, while patting her tummy I discovered a lump. Took her to the vet, got the xrays done, they diagnosed her with a tumor growing of a size of a tennis ball near her liver. They refused to operate and gave her a maximum a year. We had no other option but to cherish her. Days went by, she started to get attached to us more and more, even though carrying that tumor inside her not once did she showed us signs she was in pain. But today i knew she was in a terrible amount of pain and she didnt show it to us. A week ago, her body started to deteriorate, she became skiny and her tummy was growing increasingly, but the will in her to live kept her going. Vet finally agreed operate her after her blood tests report showed that she was still in good condition. Yesterday, i kissed her last time as they took her inside the operation theater. After 10 mins, they called me inside to make the toughest decision of my life so far. They showed me my precious Ainy all cut open with massive tumor. The vet showed my tiny tumors growing on her liver but gave me hope that she can survive and the massive tumor can be removed. I asked the vet to continue and stood there inside watching her. After an hour long of operation, they removed the tumor size of 3 tennis balls. She started to breathe by herself and the vet was happy to see that, so was i. She was still unconscious but they had to discharge her as they had some issues keeping her the night. I had her in my lap throughout the drive. We set her in and made her a comfortable place to lie and recover and kept an eye on her. I was happy finally. I was getting my Ainy back. Little did I know. I had to leave for my class, as i got back she had passed away. I cant stop seeing her everywhere in my house. She was everything. She loved us. I am sad i wasnt with her in her final moments. Someone so full of life and joy had to bear such pain. I dont find it fair. She’s buried in our garden, but i still feel her walking around in the lounge. I didnt sleep last night, the pain is too much. How can someone so kind and joyful have to see this end. My dad is devastated. I cant believe she isnt here. The fact she doesnt exist kills me. The fact i saw those beautiful eyes one last time but they were not responsive. I miss her. I miss her face. I need to hold her and protect her from everything. I feel so empty. heres her last picture when i was taking to the vet for her surgery. I feel empty. I ended up on this forum because I thought sharing it all might help. Sorry for the long text. she even won best dressed award at cat show. We had the best time.
  2. 2017 was a bad year

    In 2017 I lost two of my pets. (a) My wife and I had a beautiful black cat with vampire teeth. We rescued him from the Wisconsin humane society, and he was called Jynx when we got him, iut was perfect. We had to put him down in August, as he was in somepain, had weight loss, despite eating like a horse, and he seemed to be unhappy. I do not regret it. But I held him as he passed. I speak to his ashes daily. It comforts me, (b) We lost our Dog, who we had to leave with family when we moved back to my home country (New Zealand). I only saw her once (may last year) when we travelled back to show off our son who had been born in January. I told her it was OK, and thank you for waiting for me. December 30th she was euthanized with cancer that had spread everywhere. What is hitting me hard, is these pets (and one of our remaining cats) were our kids. We had thought we would not be able to have any human children, so I invested my heart in them. I don’t regret this, but I HAVE just lost two kids. My wife does not get it, so we’ve had hard moments, where she does not get I am grief stricken. OR that I need to write and blog this out, to feel better.
  3. Struggling with the loss of my Cat

    My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken. Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed. He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late. I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said. However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night? If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here? These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again.
  4. I want my cat back...

    I want my little boy back. I feel like I'm two years old instead of 21 because I keep crying and complaining that he's not here. Every time I come home a little part of me expects that he's going to be there but I'm always so disappointed. One of my neighbors that I don't get to see often asked me how he was and I had to excuse myself to go cry for an hour. How is he doing? I have no idea. I miss him so much, and I just can't believe he's gone. I seriously wish that these past two months didn't happen and that this was all a dream. How can he be gone? My little ray of sunshine and happiness. I wish I could hold him just one more time. I'm sure everyone says that. It's just so hard not to have him here to lay down on my arm/hand or rub his face all over mine when I'm sleeping. He loved me so much but now he's gone, and I am alone.
  5. I don't know where to even begin with my story of Mocha. My beloved companion of 22.5 years. A kitty I have had since the day she was born in June of 1995. And though she has dealt with a randomly occurring "episode" throughout the years starting at the age of 5, she has had a wonderful life. Best I could provide. Her episodes starting with a diagnosis of idiopathic vesitibular disorder...a fancy name for they have no idea whats wrong and came after a 3 day stay in ICU. But she fully recovered and continued on with a happy life. These episodes repeated about once a year at most for most of her life but started to increase in frequency in her more elderly years. Symptoms mainly consisted of sometimes temporary blindness, or stumbling around. But typically only lasted a few hours to about a day. That's how life went for us until about 8 years ago'ish when she had an event and a vet diagnosed her with diabetes. So we started daily insulin and went on our way, happy as usual. She was on insulin for about 3 years and I decided to find a new vet for her that i felt would provide better care. And I did. Soon after a meet n greet she had an episode. Her new doctor thought she was on her way out and I should "do the right thing". I knew she was new to him and insisted that she would recover as she always had so I had them run some blood work instead. It was decided that she no longer had diabetes but she did have moderate kidney disease. Again the new vet thought we should "do the right thing" since kidney disease in not curable. I refused and so he started her on Winstrol V injections every 6 weeks to keep good blood flow to the kidneys. And that has been her treatment every since. Along the way, a couple years later, she had a series of grand Mal seizures so we had to put her on Phenobarbital 2x per day. No more seizures since. Her quality of life has been pretty good all this time. Yes she had the typical slow down with aging but she seemed still happy and healthy. Eating, drinking, going outside whenever she wanted to go on her little walks, responsive to love, using litter box when it got too cold out, ect, ect. And this was the case up until Monday night. So what have I done! Her last week: I had noticed that she has doubled her intake of water consumption. Which isn't the best sign. Plus she had been having some kind of mouth problem everyday starting October 1. And sometimes it seems that was interfering with eating, but she was eating. Also she had started losing weight..slowly but consistently. She has always been an 8 pound kitty. But a couple months ago I noticed it felt like she had lost some weight so I took her in to check. The weight loss was confirmed, she had lost a pound, so I increased her daily does of calorie supplement and her vet didn't feel there would be anything else we could do for weight loss otherwise. I also started getting up throughout the night to make sure she had a steady intake of food around the clock. She had started acting like she was hungry a lot more even though she was being fed so many times a day. Unfortunately despite those efforts her weight loss was still continuing. Her last day she was down to 6.8 pounds. Despite this paragraph of info she was still having a good life and mostly happy. And then Monday night happened. Our day was going pretty normal other than I noticed she wasn't eating as much. But she was eating some each time I took new food to her. She was drinking and went outside a couple of times to pee. Mostly a fairly normal day. But some signs she wasn't feeling 100%. She had her dinner around 5pm, went outside, came back in, went back to the safety of her kitty bed. Around 7ish she got up, this is usually when I give her the nightly dose of seizure med but when i got out of my chair to pick her up I noticed she was not well at all. She was stumbling and vomited the food she had ate a couple hours earlier. She then rotated between laying in that awful looking meatloaf position, trying to walk - stumbling - then vomiting. The last time she vomited - 3rd time - she didn't even try to walk away. She almost laid down in it but i picked her up and moved her. I knew that she was very sick so I put in an emergency call to the clinic. A different vet was on call that night and when we spoke he didn't feel he could do anything for her so advised us to take her to the emergency clinic a town over if her symptoms worsened. The fact he was at a basketball game didn't have anything to do with his inability to help her i am sure. Though i realize even though he is a doctor he is still human. So I decided to try and wait out the night unless things got bad. Though to be honest I did not feel confident she was going to make it. So she was hiding under the inn table, more rapid breathing, in discomfort. Randomly she would make a growl like sound. I have no idea if it was due to pain or if it was a defensive reaction due to her sickly state. But it was a new symptom. Also she had drool - like stuff hanging from her mouth. Another new thing that never occurred before. Even though this was happening to her, she would get up, stumble to the litter box to pee, then stumble back to her hiding place. Even though i was laying on the floor by her, she was still making that random sound - about 4 times - until i placed my hand under her little head. Which she responded to by laying her head down in my palm. This is when the sounds stopped and her breathing became more relaxed over the next little bit of time. I covered her with a towel to help keep her warm and she started to try and rest. Though I honestly expected her to stop breathing at any moment. This is how things were until around midnight. She got up, still sick but no longer stumbling and went to drink some water. She wouldn't walk very far without laying back down in that meatloaf position though so i know she was experiencing a lot of discomfort. I assume anyway. Around 3am she showed signs of wanting to be fed. I got her some food and she only ate a few small bites. Shortly tried a different food and again she ate a few bites. Still only moving short distances at a time before resuming the meatloaf looking position. Finally she got up and went over and got in her bed. This was around 4am and I got in my recliner to try and sleep for a bit. At 5ish i woke and she was up laying in the floor still meat-loafed and looking pretty sick still. She still acted like she wanted food but at this point i knew i was going to take her in for blood work to see how bad it was and since they sedate her for that i knew she couldn't eat anything. So at 8:30am on Tuesday I took her to see the vet. Not her vet, he was not in, it was the guy who took the emergency call. So we decided to do sedation and blood work and i told him i needed to see the results because i couldn't put my dear kitty down if she might be ok. So he had me hold her in my arms when he gave the sedative and told me to talk to her till she went off to sleep. At this point I really must have checked out because i did not treat this moment as potentially her last conscious moment with me. Though I did hold her and love her until she went off to sleep. So they took her and had me wait in the lobby until they got the blood collected. A bit later I was brought back to a room where she was wrapped up in her blanket still out on the sedative sleeping peacefully. I guess unconscious. Finally the vet came in with her results and said her kidneys were gone. Her WBC were high, her platelets were low, bun was high, creatinine was almost high, her diabetes was almost high, and some new kidney test called sdma was just almost off the chart high. He said she may have a day. So at this point I am numb and panicked because I didn't want her to suffer. And they had said that if the results came back bad that I shouldn't even let her wake from the sedative. And in a very hasty decision I said ok. This vet euthanizes using the heart-stick method and didn't want me to witness the final shot. Her normal vet does not use that method and I wish I could have found one working brain cell because I would have made a different decision. But i just said ok. Kissed her one final time and he took her away. And that's how it ended for my beloved companion of 22.5 years! I cannot even express the level of regret that I have for that decision. Every single step of it. And it was a decision that i can not take back, ever. I didn't even try to see if antibiotics or anything would work. I didn't even try to help her recover this time. I don't know what I was thinking to do such an awful thing. I didn't even call my husband to give him a chance to say goodbye. It all just happened so fast I couldn't process it enough to make a logical assessment of the situation. I am so heartbroken about what I have done and I know I have to live with it forever. But after her giving me 22.5 amazing years of friendship I really felt I should have done much much better with her final day. And in all honesty, now that I have reviewed her lab results, it's just as possible that she had a severe infection as she has had that happen previously. I know this post is really really long and it's doubtful that anyone would bother reading it. I just can't stop thinking about what I have done.
  6. Spoki (named after Star trek character Spock) was found on the streets 4 and half years ago. My dad took him home and I spent 2 hours cleaning him from bugs and dirt. He was beautiful white/caramel colour, the first cat I ever saw coloured like that. He was such a good cat, he would never intentionally scratch you or bite you. Even if you tried to provoke him he would just leave. He loved playing with laser and his friend Miki, our other cat. He loooved eating, he was a little fatso. Whenever he would hear opening of a chicken wrap or greek yoghurt he would come running and meowed until you'd give him something. He was a bit of a scaredy cat, you couldn't put your head near his. But he loooved cuddling and he would cuddle and purr all the time. I loved putting him on his back in my lap and he would purr and squeeze his little paws. Around 10 days ago we noticed he doesn't want to play anymore. He would just sleep, started eating less. We took him to the vet and he told us he could hear heart murmur and to go check him to another vet. They told us his heart was ok but he looked like he had heavy anemia and to draw his blood. We thought well f*** anemia you can keep it under control with iron and all that you know? But blood test results told us he had leukemia. His health was slowly deteriorating even with better food, peaceful enviroment and IV every day for 4 days. Yesterday I cuddled him for a bit but then he got excited and wanted to hide under the bed. We didn't let him and he started having a seizure, wailing and crying and trying to take a breath. He just layed there and breathed heavily. We took him to the vet and made the hardest decision of our lives. Poor love couldn't even breath anymore because of anemia, he would just suffocate to death and we didn't want him to die painfully. Vet gave him anesthesia and his little head just dropped in two seconds. It was obvious he was ready to go and that he suffered a lot. I was holding him in my lap all the way to the place where we buried him. It was like he was sleeping. It hurts so much. He was with us for only 4 short years and I don't know how I will be able to cope. Everywhere I look around the apartment I only see him, where he slept and climbed and played and sat. He was a part of the family. Miki, the other cat is searching for him around. We let him sniff him one last time so he could have closure. Sorry for the long post I just needed to let it all out. My parents and I are all devastated and on calming pills. It's so hard.
  7. Last November I came back to my dorm room to find my sweet little boy Pudge in some serious distress. He was yowling, his back legs lost circulation, he couldn't move, and he was so so scared. I immediately started crying because I knew he was going to die, and despite my pleading with him not to as I drove to the vet, he did just that. The doctor told me that he was in a lot of pain, his heart was weak, he had a blood clot in a major artery, and there was nothing to be done. I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever made and I'll never forget the way he looked at me as he went. His little head was resting in my hand as I cried. He looked at me as if to say it was okay, and it was his time to go. As his eyes finally closed, and his breathing stopped, it felt as though the whole world went silent. Pudge was the sweetest little boy in the entire world and I loved him with all of my heart. I am a college student living with Major Depression and a General Anxiety Disorder. In the Fall of 2016, I decided to bring my cat to school with me as an emotional support animal and it was the best decision I've ever made. I am an RA and I live alone, so it was perfect. He helped me sleep, or calm down during a panic attack. He was there for me and loved me unconditionally. He was an older cat, 14 at the time of his death, and he LOVED attention. I would look forward to coming home every day because he would be there waiting for me. We spent hours doing homework, cuddling, watching Netflix and YouTube videos, and taking naps. You name it! He was the sweetest cat I've ever known. He never hissed at, scratched, or bit me. Many of my friends and residents commented on how close we were. He really was like a son to me. He lived a happy and beautiful life with me, and now he's gone. I just... I thought we had more time to be together. I thought he would be there for my graduation. We were going to make Christmas cards, I bought him a little sombrero to throw him a quinceñera this year, etc. I don't know what to do without him. I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ugly white box they put his ashes in. Sometimes I start crying and I hold it wishing that he were there. I need to find an urn for him but they're all so expensive, and I'm on a college student budget. I miss him, I miss everything about him. Even the way he would cry to be held at night, the way he would rub against my face when I was sleeping and he wanted attention, or how he would walk all over my laptop and disrupt my work. Now I have no one to hold, to cuddle with or kiss on the cheek. My room is silent, empty, lifeless. I could barely open the door to my room and spend five minutes in there after it happened. Now it's more bearable but I still feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I go home. I recently went to my actual home for Winter Break. I used to cry every day, but the entire week before I went home I only teared up a little. When I packed my car and put all of his stuff in it... the litter box, the food bowl, his toys, his treats... it was all too much. I broke down crying. Now I cry every night, despite my best efforts. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss because of my loss. I realize that getting better and moving on isn't a straight line. I'll have setbacks, take one step forward and three steps back, etc. But I feel like I'm grieving INCORRECTLY or something. He was my best friend, my little son, my love bug. We were co-dependent. He wasn't just a cat, he was my family. Now he's gone.
  8. I applogize that this might be a long story but I figure that this is a place that I can share my feelings. I’m suffering so much and I don’t know what to do. Yesterday (January 3rd, 2018) I suddenly lost my cat named K-Lee. It’s an odd way to spell her name but my dad chose to spell it like that. From what I remember, he was joking about something to do with canines/K-9 but of course she was a cat and we wanted a name similar to the cat we had years ago named Cali. As a result, somehow, K-Lee became her name. The night before she passed, she was fine. She came to me when I was watching a movie on my laptop and curled up in my blankets next to me. She vomitted an hour or so ago but honestly it wasn’t uncommon. I don’t remember what the actual name of this condition was, but from what I remember our vet informed us a few years ago she was allergic to some sort of bacteria in her mouth (or around her teeth) which could upset her stomach and eventually over time she would lose her teeth. And it happened, but she still seemed fine and ate her food despite the lack of her teeth to help chew. Before I went to bed that night she snuggled up next to me. And the thing about her, she never really did that unless she was cold or not feeling well. But with how she was acting after vomitting, she seemed fine and was purring and sleeping peacefully. And despite living in Hawaii, it was a chilly night and I just thought things were like they normally were. When I woke up however, my life changed so much. I didn’t get woken up from her knocking down my things. Inssteas, I heard my brother come out of his room as she made a loud meow. She was so tiny that it was the first time I’ve ever heard her meow so loud. My dad tried to comfort her as best as he could but he had to leave for work soon. Her eyes were large, her breathing was heavy, she couldn’t move or walk. It was the worst thing seeing her like that. My dad was able to contact the vet and my brother and I took her as he had to go to work. When we were finally able to see the vet, she couldn’t move, her arms were stretched out in front of her and she made another painful meow as they tried to get her weight. Even during the car ride there, she couldn’t move and would flop over in her cage when my brother made his turns. I saw them give her multiple shots to help her breathe since her breathing sounded horrible. The vet then said it might have been a blood clot, a seizure, or a stroke. They took her away to get some x-rays done and we were sent to wait outside. It felt like forever waiting to be called back and I shed a few tears but I was hopeful things would be okay. When they showed us the x-rays they said she seemed fine. Nothing was wrong with her lungs or anything. Her potassium levels were low and her blood sugar was high but they were going to give her an IV to help her as she was dehydrated as well. She also said it might have been a stroke or some sort of neurological issue. After that I honestly thought she was in good hands. The vet said she had to stay in the pet hospital and we could visit any time or call for updates. But it was at that moment I made the worse mistake of my life. It’s something I regret so much. I should have asked to see her before we left because an hour or two later I woke up from a nap and received the devastating call from my dad that she had passed. I was alone at home and cried my eyes out. I was mad at myself, I questioned why she was gone and what I could have done. I wished I had stayed up longer that night and maybe I could have been there when she was experiencing her stroke or whatever happened to her. I could have gotten her to the vet immediately. She was only 10 years old and I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I had a few more years left with her. I look around my house and all I see is the places that she used to sleep or walk or sit on. My room had her food bowls and her litter box and it’s hard to be in there. The same day she passed I went to see her one last time. I was always worried about forgetting how she felt or smelt like. But when I got to hold her deceased body it wasn’t the same. I could barely smell her past the chemical smell from the area where they inserted the IV into her paw. She felt so hard and the colors on her paw pads were white. My parents said she looked like she could be sleeping or could wake up at any moment since one of her eyes was slightly opened. I cried and kissed her and couldn’t believe that she was fine yesterday and gone the next. Her eyes were slightly watery too and my tears kept falling on her face. It’s the start of the new year and I’m torn apart. Next week I start my last semester of college before I graduate and I don’t know how to feel. I cry and cry and miss her so much. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I lost my baby yesterday and I don’t know how to carry on. Everything hurts. My back hurts, my chest hurts, my heart hurts and I feel like I can’t wait to live out my entire life to see her again. I’m only 22 and it feels like torture to have to go on and not see her in my room or in the house. We’re having her cremated and we plan on having her in my room but still...it hurts. I try to think positive thoughts and I try to tell myself that everything l do will be in memory of her but it’s still so hard.
  9. Feeling guilt

    I lost my cat, Tumbles on November 7th 2017. It will be one week tomorrow. Now that the shock has settled in, I am starting to feel guilt. For quite some time. Tumbles would throw up every now and then. I worried, but my boyfriend, who also has cats of his own, assured me he probably ate too quick or maybe change his food bc he might not like it. So I relaxed a little, and told myself if he showed other signs I will take him to the vet. Well, he didn’t. But I started to smell something weird in my bedroom. I cleaned, mopped, and eventually found cat poop and assumed maybe one of my kitties ( I have two) accidentally brought it in with them from the litter box bc it’s right outside my room. August 2017 however, I was getting ready for a wedding, and I saw Tumbles poop in my room. Because I was anxious about running late, I freaked out, but later of course hugged him to show I wasn’t mad. It was then that month that I took him to the vet only to realize he had Jaudice. the vet prescribed medication, steroids and assured us it’s possible he could be cured. But he did end up passing away last week. i tried everything I could, but I feel guilty for not helping him sooner. I did everything, spend so much money in the end and was by his side constantly, I’m not just regretting what I didn’t do :/
  10. Grieving over my fur baby

    Hi everyone, on November 7th i lost my little fur angel, Tumbles and devastated is not even the word to describe. I’m crying every day and night. I had him for 8 years and he has brought so much joy into my home. I would have never imagined the pain would be so hard but thinking about the fact that I will never get to see him or hold him again is killing me. He was truly my baby and I feel so lost without him. It really kills me when people tell me to just get another cat because I can’t possibly imagine replacing someone I loved so much. I currently have another cat and seeing him walk around the house meowing hurts me so much. I have a boyfriend, friends and family that I have been talking to but i feel like I’m crazy if I keep bringing it up, this is just one of the hardest pains I’ve ever endured. I’m on this forum in hopes of speaking to others who know this pain and can tell me what they have done to help heal. :/
  11. Hello, I don’t really know how to begin, or what to say. I’ve never felt anything like this, in my life, and I am a sensitive and emotional person, in the first place. This pain is almost immeasurable, it feels surreal. Last Tuesday, my soul mate died, and I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I absolutely hate myself, the guilt is killing me, and I just wish that I could be with her, again, and spend eternity with her, because the thought of death with her is so much better than the thought of living without her. Cleo was 19 when she died. She lived a long life, filled with love. She was the most beautiful, loving, and sensitive cat, I have ever known. She was perfect, and unique, and all her quirks that irritated others, just made me love her all the more. She was basically a self-imposed house cat. Despite constant access to the outdoors, she preferred to go out only with human company. Mostly mine. She was a family cat, but everyone knew that mine and Cleo’s love was like no other. I was her favourite, and she is mine, above all others. We had a bond and connection to each other, that I cannot even begin to think of describing with words, alone. It was just.. she was, and is, part of me. We understood each other. I didn’t look at her as a cat; she was Cleo. A beautiful, gorgeous, loving, radiant, hilarious, adorable, chubby, sensitive, warm spirit, that changed my life. I could never bring myself to fully contemplate what would happen when she died, but I never imagined that I wouldn’t be there for her. Last December, I moved to Denmark to be with my Danish boyfriend, since, fiancé. With Cleo’s advancing age in mind, her well-managed chronic kidney disease, and her nervous and sensitive disposition, particularly to change, it would have been cruel to ask her to endure any kind of relocation, let alone to Denmark. From apparent stress, she once lost all the fur on her bottom half, making it appear as though she’d forgotten to put on her trousers, which was equally the most adorable and upsetting thing to see. She was just so beautifully sensitive. I wasn’t going to put her through any kind of upset, if at all possible. She would be more comfortable, secure, and safe within the walls and garden of her lifelong home, with my parents to look after her. Every day, I carried a sense of guilt that I had left her behind. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. She was, and is, my one love, my light, my soul mate. There were nights where my fiancé had to rock me like a baby, as I sobbed desperately in his arms, over the distance I had created between Cleo and I. I just wanted to be with her, for her to be with me, for me to be with her. It broke my heart, every day. I would gaze lovingly at the framed photo I have of her, I would speak to her on FaceTime when contacting my parents, but it just wasn’t enough. I had seen her for three weeks in April, and for one week in the middle of August, and each time, it was increasingly impossible to leave her. Yet, leave I did. Last Tuesday, I received a FaceTime call from my Dad. It was odd that the call came through, considering my iPad was locked and set to 'do not disturb'. In some way, I feel like it was Cleo and our love that allowed the call to come through. Furthermore, the day before, I had heard a cat meow outside the doors to the flats. It wasn’t Cleo’s meow, but it was a meow. I looked outside, and there was nothing there. I wonder if, in some way, this, too, was a sign. The call was to carry the news I never wished or hoped to hear. The darkest day in my life had arrived. She was fading rapidly, she could no longer move the back half of her body, she could not and would not eat or drink, despite efforts to hydrate her using a syringe, she just could not do it. My heart broke irreparably in that very second. I am so grateful to my parents for including me as much as they physically could, for giving me the chance to say goodbye in the only way possible, given the circumstances. They warned me that she was to be taken to the vets, and that it was highly likely she would not come home, alive. I mustered up everything within me to whistle her favourite songs. She was always so responsive to whistling, and she was a Disney girl at heart. In the last couple of years, as her health changed, she took little interest in these songs. However, as I sat there, tears streaming, breath unsteady, I was able to give my rendition of 'Part of Your World'. She had been unresponsive for hours, and yet.. she was trying to lift up her head.. the twinkle of recognition palpable, despite her being near lifeless. My Dad couldn’t believe it. That moment means the absolute universe, to me. Next, I tried 'Colors of the Wind', but my sobs made it near impossible. It was the greatest joy to be able to give her that gift, and for her to know it was from me. I sent all my love to her, I spoke to her in loving, yet undeniably heartbroken, tones, I said everything I could think to say, all the verbal tokens of love that I had always said. But it just wasn’t enough. I asked my Dad to stroke her as I said them, to give her the kiss that I would have given, though I would not have been able to stop kissing her. I even tried to stroke the screen, as if she would feel my fingers on her skin. At one point, she was miraculously able to lift herself up to see the screen, and I have never seen anything like it, in my life. It absolutely shatters my whole existence. It is the most beautiful and heart wrenching thing, I have ever seen. That face.., she looked so different in that moment, I have never seen her look like that, before, those eyes... so large, so close to death, and so full of life and love. It’s too much. It’s too beautiful. Given the circumstances, and with eternal thanks to my parents, I did all that I could. But it wasn’t enough. I will never get to hear her, see her, smell her, hold her, kiss her, touch her, laugh with her, lie with her, whistle for her, feel her love and envelope her in mine, ever again.. . I couldn’t hold her paw, as my dad did for me, as she died, I couldn’t be there for the funeral. I will never be with her, again, not on earth, and it is breaking me. I am completely overcome with grief, and guilt. The guilt is corroding my heart, I have a constant physical pain. I feel as though I left her, abandoned her... that she must have hated me, she can’t have known why I wasn’t there. All she knows is that I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I absolutely despise myself. I honestly feel like the worst human being who has ever lived. I should have never moved to Denmark, I should have waited until she had gone, because I knew she was old, and I knew she had an illness. I am disgusting. I keep begging her to forgive me, but I know I don’t deserve it. I keep saying sorry, I keep hoping she will show me, in some way, that she is okay. In the early hours of Monday morning, I felt a warmth between my legs as I lay cross-legged, and as I sat up, I felt as though I was able to pick up this warmth, and cradle it. I am almost convinced it was my mind trying to create some sort of comfort, but there is part of me that feels as though it was my Cleo, and just in case it was, I spoke to her. I said everything I wanted to say, and afterwards, I felt a coolness pass over my face. I noticed a shift in me, in that moment, which brought me some relief. But since then, I have completely relapsed into a suicidal state. I have panic attacks from the grief, and when I’m not crying, I just exist in a black hole of misery. I will never be able to forgive myself or live with myself for leaving my baby. It has been especially difficult, as my fiancé is currently working offshore, so I have had to experience this, alone. He has been amazing, through Skype calls, and he has written me the most beautiful words to try and help me see things in a different way. I couldn’t have asked for more support. My parents, who can sometimes be emotionally distant, have been wonderful, and have, obviously, been greatly touched by her death, also. I am doing as much research as I can, I have created online photo albums, made videos from the photos, I listen to her favourite song, I have gathered a few momentos to comfort myself as I try to sleep. Luckily, I have a blanket with me that she slept on, many times, which I have been holding at night. My fiancé made the suggestion that we hold a memorial when he is back, and find a lovely spot to place some memories. I am planning on framing more photos, and painting a picture of her, as I have in the past, and getting some items printed using photos of her, such as a cushion cover, and iPad case. Also, I am planning to crochet a little toy to represent her. When I spoke to Cleo for the last time, I made suggestions of items we could keep with her, such as a bib I had crocheted for her as a little joke, which she surprisingly enjoyed, a kitchen sponge, as she used to frequently 'murder' them, and call to let us know what a vicious killer she was, an Autumn leaf, as she used to mercilessly kill these, too. Some daisies, as we used to play and make chains with them, a tea bag, as she used to love finishing off a cup of tea using her paw, and other little knickknacks that speak of her personality, and our time together. I feel like all these things should add up to some way of coping, but I cannot cope. The guilt is killing me. I need to somehow atone for my disgraceful behaviour. I have begun looking at cat rescue centres. We are planning to move to a flat that allows pets, and, knowing that I will be able to give an adult cat with a hard life a home and the love it deserves, does help, somewhat. But my Cleo. I left her, and I never wanted to, I never intended to. Yet, I did. I truly am a monster, I don’t know how to live with this feeling. I would infinitely rather be with her than live without her. I apologise for the essay I’ve written.. I doubt many people will want to read it.. but for those of you that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and wish you all the best on your own journeys to recovery after losing our best friends and soul mates.
  12. Zeus, my 2½ year old ragdoll has been diagnosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (thickening of her heart). Her brother (Thor) from the same litter passed away when he was only 7 months old, and at the time we didn't know what caused the fluid build up in his chest. But after seeing Zeus go through so much I'm sure it was the same thing. Thor was just starting the diuretics to drain the fluid build up when he got stressed, panicked and died while the vets tried CPR. It was horribly traumatic. Now I'm faced with this same awful disease, and no knowing when it will flare up again. Zeus is home with me on her first of many medications that will not save her, after already experiencing congestive heart failure. Medications will not stop or even necessarily slow this disease, they will simply "manage the symptoms". So is it worth putting her through the stress of medication, vet visits and monitoring? Any day she could experience a blood clot, or more fluid building up in her chest. The logical part of my mind is saying don't risk letting her suffer, put her down so she can be at peace and out of harms way. Its the humane thing to do. But that feels so much like giving up! I want to fight this and fix her, shes still so young, shes too young to say goodbye to. She was the only reason I smiled after losing Thor. She made me laugh with her games, and kept me company. I have another cat besides her(Hades), who I'm sure will make me laugh like any other day and help me through this the way Zeus did. But that doesn't make this decision any easier. Hades I originally got as a companion for Zeus while I was at work. Who will Hades have when Zeus is gone? She is a funny cat with a lovely temperament, and she loves to play tag with Hades. But now all she does is sleep, or lay down watching the world go by. Hades hisses at her every time they get too close when just a week ago they would groom each other. She played with a toy today, but even that was a lazy attempt lasting only a few moments. She is not in pain(that I know of), and outwardly she seems like a sluggish version of herself. But inside she is very sick, and will get worse. She can make it around the apartment easy enough, just requires more time to get from point A to point B. She eats, though not as much as she should. She may bounce back enough with medication to be able to play and jump again, but her tolerance will be very low. What kind of life is that? I know choosing euthanasia is the humane choice for her, but I'm struggling so much with the guilt. Its so unfair for such a beautiful little soul to go through this, especially so young. And to choose the day her life will end seems so wrong! Everyone knows how much a pet's world revolves around its owner, but our world revolves around our pets just as much. My world is being thrown off its axis and I don't know how to keep going.
  13. horrible guilt and shame

    Hello,I'm new here. A month ago I noticed that my cat had lost her appetite.I took her to my vet and she examined my cat,finding nothing wrong.She said it was probably because of the heat wave.Then my vet left for vacation.My cat continued not eating and I stupidly assumed it was still because of the heat.I waited too long.By then she looked sick and I found a vet clinic.I took my cat there.They found she had FIP, which is a fatal virus.They sent me home because there "it was a very sick cat and they could do nothing for her" except for an antibiotic injection I was shocked.Since then I had been trying to save her life with antibiotics, medicine and syringe feeding.I didn't leave her side,day or night,showing her all the love I could. For a while she seemed to be getting a little better,but then she got worse. My vet returned and took her for intravenous feeding and serum. My agony grew as I saw her not getting better but I was still hoping and praying for a miracle..I took her home again for a few days so she could be with us ,in her familiar environment.I kept her home for a couple of days and then I returned her to the vet's to drain the fluid from her little belly.I visited her twice a day there, stroking her,kissing her ,telling her how much I loved her. Last time I saw her it was Saturday noon.The vet's is closed for visits on Sat.evening and Sundays.Monday morning when I went to visit her they told me she had passed during the night. I cannot eat,cannot sleep,cannot function.I cry all the time.I miss her so much.I know getting her to the vet clinic earlier would not have changed the outcome,she was doomed,but I feel I neglected her and betrayed her by my stupidity and laziness.I hope she has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself.
  14. I Think My Cat is Dead

    Okay so... my cat has always had a habit of sneaking off to some part of the house and not coming back out for several days (except to eat). So when it happened this time around, I didn't think anything of it. My cat seemed to be in perfectly good health. A bit small and skinny, but very energetic and nothing out of the norm. It wasn't until yesterday (5 days since I had last seen her) that I began to notice an awful smell coming from a part of the house that she would hang out in the most. I have smelt a lot of dead things in my life and knew right away what I was smelling. The problem however, is that the part of the house she liked the most... is a mess. A collection of 3-4 rooms filled with junk that hasn't been touched in nearly two decades. I have already spent nearly 6 hours digging through the junk and have been unable to locate a body. I did, however, find the hole that a possum had used 2 months before to get into the house (long since dealt with). I never had her spayed (ik, big mistake) and our house is surrounded lately by dozens of cats belonging to our neighbours. Now, I thought... well if a possum 3 times her size was able to squeeze through a hole... she would surely have no problem doing the same. But then reality comes back and I realize that there is really only one thing that smell could be. I hate the thought of her just rotting away under a heap of junk. But the rooms in question would take me at least a week if not longer to completely clear. And having checked where the smell is strongest, I couldn't find a body. Also worth noting that the smell isn't as strong as I think it should be. You can't smell it throughout the entire area. Take 4-5 steps in one direction and it's gone. At this point, I am at a loss for what to do. So was hoping I could get some advice here. EDIT: Also should mention I am rather old. Just turned 70 a few months ago and have arthritis in my knees. So my ability to search for her is limited and I pose a risk of hurting myself in the process.
  15. My little girl is gone

    Thank you so much to anyone who comments or even reads my story. I have never been so hopeless and I appreciate anyone reading this for taking time out of their day to help me cope with my loss. I am 16 years old and I've owned my cat since 4th grade. She was only 7 years old when she went missing a couple days ago. She was my rock, my support, my happiness and one of my few reasons for living. Even though it's more than likely that she is gone forever, I can't seem to accept it and I'm still praying that my baby will come home. To give some background, I was abused by a neighbor when I was little and I have only told my parents a few months ago and have been trying to deal with it since. It has given me PTSD and a social disorder and I wish I was able to trust people. I never wanted to live as someone who was abused and whenever I would start crying and/or panic when the memories resurfaced my kitty would comfort me like no other, jumping up on my bed with a loud purr and bumping her face into mine. She was there for me when my parents were too stressed to help me with what I was going through. We went away from home for 4 days recently while my mom's friend took care of the cat, and she reportedly hid under my parents' bed whenever my mom's friend came inside to feed her. She had gotten a little bit thinner before we left but it was nothing worth being concerned over. When we came home she was acting fairly normal but there was vomit in my room. I didn't think much of it because she only vomits when she eats too fast or has clumps of hair in her stomach and then she's completely fine. Later she was desperately howling to get outside after having been inside for 4 days. I know people will disagree with letting cats outside but because of her ear tufts, extra toes, strong hunting instinct and desire to be outdoors, the shelter we adopted her from believes that our cat is part lynx. A strict indoor life would have made her miserable. We felt sorry for her and let her outside, knowing she would come back by 9 or 10pm like she always does. We all took turns looking for her for hours but couldn't find her anywhere and assumed she wanted to be left alone for the night. We still couldn't find her the following morning but we saw cat pee behind the couch in the living room. It was dark with blood and no one knew how long it had been there. We immediately knew that she may have been too sick to get away from predators like she always does and that she may have been taken away by something. We called her outside, shook her food, looked in our front and back yard and all around the neighborhood, and put up posters. Each minute that has passed without her has made my heart heavier and I feel like I'm somehow to blame, that I should have known she was too sick to be left alone outside. I haven't stopped crying and I would do anything to have her back. Even just typing this whole thing out has lifted some of the pain but it's still very present. I would be beyond appreciative if someone saw this and gave me some assuring words during this tough time in my life.
  16. My beautiful cat ❤

    Hi, I just discovered this website. I don't know what I'm really looking for and I don't know how it really works on here but I just need to write it somewhere. Im currently at work, on my lunch break, crying like there's no tomorrow. My mom called me 3 days ago telling me they took an appointment to euthanize my beloved cat. She's my 16 years old cat. I've had her since I was 5 years old, we grew old together and she was always there when no one else was. She wont pee in her litter anymore, she barely eats (she licks it but wont eat it) and she doesnt like going out anymore or sleeping in my bed. Its been like this for quite a while. My dad is in the army and so we moved every 2-3 years. Its hard making new friends and having good people to talk to. She was aways there waiting for me when I came back home, when I had no one to talk to she was just there staring at me (yes I did talk to my cat). When I was feeling sad and cried in my bed, she'd come to me and bite my cheeks to comfort me. She always did that thing. She used to turn on her back which I called it the "Twist and Shout"... anyway... she's schedule for tonight at 6pm and I can't be there with her since im away because of college. I cant stand the fact that I wont be near her on her dying table. Ive never lost anyone in my life before and this is really affecting me. I talked to my entourage and they seem to think that I overreact. For them its "only a cat". They caught me crying and Im pretty sure they think im being childish. I just cant help it. I feel guilty for putting her down and I cant know for sure if its what she really want or if we are selfish for letting her go. Did we try everything? I feel like we didnt... I dont know how I'll take it when she'll really be gone... For anyone who actually read this, thank you. Just writinf it helped a little...
  17. Sick with grief and guilt

    We just lost our wonderful sweet 15 year old cat a couple days ago and it was physically traumatic for him and totally horrific. The emergency vet said it was an organophosphate poison. My vision of his last moments were not this. Maybe being in vet office, calm and in control and getting time to say goodbye (as was the case with my other cats years ago.) Instead, this was a nightmare and from the time I found him to his death was about 2 hours. We had sprayed Raid on a couple spiders the previous night in the basement but the vet said that was not it. He wasn't sure but he says it could have been days earlier. I am totally paranoid now. I really have not eaten or slept much. I am full of guilt since I am not sure exactly what happened so I am barely coping. We are renting a vacation home so I don't know what he might have gotten into. Can't find anything. Maybe it was a poisonous bug? No clue. He had also lost a lot of weight the last couple months and was hiding a lot so I know he was sick but this was way beyond anything unless it was total organ failure all at once. I don't know. I have waves of fear and anxiety and overwhelm. I can't believe I let this happen. The whole thing is so traumatic I have not even been able to have normal sadness.
  18. Its been almost 2 years since my baby passed away and i still cry every time i see his pictures, its 2am and i have work tomorrow but i just cant sleep because after all this time it still hurts a little bit whenever i think about how much i loved my cat. How whole he'd make me feel everyday and how i go home eager to be greeted by how he jump on me from the front gate trees. He was killed in a horrific way, hit by a truck left his entire head mangled. I try to look at his pictures so i wont remember him by how he looked when he died, but it still pains me. How he didnt even see me when he was dying. His eyes where ... unable to see after what happened . I still cant forget hot he twitched before he died. He was good. Pure soul filled with light for a street kitty and he died so badly. I just wish more people around me understood how i felt and how much i loved my Cat ChiSao.
  19. First of all thank you for giving me an opportunity to express my grief. The situation I'm in now (diagnosed with Asperger and taking care of my old mum) doesn't make things any easier. I had to put my cat to sleep on 24th May. Since March he kept pulling his hair and we went to the vet to get him checked. This was a Belgian vet working in Holland, but he's mostly treating larger animals. His partner does the smaller pets, but I don't know if she works here or not. Fact is that they advertise that you can bring your pet with you when you visit them. Which isn't true, so the poor thing had to endure the stress of travelling at least three times before the vet could see him. He didn't do a good job and barely checked the cat. Just assumed it was lice and fleas. Gave him a shot, made me pay and we went. But the cat kept pulling out his hair. So we went back the next week. Got a shot again, some external treatment and the bill again. But it still didnt work. So a week and a half later we went to Belgium to visit the other vet. It took only 1 minute to get a decent diagnosis: he had a tumour under his tongue. My heart broke ... She knew her partner screwed things up, because she explicitely told us that she always checks the mouth! As a way of apology she only charged a small amount. We gave ourselves some time to make a decision. We didn't want to be selfish and let the suffering continue. But it would be a hard decision anyway. The cat was still very lively. I combed his hair because he wasn't able to get rid of the shedding hair. I gave him wet food, but he only licked off the jelly. He was still happy and my little mate kept me company as usual. Often standing between me and my laptop to receive a little cuddle, which was very good against my stress. He lay right next to (almost on) the laptop and we spent many hours like that. His little paws always making a little contact with my arm. At some moment I asked my mother what to do. And she was very determined: we'll put him to sleep on Friday. I cried my eyes out ... I tried to behave like the grown man I am and made an appointment. I told them that we didn't to prolong the suffering and choose to put him asleep. Because I didn't get any response from my vet, I went there myself. They got the appointment totally wrong and I rescheduled. But within a few days I had my doubts. Weren't there any other options? So I told my vet that I wanted to know if there were any other options. She phoned me and we agreed that she would sedate the cat, take a good look to see if the tumout could be removed and if that wasn't possible, he would die there. BUT when we got there, they just took him in and told us to pick him up within a few hours. They just took a biopt and send that off. I got a heavily sedated cat back. I cried my eyes out again: this was exactly the opposite of what I wanted ... the poor thing ate a little bit, but I was scared that he was killing himself ... his head was so deep in his bowl. Later on he threw up and I had to hold him up. He was still so sedated. Thank god that he didn't meow too much (I hate the sound of a suffering cat). Later he lied on the couch, but my mother let him go after me into the kitchen. Suddenly I heard him meowing again, because he tried to jump on the couch again but couldn't. He just clawed into some blanket and fell off again, while my mother was sitting right there !@#$%^&*()OP_+{ I took the cat with me to the other room and he only meowed when I was on the phone with my sister. He wanted to sit on the chair and he somehow managed to jump on it. A week later we still didn't hear from the vet. So by Tuesday we called and we got bad news: it was an agressive tumour and they could send the cat to some clinic for treatment. We told her that we did not want that. She asked if he was still eating and drinking and told us to make the best of it while it lasted. Problem was that by now I didn't want to let go. I still saw a lively cat that still left me "little presents" on my doorstep. But one Monday he was really not well. I knew that he sometimes had some problems with his bowel movements. I massaged his belly and it would be fine. But I guess from all different food and such, the stool was too hard for him. Later on he went outside (although he had been with me all day and seemed fine overall). He was hissing at me and hid in the bushes. I was very worried and we called several vets, but not one of them wanted to do anything. We almost called the vet that was on duty to have him put down immediately. But I kept checking the cat and wasn't ready to do just that. I saw that he was calming down and I just let him be. The next day he was lively again and it seemed as if nothing had happened. But we couldn't keep on going like that. So I looked for a vet who would be willing to put him asleep in our own home. I found one near our home, who's website was the only one dealing with this topic. When I went to make an appointment, my mother assumed I was going to take the cat with me and have it done. Really? Was she that eager to get rid of him? I got to the vet and a very understanding assistent wrote down all the details. When I got home, they called that they could do it the next day, right before noon. I didn't sleep mucht that night and let the cat go out earlier than usual. I wanted to make it as easy as it could. The rest of the morning he was beside me. Mostly because the housekeeper (we're not rich, but nowadays the community pays for some housekeeping) was using the hoover. I was scared that we wanted to go outside and I wouldn't be able to find him by the time the vet would come. I took him for a little walk, but my feelings were off. Dead cat walking ... The vet's office called that she was on the way and a half hour later she was there. Charming young woman who heard our story and did check the cat. I didn't see the purpose why, but I was too sad to make a whole scene. She told us that she was going to give him a shot in the hindleg. In hindsight: I was not happy with that. It may be the normal procedure, but it did hurt the cat. He jumped off the table, but the door was closed. I picked him up and tried to comfort him a little bit. Within half a minute he fell over. She put him on a cover and checked again to see if he was sedated enough. My mum kept babbling and babbling. Eventually she gave him the final shot (straight in the heart, although the belly would've been an option too ... but we wanted it to be quick and painless). And so my little furry hero passed away .... right next to me, where I'm sitting now. I expected him to slowly get sedated and come to me for comfort and 'fall asleep' in my arms. But alas that wasn't the case. Although I think the vet did a good job, it wasn't so easy as I expected it to be. Maybe my imagination made it more beautiful and soft. I didn't perceive it that way. I told the vet I would come to the office to pay so I had a chance to get out of the house. But first I showed her out and then I crashed. I almost panicked, but decided to bury him. I imagined taking some pictures and did just that. One when he was lying on the table, one in his favourite basket (which I bought for him to lie in when the sun went down at the end of the day) and one in his little grave (which I dug with my nephew, who owned the cat before ... long story). Although I had my doubts, the evening before I got a scare when I saw that the hair under the mouth of the cat was bloody. I didn't check it, but it convinced me that it was the right thing to do when I made the appointment earlier that day. The day after, I also saw a little blood, but I wasn't so worried. I was more busy with it being his last moments and was counting down. But this is all the rational part of the story. Emotionally I'm dying ... like I said (and from what I wrote above) these are stressful times. Taking care of my mum, who's quite stubborn. But also going through some rough times myself (my best girlfriend suffering from breast cancer, the mum of counsellor dying (he's more of a mate than a counsellor)), this also triggered my fear of abandonment. Losing my father 15 years ago was bad, but just last Thursday I remembered what helped. A few days after my father was buried, I went to my pub and every friend who was there gave me a big hug to comfort me. And that was also what my cat meant to me: my little friend who I could give a hug and comfort me. But now he's gone. I have to say that my 'new' counsellor is doing a great job, but it seems like I'm taking steps backwards in this whole process, instead of moving on. I try to go out of the house, but I'm scared. I feel panicky, I even start crying while I drive. The absence of my little friend is so overwhelming. I cry when I go to sleep and when I wake up. I get up and the door is still closed. I open it and go outside and go to his little grave and cry. I try to do what I have to do each day, but my heart isn't in it. I try distract myself, but it's not really working. I miss my little mate ... there's nothing there to get me through this, while it was him that made it all bearable. I thought some Family day would distract be a bit, but besides some snide remarks it were the pets that bothered me. And in this day and age they all had their smartphones to show us how lovely the pets are that weren't there. It hurt like hell to sit there and not being able to talk about my loss. I wasn't going to open to them and turn it into some therapy session. I tried to joke some, but it was all behind a painted smile ... In the mean time I've been writing to get things off my chest, but it doesn't work. Most people are very understanding and try to comfort me, but some fail miserably. Especially my mother, my brother and my sister. I'm also disappointed by my gf: I understand that she is having a hard time with her illness and her bad relationship. But if she calls me at one in the morning and she's crying (after about two hours she's laughing again), I expect some comforting back. Even just a simple question like: how are you doing/coping? We even have almost the same cat ... And my best friend is throwing all his 'garbage' at me because he is also trying to care of his parent (although via his rich and demanding brother). I can understand it all: those people need me ... I lent them my ear and eye, because I'm their friend. But now I need somebody ... and there is nobody to give me a hug ... I just don't know what to do. I planted a little tree on the grave and water it. But it's still so sad. It seems that my mind and my soul are so out of balance ... At moments I confront myself, but it's not a relieve afterwards. I just feel tired of all the emotions ... I thought I was moving forward a little bit, but these last few days it seems as if I'm taking steps backward. Crying and hurting more and more ... and today is particularly bad. I miss my cat sooo much!
  20. My poor cat died a few days ago and I feel so guilty. He was my first ever pet and I loved him so much. The worst thing was he died in the cattery while I was on holiday so I don't feel like I even got to say goodbye to him. I hadn't realised that he was ill so this has come as a great shock to me and I'm struggling to come to terms with him not being here with me as he was a very cuddly cat who was always by my side when he wasn't out playing. In hindsight I feel I should have realised that he was ill, but he didn't seem to be acting too much out of character and was his usual cuddly self. I just can't stop feeling guilty and wishing he was still here with me and that I could have done more for him. I hope he knew how much I loved him and didn't think I'd abandoned him.
  21. I really need some help from someone. People keep saying its just a cat, but he really wasn't. He was all I had when times were rough. He made me smile when I had no one. He loved me so much and I loved him beyond words. I can't even focus as tears stream down my face as I type this, holding on to the towel that we wrapped his sweet little body in, having trouble letting go. I've become so desperate for answers or even just a little bit of support I turn to this site. On Saturday, May 6, 2017 my precious little boy Tommy died in my arms. He was only 5.5 years old. At age 2, he was diagnosed with anemia and kidney disease, very rare for such a young guy. I spent thousands from my savings to do whatever I could for the little guy, running all these tests, medications, regular check-ups, etc. At 2 years he dropped down to 4 pounds and vets didn't think he would make it, even suggesting I put him down. That wasn't an option for me. With the prednisolone and gentle force feeding, i brought my cat back to normal weight and he was an active little guy again causing mischief and "hunting" his toys all the time. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with his toys all over me and all in his water bowl. He was such a funny guy. So when my vet stopped paying much attention once Tommy started feeling better, I didn't like that so January 2017 I switched to a new vet. The new vet had great ratings online so I trusted it. And I still don't know for sure if he did anything wrong, but my mind keeps wondering. He checked tommy's blood work and it read that he was at stage 3 kidney disease and his anemia was severe. Tommy was also showing signs of cancer. Tommy was now 5 years old. So the vet upped the dose to 2 pills a day to see how he responded. Tommy was fine until one week ago it all changed. He was getting weaker but my other cat had a lump on her stomach so I decided to take her in first last weekend and then Tommy this weekend (splitting up the finances as I couldn't afford it all at once). I wish I didn't do that and the regret is killing me to the point where I can't function anymore. I ended up taking Tommy in this last Friday because he was very weak. Tommy has lost a bit of weight but nothing significant like the first time. Vet noticed he was weak right away and wanted to run another blood test to see where he was at. Right after they took the blood, Tommy could barely move off the vet floor. His whole body and his head just laid flat on the floor with not an ounce of energy. Vet pulled out a new medication and said that this was the final resort. He orally administered Atopica for cats and said that if he responds in a week this could make him live a long life. But it was too late. I took Tommy home and his mouth was still all crusty from the medication, like it was dehydrating him or something. Couldn't swallow properly. He seemed so much weaker than when I took him in that morning. I don't know if it's because they withdrew his last bit of blood that was keeping him alive (being anemic) or it was the new medication or it was simply too late. I gave him as much water as I could to try and help him. Tommy had this obsession with ice cubes. So I took an ice cube and dropped it in his water. He perked up a little bit and slowly walked over to his water bowl to take a drink. My heart broke because he was trying to drink but he just couldn't, he was so weak. Then about 10 minutes later I pulled out treats and he got a little excited and came over. He tried so hard to pick up the treat but he just couldn't. I even broke it in half to help him...he'd pick it up and it'd just fall out of his mouth. I started crying, like I am right now, because it really did break my heart. My fiance and I kept close watch on him Friday night. We let him do all the things he wanted to do. He wanted to step out on the balcony, we let him. He just lied there and smelt the fresh air, then slowly walked in when he was finished. He wanted to walk down the hallway of the apartment, and we let him. We just let him walk, and he walked about 10 meters until he dropped. We pet him slowly and just stayed with him in the hallway. (Tommy loved being in the hallway...when we'd come home he'd be waiting at the door to go there. And once he hit the hallway he sit on the carpeted floor and just purr like crazy. Some days we just him stay out there as long as he wanted, it made him so happy). But that night we noticed Tommy couldn't walk back from his hallway mission. I picked him up and he was like jello, bringing him back inside. My fiance and I were having a personal argument from nights before, so I decided to sleep in the living room and he slept in the bedroom. I regret going to bed so easily that night at 11pm knowing my cat was like this. I should've stayed up with him. That night at 1am I woke up to use the bathroom and Tommy was sitting on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I pet him or not, which also kills me because I really hope I did, and then I left the bathroom, got a bite to eat from the kitchen and fell back asleep. At 8am, my fiance comes running into the living room and yells "Babe! Tommy!". (Our female cat had woken him up when it was happening. That breaks my heart even more because she was attached to the hip with Tommy. They were best friends). I bolted to my bedroom to see Tommy just lying there halfway inside my closet and halfway out. I panicked. I lifted him up pulled him out of the closet to the floor right next to us. As I lifted him, he let out what sounded like the last bit of air in his lungs. I kept saying, "Tommy?? Tommy???" as he was still warm, very jello-like, and his eye were still glossy (no blinking). I called the vet (which wasn't opened yet) and left a voicemail panicking on what to do. I kept telling Tommy how much I loved him, and I thanked him for an amazing 5 years. I sang to him "you are my sunshine" and I just cried and cried and cried like I am right now. The vet called me back and asked him if he was cold, I said no. They asked if he was stiff, I said no. They let me know that "it was happening" and to bring him in for 9am. I kept looking at Tommy's eyes for a little bit of hope. Maybe he'd come back? We only did one day of the new medication and didn't get a chance to see if it would work. I cried for him. I put my left hand gently under his body while he was lying on the floor, almost holding him like he was my baby. I just cried. He started to go cold. My fiance and I said a prayer together for God to take him and keep him for us once we get there. The thought of never seeing my baby again shatters my heart. I really hope there's a kitty heaven. I keep thinking to myself, what if I took Tommy to the vet first instead of my female with the lump. We could've gotten the medication sooner and maybe he'd live a long life with me. The lump turned out to be only a cyst, which I'm thankful for, but it hurt even more knowing that Tommy's condition was much more serious. And I waited. I waited a week. A week that could've save his life. And I keep thinking to myself, why didn't I stay up with him on Friday? I knew he was weak but I didn't think he would go overnight, just like that. I haven't left my living room floor since Saturday. I haven't stopped crying. I eaten maybe 500 calories since then with no appetite. I can't even shower because Tommy why lying in the tub on Friday, the night before he died. I think he liked the cold. Was my apartment too hot for him? All these thoughts keep running through my head. Not many people understand this pain I'm experiencing. They judge. But I loved him so much. I keep thinking I could've done more. Tommy baby, you were my world. I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you in my arms just one more time and listen to those loud purrs of yours. I wish I could watch you "hunt" your toys again and giggle like I used to as you brought them to me. I wish I could wake up again and feel you lying on my chest like I did every morning, with your claws gently pressing into my chest. Now I cry, and I cry, and I cry, because you're not here with me anymore. You left too soon. You only lived 5 years. My baby, I miss you so much. When will this hurting stop? Until we meet again sweetheart. I love you.
  22. Loss of my boy cat

    2 years ago on July 2nd, 2015 an angel came into my life. I had had cats my entire life but this one was unlike any I'd ever known. I rescued him from a horrible situation-he had a broken leg and was scarily malnourished. He was under a month old. I raised money to pay for his surgery on his leg, I nursed him back to health, and I took him back East with me for my senior year of college. He was my best friend. In college I was depressed, lonely, isolated, and angry. But he was there with me through it all, helping to make my life easier. I got him another kitty to spend his days with, and she loved him as much as I did. They were my children, my angels, my best friends, and best friends to each other. They spent 9 months with me in college, and then moved back home with me when I graduated. Everyone loved him, though. She was a sweet kitty, but he was special. I named him Lumière, because he was the light of my life. We live in a coyote populated territory. But they loved the outdoors more than anything. I didn't want to deprive them of a life they enjoyed. So I allowed them access to the outside world, and they had the most amazing life. She's still with me, but she's not the same. We're both trying to cope. He went missing exactly a month ago. I can't cope. I feel guilty every second. I feel like a part of me is gone. I haven't talked to anyone about this because people judge it being a pet, but even typing this I feel a little better. I'm not a good mother, I should never have let him outside. He was too slow, too friendly, too domestic. I should've been smarter. I can't deal with this pain. I will never feel whole again.
  23. I lost my cat of 21 years yesterday... and the grief is breaking my heart .. she was everything to me ... we grew up and grew old together ... she is free from the discomfort of old age ... which is a good thing ... yet selfishly I ache and wished she was still here with me ..... How do you cope with the gnawing pain and sense of loss it is so raw ... so deep, so painful ... I miss her so much
  24. Hi everyone. On Friday I lost my 4 year old Bengal cat, Leila. She will never leave the house for more than a few hours and when she didn't come home to eat on Thursday I knew something was up. I began putting posters up and did a letterbox drop to my closest neighbours at around 3pm on Friday. I had been walking the neighbourhood and calling her name with her biscuits in my hand. At 5.30pm I went to go for another round of calling when I saw my little girl lying on the road near my house. I collapsed and screamed, my neighbours and my whole family came running out of the house and helped me up off the floor and in that moment I had a good look at her. My bubba had been deceased for over 24 hours. I wont go into the details of the horrendous image I saw, but she was no longer my Leila, she looked so different. Someone had strategically placed her there after seeing the letter in their letterbox. I have been a mess ever since I found her. I have been yelling and crying in pain, I haven't been able to get on with my routine, I haven't been able to go back to work. The house is empty, she is gone, and things don't feel right. The way this all happened has affected me more than I could explain. I am making myself sick trying to found out what happened to her. Was she hit by a car? Was this an act of cruelty? Did she suffer, was she lying out in the cold still alive waiting for her Mummy to come and rescue her? Leila had a wound on her head but the rest of her body was unscathed. Has anyone had experience with losing a pet this way? Can you offer me some advice or how I could go about finding out what happened to her? I will continue to stress about it until I find out. I have asked my neighbours but I don't think anyone is game enough to fess up. I know it was one of them because why else would they put her out on the road after me pleading to everyone to please help me find her and that I wasn't coping. Has anyone gotten in touch with an animal medium or communicator to find out what happened to their baby? I'm scared that I wont get the answer that I want. Any help is appreciated. Kind regards, Mel.
  25. Loss of my Cat

    I am really struggling with the death of my 15 year old cat, Moo. I made the choice to put him down on Wednesday after a long happy life together. We were best friends. I got him for my tenth birthday, we did everything together. I knew he had kidney disease, but I had him on a special diet and medication until he started bleeding from his back end on Tuesday. We went to the vet and he told me it would cost thousands to just figure out what exactly was causing him so much discomfort. He stopped eating, drinking. But part of me still thinks I made a horrible choice to end his life. He wasn't looking good but I keep thinking, what if he got better. The vet gave me an option to take him home for a few weeks with new medication, but it likely wouldn't have worked. I feel so guilty for it. What if he had more time here and I took it away from him. The thought of never seeing him again kills me. If anyone has any advice, it might help me...