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  1. Next month will mark 7 years since my sister died. She is the only person I’d unironically call a soulmate. It was a long illness and a raw, ugly experience beyond anything I could have imagined. But despite an excellent therapist and support system, I am still barely holding it together 7 years later. Her absence is an acute pain made up of guilt and anger and sadness and lack of closure- a wound that never heals. I read about grief changing or becoming bearable, but mine hasn’t. Instead it feels like I believed I couldn’t live without her and now I’m trapped in the more horrifying truth that I can and I have to. It feels like I can’t connect with other people or get out of my grief. Part of my problem is the idea that I SHOULD feel this way because if she mattered as much as I say she did, living without her really should be a nightmare and to have relief would be a betrayal. I’ve had no luck meeting people who’ve lost a peer or sibling, which is just so unique. So I guess I’m hoping my comments won’t sound insane to this group.
  2. auntie wanting to do what I can

    I'm writing as an auntie of a 2-y-o who was diagnosed with cancer in June. She and her whole immediate family (my sister, BIL, nephew) have all been amazing at taking things day by day and keeping a positive attitude. Unfortunately, it is looking like we will lose her very soon. I want to reach out to all of you to ask what I can do to support my sister and her family as they go through these next few days, weeks, years. What did family/friends do or not do that was important or helpful? I don't want to be asking her, I would like to be able to do things that she doesn't even have to ask for. Up to now I have been somewhat the intermediary between her and my family, updates, etc. as well as wrangling my mom, when needed. I know that nothing I can do will make anything "better" but I would like some ideas of how I could help. Thank you in advance, and my heart is with all of you, as well. Thank you.
  3. Hey, I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for - I just know it's something. I lost my mum after a cancer diagnosis (ovarian, stage 4) It was one of the hardest things I feel I have had to deal with in all of my life. I'm 29 now and lost my mum 6 days before my 28th birthday. In the time of her battle against cancer I was married and my son arrived 7 weeks before my mum passed away. I thought I had dealt with my loss and my struggle through her illness, but I realise now I was showing the bravest face I could for all around me. I also recognise now that after mum passed away I didn't have time to grieve - my wife had post natal depression which lasted until months ago when she was able to seek help. I feel that I'm haunted by the events which I could not process at the time, I'm anxious, low in mood and feel lost. I have an overwhelming sense of worry for my family, worrying that I'll lose them too. I have to help my dad, brother and sister in lieu of my mum. I even feel that I am struggling with my job (Work with young people who are affected by substance use) - the one area of my life where I pride myself in being very strong. Again, I'm brought to the place where I'm not sure why I am writing this - I don't think I seek sympathy, but I feel like I can't cope. I'm usually good at self help - but it's getting me nowhere.
  4. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  5. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  6. Just over two weeks ago my mum passed away from cancer at the age of 48. She was diagnosed in 2015 and that news destroyed her and she suffered depression for a long time after that. Just this last year, she had an operation in July which we all thought would save her. She spent over two months in hospital and she'd completely lost the ability to use her legs. Eventually, she'd had enough and came home. She wasn't home for very long before my dad had to rush her to emergency in the early hours of one morning after she'd spent the whole night throwing up. The doctors had to run tests, and seemed to think it was some sort of issue involving the bowel. It was supposed to be fixable. We later found out the cancer had returned and she would not be curable. In her last days she became completely unresponsive and that is what destroyed me. It felt like I'd already lost her, and I think at that point I'd already started grieving. On the 20th of December she passed away. My dad, my brother and I had just arrived at the hospital when we got the call and we went up to see her. She was just lying there, her eyes half open, cold. But she wasn't there. That wasn't my mum. Where the **** did she go? I've struggled with that a lot. I can't even comprehend how she can just be gone. How can someone be gone? I hate cancer. I'm starting uni this year and my mum should be here with me. She should've still been here with all of us. We all seem so lonely without her. So broken. And there are some things that I just so desperately want to tell my mum... Tell her about a film she'd love.. tell her about something silly I did today that we'd both laugh at... I just want to have her here with us, go to a cafe with her, be like the other daughters and mothers at the shops together. I am so jealous of them. My mum lost her own mum when she too was very young, and her mum died at the age of 49. She lost her mum, and then she too got handed the death sentence. How is that fair? If there is one thing I know about this world that I barely understand, it's that it is damn cruel. I just miss my mum so much. I'm 18, and to go the rest of my life without her now seems daunting. And my poor dad.. and brother.. it's so lonely. I want nothing more than for her to be back with us, and I just want to tell her how much I love her and I can't even do that. And it's not just her that is gone. It's all her hopes and dreams, all her unique quirks. All her silly unrelated emojis she would text me that now I miss so much. Just all gone. I have no religious beliefs but I do hope I will see her again, because I simply can't comprehend just not ever seeing her again. And this life seems so so pointless, do we all just live to die? I miss her so so much.
  7. Just found out

    I posted in the upcoming loss page but I guess that doesn't get much traffic, so I am reposting here. Just copy and pasting so the other post can be ignored. Thanks. Just got home from visiting my mom. She had a tumor in her brain that was just discovered last week and operated on this week. It is glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer. With treatment she has one to two years. Without treatment she has 4-6 months. She is not sure she wants treatment. She doesn't want more time if most of it is spent in treatment. I understand this intellectually but not emotionally. I want my mommy. I want her to fight to the last minute. I want to know we did all we could to make her life as long as possible. But it's not my decision. My parents have made that clear. I respect that but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.
  8. Just got home from visiting my mom. She had a tumor in her brain that was just discovered last week and operated on this week. It is glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer. With treatment she has one to two years. Without treatment she has 4-6 months. She is not sure she wants treatment. She doesn't want more time if most of it is spent in treatment. I understand this intellectually but not emotionally. I want my mommy. I want her to fight to the last minute. I want to know we did all we could to make her life as long as possible. But its not my decision. My parents have made that clear. I respect that but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.
  9. On Monday December 4th I had to put my dog down unexpectedly. He was 7 years old and I had, had him since he was 7.5 weeks old. I had trained him to be by my side since the day i got him, i have high anxiety, panic attacks, struggle with depression etc so he was my companion. Whenever I would go in a room he would follow me, he was my shadow. He had been having bathroom problems so we took him into the vet and they did some tests and gave us some meds. It didn't work, he stopped eating so three days later we took him back and he did more tests and everything was alright, so they gave him two injections. It worked for 24 hrs he ate well and his bathroom situation was getting better. Then everything positive stopped. He wouldn't eat, his bathroom situation was BAD, and he wasn't okay. So on Monday I made an emergency appointment for him and he didn't want to get out of the car when we got to the vets office. Thankfully my husbands mother works as a vet tech at the place we took him so she was able to help me get him out of the car. We got into the room and the vet came into the room and started to check him over and then that is when she felt his neck. His lymph nodes were swollen really bad so she took xrays and confirmed it. He had cancer and she would be surprised if he made it 48 more hours and he was in a lot of pain. So I called my husband so he could come say goodbye. I never expected to loose my baby that day. He was in a lot of pain and we had to do the kindest thing we could. I am not handling this well at all. I feel alone even though technically I'm not. My husband has a dog so there is still one in the house but he isn't my dog. I don't know who I am without my dog, he was such a huge part of my day/life. I cry everyday and miss him so badly. I know everyone says it will get better and it is still new but I really just am so lost. I lost a huge part of my heart that day in that vets office.
  10. Hello everyone. This is my first post. So I had just moved here to Oahu with my husband(active military) this past January from California. First time ever living out of state. I was struggling to adapt to this place despite how amazing it is. We decided one day on a whim to adopt a dog. This was around this past March. We rescued a beautiful and loving hound mix brindle named Bruno. He was such a skinny little thing but still had such a happy go lucky personality. My husband had to fly out back to California for a yearly training a little bit after we took Bruno home, so it was just me and our pup for 2 and a half months. Within those months we bonded and grew closer. He helped me get through those grueling few weeks without my husband. Especially since I knew no one out here yet. Fastforward to this September. I noticed he had a small lump in his nose. I ignored it for a bit but then noticed it getting bigger over a course of a few weeks. We took him to the vet to check it out and they said it was either(forgive me, my vocabulary is crap because this grief has my mind all jumbled) malignant (I hope that’s the word?) or cancerous. I stayed positive and thought, hey maybe it’s malignant. But i got that awful call saying it was indeed cancerous. He was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in his nose. I was told this while I was at work and it was already just a busy and stressful day. So we were referred to an oncologist in Honolulu. His options were a medication called Piroxicam, surgery, and chemo. Piroxicam was the only thing we could really afford. Looking back I really wish we went through with the surgery but it’s too late now. Anyway, we gave it at least a month or so to see if the medication was effective. He only got worse from there and long story short, we were just given the most expensive and most painful options for him. Pretty much a dead end. Life has just been so turbulent for my husband and I since then. Some days we are okay or at least try to be and others our hearts just crumble. His nose has gotten so bad to where he’s starting to scratch it a lot. Me and my husband have already discussed putting him down because we can’t do anything else to save him now. But I just hate how it’s hard to tell when would be a good time. When is it too early? When is it too late? I mean I know he is in a lot of pain but he is also still able to go for walks and eat normally. I don’t want to end his life when he is still able to enjoy life but I also don’t want to have to wait too long and have to put him down without my husband. My husband has to go for another training next month and I’m afraid of Bruno getting to that point where I have to put him down by myself. All the uncertainty has just been giving me so much anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. I need some advice, support, just anything from anyone that went through the same thing. I just feel so broken right now... UPDATE: So with just research, other opinions and heavy,emotional discussion with my Husband, we have decided to put him down this upcoming Sunday. Though he is still able to walk and eat, it just seems day by day he gets worse and suffers more. It breaks our hearts each time we look at his scratched up nose. He also has been sneezing up blood a lot more frequently... We just do not want him to get to the point where he just hates living through the pain. Guys, I am so scared. The mention of even putting him down put me into a mental breakdown that I have never felt before. I'm scared of how I will be when we actually do go through with the process. And I just find myself crying every single day. I just feel so horrible.. Update 12/11/17: sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to all of your loving and supportive comments. Thank you all for your comforting words. Today my husband and I let our angel cross the rainbow bridge. It had to be one of the most heart breaking things we’ve had to do. Leading up to this day, we took him out every chance we got, my husband made him steak and rice and every single day I told him every single thing I wanted to and let him know numerous times to give my husband and I a sign that he is okay after he is gone. What do you know, moments after we left the vet, an egret flew very low and closely to our car. For a good minute. We took that as his sign of letting us know he is okay. I’m relieved he is no longer in pain but I of course still miss him so much...
  11. I lost my mom 3 months ago to lung cancer.. One day she was home and getting better, then 4 days later she was gone.. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I'm have an extremely hard time coping. It seems like the more time that passes, the more it hurts. I find myself dreading getting out of bed, having anxiety being around people even my husband or family members, and having thoughts of hurting myself frequently..
  12. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  13. Hello all, My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that is incurable, but the DR. said that they are going to run cemo on it and try to put it in remission. My dad has lost a lot of weight, and looks sickly. I'm super devastated im sitting here in work feeling sick myself with sadness and grief and I cant concentrate at work, I feel zoned out, when people talk to me I get angry, and I just feel like I am on the verge of crying every hour. I started listening to a book on grief just preparing myself for what might become. I know people might think that is pessimistic, but I have my mother to worry about they have been married for years and years, and I know that eventually I will be okay it will be a long drawn out processes that will forever change my life for the worse. I'm just worried about my mom and what might happen to her the eventuality that my dad does pass away, because my mom has lost both her parents just recently and now her husband has cancer. They had plans when they got old to drive around the country in a RV and that's all I can think about, and it hurts me more knowing they might not have that. What do I do?!! Has anyone ever been in this situation? I'm 27 and male, I have a strong bond with my mother and me and my dad we see each other everyday because we all live in the same house.
  14. I can't bring myself to go physically to a support group, so hopefully I can find some comfort here. . I lost my 5 year old daughter to stage 4 Wilms Tumor almost 4 months ago on May 25, 2017. She beat it once, so they said, though her remission only lasted the summer last year. We got diagnosed this time 2 years ago, the worst news I've ever heard. So out of the blue, as she had just started preschool and never seemed sick at all. Even through all the rounds of chemo, her counts being low, her platelets being almost nothing, she was always her lively happy self. She never complained when I had to give her shots in the leg many nights in a row just to boost her immune system after strong chemo. Right up until a month before she passed, she only took medicine for nausea. We took a Make-a-Wish trip in early April, which was supposed to be five days, and she got pneumonia after the first day. Sometimes I feel that if we didn't take that trip, I could have kept her longer. Everything went downhill after that. I have two boys, 7 and the other just turned 4, and they are the reason I can get out of bed. I try to be strong for my husband, but his grief is so different than mine. He drinks, and hardly ever talks about her. He'll mention that he misses her on his bad days, but I feel like I can't ever talk about her to anybody. I feel like I have to be the strong one, because everyone is going about their day and they don't need to see me bawling my eyes out. I haven't taken a shower without crying from start to finish since she passed. Anytime I'm alone, even if it's just a quick trip to the store, I cry. I scream out to God, why did he have to take they only thing I've ever wanted? Why did he have to take my only girl? She was all I've ever dreamed. Curly hair, loved everything girly and glittery and soft, and had the sassy mood to match. My mini me. My pretty girl. I can't even bake cookies without her. I can't make certain foods that we would make together, and I can't hear our girl songs on the radio. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. I thank God for letting her go in my arms, so peacefully, but I can't understand why. I fought so hard, I gave her every medicine they told me to, I researched clinical trials on my own, I took her out of town in hopes we can get stem cell transplant, but we were never able to. Her birthday is next month, and I'm already upset about it. The pain only gets worse. I miss my Mia. How do I live? I fear I'll never be happy again.
  15. I sincerely don't know if anyone is going to read this...I guess I just need to talk to someone who understands, even if it's just the void. I have always been difficult with men. Not the 'spoiled little brat'' kind of difficult, but the 'weird person'' kind of difficult. I struggled a lot when I was a teenager because I realised that I was attracted to older men and everybody around me thought that was abnormal. It took me many years to finally feel ok with myself and after various crushes -more or less insignificant-, I found love at 22. This man was everything I had dreamed of and the more I discovered his personality, the more in awe I was that such person could A) exist, and B) be interested in me. We were together a year and a half, by far the most wonderful time of my life. I was living the kind of happiness that makes anything that had come before it look so very dull. We were soulmates. He was my first everything and I simply couldn't believe my luck. Halfway through, he started having hip pains, then back pains, that got stronger by the week. After three months of trying everything, we found out. Lung cancer that had spread to the bones, brain and lymph nodes. He was hospitalised during the last three months of his life and I was by his side every single day. Call it denial, call it immaturity, I never thought he would die; but neither did he. We spent every day together, strong and determined to win what we considered would be a long and hard battle. But he died, three months ago. I still can't believe he is gone. I still haven't understood what happened. I'm in a state of shock and denial where I still expect him to come back. I have lost all my will to live. I keep wishing my heart would simply stop beating. I'm not religious, so I don't know if we'd be reunited, but at least I wouldn't have to bear the crushing weight of a life without him. I feel like my soul has been chopped in pieces. Everything has become insignificant and even the other sources of happiness of my life -my friends, my work- fail to give meaning to my existence. I don't have the will or the courage to move forward, be active, be productive like anyone at my age should. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel desperate and I don't want that life without him. My brain hurts just by trying to process what happened, and when I try to imagine my future, all I see is darkness. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on after the loss of such perfection. How am i supposed to go out with other men when they all mean nothing to me compared to him? I was lucky enough to find happiness very early and unlucky to lose it early too. All I wish is to go to sleep and never wake again. I simply don't see a point in living a life where tragic things happen so easily, were extraordinary people are gone in the blink of an eye and all colour and true beauty is lost. I feel old. I feel like no one understands, because they think that my young age is supposed to make me get back on my feet more easily. But I don't want to. All I want is to be with him and I don't ever want someone else taking his place. Ever since I lost him, I died on the inside, but I simply kept on existing. Nothing matters anymore. I want this to not hurt anymore. I am haunted by the life we would have lived together. A perfect life full of love, or even if it didn't turn out like that, a simple life with the right to a breakup. Millions of couples around me get to be together, spend time and then break up, and they just don't realise how lucky they are for that. We were denied even that. Everything would have been better if I had died too along with him. I have become an empty shell. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I hope it will eventually stop beating,
  16. Hi, I have observed several changes in my mouth for the past few months and I fear that I have got oral cancer. I have bumps on the back of my tongue and when I mentioned about this to my doctor, he told me that there is nothing to worry about. Now, I feel like my entire mouth is heavy. I have occasional pain on the side of my cheeks. My gums were light pinkish in color. Now, it has become reddish brown. I came to know that all of these are the symptoms of oral cancer. Things are getting worse each day. I have developed a pain in my throat and it is not going away. On the left side of my tongue, I have developed painful bumps. I have a tingling sensation on my entire tongue. When I consulted a general doctor, he told me that this might be due to some allergies of the food that I had. But, I am not satisfied with his diagnosis and want further examination. I am planning to visit a general dentist in Aurora next week and have an oral cancer screening. I am really tensed and cannot sleep properly. What do you guys think? Do I have cancer?
  17. My oldest sister passed away

    My oldest sister passed away 10 months ago from cancer & the effects of chemotherapy. My whole family is struggling, & so am I. Of course, we pray, as we are Christians. Has anyone joined a group for grief support (not online, in person)? I have been unable to join one yet due to social anxiety & depression. Nearly everyone seems to have forgotten that we are living with this terrible loss. It is so hard, living without our precious sister & second mother. I am glad she isn't suffering terribly anymore, because she really suffered tremendously. I just miss her so much! I feel guilty for yelling at her a few times when I was trying to help care for her, though I was very stressed & exhausted. I should never have yelled at my wonderful sister, who was so sick. I am angry at myself, honestly mad sometimes at God for letting her die, & possibly angry at my sister for not getting to the doctor sooner. Thank you to any who have gone to group therapy for grief support who can tell me if it has helped. May God bless & comfort all on here!
  18. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  19. I lost my dad on May 3rd of this year (2017) from prostate cancer. I am angry at God for all the pain my dad went thru and he slowly took his body and soul. I am upset at myself for allowing hospice to care for him (was medicated for 7 days with no food and etc to reduce his pain). I blame myself for not understanding the consequences. I wish I could turn back time. I am sorry dad. Please forgive me. Please!
  20. It's been 2 weeks since I lost my husband to cancer. He was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer 10 months ago...a devastating blow to us as we had only been married 2 years.....we met 10 years ago in our 40's....we both said at the time fate bought us together....neither of us had been married or had children.....we met at Ballroom dancing! We had a beautiful wedding 2 years ago...and we were both looking forward to many years together...retiring; travelling....building our home....adding a dog to our family of 2 cats! When Andrew was diagnosed we both refused to believe the terminal diagnosis....we searched for treatment overseas and had just returned home after Andrew's latest treatment....when he suddenly went downhill very quickly and passed away within 4 days... He was 59....I'm still putting our wedding album together and now I had to organise my husband's funeral... I lost my mother 3 years ago and Andrew lost his mother last year...just prior to his diagnosis.....I'm only 56 and I can't believe I'm a widow.... We were a fun-loving; young minded couple enjoying dancing; running and our 2 cats of course.... I'm not working and now I'm in our home alone... I do have lots of nice friends and some family but as you all know...it not the same without your soulmate.... It would be nice just to get some replies and chat with others in the same circumstances.... Thank you Susan
  21. Hello All, I have just signed up to this forum as I want to try and help people if I can just by chatting to people (god knows it helped me!) as I know it helps to chat to someone who can relate to what that person is going through. I lost my mum when I was 10 from cancer and it's fair to say it messed my schooling up and being at that age, I didn't really understand what was happening and it started to hit me as I got older the fact that I wasn't going to have that "Mum" influence as I was growing up in my teens. I'm now in my 30's and my step mum has a heart of gold but she still will never replace my mum, I don't think anyone's mum can ever be replaced. I will always miss her and would give up everything I have even just to spend a day with her.
  22. Hey everyone, I'm new to this place and I've been reading some of other peoples posts and somehow it's easier to support someone else, but not yourself. Odd. Anyway, I lost my father to prostate cancer about 5 months ago, after almost 2 years of struggling. The conclusions I can draw at this point is: - At the beginning I mourned but it didn't affect me that much. I blocked out everything just to move on with my life. I was actually proud that I handled it so well, and was saying this to friends and family. - Then boom, earlier this month it just hit me. Maybe it was triggered by my work situation, I don't know, but all of a sudden the depression hit me. It's a little better now, but I was truly surprised about it, it felt wierd that it came so long afterwards. - Since then for some reason, I've isolated myself from my family, fighting with them and just not wanting to be part of it anymore. I don't know, is this normal? This is unknown territory for me, since I'm normally very close to my family. Maybe it's something I have to go through I don't know. - Last but not least, I feel like a different person since he died. A more darker and cynical side of me has emerged and I don't really recognize myself. Is this also normal? I guess time will tell how it develops, but I hope I return to my sunny and happy self soon.
  23. I lost my mother at the age of 22. She battled cancer for 3 years and her last 6 months were painfully slow. It was hard losing her and I suffered from very deep depression during and after her battle with cancer. My father struggled a lot to be by her side always. He drank a lot after she died. Our whole family was in pain. Half a year after my mother died they found a tumor in my dads kidney that they thought was cancer. They removed the tumor and everything seemed well. Now I found out a few months later that he needs to start chemo therapy.. He has lost a lot of weight and I am very afraid of what will happen next. I am terrified. I am 23-years-old and the second oldest from all my siblings. I have an older brother who has been constantly living off my parents and needs more care taking than our youngest sibling. I have three younger siblings aged 22, 19 and 7. One of my siblings already stuggless with their mental health and is constantly on medication. I am basically the one who has to take care of my younger siblings and support them because I know my older sibling can't. We are all still not that mature and I am really scared. I am so sad.. I don't even know what I need. I just needed to let this all out.. I have to be so strong for my siblings yet I am suffering. How do people do this? How are people capable of living knowing they will not have their parents there? I just need some reassuring words that everything is going to be okay.
  24. How Do I Get Past the Guilt?

    My beloved cat, Starbuck, died on Monday, January 16th. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week prior, and the vets at his care center gave him his first chemo treatment the day after diagnosis. Starbuck's full story can be found here : Starbuck's GoFundMe Page (we are no longer seeking donations). Long story short (unless you followed the link), Starbuck got better, then worse, then a little better, then even worse, and through it all, the doctors continued to give me hope, saying things like, "If we can just get him over this hump, the chemo can do its work", and "If we can just get food in him for a few days, he'll be much more stable." I just wanted my kitty to live a little longer, and it seemed like a real possibility, the way they explained it, and all the research I did online seemed to support what they were saying. But after we'd spent $6000 on blood transfusions and a feeding tube and meds and oxygen and ultrasounds and centesis and hospitalization, we ran out of money. The vet called me Monday morning to check in, and let me know Starbuck was doing about the same. I informed him that we had to bring Starbuck home at this point, because we were flat broke. He said he'd write up some detailed instructions for home care. My dog died in November of 2016, we'd had to have her euthanized at this same veterinary facility. The cost was $900. My four children and I got Starbuck home around 1pm. He was MUCH worse off than I'd been led to believe. He was pitiful, and it was obvious he did not have long. My kids were seeing this first hand, and with the exception of one holdout, we agreed that Starbuck needed to be put to sleep, as a kindness. The one holdout, my oldest son, was fully on board with euthanasia by the time of Starbuck's death, which was at 2:30. Until the last minute, he'd still had hope we might find some more money, or that one more dose of medicine might help, or maybe if we waited long enough, Starbuck would improve. He was grasping for any straw out there, he wanted his kitty to live, and I love him for it. Unfortunately, we never had time to act on the euthanasia plan, even though I had found someone to come to our home and do it, at a price my parents were willing to pay, due to our current financial situation. I had read up on ways to comfort a sick and dying cat, and we'd prepared our home in every way we possibly could. He had a cozy bed and blankets in a warm, quiet, draft-free part of the house. His water dish and litter box were right at hand. We had quiet nature sounds playing, and soft, indirect lighting for him to see by. There was room for all of us to gather around him and pet him. We had tried to see to Starbuck's every comfort, and between the five of us, we were ready to provide round the clock care. It wasn't enough. His ending was awful. We were all there, petting him, telling him we loved him, saying that it was okay to stop fighting and let go. He gasped his last breath surrounded by loved ones, but it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't dignified, and I wished to god I'd had enough time to arrange a better ending for him. He was such a good kitty, he was so sweet and gentle and funny, he was so LOVED, and he didn't deserve to die like that, to spend his last moments on earth in distress and pain. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind, and it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. How do I get past this? I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everything I see reminds me of Starbuck. I'm a useless person while I'm consumed with this much grief and guilt, and I want to get better. What do I do?