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Found 34 results

  1. My boyfriend suddenly passed on Dec. 23. He was 35 years old. We had been making love when he stopped suddenly to take a break because he was feeling he said "light headed." I asked if he wanted some water, he nodded yes, so I went to get him water and when I came back his face was red and he wasn't able to look at me, he was concentrated on a point on the wall and he wouldn't look at me, then he fell hard on his side and I ran for help. We called 9-1-1 and they arrived in under 5 min, during which time my father and I were doing our best to perform CPR (though it had been almost 5 years since I trained in CPR). The paramedics arrived, but honestly when we had been with him it had already seemed like he had passed. I can hardly breathe the grief is so palpable. I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair. We had only been dating for 5 months, but we knew. I always heard that when you meet the right one, you'll know. We knew. We said I love you only 2 months in. We went on a huge 2 week trip to Europe (so glad we did) 3 months into our relationship. He was home with me in Texas visiting my family for Christmas when this happened, so the guilt I feel over him being there and not in our home state (California) - and his family didn't know me very well so I'm just devastated. We all are. Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he? Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue. I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.
  2. The love of my life died.

    It’s been two weeks since I got the call that my boyfriend died. It’s been two weeks that my world stopped. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this was man I was going to marry in a few years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. We had a 5 year plan, we wanted to go to grad school and then settle down to have babies. Now that can never happen. To make things worse, I found out that he had been seeing another woman and was with her the night of his death. They had only been seeing each other for three weeks, and they never had any sexual relations, but he betrayed me. *to give a little more background info, we had broken up around the time he started seeing her, but decided that we wanted to work things out, he just needed some space to be able to go out with his friends. We mutually agreed that seeing other people would not be included in that. We were still in a relationship, we just needed air to breathe but we knew we were still going to be together regardless, and that we were together.* I’m angry because what he did, but I can’t be mad at him. He’s the only one I want to comfort me right now. He’ll never be able to do that. I know the grieving process is not going to be easy, but I’m not sure how to go about grieving the loss of my boyfriend and forgiving him when he’s not here to talk things over with. I’m just conflicted, angry, and depressed. I just don’t understand why. I don’t know why he had to die and I don’t understand why he would do that to me.
  3. My boyfriend was my whole entire world. We may have been young but we knew what we wanted and that was each other. He lost his long fight with depression on August 4th 2017, at the age of 19. But he gained his angel wings to finally fly free and be happy. I am only 18 years old. I am so lost & so broken. We spent everyday together almost & when we weren't together we were either texting or on facetime until we could be with each other again. He had depression since he was a freshman in high school. I met him my 7th grade year of middle school, he was my first everything. We had plans to get an apartment together this month and start our forever.. I am trying to do everything i can to make him proud & express my love for him to him & others. i will never stop loving him, telling people about how amazing of a person he was, and i will never stop wishing that he was still here beside me. I love you my forever for always Tyshawn Napoleon Reese. 12.15.1997-08.04.2017, fly high my angel boy until we meet again. Also, i created a go fund me to help me out with purchasing a tombstone- gf.me/u/cqa7jb
  4. Okay so I'm new to this (please don't judge my grammatical errors ) On May 10th 2017 my boyfriend of almost 2 years died of a sudden overdose. I didn't find out until the 15th that he had died , didn't even get to go to his funeral. He's Muslim by the wayour so the buried him before I even found out . It's funny because we were fighting like cats and dogs and I never in my life thought he would die just like that . Me and Bubba didn't have the best relationship and that's a known fact to be honest he kinda of ruined my life and I'm not sure if I'm mad at the fact that he died or the fact I didn't get to cuss him off. I saw him the day before he passed away we weren't on speaking terms at all ,but I guessing God wanted me to see him one more time. It's been almost 3-4 months and I'm honestly trying my best to be a strong person for him but it really hurts and I'm kinda of losing it
  5. 4 months in

    I lost my partner of 15 years in April this year, very suddenly to cardiac arrest. He was only 30 years old. I was with him the entire time and I am still dealing with what I saw that night, which I am finding very hard. Although I have days where I am feeling ok and the first fog I experienced is beginning to lift, I am also finding it difficult to understand some of the things that have come to light since his passing. Exactly two weeks after he died, I found a Facebook message hidden away in my spam folder that was sent in 2014, from a fake profile. The message contained such hate and vitriol towards me, and it explained that my partner was cheating on me with multiple women and had been for ages. The message named one of the women he was supposedly cheating on me with, and I knew her name. Due to the detail contained within the message, I felt compelled to confront her, hoping that the original message was as fake as it seemed but coincidental in the level of detail it contained. Unfortunately the truth came out - admittedly the woman was very brave to tell the truth given the circumstances - but she made me aware of her affair with my partner back in 2013/14 that I had absolutely no inclination about. She also confirmed he was seeing two other women before her, but she didn't know who they were. I still have no idea who the fake profile is, which unsettles me as I believe it is someone I know. I don't know the identities of the two other women mentioned and it's making me very wary of people, given that the one woman named in the message I knew of. I am also trying to "park" the anger brought on by this news, as there's nowhere for my anger to go. I am finding it really hard to locate and process my feelings about all of this towards my partner, in terms of what I saw that night, the loss I am feeling but also the anger. I feel like I have buried someone I didn't know, but I am also grieving someone who I was with when I had no inclination whatsoever about the infidelity. Even today, I still can't think of any signs that he was cheating in hindsight. It has also since come out on the post mortem report that his death was due to advanced heart disease, accelerated by daily cocaine use. I knew of instances where he did take the drug, however I was so strongly against him taking it (I felt I almost began living as a codependent) that he became so good at lying and hiding it. I have such anger about the fact that he has effectively killed himself despite me saying to him on many occasions that this drug is deadly and causes such an affect to your heart over prolonged use. It was beginning to affect our relationship in the last year, and it has now also taken away my partner. I now look back and think how could I have missed it all - the women, the drugs... I feel so silly and used. And then I feel so guilty for thinking these things, as I am still here. Does anyone have experience in dealing with infidelity after your loved ones death? I am finding the grief of losing my best friend hard enough to cope with on it's own, let alone having this news thrown at me too. I just don't know what I have done to deserve this all. It all feels too much. Xxx
  6. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    Hi everyone, I lost my boyfriend, Jake to a heroin overdose (was later found out it was 100% pure Fenanyl he was sold) May 9th, 2017. I truly feel that Jake was my soulmate and I still find it extremely difficult to believe/accept that he is no longer here on Earth. Some days are better than others. I have been having a rough couple of days and have felt very alone, so I figured I would sign up on here to talk to people who are similarly struggling. I have a difficult time wrapping my head around the reality that he's gone. When I think of him, sometimes it still doesn't feel real. I don't know when it will begin to feel truly real. I have a difficult time sleeping, and have only noticed this recently. I hate sleeping. I don't know what to do. I feel most alone at night time, when he and I would stay up all night talking, and when the rest of the world is fast asleep and I am alone with my thoughts. I found Jake dead in his apartment, and this is something that has been extremely difficult for me to deal with. My anxiety is at an all time high. I have worked so hard to get off of psychiatric medication prior to his death, and I do not want to revert back to it...but some days I just feel so physically sick and hopeless...what can I do? I have tried guided meditations and they only work sometimes. I see a grief counselor weekly which helps, but I just feel so stuck in this pain. I hate it. I guess I just want to feel support. I'm 22 years old and I have experienced something not many people my age ever have to experience, so it's isolating. I have recently put together a blog(here) of my journal entries to him, in order to not only help myself, but to also help others. As soon as Jake died, I was googling things like "my boyfriend died, what do I do?" and I didn't find much of anything and felt completely hopeless and lost. I knew I wanted to share my journal entries in hopes of helping people and connecting with people who are coping with the same thing as me. I'm at a loss for words. I guess I just wanted to put my first post out there and begin to integrate into the community. xx
  7. Grief & Anxiety affecting my thoughts.

    My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  8. My mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago in July 2015. It is July now and at the end of the month it will officially be the 2 year mark. I have been a mess all of July, even a few weeks before July came about, and it's been very hard for me to deal with. Along with dealing with my grief I also have anxiety, minor depression and some OCD tendencies. It is my own fault, but I don't think I have allowed myself enough time to grieve. I always have plans and I am always working and running around from one place to another. It is rare I ever put aside time for myself, I have been this way all my life. Approaching this month of July, for 2 weeks straight I had horrible knots in my stomach 24/7. This had never happened to me before and they would not go away. My throat also felt a lot tighter and it still does. Then, I started having all these negative thoughts floating about my head, a lot to do with my boyfriend, who I love very much and have been with for almost 3 years now. They were thoughts that I don't agree with at all, thoughts like "do you really love him?" "your stomach hurts because you don't want to be with him anymore" and stuff like that. I love my boyfriend so much - he has been nothing but a constant source of support and love for me, especially in this difficult time. I've also been 100% honest with him about these thoughts and what I've been feeling. I was just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else and if so, what steps did you take to make it a bit easier? The last thing I want is to lose my boyfriend, and I truly don't think I will because he's been so understanding, but having these thoughts is so frustrating and upsetting to me. Part of me feels like I am just so emotionally bottled up and drained that I am feeling so many things and worrying about so much that I don't even know what to feel anymore. And of course, with it being July, I've been even more upset than usual. Anxiety and depression doesn't help, either. Any thoughts or input would be much appreciated - it's hard to feel strong and get through my everyday when I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning things I feel like I don't need to be questioning.
  9. Can not go on living

    Hello. I really cannot see myself living past the age of 21, I am suicidal, but things are complicated. The love of my life and my only friend passed away unexpectedly the morning of the 5th of june. The last thing we spoke to each other was a small disagreement, ending with us going to sleep, but it was alright, we fel asleep next to eachother, an hour and a half later I woke up and found him unconscious and pale on the floor. He was 24, and just like me in every way, it might as well have been me, he was so much more talanted and smart. I wish I would have died with him, yet this existence goes on, it is torture, my life was miserable before i met him, then i got to know what it was like to be happy before we were taken from eachother. I can't go on knowing he is gone, our life together is gone and its never coming back. I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years, looking back at the love of my life, he who will forever be 24 years old. The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want. The reasons I havent done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I have no friends, no ambition, no things I am good at, nothing that I can give to others by living. He was such a wonder child, everything he put his mind into he became good at, extremely talented musician, and as a child he was a national champion in all airgun tournaments. He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away. I spent some time by his body, asking him why this happened, telling him I loved him, that I always will, I kissed and hugged his dead body, he laid in a bed, looking up in the roof, not seeing me, I told him I loved him so much, he did not respond, I cried and cried, my hands against his face. I can not go on living, I am so traumatized and broken, everyone said we were going to last forever. I believe we were meant for each other, we were so alike, I will die knowing that our time was short, I truly believe I am meant to go with him, our short lives are going to end together. Forever together at the place we first met 5 years ago. This was my first post where I explained more on what has happened; Everyone stands alone on the heart of the world, pierced by a ray of sunlight, and suddenly night falls.
  10. Loss of my love

    Hi everyone, My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life. thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.
  11. Hey, I am a 21 soon to be 22 year old male from sweden, I will try to tell you all what has happened, I want to tell people and I think I need help. When I was 17, I was having a lot of emotional issues, felt like I didn't belong, did not have any friends in school, barely went there, was going through an identity crisis of sorts. At this time i registered on another forum for LGBT people. After about a week, I wrote to this person, a 19 year old from a town situated pretty close to mine. We talked for a while, we decided to meet in december of 2012, at his foster parents home. Discovered that we were very much alike, same height, interests, personality. We were both pretty introverted I guess, a little lonely. He was a classical musician, and aspired to be a teacher. He had his own Grand piano in his room, and he played some of his favorite compositions to me, and he tried to teach me some basic melodies. We spent the entire nights watching movies, talking, one of the movies I remember that we watched was a low budget version of "80 days around the world". I joked about that being our anniversary movie. But some things were still complicated, I was not ready to come out, things broke off between us and we didnt meet eachother. But after two years, I had matured and sorted myself out a bit. This was in december 2014 now, i was 19 and he just turned 22. But he had movies far away, he was now studying classical music at a school in the northern parts of sweden. But when we started talking again. We never stopped talking, every day from then on. I made the long train journey there, the school was beautifully situated near a big lake by the mountains. We decided to officially become partners there, one day almost three years ago. He surprised me soon after that, he sent me a picture of an acception letter from another school, that luckily was located where I lived, he wanted to move all the way down here to me. I even got to study at the school to, since I had some missing grades from earlier, we moved together, and for a year we went to the same school, taking the bus together. This was the best time of my life, being with him, I had no friends besides him, but that didnt bother me, i only needed him. People thought we were so alike they mistook us for siblings often, we lost count on how many times it happened. We spent so much time planning for the future, moving away, work, life in general. My boyfriend didnt live with his original parents, they were not suited for it, as they were addicts. But him and his brother were adopted by a very kind and supportive couple who became their parents. We wanted to have our own children too. We were engaged, we didnt surprise each other often, not so many romantic surprised and such. We were happy anyways. I showed him the engagement ring on the bus home from work last year. We got to work at the same place too. Never wanted to leave each other sides. I think i told him every day that i loved him and couldnt be without him by my side, he said the same to me. I finished school entirely on the 2th of june, he was working that day. We were finally free to move away, do what we felt like, start a new chapter in our lives. We had looked forward to this for two years. He told me not to worry about the two years we didnt meet, we were both young, that those two years were going to pale in comparison to our lifes together. We got to live together for just over 2 and a half Years. On sunday, june the 4th we were going to spend the entire day just resting. But at 7am he gets a call that his Co worker was sick, he was tired, i were too. He was going to have employment interviews tomorrow. I stepped in and took his shift, i regret this, now that i know this was our last day together. I came home in the after noon. He came down the stairs when i opened the door and hugged each other. He said that he had cleaned and taken care of a few arrends while i was away. I told him that that wasnt necessary, but he was energetic and happy. i was tired that evening, but it was calm and ordinary, we listened to music and played games, i showed him a song i heard on the radio by the Singer Anastacia, called "sick and tired" and "left outside alone" they were a bit nostalgic. But very ironic titles now when i think back, that it was among the last we listened to. At 12, we turned off the lights, i was more tired than him, having gone up early, usually he was asleep before me, but now now. I remember our last conversation was over me looking at the phone in the dark in bed, and he asked me what i was looking at. It was nothing unusual, i cant even recall the last thing i spoke to him. I had no idea that would be the last time i heard and felt him alive. The next thing i remember was my sister who lived with us then running up the stairs sounding very alarmed, she had heard something. I had not, but became worried quickly, we walked about a bit, but then i saw the bathroom door was locked. I asked him how he was feeling, there was no response, i felt this feeling sink into my gut. I unlocked the door and he laid on his back, pale and unresponsive, i screamed for help and my sister ran to me, i dragged him out and we started CPR. I put my mouth against his to blow air into him, while my sister compressed his chest. When i blew blood poured out, i can still taste it, that iron like sensation, i was covered in blood, i was in panic, the ambulance was on its way but didnt know what house it was, i ran outside in the rain screaming for them to come quicker. This all happened about an hour after i last spoke to him. They ran inside and took us into another room away from him, there were so many of them there, my dad worked at the fire departement and they were there assisting, but he was home sick that day. I was not mentalt present, i sat with a plastic bag asking what had happened, how it was going, but they didnt answer, we spent the entire night in the emergency, his family and mine. After about an hour of trying to bring him back, a doctor came and told him he had passed away. I was in complete disbelief and shock. They had tried everything, stimulating his heart and giving him 16 shots of adrenaline. Nothing had worked. My wonderful boyfriend, my reason to live, my only and best friend was gone in a night without warning. He was healthy, slim, we were both healthy. When I found him he had a wound on his nose and there was some blood in the toilet. I wished he would have said something, given me some sort of sign. Apparently his lungs had been filled with blood, the sounds my sister heard was him gasping for air. I am crying writing this, i couldnt be there for him during that horrible experience, he didnt deserve this, i wish i would have disappeared along with him. I want to meet him again. I dream almost every night about waking up and telling him about this nightmare ive had, but i cant. I am stuck in it, i miss him so much. I have lost my will to live, my boyfriend who i had known for 5 years and intent on being with eachother forever. I am only 21, he was only 24 and my life is over. I dont understand anything, he brought meaning to my life, before i had none. Now i am all alone. I live at my mothers house, constantly feeling absolutely horrible and in disbelief. I try to bargain and think of situations Where i could see him again or rescue him. My mind cant process the fact that he is not here. I remember the person i was with him, a month ago, just thinking about the future, our issues were so uninportant. I sleep all the time, thanks to medicine, but i cant go on without him. I think of ending my life all the time, i miss him so much. I cant go on. I love you Niklas, why did this happen? My smart, ambitious, cute, loving, kind, talented boyfriend. He wrote so much music and text, poems, he loved being creative. He was so innocent, he deserved a full life, not this. I miss him I look at the things he wrote and poems he saved up until his death.. one of the last he saved under a folder "not sorted but great poems" was one by Edgar Allan Poe, I relate to it a bit, I wish i could get him back, he had so much more to do, he was the last person you thought would die before his life even began, no bad habits at all. I cant go on like this, his funeral is this friday. We will play some of his favorite music on it. It feels so wrong, we were supposed to be enjoying summer. Now i sit here all alone, with no friends, no life worth living without him. Excuse my english, it is not my primary language. The poem he had saved was "a dream within a dream" "Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow — You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand — How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep — while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?"
  12. I lost my boyfriend

    Hello guys, I want to share with you what have been the lost of my boyfriend the last week As a quick view of our history we meet last year and since we meet we started dating, people could say It was so fast but we didnt care because we both felt we had found our soulmate, we both had really bad expirences from past relationships and we felt we were made to care of each other and make us happy. He is 26 years old and I'm 25, last week (on monday) we were texting and he just stopped sending text msgs and I waited like two hours and opened my facebook and saw in the news he had an accident, by that time my world break down to my feet, I called his brother and he told me he was at the hospital and it was bad, I run to the hospital and then they told me he needed RPC and he can not breath by himself, he made trough friday and finally died. Now, one week later I dont know what to do, how to feel, because he was my best friend, I cant barely believe this is happening to me, we wanted to get married, start a life together, he made me feel loved, and he filled my life of joy and happines, and now he is gone, my partner in life is dead And so much people get close to say to me: dont worry you are young and you will find another men, and it drives me so mad, people dont understand the love we had for each other. Im lost, a part of me died with him and I dont know how I can make it after this. Thank you for reading
  13. Hello, I am really seeking help for my boyfriend, sorry for the long post My boyfriend is 19, just months ago in August his mother, who he was close with as an only child, passed away. He was away at college basketball camp, and she became ill, he came home and she was admitted into the hospital and in a matter of 2 weeks many complications arose and she passed away. The 2 weeks after her death he spent planning her funeral, having a graduation party, and packing to start college. He is a freshman at the same college as me, and also is a division 1 basketball player, so from her death he had a lot to deal with. He went to three therapy sessions, but quit as he got busy with basketball and school. He has only cried to me twice about her in the past 8 months. We were very close, best friends, very open honest, and in love, but in the past month things went downhill. The school did a video capturing the story of her death, this came out last month. The weekend that came out he got a lot of people reaching out. He then got extremely drunk, and cried and went over her death more than he ever has, even saying he wants to kill himself. The next morning he went to talk to his coaches and assured me he was okay and it was just drunken thoughts. His motivation for school and basketball slowly dropped, and i began fighting with him and found myself nagging him to do is homework and such. 2 weeks ago, he randomly broke up with me, ending our 2 year relationship which he had plans to marry me and such. He said that I needed to focus on myself and take care of my anxiety and depression, and stop arguing with him about little things, but he still loved me. Within the 2 weeks he has completely changed, he is short and angry with me. He isn't really talking to his friends, and only plays video games all day. I have been trying to talk through things with him, as he was never one to give up on a relationship, and he refuses. He also refused to go home saying "there is no one he wants to see at home" and will not go back to therapy. Today he revealed to me he dropped a class and quit his major, which he was very passionate about. I am just very worried that all of this, the breakup and everything is apart of something bigger related to his mothers death, since he did not have much time to grieve. He as suddenly turned into someone I do not know. I am very worried about him and was just seeking clarity and advice.
  14. It's almost been a year since the passing of my mother. I'm 27 she was 49 and I really feel cheated and pissed off she went so early. She was full of life and had dreams. She wanted to learn how to dance and overcome her own emotional obstacles and learn to be happy. I wanted that for her, just like she wanted for me (Or still wants...I believe she watches over me). My mom and I were close and I'm sad she'll never see me reach my life goals, get married or have kids, she didn't even get to go to Ireland and see the castles; she had never even been on a plane before...She wanted to see the world. She did however get to see me on TV for a small second wearing a dress she bought me and she recorded it and was so pleased, it made me feel like a star (Such a mom thing to do right?!) So, I hold onto that as my little win. So after I got back to my house in Vancouver (Family is from Ontario) I had a pile of things to do because I had been gone for a month. I had to get back to work, finish a couple personal projects (fundraiser and short film) and then on top of that I thought I was going back to my boyfriend...Well I ended up breaking up with him a week later. He brought another girl to the house and had sex in my bed...THE DAY I FLEW OUT TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER!!! Oh yeah, I know how to pick em! So I got that loser out of my life...now I'm scared I let another one in... So I'll fast forward to a month and a bit after **** storm. I bumped into a friend of mine I knew through the comedy community and we started seeing each other. I told him I didn't want to date because I wasn't in the best of places and I was reassured that it would be fine and could work through it, I said no, he asked why, I explain again. I find this is the process for a lot of my emotional stuff. If I feel sad about my mom and currently I'm in one of those long waves of sadness; I mean the ones that last for a week or so. I keep waking up sad and then I get really happy in certain points of my day and then feel absolute **** again, then tears, then I'm alright and just meh. It's never ending and I don't know how to deal with it perfectly or if that's even a thing. I told my boyfriend that I needed some space and that I did not want to go on vacation on the anniversary of my mom's death (I said yes at first and then changed my mind that maybe I would like to honour that day differently) I got the "It's time to get over it" phrase and I said he has no business having two parents and telling me where I should be in my grief. I am so afraid that maybe we are not emotionally compatible (if that's even a thing!) He doesn't think it's healthy the way I'm acting, or that I cry. One time I was drunk crying about my mom in the street and he hugged me for about 20 seconds before he let go and kept walking...What is that? Has anyone ever dealt with such an emotional idiot? And do you think it's healthy for me to still be feeling so sad after almost a year? What does it feel like even after 5 years?
  15. Reaching Out

    Hello everyone. I'm reaching out because I need support so badly. I lost my partner on December 2, 2016. He was my boyfriend. We had plans to get married, but neither of us had enough money to even think seriously about a wedding, so we were never officially engaged. But we had already made promises to each other and we knew that what we had was the real deal. What happened was horrible. Jason was in a building that caught fire. He died of smoke inhalation. I've never actually said that out loud or written it until just now. I had talked to him earlier that day and we had told each other how much we loved each other. I still can't make sense of what happened. I lost my best friend and my favorite thing about the world. I was seriously considering suicide until last week, when something changed and I had stopped thinking that way. I just want to be with him so badly. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, but I just need to try something. I'm going to school in France and I miss my family and friends so much. I don't have anyone here who I can really talk to.
  16. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  17. Boyfriend died last year

    Not sure how this will help me yet, but I'm hoping someone will come around with a similar experience around losing a partner to schizophrenia or mental illness that isn't suicide. A little over a year ago, 3/18/15, my boyfriend died from polydipsia. It's when a schizophrenic person drinks too much water, thinking it will cure them of whatever mental or physical pain/illness they are feeling... He didn't kill himself. It wasn't suicide. He told me how much he loved life the day before he died. He was trying to help himself in his own convoluted way. He found out he was schizophrenic about a year before he died, but he didn't tell me. He told his mom and they kept it mostly a secret. I knew he had something going on, but I respected his privacy and let him deal with it. He was taking his medications irregularly which I think is part of what led to his death. I found out about his diagnoses on his discharge papers (He was checked into a mental hospital a couple of times previous) that I found while cleaning his room... I just wish he'd told me. We met when I was 13 and he was 15 through a mutual friend, and I moved away we just visited each other every few months and texted a lot. We were together 3 years and 8 months. He was going to propose to me for my 18th birthday. He was basically the perfect match for me, and I don't know if I will ever find anyone like him again. Or anyone who could compare to him. I don't know if I can fall in love again. I know I'm young, and I'm sure I will someday, but it's just so hard to imagine ever loving anyone the way I loved him. He was my other half. Our parents and our friends were convinced we were perfect for each other and even though we had our rough patches like every other couple, it was mostly about the distance and his recurring mental breakdowns, along with my own depression and anxiety. I was sure we could get through it together, and he was sure he could fix himself so he could be the best version of himself for us, his family, and our future kids. (We wanted two...) He lost his father and his uncle and had a pretty traumatic Mormon upbringing, so the added mental illness just brought him over the edge I guess. I don't know. Ask me questions about my experience or tell me about yours. I would love to hear about anyone my age dealing with this or who've had similar experiences, and I don't mind answering questions for others who are curious and/or dealing with their own losses. Thanks everyone...
  18. Marriage in the afterlife

    Hi - I am new to this forum, but it has already proven to be some form of "comfort" to read the stories of others and see that going crazy is a common experience following the sudden loss of a partner. I found my boyfriend passed away just 10 weeks ago at age 27 from sudden heart failure, and I have yet to post in the Loss of a Partner section, but definitely will do so when I feel ready to share our full story. But specifically at this time, I am heavily dealing with the difficult loss of hope for the future & a desire to leave this earth to be with him (suicidal), and I am posting here about my unresolved questions about marriage/partnership/love in the life after leaving this earth. My boyfriend and I are believers & we did our best to do everything the "right" way - so of course the questions of "What kind of God would allow this to happen?" "Why didn't God intervene with just a tiny miracle or at least warn me ahead of time so I can try to pray and stop it?" "Shouldn't good people be rewarded for the wonderful things they do and evil people punished?" have gone through my head. Together, we grew closer in our personal relationships with God (reading the Bible more often, reading other Christian books about purpose and vision, praying and going to church more often), and we even practiced celibacy for a time period in order to develop our relationship the right way (we did have sex outside of this time period, however). For the first time in both of our lives we found real & true love & wanted marriage, we were planning engagement within 6 months, and we had not been blessed with children yet - so when he left this earth he also took all of my hope & future plans. Although I will never understand why, I am moving out of the denial process & am just now accepting that my love is NEVER coming back, and that i lost half of me to heaven. So now my questions remain about our relationship status in the afterlife. I know that the Bible says we will not marry or be given into marriage in heaven, and we will not have earthly bodies so there is no function for sex. I also know that we may be arranged by families in heaven, so husbands and wives will be reunited with their children & other family members... but what about the familial relationship between partners if they were never given the opportunity to be officially married in a church by an ordained minister here on earth? Will I be reunited with my boyfriend in heaven in the same way a husband and wife would? From the Bible, I also can see that once our bodies are resurrected, there is a possibility that there will be marriage on the New Earth when creation is redeemed to God's original standards forever, especially since the Bible mentions that children will continue to be born. The Bible also mentions that God will "restore to you the years which the locust have eaten," so can I expect that my love and I will have the chance to marry and be blessed with children on the New Earth since we were robbed of this opportunity by having our years together stolen from us on this earth? If this is so, what can I do to ensure we will be given this chance to marry on the New Earth? Should I abstain from sex, marriage, and children for the rest of my life? Should I become a nun? Or if I do eventually fall in love again, should I never officially marry so that I can remain "single" just as my boyfriend was at the time of my death? Should I die young just as he did in order to ensure that we recognize each other & are on the same page in the afterlife? I may sound like a nut for such questions (I'm actually beginning to accept the nut I have become now), and I know it is impossible to know everything bcuz we are not God himself, but I cannot begin to explain how DESPERATELY i need to be back with my loving partner for the rest of eternity & these are questions for which I need clarity in order to decide how long & in what ways I will continue living my life out...
  19. Helping someone grief

    My boyfriend dog past away and he is emotionally distress to the point he doesn't go to work and he does not answer my calls nor txt when I just want to help him. He just says he likes to deal with his personal problems on his own. Is this normal? Should I just leave him alone? It's scary?
  20. Part of my heart is gone

    Me and my ex boyfriend were on and off for 5 years. Despite being broken up we would still spend multiple days and nights a week together, he practically lived at school with me. I will not sugar coat it, it was not a perfect relationship, he was not a perfect man. He cheated, he mentally and emotionally messed with me. I stuck around because he was my first boyfriend and well, I loved him. Finally I graduated college, causing me to move home. I used this as a reason to slowly break our "relationship" since he could not come sleep at my parents house and it took about 45 minutes to go see each other. But we still remained friends. best friends. his bad drinking habits continued and I couldn't stand how he would talk to me, so i learned to argue back finally... and in this time of being "independant" found someone else. Someone who treated me way better than he did. It was then that he realized what he had, and that he was losing me. He begged, pleaded and tried his hardest to convince me to come see him, hang out.. anything. I refused. I told him no and that he didnt deserve me in his life after how terrible he was to me in the past. He told me he had changed (but I heard that 1000x ) and he wanted to make sure we never had a bad memory again, he wanted to heal the pain hed given me in the past. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and " if he dated anyone else, he'd just be settling". I stood my ground and said no. i wouldnt even visit. Eventually I blocked him from calling me and texting me since he was drunk one night and when i told him i wouldnt visit he joked about dying and said " when i go, wear blue to my funeral" it took a while after that for us to even speak again.. and even then it would be quick, i would be mean, or only a quick snapchat back and forth. Then one morning one of my friends messaged me asking if he was okay, and i was at work.. I checked his facebook only to see a post from his brother that he was in the hospital. I instantly unblocked his number to text him and say please tell me you are okay. Shortly later his sister in law called me. He had passed away last night. I didnt even know what to do. Now it's almost been 3 months that hes gone and i CONSTANTLY think about him. Day and night. My heart is broken and i cry everyday. I don't want to live without him for the rest of my life but I would never make the decision to take myself from this earth. I often look at our pictures, listen to our songs, watch videos of him telling me he loved me when we dated, and read our old messages to each other. Part of my heart was buried with him and I don't know how to heal and I just want it to be okay eventually. I try to stay positive but it just does not work. He wasnt perfect and neither was our relationship, but that was my heart.
  21. Hi I'm new to the forum, I was looking for some place where people wouldn't take my grief lightly like people around me does. I had dated this sweet guy named Rio from a year and half. He was a very honest, sweet, hardworking, determined kind of guy. He died on December 19th, 2014 (which was 10 days ago) in his sleep. He died of a heart-attack which I suppose was caused by exhaustion from working overnight almost everyday for the past few months. We practically living together for over a year in outside the city for college. He was the guy that was very quiet and secretive to other people, but extremely bubbly, talkactive, silly when he was with me. It was kind of hard when his family said that he was very secretive to them while I know basically almost everything about him. I had always slept on his arms and opens my eyes to his face every morning. He liked to cuddle. He loved it. I never asked him to hug me but he pulled me into his arms every single night. Even though, on the contrary to what other people accused, he was a really decent gentleman. He never touched me inappropriately, hugs me tenderly, held the door open everytime, we also drive to and from campus every single days. To be honest, I had always had a hunch about him. He was the first boyfriend that I always waited to get home safely, or anywhere actually. I had always worried if something bad gonna happen to him when i wasn't around. I always had the feeling that I'd never end up marrying him, but somehow I always knew I'd never break up with him. He was the love of my life. I had 12 relationships before him and had never loved someone that deep. And actually I'm not sure if I would ever love someone that much. He had always been the calm one, I was the one with hard-headed, hot blooded, selfish, harsh personality. Thanks to him, we had a lot of arguments but never lasts more than 24 hours. I read all the written conversation I could find, from post-it notes he used to put all over our room, Whatsapp, Line, texts, emails, Path posts, twitter, facebook, BBM, everything. Now I ran out of things to read. I practically cried and screamed his name almost every night. I came to his grave almost every day. I really don't know what to do without him in my life. We had always been together. We started of as hang out friends too, and our friends are basically the same. So whenever we hung out, we were together as well. I am sick of people keep telling me that the parents are having it worse than me. I'm not gonna say anything about me having it harder or less, but I can't see how on earth thinking that someone else have it harder suppose to make me feel any better... His parents lost their only child, a very bright and honest child that they always proud of, and me, I lost the love of my life that I saw every single day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep again. I don't want to rank my hard with anyone else's, because for me, I am at my rock bottom right now... I still have some friends that is incredibly supportive right now, but I completely aware of the fact that they have their own life, and their routines, and I'd never go back to my routines. My routines has gone.. The one I shared my everyday life has gone forever... There is no more of his panic face whenever he sees me hurt, no more him taking care of me when i am sick, no more gentle kiss in the middle of the night when i was half asleep; whispering "I love you so much", no more... He was kind. One of the purest people i've ever met. Throughout the relationship I had never heard him lie to his parents even once. He was always careful before making promises. He was a really really faithful and religious guy. I love him with all my heart, something that i had never did before him. He once told me "in catholic, when I love someone I'd love her to die" and the thing is, his last word to me was "I love you".
  22. Just six days ago, my fiance came to bed and within a few minutes had a heart attack,. I called 911 and they instructed me to pull him to the floor and do chest compressions. He was not breathing and the compressions seemed to have no effect. Finally EMS came and worked on him for some time with no luck. FInally after he was in the ambulance they got his heart beating and he was breathing on his own. At the emergency room the doctor told me he was stable and was movign him to a better hospital with a cardiac program. AFter hours in the cath lab the doctor told me the did restore some of the blood flow but my fiance would most likely have brain damage. About a half hour later the nurse took me to see him in the ICU and basically told me nothing else could be done they needed to contact his parents.They had to keep him on life support for hours until his sister could arrive. he coded 5 times until they were no longer able to revive him. I want to see if anyone else out there has eperience this with a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance or spouse. Family members too but I think its a little different when its your partner. I really need to talkto someone who had the heartattack happen while you were with your loved one.
  23. I am experiencing some unusual emotions after losing my mom about one month ago. I lost her extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. I lived with my mom and dad and not having her here has been very very hard. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 2 years and he really is a great guy. We are both 21 years old. He has been at my side during my moms death and he is considered part of the family. Unfortunately, after my mom passed, i have been feeling very insecure about myself. I can feel myself becoming unreasonably irritated with him and i know i start arguments with him for no reason. I do not know why and i wish i could control myself but i really cant. I do not feel like myself and i think that if i were to break up with him i would be able to grieve my moms death without having to worry and stress over my relationship. i feel like a burden to him because he can go on in his life and be happy and i cannot. I really try to be my cheery self but i am a different person now. He does not ask me how i feel about my moms passing and i know he does that because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it just makes me resent him. I know he loves me and i love him too but this just feels like it is blocking me from being able to grieve. Even if i do break up with him, i don't know what my reasoning would be. I feel confused and I don't know why i am having these feelings. Has anyone else been in a relationship while grieving and felt this way too? Would it be beneficial for my mental health to be on my own?
  24. i lost my boyfriend on 9/29/14 to SUDEP (sudden unexpected death from epilepsy). He was 25. I couldn't get a hold of him from 11am on, and walked into the apt after work to find him on the ground, already dead. i dont know if i have even processed the shock yet. the medical examiner said that even if he had been in a room full of doctors there's nothing they could have done, which makes me feel better, but every day i go over the following thoughts - - was he taking his epilepsy medicine??? (we wont know the toxicology for a few weeks, and he had a seizure every couple of months) but didn't like how the medicine made him feel zombie-like sometimes - should i have kept my mouth shut about the zombie-like side effects i noticed, and maybe then he would have taken it correctly? - why didn't his doctor tell us he could die? - why did this happen to my sweet, sweet Patrick? literally the most kind-hearted, wonderful soul i've ever met - why did this happen to me?? - i hate everyone who goes home at night to their boyfriend and their cozy wonderful life while i have to be alone i have such anger towards people who in my mind, pretend they have sympathy for me but in reality they have wonderful lives and go home to their boyfriends/husbands and have suffered nothing... i know these people really care about me and this is just my sub-conscious, but its so hard not to resent these people. even my best friend who's boyfriend introduced me to Pat. i hate everyone for all the love and companionship they have, even though i know none of this is their fault. everyone tells me i am a good person so WHAT did i do to deserve this? will i ever be happy again? If anyone has gone through something similar, i'd love to hear your thoughts. i guess i just have a chip on my shoulder and a generally negative outlook about my future and what happened to Pat and I... I am seeing a therapist but would love to hear from people in my same boat. thank you!
  25. Lost my soul mate to cancer

    My boyfriend recently died of cancer and I am completely heart broken. He was only 19. We had been together for nearly 4 years. Even though we were young I have no doubt we were soul mates. Our relationship was perfect. I honestly thought that I was going to marry him and now I don't know what to do. I miss him so much it hurts. I pains me to know that he will never be my husband. We had so many plans together and now I feel so empty. I can't imagine being with anybody else but him. I feel like I have lost all of my spark and I feel like I have nothing to live for.