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About Me

Found 22 results

  1. Hello, I am really seeking help for my boyfriend, sorry for the long post My boyfriend is 19, just months ago in August his mother, who he was close with as an only child, passed away. He was away at college basketball camp, and she became ill, he came home and she was admitted into the hospital and in a matter of 2 weeks many complications arose and she passed away. The 2 weeks after her death he spent planning her funeral, having a graduation party, and packing to start college. He is a freshman at the same college as me, and also is a division 1 basketball player, so from her death he had a lot to deal with. He went to three therapy sessions, but quit as he got busy with basketball and school. He has only cried to me twice about her in the past 8 months. We were very close, best friends, very open honest, and in love, but in the past month things went downhill. The school did a video capturing the story of her death, this came out last month. The weekend that came out he got a lot of people reaching out. He then got extremely drunk, and cried and went over her death more than he ever has, even saying he wants to kill himself. The next morning he went to talk to his coaches and assured me he was okay and it was just drunken thoughts. His motivation for school and basketball slowly dropped, and i began fighting with him and found myself nagging him to do is homework and such. 2 weeks ago, he randomly broke up with me, ending our 2 year relationship which he had plans to marry me and such. He said that I needed to focus on myself and take care of my anxiety and depression, and stop arguing with him about little things, but he still loved me. Within the 2 weeks he has completely changed, he is short and angry with me. He isn't really talking to his friends, and only plays video games all day. I have been trying to talk through things with him, as he was never one to give up on a relationship, and he refuses. He also refused to go home saying "there is no one he wants to see at home" and will not go back to therapy. Today he revealed to me he dropped a class and quit his major, which he was very passionate about. I am just very worried that all of this, the breakup and everything is apart of something bigger related to his mothers death, since he did not have much time to grieve. He as suddenly turned into someone I do not know. I am very worried about him and was just seeking clarity and advice.
  2. It's almost been a year since the passing of my mother. I'm 27 she was 49 and I really feel cheated and pissed off she went so early. She was full of life and had dreams. She wanted to learn how to dance and overcome her own emotional obstacles and learn to be happy. I wanted that for her, just like she wanted for me (Or still wants...I believe she watches over me). My mom and I were close and I'm sad she'll never see me reach my life goals, get married or have kids, she didn't even get to go to Ireland and see the castles; she had never even been on a plane before...She wanted to see the world. She did however get to see me on TV for a small second wearing a dress she bought me and she recorded it and was so pleased, it made me feel like a star (Such a mom thing to do right?!) So, I hold onto that as my little win. So after I got back to my house in Vancouver (Family is from Ontario) I had a pile of things to do because I had been gone for a month. I had to get back to work, finish a couple personal projects (fundraiser and short film) and then on top of that I thought I was going back to my boyfriend...Well I ended up breaking up with him a week later. He brought another girl to the house and had sex in my bed...THE DAY I FLEW OUT TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER!!! Oh yeah, I know how to pick em! So I got that loser out of my life...now I'm scared I let another one in... So I'll fast forward to a month and a bit after **** storm. I bumped into a friend of mine I knew through the comedy community and we started seeing each other. I told him I didn't want to date because I wasn't in the best of places and I was reassured that it would be fine and could work through it, I said no, he asked why, I explain again. I find this is the process for a lot of my emotional stuff. If I feel sad about my mom and currently I'm in one of those long waves of sadness; I mean the ones that last for a week or so. I keep waking up sad and then I get really happy in certain points of my day and then feel absolute **** again, then tears, then I'm alright and just meh. It's never ending and I don't know how to deal with it perfectly or if that's even a thing. I told my boyfriend that I needed some space and that I did not want to go on vacation on the anniversary of my mom's death (I said yes at first and then changed my mind that maybe I would like to honour that day differently) I got the "It's time to get over it" phrase and I said he has no business having two parents and telling me where I should be in my grief. I am so afraid that maybe we are not emotionally compatible (if that's even a thing!) He doesn't think it's healthy the way I'm acting, or that I cry. One time I was drunk crying about my mom in the street and he hugged me for about 20 seconds before he let go and kept walking...What is that? Has anyone ever dealt with such an emotional idiot? And do you think it's healthy for me to still be feeling so sad after almost a year? What does it feel like even after 5 years?
  3. Hello everyone. I'm reaching out because I need support so badly. I lost my partner on December 2, 2016. He was my boyfriend. We had plans to get married, but neither of us had enough money to even think seriously about a wedding, so we were never officially engaged. But we had already made promises to each other and we knew that what we had was the real deal. What happened was horrible. Jason was in a building that caught fire. He died of smoke inhalation. I've never actually said that out loud or written it until just now. I had talked to him earlier that day and we had told each other how much we loved each other. I still can't make sense of what happened. I lost my best friend and my favorite thing about the world. I was seriously considering suicide until last week, when something changed and I had stopped thinking that way. I just want to be with him so badly. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, but I just need to try something. I'm going to school in France and I miss my family and friends so much. I don't have anyone here who I can really talk to.
  4. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  5. Not sure how this will help me yet, but I'm hoping someone will come around with a similar experience around losing a partner to schizophrenia or mental illness that isn't suicide. A little over a year ago, 3/18/15, my boyfriend died from polydipsia. It's when a schizophrenic person drinks too much water, thinking it will cure them of whatever mental or physical pain/illness they are feeling... He didn't kill himself. It wasn't suicide. He told me how much he loved life the day before he died. He was trying to help himself in his own convoluted way. He found out he was schizophrenic about a year before he died, but he didn't tell me. He told his mom and they kept it mostly a secret. I knew he had something going on, but I respected his privacy and let him deal with it. He was taking his medications irregularly which I think is part of what led to his death. I found out about his diagnoses on his discharge papers (He was checked into a mental hospital a couple of times previous) that I found while cleaning his room... I just wish he'd told me. We met when I was 13 and he was 15 through a mutual friend, and I moved away we just visited each other every few months and texted a lot. We were together 3 years and 8 months. He was going to propose to me for my 18th birthday. He was basically the perfect match for me, and I don't know if I will ever find anyone like him again. Or anyone who could compare to him. I don't know if I can fall in love again. I know I'm young, and I'm sure I will someday, but it's just so hard to imagine ever loving anyone the way I loved him. He was my other half. Our parents and our friends were convinced we were perfect for each other and even though we had our rough patches like every other couple, it was mostly about the distance and his recurring mental breakdowns, along with my own depression and anxiety. I was sure we could get through it together, and he was sure he could fix himself so he could be the best version of himself for us, his family, and our future kids. (We wanted two...) He lost his father and his uncle and had a pretty traumatic Mormon upbringing, so the added mental illness just brought him over the edge I guess. I don't know. Ask me questions about my experience or tell me about yours. I would love to hear about anyone my age dealing with this or who've had similar experiences, and I don't mind answering questions for others who are curious and/or dealing with their own losses. Thanks everyone...
  6. Hi - I am new to this forum, but it has already proven to be some form of "comfort" to read the stories of others and see that going crazy is a common experience following the sudden loss of a partner. I found my boyfriend passed away just 10 weeks ago at age 27 from sudden heart failure, and I have yet to post in the Loss of a Partner section, but definitely will do so when I feel ready to share our full story. But specifically at this time, I am heavily dealing with the difficult loss of hope for the future & a desire to leave this earth to be with him (suicidal), and I am posting here about my unresolved questions about marriage/partnership/love in the life after leaving this earth. My boyfriend and I are believers & we did our best to do everything the "right" way - so of course the questions of "What kind of God would allow this to happen?" "Why didn't God intervene with just a tiny miracle or at least warn me ahead of time so I can try to pray and stop it?" "Shouldn't good people be rewarded for the wonderful things they do and evil people punished?" have gone through my head. Together, we grew closer in our personal relationships with God (reading the Bible more often, reading other Christian books about purpose and vision, praying and going to church more often), and we even practiced celibacy for a time period in order to develop our relationship the right way (we did have sex outside of this time period, however). For the first time in both of our lives we found real & true love & wanted marriage, we were planning engagement within 6 months, and we had not been blessed with children yet - so when he left this earth he also took all of my hope & future plans. Although I will never understand why, I am moving out of the denial process & am just now accepting that my love is NEVER coming back, and that i lost half of me to heaven. So now my questions remain about our relationship status in the afterlife. I know that the Bible says we will not marry or be given into marriage in heaven, and we will not have earthly bodies so there is no function for sex. I also know that we may be arranged by families in heaven, so husbands and wives will be reunited with their children & other family members... but what about the familial relationship between partners if they were never given the opportunity to be officially married in a church by an ordained minister here on earth? Will I be reunited with my boyfriend in heaven in the same way a husband and wife would? From the Bible, I also can see that once our bodies are resurrected, there is a possibility that there will be marriage on the New Earth when creation is redeemed to God's original standards forever, especially since the Bible mentions that children will continue to be born. The Bible also mentions that God will "restore to you the years which the locust have eaten," so can I expect that my love and I will have the chance to marry and be blessed with children on the New Earth since we were robbed of this opportunity by having our years together stolen from us on this earth? If this is so, what can I do to ensure we will be given this chance to marry on the New Earth? Should I abstain from sex, marriage, and children for the rest of my life? Should I become a nun? Or if I do eventually fall in love again, should I never officially marry so that I can remain "single" just as my boyfriend was at the time of my death? Should I die young just as he did in order to ensure that we recognize each other & are on the same page in the afterlife? I may sound like a nut for such questions (I'm actually beginning to accept the nut I have become now), and I know it is impossible to know everything bcuz we are not God himself, but I cannot begin to explain how DESPERATELY i need to be back with my loving partner for the rest of eternity & these are questions for which I need clarity in order to decide how long & in what ways I will continue living my life out...
  7. Just six days ago, my fiance came to bed and within a few minutes had a heart attack,. I called 911 and they instructed me to pull him to the floor and do chest compressions. He was not breathing and the compressions seemed to have no effect. Finally EMS came and worked on him for some time with no luck. FInally after he was in the ambulance they got his heart beating and he was breathing on his own. At the emergency room the doctor told me he was stable and was movign him to a better hospital with a cardiac program. AFter hours in the cath lab the doctor told me the did restore some of the blood flow but my fiance would most likely have brain damage. About a half hour later the nurse took me to see him in the ICU and basically told me nothing else could be done they needed to contact his parents.They had to keep him on life support for hours until his sister could arrive. he coded 5 times until they were no longer able to revive him. I want to see if anyone else out there has eperience this with a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance or spouse. Family members too but I think its a little different when its your partner. I really need to talkto someone who had the heartattack happen while you were with your loved one.
  8. My boyfriend dog past away and he is emotionally distress to the point he doesn't go to work and he does not answer my calls nor txt when I just want to help him. He just says he likes to deal with his personal problems on his own. Is this normal? Should I just leave him alone? It's scary?
  9. Me and my ex boyfriend were on and off for 5 years. Despite being broken up we would still spend multiple days and nights a week together, he practically lived at school with me. I will not sugar coat it, it was not a perfect relationship, he was not a perfect man. He cheated, he mentally and emotionally messed with me. I stuck around because he was my first boyfriend and well, I loved him. Finally I graduated college, causing me to move home. I used this as a reason to slowly break our "relationship" since he could not come sleep at my parents house and it took about 45 minutes to go see each other. But we still remained friends. best friends. his bad drinking habits continued and I couldn't stand how he would talk to me, so i learned to argue back finally... and in this time of being "independant" found someone else. Someone who treated me way better than he did. It was then that he realized what he had, and that he was losing me. He begged, pleaded and tried his hardest to convince me to come see him, hang out.. anything. I refused. I told him no and that he didnt deserve me in his life after how terrible he was to me in the past. He told me he had changed (but I heard that 1000x ) and he wanted to make sure we never had a bad memory again, he wanted to heal the pain hed given me in the past. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and " if he dated anyone else, he'd just be settling". I stood my ground and said no. i wouldnt even visit. Eventually I blocked him from calling me and texting me since he was drunk one night and when i told him i wouldnt visit he joked about dying and said " when i go, wear blue to my funeral" it took a while after that for us to even speak again.. and even then it would be quick, i would be mean, or only a quick snapchat back and forth. Then one morning one of my friends messaged me asking if he was okay, and i was at work.. I checked his facebook only to see a post from his brother that he was in the hospital. I instantly unblocked his number to text him and say please tell me you are okay. Shortly later his sister in law called me. He had passed away last night. I didnt even know what to do. Now it's almost been 3 months that hes gone and i CONSTANTLY think about him. Day and night. My heart is broken and i cry everyday. I don't want to live without him for the rest of my life but I would never make the decision to take myself from this earth. I often look at our pictures, listen to our songs, watch videos of him telling me he loved me when we dated, and read our old messages to each other. Part of my heart was buried with him and I don't know how to heal and I just want it to be okay eventually. I try to stay positive but it just does not work. He wasnt perfect and neither was our relationship, but that was my heart.
  10. Hi I'm new to the forum, I was looking for some place where people wouldn't take my grief lightly like people around me does. I had dated this sweet guy named Rio from a year and half. He was a very honest, sweet, hardworking, determined kind of guy. He died on December 19th, 2014 (which was 10 days ago) in his sleep. He died of a heart-attack which I suppose was caused by exhaustion from working overnight almost everyday for the past few months. We practically living together for over a year in outside the city for college. He was the guy that was very quiet and secretive to other people, but extremely bubbly, talkactive, silly when he was with me. It was kind of hard when his family said that he was very secretive to them while I know basically almost everything about him. I had always slept on his arms and opens my eyes to his face every morning. He liked to cuddle. He loved it. I never asked him to hug me but he pulled me into his arms every single night. Even though, on the contrary to what other people accused, he was a really decent gentleman. He never touched me inappropriately, hugs me tenderly, held the door open everytime, we also drive to and from campus every single days. To be honest, I had always had a hunch about him. He was the first boyfriend that I always waited to get home safely, or anywhere actually. I had always worried if something bad gonna happen to him when i wasn't around. I always had the feeling that I'd never end up marrying him, but somehow I always knew I'd never break up with him. He was the love of my life. I had 12 relationships before him and had never loved someone that deep. And actually I'm not sure if I would ever love someone that much. He had always been the calm one, I was the one with hard-headed, hot blooded, selfish, harsh personality. Thanks to him, we had a lot of arguments but never lasts more than 24 hours. I read all the written conversation I could find, from post-it notes he used to put all over our room, Whatsapp, Line, texts, emails, Path posts, twitter, facebook, BBM, everything. Now I ran out of things to read. I practically cried and screamed his name almost every night. I came to his grave almost every day. I really don't know what to do without him in my life. We had always been together. We started of as hang out friends too, and our friends are basically the same. So whenever we hung out, we were together as well. I am sick of people keep telling me that the parents are having it worse than me. I'm not gonna say anything about me having it harder or less, but I can't see how on earth thinking that someone else have it harder suppose to make me feel any better... His parents lost their only child, a very bright and honest child that they always proud of, and me, I lost the love of my life that I saw every single day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep again. I don't want to rank my hard with anyone else's, because for me, I am at my rock bottom right now... I still have some friends that is incredibly supportive right now, but I completely aware of the fact that they have their own life, and their routines, and I'd never go back to my routines. My routines has gone.. The one I shared my everyday life has gone forever... There is no more of his panic face whenever he sees me hurt, no more him taking care of me when i am sick, no more gentle kiss in the middle of the night when i was half asleep; whispering "I love you so much", no more... He was kind. One of the purest people i've ever met. Throughout the relationship I had never heard him lie to his parents even once. He was always careful before making promises. He was a really really faithful and religious guy. I love him with all my heart, something that i had never did before him. He once told me "in catholic, when I love someone I'd love her to die" and the thing is, his last word to me was "I love you".
  11. I am experiencing some unusual emotions after losing my mom about one month ago. I lost her extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. I lived with my mom and dad and not having her here has been very very hard. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 2 years and he really is a great guy. We are both 21 years old. He has been at my side during my moms death and he is considered part of the family. Unfortunately, after my mom passed, i have been feeling very insecure about myself. I can feel myself becoming unreasonably irritated with him and i know i start arguments with him for no reason. I do not know why and i wish i could control myself but i really cant. I do not feel like myself and i think that if i were to break up with him i would be able to grieve my moms death without having to worry and stress over my relationship. i feel like a burden to him because he can go on in his life and be happy and i cannot. I really try to be my cheery self but i am a different person now. He does not ask me how i feel about my moms passing and i know he does that because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it just makes me resent him. I know he loves me and i love him too but this just feels like it is blocking me from being able to grieve. Even if i do break up with him, i don't know what my reasoning would be. I feel confused and I don't know why i am having these feelings. Has anyone else been in a relationship while grieving and felt this way too? Would it be beneficial for my mental health to be on my own?
  12. i lost my boyfriend on 9/29/14 to SUDEP (sudden unexpected death from epilepsy). He was 25. I couldn't get a hold of him from 11am on, and walked into the apt after work to find him on the ground, already dead. i dont know if i have even processed the shock yet. the medical examiner said that even if he had been in a room full of doctors there's nothing they could have done, which makes me feel better, but every day i go over the following thoughts - - was he taking his epilepsy medicine??? (we wont know the toxicology for a few weeks, and he had a seizure every couple of months) but didn't like how the medicine made him feel zombie-like sometimes - should i have kept my mouth shut about the zombie-like side effects i noticed, and maybe then he would have taken it correctly? - why didn't his doctor tell us he could die? - why did this happen to my sweet, sweet Patrick? literally the most kind-hearted, wonderful soul i've ever met - why did this happen to me?? - i hate everyone who goes home at night to their boyfriend and their cozy wonderful life while i have to be alone i have such anger towards people who in my mind, pretend they have sympathy for me but in reality they have wonderful lives and go home to their boyfriends/husbands and have suffered nothing... i know these people really care about me and this is just my sub-conscious, but its so hard not to resent these people. even my best friend who's boyfriend introduced me to Pat. i hate everyone for all the love and companionship they have, even though i know none of this is their fault. everyone tells me i am a good person so WHAT did i do to deserve this? will i ever be happy again? If anyone has gone through something similar, i'd love to hear your thoughts. i guess i just have a chip on my shoulder and a generally negative outlook about my future and what happened to Pat and I... I am seeing a therapist but would love to hear from people in my same boat. thank you!
  13. My boyfriend recently died of cancer and I am completely heart broken. He was only 19. We had been together for nearly 4 years. Even though we were young I have no doubt we were soul mates. Our relationship was perfect. I honestly thought that I was going to marry him and now I don't know what to do. I miss him so much it hurts. I pains me to know that he will never be my husband. We had so many plans together and now I feel so empty. I can't imagine being with anybody else but him. I feel like I have lost all of my spark and I feel like I have nothing to live for.
  14. My boyfriend died in a sudden and tragic motorcycle accident two weeks ago. He had just finished his med school board exams the day before, I went to his place that evening, was with him until 12:30 pm the next day, and the accident happened at 3:30. He had so much potential, and was the kindest, most loving guy I had ever met. For the first time in my life I was in love with someone, and he felt the same about me. I can't help but be so angry that the one time I meet someone good, they get taken away. How do I move on from this?
  15. Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my best friend, my soulmate to suicide. My boyfriend was a young 26 year old veteran, who served in the ARMY and deployed to Afghanistan for a year. I met him earlier this year. He was not my type I stayed away but eventually his big smile, kind heart, hardworking, happy self swept me off my feet. We started dating, spending every day every moment together, and eventually got to talking about kids and marriage. I started noticing his PTSD as the time passed. He would get startled and get jumpy, especially as he slept. He was also having issues with his mom and sister. They never supported him while he was overseeas and left him alone, when he needed them the most. On his own he came back from Afghan, started his career as a correctional officer, got promoted within a year, and bought his first home. I told him every day how proud I was. He had days where he was down and sad about his mom and sister, he'd cry to me to never leave him. I adviced him to talk to a counselor because I knew this depression state was getting to him and it was affecting his health. The day he passed he left work early because he wasnt feeling well, we went to urgent care where they prescribed him anti deprssants. I lfet his house devastated, he told me not to leave but I didnt want him to see me so broken. After not hearing from him I went back to his house where I found him. He had taken all of his medication and shot himself. You can see why I feel guilt. These days without him have been the hardest. Finding out he had bought our engagement ring breaks my heart, my future was all in him, us together and now hes gone. Although I know hes no longer suffering im left with so many unanswered questions. I miss him more and more everyday.
  16. My finance passed away in the night. I woke up one morning and he had been gone for several hours. I feel like I am still in the first stages of grief and it has been 5 1/2 months since he passed. I still cry every day just about. I took 3 months off of work but had to go back. I am very lonely but can't imagine moving on with someone else. His presence is every where in our home. All I have wanted is to be with him but don't want to hurt my family. Counseling didn't help. It actually made it worse for me for several days afterward. I have no desire to get out of bed, interact with my family, go to school (I teach), or pay my bills...nothing. I really don't care about anything except my thoughts of him. I know this is selfish but I can't seem to get past it. I see a Dr. tomorrow to try to get my depression meds adjusted. If anyone has any suggestions, any would be welcomed.
  17. Hey you guys I am only eighteen so I know that is fairly young. However, I too have felt the unbearable feeling of loss. Last year in May I lost my (yes I'm saying it) boyfriend to a stroke. He was only 17.... I know I have a lot more life to experience and live but I just need to feel understood. Literally it feels as if since the moment I found out that the boy I had been in a relationship passed I feel like a huge chunk of the happiness has been ripped out of my life. During the beginningy older brother was a huge help. He too shares my sexuality so we bond pretty well. But lately, it just seems as if he has too much going on for me to reach out to him like I used to. The overall point I'm trying to get at is that lately I have been going through a lot of road blocks in life especially becoming a new adult and it seems that I never felt this empty until after he passed. Now that his one year is literally right around the corner it has me looking at my life and realizing just how painful it has been. All I need is to talk with any one of you who can relate and understand.
  18. January 9th, my boyfriend committed suicide. As soon as I woke up I knew it wasn't a good day. He recently broke up with me for no reason. I went to school and I found out when they pulled me out of class. I'm a senior in high school, only 17. I loved that boy like I've never loved anyone. He was different and I knew that the second I saw him. He was supposed to go on vacation with us in the summer as a graduation present. He had transferred his senior year to my school. It was so sudden and unexpected. He was the happiest person I'd ever met. He was always smiling and laughing. He was friends with everyone, he had good grades and was an amazing basketball player. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. My best friends are shutting me out and drifting away. Luckily for me his family has been really supportive and his mom always wants to see me. They told me he left a note and mentioned me in it, but I still haven't gotten out. I just want answers, and I just want him back.
  19. I recently lost my boyfriend on January 1. He passed away unexpectedly and I struggle with not having had the chance to say goodbye among other regrets and so forth. It's all so very new to me and I'm struggling with so many unanswered questions and have no idea how to even begin to start sorting through my emotions or what to even do with myself. I'm only 19 years old and I never thought I would see myself going through something like this and I hope to find some form of hope for the future by seeing those who are going through this and have tips to offer me.
  20. I am new to this.. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. I have known him for about a year and a half. He has been battling depression for the past 3 1/2 years. He has been to many different therapists. He has been on many different medications. When I met him, God knew exactly what He was doing because I was in a tough place. My boyfriend took all the broken pieces of my life and put them back together. He showed me how to trust somebody again. He showed me that life has meaning. He showed me that I have a meaning. Every once in a while he will get his phone taken by his parents (I'm 15 he is 16) for low grades or back-talking to his mom.This is when he says his depression kicks in because he feels like a horrible person because his parents are 'mad' and he doesn't talk to many people about it. (We talk ALL the time when he has his phone). He got his phone taken. Then I got a call from a good friend of mine (his cousin) saying that he is in a suicidal facility and won't be out for another week and a half... I got the call during class and immediately started crying in front of everybody. Apparently the day after he got his cell phone taken away he got yelled at by his mom and ran into the kitchen to grab the knife, but his older brother stopped him THANKFULLY! (his brother now has about 20 stitches). I feel like it's my fault. I normally call him after school on his house phone to talk when he gets his cell phone taken, but I didn't. I was studying. I feel horrible about it all. I don't know how to deal with this. It's not fair. PLEASE help me I really need some advice
  21. We spent 5 years on and off. First in college, he proposed to me. He planned to surf up to the alter. He drove 30 hours straight to see me when we rekindled 4 months ago. This time, he said, I won't let you go. This time is forever. An eerie text he wrote a few weeks ago: "if something actually happens like the end of the world. Will I see you once before that? And if it does happen, I want you next to me. It's the only way I'd wanna go out." Of course I don't believe in prophecies, and he did not either. I responded that I'd want to be next to him too, which happens to be a curse that will haunt me forever. The past 4 months we moved fast and I applied for jobs, packed my belongings, and planned on moving across the country to be with him. I walked fast, doubled up on graduate classes, and researched the weather out there. Every breath I took was toward our future. He felt the same and waited in pain. He said being without me was a dark dungeon with a steady water drip in the background. So I hurried along. I rode the train with him two Thursdays ago. My head rested on his shoulder as he blared music on his headphones. I'm so happy he stood up at my stop. It meant the world to me he gave me a huge hug and a big kiss. If only I could go back to that moment and never let go. I thought about looking back to wave but wondered coolly if he'd watch me walk away. I should have looked back. Two weeks ago I was supposed to go out with him and his friends. He wanted to introduce me to some. I won tickets to a concert and he knew how badly I wanted to go and told me six times to choose the concert. But he told me he was upset and surprised. The night he lost his life in an automobile accident. Now I feel eternal punishment for not putting him first. I'm so sorry. But I know it's not entirely my fault. An infinite series of events led to the accident. But people get into accidents all the time and break bones. Why, this time, did it cost a life? Why his life? We had plans! He told me I'd never be alone and I've never felt so dreadfully lonely. Laughter bleeds. People try to distract me, but I don't want to be distracted. All I'm left with is a notebook, memories that will gradually shift, pictures, words, haunted dreams, floods of tears, regret, remorse, despair. How could it be the first time we rode bikes together was our last? Oh I should have been next to him like I promised. For now I cry, they nod and say they understand, but they don't. I feign smiles; my laugh is forced. He began to carry me away but not far enough and now I walk circles in the wrong direction. An ache so deep, trapped inside, no sun shines, nothing grows. A future shattered. An uncertain past. Immense regret. A waking nightmare. I drag each step. Why am I supposed to walk on while he stands still? My body aches with bumps and breezes. I walk in circles and see his smiles everywhere and nowhere at all. I walk in circles and I need him to whisk me away and whisper to me a direction. Moments of clarity; mostly confusion. Dark devastation. Pissed at the sound of conversation and normalcy. I'm only breathing because he lived so large, with the wind. I try to follow his guidance and be inspired to love my surroundings and the people in them. But I'm torn between living (really living) and not wanting to take another step without him. I wake up each morning crying; another day without him. I used to dream of him every night. Now only nightmares.