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  1. My Panda baby died on 27th Aug, 2017. Two weeks ago. I don't think I will ever believe that's really true that he is gone. We've together for 6 years this coming 11th Nov. Met at work, I found him shining in the crowd so handsome. I was just an intern in the company and he was already the director of a department. Whenever he travels to my city (subsidiary company based in Changchun, China), I would be the first one to notice him and obverse him from afar. I didn't think he would ever like me or even look at me. It took my by surprise when he asked me for dinner after our first conversation. I was over the moon. I remember how nervous I was at dinner that day, after all English is my second language. But it didn't matter really, because we clicked instantly and understood each other perfectly. Things were so great and magical. I moved to Shanghai after I graduated from Uni and found a nice job, and most importantly I moved in with him. Life then was like a dream. We did everything together. We could walk to the metro holding hands, have lunch together and go back home together when we finish. We would do all the things that married couples do and I was even his "hairdresser" because hairdressers in Shanghai rarely know how to cut Afro hair. I was not very good at the beginning, but during the years I have mastered it. Yes, I am Chinese and he is British African. Living in a city like Shanghai, where some people still find people from other race strange or interesting, we did experience lots of stares and pointed fingers. But we never cared. Every time when people look at us with curiosity, I would hold my Panda even tighter. I love him. He is the best person in the world. I never loved anybody like I loved him and I think I have used all my credit and now I have left with nothing. It's so painful to look at all the pictures we took over the years when we travel. He took me everywhere, Thailand, Indonesia, Singapre, Spain, France, Italy, UK. We've been to all those places together. He even supported me to get my MSc in England in 2015. I recently received my graduation photos from the graduation ceremony in July this year. He was in the family photo along with my mom and I. He looked so proud and happy. He was there for me. As a matter of fact, that was the last time we traveled together. I can't possibility imagine that he would not return to England alive anymore. I was stupid and careless to miss his symptoms, because he has been feeling not 100% himself for quite some time. Low appetite, short of strength, running stomach and coughs. Every time when I say that you need to see the doctors, he would say that he is ok as long as he has some tablets. He wasn't feeling good even when we were in UK and Italy this July, but I didn't even tell him that he needs to get checked. I was so into my graduation and holiday that I didn't force him to get help. I didn't know really. I had no idea. I was too happy in life to believe that he would die one day. That never occur to me. I thought we have many year ahead of us. But he did die. When I called him on 15th Aug, 2017, I just finished work. It was already 20:30 in the evening and I didn't reply to his message (regular message to remind me to have lunch on time). I called him and he picked up. I kept on telling him about how busy I was in the afternoon having client meetings blah blah blah. But he was awfully quite. How can he be so quite? He usually talks a lot. I stopped to ask him how was his day. Then I heard him breathing really heavily and rapidly. What's going on with my baby? He was in a different City on biz trip and 5hrs away from me by train. I got really mad and told him that he has to go for hospital now!. He said that he can't because he doesn't speak Chinese and how can he get to the hospital? I told him that he needs to go to the hotel reception and get someone to go with me. He finally said yes. He said he will pack a few things and go immediately. We called him later to check if he's at the hospital and what's going on. he was so weak and only told me that he was waiting to get X-ray and some other tests. I tested him and tried to cheer him up. He then told me that the doctor said he has pneumonia. And he has to go into ICU now. What? ICU? How can it be? I booked the first flight out the next morning to that City and texted him telling him that I love him and I am coming to take care of him. He then texted me back "I love you even more". That was the last word he said to me. He told me that he loved me even more. When I finally saw him the next morning, he was already on ventilation machine, barely conscious. I woke him up by raising my voice and he finally opened his eye. But he was a bit disoriented and in shock, perhaps because I had to dress up in gowns and face masks. I must looked like a stranger to him. I told him: Baby boy, my Panda baby. I'm here. your cutie pie is here. Don't worry baby I will take care of you. We are trying everything to make you feel better. Don't be scared. you need to be strong and recover soon. I love you panda. He soon went back to unconsciousness, but he was calm and relaxed by hearing my voice. My tears burst out and I don't know how to stop. My heart was too painful that I couldn't do anything other than crying and begging the doctors to save him. He was my everything and I can't and won't lose him. NO! Never. How can his condition get worsen so quickly? I failed to comprehend. I just don't know. All I wanted was to save him, so no matter what the doctors propose in terms of drugs and treatment I said yes to regardless of the cost. He didn't have medical insurance in China so everything would have to be paid by us. It was not cheap. it was 30,000 RMB (4500USD) per day because he needed top antibiotics and dialysis. The doctors told me he has multi-organ failure in his Lungs, kidneys and heart. He was in a critical situation and could die any minute. I was devastated and heart broken. I even told the doctors that I can give him one of my lungs and kidneys if he needed it and I will do everything that saves his life. Literally anything and everything. But the doctor said he was too weak to survive that kind of surgery. My poor Panda. How could i save him, I couldn't stop asking myself. He had only me and his half brother in China. His half brother works in Beijing as a English teacher. But he was of no help as he said he has no money and he left me and by baby after staying with me outside of my panda's ICU room for 2 nights. Yes. I slept outside the ICU room for 12 nights and 5 nights among those I slept on a metal bench. But he died anyway, regardless of all the efforts and hope. he died. But I wasn't there when that happened. I had to travel back to Shanghai on that Sunday - 27th Aug, 2017 to sort out my work arrangement. I saw him in that morning and I already knew that he was not coming back. He had nose, air pipe bleed that day when I saw him and the nurses said I should prepare myself. That day, I told him that I am sorry that I can't save him. And I love him with all my heart. I will come back for you, please wait for me. please hold on and don't give up.'" But as soon as my train arrived at Shanghai, I received a call from his nurse saying that his heart is failing. I got off the train with a empty head. I lost the ability to think. I was like a mad person shutting, crying on the train platform having no directions, don't know what to do. Before long, the doctor called me and said that they have announced him dead. He was gone. He died alone. He didn't have anybody with him when he passed. I blame myself for going back to Shanghai. Why do I have to go that day? Why can't I stay for him? I've been there all along but Why on earth do I have to go that day? Why? I hate myself for making that decision to leave. I should have been there holding him when he died. I would have talked to him and sang to him as I did for the past 12 days even tho I can't see him every day but I always record audios and send my phone in to play the recordings. My panda baby heard me. He must have heard me when I said that I am sorry that I can't save you. So he gave up. He must have known that I was leaving so he had no will to fight anymore. My baby wasn't conscious but I knew that he heard me every time. He knew. He just knew. I didn't go back after hearing his death till a week later. I didn't have the courage to go back I guess, I dont know for sure. Before traveling back to the city where the hospital was, I had to travel to a small town near Beijing to pack his belongings with his half brother. ( He moved to that small town 3 years ago for salary increase, so we've been traveling back and forth in turns). But his half brother didn't even have the decency of waiting for me before he pack. For god sake I begged him even to wait for me because I can not get a earlier train and i have to arrive 30mins later than him. But when I got to his apartment which is also my home, that place was a mess. I just wanted to see how my baby left it. and sleep in his bed and smell his pillow once again, but his half brother told me that I was not a direct relative, so I couldn't touch his things. I wasn't family. The woman who spent 6 year with him and waited outside his ICU room the whole time turns out to be a total stranger. I lived there as well, but now it's suddenly a place that I didnt belong. I cried. I can't find another word to describe how I cried, but I was too sad to even catch my breath. I held his favorite suit and I tried to feel his presence again. I hated his half brother. I really did and still do. He lied to me about the whole thing. he only said that to me because he didn't want me to go through my panda's file and find anything that might indicate a will or savings. He thought too little of me. He treated me like nobody. How do I tell someone failed to see that I love my baby and I did everything to save his life? I was there to sign off on his medication and treatment when his half brother wasn't there and after he left, even tho the doctor told me that I can't make those decision on behalf of him because we weren't married. I paid for his treatment with my own money and I was the one person that knew my baby's pin code to his bank cards so that his salary can be used for the treatment. I was the only one that knew the password to his phone and laptop so that we can call everybody in his family and ask for help. But what did his half brother and the rest of his family do? They didn't send any money. His half brother told me he will give his salary but he never did. his sisters didn't contribute a dime. even tho my baby helped them in their lives and even some of them to move to England. They did nothing for him, but kept on questioning me about what happened to my baby's money in China. How would I know. all the bank accounts he had have little balance in them, except after receiving his Aug salary. I had to give his phone, his key, his passport and all his bank cards to his half brother and show him what my baby's financial status was. I even told him that if he wants to check the bank statement, he can go to the back and do that. If anything indicates that I took his money, feel free to call the police and there will be evidence from the ATM CCTVs and all. I am heart broken. My baby protected me from his family because he realized that his family didn't appreciate what he did for them before he met me. They kept on asking him for money and he didn't have a life of his own. They broke his heart so he stopped providing for them after all of his siblings comes out of age. He did great I'd have to say. He helped everybody but those people were really not worth helping. During the whole event, only me, his first wife and his second wife contributed. His first wife was really kind to send money and she was genuinely concerned with his health. His second wife - mother of his children helped a little as well. And she sold my car in England for 500 Pounds and sent back to me to help with the bills. The pass month has been a real nightmare. I woke up every morning trying to understand what really happened. I can't explain that the man that I love and the man who was so alive can just died like that. He said he loved me more and would never leave me. But he did. I am left with nothing now. I have lost the love of my life. I can never hold him again nor kiss him. I am dead as well. I saw his body at the mortuary on 3th Sept, 2017. It wasn't him. I can't be him. It doesn't look like him. I touched his face and he was cold. I was really scared and it took me some time to be able to look at him. I laid my eyes on him and I don't see him anymore. That wasn't my panda baby. His soul has gone. He was cold. I couldn't stop crying and they won't let me be with him there for too long. So I had to dry my tears and started to recite him some versus. I never was a religious person, but he was. We visited the Vatican city barely a month ago and I thought we were blessed. When he got sick, I started praying. I offered a deal to God that I will quit eating meat and trade half of my left time and I can share his disease, so that he can live. But he died. God didn't take my offer. But I recited the versus anyway, because I want to believe that his spirit is still with me and I will see him once again when my time comes. As stupid as it is, that keeps me going. I then sang him a song, it's from the Phantom of the Opera (my favorite opera that we watched together this July in London). Say you share with me one love, one life time Lead me, Save me from my solitude Say you want me with you, here beside you Anywhere you go let me go too Baby, that's all I ask of you I know that I am young only 27 years old. But I just don't know how to face life without him anymore. He was my everything. He was the one that made life full of possibilities, but now everything is just dull and empty. All I can think of now is to honor his wishes but transferring his body home, but due to lack of money, that is still pending. His half brother is trying to gather some money, but I know the only reason he is doing that is because he is eye-balling his life insurance payout. I can't believe that someone can be so stupid to think he as half brother would get anything out of the life insurance while my panda has children in England who will be entitled to inherit all. I have given up reasoning with his half brother about anything and just want to help to get my baby a proper burial. I believe that my baby is watching over me. And I will do everything in my power to let him rest in peace. I love you my panda baby. I love you with all my heart.
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