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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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  1. Feb 20, 2017 was the worst day of my life. As the days go by it is getting more difficult to cope with the loss of my boyfriend. He suffered from bipolar and we had lots of ups and down, but I never was willing to give up on him. I loved him and would stick by him for everything and anything. A couple of years ago he was very depressed and tried to commit suicide, since then there have been manic episodes, but I never felt that he wanted to take his own life. He was back in school, and seemed to be happier. He was talking about the future a lot, so I was confident that something like this would never happen. On Feb 20th I left for work that morning and everything was fine, we had plans on going to the movies that night. When I called him later on in the day to see what time he wanted to meet I could tell he had been drinking. We would get into arguments a lot about this, because I did not like him drinking because I knew it was not good for him because of the disease. I came home and I noticed the window was broken. Earlier in the day when I talked to him he had told me he wanted to jump out the window, I took this as a sarcastic remark thinking he was having a bad day. He had been doing so well that I didn't think that he was being serious. That is something I will regret forever. On my way home he went back and forth between not making sense, being angry, and being confused. He texted me and said he needed me because he didn't know what was going on with him. I wanted to help him so bad, but I was also so angry at him for drinking. In the past I have called the cops on him to force him to go to the hospital, he did not like when I did this. When I saw the window was broken I asked him about it and he started asking me if I did it. I could tell he was in a paranoid state of mind and I decided to tell him I am going to leave for a bit. I called security instead of the cops because I didn't want him to be upset, but I wanted to see if they could talk to him and get him back into a normal state of mind. When they came in the apt I followed behind them. He locked himself in the room, and we tried talking to him. When he made a comment about jumping out of the window and I heard the glass break I quickly yelled at the security guards to break our bedroom door down, but it was too late....I ran into the room and looked out the window and my love was laying outside. This has been so traumatic and heartbreaking for me. I keep thinking why did I leave him alone, why did I not call the cops, they would have been more trained for something like this. I am tortured daily with life without him, and tortured with guilt that I could have stopped this from happening. I miss him so much, it actually hurts me every second I am without him. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this.
  2. Hi all, I'm new to this site, and not entirely sure how it works, but I hope it is a chance to share and learn from others. I'm a 28 year old male working abroad. A few months ago I learned by email that the police had found my mother dead inside our house (we live in the countryside of upstate NY). She had been living alone for several months. She spent her share of her retirement money in a matter of months (she was 59) and no longer had any money to pay for electricity. As the winter months began, with no electricity she was unable to heat the house, and she died of hypothermia. The police found her after a neighbor noticed little activity coming from the house for several weeks. My parents had recently divorced after my mother, who had been on medication for bipolarism/manic depression, suddenly refused to take her medication anymore. From what I understand, life at home became horrible for my father, and he was eventually forced out of the home after my mother made a false claim to the police that he had raped her. She took half of the retirement money and spent it all in a matter of months on installing new lockable windows and barricading the driveway. She also bought new furniture and an expensive lamp. As time went on she refused any help from anyone, and when my parents divorced in August, she was really on her own. The last time I spoke to her was last April, on the phone. She really wanted me to come home for the summer and offered to pick me up. I did not give a clear answer. I was so concerned about her ability to take care of herself, but I was also afraid if what she might do to me if I came home. With so much instability and danger in that situation, I decided to not come home for the summer. That was the last conversation I had with my mother. The last time I saw her was December 1.5 years ago, being driven away by the police to a hospital where she would get examined for rape. I thought a lot about calling her again to check in, but I wanted to distance myself from the crazy family situation. When the electricity got caught off in September, I suppose there would have been no way to contact her, as the phone would not have worked. I overall feel little towards the death of my mother except guilt, sadness for her wasted life, and wonder at the idea that someone who was once breathing and talking is now a pile of ash (her body was cremated). I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I'm repressing feeling, or if I genuinely feel nothing. It's still hard for me to believe that this even happened.