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Found 18 results

  1. Next month will mark 7 years since my sister died. She is the only person I’d unironically call a soulmate. It was a long illness and a raw, ugly experience beyond anything I could have imagined. But despite an excellent therapist and support system, I am still barely holding it together 7 years later. Her absence is an acute pain made up of guilt and anger and sadness and lack of closure- a wound that never heals. I read about grief changing or becoming bearable, but mine hasn’t. Instead it feels like I believed I couldn’t live without her and now I’m trapped in the more horrifying truth that I can and I have to. It feels like I can’t connect with other people or get out of my grief. Part of my problem is the idea that I SHOULD feel this way because if she mattered as much as I say she did, living without her really should be a nightmare and to have relief would be a betrayal. I’ve had no luck meeting people who’ve lost a peer or sibling, which is just so unique. So I guess I’m hoping my comments won’t sound insane to this group.
  2. On Sunday afternoon I lost my best friend Kaci suddenly. She was only six and had shown no prior signs of illness. My mother and I had been out at the shed; Kaci tried to follow us out, as she hated to be left out of anything, but as it was raining I told her to go back inside. She retreated back in the door, licking her lips as she often would. I followed her in to check something on my phone; I told her we'd be going for a walk soon as I walked past her. There had been some folded up cardboard boxes leaning against a box freezer near the door for days. I heard the sound of the box falling, as well as that of Kaci moving quickly; this wasn't out of character as she was a very jumpy dog. I turned around with the intention of going to rub her and tell her it was nothing, but as I turned I heard her hit the floor. She suddenly started having a seizure; she's never had one before so it came as quite a shock. Yet I'd heard of other people's dogs having regular seizures (albeit they were older dogs) but they tended to be ok after them, so at that time although I was concerned and a tad panicked, I didn't think she was going to pass. I didn't know what to do; I called for my mother, she ran in just as the seizure was coming to an end. She tried to comfort Kaci, just as she let out a gasp. She told me to cut the top off a nearby Coke bottle and use it over her snout to try and give her CPR. But before I got to her, she let out what was her last breath of air and her heart stopped. I tried to give her breath but within a couple minutes she'd emptied her bowels. She was dead. As I said, she had shown no signs of illness; she had been herself all morning and in the days running up to it. To be honest Kaci was a very healthy dog over the six and a bit years I had her. Putting aside the occasional case of the runs, I can only think of three times where she was particularly ill; an ear infection at a few months old, a particularly bad stomach one evening when she was about 3 or 4; and lastly having to have her stomach washed out after consuming grapes. Three times in 6 years seems like nothing, compared to how many times friends have had to bring their dogs to the vet for one thing or another. However while Kaci was very healthy physically, she wasn't so strong mentally. She was a very fearful dog. She would run and hide when anyone would turn on the hoover, if it was dry I'd generally let her out the back while I did it. Cars she could handle but with buses/trucks she would run as far away from the edge of the road as possible anytime one was close. Fireworks scared the life out of her; Halloween time, New Years Eve....times I dreaded as I'd have to watch her shiver in a corner. And there were other assorted sounds that would spook her; things suddenly falling, neighbours hammering things etc. She would also be fearful of strange people when they first came into our house, she would hide from them at first. This sometimes extended to people she hadn't seen in a while. This behavior actually got worse in recent months; while previously she would go hide in a corner, lately she wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, she'd try run upstairs or into the living room. For the record she's not allowed go to those places, and she knows this, she knows where her territory is. So it was very odd to see her tossing aside the rules. She also started doing this with my brother at times, someone who lived with her during her first few months with us and again had lived with us for the past year; someone who had walked her over the years and spent plenty of time with her. Yet some days she would be all over him and others she would run away. Ultimately we feel this may have been the cause of her death. All the fear and stress over the years weakened her heart and made it that she did't have it in her to fight against the seizure. I feel like I failed her; I always felt for her when she was afraid but I never for one moment thought it was causing lasting effects. Why didn't I raise it with a vet? Maybe they could have tested her; found that she had a weak heart and done something about it? Maybe I'm just looking for a way I could have prevented it, because I felt so guilty watching her die, powerless to help her. Since her death I have found it so hard to be alone, especially in silence. The kitchen; the room in which she lived and sadly died, now makes me physically ill. It wasn't a room I spent much time in before I got her, I used to spend my time in my room. Initially we built her a space in the front of the shed, and used to pin the door in a way so that she could get out to do her business, but we found after a couple days that she would just walk outside, to the end of her lead and wait for us to come. She wasn't sleeping, probably due to fear. So on that basis, my house proud mother gave in and said she could move into the kitchen full time. On that day, it became her room. And it became my room too; it was where I would watch movies, play video games and do college work. For six years I spent more time in that room than anywhere else, because of her. Now the room just feels so empty. Today we finally got the chance to bring her body to the vet for cremation; we're getting the ashes back so that we can keep her with us. Up until now, the body had been stored in a container outside, wrapped up in all of her blankets and some bin liners. I felt so guilty leaving her outside over night, knowing that she had hated being outside alone; silly I know seen as she was no longer there but I felt the guilt all the same. It did help, finally letting go of her body today and I also cleaned away some of her stuff which has also helped, as seeing her empty bed was heartbreaking. But nonetheless, I still feel ill in that room. At times I have forgotten she is gone; while writing this, I stopped for a minute and thought "oh I forgot the dog's outside, better let her back in". How ridiculous is that? I'm literally writing about my grief and yet I forget that what I'm grieving about is actually gone?! Yesterday in work; yes I went to work, I couldn't stand staying at home and thought the distraction would help, it did for a while. Anyways while I was in work, for a split second a location came to mind and I thought 'I should bring Kaci on a walk there soon', before yet again reality hit and a tear came to my eye. I'm a really vivid dreamer; and last night I had a dream about her. The dream wasn't too dissimilar to her death; she had a seizure and we were told by a vet that she had a serious issue. The vet said it could be treated but would take thousands of euros. I took the decision to pay the money; that we would fight for her life. Sadly I woke up to find I didn't have that choice. That's a fear I have now, that I will continue to dream vividly about her; when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I spent months dreaming about her virtually every night and it was very painful, to be honest I still dream about her from time to time, although it doesn't bother me as much. I was just 21 when I got Kaci; I was very depressed at the time. I'd only been broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend about 6 months at the time and I'd also found I couldn't afford to go back to college (I had went straight after high school but dropped out after a semester), despite having repeated my high school exams in order to meet the requirements to get to the college I wanted to attend. I was so depressed that I couldn't bring myself to apply for jobs and I barely went out. I have always maintained a small circle of friends and I would see them infrequently, but that was about the extent of my social life. I spent my days playing video games and watching TV. One Sunday I was sitting at home playing Skyrim, the 13/11/2011 (date always sticks out as Skyrim had released 2 days previous); when my mother called me and asked me if I wanted a dog. I was shocked to be honest, I'd spent years begging her for to let me get another one but she'd refused, yet her she was, asking me. It turned out that her friend's daughter had brought Kaci home, begging her mom to let her keep her; they already had a dog so her mom refused but she said my mother should take her for me. And on the spur of the moment my mother decided she'd let me decide. I said yes of course; I didn't even know what kind of dog she was, but nonetheless I was so excited and still a bit shocked to be honest. It turned out she was a labrador cross; her mother was a golden labrador who'd gotten loose and was impregnated by an unknown dog. Eventually we found out her father was most likely a border collie (or at least largely border collie); as vets and trainers who would meet her suggested it, and eventually we met another dog that was confirmed to be that cross, that looked the same as her. Having this little pup changed my life; I had something to focus on, something that relied on me. When we initially got her, she slept in a padded dog carrier that my mother's friend had given her, as she was only 6 weeks old and we didn't feel she was ready to sleep outside alone. So each morning I'd have to get up really early to let her out to do her business. I used to end up watching Spongebob Squarepants while lying on the floor with her on my chest; I'd often end up falling asleep. Might be weird that I can remember what would be on TV, but it stands out as one particular episode had the FUN song that Spongebob and Plankton sing; so I took to singing it to her and did so right up to recently. She probably had no memory of this song ha, but it meant something to me, reminded me of her as a puppy. Went off on a tangent there.... But yeah, having something so vulnerable rely on me to walk it, play with it, feed it; that gave me focus. Allowed me to shake out of my depression. A few months later I had enrolled in a certificate course which eventually gave me a path back to college and my degree. This in turn led to me taking the plunge to get the first job I'd held in years; and one in which I really got involved with my colleagues, rather than being the quiet guy who just done his work. It led to me being more confident, gave me some self esteem; and for the first time in years I've started to think that maybe I can get into a relationship with someone. I feel I owe all of this to my best friend Kaci. People might have thought with her being such a fearful dog that I was her strength and she relied on me; and maybe she did. But I sure did rely on her; she made me feel like I was worth something. When I had a bad day and would feel down and out, she wouldn't let me, she'd want to shower me in kisses or force me to play with her. She'd also listen to my problems; I have good human best friends who are good listeners but I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on them, Kaci though was always willing to lend her ear. The way in which she would greet me after work, would make any bad day go away. She just made my life so much better. I find it hard to imagine a future without her. I have a big job interview coming up, one that will really allow me to kick start a career. I was telling myself that I'd get this job and move out; that Kaci and I would get our own place, and maybe eventually another dog (which wasn't going to be an easy process as she wasn't particularly fond of other dogs). She was giving me the strength to face moving out but now without her I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost a piece of myself; and I'm afraid of facing my future without her. The idea of moving into a place on my own without her, terrifies me. At the minute I feel like all the strides I've made in life are down to her; and that without her I won't be able to keep moving forward. Yet on the flipside I feel that if I allow myself to regress to the me that existed when she first came into my life, I'd be letting her down. Her life, albeit a short one, it's purpose was to make me a better me; to save me from the darkness that was enveloping me, and show me that there's a light outside. She saved my life, I'm honestly not sure if I'd have been able to keep going without her coming into my life. And although I couldn't save her life; I feel I now owe my life to her, that I need to keep striving forward so that I can be someone that people love as much as she did. I want to think that one day I'll find the girl of my dreams, have children and maybe even get more dogs; and be able to point at a picture of Kaci and say "that's the best friend I ever had, she's the reason I'm here and why I'm the best me I can be". Although it currently feels like there's a hole in my heart; and I'm afraid and lonely. I want my best friend to know that I will push through this; and I will continue taking strides forward as she would have wanted. Rest in Peace Kaycee 'Kaci' Wilkinson (30/09/2011 - 21/01/2018)
  3. I am not a widow. However, I'm hoping to get perspective a subject in the community, if you'll welcome me. Relationships that form through the grieving process are so complex. But specifically, I'm wondering about relationships where a widow or widower finds love again with a family member of their lost loved one. It seems that such relationships are more common than many realize. After the death of a loved one, a spouse is often drawn to their best friend or sibling. Has anyone else experienced this and willing to speak to it? How did you navigate those feelings? I'm hoping that sharing stories can help remove the stigma.
  4. I married the love of my life in 2013, but after 3 years of marriage things weren't going so well. I never stopped loving my husband, but alcohol and his untreated depression tore us apart. The divorce was finalized last November. Afterwards we still spoke almost daily, said "I love you," and discussed things we could've done differently. In the bottom of my heart I hoped he would get help for his depression and alcoholism and that we'd get back together someday. I was starting to doubt my decision to leave him, I know he still loved me. 8 weeks after the divorce he killed himself. He was only 34 years old, he cut his life in half. We hadn't even closed our joint checking account yet. At first his family welcomed me to travel across the country to attend his memorial service. They waited till after I'd purchased a plane ticket, one week before I was going to leave, to call and tell me I'm an "enemy of the family." Obviously, I didn't go. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, the one person I've loved more than anyone else in the world. It's been 3 months since he died, and I am still barely functioning. No one understands, they think that because we were divorced (BARELY!) I shouldn't care, "get over it." I tried going to a counselor, it didn't seem to help a whole lot. Everyone's sick of talking about it, they tell me that "crying doesn't change anything," "be strong," "you'll find someone else." The night before he did it, we spent 8 hours on the phone (yes, 8). Something didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think he'd already made up his mind and wanted to say goodbye. It was strange though, because we discussed plans he'd made for the future. I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with him before he left. Its just so hard to accept that the final fate of someone I thought I knew so well ended up being such a horrible tragedy. I think of him constantly, and wonder what I should have done differently. His family blames me for his death. I wish there was a way to fix all of this, I miss him so terribly.
  5. My mom started feeling sick at the end of July. My mom was the funniest most vibrant woman who lived life with such flair. Mom had always been very healthy and made a point of going to every checkup. My dad took her to many doctors and specialists. She was subjected to many unnecessary tests, misdiagnosed and placed on harsh antibiotics for an intestinal infection she didn't have. She lost a lot of weight and continued to be in pain. We were thankful, however, that the doctors told us it was treatable and a relatively minor infection. Even though the doctors were satisfied it was something minor, my mom insisted that something was wrong. She was nauseous and unable to eat as normal. On November 3rd, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was difficult and unexpected news for mom, and us. After the diagnosis, the new specialist told my mom that he was hopeful and would help her. We were encouraged. Treatment, however, could not be scheduled until November 22nd, even though all of the doctors knew my mom had lost a lot of weight and was unable to eat much. They said they were not that concerned with the weight loss and loss of appetite, that the treatment would help. The morning of November 21, 2016, I called to check on my mom and my mom was very weak. I asked her if she needed me to call out of work to help her, she told me to go to work and she would be ok, as moms do. For whatever reason, I called out of work and went over to help my dad get my mom to my mom's pre-treatment appointment. We decided to take her to the emergency room before her appointment to get fluids because she was so weak. We were almost at the hospital when my mom lost consciousness. I still don't get what happened. It was so surreal. The ER doctors said a cardiac event or something due to the illness. My mom was weak but was up and talking that morning and doing her hair. I couldn't believe it was happening when she went unconscious. I didn't know what to do I was panicked and couldn't think and couldn't believe what was happening to my mom. They revived her at the ER but then lost her. I can still see them working on my mom. I keep reliving that morning and my mom unconscious. I am so devastated and heartbroken. I keep replaying things and thinking of what more I could have done to save my mom. This is so hard for me, I would have done anything for my mom and I feel like I failed her in her last moments. I didn't know. I never thought this. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. I was in a panic. I couldn't believe it was happening and yet I was so distraught at the same time. All I could do was pray and cry. I never ever thought my mom wouldn't make it. I don't understand. I don't get what happened. I never thought this. My mom had been so healthy with a healthy heart. After she passed, I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye in the ER. I couldn't take seeing my mom like that. It was so awful and unbelievable. I wish I had been stronger but I wasn't. I'm in such anguish and grief. I cry all the time. I miss her so much she's my very best friend. I prayed for her so much during her illness and especially after her diagnosis. I never thought this. I never thought she wouldn't make it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand and I don't know how to do this without my mom. She is the heart of our family. My mom and I always told each other how much we meant to each other and how much we loved each other. I wish I would have done more for her, if only I had gotten her to the hospital sooner or something. I'm so crushed. The thought that I failed her in her last moments is too much. Nothing feels right anymore, I function and am back to a routine but I feel so heavy and weighted down. I feel like I lost a piece of me that day. It feels like a horrible nightmare. I keep praying to wake up from it but each morning I cry realizing my mom still isn't here. It's so strange how the world goes on and those who were very concerned at first have gone on with life. They don't get it. They don't understand what this feels like. I know I didn't understand what it felt like either until it happened. My mom loved the holidays but this year, we didn't know what to do without her. It's just three of us now which is so different. There's such a void for us. I'm unmarried with no children and the thought of my mom not being here for my wedding or kids is beyond what I can process. I can't process any of this. I'm in such anguish and pain. When I'm alone, I wail and cry. It hurts too much to hold it in. When I'm not devastated, I'm just numb. I can't feel much else. My aunt who had been ill also passed a couple weeks after my mom but I couldn't process it because I'm so hurt over my mom. We were always either together or talking on the phone. I miss her voice, her hugs, her wit, her laugh and how she cared for me like no one else. I miss her so much I physically ache sometimes.
  6. I lost my unbiological auntie (she's was better than blood) in August and I was very close to her she was like a 2nd mum to me and also a best friend so feel I have lost 3 people in the 1 person I was always at her house helping her when she wasn't well and she was always there for me no matter what situation I had as I am the black sheep of my family and don't get on with them that much so she never judged just said it how she seen it and that is what I am like so was the best person to speak to as she was an outsider looking in and she has been with us as Christmas for the last 4 years and could only cope being at my mums with her there and now I don't know hope I will cope as I am not getting on with my sister the now so don't even want to be in the same room as her I just feel so alone and just want to sleep through the whole day I have nowhere else I can go I have felt suicidal but I also have a son but hes staying with me I just have so much going on just now I am finding it hard to cope when I speak to people about how I am feeling I feel I am burden them with my problems that's why I have came on this
  7. Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!
  8. Hi. My brother died Dec.8,2015 about a month ago and I am so lost. He was gay and we were not even two years apart in age. We were very close. He was 54 and died from lung cancer and yes he smoked. He moved in with me in August and I took care of him until he died. We had a great 7 months and got to say everything but I feel very guilty for several things I told him before he died that I would do but could not. I feel like someone chopped off m y arm or leg. His birthday is coming up. What do I do for my mom? What about Mothers Day? I don't want to cause her more pain. In not sure how I will handle it but have to work that day anyway. Any advice would be so appreciated.
  9. This all starts back to last July 2014. My stepmother was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer, and given three months to live. It was automatically stage 4 cancer. She lived two months after, passing away on September 8th, 2014. We were close, and my father was married to her for 14 years. That was just the start of what would be my year of pain, grief and hell on earth. Just a month after this, in October 2014, my mother and best friend gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it started out stage 3. It progressively got worse, and after her being in and out of the hospital with chemo and radiation for 2 months, she finds out that it didn't do any good, and it was spreading to her lungs, and then it was "downgraded" to stage 4 and they made her a terminal cancer patient, telling her there was nothing else they could do and gave her 3 months to live. After being in hospice care for just a month after the doctors saying that, she passed away on July 30th, 2015 at home. I live in a different state from my family, they are in Virginia while I am in Georgia. I flew down there her last two weeks of life and took care of her, spend time with her, and watched her while she seemed to just fade away little by little. I was lucky to have one last conversation with her saying all we needed to say to each other. She passed away two days after our goodbye conversation. I flew home two days before she died, because I would not of been able to handle seeing her take her last breath and I needed my husband when it happened who wasn't with me at the time. We drove down for the viewing and funeral, and I feel like I was just in a daze, like I was outside of my body watching everything happen, almost like a robot. I came home with a SUV full of my mom's belonging, she left me almost everything in her will. I have all of her memories and heirlooms to pass along if I ever have children which I am thankful for. Since I have been home, I seem to have days where I just can't cry at all, and other days where all I do is cry all day, and can't stop. My heart feels so heavy and full of pain, like a bowling ball is sitting on my chest. I talked to my mom every day on the phone and not being able to speak to my mother for two weeks now is pure torture. What I would give to hear her voice again, or hear her laugh. I don't know how to move on, and live on without her. I wake up each day and just seem to go through the motions because I have to. She wasn't just my mother but my best friend so I feel like I lost two people in one here. I am now without a mother figure in my life and I am only 34 years old. I feel too young to be having to go through so much loss and pain. I don't have any children either and now I am afraid to because I don't have a mother to help me with my pregnancy and teach me how to be a mother. I am also now the only girl in my family and all I have is my dad and two brothers. We all live in different states, and my only local support is my husband, but he works 6 days a week and long hours. I don't have any friends in person because I do not drive. I don't know who to turn to. I am a christian and I do believe in God but with all of these things happening, my faith has been a bit shaken, and the questions of why God? seem to cross my lips quite a bit. I don't see the bigger picture in all of this. I know they are both in heaven, but I just want them here with me. Why take both of my mom's? I don't know if I am alone in feeling like this, I hope someone understand where I am coming from. I could use someone to lean on, talk to and some support from someone who knows how I feel and what I am going through. Thank you for reading. I am attaching a picture of them both, first one is my mother and second one is my stepmother. Amy
  10. Summer 2014

    Spending time with my mom <3
  11. Thanksgiving 2013

    Me with my best friend; my mom! I miss hear dearly and will love her always >3
  12. I lost my mother in April of 2014 when I was 19. She had a long battle with diabetes. In 2011 she had gangrene and lost her left leg. Then in 2013 she got gangrene in her right toes. Which resulted in her losing those as well. And in April of 2014 she passed away from the gangrene infection. She was my best friend. I never thought I could live my life without her. I honestly feel so numb anymore. Like nothing matters. I myself am having some family issues. When my mother passed away in April a month later I moved back in with my dad (after getting my own place in March) to help with bills and things. In May I went to McDonald's with a friend and got an $8 dollar meal for myself. I did use my father's money but what's $8 right? He got so mad at me for spending HIS money that he kicked me out. Luckily I have my fiance and his mother let us move in with her. In that same month I also lost my job because we had to move an hour away. Everything was OKAY until about Thanksgiving. I invited my sister to Thanksgiving Dinner with my fiance and I. My sister and father had been fighting and I didn't invite him. My sister was there for me more than he ever was. Well I made the wrong choice of inviting my Aunt as well. She told my father and now neither my Aunt or father want me in their lives. I know that I have my fiance. It just isn't the same as my mother and I know that I had his family on the holidays but again..its just not the same. Somedays...I just feel like I want to die just so that I can be with my mom again so she can make everything better, but I know that's not how it works.
  13. Hello, friends! The message you are about to read is going to be kind of depressing, so, y’know, you’ve been warned. On 4 May 2014, I lost a good friend of mine in a car accident. He’s my first friend to die and the only death in my young life I wasn’t prepared for. His death has severely impacted me to the point of me needing psychological help as well as a dog to make sure I get up every morning. Right after he died, I was far away from his friends and family, and even though I was able to visit everyone, I wasn’t able to stick around them and really get in some good conversations and general support while mourning. I felt and still feel completely alone a lot of the time, which is exactly the reason why I’m trying to create a show that deals with death and mourning. I love watching shows. I always have. I love shows so much, I want to write them for a living, and make other people as happy as television shows have made me. I kept thinking after I lost my friend, what would Cory Matthews do (Boy Meets World)? How would Will talk to Uncle Phil about this (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)? What would Winnie say to Kevin (The Wonder Years)? What would the cartoon version of Lizzie MaGuire say (Lizzie MaGuire)? I had no answers, because these episodes do not exist. I’ve already written the pilot episode for the show I want to make about people grieving, that’s where you come in. I need your help. I need your stories about losing someone you care about. It can literally be anyone: mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, child, PETS! You name it! Death affects us all tremendously, and I want to hear your stories! I know my friend’s death will affect me for the rest of my life. The other thing is, is that this show is going to be realistic. Not every episode has a happy ending, because life doesn’t always have happy endings. HERE’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR, FRIENDS! If you have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism, or any kind of substance abuse since your loved one died, message me! LET’S BE ALL INCLUSIVE, YO! I want to write an episode in Spanish (Hablo español, amig@s!), and let’s also keep in mind that different cultures deal with death differently! I WANT TO REPRESENT AS MANY DIFFERENT CULTURES AS POSSIBLE!!! It doesn’t matter if you lost someone six months ago or thirty years ago, message me! I want your stories to be memorable. So this kind of requires you to be a pretty good story teller, and you have to tell me when my writing is nothing like you or you just don’t like it for whatever reason. If you gained stronger faith in your religion, or lost your religion, because of a dead loved one, message me! I wanna read or hear or see your stories. You may message me here or send me an e-mail at budbuland@gmail.com, tell me all about you and your deceased loved one. Writing an episode of a show based on you requires me getting to know you pretty well, so we’ll be e-mailing and probably calling and maybe even Skyping. You helping me to make an episode based on the loss in your life will be upsetting, I promise you. But wouldn’t it help others to have a guide of how to lose someone they love? That’s why I want to make this show. MESSAGE ME! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ ALL YOUR STORIES! Love forever, Bud
  14. Hey everyone, I'm new to the board and I am so glad that this message board has been made available for us. Last month my mother passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. Her death came as a complete surprise to me and my family. I'm still in a stage of disbelief with deep sadness. My mother is the first person that I had/have a close relationship with that passed. I'm having an up and down time dealing with it. One day I'm okay then the next I can't stop crying and thinking of her. I'm trying to readjust to being back at work, in my home and continuing on with my life. Any help and advice would be helpful. I would love to connect with other members and just chat. I feel so alone with and without people around. Thanks
  15. I'm seventeen years old and I have already suffered more loss than most do their whole lifetime. I don't want to sound like I'm throwing a pity party because that really isn't what I'm trying to do, but I'm lost. Lost in a sea of guilt and regret that everyone else seems to be escaping but I just stay there. On December 1, 2012 my best friend hung himself. If happened to be the day after we got into the only fight we had ever been in. He always came to me with these things, this hadn't been the first time this had happened. Anytime I had a problem or he had a problem we were always right there for each other. This time I wasn't there for him, this one time he didn't come to me because we were mad at each other and I lost him. He left letters for a few of his other friends apologizing, yet didn't leave me one. In my mind, and no matter how many times people tell me differently, I contributed to that night. To that lonely feeling. This makes me think that maybe he was still mad at me. Maybe he never forgave me and still hasn't. Is this why it is so hard for me to get over while everyone else seems to of sailed through the sadness like it was nothing? Since then I have attempted suicide twice. Nothing is the same since he left, and I don't know where to turn.
  16. Sarah was my first friend I made here. I moved to the east coast from California because my parents divorced and my mom had no money. I didn't know that at the time, because I was only nine. I was sent to a private school by my wealthy grandparents and I never fit in. I made one friend. I was young and I attached to this new friend. Sarah attached to me too, and we did everything together. When I got bullied, she stood up for me and never let me feel like I was alone. We spent nine years like that, caring for each other. 2011 came and I was sitting in my high school science class when I got a text from her. I know I shouldn't have been looking at it, but I felt like something was wrong. I opened it and she asked if I had a second, she had to tell me something. I texted back that I did. I'm one of those people who assumes the worst, so my mind floated to cancer but I shoved it side because she was my best friend. She couldn't be sick. When I got the text back, I still can't remember to this day what exactly it said. All I can remember is yelling at my teacher that there was an emergency and running down to the office. I called my mom, in a panic and she burst into tears on the phone, telling me how sorry she was. Again, I don't remember much about the rest of that day. I remember a lot of crying but I kept telling myself she had to be okay. She was my Sarah. Months went by, and she seemed to be getting better. I kept my distance because I honestly couldn't handle it. I didn't want to see her suffer. She went into remission and I cried out of joy. We went to a movie together, the latest Mission Impossible, and we had chinese food. I found out that day that I was the last of her friends to know. I asked her why, and she said because I was the hardest to tell. She got worse and had to have a experimental treatment. It had a 50% chance of killing her, and a 50% chance of curing her. She told the doctors she had one shot and she wanted to take it. She was the bravest person I know. She didn't wake up. She passed away July 13th 2012. I cry, most of the time now. She was everything to me. She was the one thing who never hurt me, who never changed. She was so popular, but she chose me, the looser, to be her best friend. She was my own miracle No one wants to listen to me talk about her anymore. I can't let it go. Little things make me burst into tears, like a death on a tv show, a David Archuleta song, a picture of her. I don't know how to cope. Sometimes, I wake up and I can't breathe because I miss her so much. What do I do? Am I loosing my mind?
  17. Oh, Jeremy.....

    Where do I even begin..... Well, the beginning. I am Amie, when I was born I had a friend that was already selected by nature to be my best friend, teach me unforgettable lessons, and help every step of my way. His name is Jeremy, and he is my big brother. We have always been very close. I am now 23, and confused with life. He was 25 when he died, just weeks before his birthday. Well, the history of his life, my life, and our family is quite deep and painful. Jeremy joined the army when he was 18, and served two years, even went to Iraq, before returning home with his honorable discharge. Upon his arrival home, he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I hate the stigma, and assumptions that go through others' mind when they hear of this disease. He had such a hard time. He spent the following six+ years taking anti-psychosis medications and relapsing his pills, going through an inner hell on a daily basis. He had been in and out of psychiatric wards a few handfull of times. He eventually started drinking heavily, and majority of the time did not take his medication. For the past two+ years he would drink roughly 18 beers a day. He would walk around the city, sometimes pass out in bushes, and wake up in the hospital hours later or even the next day absolutely confused why he is there. People have called the police on him because he would be wandering while drunk. One time he was walking barefoot, went into a 7-11, and told the clerk to call the police on him because he was losing his mind. This was after a several day drug binge. You see, though, Jeremy is (was) the most innocent, intelligent, wise, witty, goofy guy I have ever known. Schizophrenia or not, the disease did not take him away. It just became a part of him. It tormented him, and he was desperate to not feel the way he did, therefore began binging with drugs. For years he would find cocaine from someone, and binge for about a week straight, and then not touch it again for 6+ months. One of his most recent cocaine binges resulted in him desperately wanting to live in a sober living home to help himself get cleaned up. Unfortunately, while there, he met a man named Erik. Or should I say boy. Erik was there for heroin. Eventually they began getting motel rooms in DTLA, and Jeremy was smoking heroin while Erik shot it up. This was about a year and a half before Jeremy would chase the dragon for the final time. Well, my details are feeling scatterbrained as I think I am still in total shock. All I know is Jeremy got really sick. It was a Thursday and his illness just began. My dad called me to tell me about his symptoms. That Saturday I drove over there (we live 45 min away from eachother) and visited. Jeremy was so sick that he could not walk, could hardly talk, and was crying with frustration and didn't understand what was happening to him. He hated hospitals so refused to let anyone take him, until I convinced him something is seriously wrong. There were buckets in his room that he had been vomiting in and peeing in, as he could NOT walk. He was perfectly healthy before. On Sunday at 9 AM my dad took him to the emergency room. I stayed home and cleaned his whole room, his bedding, vomit, everything.. so when he got back home it would be comfortable for him. While cleaning his room I found roughly 20 balloons of heroin- black tar- 9 of them had been used and 11 of them were untouched. I flushed all of it down the toilet. I also left a note on his desk saying I loved him, and I am sorry if he feel I invaded his privacy by cleaning his room, I just wanted him to feel comfortable. I left the house before he came back with my dad, because I thought he was going to be mad about the heroin. Two days later, it is now Tuesday morning, I am at work eating a subway sandwich on my lunch break. I just so happened to already be on the phone with my mom, and my dad called her on the other line. We both immediately knew something was wrong with Jeremy, as my dad never calls her. Especially that early. She called me back, wouldn't tell me what was happening, and just said we need to get to the hospital. My dad found Jeremy dead early Tuesday morning, in his room, sitting in the same position and place where he had seen him the night before. He touched his skin and it still felt warm, so he called the ambulance. They told my dad to perform CPR until they arrived-- somehow, by some freak of nature, they were able to bring him back to life. When I arrived to the hospital Jeremy had only been there for an hour, and the doctors said he already coded 4 times but they finally have him stable. Eventually we discovered both of his kidneys had failed, and that he will need a dialysis of his blood will just poison his body to death. At this point I was standing beside him, in shock, watching all of the tubes. He was on 100% life support. I went home that night, after the doctors did the dialysis, and told me his potassium levels were back to normal. I felt like everything might be okay. Well the next day, I woke up and went back to the hospital, and immediately there was a whole team in the serenity room wanting to speak about his condition, and our options as his family. My mom, dad, and I sat there as we were told Jeremy is 100% brain dead, and there is absolutely no chance of him ever coming back. For some reason they were not able to take him off life support until the next day, so we scheduled the time to be at 4 PM. We all got to have a personal last moment with him, I got to tell him all of the non-thoughts I was having. I literally had no thoughts. I was in shock. I just layed on him in silence, kissed his eyelids, smelled him for the last time, and told him how much I loved him and how I'm not sure how to be an Amie without a Jeremy. And that part still holds true, I do not know what to do. I've lost pretty much all my friends, as a result of pushing them away, as none of them understand whatsoever the immense pain that is now my world. Anyway, heroin took my brothers life. On Wednesday, the day before he became very sick, he got some heroin from a friend of Erik's. He binged with that heroin, smoking all 9 balloons that night. Thursday he immediately got extremely sick from whatever the adulterant was that the heroin was cut with. It took 11 days in total to kill my brother. And I......... I ..........am lost. I know this is happening, but somehow still have a hard time accepting that it has happened. -- it has been three months, now.--
  18. I just found this group and already feel comforted. It's coming up on 3 yrs since I lost my best friend, Sandra, and I still feel such an enormous hole in my heart and absence in my life. Life without your best friend is lonely - how does one go about finding a new best friend? I have other loved ones in my life - husband, children, new granddaughter, parents, siblings, cousins, uncles - but none of them are my "go to person" like Sandra was. I'm reading a book/memoir entitled "Let's Take the Long Way Home" and just came across a line that captured the beauty of our friendship: "The dailiness of our alliance was both muted and essential: We were the lattice that made room for the rose".