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Found 21 results

  1. My mother passed away suddenly of natural causes. Her doctor told me it might be a heartattack or a blood clot. She had spoken to me the days before abort how she was not feeling well. I calmed her down as usual, because she suffered from anxiety. Panick attacks and fear of death and disease. She had spoken to me all those years about how panick attacks, can fell like a Heart attack. So i never really took anything she said seriously, because i thought it might be anxiety as usual. she had told me i should tell her if i had a feeling that she Would die, i did and i diddent tell her soon enough, that i did that week. But i always feared she Would die. All my life, i thought about it every day. Because she was so afraid of dying and spoke to me about it often. I always feared loosing her, and feared that she Would die, because she suffered from hypocondria and fear of death. She always thought that something was wrong with her, so i have always been alerted. That day before her death, she was angry with me and wouldent talk to me. So i gave her some space. Her boyfreind was up with her the Night before her death. She told she had chestpains and asked if this where what it felt like to die. he Tried to Convince her to take and ambulance, but she refused. The symptoms passed and he left for work that Morning. She had an incident before, not as bad though, where they where up at Night. I was very shocked and concerned when i found out, and takkes with her about it. We concluded that the incided was due to her anxiety. But i called her boyfreind, to tell that he should Contact me, if a simular incident should happen. he diddent Think about calling me that Night/Morning. on my Way to work that Day i thought about skipping work, and to go visit my mom. I Think about what could have happened if i did. That she might be saved. I diddent Call her, because i thought she still needed space. i should have listened to her fear of death the weeks upto her death. I was just so used to her anxiety, and that there never was anything before, that i diddent react. I blame myself for not listening. I blame myself for not going home to her that Morning. She was so scared the weeks before her death, but she had been on several occasions before. I just diddent see it. That it was real this time. if her boyfreind had just told me about their Night, i Would definetly had gone to her house and skipped work.
  2. Hey guys I lost my Dad in November 2016 after he battled cancer for a year. Since his diagnosis and up till now I've been completely emotionally numb. I've not come to terms with things at all really and I have held back any emotion I've had for the last year. This might seem extreme in an ordinary scenario to be numb this long, or maybe not, but it was normal for me because I've had an anxiety disorder since 2013, depersonalisation and derealisation to be precise. So naturally the prospect of losing my Dad plunged me deeper into the detached numb state that this disorder creates. The only problem is I didn't make it any better because I actively numbed myself too. The result is now I feel nothing like myself, not one cell in my body feels like my own or like me, and I haven't done since basically 2015. I want to be who I used to be, who I am deep down, who everyone knows me to be, the nice compassionate human being that used to exist before all this but right now I feel like a venomous devil. So I know that I need to release the emotions but I find it almost impossible. It's hard for me to focus or to not get too scared that I distract myself. Having to feel these immense emotions after a year of feeling nothing I imagine will be like being smashed in the face by a 100 ton boulder. But I can't live like this anymore, anyone who suffers from DP/DR will understand the horrifying state it puts you in. On top of this state I have lakes of emotion trapped inside of me which feels like acid burning up my insides. So anyone who has been through something similar, where emotional expression seems damn near impossible, what would be your advice? How did you get through the thick wall of denial and numbness and release the pain? I just need to know it's possible! Thanks!
  3. June 6th 2013 I lost my baby, my side kick and my best friend of almost 13 years. Her name is KiKi she was a tiny little calico who came into my life by accident but stole my heart right from the start, When I adopted this baby girl into my life I took her straight to the vet and had health work ups done on her to find that she had FIV which is the feline form of AIDS , I promised this lil lady that I would take care of her every need all the way to the end and that I would give her the best possible life I could , The vets at that time gave her a prognosis of about 10 years if she was well taken care of . Over the years this little girl became so much more than just a cat , I never thought I could become so attached to her and through the years it's as almost as if she actually was a part of me I loved her as family. Everyday for almost 13 years she was there for me , she would do so many adorable and funny things to make me smile or feel better when I was ill myself. She was never a bad kitty ever in fact if you could describe the perfect feline companion Kiki was all of it. I always thought to myself , "What the heck will I do the day I lose her?" and I just knew that when day came I would be a huge mess! Boy was I right ! a mess doesn't even start to describe how I felt when I saw my baby girl start to get sick , she lost so much weight and couldn't do the things she once could , I just knew something was terribly wrong so I took her to the vet and he confirmed she was very ill. My kitty was suffering with end stage liver disease and I didn't even know she was sick , (I feel so guilty I didn't catch it sooner ; ( It brings up all the guilt of could I had helped her ? Then they had to run a bunch of other tests to see if she had some heart disease and possible cancer ,,,I was so distraught , It came on so fast just two weeks earlier she was jumping and playing ... What the hell?!?!? ...So after he prescribed more medications for her , drained her abdominal fluid , gave her an antibiotic shot , I took her home to care for her and await the upcoming test results. It seemed like after that vist to the vet and the new meds side effects Kiki got weaker and sicker , though she still ate small amounts she was hardly moving around , stopped drinking as much and was so to herself , My vet never actually used the words she is ready to pass or maybe we should consider euthanasia so I guess deep down inside I knew what was coming but I had this tiny bit of hope that I could nurse her better with all the meds they had given me. Apparently I was in denial . I myself suffer from chronic anxiety and depression so this was triggering every emotion in me and I was on the internet for hours every day and night trying to find a cure or some help of any sort. I just could not let her go without a fight , The night before she passed I read online that humans and pets with liver disease can benefit from a product called milk thistle which is suppose to be safe with no side effects so I thought hey I have tried everything else and nothing is working she is just getting worse so why not . I went to the store purchased this product and brought it home , read up on how to give it to my kitty and what dose , Thursday June 6th 2013 , I woke up in the morning and did my usual rounds with my pets feedings , When I went to feed Kiki she didn't want to make her usual trip downstairs so I brought her food and medicines upstairs I gave her her food of which she ate a bit but refused her water, I went ahead and gave her her prescribed doses of meds and she was just not happy , Looking for a place to just lay down , I waited a little while and then went to make up a small dose of the milk thistle I diluted it with water to help it go down . I went to give it to her and she was just kinda exhausted , I gave it to her at which point it just kinda dripped out of her mouth ,I'm not sure if she got any of it down or not but she salivated and threw up immediately , right after she threw up her little body collapsed and she went into sudden cardiac arrest which is instant death , I tried to give her CPR but her little body let go while I was holding her. My baby was gone !!!! I was so distraught and I began to blame myself , The sadness , the guilt , the anger , the pain , the disbelief , all of it hitting me at once and I was alone. After that happened I went through all the stages over and over ,,,, especially the guilt so I contacted my vet who reassured me that the milk thistle was safe and not the cause of her death , she was very ill ,it was her time to go and out of anyones control , and although it eased part of my guilt the intense sadness and pain remain because my girl is still gone regardless of what took her life. OK so Now the grieving process was to begin and I wasn't ready for it .... How do I hold myself together and get through this ? With not too many people understanding how someone can get so emotionally attached to a kitty , Who do I turn to for support? My emotions became overwhelming and the tears seem to be never ending. It does not help that I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression so the grief has triggered not only emotional but severe physical responses. I wonder if anyone else has been through this ? ... Will I get through this? .... Thank you so much for reading my post Sincerely KikI's Mom ( forever in my heart )
  4. Hello, My farther committed suicide a year and a bit ago. Ever since it happened I have been anxious and sometimes feel like I'm going mad. I'm scared I'm going to do the same thing he did. I have never thought about suicide before. I don't want to kill myself but can't stop thinking about it and working myself up. Feel crippled by grief still. My brother seems to have moved on quicker than me,but I guess everyone is different. In the first few months I cried a lot but can't seem to cry anymore and I don't pine for him as much. There are still so many unanswered questions but I guess I will never know the answers to them. I'm lucky I have a very supportive girlfriend who has helped me a lot since it happened. Just want the anxiety that stop! I'm quite impatient. I have suffered from anxiety before but nothing as long lasting as this .I try and let the grief wash over me and except that I feel bad but it's so hard not to Get worked up. Womdered if there was anyone else out there who has been through the same thing. Would be good to find someone to identify with. Thanks gethin
  5. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  6. Hey all, My name is Maire and I’m a student at Olin College of Engineering. My partners and I are trying to develop a tool to help people who experience panic attacks, particularly if they are trauma-induced, like with grieving or PTSD. Since our project was originally started in response to the needs of one particular friend during their trauma-induced attacks, we would really like to talk to more people about their experiences with their panic attacks. For example, we’d love to ask what some of you do during your attacks, what seems to help the most, and if other people are helpful or in what ways? The previous iteration of our project can be seen here, , and we are very eager to find ways to make as useful a tool as possible so we’d love the opportunity to talk to you more! If you’d be cool with us talking to us, please message me here or email us at
  7. Here is my story as it is still relatively fresh in my life, in hopes to find insight from both sides as to how I should continue with my situation. I am a 19 year-old college sophomore and about 3 weeks ago now I was left by my girlfriend after a beautiful two-year relationship. And, yes, it pains me how cliche my situation is. However after some complexities, it becomes more unique. After two years of being together- meeting in high school, both going to college down in LA (she's a grade below me)- her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and soon passed two months after his diagnosis. She's 18 years old. I tried to be as supportive as I could possibly be. I drove 8 hours to be with her while her dad passed. I brought her family closer to mine to give support during their grieving process (invited them to our Thanksgiving). In every way I knew how, I was there for her. It was difficult for me to be with her every second as we went to schools an hour apart. Long distance is no stranger to us, as we maintained our relationship when I was 8 hours away from her in LA for my first year of college. And during the past 4 months we have been both happy maintaining our semi-long distance relationship at different schools. When the holidays came around, I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime to climb Mt.Kilimanjaro for free. I did the trip, but felt incredibly guilty not being with her in support as she went through the first Christmas and New Years without her dad. While I was away, we talked whenever I had internet connection and were both excited to see each other. When I got back, we spent a great few days together before I invited her to come on a vacation with me to Tahoe (in hopes it would both bonding and therapeutic). In the last minute before leaving, she told me she needed to be with her family and couldn't go. When I got back from Tahoe, she sat me down and told me she couldn't continue our relationship anymore because she needed to grieve her dad alone and valued the opportunity to be alone more than the opportunity to continue our relationship. That to me is something that is hard for me to fully understand. It hit me like a train. That night was sleepless and filled with anxiety attacks. I had 8 days before we each drove down to LA again. In my head I thought back to the 6 days prior when we were still together and everything was seemingly great, Only in retrospect do I realize she had been wearing a thick mask to hide her sadness, but I still am lost as to when the love slipped away with it. The dynamics had changed in our relationship after her dad, but my perspective was I was giving her the chance to be sad without me forcing her to be happy. Again, I didn't know how to handle to situation as I have never been there before. For the next 8 days, I spent time with her, cuddling, laughing, wrestling. She made it clear we were still broken up and used this time as a chance to easily transform our relationship into friendship. I saw it differently. I saw the 8 days as a chance to fight for our relationship. She would openly say she was confused, to the point that on night 5 she slept with me. From my perspective, there was hope and I wouldn't accept the idea that the relationship was over. When I tried to confront her about it, she would tell me I needed to forget about her and move on. And of course that’s the last thing I wanted to do. My mind was split between fighting for what we had to rekindle whatever had been lost, or to give her the pace I knew she needed. Still, the entire week I suffered anxiety attacks and cried excessively. In the last days before we parted to school, she became stern with her decision to split up and I truly began to mourn our relationship. On the day of departure, still a wreck, she kissed me goodbye and told me she wanted to stay in contact. My mind was spinning with the never-ending question of “why.” After she had expressed her desire for me, she still kissed me goodbye, told me she cared about me, and went on her way. I texted her on good terms as we each settled into our lives separated in LA, but told her to reach out to me when she wanted to talk. After a few days I never heard anything from her. It was so difficult to see her continue with her life so effortlessly. “Business as usual.” I used social media to see that she was having fun and still in contact with her friends, but I somehow had been cut out of the picture. I still loved her, but it was impossible for me to move on. I was an emotional wreck, lost in our memories and attempting to take my first steps towards recovery. I finally had the courage to call her after a week of silence, knowing that by giving myself a week I would get over the initial blow of emotions I would go through in the first week of separation. It was hard. Like withdrawal from a drug. My chest always carried around an aching pain, while my mind went on autopilot throughout the day. I would take advice and keep myself busy, meeting with friends, getting out of the house. I even picked up running. By the time I called her I thought I could begin to foster a friendship, knowing that giving her space would be the best thing for her. Deep down, I hoped she would turn back and say that she was wrong, but of course she didnt. We made small conversation about how our weeks had been, acting as though we were friends with no history. My mind was ruptured. It hurt that she never reached out to me in our week of silence, but boy was it good to hear her voice now. I quickly realized she didn’t want to get into the relationship. She made it obvious she was over with me, but my mind still hung onto this idea of hope from the kiss, sleeping with me. My mind seeded this idea that she was confused and still in love with me and there was some hope deep down. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to cling on. But at the same time the last thing I wanted to give up on something that was so good. Finally I mustered up the courage to be direct about the situation. I understood she needed space, but was there any way I could be in the picture for that? No. Why did you kiss me goodbye? Closure. I want you to tell me you don’t love me anymore. I don’t love you anymore. We took a few minutes discussing why she felt the way she did in a blunt conversation. In the end she told me she needed space to be independent, not worry the stress of our relationship. But how could you give up on we happiness we had? I expressed my passion for our companionship, how happy we were together. A bad tactic, I know. At the end, I told her that for my sake we shouldn’t talk for several months. A peppy “OK. I understand.” Today I find myself in a situation where I know the healthiest thing to do would be letting her go and moving on completely to enjoy my time here in college. However it’s difficult to ignore the potential our relationship our had and the incredibly unique experiences we shared at such as milestone in our lives. My head has moments of clarity where I see the future as a single person, where I can develop myself, be with other people. But I am constantly reminded of the amazing memories we share and still not entirely understanding why it had to end with me out of the picture. My heart is suffocating from the anxiety and withdrawal of having a best friend. Where I need guidance is to assess where I stand in her life and how much should I be part of that. All I want to do is talk to her everyday and support her in such a difficult time in her life. The irony is before I didn’t know how to support her because I had never gone through any major grief in my life, and now that she’s left me, I see through her mask and can recognize the pain she must be in. I have several anxiety attacks each day, almost a month after she left me, each one inspired by a rabbit hole of thought as I think about how she is fine without me. I am reminded constantly of our past and am intimidated about the future. I’ve been told to support her from afar, but how do I do that without hurting myself? If I don’t talk with her will she drift too far and I then lose all hope of us getting too far? I want to give her space, but keep me in the picture as support. Should I fight or fall back? How do I cope with the anxiety? If anybody has lost a parent, what has been their experience with their relationships? What is it that she needs and is there anyway I can be in her picture? I know I am 19 and the story sound like the classic first loves drama. But the pain that I am going through gets harder every day as I think about her drifting. TL;DR My girlfriend left me after the passing of her father for reasons pertaining to her needing space to grieve. She fell out of love with my, however gave me strong signals of hope after we had broken up. After confronting the hope and beginning my first steps into acceptance, I am lost on truly understanding why she left me and how I should best allow the situation to play out to foster the potential for getting back together. The pain is overwhelming and I want to be there to support her but she has kindly told me she needs to be alone. How do I cope? How do I fight? How do I let got? What have been your experiences in relationships when losing your parent?
  8. It's been over a year since my dad put a gun to his head and sprayed his brains all over the house that I grew up in. I wasn't there when it happened, but just knowing that it happened that way haunts me constantly. My father had survived cancer, and fought with that for most of my life, so I thought he could survive anything. I never knew how sad he was, and now that I have been slapped in the face with it, I can't shake this terrible feeling. I feel like I wasn't a good enough daughter to him. Like i failed him because i thought he was stronger than he was. Like most little girls, I grew up idolizing my dad. Thinking of him as a super hero. A rock. An unstoppable force who was going to be by my side and in my life forever. But that was not the case. He left me in a blood-stained memory, and all I can do is think about him. Everything comes back to that phone call I got saying he was gone. There are so many days where I feel all I can do is cry and think about every moment I ever spent with him. Some days I'm just bitter and pissed off about everything and I want to punch everyone in the face who's having a better time than I am. I think about his death constantly. I dream about it. And I have become so dependent on substances to fade away the reality of everything, when I try not to drink or smoke, I end up feeling everything 100 times stronger. I just want to be numb. I want to stop feeling all of this. I feel too much at once, and I just hate how much this event has taken over my life. I loved my dad more than anything. He was always the one I could talk to when things weren't going well, or the first person I'd want to call when everything was going great! I have no one now, or at least it feels that way. I am not the same person I was before his suicide, and the people who love me might not love this new me. They might only love the old me, and she's never coming back. it was two weeks before my 25th birthday when it happened. Everything near his death date is tainted. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't want any of it anymore, because it will never be the same. All I ever wanted was for my father to see me succeed. And I'll never get that chance. He died knowing I was a loser. He died knowing I hadn't become anyone yet. That I hadn't done anything with my life. Well, I'm doing something now. At least, I'm trying. I'm trying to get my art out there. I'm trying to get my life in order. I've quit smoking for over 5 months now (and I want to break down every minute of every day and smoke, but I'm staying strong). He'll never get to see the woman I'm becoming. It tears me up inside when I realize everything he's missing. And then I just start to get angry, because there are so many times when I've wanted to give up on everything. But I haven't. I'm still here. I'm still here fighting with my own pain, and now on top of it, I'm fighting with his, too. It's so much weight for one set of shoulders to carry, but I'm doing my damnedest.
  9. I'm having a lot of difficulty driving! My mother passed away from cancer in June of 2014. I was with her and holding her hand. 18 months later my father passed away suddenly of a stroke. I woke up to find him passed out on the couch. Due to my occupation, I have CPR training and began performing that right away while I was on the phone with 911. It didn't work. My father was already too far gone and they were certain he wouldn't make it to the hospital. I felt guilt while calling his mother to tell her that her first born son had died, and I tried to save him, but failed. I have a great relationship with my Grandmother, so naturally she did not blame me at all, but it was and is still there. 3 weeks later, my fathers best friend died of cancer as well. He was a man i called dad, and called my father daddy. I was really close to him. In the months following, the story got crazier. Not only was I dealing with his estate, but the cottage that my parents owned was broken into by someone we knew! To make it worse, he stole my parents items, and moved them to my dads best friends cottage a kilometer away! after that ordeal, I was selling my fathers house, and was having it painted for the sale, and the painters were stealing items! I managed to get it all back. As if that was not enough, I found out that my fathers neighbours son had robbed a store with a butcher knife and the police wanted me to testify in court! To put everything into perspective, I am a 29 year old woman, and an only child. I was living with my parents during their deaths as I was completing my college degree. I managed through everything, and got it all sorted out, but now that things have calmed down, I have a very big fear of driving! I'm afraid that my hand will suddenly jerk the wheel and I will crash. I'm also afraid that someone else will not be paying attention and will swerve into me. I find I have sensory overload, and I can't focus on everything that is going on, on the road. Stop signs, other cars, my speed, road names. It feels very overwhelming and throws me into a panic attack! Has anyone else felt this? Does anyone have any tips they can share? Obviously everything I went through is causing this, but why?
  10. I'm 25 and my dad passed away unexpectedly from complications due to a heart attack. It happened a few weeks after my birthday. He was in the hospital on life support for two weeks, but there was no hope for him so we had to let him go. He died in June, and everything has gone downhill since. My sister fought with me and told me I didn't care enough, then came over to my house and attacked me in the middle of the night and cussed me out telling me it's not my house, it's hers, and I contribute nothing. I left my job for a few months so I could be there for my mom who is not coping well. She has to take several pills daily to numb herself and she has not once been here for me, she has borderline personality disorder and regularly yells at me over mundane things. This whole time everyone has given me the blame for everything, for some reason I am the punching bag of the family. I was coping somewhat well until having relationship issues and restarting my job (I am also in a fast paced school program). I have suffered severe anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, night terrors, and hallucinations at night. I also have digestive issues and feel terrible 24/7. I can't tell anyone this because nobody cares. My mom is the only one allowed to feel pain I guess. Everybody I try to talk to tells me I either need pills or therapy because it's "not normal". I've recently given up my therapist because he was definitely not a match for me. I feel life isn't worth living and I have nothing to look forward to without my dad. And I'm trapped in a house with someone who is emotionally abusive and demands constant attention. I just want someone's input on this situation??? Thanks.
  11. Hi all. My name is Stephanie. I lost my mother almost 8 months ago to ovarian cancer. I saw her suffer with it (silently b/c she would never complain) for about 2 1/2 years. She did chemo for 2 years and did responded well to it. Then the chemo stopped working and she slipped away right in front of my eyes. I managed as best as I could after she passed. I was enrolled in college at the time and stayed busy with that because I made her a promise that I would not drop out again. Because of school I stayed very busy and I guess my mind did not have much time to really process what I saw and what actually happened. I mourned her death but kept myself occupied. I worked out almost every day. I would hardly ever rest. I was constently doing something. Anything. I would do anything to try and fill the emptiness I felt. I even tried crossfit. Crossfit didn't work out well b/c I ended up in the hospital b/c of a very serious migraine, which was caused by heat exhaustion and dehydration, which in turn caused a very intense panic attack. I had an eye sguiggle b/c of the migraine which caused the anxiety to begin with. It made the left side of my body go numb and I thought I was having a stroke. I was driving my son home when the migraine started happening. I could not even remember how to get home. My 4 year old son had to tell me how to get there. I thought I was going to wreck. It was the most terrifying experience I've ever had. Ever since the day I went to the ER, I've been having issues. I started having panic attacks daily after that. Every time a bright light or something would interfere with my vision, I would start to have a panic attack. In fear of having that awful experience again. Eventually I couldn't sleep or eat.. I had a pounding heart with no relief for about 24 hours when I decided that enough was enough. Something is wrong. I need to call the doctor. I lost 10 pounds in 5 days and could not manage to get out of bed. It was the weekend at the time so by Monday I made an appointment to go see the doctor and he prescribed me klonopin to take at night to help me calm down so I could sleep. I was prescribed this before with post-partum anxiety/depression/insomnia. I absolutely hated it but It helped tremendously. I hated taking it but it eventually worked and I didn't have to take it anymore. I have tried Ativan and am currently taking xanax b/c the other too just made me more anxious. He did not diagnose me with PTSD officially b/c he's not a pysch dr but a OBGYN, but he seemed to think that is what is going on with me. I am doing better but I get this overwhelming pang of fear every now and then that causes me so much distress. It comes out of nowhere. It's a feeling like I am afraid to be alive. Like this is, or I am not real. Like I am stuck or claustrophobic in my own body. Saying out loud makes me laugh because it sounds so ridiculous but it is causing me a great deal of anxiety. And I CANNOT make it go away. I cannot get my mother out of my mind either. I was doing pretty decent before that experience in the ER. So, I don't know if going to the ER was the cause of this, my mother, or maybe it triggered something b/c of the overwhelming loss of my mother but It's absolutely horrifying and I'm at a loss. Benzodiazepines (klonopin, ativan, xanax, valium) so I'm told, is given to people sometimes to help with PTSD and severe distress and anxiety. It can take a few weeks for it to be therapeutic. Basically I am writing this to see if anyone else has ever dealt with these feelings before? I am at a complete loss as how to handle this. I hate the meds but what if they help me in the long run? I know this is a lot to read. I understand if no one wants to take the time. I feel better banging it out on the keyboard. Much love to you all who are suffering. (sorry for the typos)
  12. My dad passed away 6 weeks ago and I am finding it almost impossible to cope. I have suffered from Generalized Panic Disorder most of my life and I am the Panic Attack Queen. However I had worked very hard on reducing my anxiety, and I was able to get on with most tasks even though things like travelling a long way still flummoxed me. However since my Dad died my panic has ramped up so high I just want to lie in bed for the rest of my life. My Dad was a - there isn't a nice way to say this - a terrible father. He instilled fear in me from the moment I was born and taught me how to hate myself and everything I did. I can barely remember any good memories with him, everything is tinged with his verbal and emotional abuse. I was also his carer from age 13 through to 40 when he died, so I've given up really all of my life to look after him. He'd often complain that I wasn't working - I did manage to hold down some good jobs while looking after him and looking back now I can see how screwy his way of thinking was. I can see clearly now how mentally ill he was and in the later stages how he got very severe dementia. He was very good at telling me I was wrong and confused about things, and I believe everything he did was my fault. During his final month he was in hospital then a hospice. It was the worse time of my life; my beloved mother fainted in the bathroom two weeks before he went into hospital and had a massive head injury, I had to resuscitate her on the bathroom floor. The sheer fear that charged through me at the thought she might die before my father is something I can't shake off. She came out of hospital then collapsed again, and a week later my Dad collapsed and I found myself ringing for an ambulance for the third time. I sat in A&E with him from 9pm to 6am despite having proper full blown flu and just wanting to die myself. I then spent the next month with him, getting everything sorted out and doing everything he needed. In return he was vile and repeated every time of abuse he'd exhibited to me growing up in the space of a month. When he did finally pass though I felt so guilty about not being there with him. I knew he had only a few hours left but he was in a coma and I just couldn't cope anymore. What really killed me was when we left him for the last time he tried to sit up in bed when he heard me talk, for my mum and brother he just laid there. I felt we finally bonded, even though so much of his last days were spent being so verbally aggressive. My problem now is my anxiety has come back full pelt. I went to my GP who said I need to go into bereavement counselling, and there's nothing wrong with me. He has prescribed beta blockers but somewhat ironically I am too panicked to take them. I just feel like I'm going to keel over most of the time. I get hot and sweaty and my brain doesn't engage. I feel everything around me is heightened. My friends keep telling me it's still early days and to look after myself, but I am not even sure what looking after myself means anymore. I feel I have fallen over a massive fence and I am stuck the other side, I can see the fence I need to climb back over but no idea how to do it. Real life and how I used to feel is on the other side of it. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact my father has actually gone and died - he was terminally ill for 8 years with heart failure and it's been so stressful, even for his medical team - but also because i feel all the abuse of the last 40 years has come to hit me in the face. I live at home with my mum because she is too frail to live on her own. My dad was 85 but he so didn't want to die that I don't feel I can say he was a good age. Maybe in time I will be able to accept it was a good age. Any tips for dealing with anxiety? Will this get better?
  13. Hi, I'm Kristen and I am 20 years old and I have been suffering with depression ever since the loss of my father and it is consuming my life. I lost my father two years ago from stage 4 lung cancer. I still remember perfectly as my mother walked down the driveway with tears in her eyes.. She didn't have to say anything I had already knew by the look on her face it was cancer, something I have feared my whole life. I instantly dropped to the ground and started bawling my eyes out, it was a horrible day. You see when I was a child (and to this day) death has always been terrifying to me. The thought of losing my parents was something I could simply not deal with. I would even lay in bed late at night hoping that my parents had their air bags turned on, and on numerous occasions I would lay in bed crying worried that something had happened to my father because he was an hour late coming home from his usual 11pm shift (I would stay up until I heard him come home). As you can see, this was constantly on my mind as a child. I would always tell them how I never wanted them to die and they were constantly reassuring me that they would be around for a long time. I took this very seriously, it was something that I had strongly believed in. For a while I stopped worrying, nothing could touch us, we're invinscible. These things happen to other people, not me. In 2012 at the age of 17, I was horribly mistaken..My father had been diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to his brain. The image of sitting on the bed in the hospital room crying on my fathers shoulder while the doctor told me and my family we only have 4-6 months of time left with him is forever burned in my head. My father was a smoker and that was always something that bothered me. I always had a feeling that my father was not going to be around when I got older, that he would not see me graduate, wed, or start a family. I have always felt a very deep connection with my father and I had often felt we were one in the same. 4 months before being diagnosed I cried to my boyfriend about how my father was going to die of lung cancer, I KNEW he would. My father had been showing NO signs of illness at this point in time, I could just feel it. Everyone thought I was crazy and again reassured me that everything was going to be OKAY and my father will be fine and live a long healthy life. I'm not sure why I experienced this as a child but it was something that I constantly felt deep inside. One week ago while sitting and chatting with my mom, she revealed to me that my father had always felt the same. He would always tell her when I was a baby that he feared he wouldn't be there to see me grow up, it was something that he had also worried about. This goes to show you just how connected a father and daughter can be, true love at its finest. Anyways now that you know a bit of my back story let me move on to how the loss has impacted my life. Against the odds my father was able to survive an entire year with almost full cognitive function 9 months in (a true blessing). After new years, our wonderful year was over. Things steadily went downhill and I knew that this was going to be the end. He passed away at 11pm on March 5th 2013 and I will never, ever forget the moments watching him take his last breathe..watching him lay there like he was just sleeping and nothing was wrong. Ever since he passed away my perception on life has been completely distorted, what I see now is a life of hoplessness that ends in death. Everything I do now revolves around thinking about death. When I am in a happy situation I think about how these people are probably going to die soon, or what if that person got hit by a car tomorrow, I look for death in everything. I am constantly worried about myself getting cancer, and I am slowly becoming a hypochondriac if i'm not already one. I'm angry.. all the time. I hate life but I don't.. I would never kill myself, that is something I would never do to my family. Hurting myself is a different story. Since my father passed away Ive gotten so overwhelmed that I had actually thrown myself down a 12 foot later, twice. I also purposely threw myself down a flight of stairs at my school as well... my logic being that I would rather be hurt and in a hospital than dealing with what was going on in my life. It has now been a year since I've done something drastic like that.. I see it as progress but my mind is still in a horrible state. This morning my fathers hat was on the speaker in the livingroom and it instantly brought tears to my eyes..I wore in and layed in bed bawling my eyes out for an hour until I was able to calm down. Seeing photos of him brings instant sadness upon me. If I see someone in public that looks like him, I have a feeling of almost wanting to hold them and have them hug me so I could pretend. I think about everyday how I wish I could see him just one more time. What gets to me is that alot of the memories I have of him, are when he was sick and unwell. I have feelings of regret for not paying more attention and taking in more when I was around him, and making more memories. I have dreams that he had come back from the dead and its all a mis understanding. So tell me... have you felt like this and how did you get over it. My bond with my father was so deep that my life has literally been flipped upside down since his death, I've become a morbid, negative, miserable person. How can two years have passed and yet a single thought of him makes me cry, it's a horrible feeling that I have never experienced before ( It was my first death). I feel I have coped so negatively (excessive use of marijuana, alcohol, painkillers) I was never this person before. I was a happy teenage girl who kept up her good grades. I still am able to study nursing after taking a year off after throwing myself down the ladder.. but my motivation is gone, I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Do you ever ask yourself what is the point? We are all going to die. Everything around us dies. My father was such a huge loss that I hoenstly feel like the loss of my Mother would kill me. Please help me, these thoughts are consuming my life and I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole.
  14. Hi all. My mum died three years ago on holiday with my Dad. She was on the back of his motorbike. My dad was unscathed when they had a crash, but my Mum died... I still don't know exactly what happened. I took a few months off university but got a job and kept incredibly busy for the past three years. I find myself constantly gripped by anxiety now, and have never regained the confidence I had before Mum died. I feel like life was going so well and then I was cheated - I can't cope with stress at all anymore, so I don't push myself and hesitate to do anything new for fear of being overwhelmed. I feel like a weak, damaged person and I'm so jealous of all the successful, bright young people I see around me - I want them to know I'd be like them too if I hadn't been through what I have. I don't know if I will be this way forever, or if I can get rid of the constant anxiety and fear of imminent catastrophe. I just wanted to start a conversation to see if there is anyone out there who feels this way too. I've never another woman who has lost their Mum suddenly in their teenage years.
  15. For the past 1-2 years my life feels different. It's like I lost joy in life! Life at home ain't pretty, mum and dad don't talk to each other but still live in same house. I feel like I lost all the motivation! I have lots of dreams and aspirations but for whatever reasons might be then I don't succeed in doing them! It is really sad, I want to be a 10 in my life! Want to improve as a person, want to succeed! But then there is a part in my brain where it doesn't let me! So frustrating!!! At an age of 21 I want to start thinking positive and improve my life! Anybody ever felt like this? Thanks.
  16. 3years ago, my Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and consequently died at the age of 60, less than 8weeks from the point of diagnosis. This heartbreaking loss absolutely destroyed me but as a family we supported each other through the tough initial years of grief. The grief was still extremely present when 4weeks ago; with no prior signs or warning, my Dad had a fatal heart attack and died at the age of 63. I am only 29years old, and i now have no parents. Its rubbish, The death of them both has absolutely destroyed me, and i now have serious issues with my self-belief, confidence and anxiety. I have just got back into work having spent the past year in poor health (and i need a purpose in life, i want to work and be successful more than anything). Until years ago i have always been a confident young man, however recently my confidence and self-belief is at an all time low having spent so much time out of work. The untimely death of my father, incidentally 3years to the day that we buried my mother; occurred whilst i was looking for work and i now feel increased sense of immense pressure to succeed in honour of my Dad who was my absolute hero, my inspiration and my aspiration. I literally could not speak highly enough of him. I miss him so much already. This seems to have resulted in me being so afraid of failing at work that i get anxious to the point of being unwell and have panic attacks meaning so far i have only completed 11 hours in my first week, This is incredibly embarrassing, but I also find it hard to explain and to discuss the issue at length with any friends or family as i feel ashamed of the way i feel. I want to work for so many reasons: to earn money, to have a purpose and to be recognised and to be proud; but despite work being the thing is want most, the anxiety and fear of failing take over and all i can think about is escaping from the situation. Within hours of going home, i will be fine and will find myself thinking logically and will be incredibly frustrated that i am wasting a very good job opportunity. I have an introductory counselling session booked for Tuesday evening to try and deal with the grief alleviate the anxiety, as one thing for certain is that it simply must be addressed and it is ridiculous and its becoming a real problem. I am extremely lucky to have an incredible supportive and caring girlfriend who i live with, a very close relationship with my 2 brothers and a sister, and an extremely supportive network of extended family and friends, but yet i have never felt so alone. I have spent the entire 29 years of my life craving their affection and their support, looking for their praise, seeking to impress and to make them proud of me, and now i am left alone and i dont know what to do or where to turn. I found reading other people's stories on this site was a very useful exercise for me, if anything, just to help me realise that i am not alone in my feelings. I have no idea if anyone will even read this far down but as i am embarrassed discussing the issue with friends and family, i thought i would give this forum a go so thanks for reading:).
  17. My Dad died suddenly over a week ago and devastated. I'm having trouble sleeping and experiencing panic and anxiety. I'm 5 months pregnant and trying to stay as calm as possible and making sure to take care of myself and the baby but sad that she'll never get to meet my Dad and he'll never get to meet her. He was such a great grandpa to my siblings kids. I also worry and am almost waiting for something else bad to happen and anticipating another loss soon. Is this normal??? I'm going to schedule an appointment with a therapist tomorrow but was wondering if this is normal and how others dealt with a loss of a parent while pregnant.
  18. This year has been one of the horrible years in my life in fact I can't remember a worse one , 2013 started off with a 20 year marriage separation and then things started to go down hill from there , Just trying to live life when all of a sudden my sweet kitty of 13 years ,who was my rock whenever I was depressed had started to get sick... I took her to the vet , did everything I could for her only to have her die in my arms , I was devastated ... her death hit me hard . ( I wrote her story in another post ) Then everything started to hit me and I ended up having so much anxiety and stress about life and my current situation I wound up in the emergency room with a nervous breakdown.... I was emotionally and physically exhausted to say the very least , My doctor thought it might be a good idea to jack up my existing prescription 3 times the amount I was previously taking and that caused me to have a severe reaction , I became very ill with something that could have taken my life , they ended up taking me completely off that drug so I wouldn't die... OK talk about anxiety! I thought they were suppose to help my stress not induce more... uhhhggg ... So anyways then I had to go through withdrawals... nice right... FAST FORWARD 2 months later , After a lot of recovery I am starting to get my physical body back... I had lost a lot of weight in muscle while ill.. so I had started to regain strength back slowly ... I started to eat again... I started to feel more emotionally stable... I still felt anxiety and depression but more controlled now ... life started to show light again... Then one day I received notice that mom was in the hospital...I called the hospital and before telling me any information they handed the phone to my mom which I thought was weird but now in hindsight i am so grateful they did ....When my mom picked up the phone I said mom ...she replied "what? I said whats wrong? she said aneurysms and stroke... I kinda didn't know if this was true because mom had a history of dementia...OK so Then I just comforted her a bit and said mom I love You and She replied I love you too... she then put the phone down. Still not knowing the severity of her condition I was trying to find out what was going on ...they told me the doctors were going to do some test in the morning and they would let me know everything. So now the anxious waiting begins ... I didn't sleep very well that night and woke up the next morning to speak with the doctor whom informed me of Moms several severe conditions...She had previously had her colon out a month prior due to internal bleeding , she had massive internal bleeding again and would eventually bleed again even if they were to stop it, she also had aneurysms one of which was 7 cm on her lower aorta . also bleeding from the esophagus and had a mild heart attack. I think i may still have been in denial but it did't hit me what he was really trying to say . We had set up a family conference for the following day , The next day came along and with my sister and her daughter being physically present at the hospital then my Aunt and I on the phones the doctors proceeded to tell us there was nothing more they could do for my her , she was not a candidate for surgery and offered the hospice comfort care ... thats when it hit me .. I was losing my mom, They said if after we took her off the life supports she made it through the next couple days at hospital they would send her back home to the nursing home she had lived in previously. My mom was a fighter as she had been her whole life and she hung on long enough to make it back home, She had been in assisted living and nursing home for many years prior and she has had several visits to hospitals with some being very serious , in and out , surgeries , falls , this and that done and some how always made it through , but this time was different she wasn't gonna be able to beat her disease and when I heard this news i was crushed ... cried like I was a little girl... The hardest part was she lived in a facility that was so far away from me and with my anxiety disorder it made prior visits very hard and few . I felt so sad she was so far. I was however extremely grateful that my sister and niece whom she loved very much were close by and holding vigil by her side . I know my sister was in a lot of emotional pain but she was holding it together for the sake of everybody involved and I am so thankful for that. With mom being on her end of life care it was eating me up that I was so far away , the anxiety and depression was overwhelming and I just couldn't take it anymore so I decided to react , I went gassed up and just started driving not knowing if my car would make it ... I just needed to say I love you in person.. or at least I had to try ... It took hours to get there and I felt like I was driving in a mental fog but /i made it safely . I was then and will be forever grateful I made that choice , I arrived and My mom was so frail it was hard to see her like that but it didn't matter because shes mom, I held her hand and we all prayed for her... she then opened her eyes and stared at me ... I gave her so much love n affection and even though she could no longer speak verbally I could tell in her eyes she knew I was there and was saying it back , I sung to her a little and when it was time to go I told her i would see her soon. She looked peaceful when I left but it was so hard to go knowing I would never get to see her in this lifetime again. So a day and a half went by with mom basically no change ...Last night I just had a feeling , I cant describe it but I just knew it was going to happen... I went to bed at around 1:00 am and put the phone on the pillow next to me ,.. at 1:30 am my sister called to tell me MOM is in heaven now... there was immense sadness but also a kind of peace that washed over me... My sister proceeded to tell me the details ... she went smooth and peaceful ... she was calm... ect. It has been a tough year for me , but one blessing from this is I am forever grateful that she took her last journey comfortably and in peace wrapped in Gods loving arms with love surrounding her from all sides. Thanks for giving me the space to air my thoughts and for taking time to read them ... <3 KiKi's mom and Sandra's daughter
  19. I lost both brother in 2009 from heart disease, my sister passed away from cancer in 2005 and my mother recently passed away in December 2012 of Heart Disease as well... Pure depression...It's such a struggle...
  20. Hi I am new to the group. My mother just passed away. I am trying to cut myself some slack and remember the good times. I also have issues with anxiety and am trying to keep it together, but it's hard. How does everyone deal with anxiety? Thanks for listening.
  21. So here it comes another anniversary. I prep for things like a prize fight. Gotta get my head in the game. Notify friends get support and prep for a day fighting the champ. My nose will be broken and my body bruised in the end. Allot like the movies of images that flash by of your apponent and the beatings you recieved before but this time your ready...right? You got everything in place. Friends on the way, meal planned out, and I have my hands taped. Beating up the bag that is my soul hoping I can strengthen myself. Bright lights the bell is going to ring and then I will open the door to my first guests that day. I move to the left avoiding jab after jab as I go from friend to frined who is trying to console me. Them not realizing that all the punches I am revieving is coming from thier memories of my son. Suddenly a right hook comes in the form of a flashback. I am winded and knocked down the countiung begins1....2.....3....4....5...... I stagger up. My frineds hold my hand as I begin to cry and scream at the horror........ Will I make it to round 2? That was last year..........Nov. 19th comes I ready?