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Today after driving for over 8 hours, I reached home and suddenly began having a panic attack. My entire body felt as if I was vibrating. My hands were straight out and I could not bring them back together for 10 minutes. I felt as if I was about to pass out, but I never did. A lot of things reminded me of my mother during the ride. On the way home, I cried for three hours straight. I almost crashed four times, but I did not. That made me feel more guilty of how I can avoid death but my mom died anyway from sepsis. My sister helped me calm down and breathe normally again. I'm still feeling a little off. My issue is that the more I think about how my mom is no longer alive, the more it feels like a dream. I don't know how to explain this. I literally feel as if I'm just stuck in a nightmare but I cannot wake up from it and that's when I start panicking. The more I remember how my mother passed and that I will not ever get to see her or speak to her again, my mind feels distant. As if this is all just a test. My chest also starts to hurt. The flashbacks make me feel the same pain over and over each time. Has someone ever said something really mean to you and it hurt your feelings? That's how I feel every time I remember how my mom died. It's starting to not feel like reality anymore. Like I'm not really even a human being. It all feels like a huge prank being played on me. Deep breaths and all those techniques only help for a small amount of time. My throat tightens as if I'm about to cry. And I do. I cried today more than I did at the funeral. When I think about how much I cried, I want to cry again. This is just getting too much to deal with as time goes on and time is surely not healing this wound. What can I do to stop panicking and bring myself back to reality? How will I continue my life without my mother here with me? I literally want to press the "start over" button and go back to when I was a baby just so I can see her again.