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Found 25 results

  1. My Dad died a year ago on my birthday. It was very hard on me, because we were very close and like minded, and I had to take him off of life support. It took 6 months for me to stop spontaneously crying. Yesterday was the one year mark. I feel like my heart has shattered all over again. I'm angry, broken, and lost. I tried to rely on my fiancee, but he has proven to be...unreliable. My mom relies on me for everything now, and I have to be her rock. It feels like the world is caving in around me, and I don't know what to do.
  2. My oldest sister passed away 10 months ago from cancer & the effects of chemotherapy. My whole family is struggling, & so am I. Of course, we pray, as we are Christians. Has anyone joined a group for grief support (not online, in person)? I have been unable to join one yet due to social anxiety & depression. Nearly everyone seems to have forgotten that we are living with this terrible loss. It is so hard, living without our precious sister & second mother. I am glad she isn't suffering terribly anymore, because she really suffered tremendously. I just miss her so much! I feel guilty for yelling at her a few times when I was trying to help care for her, though I was very stressed & exhausted. I should never have yelled at my wonderful sister, who was so sick. I am angry at myself, honestly mad sometimes at God for letting her die, & possibly angry at my sister for not getting to the doctor sooner. Thank you to any who have gone to group therapy for grief support who can tell me if it has helped. May God bless & comfort all on here!
  3. dog

    I'm writing this after losing my best friend less than 24 hrs ago. He was a Terrier/ Maltese cross softest dog I've ever known with a unique cheeky clever personality. His name was Toto and he was my new wife's dog from being a tiny pup. My gorgeous wife didn't know the word discipline and 'marded ' him silly on a constant basis which explains his ridiculously soft personality. When my wife and I met over 10 years ago I didn't agree with lack of discipline with animals and letting them sleep on the bed but in time he just worked his magic on me and although I was generally the disciplinarian / alpha in our little family he could get away with murder at times with a cheeky teeth filled grin and pant and soft brown sad eyes that could crack the hardest of nuts. I even let him off itching his bum on my nice cream carpet , he wasn't one for a dirty bum but that was taking the mic! My then girlfriend lived with her parents and a tiny Yorkshire toy girl ( Totos ruling wife mimi)In fact she still does but we married this year ( finally) and waiting to move in our new work in progress house. anyway over the years toto and I became best friends , all be it his main love ❤️ was and will for ever be my Wife as they developed a bond that can only be described as soul mates. Toto was attacked when he was young on an estate and since he could not tolerate other dogs , he almost went into a panic stricken frenzy every time he saw one which no amount of training or conditioning could solve, as a result we just tried to avoid everywhere with dogs and I picked him up and distracted him whilst they passed ..... something which this certain little boy cottoned on too right away! This year he was 11 but very fit , still pulling us both round the lakes as we have a caravan up there which he loved. He adored walking everywhere and showed no signs of tiring or weakness. What an unbelievable thirst for life and an endless supply of love he had for us! It was literally infectious his energy and teddy bear loving ways. He had an ongoing issue with his ear, constantly reforming fungus/ polyps which he often scratched/ infected / needed treatment. As a result he was under a vet who saw him regularly , a month ago he developed a cough , the vet explained when he looked at him this was just a collapsed trachea , common in such breeds and nothing to be concerned about. We were happy to learn this and despite the fact he didn't check him over with a stethoscope or do any tests we were convinced this must be the problem. We continued to see the vet regularly for his ear and this week he had a severe episode of breathlessness which worried us a lot , we were advised that we should keep him cool as it was very hot and humid , sure enough after an hour or so of rapid breathing he improved and slept the next morning seemed better. He happened to have an appt for his ear again later that day so when we took him we explained the main worry was this freak episode and my wife said she thought he was going to die at one point. He again shrugged this off to trachea and said that no further tests would be needed and that he even listed him for surgery and a removal of some polyps the following Tuesday. Again no real thorough assessment no investigations it was late as we were the last of his pts and he was running over 30 mins late. We even asked if bronchodilators may help or anything should such an awful episode like that happen again might ease his symptoms, he just suggested a cool vest. I have to mention that the vets is cheap compared as he does not charge for appointments only if treatment required. As a result he's incredibly busy and apts are quick. I actually think he's a good vet but he's so busy he just isn't thorough as may be he should. Im off work at present as helping do up our shell of a house but kept an eye on him and all seemed ok apart from his bark seemed diminished like his throat was tight seemed more of a hough. We returned from cinema late Friday night and as routine always follows he came upstairs. According to my wife he seemed slow and just sat on the top of the stairs out of behaviour. He then came in the room but panting fast like he had before. I lifted him on the bed as I always do and he seemed not himself, panting very fast. We thought as we did before this must be his trachea like before and put the fan on whilst stroking him and calming him. I searched online looking for remedies , cool him down .... maybe throat gold.....put him on a diet long term ......calm him down. As the hours past his symptoms didn't , I started measuring his respiratory rate 123bpm.....121......120.....122 and so on , surely too fast as online it states much slower and that respiratory distress is an emergency. I couldn't see him like this any longer so I rang an emergency line. I spoke to a pleasant lady and told her everything. She agreed it was right to ring and asked if we were trying to cool him down and is he deteriorating. I said not particularly but he isn't improving. I feel most guilty for then asking how much a consultation would be , she said 160 initial then any treatment is extra after that. She explained our vet has a clinic in the morning even though different clinic we could see him first thing. Now I know for my boy I would spend thousands on him to my last penny if he needed it but we agreed with the vet that we would take him in should he worsen, hoping a repeat of him improving like last time. I don't know why I didn't just take him, I knew he wasn't well and couldn't settle or even lie down. I hate myself for this , I was his protector and I just let him down this goes around my head all the time. That night/ early morning we stroked him , my wife held him up to offload his belly to try and ease his symptoms , she did this for over an hour to help. He seemed at one point to improve but his panting continued. About 6am I had slept for a few hours , again something I feel awful for, I woke to my wife saying he still wasn't right. I rang the vet again but it just rang off so I checked online and they were opening at 9am. We continued to cuddle him in the hope he'd improve. We went straight to the vets ( not original one as we'd lost trust with him now) and almost was seen within 15 mins. a new vet saw him and did a thorough assessment. To our horror he explained he could hear a murmur and also said all this did not seem like trachea at all but he had to rule out heart failure? Now Toto has been such a fit dog , no real sign of any fatigue or weakness before. It can't be this surely ??!!! We are both physios worked in respiratory and very aware of heart failure symptoms and onset. We suddenly thought maybe this explains the initial cough , maybe his lungs are flooding ???? Why have I let him go without immediate treatment if so? Have we just ignored these symptoms last night thinking it was trachea and all along he was in Acute heart failure.... surely not! Why have I just being presuming on such an important life ? the vet took him and explained he will put oxygen on him and sedate him to lie him down and X-ray him. I felt some relief that something was being done. We both thought maybe if it's heart failure he could have a drain in his lungs then be given iv antidiuretics and be on heart meds long term and we'd have our baby back ! He said he'd ring us but to go away for a while until then. We went into town as j had an appointment at spec savers , didn't feel like going but maybe it will take our mind of our worries. The call came in town from the vet , his first words were 'I'm sorry it's not good news'. He might as well have but a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. This wasn't happening. He explained that very shortly after we handed him over to be cared for he put oxygen on him and started to sedate him for the X-ray. He started vomiting blood so he further sedated him and then he had a cardiac arrest. He explained he got him back but didn't know whether he'd suffered brain damage. We rushed back to see him, the vet took us in and explained he'd just passed. That was it .......my boy ....my best pal .... my life , my wife's lifelong companion ! I couldn't understand why when he was so fit before, why had this not been picked up sooner. We could have managed his heart better ! we then were lead round to see him , the worst moment of my life , just laid on the bed all still. Our baby. I cant describe how we feel , it's like this bundle of joy and happiness in our life was left with a massive hole. Just too sad for words. Then anger at the vet. We feel like we've been cheated out of a few years more. This is where it only begins , we'd packed his bag for the caravan with meds / food/ poo bags/ a toy/ his lead and harness. im so angry I'm so upset I'm crying all the time I just don't know what to do all of the time. Don't want to go for a walk or go to the van or do anything. The only thing which seems to help is talking about him and how wonderful he was. Ive come to realise though that this isn't it. He's going to be part of my future too. When we get his body back from the crem we will have him back in the house so he can find his way back to us. Well show him the new house when it's done and tell him he's always invited. I lost my wedding ring on honeymoon and want to get a replacement with some of his hair inside if possible. We will take him upstairs to our room at night and back down to the hall in the morning until we move. Sounds a little weird but we feel this is right. the thought of returning to my house with all his stuff there strikes fear within me or going to the van without him. One day I truly believe I'll see him again and play with him and take him for walks , it's the only way. There m not sure anyone is crazy enough to read this but to be honest just writing about him feels right. I know it's not just me with Toto , I can't begin to feel how my wife is feeling or her parents who are at home with him all these years. Hes our first child really and always will be , if we have kids they will know all about him and all the funny stories we will tell them. I wish my pain would go but in a way my pain is linked to him because I loved him so and I want to turn that pain into joy and a feeling of his specialness inside me forever like I'm now carrying him with me throughout life forever. My wife is worried that he'll be on his own now in heaven or trying to find his way. I know this isn't so , he's such a special dog that he'll have his way of finding us , he'll be with us and when we get his body back he'll continue to see how much we love him and he'll remain with us forever. His journey with us goes on until the next chapter when we are all together again which will happen again in time. Thanks for listening dave
  4. My father passed away 4 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched him deteriorate into nothing but a shell of who this strong, healthy man once was. I felt his body go from warm to cold and saw him taken away in a body bag. I was treated like trash by my family on his side. I was betrayed and belittled. Screamed at and mentally tortured by them. I was 25. Since then I've talked to countless therapists, been on medication and nothing takes away the pain and anger that I have. I used to be this beam of light and love. This carefree person who loved life and everything in it. I saw the world as beautiful in every way and saw the beauty in others as well. I was happy and my marriage flourished. After loosing my father I became this empty cold hearted person that felt betrayed by her family and betrayed by life itself that my father was taken away so young. He was 53. I've never reached out in a forum but I'm hoping I can connect with others and get some guidance on this topic.
  5. To anyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time to do so. It has been over a year since mum died, yet today was one the worst days yet. In the early afternoon, while working on materials for class - I teach adults in the evening - I started getting so angry. For some reason the computer kept printing the non-cropped version of a document, and I couldn't figure out why. Time was getting away, stress levels were rising, and I could see I'd barely have enough time to iron a shirt for work. Later, when I was finally able to do that, something happened. Can't remember what it was now, but I lost it. Threw anything I could get my hands on across the room, and then was consumed by guilt and self-loathing. I actually beat myself with my fists, and finally started weeping. I retreated to my bed where I wept and cried out to God, "When are you going to start helping me?". Repeatedly I screamed silently, my body totally rigid, and then screamed into my pillow, using it to muffle the sound. It was a close run thing, but finally I pulled myself together and went to work, making it there just in time to start class. First ten minutes or so was extremely hard, but after that, thank goodness, disassociation set in and the rest of the night went well. At the end of the evening, when a student was asking me questions, I realized that I didn't want them to stop, didn't want them to leave, because then I knew I'd have to face it all again. Sure enough, by the time I got home, the feeling of grief was overwhelming again. I called a friend, talked for a while, but then suddenly couldn't handle it anymore, just had to get off the phone. It was like a heavy weight was pulling me down into the earth, and I just couldn't do it, couldn't talk anymore. I couldn't give anymore, react in ways that conversations require. It was like an anxiety attack, I could feel panic growing within me, a growing urgency to get off that phone. No idea why. It feels like life is over for me. These days I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere, just work because I have to - and need to - and the rest of the time stay home with the world locked out. I have the phone turned to silent all the time, I can't remember the last time I answered it. I use an answering machine to screen calls, just in case there's a call I can't ignore. When I'm not working, I'll turn off my mobile phone so I don't have to deal with that either. Last few days I've been sleeping longer, but unfortunately not getting to sleep until around 3am, which of course means waking up around midday and having little time for marking student writing, lesson preparation etc. And I seem to feel more tired when I wake up than when I went to sleep. Writing is becoming more difficult now, long pauses in between sentences. There's a growing sense of inertia within me. Increasingly, I find myself just sitting here, staring into the distance, not actually seeing anything, feeling like I could do so forever, and never move again. Going to force myself to look at some student writing in the hopes it will distract me, tire me, and that as a result I'll soon go to bed. As before, I'm not asking for anyone to make me feel better - an impossibility as far as I'm concerned. There's nothing anyone can do. I just appreciate you being there. Thank you again for reading. Take care, David.
  6. I apologize ahead of time if I'm posting in the wrong place. I've read some other posts and this seems like the appropriate place for perspective/guidance. If I shouldn't be posting here please let me know and I'll remove it. (Long post) My partner (6 years) lost his mother 1.5 months ago. It was expected, but still very difficult near the end. Since then he has completely shut me out. Will only communicate over text. Won't see me. And he is SO ANGRY at everyone. I am trying to be supportive and stay calm. I know (at least I think I know?) this is not about me, but his grieving. I keep telling him I love him, I support him, and I will respect what he needs (e.g. Space or contact, whichever). I am quite strong and able to support him because, as I said, I know this isn't really about me. Just now, he has completely lost it on me (over text, never in person/phone). Told me I can't understand what he's going through and that he's done with me/the relationship. Said goodbye and to move on because he's done with me. He was quite angry/swearing. All over text. Never calling me names or disrespecting me. It was more the opposite - that he is a loser and a failure, etc. That I need to find a better person and have a better life without him. It kind of came out of nowhere (we hadn't been fighting or anything). It seems to have been triggered by me sending a text saying "I love you and I'm thinking about you". I don't text everyday. Maybe once per week, to give space. I've said repeatedly that I don't want to break up. That I want to support and understand what and how he is feeling. But all I get in return is being told to move on. I don't know how to handle this. Do I actually accept this as a real break up? Do I just give it a few days/weeks of space? Is this an expected part of grieving? I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.
  7. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  8. My mother died on December 26th, 2016. She was only 66 years old, She died of COPD. We weren't really close, she was a difficult woman. Whenever we were together we would fight, Its been that way since I was a child. I did love her though and she did love me in her own way. The last words she ever said to me in person was "get out" I did talk with her on the phone one time a few months before she died, she was kind of out of it . she told me she didn't blame me for "disappearing" after everything that happened between us. I still stayed away after that worried that I would upset her. when she was more in her right mind she tried to contact me but the one person who had my phone number gave her the wrong number on purpose. so for over a year she tried but I never got her message. I don't really have a social media presence so I guess I am kind of hard to find. our relationship was always off and on though. it was normal for us to go years without speaking. its so sad, such a waste of time. truth be told we were both sort of petty and very stubborn. the family members who looked out for her were cruel to her in her last days. they were penny pinching (with her money) they wouldn't pay for necessary medical stuff to keep her comfortable ,they cut off her cable tv, and even her last wishes in regard's to her burial weren't respected. to add insult to injury not 2 hours after she was buried they were over at her farm taking stuff, trying to at least. I stopped them in their tracks, when I called the cops on them ! I am now fighting with those ghouls over her estate. its not about the money or even the property. its about her wishes, she wouldn't have wanted them to see one red cent ! she wanted her place turned into an animal shelter for large animals (horses, goats, ect) and I intend on fallowing through with her wishes. its kind of my way to make amends. I try to remember what little good times we had but for every good one ten bag ones come flooding back as well. I love her and I hate her. I keep having the same reoccurring nightmare every single night. I dream that I am standing by her grave and for some reason I am overcome with a strange clusterphobic feeling and then I envision her buried alive, stuck 6 feet underground in her casket. then I wake up. I haven't slept in a week and time seems to have slowed to a crawl. do any of you guys suffered from reoccurring nightmares as well? how do you deal with mourning someone you've had a rocky relationship with? I noticed there seems to be very few books written about this kinda stuff. I feel so overwhelmed and tired both emotionally and physically. she is really all I can think about these days.
  9. Hi guys, I'm new to this forum but not to grieving so I hope I'm posting this in the right section. Its been seven years since my Brother and I lost our Mum after a short mental illness that ended in her giving herself alcohol poisoning. It was a very stressful and confusing time, I was 17 and my brother only 15. We (my brother, Dad and I) have all coped in different ways but I, until recently, have felt that we are in it together. My Dad began dating another women three years later. My parents were married for 23 years, so I felt that it was rather fast but I didn't want him to be lonely anymore. The new woman came with two children a couple of years younger than my brother and I. My Father made promises that our home would always be our home and that my Brother and I were always his priority. This year especially feels like my Dad is moving on from my Brother and I, with his new family that doesn't come with any grieving issues or reminders of his dead wife. He bought his new partner a house for them to live in, with rooms for her children but not for us. They have new cars, a hot tub and foreign holidays. He moved my mums cat into the new house only for his partners dog to chase her away. We haven't seen her since. I don't feel that I am welcome in the house. There are no photos of my family, no furniture from our old house either. I feel that 'the new family' are taking advantage of my Dad and his kindness to get what they want. They may not realise it, but all the perks they are getting are all because of the extreme and deverstating lose we have been through. It's not about money. It's about feeling pushed out of the life of the only parent we have left. I don't know how to bring this up without sounding conceited. I've been feeling concerned about it for some time but it's gone too far for me to have any impact now. I feel so sad, so forgotten. My Dad keeps talking about the future, he bought his partner a commitment ring just days before the anniversary of my mums death, but my brother and I are literally the past walking. We can't escape where we came from or replace what we have lost. I just don't know how to cope. I know I can't have the life that should have happened for us, but i don't think we deserve the treatment we are getting now. We've been nothing to accepting, even though it's not what we wanted. I miss having a family and a place to go home to. I feel very alone. I'm only 24. I'm not supposed to know what to do in these situations. Sorry this is so long. Thanks.
  10. It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year. I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday. The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons. He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow.
  11. I'm a new poster here and just lost my Mom and I hope this is the proper place for this post. My Mom died 4 weeks ago. She had been ill for around three years so I was as prepared as I could be for her death, but that doesn’t make it any easier. She had chronic pulmonary failure coupled with a bunch of other conditions. Each time she went into the hospital with pneumonia and complications we lost a piece of her and she was a shell of herself by the final time she went into the hospital. She made the decision, along with me and my father, to remove her oxygen tube on this final visit. I basically booked my flights across country (my folks live 3,000 miles away, we’re on opposite coasts). I landed on the west coast in the early afternoon and my Dad drove us straight to the hospital. I visited with her for a while and then the nurses came and removed the oxygen. It was a long and difficult 10 hours after that and then Mom passed peacefully. This was a horribly traumatic experience for me despite any possible preparations I could have made and I’ve been going through the normal grief process. What has been difficult is that Mom was an odd duck and a very private person, so we had no memorial service or funeral, not even a death notice. I ended up posting a death notice/eulogy for her on Facebook, which is completely out of character for me, simply because I felt a complete lack of support in the couple of days after her death. And this is where the second source of anger/grief has crept in and refuses to go away. I am so thankful that my husband and my close friends have been close and supportive of me during the darkest time of my life. I’ve also gotten sympathy cards from my extended family and friends, which I am extremely grateful for considering the lack of service/celebration. What I’m struggling with is the complete lack of support from my in-laws, my husband’s family, whom I thought I was close to. While my folks live far away, most of them are close by and I have (or thought I had) a reasonably close relationship with the family, especially my mother-in-law. This family has some odd dynamics (don’t they all) and so our home has been the gathering spot for most family holidays and parties for many, many years. I have gone above and beyond as a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law over the years, offering not only my home but quite a bit of emotional support to this family. These folks have not bothered to reach out to me beyond a sentence of Facebook condolences, reacting to my post. Not a card, nor a phone call — not even a personal text or email message. I hate that we live in the age of social media, where a line on Facebook might be a passable sentiment. I should note that they barely knew my Mom, my parents have never made a point to connect with my in-laws. But the loss is mine, and I am the one who is hurting. Is this normal? This is a family that has experienced tremendous tragedy. My husband lost his brother 11 years ago in an accident and the family rallied together then. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, by the way. I thought I was close to this family, but apparently I misjudged. My husband actually reached out to both his sister and my sister-in-law to let them know I was hurting and feeling abandoned and yet they have not bothered to reach out to me. I actually emailed my mother-in-law directly and while she sent me a heartfelt email back, her excuse for not contacting me for weeks after the death was that she “felt awkward because there was no service and she didn’t know what to do.” All I feel is anger and hurt. How am I supposed to deal with these people moving forward? I already told my husband the holidays and parties at our house are on hiatus for the foreseeable future - they will have to find someone else to sponsor their gatherings for the time being. I am just so hurt and betrayed. I understand that these people are self centered, self absorbed and obviously needy beyond comprehension, but I can’t excuse this neglect at such a troubling time in my life. I know anger is a normal part of the grief process, but I’m not usually an angry person and am finding it difficult to handle this complete lack of support from those I trusted. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do I get past this rejection and abandonment and move forward?
  12. It's been a long haul for me, and I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone here who truly understands this pain. I have had more losses in my 37 years than most people endure in a lifetime. As a teenager I lost my mother and all my grandparents, friends along the way and aunts and uncles and then in January of 2013 we lost my Mother in law (whom I had as long as I had my own mother), and found out that we couldn't have children. In December of 2013, my sister died tragically and unexpectedly with no medical reason or answers. She was only 42, and then just over a year later in January of this year my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67. I found him in his kitchen and couldn't save him. He was everything to me. We were very close and talked about everything and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I thought he'd be here forever. In addition to the grief and images in my mind that I am trying to deal with, I've been left to deal with his entire estate and the legalities of it have been a nightmare. I am blessed to have a wonderful, caring, compassionate, and understanding husband but even though these were all losses for him also, I don't think he truly understands when I say I feel so lonely. He takes that personal. I love him and our marriage, but outside of him and our home there is nothing or no one left. No joy. No one to have holidays with, no birthday celebrations or otherwise. No one to carry traditions on with. I don't know where this path is supposed to take me, or even what the point is now. It feels personal. It feels like punishment. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel this pain in order to understand, but if you're here and you're reading this, please reach out. Maybe we could help each other. I know people (friends) mean well when they try to give advice or say that they 'could imagine' what I'm going through, but the truth is that they don't have the first clue. Thank you for reading and listening.
  13. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm spent. Can I put another "I" in here? Selfish. My family calls me selfish. My mother who passed in April called me selfish most of my life. My sister calls my teenage daughter and I "selfish bitches." But she probably doesn't think that bothers us, so to be fair, it must look different from her perspective. Fair? I guess I am trying to say I realize there is more than one way to perceive a story. My sister and I are 12 years apart. She is 47 and I am 35. She helped take care of me when I was little. Then she moved out and started her life apart from me. I should mention that we have different dads; I am my father's only child, my sister's father passed away many years ago from cancer. He was an absentee parent. (I also have a 48 yo half brother, my sister's Irish twin, who disowned the three of us,my mom and sister and me, about 15 years ago, has an extreme Narcissistic personality, and has toyed with my mom's emotions and tortured her throughout the years; we don't speak at all). It has never made any difference to us about fathers, I point it out because I think it has bearing on our very different personalities. My sister has had much misfortune in her life, a lot of it was not of her doing. She, like myself, has very strong opinions about who she is, how the world should be, and how these ideals should affect the way she judges right from wrong. I have always considered her to be a good person and I love her and my 8 yo niece. I have mental health issues. Actually, we both do; different types, but the kind that are still imposing great difficulty on daily living. I mean, we both find it very difficult to do more than exist on a day to day basis. She and I are both crippled little creatures that have lived with my mom together or alone for the majority of our lives. Around the age of 21 I moved to Florida to gain residency for college. My mom had gone bankrupt for the second time, lost our home to the bank and my sister got out of a relationship that left her with PTSD and some severe panic attacks that continue to this day. So we all moved to Florida together. About 10 years ago we all lived in a decent rental house with a pool. It was a nice life. But I was 25 years old with a 7 year old daughter I was feeling stifled and longed to live on my own. After my sister gave birth to her daughter the house seemed even more crowded an I wanted to stretch my wings and make a home for my daughter and myself. This affected them because I paid a portion of the rent in a home they couldn't afford without me. My sister felt so angry and betrayed when I decided to buy a house. But the owners decided to take it off the market. I really liked that particular house and was disappointed enough to stop my search for a while. I told my mom and sister I could stay. I understand that the fact that I used the chance to do something for myself at the cost of other's convenience or happiness could be considered a jerk thing to do. Even though they had not made any decisions about where to live or when to move, my sister told me no, I could not stay, it was too late, I had made my decision. I hurt her feelings so she hurt me back. So I left and rented an apartment. I was happy. I found a partner and we lived for several years in our own place. My sister married an old sweetheart and moved back to our home state. About four years ago I came to a place in my life where my relationship was stale and a great burden was placed on my daughter. My mom lived by herself in a condo a few towns away (about 50 miles). We occasionally talked, but my mom and I have had a strange relationship and many personality and belief clashes so we could go months without talking. I still loved her very much, and she loved me. I was not particularly a good daughter to her. She started to fall, and once cracked her head on pavement hard enough to send her to the hospital and leave a nasty scar. I wasn't there for that... I am often unreachable because I enjoy solitude and dislike talking on the phone. I have guilt and regrets. So she was sick and I needed a place to go so we packed up and moved into mom's place. I didn't work, mom paid for us to live with her, and I was there to take her shopping or to the doctor or whatever else. I was grateful, but extremely depressed, off of about $700 worth of medicine I lost coverage for when my partner lost their job a year before (I had gone part time to home school my daughter and lost my job in budget cuts). My mental health issues were a large part of why I needed to leave and they tend to cause a burden for others as well as myself. But at least my mom loved me. It was not great. I could have been a better daughter. I could have been a better person. Mom wanted me to file for disability but I was afraid of being labeled. There is a strong stigma against people with mental health issues, and no one ever seems to get what an desolate existence a person can be stuck in for any unknown length of time. But I also lacked the strength to leave the house a find yet another low income clinic in which I had to talk to doctors that don't really care or think you're trying to scam drugs or maybe don't even believe in the conditions they are supposed to be treating. The three of us lived in a two bedroom condo and a year later my sister and niece came to join us after a nasty divorce. Having them there was awful. My sister and I are more different in our later years than ever before, and our mental issues caused us to clash in ways that exacerbate our seemingly disparate personalities. Our only children of a large age gap clashed, we clashed, mom declined, it was just awful. My sister used to keep herself fairly together. She always pays bills first, doesn't take drugs (that aren't prescribed), doesn't sleep around... She does drink wine, though, which in the past has never been a problem. That seems to have changed since her marriage and subsequent divorce. Which I understand. I am not a prude. I am just reclusive and do not necessarily want to share my faults, weaknesses, or short comings with other people, even if they are my family. I don't drink much, though, and when she would drink her company was nearly unbearable. I finally had to tell her not to talk to me if she was going to drink, that she had to stop because it was horrible and we all hated it. I don't like giving ultimatums because I wouldn't like having them put on me. It was extremely awkward for me. She also made "friends" around the condos. These were guys my age that played guitar and such or some other slightly interesting thing. At first I thought this was a good thing... I couldn't bear her burden of living because I couldn't even bear my own. I was relieved when she made friends. At first. She found a soul mate that wasn't meant for her this lifetime, as she put it. That's all well and good, but one night she brought him home to our condo. Now, before you think the wrong thing, let me tell you that he was ill, he had "fallen" down the stairs at the end of his building, although there were strong implications that he was pushed. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung and was in pain. OK. But picture this... We are five females living in a small two bedroom condo. Five. Females. Our ages are 68, 46, 34, 16, and 7. There is no peace here, people. No. Peace. But you get used to it, when you are all just trying to get by. You make a sort of peace. When I got up in my underwear to get a drink in the middle of the night (like 2 AM) and open the door to find him and her cuddling on the couch, I lost my mind. I mean, that condo was our sanctuary, such as it was, from the outside world. It was common for my daughter to get up in her underwear and get a drink or maybe even steal a little alone time in the living room. Not to mention that my niece is totally confused and worried about her mom's weird behavior lately. And here was a stranger sitting on our couch, no warning, no nothing. I handled it wrong. I lost my temper. I slammed cabinet doors and banged pans until my sister was furious and walked him home. She still hasn't forgiven me for that. I am not sure that I have forgiven her. She couldn't connect with me and found someone else and was seething inside over the treatment he received at my hands. I will admit, I don't entirely disagree with her. I wish I had simply let it be, at least until morning. I wish I had had the graciousness to let everyone rest. I wish I had had the forethought to maybe just set an alarm so I could rouse them early enough that none of the others would have even known they were there. But I didn't. I was so incensed that she would violate our safety zone, the one refuge left to us. It was like we didn't even exist to her. And yet she is baffled by how heartless and uncaring I "have become." There have been other incidences to distance us although I doubt she would remember them due to her drinking. And I simply will not bring a litany of offences to her door; if she doesn't remember them it will only hurt her, and we have had plenty of grief to go around... I would say the worst thing for me since my mom died, other than the fact that I feel much younger and more vulnerable now, is that we are now no longer on speaking terms. My mom had talked about helping me move out for a few months before she died, I moved, I think my sister resented me again. I think my mom was trying to save me because she knew how absolutely miserable I was. She told me once that if she'd had any idea what it was going to be like she would never have told them they could come. That is a strong sentiment to come from my mom because she always took us in when we needed it. Immediately after my mom's death, everything was dropped on me because my sister was so overcome with grief. She had already been named executor by mom years before, and I had no problem with that. I also didn't mind taking charge. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, and my mom wouldn't speak to us about her final expenses paperwork (to this day I don't know why... I think it was too sad for her, she started getting confused, but in the past it wasn't a problem) so nothing could be done right away, it was stressful, and horrible, but it gave me a kind of purpose. But I had a new apartment in another town, a new job that let me stay weeks away to help her clean out the condo, and eventually was going to need a breather and to head back to my own place. That first week, when my daughter and I came back to help, she turned on me out of nowhere. It had my daughter boiling mad and locked in a bedroom and my niece was crying and hiding under furniture. Here's what happened. My sister had moved on from a long conversation about mom to grieving for Unwanted Couch Guy. He was a musician and had moved on to some other place and wouldn't return her calls or messages... I was trying very hard to focus on stuff on the internet because I was grieving for mom and was sick of hearing about her stupid guy problems. I know, I know, it's not stupid to her. And it's not stupid to me either, actually, because I do love her and care about her feelings. But between the drinking and the THOUSANDS of times I had had the same conversation with her I was fed up. So I stared very hard at something that I will never remember just to keep from blowing up on her. I was trying to manage no more than a mask of indifference, that was as close to not exploding as I could get, but I must have been scowling because out of nowhere her head turned in a mechanical fashion to gaze at me and she said, "You hate me. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!" She then proceeded to scream and wail and I was completely at a loss. I have no idea why that happened. I had, up to that point, been trying to at least politely agree with her and comment here and there so as to hide my disappointment in the conversation. Even had she realized I was not paying attention, I would never have thought that the crazy ass screaming and crying would have been pointed at me. I couldn't do it. I got a few of my own screams in because I was caught off guard and felt I had to try and defend myself Then I just went to mom's room, picked up a couple of her favorite dolls, a random pajama piece or some dirty clothing that smelled like mom and told her I was going home. I no longer wanted to be around her. My daughter was so overwhelmed by my sister's behavior that she has finally refused to have anything to do with her, and at that time was too stressed to stay with me while we sorted mom's stuff so I left her alone for days at a time to deal with the condo (a rental, we had to get out of). I guess what it boils down to is my sister wanted me to stay with her and I wanted to go. I stayed several days, but the first time I left to come home for a break from grieving and cleaning I really felt the change. I went from initiating necessary procedures to suddenly being told on a side note that such and such was about to be done or had already been done. Just like that... It was very hurtful. But OK. Then while I am there we proceed to talk about the only property my mom had, an old Honda. Even though my mother had told my daughter she would leave her the car, that was a private conversation and I didn't want to say, Mom told her she could have the car. Also, my sister is 47 years old and is going to have give her car back to her ex husband in a year or so if she can't pay it off. She also does not work. I thought I was being gracious when against my daughter's wishes (she is sad about my mom but also is protective of the only thing left of Nan's that she felt she had control over) I told my sister if she wanted it she could have it since she would be out of a car. She said she didn't want it and that my daughter could have it. I was relieved because I knew my daughter didn't want to give up the only thing left of my mom's that she had specifically been told she could have. So situation resolved, right...? In the mean time, my sister is in a very awkward and uncomfortable living situation with my aunt who is mostly estranged to us. She gets her part of a very modest insurance settlement and asks me to go in on a place with her. I say no... I have an apartment, a job, and I am starting school again in the fall. And I can't live with her again. Ever. Still she rents a $1600 a month condo (yes with no income) which is OK I guess because the owners know it and she intends to rent out rooms anyway (fairly easy to do at her location). Worst of all, she needs me. This makes me feel awful. I can't stand her grief right now. I can't take it. I would rather die. She begs me to come out there and be with her but I am exhausted and off my meds and the fact that we are not living under bridge right now is a miracle, my dad is helping me with rent, I am working... I can't bear one more burden right now. It is so painful for me to know she is in pain. It really is. I would never be OK with her hurting or feeling lonely. I just can't do it. Then my sister starts telling me that she can't believe our mom left something to my brother's son and nothing to our daughters. I didn't bring up the car b/c my brother signed off on any claim to it and we were supposed to come pick it up from my aunt's house. Then she says, hey, we should sell the car and split the difference between our two daughters, wouldn't that be a sweet thing to do? She hadn't read the message I last sent where I finally told her how I overwhelmed I felt. I told her I can't be there for her the way she wants me to and I am sorry. I told her I am weak and just do not have the strength. I told her it is all I can do to exist. I told her I love you and I am sorry... I responded with a "no" about selling the car. My daughter still wanted the car so I said I would pay her for half of what it is worth. She never got back to me, but the last thing she had said was my aunt wanted it gone (still parked in their yard). So I try to text her but she decides I have cut her off and so she must do the same to me. I finally write my aunt (I didn't have her #) and tell her I am sorry the car has been there so long and I will pick it up soon. To which she replies, Robyn has the car. Well of course she does. But she isn't talking to me so how would I know. We almost started talking again but she began posting thinly veiled stuff on Facebook about how if you really love someone, you are in their life, "no excuses." I want to say, "If I am not in your house I am not in your life???!" I want to say, "Almost completely dysfunctional bipolar with no meds managing to work at least part time and pay for gas and groceries and planning on finishing a degree is an EXCUSE? Because I couldn't meet YOUR needs I am no longer a part of your family? I must not have lost my mom a few months ago. I guess only my sister lost a mother. My aunt attempted to contact me and say I need to be there for my sister. Further letting me know she is going off about it, further letting me know that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. Further letting me know that because it soothes me to grieve in silence I seem to be an aberration to my family. Further letting me know that all this time when she acted like she understood the symptoms of my illness she was lying... which I already knew because she kept calling me selfish and lazy (and repeated it to and included my daughter). I am no dream to live with. I know this. I'm stubborn. I'm grouchy when I'm tired. I'm sloppy and occasionally a slob. It's one of the many reasons I so enjoy being on my own. My daughter and I get along well despite the fact that she is a teenager. We like ourselves, we like each other. There is no walking on eggshells because I have to constantly worry if what I say or do (or don't do) is going to be considered selfish or lazy. There are no hurt feelings because I prefer the solitude of my room over the company of anyone else present. There are no feelings of constantly letting someone down because you keep failing to meet expectations that you didn't even know you were supposed to strive for. I don't have to listen to hours of pornographic details about hookups that I am only listening to to be polite. I don't have to watch the horrible spiraling out of control that I am helpless to stop because I sliding down my own spiral. I rent a crappy one bedroom one bath cottage. A glorious, run down, leaks when it rains, the-owner's-garbage-pile-brings-rats 400 sq ft cottage. I am not blind to its faults. I do not plan to be here forever. But for now, it's mine. It's peaceful here. (And the piles are being cleaned up). Why can't she understand that our differences and misunderstandings are part of what drives me away? Why is the way I grieve not even a factor to her whilst I sit and contemplate her needs for hours? Why would she want to live with me when we were so miserable at the condo? I'd rather be alone... I know she was unhappy, too... I guess what this post comes down to is when I try to look for information regarding how people don't understand when you don't reach out to them or when you need time alone or simply cannot bear another burden what I actually find are all the people who are on the opposite side... I see people saying things like, "they won't communicate with me, they won't support me, my world is falling apart and they are not there for me." I read comments such as, "there is no excuse for them to not be there for you, unforgivable, how could they?" I have found, to my dismay,that siblings falling out of favor with each other is common after the death of a parent. What I have not found is someone like me who says, "I cannot bear this load, it is too much for me." Or, "A significant amount of solitude is the only thing that helps me show up to work and support my child." I seem to be the "bad" sibling... and I only feel bad about it because it hurts my sister's feelings. I don't actually feel bad for being who I am. I am happier on my own. I am tired of people making me feel like this is unreasonable... I like being free to be my own person by working and going to school. I like myself. I am just sad that I haven't found anyone who understands, apart from my own daughter, and I am not certain that counts. *TLDR - My sister seems to think she is the only one grieving, has stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend the time with her that she desperately needed. I cannot cope with her neediness and prefer long periods of solitude. Has anyone else been the one who needed to withdraw just to manage an existence on this planet? Were you ostracized for it?
  14. I came to this forum because I need to talk about this with someone and the only person I can talk about to it is a person who is hurting a lot, and I don't want to hurt him by me talking about it. My mother in law was a very complicated person. I guess I should start to say, she shot herself this past Saturday. She had gone through an acrimonious divorce and was cut off from many people in her life due to the nature of some of her psychological and psychiatric problems. She had attempted suicide a few months ago, by overdose, and failed. My husband tried to get legal custody of her, guardianship, but she became extremely angry, gave her intention to fight it, and since we have no resources of our own, let it go. She was an alcoholic, bipolar, claimed (I don't believe in it) to have multiple personality disorder. She might have believed it herself, though, not consciously been lying. There were a lot of times we tried to extend help to her and got burned badly in return. My husband lost his job a couple of months ago, I am in poor health and we have two year old twins. My husband had set conditions/boundaries in his communications with his mother, for the first time, for the safety of our emotional selves and children (it was spilling onto our children from the way it affected us). And she would only accept help on her terms. I and many other people supported him in his decision to set boundaries. He always ended his communications with love, regardless of the content of what she sent him. It did get to (and found out this was so for other people who had been close to her as well) the point where reading her letters was so painful/hurtful that other people would read them and summarize them for us for content. I could talk all day, forever, about how her actions have hurt us in the past. About all the opportunities she had. About all the GOOD things about her. About the horrible things she has done. She's not my mother, so it's not hitting me the same way it is my husband, but he is badly badly affected. He and his aunt had both set boundaries/semi-severed ties unless she was willing to do certain things for her own health. It is hard not to feel guilty/responsible for her death, because she had no other long-time supporters left. I thought that I didn't feel anything about it, after first hearing, except fear for my husband. And I would feel horribly sad when I saw his sadness, and seeking everything I can to help him heal. But I have felt twinges of anger and guilt, once started crying talking about it, abruptly, before feeling numb again. Felt very depressed and sad out of nowhere earlier, unaccountably, while making a sandwich for my children. And at the moment filled with an intense, intense anger. Is this normal? I feel so guilty to be feeling this way. I feel like I need to explain myself, and why I feel the way I do, forever. I can't even consider certain parts of it. Most of my anger, nearly all of it, is for what it did to my husband. She didn't have to do it the way she did. She left suicide notes, which he can't bring himself to read, and though I don't think she thought she was, was manipulating to the end, with a final, vicious, self-destructive punctuation. I feel nervous, like my husband can read my mind and my anger, and jittery. I feel industrious, I don't want to stop being busy and doing things. Weirdest of all, I off and on suddenly feel angry at my husband (not letting any of this show) because he feels guilty, because he shouldn't feel guilty. We all supported his decision - he had moments of doubt, and I told him he was doing the right thing, I thought. If it was anyone's fault, it was my fault. He has wished in the past that she would successfully do it, that it would stop her hurting anymore, and now him thinking that is torturing him too. I know I can't control or judge what he may feel. I just feel... angry. Am sure I'll feel sad at some point. Know I will feel nothing again sometime soon. I feel like a terrible, terrible person. I don't exactly know why. Maybe I am a terrible person. I don't know. I never felt like I was in the past. I'm really a very shy, quiet, giving and polite person. We're going to attend a cremation in a couple of days. Leaving tomorrow. She lived a state away from us. I will do everything I can to help my husband heal, if it does or does not include burying my own feelings, I will do it, he is my main concern. But as for my own feelings - does anyone understand at all? Am I terrible? I have loved her in the past. But I'm not.. SAD. Like, how I should be, sad.
  15. This isn't the usual post because I didn't lose my siblings to a death, but because of a death. You see, I'm the youngest of five children - my parents divorced when I was young; my dad raised my brothers and my mother raised my sister and I. My brothers would visit often but wasn't in my life on a regular basis. I've lived in Ohio nearly all my 44 years of life. My mother has always been the most kind, caring and loving person you'd ever meet. Her life ended just three short weeks ago and I'm struggling with the lack of compassion my siblings have expressed. My mom had a stroke which left her paralyzed 20 years ago. The amount of care it took to keep her comfortable and safe was more than one person could handle. I'd ask my siblings to help, however that fell through. If we five could take turns caring for mom, she'd be comfortable and wouldn't need strangers pitching in. Well, after many attempts - many failed attempts, I took to a home health care company and set up daily visits to watch over mom while I was at work or dealing with my own family. I'd almost beg my siblings to help with mom. Sit with her, run to the store, laundry and or doctor visits - I'd be ignored or any excuse they'd come up with was given!! I finally gave up and took the role of her care giver on my own. I stood by her for the entire time. Not a day went by where we didn't talk or visit - I loved (and still do) this woman whole heartedly and unconditionally. Her physical condition might have changed but her being my mom didn't!!! June of 2014 the decision to move mom into a skilled nursing facility was made. This was the hardest decision of my life but her health was the main concern. I turned to my siblings again to help with moving her into the home as well as packing her house - no assistance (not like I'm surprised) - so my husband, my sons and myself moved my mom into the home and packed then moved her belongings to storage. I calculated her monthly bills and between us five, the total we'd pay would be $85 - only fair, right? Again, I'm let down by their lack of support. So for the entire time my mom was in the nursing home - I WAS ALONE in her care, her visits, laundry, etc. I visited her nearly every day and the smile on her face was enough to make any bad day disappear. She depended on me for her care and the day to day things a mother and daughter share. Three weeks ago today, I had to call hospice in for mother. Reaching out to my siblings to let them know mom's days were numbered - still no response. Yeah, my sister visited but it was a short 20 minute visit and was more focused on the new tattoo she got (yes, I asked her how much it cost because if she didn't have funds to help with moms bill, surely she didn't have money for a tattoo, right???) - sickening!! Mom died on March 10th - I was there with her and will forever remember how beautiful she looked. Her struggles were over - she was finally at peace My siblings have yet to show any signs of support - hell, they didn't even help with planning the funeral. And one brother wasn't even at the funeral! What's wrong with these people? Why am I struggling day to day with the loss of my mother and they seem to be 'okay' with her being gone? Do they truly NOT CARE? The one woman who is responsible for their being here is gone! Oh, they showed 'some' remorse towards her but it just seemed like another day to them. Heck, I was told by one brother that I should get over it and move one. So where am I going with this? When I walked away from mom's grave, I walked away from my siblings. Their lack of support through the years and the lack of love they showed towards mom is enough for me to distant myself from them. I've heard more excuses from them to last a lifetime. It is a shame to have such a big family yet I feel like an only child. I don't think I'll ever get over mom's death and I know I'll never find it in my heart to forgive them how they treated her. I know it's typical for one child to take on the care of an ill parent but this is extreme - two decades of ZERO help!!!
  16. My boyfriend dog past away and he is emotionally distress to the point he doesn't go to work and he does not answer my calls nor txt when I just want to help him. He just says he likes to deal with his personal problems on his own. Is this normal? Should I just leave him alone? It's scary?
  17. I will never be the same . . . as I was before. In some ways, I see life as a puzzle, every experience you have forms a piece of your unique puzzle. When combined, they form the entire picture of your life. My Dad took a piece of my puzzle with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without it, without him. When someone you love dies, that part of you dies as well. I will never be the same again. My view of the world also changed. Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death, now I can’t get death out of my head. I lost my parent, my only dad, I think a lot about death and dying. I still have plenty of questions, but nobody to answer them. And they certainly weren't fun questions. I learned the importance of telling people that you love them. Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel. Of all the things I regret, missing the chance to say “I love you” and “THANK YOU”. Because I never told him as I thought men don't share feeling and never say things like that. One of the hardest things about losing my dad is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing things differently things just seem black and White and there is no colour in anything, I have three lovely kids and a wife a big lovely home but everything seems empty and pointless every day. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were. I have realized that there is no promise of tomorrow. You are given such a small time, and you never know when your time will run out. The feeling of emptiness in my guts is getting bigger and bigger. My wife keeps on telling me to snap out of it you need to get over this, I really wish it was that bloody easy. I don't know what to do. I feel like the past months have been a mess of every emotion possible. I’m a great big ball of pain, and it seems as though grief is the one thing no one will talk about with me. For me my dad was the parent who showed up for me, who supported me, never looked down on me, always had hope for me, he was that one person I trusted, he made me feel like I can do anything. He was my like my back bone I could never fall because he was there. I never really got along with my mother I don't know why to be honest so my mother never really talked about my feeling only concerned about herself and what she is going through and most importantly my younger brother and how is he dealing with the grief, my mother always rings and cries to me saying she worried about my brother he was really close to your dad. Looking at it now it seems like he could not do anything wrong and I can’t do anything right. Rather than my mother worrying about me she consistently blames me for my dad's death as my mother says to me I cause to much stress for him because I moved overseas and also I drink alcohol (we come from a non-drinking family) and you always needed money and even said “I only loved my dad for his money”. What she doesn’t know is how much stress she caused him and when we were cleaning his stuff out of my mums house I found a 10 page letter hand written by dad explaining what my mother did to him and how she upset him and ill-treated his parents and always talk down to him and it even said in the letter how my mother wasted so much money on gambling and also explaining details of a possible affair she might have had. I advise my brother I found this and he told me to rip it up and throw it away and no one can ever see this. So I kept it and have decided not share this with anyone including my mother because I don’t want her to be upset. My mother even told me lies about what my dad said about me. My mother for about 2 weeks called me an alcoholic and a drug addict and told me she shamed to be related to me, I got so pissed off I took a drug test and sent her the results and she wasn’t even sorry. I think the worst thing was when she told me about the time she got hurt when she was pregnant with me and the comment she made was "You should have died" said she regrets having me as a son. Reading this you would think that this women is not educated or drug addict even possibly mental insane, but guess what she is a doctor and holds a PhD. So on top of losing a parent that loved me I get the parent that hates me and makes me feel like a failure and always thinks I can’t financially support myself and my family because Dad use to help a lot with money because he told me he knows how hard it is having mortgage and 3 kids and if he can help take some of the stress away by giving me money to pay bills why wouldn’t he. The biggest thing also knew he was always there through bad times and good times. Now I have no one, and have to live in shame from my own family. Am I meant to toughen up and get over it, how I get over this feeling. The grief is consuming me for last few weeks and I hide everything inside me. Yes, I AM SAD. I lost my only loving Father & I have these great memories that I can't even share out loud! My life has spiralled downward since my Dad passed away due to my own doing, I felt like being close to my mother and brother so I flew back home about 5 or 6 times over a 5 month period and in result of doing that I left my business with 2 staff members who screwed it up and I had to close the business down. Couple of weeks before my dad died we found out that my wife had cancer. I cannot see the light anymore, I feel sad all the time, I can’t sleep, I don’t eat and have lost 11 kegs. I am getting withdrawn from my kids. I have been unemployed for 3 days now still here and think what the F*** to do now. I am running out of money, I have to pay the mortgage and I cant get my head out of this ****.
  18. My employee's wife is losing her battle with breast cancer. It has metastisized to her bones, spine, brain, etc... They are about to begin brain radiation. I think it's safe to assume they are nearing the end of the fight. I am just looking for suggestions on ways I can support him. How can I help him through this? What do I say to him? He and his wife are young - both under 50. They have 3 kids, the youngest of whom is only 7. I want so much to be a good boss and a good friend and support sytem, but I've never been through cancer support before. Any ideas or suggestions you have are sincerely appreciated. Sara
  19. I am new tonight. I am not here because I do not have people to talk to, it is just that sometimes it is easier to say things to strangers. My husband died June 1st of this year. He died sleeping on the sofa while I stayed in the bedroom so I did not disturb him. Let me provide a brief background. He was injured on the job 5 years ago. Just a slight injury which due to the negligence of a workers comp doctor resulted in his losing the use of his hand. 14 surgeries later and in constant pain due to RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy), addiction to pain pills, he was finally getting some relief from low dose methadone therapy which sadly is what he died of. In the morning, I heard him breathing very loud just as his best friend came to see him. I shook him for about 3 minutes trying to wake him up. He did wake up and I was yelling at him, what did you take? I am calling 911. He said I am fine, don't call them I am just trying to wake up. 2 1/2 hours later he was dead. I have so much guilt that had I called 911 he may have been ok. His friend who is a nurse said that he thought at that time his heart was so bad that he would not have been saved. Looking back, he had the signs of a heart attack the day before , an odd feeling in his left arm, which was not unusual as he had a spinal stimulator sending constant electric shock down his arm. He was taking Tums and he was gray and waxy looking which he thought he was getting my cold. The grief is unbearable but the guilt is worse. He was only 48 years old. In the week after he died, we had our anniversary and his birthday. It just seems like every day there is something that he is missing and I, I am missing him.
  20. Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later. At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did. When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her. My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time. I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died. Ann 'Noreen' Johnson 1957-2014 RIP mum
  21. I just lost my daddy very unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He went in for what was supposed to be an easy, routine surgery and he didn't make it. The operation was supposed to only be for one leg because of his age and overall health. But the doctor changed his mind and decided to do both legs at the same time. They kept him under for 4 hours and then the ending gets cloudy. The doctors came and told us he didn't make it but coming up with why was where it got clouded. The best answer they could come up with was that he had a heart attack at the very end they "think." They "think" were the doctors direct words. And they proceeded to tell us that's what they think happen. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is my dad on the hospital bed. He looked like he was in so much pain. I can still remember the way his cold hand felt. If I don't get that vision I see him in his casket. I see our final goodbye... Having to leave him there. I just want this to be a bad dream and I want to wake up. I feel so angry... Angry at the hospital... Angry at the doctors for taking away my daddy. I don't know how to life without him. I still call his phone, expecting him to answer. I've never felt real pain until I lost my dad. I'm so lost without him. I can't figure out how to move on with my life no that he's not there. He was supposed to walk me down the isle, see his grandchildren from me... All of that was ripped away from me :'(
  22. I knew him 25 years. We had only reconnected in February. He left his home and everything to be with me and my teen daughter. Along the path, I knew he was struggling with oxycodone addiction. I knew there were some suicide threats throughout his life and even during this past year while we were together. I took him in because he had a beautiful heart and deserved a good life and I thought I could help. I tried. I held him. I loved him. I encouraged him. I supported him in every way I could. I got mad at him and lectured him and told him no matter how I was behaving that I always loved him. In November, I gave him an ultimatum ... me or the drugs and if you choose me, you need an in-house rehab. I'm a single mom and my daughter and I cannot live with an acitive, drug-hazed addict. So, unemployed, he paid $9000 from his $13,000/$14,000 of savings and went to a 30-day in-house program. I visited on Sundays and it was wonderful to have him sober. He came out right before Christmas and within 24 hours he was using, within 48 hours he had ramped up to full, non-stop drug haze. So, I told him I was through. I stayed close through Christmas, even took him to my family Christmas, while he was high. The day after Christmas, I started pushing him. By the 30th, I packed him up, shoved him in his car and told him to go away. I told him I was angry because I loved him. I told him to call me once he was one year sober and we could start over, rebuild trust and faith and start again. I was strict, pushy, unforgiving, and demanding at a time when he was very weak, depressed, and at a time of year that is difficult for so many. When he found he had no place to go, I was soft and I let him back into our home. I sat and talked with him, but I was angry and while I continued to express love, I was also lecturing and expressing hurt and anger and when I left that night I wouldn't hug him. I told him I'd hug him when I said goodbye on Wednesday, when he left to his own place, wherever he was going to go. He didn't make it to the next night. He was broke. He had no place to go. He felt like a failure. He felt rejected. His addiction habit was bad and he was given a 30 day supply of methadone and cyclobenzaprine and it appears, in his depression, he took a little at a time all night until he took it all and that was it. I'd seen him do it before with oxycodone -- 24 in one day. I can so easily imagine it in my minds eye. And while he suffered and escaped his pain, I offered silence and patience and showed up Thursday morning to see if he had left. Instead, I found his body ... his spirit long gone. If I had just given him a little more time, maybe he would have found a job, maybe the job would have been a buoy and maybe he would have felt better about himself and stopped his 2.5 years of using and started enjoying our life together. If his doctor had only taken me seriously when I left a message that he'd taken 24 oxy in one day and 18 the next, maybe he wouldn't have given him a full 30-day supply of methadone. If his father had offered to pay for an additional 30-60 days of the in-house program he was in, during November... If his sister hadn't enabled him by sharing her oxy, instead of pushing him into a program somewhere during the 2.5 years of his habit... If his ex-wife had pushed him to stop instead of letting him be a drug-hazed couch potato... If only ... I feel guilty, angry, sad, confused, lonely, hopeless, frustrated ....
  23. My mother killed herself 6 months ago. she was unhappy for quite some time and used to take a lot of prescription medication which i'm sure made her problems worse. I often called her therapist to explain why she needed them and to see if it would be better she tried something else cause i believe medication doesn't solve problems it just suppresses them but he was adamant she needed them, said she had a chemical imbalance which medication was needed for... Anyway she suffered from paranoia, depression, she would spend days in her room sometimes and cry at nothing. I tried to help her. I begged her to see a different therapist I found who was meant to be really good, I tried talking myself to her and trying to make her realise how much she had to live for. Sometimes I really thought I was getting through to her because she would suddenly understand what i'm saying and cry and apologise for neglecting us (my father, 10 year old brother and myself) and then for a while she would be ok, more normal. But she always fell back into her depression. I felt so helpless. She became a little reclusive and would lock the door on us and not open no matter how hard we banged. My dad once broke the door down and she was just sitting and putting her make up on. She killed herself on April 22nd after a period of us thinking she was in a good place. She took all her pills, so many and died in her sleep of an overdose. My dad found her, he didn't want us to see but my brother did. I didn't really react. Everyone was in a panic calling the ambulance and I just sat there. I didn't go see her. I think I was in shock I dunno. They took her body away and my father went with them. I stayed with my little brother who cried and cried. It broke my heart to see him so upset but I couldn't cry. I felt like I should but I just couldn't. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare and was waiting to wake up. At the funeral I felt the same until they lifted the coffin before they lowered her in the ground. I couldn't look but had too. I didn't see my mother there. Just a body. But not my mum. Its been 6 months now and my dad is a mess. My little brother is young and although is very sad will get past it eventually. After I passed the shock all I felt was an intense anger. Im so angry she left us. I'm so angry she left little Tommy who needs caring after, he's 10... I'm angry because my dad is a broken man, once so strong. She gave up on us and didn't fight for her family. Thats how I feel and i'm ashamed to feel that way but I can't help it. I feel it was a cop out. An easy way out. The way of the weak who would rather give up than fight. I cant help feeling so angry. I feel betrayed. Only writing this is the first time I feel so so sad. Since it's happened all i've felt is anger and sorrow for my dad and a need to be strong to now protect him and my little brother but I don't think I can be strong anymore. I'm slowly falling apart. I take drugs which keep me numb and have started doing things i regret, letting myself get out of control, partying, drinking, taking things to the extreme. I feel angry at myself for doing it and I know it sounds crazy but i feel its the only thing which keeps me strong for my family and i have a need to take care of them now. But I am suffering and on a very self-destructive path which i dont know how much longer i can keep up. i know i need help but I cannot tell my dad. He would be overcome with worry that im following in her footsteps. And although I think suicide is the biggest betrayal maybe im a hypocrite because maybe deep down thats what i want for myself. Sometimes its all too tough. Putting on 'the face' and 'the act' around people is exhausting me. I dont know what to do and how to cope. Everything is falling apart. its 2am sunday night and im totally high, coked up by myself, thats probably the only reason im opening up. i had it in my flat from the weekend and couldnt resist even though i told myself no. I have responsibilities tomorrow and cannot fall apart now. my dad needs me and most importantly tommy, who i love more than anything. please someone give me advice. i need to find a way to cope with this because im heading down a very self destructive path and i cant cause my family further grief but im suffering too which i think they forget cause im the strong one, the one they turn too. i need help. i really hope someone sees this and understands cause i cant talk to anyone else about it. if you read that all i thank you and in advance thank you if you respond.
  24. My dad passed away very unexpectedly in March of 2013 followed shortly by his sister (about 2 weeks) who was fighting lung cancer. I live out of state but my sister lives pretty much next door to my mom. Since my Dad and Aunt both passed away, my Mom and Uncle got close. They took a vacation together a few weeks ago and ended up falling in love with each other. I am stoked, thrilled, elated or whatever you want to call it. I want my Mom to be happy and i don't want her to be alone. My Uncle is very financially stable and can take care of my Mom if she needs him to. It took a huge weight off of my shoulders just knowing that I didn't have to worry about my Mom being alone. My sister, on the other hand, is absolutely CRUSHED. She can't stand it, can't handle it, it makes her sick to her stomach to even think about it. (a brief history of the sister: she has been struggling with deep depression and most likely some sort of anxiety disorder since her separation from her husband, my Dad was always the one that would talk to her when she was struggling really bad.) While I understand that mental disorders are extremely difficult to overcome, I have tried and tried to suggest that my sister seek some sort of professional help. She won't for whatever reason she comes up with at the time. It has pushed me to think that I myself need to seek counseling just to deal with her mental illness that she won't take responsibility for. I feel like telling her she's selfish beyond reason and to quit having a pity-party over something she can't control. I don't know what to do, my mom and I are best friends and her relationship with my sister is strained, i want to help, but this stuff is eating away at me. Does anyone have any insight as to how I should handle my sister?
  25. My fiance Gordon took his life June 10th of this year. And since that day I hardly feel anything except rage. I usually only cry because I'm so angry that he did this. It feels spiteful and revengeful. I hate him for what he did, but I love him so much. I just want to hold him. A few days ago I cried. I just cried. I wasn't angry, or hurt, just sad. This has never happened before. It has taken 6 months for me to feel simply sad about his death. I cried with my dad for nearly 4 hours. I also had a feeling of desperation. I tried to contact all the people I am close to and talk to them. It makes me feel selfish to do this, so I usually keep my pain to myself. But I needed comfort. I got a lot of help that day. It is wonderful to know that when I feel my most weak there was someone there for me. I even have a new friend, she's new to the site. I am hoping the angry will be less now and I can function better. I just want to get through my days without feeling lost and alone. I want to feel loved, and I want to be free to love. I was afraid to cry before because I didn't want people to think I was broken or weak. But now I don't care. I'll cry when I want.