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About Me

Found 8 results

  1. I feel like my world is crashing all around me, and it feels as if I'm the only one standing by my side. I don't want to give up but the feeling of being alone is killing me.
  2. I still don't know how Todd died. I found him on the floor of our new home. He was the bravest, most gorgeous, strongest person I have ever known. He was a REAL person... a person that understands you when you speak, that knows what to do in hard situations... Someone that is just Real. And it doesn't exist outside of him. I'm so sorry I couldn't get you to the hospital sooner. I wish it was me. You're too young. You were a young soul. I love you. I fell asleep in your arms and you still held onto me while I faced you, cuddled into you and I know you were watching Modern Family over my shoulder. I can't make anything work. I just keep bumping into things. I don't even know where you are! Kristina Montesi2
  3. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  4. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm spent. Can I put another "I" in here? Selfish. My family calls me selfish. My mother who passed in April called me selfish most of my life. My sister calls my teenage daughter and I "selfish bitches." But she probably doesn't think that bothers us, so to be fair, it must look different from her perspective. Fair? I guess I am trying to say I realize there is more than one way to perceive a story. My sister and I are 12 years apart. She is 47 and I am 35. She helped take care of me when I was little. Then she moved out and started her life apart from me. I should mention that we have different dads; I am my father's only child, my sister's father passed away many years ago from cancer. He was an absentee parent. (I also have a 48 yo half brother, my sister's Irish twin, who disowned the three of us,my mom and sister and me, about 15 years ago, has an extreme Narcissistic personality, and has toyed with my mom's emotions and tortured her throughout the years; we don't speak at all). It has never made any difference to us about fathers, I point it out because I think it has bearing on our very different personalities. My sister has had much misfortune in her life, a lot of it was not of her doing. She, like myself, has very strong opinions about who she is, how the world should be, and how these ideals should affect the way she judges right from wrong. I have always considered her to be a good person and I love her and my 8 yo niece. I have mental health issues. Actually, we both do; different types, but the kind that are still imposing great difficulty on daily living. I mean, we both find it very difficult to do more than exist on a day to day basis. She and I are both crippled little creatures that have lived with my mom together or alone for the majority of our lives. Around the age of 21 I moved to Florida to gain residency for college. My mom had gone bankrupt for the second time, lost our home to the bank and my sister got out of a relationship that left her with PTSD and some severe panic attacks that continue to this day. So we all moved to Florida together. About 10 years ago we all lived in a decent rental house with a pool. It was a nice life. But I was 25 years old with a 7 year old daughter I was feeling stifled and longed to live on my own. After my sister gave birth to her daughter the house seemed even more crowded an I wanted to stretch my wings and make a home for my daughter and myself. This affected them because I paid a portion of the rent in a home they couldn't afford without me. My sister felt so angry and betrayed when I decided to buy a house. But the owners decided to take it off the market. I really liked that particular house and was disappointed enough to stop my search for a while. I told my mom and sister I could stay. I understand that the fact that I used the chance to do something for myself at the cost of other's convenience or happiness could be considered a jerk thing to do. Even though they had not made any decisions about where to live or when to move, my sister told me no, I could not stay, it was too late, I had made my decision. I hurt her feelings so she hurt me back. So I left and rented an apartment. I was happy. I found a partner and we lived for several years in our own place. My sister married an old sweetheart and moved back to our home state. About four years ago I came to a place in my life where my relationship was stale and a great burden was placed on my daughter. My mom lived by herself in a condo a few towns away (about 50 miles). We occasionally talked, but my mom and I have had a strange relationship and many personality and belief clashes so we could go months without talking. I still loved her very much, and she loved me. I was not particularly a good daughter to her. She started to fall, and once cracked her head on pavement hard enough to send her to the hospital and leave a nasty scar. I wasn't there for that... I am often unreachable because I enjoy solitude and dislike talking on the phone. I have guilt and regrets. So she was sick and I needed a place to go so we packed up and moved into mom's place. I didn't work, mom paid for us to live with her, and I was there to take her shopping or to the doctor or whatever else. I was grateful, but extremely depressed, off of about $700 worth of medicine I lost coverage for when my partner lost their job a year before (I had gone part time to home school my daughter and lost my job in budget cuts). My mental health issues were a large part of why I needed to leave and they tend to cause a burden for others as well as myself. But at least my mom loved me. It was not great. I could have been a better daughter. I could have been a better person. Mom wanted me to file for disability but I was afraid of being labeled. There is a strong stigma against people with mental health issues, and no one ever seems to get what an desolate existence a person can be stuck in for any unknown length of time. But I also lacked the strength to leave the house a find yet another low income clinic in which I had to talk to doctors that don't really care or think you're trying to scam drugs or maybe don't even believe in the conditions they are supposed to be treating. The three of us lived in a two bedroom condo and a year later my sister and niece came to join us after a nasty divorce. Having them there was awful. My sister and I are more different in our later years than ever before, and our mental issues caused us to clash in ways that exacerbate our seemingly disparate personalities. Our only children of a large age gap clashed, we clashed, mom declined, it was just awful. My sister used to keep herself fairly together. She always pays bills first, doesn't take drugs (that aren't prescribed), doesn't sleep around... She does drink wine, though, which in the past has never been a problem. That seems to have changed since her marriage and subsequent divorce. Which I understand. I am not a prude. I am just reclusive and do not necessarily want to share my faults, weaknesses, or short comings with other people, even if they are my family. I don't drink much, though, and when she would drink her company was nearly unbearable. I finally had to tell her not to talk to me if she was going to drink, that she had to stop because it was horrible and we all hated it. I don't like giving ultimatums because I wouldn't like having them put on me. It was extremely awkward for me. She also made "friends" around the condos. These were guys my age that played guitar and such or some other slightly interesting thing. At first I thought this was a good thing... I couldn't bear her burden of living because I couldn't even bear my own. I was relieved when she made friends. At first. She found a soul mate that wasn't meant for her this lifetime, as she put it. That's all well and good, but one night she brought him home to our condo. Now, before you think the wrong thing, let me tell you that he was ill, he had "fallen" down the stairs at the end of his building, although there were strong implications that he was pushed. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung and was in pain. OK. But picture this... We are five females living in a small two bedroom condo. Five. Females. Our ages are 68, 46, 34, 16, and 7. There is no peace here, people. No. Peace. But you get used to it, when you are all just trying to get by. You make a sort of peace. When I got up in my underwear to get a drink in the middle of the night (like 2 AM) and open the door to find him and her cuddling on the couch, I lost my mind. I mean, that condo was our sanctuary, such as it was, from the outside world. It was common for my daughter to get up in her underwear and get a drink or maybe even steal a little alone time in the living room. Not to mention that my niece is totally confused and worried about her mom's weird behavior lately. And here was a stranger sitting on our couch, no warning, no nothing. I handled it wrong. I lost my temper. I slammed cabinet doors and banged pans until my sister was furious and walked him home. She still hasn't forgiven me for that. I am not sure that I have forgiven her. She couldn't connect with me and found someone else and was seething inside over the treatment he received at my hands. I will admit, I don't entirely disagree with her. I wish I had simply let it be, at least until morning. I wish I had had the graciousness to let everyone rest. I wish I had had the forethought to maybe just set an alarm so I could rouse them early enough that none of the others would have even known they were there. But I didn't. I was so incensed that she would violate our safety zone, the one refuge left to us. It was like we didn't even exist to her. And yet she is baffled by how heartless and uncaring I "have become." There have been other incidences to distance us although I doubt she would remember them due to her drinking. And I simply will not bring a litany of offences to her door; if she doesn't remember them it will only hurt her, and we have had plenty of grief to go around... I would say the worst thing for me since my mom died, other than the fact that I feel much younger and more vulnerable now, is that we are now no longer on speaking terms. My mom had talked about helping me move out for a few months before she died, I moved, I think my sister resented me again. I think my mom was trying to save me because she knew how absolutely miserable I was. She told me once that if she'd had any idea what it was going to be like she would never have told them they could come. That is a strong sentiment to come from my mom because she always took us in when we needed it. Immediately after my mom's death, everything was dropped on me because my sister was so overcome with grief. She had already been named executor by mom years before, and I had no problem with that. I also didn't mind taking charge. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, and my mom wouldn't speak to us about her final expenses paperwork (to this day I don't know why... I think it was too sad for her, she started getting confused, but in the past it wasn't a problem) so nothing could be done right away, it was stressful, and horrible, but it gave me a kind of purpose. But I had a new apartment in another town, a new job that let me stay weeks away to help her clean out the condo, and eventually was going to need a breather and to head back to my own place. That first week, when my daughter and I came back to help, she turned on me out of nowhere. It had my daughter boiling mad and locked in a bedroom and my niece was crying and hiding under furniture. Here's what happened. My sister had moved on from a long conversation about mom to grieving for Unwanted Couch Guy. He was a musician and had moved on to some other place and wouldn't return her calls or messages... I was trying very hard to focus on stuff on the internet because I was grieving for mom and was sick of hearing about her stupid guy problems. I know, I know, it's not stupid to her. And it's not stupid to me either, actually, because I do love her and care about her feelings. But between the drinking and the THOUSANDS of times I had had the same conversation with her I was fed up. So I stared very hard at something that I will never remember just to keep from blowing up on her. I was trying to manage no more than a mask of indifference, that was as close to not exploding as I could get, but I must have been scowling because out of nowhere her head turned in a mechanical fashion to gaze at me and she said, "You hate me. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!" She then proceeded to scream and wail and I was completely at a loss. I have no idea why that happened. I had, up to that point, been trying to at least politely agree with her and comment here and there so as to hide my disappointment in the conversation. Even had she realized I was not paying attention, I would never have thought that the crazy ass screaming and crying would have been pointed at me. I couldn't do it. I got a few of my own screams in because I was caught off guard and felt I had to try and defend myself Then I just went to mom's room, picked up a couple of her favorite dolls, a random pajama piece or some dirty clothing that smelled like mom and told her I was going home. I no longer wanted to be around her. My daughter was so overwhelmed by my sister's behavior that she has finally refused to have anything to do with her, and at that time was too stressed to stay with me while we sorted mom's stuff so I left her alone for days at a time to deal with the condo (a rental, we had to get out of). I guess what it boils down to is my sister wanted me to stay with her and I wanted to go. I stayed several days, but the first time I left to come home for a break from grieving and cleaning I really felt the change. I went from initiating necessary procedures to suddenly being told on a side note that such and such was about to be done or had already been done. Just like that... It was very hurtful. But OK. Then while I am there we proceed to talk about the only property my mom had, an old Honda. Even though my mother had told my daughter she would leave her the car, that was a private conversation and I didn't want to say, Mom told her she could have the car. Also, my sister is 47 years old and is going to have give her car back to her ex husband in a year or so if she can't pay it off. She also does not work. I thought I was being gracious when against my daughter's wishes (she is sad about my mom but also is protective of the only thing left of Nan's that she felt she had control over) I told my sister if she wanted it she could have it since she would be out of a car. She said she didn't want it and that my daughter could have it. I was relieved because I knew my daughter didn't want to give up the only thing left of my mom's that she had specifically been told she could have. So situation resolved, right...? In the mean time, my sister is in a very awkward and uncomfortable living situation with my aunt who is mostly estranged to us. She gets her part of a very modest insurance settlement and asks me to go in on a place with her. I say no... I have an apartment, a job, and I am starting school again in the fall. And I can't live with her again. Ever. Still she rents a $1600 a month condo (yes with no income) which is OK I guess because the owners know it and she intends to rent out rooms anyway (fairly easy to do at her location). Worst of all, she needs me. This makes me feel awful. I can't stand her grief right now. I can't take it. I would rather die. She begs me to come out there and be with her but I am exhausted and off my meds and the fact that we are not living under bridge right now is a miracle, my dad is helping me with rent, I am working... I can't bear one more burden right now. It is so painful for me to know she is in pain. It really is. I would never be OK with her hurting or feeling lonely. I just can't do it. Then my sister starts telling me that she can't believe our mom left something to my brother's son and nothing to our daughters. I didn't bring up the car b/c my brother signed off on any claim to it and we were supposed to come pick it up from my aunt's house. Then she says, hey, we should sell the car and split the difference between our two daughters, wouldn't that be a sweet thing to do? She hadn't read the message I last sent where I finally told her how I overwhelmed I felt. I told her I can't be there for her the way she wants me to and I am sorry. I told her I am weak and just do not have the strength. I told her it is all I can do to exist. I told her I love you and I am sorry... I responded with a "no" about selling the car. My daughter still wanted the car so I said I would pay her for half of what it is worth. She never got back to me, but the last thing she had said was my aunt wanted it gone (still parked in their yard). So I try to text her but she decides I have cut her off and so she must do the same to me. I finally write my aunt (I didn't have her #) and tell her I am sorry the car has been there so long and I will pick it up soon. To which she replies, Robyn has the car. Well of course she does. But she isn't talking to me so how would I know. We almost started talking again but she began posting thinly veiled stuff on Facebook about how if you really love someone, you are in their life, "no excuses." I want to say, "If I am not in your house I am not in your life???!" I want to say, "Almost completely dysfunctional bipolar with no meds managing to work at least part time and pay for gas and groceries and planning on finishing a degree is an EXCUSE? Because I couldn't meet YOUR needs I am no longer a part of your family? I must not have lost my mom a few months ago. I guess only my sister lost a mother. My aunt attempted to contact me and say I need to be there for my sister. Further letting me know she is going off about it, further letting me know that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. Further letting me know that because it soothes me to grieve in silence I seem to be an aberration to my family. Further letting me know that all this time when she acted like she understood the symptoms of my illness she was lying... which I already knew because she kept calling me selfish and lazy (and repeated it to and included my daughter). I am no dream to live with. I know this. I'm stubborn. I'm grouchy when I'm tired. I'm sloppy and occasionally a slob. It's one of the many reasons I so enjoy being on my own. My daughter and I get along well despite the fact that she is a teenager. We like ourselves, we like each other. There is no walking on eggshells because I have to constantly worry if what I say or do (or don't do) is going to be considered selfish or lazy. There are no hurt feelings because I prefer the solitude of my room over the company of anyone else present. There are no feelings of constantly letting someone down because you keep failing to meet expectations that you didn't even know you were supposed to strive for. I don't have to listen to hours of pornographic details about hookups that I am only listening to to be polite. I don't have to watch the horrible spiraling out of control that I am helpless to stop because I sliding down my own spiral. I rent a crappy one bedroom one bath cottage. A glorious, run down, leaks when it rains, the-owner's-garbage-pile-brings-rats 400 sq ft cottage. I am not blind to its faults. I do not plan to be here forever. But for now, it's mine. It's peaceful here. (And the piles are being cleaned up). Why can't she understand that our differences and misunderstandings are part of what drives me away? Why is the way I grieve not even a factor to her whilst I sit and contemplate her needs for hours? Why would she want to live with me when we were so miserable at the condo? I'd rather be alone... I know she was unhappy, too... I guess what this post comes down to is when I try to look for information regarding how people don't understand when you don't reach out to them or when you need time alone or simply cannot bear another burden what I actually find are all the people who are on the opposite side... I see people saying things like, "they won't communicate with me, they won't support me, my world is falling apart and they are not there for me." I read comments such as, "there is no excuse for them to not be there for you, unforgivable, how could they?" I have found, to my dismay,that siblings falling out of favor with each other is common after the death of a parent. What I have not found is someone like me who says, "I cannot bear this load, it is too much for me." Or, "A significant amount of solitude is the only thing that helps me show up to work and support my child." I seem to be the "bad" sibling... and I only feel bad about it because it hurts my sister's feelings. I don't actually feel bad for being who I am. I am happier on my own. I am tired of people making me feel like this is unreasonable... I like being free to be my own person by working and going to school. I like myself. I am just sad that I haven't found anyone who understands, apart from my own daughter, and I am not certain that counts. *TLDR - My sister seems to think she is the only one grieving, has stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend the time with her that she desperately needed. I cannot cope with her neediness and prefer long periods of solitude. Has anyone else been the one who needed to withdraw just to manage an existence on this planet? Were you ostracized for it?
  5. I just lost my mom on the 10th of March and I'm finding myself getting deeper and deeper into a state of depression. I've been my moms primary source of care since her stroke (20 yrs ago) and we've been inseparable since. I literally either spoke to her or saw her DAILY! I'm 44 years old, yet I feel like curling up in some corner and crying. I know it's still new to me so the adjustment is going to take some time but this empty feeling has overcome my daily living. I'm trying to function as I did before her passing but I can't seem to find my way. I don't want to let go - I don't want to accept the event because I'm afraid I will forget her and everything she meant to me. I feel alone because all my friends still have their mother.
  6. The thought of 2014 being only a couple of hours away makes me uneasy. I lost my boyfriend on the 24th of November to cancer and I’m honestly surprised at how time has passed since it has been more than a month now since he passed away. If anything, I want this year to start over, so I could have done and said things differently. I don’t want to welcome 2014, because it’ll be a year without him. We spent welcoming 2013 together and now I have to face the new year on my own... My plan is to sleep through it and hopefully wake up the following day feeling refreshed and not too depressed. Since his passing, I believe that he has given me the strength to overcome whatever daily trials have come my way and I'm hoping the same happens for tonight, tomorrow and the rest of the upcoming year. --- What are your plans for this coming New Years Eve?
  7. Hi all I lost my mother back in June of 2012... My father passed away back in 1995... One week after my 13th birthday. My son was only 3 months old and I was 10 weeks preg when my mum lost her fight with Cancer... I have found it difficult now for she's not ere to see her grand kids grow... Say that first word, take that first step... Celebrate their birthdays.. I'm alone doing it only with my husband but sense my mothers passing we have become distant.... So I'm grieving in the shower for both my parents... I'm not happy... Don't take joy in nothing.... Counclling in out of the question... It don't work for me... Don't have anyone to help.... I miss my parents
  8. I have flown several states away from where I live now to see my dad. He is eating very little, still drinking fluids, but that comes and goes as well. He has lived a long life, but I don't think he was ready for his body to give out on him. He has been in a nursing home for a while and a relative, that lives close to where he is, took care of him until she could no longer do it anymore. It was tough to see him end up in a nursing home, but he needs 24 hour care and lots of people to help him. Now, I do not think he has long to live. He suffers from severe gangrene on his feet due to vascular issues and he also has alzheimer's disease. He recognizes me, but sometimes has days when he is really out of it. He sleeps a lot and is on pain meds around the clock. I have been visiting him everyday, holding his hand when he is in pain, trying to talk to him even though he only answers questions and almost always with one word answers. He is so weak and it's so hard to see him this way, but I want to be there for him. I want to stay until he decides to leave this world. But I feel so powerless. I try to give him healthy juices to drink and anything full of vitamins so he gets enough nutrients to at least have some energy. I've shown him pictures. I'm doing anything I can think of to give him comfort. I'm scared that I might lose my job. I have been up here a few times now and spent a long time away from it - even using up sick time in the past. I'm scared that I might decide to go back home for a while and that's when he'll die. I'm scared that he will leave this world without anyone by his side to send him off and tell him that he is loved. I went through that with my mother. She ended up in a nursing home, but it was only supposed to be for a little while. I thought she was going to be OK, even when she started to have swelling from excess fluid. In fact on the day she passed away, my aunt had called and the home said that she was doing better. She wanted me to visit her for father's day. I hadn't called her in weeks, but was planning to visit a few weeks later for the 4th of July. She loved that holiday, but she didn't make it to the 4th of July and I never got the chance to tell her about my plans. She had a heart attack. From someone that has been around many people that are dying, that's what I am told will most likely happen to my dad. His heart will probably just give out and it will be unexpected. I know my mom would have wanted him to be here for my dad. However, I have such a mixture of feelings - somewhat conflicting - about my dad. I want to stick around and comfort him. I want him to pass away soon so he no longer has to be in pain. I want to help him feel better and be healthier. He was an alternative health practitioner, so sometimes I think he would have wanted me to try any natural solution possible. Then, sometimes I think he is just tired of the pain and would prefer that I let his body simply die. He is so miserable. Then, it all just seems so overwhelming and I want to just get away from it and not face it. I am dealing with this largely by myself. My aunt is here, but she is going through different emotions than I think a daughter would. Other family members do not want to be here. They cannot bear to deal with it directly - only through phone calls. I often feel so alone. I need to hear from other people that have gone through this and have them help me figure out ways to cope and, also, bring comfort to him. Thank you for any advice or comfort you can offer, L