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Found 9 results

  1. My Lovely Lad

    Last month my son suffered massive head trauma in an accidental fall and died. He is my eldest son and I miss him deeply. I get up every morning and relive the pain of knowing I won't see him again in my lifetime. The grief is immense and it consumes me. I can share my grief with my husband but not my 18 year old son because I am afraid it will upset him more. My son was a gentle giant at 6' 5". He was passionate about golf, rugby, being outdoors, family and friends. I know I will get through this. I talk to him every day and I believe he hears me. When does it get easier? How do you answer the question "how are you?" I want to tell the truth but feel people will get fed up with me. I don't want to feel like I am wearing cement shoes and everything is a chore. I want to feel good again... xx
  2. (Sorry for spelling errors I'm very shaken) Yesterday I lost my beautiful 10 month old lab x Spaniel puppy in a car accident, he pulled off the latch on his harness in an open park - and stupidly I didn't run to catch him as he was used to being off the lead and he was an extremely fast, agile dog. After a Minute I went to fetch him, hoping he'd of tired himself out on the field, as he's stayed a relatively close distance to me (no more than 6ft) but he hadn't and instantly bolted towards the top of the park (a long distance - roughly the length of a football field - a distance he's never bolted before) towards the road. I chased him but held back knowing that the more you chase they think it's a game. I tried enticing him back with food but he'd seen a female dog on the other side of the road and kept running. The owners of the dog played with him whilst I ran towards to road to get to him - I kept screaming grab his harness - but they ignored me. All of a sudden, the usually quiet road became full with about 8 cars. Alfie managed to weave through many - I tried everything I could to get him away from the road, I even ran in front of cars. Unluckily, his was hit by a car and skidded down the road. He seemed okay - everybody on the road stopped and people ran out to help. He was conscious and began wagging his tail when he saw me. Nothing was broken but he was bleeding from his mouth. I carried him and the driver of the car that hit him took us to the emergency vet. Everyone seemed optimistic he'd be ok - he was in shock but x-rays showed no damage and thy assured me the bleeding from his mouth was a broken tooth. They said there was slight fluid on his lungs that they'd investigate - so they sent me home because I was too in shock. I kissed him on his cheek and his little tail was wagging to see me - even when he was dying he was still wagging his tail and happy to see me I refused to leave and stayed in the waiting room for an hour, thinking that the IV drip, ext.. would magically save him. When the vet called me in, I was expecting her to say he was ok. But he'd died suddenly. His lungs filled with blood and when they tried to drain it his little tiny heart gave up. I stayed with his body for hours just screaming, I felt him go from warm and soft to cold and stiff, but I never wanted to leave my baby. I haven't eaten, slept or drank since the accident. It's my first experience of death (I'm 19) and I feel like it's entirely my fault. I keep asking the questions: - Why did I take him out? If we stayed in he'd be Alive -why didn't I wait for my mum to come home to walk him? - why didn't I chase him as soon as the latch on his lead to his harness disconnected? -why didn't the family across the road grab him when I asked -why didn't I run more amongst the cars to get him? I feel like this is more than guilt and grief, I feel like dying. I can't cope with the feeling of this loss and I was it was me who'd been hit and not him. He was so young and was a perfect sweet puppy - he deserved so many more years and I feel like I stole them off him. I feel like it was all my fault. I'm struggling to cope without him round the house with my mum; he used to sleep on our beds, watch TV with us, follow us to the toilet, watch us do our makeup, kiss our feet when we just came out the shower, slump against us with all his weight (he was a very heavy muscular pup) we'd go on long walks and he recently began enjoying to swim. It sounds silly but he was like my best friend, and my mum would joke that he was her son and my brother Everyone, including my mum, family and the vets told me it wasn't my fault; that it was an accident; that there was no way I'd of been able to catch him when he'd bolted that far (it was completely out of character for him) and that if I'd ran in to the road more I'd of been hit. But I just don't believe it - I honestly don't know how I can go on with these feelings of guilt that I'd taken away what was supposed to be a long and happy life for him. When I picked him up off the road he wagged his tail, licked my face and snuggled his face in to my shoulder (something he hadn't done since he was a tiny tiny pup) - he must've been so scared and I can't even imagine what he thought of me at the time:(
  3. it's been 7 days since my died from car accident he got hit by car in middle night when i still fall asleep. that tragedy are so horrible it's worse nightmare i ever got in my life, my cat is only 3 years old cat in human year and i really love him we always spend together sleep together and play together everyday, seing his favorite place and thinking about him it make me sad and it happen everytime since he is passed, he is so young and i,m so sad when god take him, since that day i can't sleep or eat well, when i go to bed i just remember him and my head so hurt and got many bad dreams every i sleep recently, i just feel depressed and devastated and i think this feeling will hurt me for the whole my life, i hope i can back on that time so i can save him from that accident but i understand that is imposible even i still think to back on time so many time. I learn now that keep cat inside especialy at middle night and if your house close to road are very important, i keep my cat inside everyday but i can't understand why on that time he get out home and hit by car are really sad for me, I hope anyone will never feel the same tragedy and also for myself again. Sorry for my bad English and R.I.P my cat.
  4. I'm barely functioning...I don't know how to deal with the excruciating pain I feel. One of my dogs,10'yr old an Amstaff named Daphne, aka Duckling, my best friend, who shadowed me everywhere I went, ran away two nights ago and got hit by a car or a snow plow on the highway. My 11 yr old daughter let our two dogs out for a pee on that stormy night we had ice rain mixed with snow, and forgot them for almost half an hour while I was giving her baby sister a bath. When she opened the back door only one dog was there and the gate to our yard was open...it's quite strange actually because normally it's the other dog that runs away and my Daphne would always stay put in the yard. I searched on foot with my oldest daughter and in my truck for a while then came home to switch with my husband and then when he came back i went out driving around again for another hour.we could not find her anywhere. I barely slept that night knowing she was out in the storm but I kept telling myself someone would eventually find her, she had a tag with my number, city tag, vet tag, microchip tag.... then next day I made a post about her being missing on Facebook and someone wrote me a msg saying she'd seen a dog lying on the highway about 5 min from my house the night before and felt awful that it was too dangerous for her to stop and see if it was alive. I went to see for myself if the dog was still there figuring it would be picked up already ( after a few hours of waiting for police and spca to get back to me about whether a dog had been picked up there yet or not) it didn't take me long to find her, she wasn't on the highway though but on the side service road. I can't go on to explain how she was ....what she looked like ...i feel like it would be cruel of me to imprint that picture in anyone else's mind. I absolutely can not get that image out of my head. It's haunting me. All day long. All night long. In my dreams. I cry off and on all day and night. It's not making it easier for my kids I know. I try to hide it but it's hard. I know time will heal my pain but I just can't see myself thinking of her or looking at a picture of her and not seeing that horrible image of her lying there the way she was.
  5. Preventing an Accident

    Hi everyone, losing someone that's close to you is extremely painful and someone should never go through it, especially accidents. This is my plead to ask for assistance to prevent any type of auto accident. You see, I have a toddler and my car is not safe at all. I cant afford to buy/lease a new one because I am trying to pay off my loan which have 7% interest... I have a charity page at giveforward if anyone wants to help. https://pages.giveforward.com/emergency/page-f1ndfh4/ Thank you
  6. Loss of younger brother

    I'm not exactly sure what to write on here. My younger brother, Cody, passed away on March 31, 2011. He had just turned 20 the month before and I was 22. My brother was killed from an accidental gunshot wound to the abdomen. How this happened, i'm not 100% sure. The police report wasn't definitive. They say either my brother was cleaning the guns at his grandfathers house and it accidentally went off on him, and the other theory was that his step brother didn't realize the guns were loaded and shot Cody unintentionally. Personally, I think it was the step brother and it was covered up. But, i'll never know. I could think this because I don't want to believe my brother made a stupid mistake that ended his life so young. Or it could be the gut feeling I have, i'm unsure. Whenever I have to mention how my brother passed....I always decline to say. How do you tell someone your brother died from an accidental gun shot wound and not get judged for it? I've read some of the other posts and saw how some of you mention the feelings of lonliness from being the last remaining sibling. I get it. Whenever I don't do something my brother would have done from my mom, I hear about it from her. Whenever I visit her she tells me how she thinks of suicide almost on a daily. She tries to then guilt trip me to moving back home so be closer to her. If I were to do that, I'd be more depressed than I already am from the situation. I miss my brother terribly. He was the jokster. Always making everyone laugh. In school he was the one getting in trouble for wearing inappropriate shirts that said stuff like, "girls don't poop." Now was my brother an angel, no. We fought a lot, but always made up and would laugh at our stupid fights. I miss his laugh. I miss his big bear hugs and going out to lunch with him on a whim and just hanging out. I miss playing video games with him and watching stupid zombie movies. It's been 4 years since he's passed, almost 5. I still cannot speak of him without crying. I can't talk about him to others. I get depressed and have panic attacks around holidays up until the day he left me. Thankfully I feel like it's getting somewhat easier. But, will the pain ever really go away? Again, not sure the point of this post. I told my girlfriend I would write on here to see if it helps. So I guess we'll see.
  7. He was 18..

    I lost my 18 year old brother on February 15, 2014. Some girl my mom and I have never met came to our house and knocked on our door, asking if Ricky was home. I was upstairs and didn't hear the entire conversation between her and my mom, but I came downstairs as she was hugging my mom and running back to her car in the driveway. I asked my mom what I just missed and she told me that this girl heard of a maroon car in a bad accident on Sturgeon Point road (about 5 minutes from our house) and wanted to see if Ricky was home because he has a maroon car. My mom called my brother and he didn't answer his phone. I am the older of the two of us, 23 at the time and he was 18. He had always been "babied" by my mom, although he would never admit it to anyone's face. She would bend over backwards for him constantly, but had always given me a hard time growing up. Her argument was that, "boys are different." To this day I am thankful for that because she instilled a sense of independence and self-worth in me. Also, knowing that she always did 110% for Ricky every day of his and her life helps elevate the pain slightly because we know he enjoyed life to the fullest, having everything he ever wanted his short time on this earth. With all that being said, after this strange girl left our house, we knew something was up when Ricky didn't answer my mom's phone call to check in on him. It was noon on a Saturday and he had left the house to go to one of his best friend's house. He had just gotten his car out of the shop and it was his pride and joy. He and his buddies liked to cruise and listen to music and go out to eat at fast food restaurants. My first thought was maybe he is driving but my mom knew something was wrong. My mom called Ricky's best friend, Dan, whose house he supposedly went to when he left no longer than 20 minutes before this girl showed up at our house. Dan was crying when he answered the phone and repeatedly said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, he was my friend." This really got my mom worked up. She started pacing and talking fast. I told her to calm down, have a seat on the couch, and stay home in case Ricky showed up. I got in my car and drove over to the intersection of Delameter and Sturgeon Point road. There was one gentleman in a bright green jacket standing there and he told me he wasn't allowed to let traffic through. Sturgeon Point road is a winding road and about 5 miles long, surrounded by trees. I couldn't see any signs of distress or abnormalities past him and his volunteer fireman's car, so I turned around and decided to go to the intersection of Sturgeon Point road and Derby road. All the while I was making this commute, I was unusually calm. Now that I look back to it, it's almost as though I was too calm to the point where my body was just on autopilot. At the intersection of Sturgeon Point and Derby Road, I saw three cop cars not allowing any traffic through. About 50 yards from them was my brother's friend Mitch's gold Audi parallel with the ditch. No signs of damage though. About 50 more feet down, past Mitch's car, I saw about three fire trucks, ambulances and undercover/detective-ish police cars. The cops told me there was to be no thru-traffic and find an alternative route. I put my car in park, got out of it, walked over to the little possy of three and said, "my brother drives a maroon Lincoln and someone told me there was a bad accident on this road, I need to know what kind of car is down there." The police offices said that they didn't know the details of the accident and were only instructed to keep traffic back. I knew they were lying through their teeth. They told me I had to move my car and it couldn't stay where it was idle. I told them I wasn't leaving until they gave me information, especially because I could identify the gold Audi as Mitch's car. The one officer radioed to someone at the scene, and an undercover cop car drove in reverse down to where I was standing with the traffic officers. He got out of his car and approached me so calmly that it basically hypnotized me. He gently touched my shoulder and asked me if my parents were home. I told him I just live with my mom and she was home and worried and needed to know if Ricky was ok. He guided me to my car and said to go home and stay with her until the officers arrived with further information. When I replay this in my head, I don't know why I didn't panic. I just assumed Ricky and Mitch (being the 18 year old boys that they were) might've gotten into some trouble and had to clear things up. Maybe they were trespassing or hit a mailbox or something along those lines. Not once did I think about losing my brother. When I got home my mom was horizontal on the couch and she was white as a ghost. She had the cold sweats and was breathing very heavily. I got her a cool washcloth and told her that the officer was coming over to explain. She was confused. I told her he seemed nice and sincere and that we shouldn't worry. I decided to pull out the laptop from under the couch just to waste some time. I pulled up my twitter account and one of the most recent tweets on the top of the page was from a boy a few years younger than me, but went to the same high school as me. He knew a lot of the gossip and was always the center of attention or doing the coolest thing of the night. His tweet read, "RIP Ricky." I read it once, read it twice, read it three times, and looked at my mom lying on the couch with the cold rag on her head. This couldn’t be our Ricky, no. I gently closed the computer and slid it under the couch. I didn't say anything to her because I didn't exactly know what that tweet meant myself. I didn't know many Ricky's in our area, but I think I would be pretty aware if my brother was no longer on this earth. I'm his big sister; wouldn't I be the first to know? About 20 minutes passed and two cop cars pulled in the driveway. It was February and we live in Western New York, so there was a dusting of snow on the ground. My mom sprung from the couch when she saw the officers arrive and ran to the door to fling it open so quick it almost fell off the hinges. She was shouting at them before both of them had even gotten out of their vehicles, "where's my son, what's going on?" I was trying to register all of this as it was happening. Neither of these officers were the one I talked to in the undercover car. Neither of them had my brother in the car. They both walked into our house and she was begging them to tell her where Ricky was. They suggested we take a seat at the kitchen table while they explained and she was pleading at this point, "where is my son?!" There is no word to describe the sound that came out of my mom when the officer told her that he had been in an accident and didn't make it. My mom put her head down in her arms on the kitchen table and began to sob and yell, “No! Where is he?! I need to see him!” I definitely entered a state of shock/panic. The officers had tracked slush/snow into our house all over the kitchen floor so I grabbed paper towels and got on my hands and knees and began wiping the floor because I couldn’t register what they had just told us. The officers told us that they were sorry, but I knew they weren’t. They would go on with their lives as normal; this was just the beginning of their Saturday at work. They went on to explain that we could not see him as he was not transported to the hospital because he died on impact. Still, none of this registering. Now when I look back, I am glad things happened this way because I know he was grabbed right up into heaven. However, my mom was aching to see her baby boy. The officers told us that we needed to contact family because they are what we need to turn to during a time like this for support. My mom is the second oldest of six siblings. She has four brothers and a sister. She lost her mom (my grandmother) about four years prior to this accident. I was devastated losing my Nonnie and my mom devastated to lose her mom, she was only 63. However, it is more of a norm to lose a grandparent than a sibling or child. No pain could ever amount to this. My mom made one phone call, to my grandpa and told him about the accident. He contacted everyone in the family and within about an hour and a half all four of my uncles, their wives and all of their kids (my 12 cousins) were in our house. It was somber. It was like we took turns passing tears around. This was the start of the longest week of my life. Starting with planning funeral arrangements, to the wake and funeral and after, it all seems like a blur. I was sick physically and mentally. Today I look back on all of it, and find Ricky in the little joyous parts of my day, but miss him terribly. Not seeing your younger and only sibling for 11 months is unimaginable. When I say that out loud, I can’t believe it has been that long since we shared a laugh or a loving punch. Eleven months without you, bud. I can’t believe it until I remember that I have to live for the rest of my life.
  8. Hi everyone. My name is Alfie. Yesterday, coming home from my 18th birthday party, We say my cat dead on the road metres from my house. His name was Hector, he was only 4. A Siamese beautiful boy. I already suffer from BPD (borderline personality) and GAD (generalised anxiety disorder). This was just too much. 3 diazipams later I still feel so empty, I can't function and I'm sure with time I'll be okay, but right now I just am still in shock, I can't believe it. I don't know what to do with myself. He was my coping mechanism, a little angel, he was micheious and adorable and so perfect. I am at a loss for words. My thanks in advance.
  9. recieved Matthew's urn yesterday:

    finally recieved matthew's urn yesterday...i think things are truly starting to set in, and i feel really devastated that someone i've loved and spent 6 years of my life with will be in this urn...it's sickening and i hate that...a human body, someone you love, cuddle with touch and everything is just in ashes, and that's all that im left with.