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  1. Hello there, Almost a year ago I lost a really close friend to suspected suicide and I am still having a hard time dealing with it. They died my senior year of high school, so thier life was just beginning and now its over. They died in thier sleep, so we never knew if it was an accident or on purpose. I was really close to my friend and we bonded junior year. I was obviously devastated the first few months after thier death, but when I started college, I thought I had a handle on it. I was going to counseling at university and spending time with friends. However, after having memories brought up from that time , all the feelings i thought i dealt with rose back up. The disbelief and just unending sorrow. I know I will have up days and down days. But will I ever be okay?
  2. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  3. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  4. Lost two brothers

    I lost my oldest brother (stepbrother) to heroin back in June of 2016. He was 26 years old. It was a complete shock to my family and I. We knew he had problems with drugs and this was the third time he overdosed. It just ended up being the one that did him in. I guess you could say I wasn’t surprised...but it still didn’t make me feel any better. He had a troubled childhood and his mother wasn’t the greatest, but I’ve known him since I was 3 years old and to me he was my brother. It was never easy getting over losing him. Especially since he always came to me for advice. I was the good boy in the family. Always into my books and busy with sports. It didn’t matter that he was 3 years older than me and acted like I was the one who the rest of us should look up to. I guess I should’ve mentioned earlier that I am 1 of 6 brothers. He was the oldest, then me, then my half brothers who are identical twins...one of them is 19, and then I have to younger brothers at 7 and 10. After Richie passed away I had to be the rock for my brothers. My parents had my aunts and uncles to help them out and being that they were recently divorced, my brothers and I didn’t really want them around anyway. It was a toxic divorce and my stepfather ended up leaving weeks at a time and coming home when he felt like it. I grew to dislike him for basically leaving me in the position of being the father figure to my younger brothers. Although he was a great dad and still is, him not being around is what hurts us. Now the reason I mention all this is because it leads up to my younger brother Kevin. I had assumed the role of being the “go-to” guy for anything and helping out my little brothers with their homework or just being that one they can depend on since they couldn’t find stability anywhere else. And I thought I was doing a decent job given what i was going through and also trying to become an adult myself. ( I’m 24). It all came to a halt on May of 2017 when I found my 18 year old brother in the closet. He had committed suicide. Cutting him down was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it was even harder trying to explain over the phone what had happened when I called my mom. I didn’t think I would be losing to brothers in the span of one year. And both of them so young. The whole time I must’ve been in some shock but seeing the look on my mother and my other brothers, I knew that I had to mourn later and be that rock again for their sake. I’m grateful to have a big family and their support was extremely helpful, but I can’t help but feel like I was an afterthought or overshadowed. He was an identical twin. So naturally everyone was there for him and the younger ones of course. My mom too had their support, but I guess since I had this facade of being strong and trying to comfort everyone else, nobody was really there for me except for my girlfriend. Now I’m not trying to say I need the attention, that’s far from it. But I did feel somewhat unimportant or just left to the side. It’s been months since this happened and I still haven’t been able to come to terms with it. I slowly feel my strength wavering day after day and I don’t want to go crazy. Even now more than ever I feel alone and like I failed them. I was suppose to look out for them. I think ive might’ve ranted long enough already, I know it’s a lot to read. I just haven’t been able to really talk about it to anyone. Even if no one reads it, I guess it helped to just get it out there.
  5. My eldest brother took his own life on the 19th January, 2017. Its coming up for his first year Anniversary next week. I am not coping well with his loss. From a young age l always looked up to him, he was such an inspiration to me & so talented. He had the brains, beautiful singing voice ( l am tone deaf lol) beautiful writer & so much going for him. He had inspired me. He joined the army at such a young age (15 1/2) all he ever wanted was to be a soldier. After a while he had to come out & life was never the same again. Life changed for him, he had to find a new direction in life. Eventually he went into the care profession & he always fought ( metaphoracally ) for the under dog & ones who's voice couldn't be heard. Then he decided uni was his path & he wanted to become a nurse. I was at work when l got the call. My brother had hung himself. Thats when my life changed forever. I arranged his funeral, all the time holding back my emotions to help my parents through the loss of their son, also helping my own children dealing with the loss of their uncle. (My brothers wife left him 2wks prior.) Since then my mum has had a stroke & l just see sadness in their eyes l can't take away. Its all taking its toll on my marriage as my husband feels helpless & only ever sees sadness in my eyes he's told me. I feel numb, lack of emotion at times & l'm trying to work through how life goes on. I have another brother, who never comes near. I have tried contacting him & his wife to no avail. I now feel l have lost 2 brothers. I could never understand why my brothers survival instincts never took over until his pm stated he overdosed on tramadole prior to hanging himself. My tears are never far away & l have no clue how to move on. My brother & daughter were meant to graduate on the sameday from uni this year. My daughter is dedicating her degree to my brother. He was 49 when he died. I just wish l knew how to get through this. X
  6. I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.
  7. Hello everyone. I'm deeply saddened by all of the stories I've read on this website. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones in any capacity. But as we all know, all too well, suicide is the worst way to lose someone. Carry on dear brothers and sisters. I know it is so tiresome and demoralizing, always wondering when a wave is going to take you down. Always carrying this burden that is so hard to express. But our grief must be acknowledged. It is a patient thing. Always waiting for us. So I encourage you to live your life, but acknowledge the grief. Don't try to push it back at all times. I can't presume to give too much advice, as I am still right there in the battle with all of you, so long after my mom's passing. I lost my Mom over 5 years ago to suicide- September 4, 2012. I was 22 and finishing my last semester of college at the time. Approx. 3 hr drive from my hometown in south Georgia. My sweet mom struggled with mental illness her whole life. My dad is a wonderful man and did the best he could have done with an impossible task of taking care of her. She struggled with anxiety and severe anorexia and depression. She was 5'2" and probably weighed 80 lbs for most of her life. Skin and bones. She felt the compulsive need to exercise everyday. Walking miles upon miles. Usually 20-30 miles everyday around local neighborhoods. She hated herself and her body. Somehow despite all logic and reality she saw herself as fat and ugly when she was too skinny and beautiful. I knew my mom was different and growing up with her was difficult as a child and young man. It was frustrating and heart breaking to me. I just wanted my mom to be normal and to be fully present. I understand her so much better now that I'm older. I so wish I could talk to her again. She loved me so much. My parents were married in 1988 and after a couple miscarriages, I was born. My mom called me her miracle. I was her and my dads only child. I don't think it would be possible for a mom to love her son more. Or my dad for that matter. I tried so hard growing up to be the perfect son. I loved my mom so much. But it was hard, anything that stressed her out was met with anger and overreaction. No matter how much love and effort my dad and I poured into her life, she was like a black hole, sucking it all up and only becoming bigger and stronger. I hate mental illness so much. It is the worst thing to watch someone you love more than anything struggle against something you can't see or fully understand. Despite the efforts of my family and all the people that loved her, my mom just got worse and worse with time. Instead of being her sweet, caring, funny self for 15% of the time, it would be 10% and lower and lower. Over her lifetime she went to a few therapy centers. She had therapists on and off for a lot of her life. Nothing could bring about lasting change. Nothing could overcome her self-hatred. It is a truly sad situation. Her younger brother committed suicide in 2007, after living a double life of partying and having a second relationship/family to his main wife and children was exposed. This was very hard for my mom. I remember her getting the call and her reaction. Just awful. Her identical twin sister committed suicide in 2010 or 2011. She struggled with alcohol and drug addiction, had gone thru a divorce, and was not a very good mom to her two children. It felt like and inevitability that Mom would die after that. Thankfully mom did not struggle with drugs or alcohol, but her mental battles were just as severe. I don't think any of my moms brothers and sisters got the love and attention they needed growing up. Things were never good enough for my grandparents. I am not mad at them these days, my grandparents were young and ignorant. Trying to make themselves look good by having perfect children. They have suffered enough losing 3/5 kids and now in 2014 a week after my wedding, my cousin committed suicide. So 3 kids and a grandchild. The youngest of two kids of my aunt. I think he could not forgive himself for being distant from his mom at the time of her suicide. I don't know. It's a truly sad family to be a part of. I'm really only in touch with the older sister of my cousin who died in 2014. It is hard for everyone to be in touch as there is only sadness to dwell on for that side of the family. So on that fateful day when I received a phone call with my dad crying and yelling, I knew. I knew before I answered. So strange to me, but I knew when I got a call during class, before I called him back and had that horrible conversation walking thru my college campus like a zombie, saying it's ok it's ok til the words didn't even mean anything. My mom shot herself in my childhood home and my dad found her after work. I had not talked to my mom for a couple weeks. I had left her a couple voicemails but she never returned my calls. That was unlike her although we did not talk everyday in college and could go a week or so without speaking if she was having a hard time. It is still hard for me to not remember a final conversation with her. I packed my things and drove home the day I found out. Spent a week at home with family and friends. At that time I was somewhat distant from her. Somewhat disconnected from her situation and immediate mental health. It was a hard time for us, as any time we talked things would turn to how she was having a hard time and she would cry and complain to me on the phone. The older I got, the more of a counselor I was to her rather than a son. Studies kept me busy, but I think once I had moved away from home, it was hard for me to be as there for her. I can only hope that she knew how much I loved her. It still shocks me today as I realize more and more through my pain, how deeply I loved her. I would have done anything for her. I tried to be the best I could be for her at all times. Never got into any trouble growing up. Never rebelled despite the frustration in my heart. I reduced my social interaction and didn't have friends over much, came home early. Anything to make her less anxious and happier, I did. I hope she did not die feeling alone and unloved. I think she knew she was loved. She just felt like such a burden and hated herself. In some ways she was a burden, and there was some rest/peace in not seeing/hearing her struggle immediately after her death. But never never never would I have traded her or wanted to lose her, no matter how bad she became. It hurts me deeply thinking about her mental state at the end of her life. After the funeral, I went back to college the next week and finished my semester. I think I may have cried one time during the week of her death. I was in complete shock without even knowing it. I didn't know what to think and couldn't understand why I could not feel emotion or receive comfort. I did not see her body, I told myself that I wanted to remember her as she was, not as lifeless. Perhaps that was wise, but I think it also allowed me to not accept that it had happened. That it was real. Two weeks after her death, I interviewed for a company who eventually offered me a job. A year after she died I proposed to my girlfriend of 5ish years and we were married in June 2014. My life was so filled with busy-ness and change, nothing to remind me of my mom. But I was unhappy in a way I didn't understand. I still felt no emotion about my mom and rarely thought about it. My wife and I moved back to my hometown right before we were married to be closer to family and because I was unhappy. Eventually my dad remarried and sold my childhood home around March 2016. It was at that time that I received a lot of my moms old things. Things she had made, her bible, precious things she had saved from my childhood. Photos. God, so many photos. It was at that moment in my life that grief became real to me. About 3.5 yrs after my death I learned what grief was. The walls of protection that my mind had unconsciously put up were broken. I have never cried so violently and mindlessly. It was a hard time for me and my wife. It was so odd to be deeply grieving someone who had died so long ago. All of her other loved ones and friends had already processed their feelings and been comforted. I told those I was closest to, but other than my dad no one could understand on a deep level. I was so sad to realize I could never talk to her again, walk with her again, eat her baking again, etc. All of the normal things you grieve immediately after someone dies. Over the last 6 months I have been going to grief counseling. It is hard for me and makes me anxious every appointment. But it has uncovered many things and continues to uncover things. There are so many layers to grief. It can be disheartening, it is certainly overwhelming. I had a conversation with my dad this past week to fill in the gaps of my memory about the last bit of her life and her mental state. My dad and I are close, but that was a hard conversation. It went very well, but made me remember so much and gave me so many new things to be sad over. I wrote down everything he said so I would not forget it, but I am too scared to process how it makes me feel. I am relieved to have it written down, because it is a burden not remembering things. But I know how strongly I feel about it and have been avoiding the emotions. I have probably drank too much over the last couple of days. Sort of in a downward spiral at the moment. Not sure how to pick myself up and go back to healing again. I was doing so well and making progress with many things before this week. I feel derailed right now. I'm not suicidal, but I am always so very weary of carrying this weight. I long to die and be in heaven with my mom. I wish God would come and take me now. Feeling this way is heart breaking to me because I am a man of faith and I love my wife so very much. God has used her to minister and heal my hurt so much since our marriage. I want to get past my grief and anxiety, so that I can be the best husband to her and the best father to our future children. While I don't understand my mom's reduced and painful life or her death, I believe in God. I have a hard time reconciling things that the Bible says when it doesn't seem to match my reality. But I have felt God comfort me in my grief. I have felt his love for me and for my mom. I would often pray growing up for peace and strength to be the best son I could be. He never answered my prayers for my mom, but he answered my prayers for myself and my dad so often. I am very conflicted these days, feeling so tired and hopeless, yet having so much that I could/should be hopeful and joyful about. So many of your situations are so much more tragic and many of you are enduring things with less support than I have. I don't know how you do it, but I take heart in it. I hope I can shed this strength-sapping, bone-breaking weariness that is always with me. I am so tired of it. Much love and support to all of you. Thank you for your time if you managed to read all of this.
  8. I'm trying to deal with my sisters passing and I've been trying to think away the pain, which I know is unhealthy, but I'm scared that if I breakdown, I will be broken forever, I miss her so much and I want to hear her voice and feel her holding my hand or giving my a hug I want to be greedy and selfish and hoard all her stuff so I can keep her close, everyday I regret so much of went on between us, dumb **** I never apologized for, time spent together i wasted, I'm scared I will forget her I'm scared I will not be able to give her children the answers they will ask me one day. Me and my sisters, it was always us against the world no matter the odds we had each others backs. Brought up rough, we turned to each other first, and knew that we would walk through fire for each other. We were a set, our husbands soon realized you couldn't have one without the others popping in too My sister killer herself out of grief for her husband who died of cancer two weeks earlier, all the time to prepare did nothing to lessen the blow, they had 5 kids who are distraught to put it mildly at the loss of their mum and dad. I know she fkd up and in that low moment she chose the perceived oblivion of death than feel the pain all the time. It wasn't her first rock bottom in her life, just the first time she didn't come back from it. Im not angry at her for killing herself, I don't care about the how of her death, dead is dead, I'm lonely and heartbroken and confused I don't want to do anything but be numb, I am angry at ahole ppl who made my last moments with her stressful I was trying to be with her as much as possible before I closed her casket never to see her face again, it sucks that I let these ppl get in my way but there was fk all I could do at the time I'm angry that those ppl robbed me of our time, and I hate ppl who give lip service and are disingenuous I put on my bullshit happy face and nod and smile everyday. I'm doing fine... A generic answer for a generic question asked all the time rather than the truth that I'm fkd up inside
  9. Really have no idea where else to put this rant so I decided to do it here. Yesterday made it five months since my mother died. I was tremendously depressed and actually felt suicidal. I started thinking about how I can just go drown myself in a lake two minutes away from us walking distance. Then I thought about how my close friends and family would be affected. Then I just continued crying. Had no appetite so I didn't eat much. Today I felt sort of better. A lady who was best friends with my mother (and I'm close to their son), called me today. I told her what happened yesterday and how I really felt. She went straight to saying how I should have gone to church or read the Bible. I got furious and started saying how I feel and how I don't believe in worshipping a god who did not even listen to any of our prayers the whole time leading up to my mother's death. Then she said it was God's plan for what happened and he had a better reason for why things turned out the way they did. That basically makes it seem as if god shortened her life even though my mom never deserved it to be shortened. Being told that death isn't permanent makes it feel like my pain is useless and I'm mourning for no reason. When really I do have a reason to be depressed over the death of my mother. I'm starting to feel as if she is really just trying to comfort HERSELF. I told her how serious it was and how the depression prevented me from even doing my usual activities and that is when she decided to tell me I should speak to a counselor at my college. That is what she should've said in the very beginning. She knows how I feel when people bring up god and that he will make things better for us and we will see my mom again on judgment day. Literally makes no sense how since your body rots with time after you die. Still, she continues. She said she wont bring up god in our conversations anymore but I know that is a lie since she does every weekend we speak on the phone. It's really annoying and doesnt help me in any way. What helps one person wouldn't help the other person and she refuses to understand that and actually live by it. I'm tired of being preached to. I need people to rant to that wouldn't use a magical being as an excuse for what happened to me. She always says that she is suffering from her loss as well. She was her best friend, I was my mother's daughter pretty much all my life. There's a difference between our bond with my mother and it seems as if she is trying to minimize my pain. Just wanted to get that out even if nobody will respond.
  10. My boyfriend was my whole entire world. We may have been young but we knew what we wanted and that was each other. He lost his long fight with depression on August 4th 2017, at the age of 19. But he gained his angel wings to finally fly free and be happy. I am only 18 years old. I am so lost & so broken. We spent everyday together almost & when we weren't together we were either texting or on facetime until we could be with each other again. He had depression since he was a freshman in high school. I met him my 7th grade year of middle school, he was my first everything. We had plans to get an apartment together this month and start our forever.. I am trying to do everything i can to make him proud & express my love for him to him & others. i will never stop loving him, telling people about how amazing of a person he was, and i will never stop wishing that he was still here beside me. I love you my forever for always Tyshawn Napoleon Reese. 12.15.1997-08.04.2017, fly high my angel boy until we meet again. Also, i created a go fund me to help me out with purchasing a tombstone- gf.me/u/cqa7jb
  11. A Month

    My dad battled bipolar disorder his whole life. The worst of it happened many years ago and after his recovery he was stable for 17 years. Stable, but did not want to acknowledge what had happened. I would go to bipolar family support groups and he would pretend that all of those years while he was manic depressive didn't exist. I tried to convince to go to therapy, he joined some informal support group not meant for people with mental illness. Unbeknownst to me he stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started getting his psychiatric medication from his internist who knew nothing about treating a man with bipolar disorder. This doctor ended up prescribing two other medications that interacted with his lithium and he started developing a serious lithium toxicity and his kidneys started to shut down. My dad called this doctor for help, thinking he was destabilizing mentally and this piece of **** turned him away. He kept telling me he was fine and to leave him alone, but enough was enough and I showed up at his apartment. He was covered in bruises and his own feces and so relieved that I was there to help. We got him to the hospital and when they took his blood levels he had to have emergency dialysis. After he was medically cleared they put him in the psychiatric ward just to monitor him and make sure his lithium levels were back to normal and he was safe. He did not handle it well. He could not bare to be back in a psychiatric unit, even for a few days. Even though they were very kind and took good care of him. Eventually we found him a therapist and psychiatrist and he decided he no longer wanted to be on lithium. He said it caused him too much anxiety to be on the medication, even though it had kept him stable for all of that time before this. So he switched...his mood went really high and then dropped really low. Then he put a shotgun in his mouth and blew his head off. I'm doing my best to hang in there and make the "right" choices in dealing with my grief. I just feel like I'm drowning and I don't want to go on. I feel as if I failed him and I should have been there to save him. I miss him so much everyday.
  12. my dad hung himself 17 days ago, i know he was depressed, when i was 6 he also hung himself in front of me but survived, this time he didn't. i'm not sure what to do? i'm 13
  13. Helping to bring the number down

    Hello, my name is Anthony barela. I am so sorry for everyone's loss here. To date in the United States teen suicide is the number two cause of death among teens. My brothers and I would like to help bring that number down as significantly as possible. We are doing an informal survey right now in hopes of starting a nonprofit organization that will help bring counselors to schools every single quarter to just simply ask our children how they are doing. To give them help. Today, schools are stretched thin and many counselors have as many 600:1 ratios to help our young people. We would like to bring our counselors in and bring that ratio down for a few days and help our teens. Another aspect would be to lend our ears to stopping social media bullying. Today kids are not simply bullied at school they are bullied 24 hours a day 7 days a week. As parents ourselves we understand how difficult it is to constantly protect our children when it feels we do not have the weapons to protect them. If anyone would volunteer to answer these questions on this forum or in a direct message it would be of great help for us to move forward and start to find better ways to help our children. I truly appreciate your time and again I am truly sorry for your loss. 1. Would you support counselors going to your child's school and talking to them individually every quarter? 2. Would you as a parent take a social media course to help navigate your child's social media without compromising their privacy? 3. Do you as a parent feel the school system is doing enough about bullying? Please explain either yes or no. 4. At what age do you believe bullying becomes the biggest problem? 5. Finally do you believe that there are enough programs in place to help you and your child feel happy and safe? thank you so much for your time. Let's end teen suicide and protect our children together. Thank you, anthony barela
  14. Hello last Wednesday my boyfriend commited suicide. I feel broken, he was my best friend. We were together for 8 years since we were 15 and 16 and now he's just gone. No note, no goodbye. He was my first everything. He had been depressed for a while but had gone onto anti depressants and was starting to feel better. We had just got our own house together and everything seemed perfect until that night he went missing. Please tell me this gets easier :,(
  15. Lost the love of my life

    Last Wednesday 29th of March my partner of four years and the love of my life has fully unexpectedly for everyone pulled the trigger in the bathroom at his place. He was discovered by his father and was rushed to hospital. He wrote me 2 messages and a note on that day, generally all saying that he loved me eternally and wished me the best life. The second note was for the parents - i didn't see it, but i am sure that is where he really poured the blame out as the family was disfunctional. He was only 29, and has left me virtually a widow at 24 - we were planning our future together, we've spend an amazing weekend prior to what happened - and even Monday and Tuesday were full of support... This left me broken, devastated and incredibly lonely. We don't even know when the funral will take place, as the police/hospital still have the body... Right now, I am going through something I hoped would never come. As such, my usual day-to day life is just cancelled now. Everything - from the uni to even watching TV, I've stopped doing it all. I do not see the sense to live anymore, it hurts so much and I can't even distract myself for a second. Rn, I can't be cheered up even by those grieving with me too. All the well-meant encouragements just make me angry because people i don't consider close friends and who've never been through this simply can't even imagine what i feel. The person I've lost so suddenly meant pretty much everything to me, my miserable life made sense for once, for once I wanted to go with the rules of the world and try to work and study for the future. Now it is all gone, and the pain and emptiness I feel are endless. I neglect everything, including myself. Maybe a better time will come after the funeral, maybe years later, maybe never? I feel the love itself has dissappeared from my life with him...
  16. I married the love of my life in 2013, but after 3 years of marriage things weren't going so well. I never stopped loving my husband, but alcohol and his untreated depression tore us apart. The divorce was finalized last November. Afterwards we still spoke almost daily, said "I love you," and discussed things we could've done differently. In the bottom of my heart I hoped he would get help for his depression and alcoholism and that we'd get back together someday. I was starting to doubt my decision to leave him, I know he still loved me. 8 weeks after the divorce he killed himself. He was only 34 years old, he cut his life in half. We hadn't even closed our joint checking account yet. At first his family welcomed me to travel across the country to attend his memorial service. They waited till after I'd purchased a plane ticket, one week before I was going to leave, to call and tell me I'm an "enemy of the family." Obviously, I didn't go. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, the one person I've loved more than anyone else in the world. It's been 3 months since he died, and I am still barely functioning. No one understands, they think that because we were divorced (BARELY!) I shouldn't care, "get over it." I tried going to a counselor, it didn't seem to help a whole lot. Everyone's sick of talking about it, they tell me that "crying doesn't change anything," "be strong," "you'll find someone else." The night before he did it, we spent 8 hours on the phone (yes, 8). Something didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think he'd already made up his mind and wanted to say goodbye. It was strange though, because we discussed plans he'd made for the future. I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with him before he left. Its just so hard to accept that the final fate of someone I thought I knew so well ended up being such a horrible tragedy. I think of him constantly, and wonder what I should have done differently. His family blames me for his death. I wish there was a way to fix all of this, I miss him so terribly.
  17. Shocked

    My husband just committed suicide this evening. We have a beautiful baby girl. We had plans to take a summer road trip, go out to eat this weekend - what happened? I'm so numb right now. I feel like if I had just said or done something differently he would be sleeping beside me now. What do we do next? I'm so lost without my best friend
  18. so basically my partner of 9 months lost her husband to suicide just over two years ago although i have suffered grief i can't begin to understand what she experienced and I'm not trying to. I just want to be there for her and help her through her darkest times, i lost my mum three years ago and i found it so so hard and that is nothing compared to what she went through finding her husband hanging in the house were they lived together and she has ben so strong for so long its unreal and i don't want her to carry this trouble alone anymore. we go through so many ups and downs together i just wondered if anyone had been through something similar and had some advice to help. thanks in advance jay
  19. My boyfriend of 7 years passed away a month ago. He was involved in a fire that started in his bedroom. Door was locked, but he always locked his door. They ruled it as intentional but have no real evidence other than the fact that they ruled out every other option. Less than one percent of people in the US commit suicide by fire. I can't bring myself to believe he would do this, the last text he sent was "sorry for the late reply". Does anyone have any advice for me... I am taking care of our two year old daughter and just don't know how to cope. I keep researching the items in his room/ their flame temperature/ thinking about all the logistics of the fire and am just really needing answers that I don't know if I'll ever get. He was 24 years old.
  20. My father took his own life with a .22 magnum on the back lawn of the family home just over a month ago on the 21st of December. I was very close with him an knew something wasn't right by his txt msgs that day, I even tried calling 10 or so times an got hold of my brother. Anyway I got a call at around 1130pm to say dad had shot himself. Up until 3 or so years ago I was off the rails an quite hard work but we had since sorted things out. My mother an father we're both alcoholics. Not one family member other than my mother has talked to me since. Today my mum has sent me several msgs saying it's all my fault and it hurts so bad. I feel so guilty and down and alone. I miss my dad so much and I can't take it all much longer. Just venting an possibly looking for some advice.
  21. 9 months since my beautiful, incredibly intelligent son finally managed to end his unbearable life at 25 years old. . He tried multiple times over 8 years. I was always there to stop him until the last few years - he moved away with his wife and 2 very small children, out of my reach. He had a great job with benefits and a good life financially. I know I couldn't have stopped him from his goal. I came to terms with that after the first several attempts ... That, at some point, he would succeed . ... I don't think I will ever understand the pain that would cause you to leave all the people who love you ... I'm still angry, confused and hurting . How do I get past it? How do I understand a pain so severe that you discount your children? ... And all the people who love you and are there for you... I struggle with this daily. I'm normally a happy person, but at times, the thoughts and memories are too much. Not sure how to work through this pain and need to understand his pain.
  22. Last March, a friend of mine attempted suicide on her 21st birthday. She died nine days later. I didn't know her for very long (under a year) but we became close quickly. She was one of few people in my life who I knew I wanted to stay in touch with forever. I didn't spend enough time with her before she died. There were so many things I never got to share with her. I knew she'd been struggling emotionally, but so had so many of my friends... I've known so many people who are or have been suicidal that I didn't process that could mean death until after it happened. I just keep running through what I could have done differently and all the amazing things she could've gone on to do in her life. It feels wrong that this happened. I had it so set in my mind that we were going to be friends for years. I think about her every day. I don't want to forget about her, but it's so exhausting to be constantly thinking about her. Will it ever stop? I walked past the ambulance that went to get her. Now every time I hear sirens I get anxious. I only found out she was in the hospital because we worked on the same staff and our supervisor called everyone in to let us know. I worry that if someone who I'm not close enough with is dying, I won't know about it. I'm afraid of losing people.
  23. This is the first i have reached out to any support group but ill try my best. I lost my older brother to suicide 3 months ago on Sunday. He was 4 years older than me and was 23. I always looked up to him and he was the strongest person i knew. he had the biggest heart in the world and he would do anything for anyone often putting others before himself. Sadly i didn't get to see him much the past few years as he joined the army when i was in high school and i did a terrible job of trying to keep in touch with him. He was never the type of person to call people and i wish i had got to talk to him more. I think about him every day and some days are okay. But other days are just terrible and i have no motivation. Ill lay in bed for hours doing nothing and sometimes the only thing that makes me get is having to be at work. Its been especially hard lately with the holidays as that was the time of year I usually got to see him. I'm going to visit the cemetery tomorrow for the first time since the funeral and I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel about it as I've never visited anyone in a cemetery.
  24. I have never posted on a site like this before but I am really struggling and looking for some help or advice. My biological father, who I never got the chance to meet, died by suicide over the summer. I found out about his passing only two weeks after it happened through a google search of his name since I wanted to try to find a picture of him to show my significant other. I always assumed I would be able to meet him and share my life with him someday, but the choice is no longer mine. He made the decision for me when he took his own life and I am very sad and angry about it. I don't know how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet, much less how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet who committed suicide. I feel as if I am grieving for him as a person as well as grieving for the relationship we never got to have and now never will.