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Found 29 results

  1. Next month will mark 7 years since my sister died. She is the only person I’d unironically call a soulmate. It was a long illness and a raw, ugly experience beyond anything I could have imagined. But despite an excellent therapist and support system, I am still barely holding it together 7 years later. Her absence is an acute pain made up of guilt and anger and sadness and lack of closure- a wound that never heals. I read about grief changing or becoming bearable, but mine hasn’t. Instead it feels like I believed I couldn’t live without her and now I’m trapped in the more horrifying truth that I can and I have to. It feels like I can’t connect with other people or get out of my grief. Part of my problem is the idea that I SHOULD feel this way because if she mattered as much as I say she did, living without her really should be a nightmare and to have relief would be a betrayal. I’ve had no luck meeting people who’ve lost a peer or sibling, which is just so unique. So I guess I’m hoping my comments won’t sound insane to this group.
  2. grieving the loss of my sissy

    i lost my baby sister 9/24/17 from an overdose. she had her struggles for a little over 4 years. she unfortunately lost her battle. my brother found her in her bedroom after she was apparently dead for at least 9 hours. he said the imagine was unimaginable. he lives with that sight of seeing her that way. i feel so bad for him. i wish i knew what to say or do to help him. my mother is having a hard time as well since she has lost her baby. i am really the only one reaching out to people to talk with that have similar losses. i have recently joined a bunch of groups on Facebook for loss of a loved one or sibling. i find it a lot easier to talk to someone that has similar issues. i was attended therapy but i stopped going because i felt like i wasn't being heard and was told to move on. i felt like i was being treated as if she didn't mean anything because she was an addict. i was NOT ashamed of my sister at all. i will never be ashamed. no one is perfect, she just got swept away by the Satan drug, heroin. Fentanyl -laced things have become a bigger problem here in Wilmington. i know drugs are everywhere but i never thought i would be living in one of the cities that has one of the highest rates of ODs from opiates. its really sad. i miss my sister so much and I'm just reaching out to people that have lost their sibling to an addiction. i know it doesn't get any easier..i just really miss her....
  3. Loss of my best friend

    Hi, I wish I'd thought of joining a support group a few years back, but it's better late than never. My sister passed away about 4 years ago due to a brain tumor. It was a hard scenario as anyone could imagine going through, but I managed to get over the worse setback. Many things flashed through my mind such as regret, guilt, and pain. At this point in my life, I've come to the conclusion that the pain will never entirely go away. There really hasn't been a day where I'm not thinking about here, even if she's the last thought before I go to bed. I guess I've sought this support group because my sister always had my back. I would share many things but above all, she would understand me better than anyone else since we had a lot in common. It's really tough to talk to family members who clearly don't understand what I'm going through, so I figured this would be my next best shot. Is anyone else experiencing a similar scenario? Thanks, Chris
  4. Why is it Getting Worse?

    Why is it getting so much worse? Crying all the time, sick to my stomach, going over and over the day she passed away. So many fears, so many tears Who will I grow old with? Feeling so selfish because I have a wonderful husband and son. Want to help my nieces but feel like I am doing all the wrong things. My voice cracks, I cannot speak about her. I loved her so much and we had so many plans. Whenever I see my grandson, I cry for all the things her grandson will miss and she will miss. I look at my couch and see her sitting there. Why wasn't it me?
  5. I am not a widow. However, I'm hoping to get perspective a subject in the community, if you'll welcome me. Relationships that form through the grieving process are so complex. But specifically, I'm wondering about relationships where a widow or widower finds love again with a family member of their lost loved one. It seems that such relationships are more common than many realize. After the death of a loved one, a spouse is often drawn to their best friend or sibling. Has anyone else experienced this and willing to speak to it? How did you navigate those feelings? I'm hoping that sharing stories can help remove the stigma.
  6. Can't get over this

    I live in a small town in Texas called Levelland, about 30 miles from Lubbock. On July 21st of this year my sister and niece left Levelland to drive to Dallas for soccer tournaments in my car(to save gas money). I received a call at work from my mother crying hysterically on the phone a little after 12:30pm, she kept saying my sister and nieces name over and over again. I didn't know what was going on. I hung up and called my sisters phone. My 13 year old niece answered and was crying and scared and didn't know where her mom was. Unfortunately, they were getting out of Sweetwater on I20 when a semi slammed into the back end of the car when they were slowing down due to construction, they crashed into the vehicle in front of them and ended up getting hit by another semi. I was told they were going to be transporting my sister and niece to Abilene Hendrix hospital. You see... Abilene is 3 hours from Levelland. Took us 4 1/2 hours to get there due to traffic. Longest 4 1/2 hours of my life. No answers, no updated information... I just wanted to know that my sister and niece were going to be ok. Later on we knew that my sister was in a induced coma. Brain damaged, skull and spine were dislocated, internal bleeding... I couldn't see my sister like that. My niece on the other hand had a small fracture on her wrist. Some cuts bruising but that was it. There was a angel with her, she said right before the 2nd semi hit that her seat belt popped off and she was thrown in the drivers seat on top of my sister. Throughout the days my sister would make some progress but then get back to square one. On July 27th at 6:00pm, my sister took her last breath. We were being stingy wanting her to be here with us but she would just be a vegetable if they kept her on the machines for the rest of her life... On Aug 1st we laid her to rest. A beautiful funeral with mariachis and rain. We were all soaked but my sister sure did love the rain. I thought it would have been better by now. At least me not crying so much. I burst out in tears so much. My anxiety and depression is out the roof and I just feel nobody understands.
  7. Hi guys, I'm not sure how active this forum is, but I've been having a very difficult night, and thought I would find some relief in expressing it. I would also love to know if anyone has been put in a situation similar to mine. I lost both my mother and my sister when I was 7 years old. My mother suffered from a brain tumour, and my sister struggled with disabilities (mute, blind and couldn't walk) though I'm not sure what caused her death. I was too young at the time to understand and I'm not sure anyone around me was comfortable with explaining it. She was two years older than me and I've been finding it difficult to cope with wondering what she would've been like, what advice she would've given me had she been healthy, as an older sister. Whether she would look similar to me. My mother was incredibly supportive of me and losing her without her being able to guide me through the rest of my childhood was awful. Following these losses, I had no other option but to move in with my maternal grandmother, as my mother didn't want my father to take on the responsibility of looking after me. My father lived with his parents at this time, my paternal grandparents, whose house was about a 5 minute walk from me so I could visit often. Though my relationship with my dad was always distant and insufficient, my paternal grandmother was quite possibly the kindest and most caring person I had ever met, and treated me as if I was her daughter. She acted as my 'substitute mother', a role that my maternal grandmother hadn't ever been able to fulfil in the slightest. Unfortunately, she died after suffering from cancer when I was 12. This was excruciatingly painful, and I was in crucial need of comfort and support, though my maternal grandmother rejected my attempts at seeking this from her. My dad moved out shortly afterwards, and I visited my granddad as often as possible. He had Parkinson's disease and died a year later. The house was sold, I then had less opportunity to see my dad, and to this day, feel as though I have no one looking out for me. The fact that my grandmother has not given me the emotional support that I need so badly leaves me with a lot of resentment and bitterness, which then quickly turns to guilt because I'm aware she will die at some point in my life, whether that is soon or further in the future - unpredictability that is also difficult to deal with - and I will hate myself for not appreciating that she is still here regardless. She is here for me simply because she feels she owes it to my mother, but not to me. Still living here is becoming increasingly more painful as a result. My 18th birthday is at the end of this month, which means I will be able to hopefully put my childhood behind me and begin a new life for myself, the issue is that mental illness (partly caused by these experiences, partly due to bad luck) is interfering with my grades which could potentially prevent me from attending university and moving out will be delayed. I don't know how to move on alone, how to accept that this has all happened, how to want to get better mentally, how to get through Christmas, and focus on my studies. I don't think I will ever shake this feeling of loneliness since what I've lost cannot be replaced. I try my best to swallow this all and power through, but on days like this, it piles up. Thank you for reading, I welcome anyone to share similar experiences and let me know how you have dealt with them.
  8. In exactly 2 weeks it will be 1 year since my little sister died of an accidental overdose at the age of 30 leaving behind her 10 year old son. I found out on Facebook and had to call my parents to tell them that their baby was dead. Though I think about it nonstop, this is my first time writing about it. Im stuck. Im stuck in this gut wrenching grief that I just can't get past. I remember the weeks after she passed telling my mother that it will get better. "This pain cannot last or we will die," I told her. Ignorance on my part. I had never lost anyone close to me. She was my little sister. She was 2 years younger than I. We shared a room my whole life. Our parents were divorced when I was 6 and she was 4, and my mother became an alcoholic so we really only had eachother for most of our lives. I miss her so much it still hurts. Not just the heavy feeling in my chest or the constant lump in my throat, or the burning feeling in my face waiting for my tears to rush down and put the sting out. Everything hurts. I feel so alone all the time. I feel like no one understands. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We are currently going through divorce and it probably has a lot to do with the loss of my sister. I'm not the same. My family isn't the same. Now we just received the news that my Dad has stage IV cancer of the pancreas. I'm devistated. But still all I can think about is my sister and how she is gone forever. Why?!!! Do something positive I thought!! Channel your anger and sadness and make a difference, right?My older sister and I organized a vigil for International Overdose Awareness Day this past August. I figured I think about her all day everyday I might as well make it count. We had over 75 grieving but healing loved ones attend, and 40 photos sent in of those lost to overdose that we displayed in a memorial. It comforted us to know we weren't alone in our grief, but the pain is still there. One year without her. I feel like I've been in a fog. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. There is hope, I just know it.
  9. My oldest sister passed away

    My oldest sister passed away 10 months ago from cancer & the effects of chemotherapy. My whole family is struggling, & so am I. Of course, we pray, as we are Christians. Has anyone joined a group for grief support (not online, in person)? I have been unable to join one yet due to social anxiety & depression. Nearly everyone seems to have forgotten that we are living with this terrible loss. It is so hard, living without our precious sister & second mother. I am glad she isn't suffering terribly anymore, because she really suffered tremendously. I just miss her so much! I feel guilty for yelling at her a few times when I was trying to help care for her, though I was very stressed & exhausted. I should never have yelled at my wonderful sister, who was so sick. I am angry at myself, honestly mad sometimes at God for letting her die, & possibly angry at my sister for not getting to the doctor sooner. Thank you to any who have gone to group therapy for grief support who can tell me if it has helped. May God bless & comfort all on here!
  10. In March I lost my 44 year old sister to a drug overdose. She had a long hard life. In the end she got cancer and the meds they gave her to help her pain are the thing that killed her. She became addicted to them. My last exchange with her was via text and I said a lot of tough love things to try to get her into rehab. The night she overdosed she was staying with our uncle because his house was closer to the rehab where she had an appointment THE NEXT MORNING. He broke down the door to the bathroom and found her overdosed. They were able to revive her and take her to the hospital where they tried to shock her with hypothermia to "reboot" her body. It didn't work. She was substantially brain damaged. I currently live in another state and flew in as quickly as I could get there. I sat at the hospital and watched them flash lights into her sightless beautiful blue eyes trying to find a reaction. Ultimately we made the decision to take her off of life support but even then she lingered. She was so young and her heart was strong so she continued to breathe on her own. Hospice started talking to us about her living for a long time in a nursing facility in a vegetative state...my vibrant beautiful sister. My Dad and I were the only ones with her when she took her last breath. For awhile I felt numb from the shock and completely disconnected from my life. I went into planning mode and took care of everything and everyone else: she left behind three daughters. My husband was amazing and my two kids kept me going. But after a month my husband started telling me I needed to "get back to my life". I tried. And some days I have been able to keep myself busy enough that I think of her less and I'm exhausted enough that I sleep. Then I started to be angry at everyone and everything. I know this is a normal part of the process but I can't seem to get past it. When I am not angry, I can't sleep and I am crying my eyes out in secret while my husband snores away. I have all these questions that I know will never be answered and so many regrets about how tough I was on her at the end. I feel like I can't function anymore and every area of my life is being affected. I walk around most days feeling like there is a hole in my chest and I can't breathe. None of my friends know what to say to me. They have tried really hard to support me too but I feel like everyone is expecting me to "move on" and I just can't seem to do it. Does anyone have any advice about getting past some of this?
  11. Just lost my sister

    Hello everyone, I've never done this before, so I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to do, so Ill just share my experience with you. I'm 22 years old and I just lost my 27 year old sister two days ago. She overdosed, and it's hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. She made it to the hospital, but suffered severe brain damage. Shortly thereafter, her organs started to fail. I left work and rushed to the hospital, which was two hours away, to say goodbye. I don't think I realized the gravity of the situation until I saw her when I got there, and when I did, a feeling of unreality set in. This feeling hasn't gone away since. I broke down when I saw her lying there, it was a horrifying sight that I'd never wish on anybody. The thing is, after that moment, I've felt like my life has turned into some type of sad movie, with my family and friends playing the characters. Maybe my mind is using this idea as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation, im not sure. I feel like my normal life has been replaced with my sisters death. What I mean is my life now consists of me doing pointless tasks and having pointless conversations for no reason other than filling time and fruitlessly distracting me from the fact of her death. It feels as if her death IS my life now. Hopefully I'm making sense! I find myself trying to figure this situation out, as if it were a math equation. I constantly feel confused and distant, and I hate it. What happened to everything that was, just two days ago? Does everyone go through this? Will this go away? I know it's still very fresh, two days is not a very long time to grieve, but I'm not sure if I have even accepted it! I saw her take her last breath, I SAW it. I heard the doctor pronounce her dead, yet I can't shake this feeling that she's gonna show up and say "gotcha!" And start laughing so hard she starts to snort. I'm afraid that I feel too distant to reality, and I'll fall further down the rabbit hole. It's like I have two totally conflicting thought processes going through my mind simultaneously. I'm constantly thinking about her death, but I'm not fully ready to accept that it's the truth. Is this a normal experience? I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you. vince
  12. On October 20 at 12:30 pm my sister was in an accident. She was killed on impact and my 3 year old nephew was lucky he came out of the wreck with two broken legs. I have the feeling that she would still be here if it was not for me. She came to my house to drop off some money (I worked for as a full time babysitter) and if she had never came here that day she would still be here. we went out to eat and after that she dropped me back at my house and die about 10 minutes later. No one understands this in my family they just keep saying that if she was meant to die than she would had either way but it is hard to believe. She was a such a nice person who would help anyone no matter what. There were many times that she would see someone on the Yard Sale sites on Facebook asking for help with food and she would give them food from her own freezer. She was the type of person that was there for everybody no matter what and because of car accident she is gone. She will never see her three boys grow up, she will never be able to see our grandmother walk again, or she will not be able to see our two nephews born. Is there a reason for all this? Is this some lesson to be learned?
  13. Baby sister had HLHS

    3 years ago, my unborn baby sister, Rachel Lynn Bickel, died. Rachel's death hit me and my brothers hard but it hit me harder because we all had thought that we were getting a new baby sister and then have mom and dad tell us, it was devasting. That was in March of 2013, and 3 years later, I am still grieving over Rachel's death. She would have been 3 years old in March of this year, and I am still grieving. How can I get over Rachel's death? Do I need to go to a support group, and have my parents talk to me about coping with loss and my sister's death?
  14. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm spent. Can I put another "I" in here? Selfish. My family calls me selfish. My mother who passed in April called me selfish most of my life. My sister calls my teenage daughter and I "selfish bitches." But she probably doesn't think that bothers us, so to be fair, it must look different from her perspective. Fair? I guess I am trying to say I realize there is more than one way to perceive a story. My sister and I are 12 years apart. She is 47 and I am 35. She helped take care of me when I was little. Then she moved out and started her life apart from me. I should mention that we have different dads; I am my father's only child, my sister's father passed away many years ago from cancer. He was an absentee parent. (I also have a 48 yo half brother, my sister's Irish twin, who disowned the three of us,my mom and sister and me, about 15 years ago, has an extreme Narcissistic personality, and has toyed with my mom's emotions and tortured her throughout the years; we don't speak at all). It has never made any difference to us about fathers, I point it out because I think it has bearing on our very different personalities. My sister has had much misfortune in her life, a lot of it was not of her doing. She, like myself, has very strong opinions about who she is, how the world should be, and how these ideals should affect the way she judges right from wrong. I have always considered her to be a good person and I love her and my 8 yo niece. I have mental health issues. Actually, we both do; different types, but the kind that are still imposing great difficulty on daily living. I mean, we both find it very difficult to do more than exist on a day to day basis. She and I are both crippled little creatures that have lived with my mom together or alone for the majority of our lives. Around the age of 21 I moved to Florida to gain residency for college. My mom had gone bankrupt for the second time, lost our home to the bank and my sister got out of a relationship that left her with PTSD and some severe panic attacks that continue to this day. So we all moved to Florida together. About 10 years ago we all lived in a decent rental house with a pool. It was a nice life. But I was 25 years old with a 7 year old daughter I was feeling stifled and longed to live on my own. After my sister gave birth to her daughter the house seemed even more crowded an I wanted to stretch my wings and make a home for my daughter and myself. This affected them because I paid a portion of the rent in a home they couldn't afford without me. My sister felt so angry and betrayed when I decided to buy a house. But the owners decided to take it off the market. I really liked that particular house and was disappointed enough to stop my search for a while. I told my mom and sister I could stay. I understand that the fact that I used the chance to do something for myself at the cost of other's convenience or happiness could be considered a jerk thing to do. Even though they had not made any decisions about where to live or when to move, my sister told me no, I could not stay, it was too late, I had made my decision. I hurt her feelings so she hurt me back. So I left and rented an apartment. I was happy. I found a partner and we lived for several years in our own place. My sister married an old sweetheart and moved back to our home state. About four years ago I came to a place in my life where my relationship was stale and a great burden was placed on my daughter. My mom lived by herself in a condo a few towns away (about 50 miles). We occasionally talked, but my mom and I have had a strange relationship and many personality and belief clashes so we could go months without talking. I still loved her very much, and she loved me. I was not particularly a good daughter to her. She started to fall, and once cracked her head on pavement hard enough to send her to the hospital and leave a nasty scar. I wasn't there for that... I am often unreachable because I enjoy solitude and dislike talking on the phone. I have guilt and regrets. So she was sick and I needed a place to go so we packed up and moved into mom's place. I didn't work, mom paid for us to live with her, and I was there to take her shopping or to the doctor or whatever else. I was grateful, but extremely depressed, off of about $700 worth of medicine I lost coverage for when my partner lost their job a year before (I had gone part time to home school my daughter and lost my job in budget cuts). My mental health issues were a large part of why I needed to leave and they tend to cause a burden for others as well as myself. But at least my mom loved me. It was not great. I could have been a better daughter. I could have been a better person. Mom wanted me to file for disability but I was afraid of being labeled. There is a strong stigma against people with mental health issues, and no one ever seems to get what an desolate existence a person can be stuck in for any unknown length of time. But I also lacked the strength to leave the house a find yet another low income clinic in which I had to talk to doctors that don't really care or think you're trying to scam drugs or maybe don't even believe in the conditions they are supposed to be treating. The three of us lived in a two bedroom condo and a year later my sister and niece came to join us after a nasty divorce. Having them there was awful. My sister and I are more different in our later years than ever before, and our mental issues caused us to clash in ways that exacerbate our seemingly disparate personalities. Our only children of a large age gap clashed, we clashed, mom declined, it was just awful. My sister used to keep herself fairly together. She always pays bills first, doesn't take drugs (that aren't prescribed), doesn't sleep around... She does drink wine, though, which in the past has never been a problem. That seems to have changed since her marriage and subsequent divorce. Which I understand. I am not a prude. I am just reclusive and do not necessarily want to share my faults, weaknesses, or short comings with other people, even if they are my family. I don't drink much, though, and when she would drink her company was nearly unbearable. I finally had to tell her not to talk to me if she was going to drink, that she had to stop because it was horrible and we all hated it. I don't like giving ultimatums because I wouldn't like having them put on me. It was extremely awkward for me. She also made "friends" around the condos. These were guys my age that played guitar and such or some other slightly interesting thing. At first I thought this was a good thing... I couldn't bear her burden of living because I couldn't even bear my own. I was relieved when she made friends. At first. She found a soul mate that wasn't meant for her this lifetime, as she put it. That's all well and good, but one night she brought him home to our condo. Now, before you think the wrong thing, let me tell you that he was ill, he had "fallen" down the stairs at the end of his building, although there were strong implications that he was pushed. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung and was in pain. OK. But picture this... We are five females living in a small two bedroom condo. Five. Females. Our ages are 68, 46, 34, 16, and 7. There is no peace here, people. No. Peace. But you get used to it, when you are all just trying to get by. You make a sort of peace. When I got up in my underwear to get a drink in the middle of the night (like 2 AM) and open the door to find him and her cuddling on the couch, I lost my mind. I mean, that condo was our sanctuary, such as it was, from the outside world. It was common for my daughter to get up in her underwear and get a drink or maybe even steal a little alone time in the living room. Not to mention that my niece is totally confused and worried about her mom's weird behavior lately. And here was a stranger sitting on our couch, no warning, no nothing. I handled it wrong. I lost my temper. I slammed cabinet doors and banged pans until my sister was furious and walked him home. She still hasn't forgiven me for that. I am not sure that I have forgiven her. She couldn't connect with me and found someone else and was seething inside over the treatment he received at my hands. I will admit, I don't entirely disagree with her. I wish I had simply let it be, at least until morning. I wish I had had the graciousness to let everyone rest. I wish I had had the forethought to maybe just set an alarm so I could rouse them early enough that none of the others would have even known they were there. But I didn't. I was so incensed that she would violate our safety zone, the one refuge left to us. It was like we didn't even exist to her. And yet she is baffled by how heartless and uncaring I "have become." There have been other incidences to distance us although I doubt she would remember them due to her drinking. And I simply will not bring a litany of offences to her door; if she doesn't remember them it will only hurt her, and we have had plenty of grief to go around... I would say the worst thing for me since my mom died, other than the fact that I feel much younger and more vulnerable now, is that we are now no longer on speaking terms. My mom had talked about helping me move out for a few months before she died, I moved, I think my sister resented me again. I think my mom was trying to save me because she knew how absolutely miserable I was. She told me once that if she'd had any idea what it was going to be like she would never have told them they could come. That is a strong sentiment to come from my mom because she always took us in when we needed it. Immediately after my mom's death, everything was dropped on me because my sister was so overcome with grief. She had already been named executor by mom years before, and I had no problem with that. I also didn't mind taking charge. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, and my mom wouldn't speak to us about her final expenses paperwork (to this day I don't know why... I think it was too sad for her, she started getting confused, but in the past it wasn't a problem) so nothing could be done right away, it was stressful, and horrible, but it gave me a kind of purpose. But I had a new apartment in another town, a new job that let me stay weeks away to help her clean out the condo, and eventually was going to need a breather and to head back to my own place. That first week, when my daughter and I came back to help, she turned on me out of nowhere. It had my daughter boiling mad and locked in a bedroom and my niece was crying and hiding under furniture. Here's what happened. My sister had moved on from a long conversation about mom to grieving for Unwanted Couch Guy. He was a musician and had moved on to some other place and wouldn't return her calls or messages... I was trying very hard to focus on stuff on the internet because I was grieving for mom and was sick of hearing about her stupid guy problems. I know, I know, it's not stupid to her. And it's not stupid to me either, actually, because I do love her and care about her feelings. But between the drinking and the THOUSANDS of times I had had the same conversation with her I was fed up. So I stared very hard at something that I will never remember just to keep from blowing up on her. I was trying to manage no more than a mask of indifference, that was as close to not exploding as I could get, but I must have been scowling because out of nowhere her head turned in a mechanical fashion to gaze at me and she said, "You hate me. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!" She then proceeded to scream and wail and I was completely at a loss. I have no idea why that happened. I had, up to that point, been trying to at least politely agree with her and comment here and there so as to hide my disappointment in the conversation. Even had she realized I was not paying attention, I would never have thought that the crazy ass screaming and crying would have been pointed at me. I couldn't do it. I got a few of my own screams in because I was caught off guard and felt I had to try and defend myself Then I just went to mom's room, picked up a couple of her favorite dolls, a random pajama piece or some dirty clothing that smelled like mom and told her I was going home. I no longer wanted to be around her. My daughter was so overwhelmed by my sister's behavior that she has finally refused to have anything to do with her, and at that time was too stressed to stay with me while we sorted mom's stuff so I left her alone for days at a time to deal with the condo (a rental, we had to get out of). I guess what it boils down to is my sister wanted me to stay with her and I wanted to go. I stayed several days, but the first time I left to come home for a break from grieving and cleaning I really felt the change. I went from initiating necessary procedures to suddenly being told on a side note that such and such was about to be done or had already been done. Just like that... It was very hurtful. But OK. Then while I am there we proceed to talk about the only property my mom had, an old Honda. Even though my mother had told my daughter she would leave her the car, that was a private conversation and I didn't want to say, Mom told her she could have the car. Also, my sister is 47 years old and is going to have give her car back to her ex husband in a year or so if she can't pay it off. She also does not work. I thought I was being gracious when against my daughter's wishes (she is sad about my mom but also is protective of the only thing left of Nan's that she felt she had control over) I told my sister if she wanted it she could have it since she would be out of a car. She said she didn't want it and that my daughter could have it. I was relieved because I knew my daughter didn't want to give up the only thing left of my mom's that she had specifically been told she could have. So situation resolved, right...? In the mean time, my sister is in a very awkward and uncomfortable living situation with my aunt who is mostly estranged to us. She gets her part of a very modest insurance settlement and asks me to go in on a place with her. I say no... I have an apartment, a job, and I am starting school again in the fall. And I can't live with her again. Ever. Still she rents a $1600 a month condo (yes with no income) which is OK I guess because the owners know it and she intends to rent out rooms anyway (fairly easy to do at her location). Worst of all, she needs me. This makes me feel awful. I can't stand her grief right now. I can't take it. I would rather die. She begs me to come out there and be with her but I am exhausted and off my meds and the fact that we are not living under bridge right now is a miracle, my dad is helping me with rent, I am working... I can't bear one more burden right now. It is so painful for me to know she is in pain. It really is. I would never be OK with her hurting or feeling lonely. I just can't do it. Then my sister starts telling me that she can't believe our mom left something to my brother's son and nothing to our daughters. I didn't bring up the car b/c my brother signed off on any claim to it and we were supposed to come pick it up from my aunt's house. Then she says, hey, we should sell the car and split the difference between our two daughters, wouldn't that be a sweet thing to do? She hadn't read the message I last sent where I finally told her how I overwhelmed I felt. I told her I can't be there for her the way she wants me to and I am sorry. I told her I am weak and just do not have the strength. I told her it is all I can do to exist. I told her I love you and I am sorry... I responded with a "no" about selling the car. My daughter still wanted the car so I said I would pay her for half of what it is worth. She never got back to me, but the last thing she had said was my aunt wanted it gone (still parked in their yard). So I try to text her but she decides I have cut her off and so she must do the same to me. I finally write my aunt (I didn't have her #) and tell her I am sorry the car has been there so long and I will pick it up soon. To which she replies, Robyn has the car. Well of course she does. But she isn't talking to me so how would I know. We almost started talking again but she began posting thinly veiled stuff on Facebook about how if you really love someone, you are in their life, "no excuses." I want to say, "If I am not in your house I am not in your life???!" I want to say, "Almost completely dysfunctional bipolar with no meds managing to work at least part time and pay for gas and groceries and planning on finishing a degree is an EXCUSE? Because I couldn't meet YOUR needs I am no longer a part of your family? I must not have lost my mom a few months ago. I guess only my sister lost a mother. My aunt attempted to contact me and say I need to be there for my sister. Further letting me know she is going off about it, further letting me know that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. Further letting me know that because it soothes me to grieve in silence I seem to be an aberration to my family. Further letting me know that all this time when she acted like she understood the symptoms of my illness she was lying... which I already knew because she kept calling me selfish and lazy (and repeated it to and included my daughter). I am no dream to live with. I know this. I'm stubborn. I'm grouchy when I'm tired. I'm sloppy and occasionally a slob. It's one of the many reasons I so enjoy being on my own. My daughter and I get along well despite the fact that she is a teenager. We like ourselves, we like each other. There is no walking on eggshells because I have to constantly worry if what I say or do (or don't do) is going to be considered selfish or lazy. There are no hurt feelings because I prefer the solitude of my room over the company of anyone else present. There are no feelings of constantly letting someone down because you keep failing to meet expectations that you didn't even know you were supposed to strive for. I don't have to listen to hours of pornographic details about hookups that I am only listening to to be polite. I don't have to watch the horrible spiraling out of control that I am helpless to stop because I sliding down my own spiral. I rent a crappy one bedroom one bath cottage. A glorious, run down, leaks when it rains, the-owner's-garbage-pile-brings-rats 400 sq ft cottage. I am not blind to its faults. I do not plan to be here forever. But for now, it's mine. It's peaceful here. (And the piles are being cleaned up). Why can't she understand that our differences and misunderstandings are part of what drives me away? Why is the way I grieve not even a factor to her whilst I sit and contemplate her needs for hours? Why would she want to live with me when we were so miserable at the condo? I'd rather be alone... I know she was unhappy, too... I guess what this post comes down to is when I try to look for information regarding how people don't understand when you don't reach out to them or when you need time alone or simply cannot bear another burden what I actually find are all the people who are on the opposite side... I see people saying things like, "they won't communicate with me, they won't support me, my world is falling apart and they are not there for me." I read comments such as, "there is no excuse for them to not be there for you, unforgivable, how could they?" I have found, to my dismay,that siblings falling out of favor with each other is common after the death of a parent. What I have not found is someone like me who says, "I cannot bear this load, it is too much for me." Or, "A significant amount of solitude is the only thing that helps me show up to work and support my child." I seem to be the "bad" sibling... and I only feel bad about it because it hurts my sister's feelings. I don't actually feel bad for being who I am. I am happier on my own. I am tired of people making me feel like this is unreasonable... I like being free to be my own person by working and going to school. I like myself. I am just sad that I haven't found anyone who understands, apart from my own daughter, and I am not certain that counts. *TLDR - My sister seems to think she is the only one grieving, has stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend the time with her that she desperately needed. I cannot cope with her neediness and prefer long periods of solitude. Has anyone else been the one who needed to withdraw just to manage an existence on this planet? Were you ostracized for it?
  15. Hi, I'm Gia. I had a 19 year old brother, Gio. I am 13, a teenager. My brother and I were very close and shared everything. We had a rough past, and went through it together. We needed each other.. On August 26th, my brother died in his sleep. It's a generic thing that only will happen to him. His body shut down by his own tissue blockage and died in his sleep. My mother found him dead. I was at school when it happened. My mother came home at 10am to find him dead. My school gets out at 3pm, and I wasn't aware of the situation at all. It was the second day of school, and an ordinary day to me. I was walking with my BEST friend, and we were walking to my stepdad's car. I had opened my snapchat, to find a picture of my friend with a sad face and crying. I thought nothing of it, and thought she just had a bad day. I also recieved a text from my brothers girlfriend, saying "I love you so much, so so much." Again, I thought nothing of it, as she was very sweet and caring. My friend and I got in my stepdads car, and I could immediately tell he was acting funny. My stepdad is a loud person, kinda like a morning person. But, that day, he was very quiet as we drove home. I asked if my friend could come over, and he said no. I asked why, and he said "Honey, she can't." I was still confused, but didn't say anything else. My stepdad took a different way to my friend's house, as the path to her house usually passed mine, but I didn't think anything of it. We then dropped my friend off, and pulled up to our house. There were police cars everywhere, about 3 or 4 approximately. I was confused, very confused. I ran out of the car, and into the house. Tons, and TONS of my family members were there, and crying with tissues. They were all staring at me, and not saying a word. I felt so confused. "What happened?" I kept asking, and no one replied. My mom came through the hallway, and didn't say anything. My body was shaking, and I felt very nervous. "Mom, what happened?" I kept asking, and she kept saying, "Come into my room." On our way to my moms room, is my brothers room. There were police officers around it, and a doctor. I heard a machine, and instantly my mind went crazy. I knew from that moment, he was gone. We arrived into my moms room, and her close friends were inside. My mom said words I wish never had to exist or be said. I cried in her arms for an hour. From there, my world came crashing down. It was the worst time. School had just started, there was an important wedding coming up, and expensive concerts. Everything was a blur, and I felt crazy. I saw my brother's body, and I can never forget the picture. Sometimes in class it just pops up in my mind. It haunts me. I didn't think I would have a life after this happened. I thought I would be homeschooled, and have no friends. I gave up, really. I didn't think I can live without him. Here I am, almost 6 months (in 2 days it will be the 6 month anniversary) from his passing. I am a strong Christian, and that really helped me with this time. I had 'signs' as my family calls them, from my brother. If you've had any, I'd love to hear them from you, and share some of mine with you. I promise it will get better, it really will. And I reccomend going to a grief support group, or a grief share. At first I thought it was stupid, but it helped to know others are in my position. I wish you the best, whoever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
  16. I've never had an issue with anxiety until I lost my mom on Sept 8th 2014, and then my step-dad committed suicide after my mom's death on Nov 21 2014 ( he had been in my life since I was young). I lost my only sibling- when my little sister died in 2011, at age 34. I feel like I can't get a handle on my grief and the panic - which seems to hit me out of no where. My sister left behind my niece, who is now 7 years old. My mom and step-dad were raising her until my mom's cancer made her too sick. My mom died two weeks after diagnosis- she went very quickly. My niece came to live with us (we have 6 children ages 25, 22, 21, 20, 18 and 5 years old). My three oldest are boys, and they are all in the military (which doesn't help with anxiety). My niece has had to deal with these losses as well and I need to be able to not only help her function but I need to find my joy again, and I don't know how. We are in counseling and I am going to start doing GriefShare meetings. The last GriefShare meeting I went to - when I got home is when I found out my step-dad had killed himself. I don't like to take medications- I don't even have a doctor. Everything I do is natural / organic / homeopathic but I'm beginning to wonder if I should get on something temporarily, to help me get over these panic attacks / slump I'm in. I am a Christian and do pray and listen to Christian music- so I'm also clinging to my faith. Not sure if meds will work or what I'm doing wrong ..... I just know I can't keep going on with no sleep and feeling like I'm in 'Flight / Fight' mode all the time. Anyway, just kinda venting / looking for some support.
  17. Tomorrow, marks the 6 month anniversary of when I lost my oldest sister to suicide. After her passing, I knew things would never be the same, but I had hoped that time would help to heal those wounds. However, it hasn’t and I’m losing hope and patience. I wrestle almost daily, with emotions. The usual culprits after a passing – guilt, sadness, and anger. The logical side of my brain understands what happened and wants to heal, but the emotional side of my brain is much more powerful. When I try and interpret these emotions, I come out with this: Sadness – I understand it, and where it stems from ( missing my sister and seeing how much my family/her friends/her children are hurting). It’s also the one I feel I handle the best. I’ll let it out, even if it means I’m crying in the middle of a Luke Bryan tailgate. Guilt - The guilt stems from not being able to do more to help her, for not her hugging her the night she committed suicide because I was mad at her for upsetting the rest of my family, for not finding her that night (She kept telling us she was just going to go to a hotel so she could relax, we tried to look for her but were unsuccessful). I definitely still struggle with this, but for as hard as the guilt is to swallow, I just try and remind myself, that it doesn’t change anything, and that I am not 100% responsible for her actions. That leaves one emotion left, and it’s the one I struggle with the most. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I just cant’ seem to find a way to deal with the anger. And it’s widespread. Myself – For my role in letting this happen. For having anger, that others are following a different grieving process. For snapping at people who don’t deserve it My sister - Why did she have to do it? Why did she get to take the easy road? Why wouldn’t she get help? Why would she hurt her family so much? Why would she hurt her kids so much (even if the rest of the family was angry, her kids always loved her)? Didn’t she love me enough to see me get married one day, to see me chase a dream, to see me give her a niece or nephew? My parents, particularly my mom – I cannot imagine, losing a child. And I get that the weight on her from this, is much higher than what it is for me. But I can’t help but feel like she has given up on me, and my other sister. While we are adults, I still don’t think it’s acceptable. Everyday isn’t horrible, but my mom has been horrible for the most part since her passing. By horrible, I mean sad & or angry. With her anger, I’m constantly made to feel like I am never good enough. That no matter how hard I try, I’m not going to ever bring her happiness. With her sadness, it’s just a complete shutout. I beg her to tell me how to help her, and all I get is radio silence. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’ve tried talking to a therapist, but her advice was useless. She wanted me to find a healthy activity (e.g. Go take a walk). That’s all stuff I could have googled & have tried, but guess what the problem is still there after the walk, the exercise class, the drawing. With a small income, I’m not going to pay people $200/session for useless advice. Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this?
  18. Big Sister Died Suddenly

    My older sister died in her sleep just over a week ago and I'm having a really difficult time. I'm so worried about my parents and little brother that I feel like I can't talk to them about how I feel and I worry my boyfriend will get tired of me just being sad all the time. I miss her so much and I'm having trouble imagining a "new normal". Everything I've read says you never stop grieving, your grief just becomes more manageable, I guess. It's strange but I just get angry that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It sounds selfish but I just miss her and everything hurts so much that I can't imagine it just being like this forever. I don't know how to deal with the fact that someone who was supposed to grow old with me is gone...
  19. Hi, On May 2, 2014, my sister went to her Oral surgeons office for the 1st procedure of 3 to get dental implants. While there, her oxygenation level dropped twice. Both times it happened, they stopped working and her levels went back up. Then it happened for a 3rd time and she went in to anaphylactic shock and cardiac arrest. She was transported to a hospital where they resuscitated her. After about 5 minutes, she coded again and they were able to resuscitate her again. She is my only sister and she was 56 years old. She is married and has a 21 year old in college. From that point, the doctors were not optimistic at all. They said she went to long with out oxygen. She didn't wake within the 1st 48 hours. Not a good sign. Then they said to give it another 3 - 5 days. While we waited for her to wake, she was finally stable enough to move. They took her for a CT scan and the news was devastating. Her prognosis was "persistent vegetative state," with NO chance of recovery. She passed away on May 23rd. I've managed to handled all of the details in regards to her service and burial. But then the coroners office got involved since it was a death of "unusual circumstances." So now we wait. We are now waiting on the coroner to determine cause of death. Then we will be able to bury her. I will say, I can't wait to get my hands on the coroners report. I still struggle to believe that any of this has happened! I miss her so much! flwrjunke
  20. Grieving Never Ends

    I know now that my grief on losing siblings will never end. It hasn't, not in years. It changes, and sometimes it doesn't visit until I lie down to sleep at night. Some days, it seems to have lifted and I can feel happy and content, remembering them, feeling the love they had felt for me and then, often, dreaming about them too helps. But sudden tears happen at odd times, without even having knowingly thought about how much I miss them. The feeling of no longer quite belonging to this world, since we three were so close, and I have never felt as close to anyone else. I know I never will. Intimacy, the closeness of complete trust and open-hearted love, unconditionally, was the bedrock of our relationships. Siblings are the only ones we expect to accompany us all throughout life, after all. The only ones who've known and loved us as children or babies, teenhood, and through life's phases. The ones who are supposed to be there in the future, through old age. It feels like the gravity is missing and I'm just floating through some kind of dimension, not like the full-fledged real life I had before. I feel isolated, like there is no one I can call, not ever again, who will truly connect with me on a soul-level. The "survivor guilt" is a part of this loss, I suppose, but it's really more of a feeling that nothing is right, nothing feels complete, and I just feel lost. It does not get better with time, although grief shifts and changes in it's expression and in intensity. It's always there and happiness is never going to be as complete again. This much I know. I accept it. But the sadness seems unbearable sometimes, and I'm glad I have found your forum. Only those who have lost siblings truly understand.
  21. Recovering from loss

    This past June my sister was killed. That morning I saw her, happy and well, then 14 hours later in the morgue. The next few weeks we had many family and friends visit and the sympathy that our community showed was truly touching. But of course everyone soon returned to their lives and everything seemed to become normal again. Anne's death is a loss which I could never have imagined. We had grown from bickering children to become very close as adults. She was the closest and most important important person in my life, and I can never recover the love and support she gave me. Many people have told me that time heals all and assured me that someday happiness will return. 6 months later it's true that the crying has mostly stopped, but in other ways it's worse than ever. Crying felt fulfilling because I was expressing my love for her. Now she's just gone. Things that I used to enjoy don't make me happy anymore. I enjoy seeing my friends but I find the initiative to call them up less and less frequently. Although I'm not thinking about Anne all the time I find it hard to focus so my work and relationships are suffering. Every day I go through the motions of living a normal life but can't shake the feeling that I'm a fraud. Perhaps I need to let go in order to move forward, but I don't want to let go.
  22. Sister Dying of Cancer..

    Hi.. I'm new to this whole forum thing, but am unsure who to talk to about all of the feelings I have been having, My sister is 20yo and is battling cancer. She was diagnosed at age 12 and has been in remission up until a few months ago. Her cancer is back, and it's back with avengence. It has spread throughtout her brain and is now in her cerebellum which is causing her to have trouble walking. I am overwrought with guilt because my husband and I recently moved 2.5 hours away from our hometown and I am not able to be there like i want to be.I cannot help my aging parents, give my Mom a hug on her bad days, or even sit with my sister to give them a break from the daunting days, I feel alone and stranded with my pain. Often times I hold my feeling in or lash out on a loved one, neither are very helpful. I can't imagine life with my parents being heart broken. I feel as if I can deal with her death, but not the feelings afterward. I dont want her to suffer, I dont want her to fall, I dont want her to forget everything shes seen or heard in the last 10mins, I just want her to be ok, resting, in no pain or sorrow.. but where will that leave the rest of us? What will happen to our family when she's gone? The docs are trying some "experimental" things, but I dont feel very hopeful. I pray that they can take this cancer away once more, but feel as if it has progressed beyond their control. I dont understand why there isnt a cure or why certian people get cancer. I dont understand why shes the one who has cancer, we are made up of the same DNA, am I doomed? is this my future? I have so many questions but no answers. I would love to hear any advice or tips on dealing with this. it seems utterly impossible... Stephanie
  23. Monday July 22 my sister walk into her home and collapsed from a heart attack the last time we spoke was a year and seven months prior at my grandmothers funeral she hugged me for the last time. We haven't been on good terms for along time but id forgiven her. Now I fall to peace over little things that don't matter I can't keep going like this. Everytime I feel like I'm ready to move on I fall apart again .
  24. My younger sister died a little under 3 months ago in a tragic accident. She was 20 and it was a month after my 22nd birthday. We were like most siblings, close but drove each other crazy. We are very different people and so didn't get along as children (often bickered but still played together) but as adults, were just coming into a new relationship where we would spend time with each other and have coffee dates and set aside time to enjoy each other's company. She was also engaged to be married in a year and I was her maid of honour. I'm really struggling with a lot guilt right now. Some survivor guilt but mostly guilt over our relationship. Days before she died, she and I got into a fight over the dumbest thing. The fight was entirely my fault and I apologized the next day and she forgave me and we moved forward, but it is hard for me to deal with the memory of that fight. I know all was forgiven and we were chatting lots and planning our next movie date in the days leading up to her passing but I still have residual feelings of guilt. I'm having a hard time convincing myself that she knew how much I love her and how much she has always meant to me, particularly since most of the arguments/disagreements we had over the last while were due mostly to my poor reactions to things and stressors I was undergoing. I keep trying to remind myself that our relationship was complex and both the fights and the love are what made it wonderful, but it is hard when you think you didn't deserve the amazing sister you had. I just wish I had taken the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me before her passing - I was saving it for the speech at her wedding... Anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with or address this type of guilt?