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Found 59 results

  1. My mom died suddenly on Friday February 9th 2018. I can't breathe. I don't know what I am doing. I can't describe this feeling I have. She was 55. I am 28. You see, shes been suffering from MS, diabetes, a heart condition and was always struggling with over the counter meds. Was an alcoholic when I was younger. For years I took care of her. I moved close to her and would do just about anything For her. These last 2 years have been some of the best and worst of my life. First off she was notorious for not taking csre of herself. They first few years of her diabetes diagnosis was incredibly rough. She didn't change her diet, never took her meds. It became so critical she went into sever renal faliure and almost died. She started doing better but then got diagnosed with MS. The muscles in her legs started to fail and one day she fell. Hit her head. I found her on the floor and I thought then she was dead it was over. But they brought her back to me again and we had 2 great years. The best I've seen her. Had some amazing times together. So when this happened I thought it would be the same. When I came by she looked asleep. Nice and peaceful so I was going leave her be. Something screamed at me to check her. She wasnt breathing. No pulse. I called 911, they talked me through CPR. They arrived, took over and I waited in the hall. That was it. 20 min of trying and she was gone. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done. I didn't called her for 2 days, I saw her 3 days before and she said she wasn't feeling well but she had a doctors appointment coming up and not to worry. I know I can't think of all the "what if" but I can't help it. And now shes gone and I have no idea what the hell I am doing. One minute I am okay, then I cant breath. I cry till theres nothing left. Then I feel empty and my thoughts are everywhere. I don't know what life is going to be like with out my mom. She was my best friend. A rocky relationship but we had each others backs. She was the strongest person I have even known and I can't do this without her. I feel like there's a huge hole and everything is just pouring out of it. You would think knowing shes not suffering anymore would help. Sometimes I does. But then it doesn't and just want her here. I don't know what I am doing.
  2. I just wanted to share this. Perhaps some of you have had this happen as well. Bare with my first few paragraphs, the dream is coming up. My mother and I were very close. Dad died when I was 19 months old and mom never re-married. She couldn't accept that anyone else was as good as my Dad. She was the epitome of a mother. Even into my adult years, she would try and "mother me". Dropping everything if I was sick or needed help. As an only child, we has each other, despite a very large extended family. In 2008, she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and given 6 months to live. It was, of course, shocking, terrifying and confusing. Long story short, I fired her doctors and got more opinions, she lived 5-1/2 years. A gift. She got to know her only grand child, and was so proud of being a grandmother, or "Memere" to those of the French-Canadian heritage. I became the parent. She asked me to make all of her medical decisions and I did just that to keep her protected from all the bad news, prognosis and terrible things coming her way. The last 7 months of her life were spent in a nursing home. I could not physically care for any more, which I did for so long. Cancer spread to her brain and she still wanted to fight, enduring whole brain radiation 5 days per week for 3 weeks. Her first day back in the chemo chair, she decided she had enough and half way through the 6 hour infusion, we left the cancer center for the last time. I cried like a baby on the ride back to the nursing home, holding her hand and finally breaking down after 5 long years of not showing how scared I was. I had always reassured her the entire time that she would be okay. I would be strong with her, then go home and cry. We held hands on that ride home and I was finally able to tell her how much she meant to me and how fortunate I was to have been blessed with her as my mother. Even though I had been with her the entire time and put my life on hold, it was only then that I decided we could have that conversation. She knew her time was coming to an end. I quit my job and was at the nursing every day multiple times. As she declined, again, I was more of a parent than a child. First, bringing her delicious food form the outside world, to feeding her pudding and thickened water. With all the pain meds and the brain cancer itself, we werent able to communicate for the last 3 or 4 weeks of her life. But I would sit and talk with her, announce the RedSox game out loud as it was happening (she was a big fan) and just hold her hand, on so many lonely, quiet days and nights of her sleeping 24x7. Years ago my mother would use a cassette tape recorder to document family visits and events like birthdays, anniversaries etc. This was before camcorders even. The last few nights before her passing, I would play tapes of my grandmother playing the piano and singing with other family members. One night, we were alone in her room and I got up to get something off a table in the corner. I heard my mother moaning and quickly turned around, completely scared she was in pain... asking "mom are you okay? whats wrong?". She has no reply, but as I leaned in close to her face, I realized that she was trying to sing along with her mother on the tape. Tears overwhelmed as I knew she could still hear, which means that maybe she could hear the things I would say to her. I held me mothers hand the morning she passed. She fought it for a while, gasping for air. She would stop breathing for a few minutes, which seemed like forever, then she would start breathing again. As I whispered over and over in her ear how much I loved her... I realized she was staying for me. She was always fearful to leave me behind, asking everyone else what would happen to me when she is gone. Once i told her it was okay to go, I would be okay and we would see each other again soon, she took two more breaths and rose up to her Heavenly father. Two nights after she died, I had a dream that was so vivid and I remember every detail, 5 years later. I was in what seemed like a hospital. The Looking around, there were 3 or 4 floors, like catwalks around the sides with rooms. The ceiling was 40 or 50 ft high and most everything was white. Walls, floors, etc. My mother was sitting up in a hospital bed with white sheets and blankets neatly folded over her waist. She had a white gown on and hair! Yes, hair. Mom was bald when she died. In the dream, she had a full head of perfectly permed hair. Nothing was out of place. She also had the biggest smile, teeth showing, from ear to ear. She just stared at me, not saying a word. Suddenly I saw this short, bald doctor with glasses. He was holding a metal clipboard. He looked down at some papers on it, and said "your mom is't sick anymore, she doesn't have cancer". After his words, I looked at mom on more time, and we spoke a thousand words without saying a thing. It was the weirdest thing. It's as if she was showing off or had won the lottery. She was so proud of being pain free and wherever she was and proud that she got to come tell me she was okay. I woke up and realized that if anyone would beg God to let someone know they are okay, it would be her. I have had 2 or 3 very odd experiences that are hard to explain to "reality", so I choose to believe it was her, somehow. To those of you grieving a parent or loved one, know that there IS another place, which I call Heaven.I am not overly religious. I am Catholic but don't go to church much. I was taught that something like this wasn't possible. But let me tell you, the love I felt in that dream was nothing less than my mother or God himself being merciful to me. Call it what you will, God, energy, Spiritual connections, there is life after death. Look for the signs, be open minded and you will feel the presence of your loved one when you least expect it. Peace
  3. Hello, I am new here and I could really use an ear. I found out that my dad passed away this morning, just two months after my mom passed away. I have always compartmentalized my emotions around others but since my mom passed, my fear of letting my emotions out has turned into major anxiety. I am not slepeing well. Last night I was up most of the night with anxiety and then got the news about my dad this morning and I have felt like a zombie all day. I am in shock. How do I learn go just let my emotions out? My parents and I were not the closest, a rough childhood but they are my parent. I love them and can't in two months I lost them both. As a mom, it breaks my heart that my kids lost two grandparents so close together. Is anxiety normal? I guess more than anything, I feel lost, scared and shocked.
  4. Hello. My name is Agness. I've been to Disney Land with my family not long ago. I'm married and we have a small daughter Anny. We've been walking whole day, our little girl bought the whole Disney Land. And after a long day, there was a feeling of heaviness or pain in the legs and in the head. I was really exhausted. The feeling is quite unpleasant and brings discomfort. At these moments I mainly wanted to lie down and relax. There are many different ways to let your feet rest. And of course, I know some secrets. I often keep my feet in cool water, in water with sea salt. Also, I use special creams, I do or make trays or baths with special components. And after the baths, I use a foot massager. It well enhances the effect of other means. Since I do the pedicure by myself, I visit salon rarely. The massager my master pedicure advised me and I began to look for a shop where I can buy it. Then I've noticed one source , started to explore it and it was really useful. Due to fairly accurate characteristics, I spent only 2 hours to choose it. Now my weekdays are much more pleasant and easier. I'm going to give the same massager to my mom, as she is a pharmacist and she is always on her feet.
  5. My mom died 5 months ago and I am really struggling. I have always lived with my mom and when I bought my house, she stayed with me. I went from a child living at home to an adult eventually who needed to take care of mom. I have no children or husband, it was just us (I do have siblings that are both married with kids and lives) and over the last several year I was her caregiver, especially this last year. Even had a full handicap bathroom installed in my living room with intention to have her move her bedroom downstairs into the living room. The bathroom was finished the day before she went into the hospital and she died 4 days later. She never used it. Today is January 1 and I have been off a week for the holiday break and go back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, because I know people will expect me to be back to my old self, which I don't think will ever happen. For the last month some people would say "I look better" I don't even know how to react to this comment. It's like they think I had the flu or something and now I am better. Meanwhile, I feel horrible, no motivation and I feel very disconnected to daily living. So it is kind of confusing when they say I look better and yet I feel terrible. The latest comment was "well just get through the holidays and then its a New Year." Um, yes but that hasn't changed a thing for me. Also, I am not sure I want to go back to the person I was and "feel good" is that weird. I am almost afraid to lose the raw feeling I have now. I don't want to get use to her not being here. Okay, sorry, I am all over the place with my thoughts. Just needed to share. thanks
  6. My mom died 5 months ago and I am really struggling. I have always lived with my mom and when I bought my house, she stayed with me. I went from a child living at home to an adult eventually who needed to take care of mom. I have no children or husband, it was just us (I do have siblings that are both married with kids and lives) and over the last several year I was her caregiver, especially this last year. Even had a full handicap bathroom installed in my living room with intention to have her move her bedroom downstairs into the living room. The bathroom was finished the day before she went into the hospital and she died 4 days later. She never used it. Today is January 1 and I have been off a week for the holiday break and go back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it, because I know people will expect me to be back to my old self, which I don't think will ever happen. For the last month some people would say "I look better" I don't even know how to react to this comment. It's like they think I had the flu or something and now I am better. Meanwhile, I feel horrible, no motivation and I feel very disconnected to daily living. So it is kind of confusing when they say I look better and yet I feel terrible. The latest comment was "well just get through the holidays and then its a New Year." Um, yes but that hasn't changed a thing for me. Also, I am not sure I want to go back to the person I was and "feel good" is that weird. I am almost afraid to lose the raw feeling I have now. I don't want to get use to her not being here. Okay, sorry, I am all over the place with my thoughts. Just needed to share. thanks
  7. My parents passed away very close together (October and November) and I've already had to experience my first Christmas and Thanksgiving without them around. I've been feeling numb on and off ever since this all happened and now I keep crying on and off. I went bowling tonight with my godfathers family among a couple family members of my own, and that distracted me for awhile. But now that I'm home my emotions are starting to settle in... Christmas wasn't good this year, but this feels even worse. If things had worked out for the better, I'd be sitting in my grandma's dining room playing Dominos with my mom and a few other family members, while my dad lays on the floor and just chills with us. I don't even know anymore. Their absence hits even harder bc usually I'd spend New Years with fewer family members than Christmas. We'd go out to dinner and then watch the ball drop on the TV at my grandma's. I'd be with my brother, grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. Including me, that's six of us. But my grandpa passed away 3 years ago and now that my parents are gone, that means half of our New Year's crew is missing. I'm home all by myself with my brother who I have never gotten along with, and my grandma went to bed when we took her home from bowling. I don't know what to do because frankly, whenever I cry I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm also not sure whether I want to be alone, or with someone. I'm capable of driving, but I'm not sure if I'd want to go anywhere to see anyone as the weather is sorta crappy and I'm a bit of a new driver. I also can't really think of anyone who's really worth spending this holiday with. I don't know I just feel really alone but also stuck and I'm probably just being depressing but I seriously can't believe I'm going into 2018 without my parents.
  8. My mother was born with a hole in her heart and had multiple surgeries to fix it when she was young. But 2 years ago, she had a stroke. It caused her to be forgetful, confused and she lost the use of her left side. But she was so strong. She got so much better. 6 months ago, she had another stroke. This one did a lot more damage. By the time the surgeries were finished and the brain swelling went down, she was brain dead. She cannot walk, talk and shows no recognition of my face nor my family's face. She's been like this with no improvement for a while but the holidays are near and all the feelings I avoided feeling 6 months ago are coming to me know. I just feel so sad. I hope things get better but I guess I won't know until something happens. I'm 22 and I don't know what to do or how to feel.
  9. Hello everyone. I lost my mother yesterday. She had cancer and was going to undergo chemotherapy. But she decided that her life was not going to be worth fighting this terrible disease and she ended it. It was unfortunately a most horrific way to go(I won't go into any details now). She left her husband,daughter and her son(me). I am 23 years old and just getting around to starting my life and now I have to do it without her. I miss her so much. I can't put my pain into words.
  10. Well I don't have anyone else to let it out to at this time, so I think I'm gonna post it here. It all happened way too fast. My mom was ill for a long time, with pulmonary fibrosis and pulmonary hypertension. She passed away on October 11th this year in the hospital due to respiratory failure. Even though I knew it was bound to happen, it was way too fast and unexpected, especially since my dad decided to make a quick decision to take her off life support. A week or so after, my family decided that my dad should go into Hospice since he was terminally ill with esophageal cancer (diagnosed in May). Not only that, but he was also going downhill and lost his will to live 'cause of his grief for Mom, and I could barely manage to take care of him anymore. He passed away on November 6th. I was both their caretakers for quite awhile. Here I am going through this at only 18 years old during my first semester of college. I feel lost and I don't know what to do, life feels purposeless.
  11. Hello everyone. I'm deeply saddened by all of the stories I've read on this website. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones in any capacity. But as we all know, all too well, suicide is the worst way to lose someone. Carry on dear brothers and sisters. I know it is so tiresome and demoralizing, always wondering when a wave is going to take you down. Always carrying this burden that is so hard to express. But our grief must be acknowledged. It is a patient thing. Always waiting for us. So I encourage you to live your life, but acknowledge the grief. Don't try to push it back at all times. I can't presume to give too much advice, as I am still right there in the battle with all of you, so long after my mom's passing. I lost my Mom over 5 years ago to suicide- September 4, 2012. I was 22 and finishing my last semester of college at the time. Approx. 3 hr drive from my hometown in south Georgia. My sweet mom struggled with mental illness her whole life. My dad is a wonderful man and did the best he could have done with an impossible task of taking care of her. She struggled with anxiety and severe anorexia and depression. She was 5'2" and probably weighed 80 lbs for most of her life. Skin and bones. She felt the compulsive need to exercise everyday. Walking miles upon miles. Usually 20-30 miles everyday around local neighborhoods. She hated herself and her body. Somehow despite all logic and reality she saw herself as fat and ugly when she was too skinny and beautiful. I knew my mom was different and growing up with her was difficult as a child and young man. It was frustrating and heart breaking to me. I just wanted my mom to be normal and to be fully present. I understand her so much better now that I'm older. I so wish I could talk to her again. She loved me so much. My parents were married in 1988 and after a couple miscarriages, I was born. My mom called me her miracle. I was her and my dads only child. I don't think it would be possible for a mom to love her son more. Or my dad for that matter. I tried so hard growing up to be the perfect son. I loved my mom so much. But it was hard, anything that stressed her out was met with anger and overreaction. No matter how much love and effort my dad and I poured into her life, she was like a black hole, sucking it all up and only becoming bigger and stronger. I hate mental illness so much. It is the worst thing to watch someone you love more than anything struggle against something you can't see or fully understand. Despite the efforts of my family and all the people that loved her, my mom just got worse and worse with time. Instead of being her sweet, caring, funny self for 15% of the time, it would be 10% and lower and lower. Over her lifetime she went to a few therapy centers. She had therapists on and off for a lot of her life. Nothing could bring about lasting change. Nothing could overcome her self-hatred. It is a truly sad situation. Her younger brother committed suicide in 2007, after living a double life of partying and having a second relationship/family to his main wife and children was exposed. This was very hard for my mom. I remember her getting the call and her reaction. Just awful. Her identical twin sister committed suicide in 2010 or 2011. She struggled with alcohol and drug addiction, had gone thru a divorce, and was not a very good mom to her two children. It felt like and inevitability that Mom would die after that. Thankfully mom did not struggle with drugs or alcohol, but her mental battles were just as severe. I don't think any of my moms brothers and sisters got the love and attention they needed growing up. Things were never good enough for my grandparents. I am not mad at them these days, my grandparents were young and ignorant. Trying to make themselves look good by having perfect children. They have suffered enough losing 3/5 kids and now in 2014 a week after my wedding, my cousin committed suicide. So 3 kids and a grandchild. The youngest of two kids of my aunt. I think he could not forgive himself for being distant from his mom at the time of her suicide. I don't know. It's a truly sad family to be a part of. I'm really only in touch with the older sister of my cousin who died in 2014. It is hard for everyone to be in touch as there is only sadness to dwell on for that side of the family. So on that fateful day when I received a phone call with my dad crying and yelling, I knew. I knew before I answered. So strange to me, but I knew when I got a call during class, before I called him back and had that horrible conversation walking thru my college campus like a zombie, saying it's ok it's ok til the words didn't even mean anything. My mom shot herself in my childhood home and my dad found her after work. I had not talked to my mom for a couple weeks. I had left her a couple voicemails but she never returned my calls. That was unlike her although we did not talk everyday in college and could go a week or so without speaking if she was having a hard time. It is still hard for me to not remember a final conversation with her. I packed my things and drove home the day I found out. Spent a week at home with family and friends. At that time I was somewhat distant from her. Somewhat disconnected from her situation and immediate mental health. It was a hard time for us, as any time we talked things would turn to how she was having a hard time and she would cry and complain to me on the phone. The older I got, the more of a counselor I was to her rather than a son. Studies kept me busy, but I think once I had moved away from home, it was hard for me to be as there for her. I can only hope that she knew how much I loved her. It still shocks me today as I realize more and more through my pain, how deeply I loved her. I would have done anything for her. I tried to be the best I could be for her at all times. Never got into any trouble growing up. Never rebelled despite the frustration in my heart. I reduced my social interaction and didn't have friends over much, came home early. Anything to make her less anxious and happier, I did. I hope she did not die feeling alone and unloved. I think she knew she was loved. She just felt like such a burden and hated herself. In some ways she was a burden, and there was some rest/peace in not seeing/hearing her struggle immediately after her death. But never never never would I have traded her or wanted to lose her, no matter how bad she became. It hurts me deeply thinking about her mental state at the end of her life. After the funeral, I went back to college the next week and finished my semester. I think I may have cried one time during the week of her death. I was in complete shock without even knowing it. I didn't know what to think and couldn't understand why I could not feel emotion or receive comfort. I did not see her body, I told myself that I wanted to remember her as she was, not as lifeless. Perhaps that was wise, but I think it also allowed me to not accept that it had happened. That it was real. Two weeks after her death, I interviewed for a company who eventually offered me a job. A year after she died I proposed to my girlfriend of 5ish years and we were married in June 2014. My life was so filled with busy-ness and change, nothing to remind me of my mom. But I was unhappy in a way I didn't understand. I still felt no emotion about my mom and rarely thought about it. My wife and I moved back to my hometown right before we were married to be closer to family and because I was unhappy. Eventually my dad remarried and sold my childhood home around March 2016. It was at that time that I received a lot of my moms old things. Things she had made, her bible, precious things she had saved from my childhood. Photos. God, so many photos. It was at that moment in my life that grief became real to me. About 3.5 yrs after my death I learned what grief was. The walls of protection that my mind had unconsciously put up were broken. I have never cried so violently and mindlessly. It was a hard time for me and my wife. It was so odd to be deeply grieving someone who had died so long ago. All of her other loved ones and friends had already processed their feelings and been comforted. I told those I was closest to, but other than my dad no one could understand on a deep level. I was so sad to realize I could never talk to her again, walk with her again, eat her baking again, etc. All of the normal things you grieve immediately after someone dies. Over the last 6 months I have been going to grief counseling. It is hard for me and makes me anxious every appointment. But it has uncovered many things and continues to uncover things. There are so many layers to grief. It can be disheartening, it is certainly overwhelming. I had a conversation with my dad this past week to fill in the gaps of my memory about the last bit of her life and her mental state. My dad and I are close, but that was a hard conversation. It went very well, but made me remember so much and gave me so many new things to be sad over. I wrote down everything he said so I would not forget it, but I am too scared to process how it makes me feel. I am relieved to have it written down, because it is a burden not remembering things. But I know how strongly I feel about it and have been avoiding the emotions. I have probably drank too much over the last couple of days. Sort of in a downward spiral at the moment. Not sure how to pick myself up and go back to healing again. I was doing so well and making progress with many things before this week. I feel derailed right now. I'm not suicidal, but I am always so very weary of carrying this weight. I long to die and be in heaven with my mom. I wish God would come and take me now. Feeling this way is heart breaking to me because I am a man of faith and I love my wife so very much. God has used her to minister and heal my hurt so much since our marriage. I want to get past my grief and anxiety, so that I can be the best husband to her and the best father to our future children. While I don't understand my mom's reduced and painful life or her death, I believe in God. I have a hard time reconciling things that the Bible says when it doesn't seem to match my reality. But I have felt God comfort me in my grief. I have felt his love for me and for my mom. I would often pray growing up for peace and strength to be the best son I could be. He never answered my prayers for my mom, but he answered my prayers for myself and my dad so often. I am very conflicted these days, feeling so tired and hopeless, yet having so much that I could/should be hopeful and joyful about. So many of your situations are so much more tragic and many of you are enduring things with less support than I have. I don't know how you do it, but I take heart in it. I hope I can shed this strength-sapping, bone-breaking weariness that is always with me. I am so tired of it. Much love and support to all of you. Thank you for your time if you managed to read all of this.
  12. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  13. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  14. I lost my mom 3 months ago to lung cancer.. One day she was home and getting better, then 4 days later she was gone.. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I'm have an extremely hard time coping. It seems like the more time that passes, the more it hurts. I find myself dreading getting out of bed, having anxiety being around people even my husband or family members, and having thoughts of hurting myself frequently..
  15. Usually when I talk about my mom, the tears come. Doesn't matter what the subject is, the instant I think about her, tears come. I can be anywhere. Then today, even though I spent a bit of the morning tearing from memories of her, I managed to get stuff done and then had to see to a customer. While I was chatting with him about work, my mom came up in conversation and no tears. I don't know if it's cos I was tearing this morning or because I was in "work" mode but nothing came. I don't know if I should be upset or okay with it.
  16. I lost my mom a year and a half ago; it still hasn't felt that long. I've honestly been too busy with life or too busy being angry, mainly with my sister. You see my sister and I have been grieving quite differently. I was a bit closer with my mom and my sister was sort if...a mess. So it was too little too late to really patch anything up. Fast forward to my sister moving across the country to live in the same city as me and for a few months we lived together and it sucked after my mom died we were complete strangers. The reason I am so fucking pissed... My mom wanted to write a book about her life, my sister and I both had the idea (very separately) to write it. At the beginning we said we would write it together and because of our weird dynamic I sat by myself to make notes and my thoughts on it and decided maybe bring it up when we didn't want to kill each other. We have talked a bit and wanted to spend time reconnecting but I feel I have just opened up myself to a world of hurt. She mentioned just a week ago that she's been writing mom's book and when she's done she would like my input. My first thoughts were, "Oh, thanks! I'm so happy I can have input on my mother." I makes me feel less important, like I'm some outsider and I feel very lonely. She doesn't ask me how I am and I can't talk to her about my grief because she doesn't listen genuinely and even over the phone I can hear her eyes glaze over and feel her mind wander. I usually get a, "just ask mom for a sign, she listens." Well great, as long as I talk to the air and imagine my mom life will be just fine. Why am I going home for Christmas?
  17. My mom passed away unexpectedly on July 9th, 2017 (a month ago). She was 64. I was the one who found her... I went to wake her up to watch TV & ask what she wanted for dinner... But she was gone... Since she passed away, I've been feeling anxiety about my dad... I've feel anxiety/fear at night after he goes to bed... I don't know how to stop being scared of finding my dad gone too...
  18. Hello all, my mother just passed away June 29,2017... that night my world shattered to pieces.. she was not only my mother, she was also my best friend... my better half.. I feel like I should have seen the signs.. she had copd and kept falling.. about ten times in two weeks.. the one day she woke up having a severely hard time breathing.. I called the ambulance and got us to the hospital.. she was in and out of consciousness.. about an hour later I had to put her on a ventilator.. her heart rate eventually spiked to 165bpm and her blood pressure dropped to 80/50... they decided to take her to icu.. unfortunately on the way her heart stopped and they gave cpr.. the nurse came out and told me that she had a pulmonary embolism.. within an hour she was brain dead and in a coma.. they were giving her every possible medicine they could to keep her alive.. as much as I wanted and needed her to stay here with me I had to remember the promise I made to her "that I would never let her suffer" and so I did the most selfless thing that I have ever done, I took her off life support.. she passed within twenty minutes.. since then I have done all that I could to stay strong.. but it's just not that easy for me.. today has been an especially hard day.. everything I see or/and hear is reminding me of her.. I hold so many regrets.. can anybody give me any advice or tips on how to get through this a little smoother
  19. Hello all, my mother just passed away June 29,2017... that night my world shattered to pieces.. she was not only my mother, she was also my best friend... my better half.. since then I have done all that I could to stay strong.. but it's just not that easy for me.. today has been an especially hard day.. everything I see or/and hear is reminding me of her.. I hold so many regrets.. can anybody give me any advice or tips on how to get through this a little smoother
  20. Hi .. hope we all are well , I just found this one Google and I'm glad because I feel like I'm going out my mind this is so long and might not make sense but hopefully it will .. so I was bought up in the care system all my life .. I met my mom once when I was 16 .. my relationship with her and her side of the family and my dad all went out of the window when I told them I was gay they all froze me out and never spoke to me again On the 5th July 2017 my mother passed away , I was told this by a Facebook status and only found out because my mind friend had messaged me and told me . All these feelings started to overwhelm me .. so anyway I sat there thinking what can I do as all my family literally blocked me on Facebook.. so I called the hospital late that night just wanting to know if they still had her body there which they did .. so basically the next day I drove 4 hrs to go to the hospital to the mourge to see my mom .. I got there and spoke to her nurse who told me she had been in there for a couple of months not all bad days .. just the day she died she went down hill rapidly .. the nurse even told me that she asked my mom's sister to tell me to come down to say my goodbye but clearly she didn't..i was told months ago about her being I'll by the same friend but she was at home as I was aware otherwise I would have gone ..so I went to see her .. she looked so peaceful all I could do is rub her head and tell her how much I love her and kissed her head a few times .. if I'm honest I just wanted to lay down next to her and cuddle her..i didn't want her to be alone in there .. I literally saw her about 17 hrs after she died so it was pretty soon after .. I'm devastated and heartbroken ..i miss her .. I wanna be able to tell her I love her and see her smile .. the reason I had to go because I knew once she left the hospital her sister wouldn't tell me anything about what funeral home she was at .. the nurse already told me she isn't inviting me to the funeral.. so that's why I went .. I really can't get out my head what I saw .. I miss her and can't sleep .. I don't care that she hated me forme being gay .. but I just want to hold her .. sorry if I've repeated bits or it makes little sense I'm heartbroken and deverstatex feel sad and lost also my this is personal but my brother was with her and he's been in prison since the age of 13 till 35 and he was there with her when she died .. I feel he didn't deserve to be I did ..and then yesterday he posted a picture of him leaning over her kissing her on her head minutes after she died to he's snap chat .. told by the same friend and sent the picture.. I hate him even more then I did because he got the chance that he didn't deserve and all I did was come out as gay I'm sorry there personal bits in there but I'm so angry and overridden with grief and sadness and angry
  21. I've been married 30 yrs. 2 years ago, my inlaws asked us to come back to FL to help them as they were aging. We did. The day before Thanksgiving 2016, my father in law had a stroke. He was sent to rehab. Dec 29, 2016 I took mt Mother in law to the ER, she had to have a triple bypass. They both went to the same rehab/nursing home for 3 months. My FIL also had Alzheimer's. Hospice was involved with both of them after they came home and their health degraded so quickly. I think the rehab did something or didn't do something to cause this. My MIL had a stroke while in rehab because they took away her blood thinners. My FIL came home around Feb 25 2017 (give or take) and I was his caregiver all day everyday. He was a wonderfully funny & entertaining person. On May 4, he told me "I'm gonna miss you Tricia". I broke down in tears & ran out of the house. It hurt cause I knew! He then asked for my youngest son, I won't reveal what he said to him but it was nice. The next morning, he passed away. I was broken hearted. It was a joy & a pleasure to care for him. My MIL came home May 3,2017, I was her caregiver too. On June 14, 2017, I talked her into the light. She was suffering, had the "rattle" so I to,d her to head towards the light. She passed while I was talking to her & rubbing her arm & forehead. I dressed her in her favorite dress so she'd be pretty when she got to heaven. My heart was broken again. These people were like my own parents & now in 6 weeks they were both gone. I was caregiver for both of them. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I'm 55, hubby is 61. I'm taking this loss a lot harder than he is. It really hurts. We didn't even get a chance to grieve the loss of my FIL and now she's gone too. I feel responsible though hospice said I went above and beyond. I did treat them both with love, care & respect. I loved these two people. Recap FIL passed May 5 2017 & MIL passed June 14, 2017 How do I get over this? How can I stop blaming myself? Is it my fault? I can't sleep, I can't eat. My stomach is in knots. I feel sick every time I try to eat. I'm hoping someone here can at least commiserate with me. Thanks to all! The pic of them was 1 1/2 yrs ago. It's unbelievable
  22. I lost my mother at the age of 22. She battled cancer for 3 years and her last 6 months were painfully slow. It was hard losing her and I suffered from very deep depression during and after her battle with cancer. My father struggled a lot to be by her side always. He drank a lot after she died. Our whole family was in pain. Half a year after my mother died they found a tumor in my dads kidney that they thought was cancer. They removed the tumor and everything seemed well. Now I found out a few months later that he needs to start chemo therapy.. He has lost a lot of weight and I am very afraid of what will happen next. I am terrified. I am 23-years-old and the second oldest from all my siblings. I have an older brother who has been constantly living off my parents and needs more care taking than our youngest sibling. I have three younger siblings aged 22, 19 and 7. One of my siblings already stuggless with their mental health and is constantly on medication. I am basically the one who has to take care of my younger siblings and support them because I know my older sibling can't. We are all still not that mature and I am really scared. I am so sad.. I don't even know what I need. I just needed to let this all out.. I have to be so strong for my siblings yet I am suffering. How do people do this? How are people capable of living knowing they will not have their parents there? I just need some reassuring words that everything is going to be okay.
  23. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  24. Couple of questions, is being jealous of another person because they have both parents? Is this something I should be worried about, and also June 25 of this year will be a year that my mother will be gone, I feel like it was just yesterday that it happened. I'm trying to heal, but I feel so lost sometimes. What should I do
  25. First Holiday

    Hi...I'm new. I lost my mom right after Thanksgiving to Pancreatic Cancer and Alzheimers. Mentally, I started to loose her 2 years ago. I couldn't count Christmas as the first Holiday because I had to rush my father to the hospital for the third time in 2 weeks. I was taken back by how this holiday hit me because she wasn't here for a time before she died. I think it is I didn't have time to grieve when she past...dad got sick, went to rehab and then after he came home, I was setting up home care then I had cataract surgery then my daughter had emergency surgery. I think this was the first time I was able to let go. Just typing this out has helped me realize that I hadn't taken the time I needed.
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