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Found 45 results

  1. Usually when I talk about my mom, the tears come. Doesn't matter what the subject is, the instant I think about her, tears come. I can be anywhere. Then today, even though I spent a bit of the morning tearing from memories of her, I managed to get stuff done and then had to see to a customer. While I was chatting with him about work, my mom came up in conversation and no tears. I don't know if it's cos I was tearing this morning or because I was in "work" mode but nothing came. I don't know if I should be upset or okay with it.
  2. I lost my mom a year and a half ago; it still hasn't felt that long. I've honestly been too busy with life or too busy being angry, mainly with my sister. You see my sister and I have been grieving quite differently. I was a bit closer with my mom and my sister was sort if...a mess. So it was too little too late to really patch anything up. Fast forward to my sister moving across the country to live in the same city as me and for a few months we lived together and it sucked after my mom died we were complete strangers. The reason I am so fucking pissed... My mom wanted to write a book about her life, my sister and I both had the idea (very separately) to write it. At the beginning we said we would write it together and because of our weird dynamic I sat by myself to make notes and my thoughts on it and decided maybe bring it up when we didn't want to kill each other. We have talked a bit and wanted to spend time reconnecting but I feel I have just opened up myself to a world of hurt. She mentioned just a week ago that she's been writing mom's book and when she's done she would like my input. My first thoughts were, "Oh, thanks! I'm so happy I can have input on my mother." I makes me feel less important, like I'm some outsider and I feel very lonely. She doesn't ask me how I am and I can't talk to her about my grief because she doesn't listen genuinely and even over the phone I can hear her eyes glaze over and feel her mind wander. I usually get a, "just ask mom for a sign, she listens." Well great, as long as I talk to the air and imagine my mom life will be just fine. Why am I going home for Christmas?
  3. My mom passed away unexpectedly on July 9th, 2017 (a month ago). She was 64. I was the one who found her... I went to wake her up to watch TV & ask what she wanted for dinner... But she was gone... Since she passed away, I've been feeling anxiety about my dad... I've feel anxiety/fear at night after he goes to bed... I don't know how to stop being scared of finding my dad gone too...
  4. Hello all, my mother just passed away June 29,2017... that night my world shattered to pieces.. she was not only my mother, she was also my best friend... my better half.. since then I have done all that I could to stay strong.. but it's just not that easy for me.. today has been an especially hard day.. everything I see or/and hear is reminding me of her.. I hold so many regrets.. can anybody give me any advice or tips on how to get through this a little smoother
  5. Hello all, my mother just passed away June 29,2017... that night my world shattered to pieces.. she was not only my mother, she was also my best friend... my better half.. I feel like I should have seen the signs.. she had copd and kept falling.. about ten times in two weeks.. the one day she woke up having a severely hard time breathing.. I called the ambulance and got us to the hospital.. she was in and out of consciousness.. about an hour later I had to put her on a ventilator.. her heart rate eventually spiked to 165bpm and her blood pressure dropped to 80/50... they decided to take her to icu.. unfortunately on the way her heart stopped and they gave cpr.. the nurse came out and told me that she had a pulmonary embolism.. within an hour she was brain dead and in a coma.. they were giving her every possible medicine they could to keep her alive.. as much as I wanted and needed her to stay here with me I had to remember the promise I made to her "that I would never let her suffer" and so I did the most selfless thing that I have ever done, I took her off life support.. she passed within twenty minutes.. since then I have done all that I could to stay strong.. but it's just not that easy for me.. today has been an especially hard day.. everything I see or/and hear is reminding me of her.. I hold so many regrets.. can anybody give me any advice or tips on how to get through this a little smoother
  6. Hi .. hope we all are well , I just found this one Google and I'm glad because I feel like I'm going out my mind this is so long and might not make sense but hopefully it will .. so I was bought up in the care system all my life .. I met my mom once when I was 16 .. my relationship with her and her side of the family and my dad all went out of the window when I told them I was gay they all froze me out and never spoke to me again On the 5th July 2017 my mother passed away , I was told this by a Facebook status and only found out because my mind friend had messaged me and told me . All these feelings started to overwhelm me .. so anyway I sat there thinking what can I do as all my family literally blocked me on Facebook.. so I called the hospital late that night just wanting to know if they still had her body there which they did .. so basically the next day I drove 4 hrs to go to the hospital to the mourge to see my mom .. I got there and spoke to her nurse who told me she had been in there for a couple of months not all bad days .. just the day she died she went down hill rapidly .. the nurse even told me that she asked my mom's sister to tell me to come down to say my goodbye but clearly she didn't..i was told months ago about her being I'll by the same friend but she was at home as I was aware otherwise I would have gone ..so I went to see her .. she looked so peaceful all I could do is rub her head and tell her how much I love her and kissed her head a few times .. if I'm honest I just wanted to lay down next to her and cuddle her..i didn't want her to be alone in there .. I literally saw her about 17 hrs after she died so it was pretty soon after .. I'm devastated and heartbroken ..i miss her .. I wanna be able to tell her I love her and see her smile .. the reason I had to go because I knew once she left the hospital her sister wouldn't tell me anything about what funeral home she was at .. the nurse already told me she isn't inviting me to the funeral.. so that's why I went .. I really can't get out my head what I saw .. I miss her and can't sleep .. I don't care that she hated me forme being gay .. but I just want to hold her .. sorry if I've repeated bits or it makes little sense I'm heartbroken and deverstatex feel sad and lost also my this is personal but my brother was with her and he's been in prison since the age of 13 till 35 and he was there with her when she died .. I feel he didn't deserve to be I did ..and then yesterday he posted a picture of him leaning over her kissing her on her head minutes after she died to he's snap chat .. told by the same friend and sent the picture.. I hate him even more then I did because he got the chance that he didn't deserve and all I did was come out as gay I'm sorry there personal bits in there but I'm so angry and overridden with grief and sadness and angry
  7. I've been married 30 yrs. 2 years ago, my inlaws asked us to come back to FL to help them as they were aging. We did. The day before Thanksgiving 2016, my father in law had a stroke. He was sent to rehab. Dec 29, 2016 I took mt Mother in law to the ER, she had to have a triple bypass. They both went to the same rehab/nursing home for 3 months. My FIL also had Alzheimer's. Hospice was involved with both of them after they came home and their health degraded so quickly. I think the rehab did something or didn't do something to cause this. My MIL had a stroke while in rehab because they took away her blood thinners. My FIL came home around Feb 25 2017 (give or take) and I was his caregiver all day everyday. He was a wonderfully funny & entertaining person. On May 4, he told me "I'm gonna miss you Tricia". I broke down in tears & ran out of the house. It hurt cause I knew! He then asked for my youngest son, I won't reveal what he said to him but it was nice. The next morning, he passed away. I was broken hearted. It was a joy & a pleasure to care for him. My MIL came home May 3,2017, I was her caregiver too. On June 14, 2017, I talked her into the light. She was suffering, had the "rattle" so I to,d her to head towards the light. She passed while I was talking to her & rubbing her arm & forehead. I dressed her in her favorite dress so she'd be pretty when she got to heaven. My heart was broken again. These people were like my own parents & now in 6 weeks they were both gone. I was caregiver for both of them. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I'm 55, hubby is 61. I'm taking this loss a lot harder than he is. It really hurts. We didn't even get a chance to grieve the loss of my FIL and now she's gone too. I feel responsible though hospice said I went above and beyond. I did treat them both with love, care & respect. I loved these two people. Recap FIL passed May 5 2017 & MIL passed June 14, 2017 How do I get over this? How can I stop blaming myself? Is it my fault? I can't sleep, I can't eat. My stomach is in knots. I feel sick every time I try to eat. I'm hoping someone here can at least commiserate with me. Thanks to all! The pic of them was 1 1/2 yrs ago. It's unbelievable
  8. I lost my mother at the age of 22. She battled cancer for 3 years and her last 6 months were painfully slow. It was hard losing her and I suffered from very deep depression during and after her battle with cancer. My father struggled a lot to be by her side always. He drank a lot after she died. Our whole family was in pain. Half a year after my mother died they found a tumor in my dads kidney that they thought was cancer. They removed the tumor and everything seemed well. Now I found out a few months later that he needs to start chemo therapy.. He has lost a lot of weight and I am very afraid of what will happen next. I am terrified. I am 23-years-old and the second oldest from all my siblings. I have an older brother who has been constantly living off my parents and needs more care taking than our youngest sibling. I have three younger siblings aged 22, 19 and 7. One of my siblings already stuggless with their mental health and is constantly on medication. I am basically the one who has to take care of my younger siblings and support them because I know my older sibling can't. We are all still not that mature and I am really scared. I am so sad.. I don't even know what I need. I just needed to let this all out.. I have to be so strong for my siblings yet I am suffering. How do people do this? How are people capable of living knowing they will not have their parents there? I just need some reassuring words that everything is going to be okay.
  9. What Can Help?

    Hi All, Since I lost my mom, 7 months ago, I’ve been searching for a haven where I can share my thoughts and emotions, without being judged. She is buried nearly a 6+ hours from me, so I’m not able to visit her as much as I wish I could. No one seems to understand why I’ve still been upset. I lost my best friend, mother, guider, therapist, all at once. The one person I went to for everything, is gone. I recently found this website called Mourners Lane. It allowed me to create a virtual memorial just for her. I could create her a headstone, write her messages, and even add her favorite music. When times get hard, which they do, I know have my mother with me anywhere I go. I’m able to visit her grave, morning, noon or night. I know I have a long way to go before I feel even remotely close to whole again, but I have a safe-haven for my thoughts and emotions. I thought, if it has helped me this much, it could help some of you, too. If you need help finding an uplifting place to honor and enjoy the memories of your loved ones, or need a place that allows your loved one to be with you, try out www.mournerslane.com Please suggest anything else that may help. Thank you xx
  10. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  11. Couple of questions, is being jealous of another person because they have both parents? Is this something I should be worried about, and also June 25 of this year will be a year that my mother will be gone, I feel like it was just yesterday that it happened. I'm trying to heal, but I feel so lost sometimes. What should I do
  12. First Holiday

    Hi...I'm new. I lost my mom right after Thanksgiving to Pancreatic Cancer and Alzheimers. Mentally, I started to loose her 2 years ago. I couldn't count Christmas as the first Holiday because I had to rush my father to the hospital for the third time in 2 weeks. I was taken back by how this holiday hit me because she wasn't here for a time before she died. I think it is I didn't have time to grieve when she past...dad got sick, went to rehab and then after he came home, I was setting up home care then I had cataract surgery then my daughter had emergency surgery. I think this was the first time I was able to let go. Just typing this out has helped me realize that I hadn't taken the time I needed.
  13. I lost both of my parents and a sister. We had been a family of six, and a wonderful family. Seems like everybody's dying, and young, though one parent was as old as 67. It was my mom at 52, then a sister at 30, then my dad recently at 67. It's me and two sisters remaining. It's sad. My twin sister is handicapped and living in a group home. Another sister has had her own place for many years. I was living with my parents and my sister who died. It started in late 2004 with my mom. It happened very suddenly. She seemed fine up until that moment, except I heard later that she had a headache. She collapsed and died. Paramedics worked on her for a while, then took her to the hospital. We went to the hospital on our own and then were told that she had passed. We could not understand the sudden death, and I hate that she was taken from us like that, although the bright side is that without her being sick, we did not worry about her dying, before it happened, and she did not suffer. The coroner's report came back after about two months or so, said "fluoxetine toxicity", regarding a medication she was on, and she had congestive heart failure from a medication. We attended bereavement counseling because of her death. The months after her death were hard. For some time the family was missing just my mom. My household had my dad and my sister who would die. Then my sister died only a little over one year after my mom did. I have a twin and two older sisters; this is the middle sister. She had major depression and a long history of overdoses, and I worried about her suicide attempts, that she was always trying to harm herself. She took my mom's death very badly and ended up doing an overdose that was successful. She had refused to attend bereavement counseling about our mom with the rest of us, and she was the most in need of it. I guess it would have been hard for her. This sister and I were like friends sometimes. Their deaths were around major holidays, like designed by forces to ruin our holidays. Mom's was a little after Thanksgiving, my sister's was a few days before Christmas. For years I would have dreams with my mom and/or sister (I dreamed about being at the original family residence, also). Sometimes a dream would be about one of them, especially my mom, having returned after death. I wish that could happen. My family was given seven years plus a few months, before the next death, my dad. It was me and my dad living together, and we became close, and we were friends. He was very nice to me. He was patient with me. He was very easygoing. He took care of me in ways. He drove me places. I liked going to the grocery store with him, and he would often take us to eat at a restaurant before that. We went to church together. He owned a small business, doing bookkeeping and business consulting for several other small businesses. I worked for him, doing typing, and my dad kept planning for me and another sister to have major jobs in the business. He was also a tax preparer and made a lot during tax season. He had been struggling financially, and tax season was getting started when he died, and he had been planning to have several particular big clients for his business, also, and I think that was when I would do much more and get paid accordingly. I had my dad until several weeks ago. He became sick on Sunday or Monday, January 20 or 21. He said early that morning (around the very early time he normally got up) he had felt like he was dying and had thought about going to the hospital. For two weeks he had symptoms of the flu. He would get better and then be bad again. He spoke of feeling bad/awful and being weak. He said his chest and stomach hurt. He sneezed, coughed, and had a sore/hoarse throat, and had chills, all of which made it seem like really the flu. He slept all the time and didn't have an appetite. I worried about his feeling of dying, chest pain, weakness, and sleeping all the time. I hoped this wasn't something fatal. He carried on for two weeks. People tried to get him to go to the doctor. My sister (a living one) was going to force him to go to the doctor the next day, her taking him. Sadly he died the day before he would go. He would've gotten proper care. I actually witnessed his death. He seemed to be sleeping as he did a lot, and I was nearby, luckily. He sounded like he was doing a little minor coughing, then he started doing like snorting through the throat or mouth, and that alerted me. When he died, he did several of those, about 10 seconds apart, each one making his body jump. He appeared not to breathe, otherwise and after the snorts stopped. I tried to rouse him and couldn't. His eyes were open and not moving. He was unresponsive. I called 911. He was worked on for some time and then was pronounced dead. At one point as the paramedics worked on him they said "he's in", and I thought he was surviving. We had him cremated because there was no money for burial. I didn't want to deal with his body in a casket anyway. We had a memorial service rather than a funeral with a body. There were several photos and a continuous slideshow of family pictures with him in them. I liked that. Until my dad became sick, he had tended to stay healthy, even as he had high blood pressure and a lot of stress. He seemed like he would live long, much longer than 67 years. I was wrong. I'm grateful he was a little into old age. For years I had wanted him to get really old before he died, and would wait for each birthday. He turned 65 and dealt with getting Medicare. He had over two years after that. Many people had thought he was younger than he really was. He looked young to other people. Probably his good health. But to me he looked about his real age. I have felt that if someone's parent(s) would be like 80+ when dying, that's good, because the parent(s) had a properly long life. I have wished those who died had had more years. My mom would be 60. I would wish to be back at the times when they were alive, but sadly that's impossible. I had my dad until very recently as of this writing. The period I had him is so close but impossible to reach. It's that way shortly after every death. It would feel like I never had my mom or my sister, since it has been so long since I lost them. I feel a little like that about my dad already, since he has been dead. For days after the recent death of my dad, I did the normal crying, I would get emotional at times. I thought of my dad as my best friend and the person holding up the family as a parent. I may have been closer to him than to anyone else, ever. I have adjusted surprising well/quickly. I'm now living with my sister, the one who was living alone, and I have been busy with gradually moving my things and clearing out the old house. My sister will help me with my affairs and support me the best she can until I get income. Very grateful for her.
  14. The healthcare system has failed my mom. In 2013 she was found to have a lymphnode in her neck that had metastasized from an unknown site. Her pathology was sent all over the US where they eventually labeled her as having lymphoma. This was a misdiagnosis. They treated her with surgery, chemo, and radaiation. A year and a half later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a lumpectomy and radiation. She has trouble swallowing and went to several doctors who told her it was from the first radiation causing scar tissue. She also noticed one of her nostrils was closing up and she had difficulty breathing through it, again this was dismissed. She went to ER due to a severe headache and vomiting where she was found to have a brain tumor. She underwent a craniotomy where the pathology was the same as the first cancer, a metastasis of an unknown origin. Further work up revealed esophageal cancer, no wonder she couldn't swallow. It had spread to her colon, lungs, liver, spleen, bones, and nose (the reason she was having difficulty breathing)She has undergone radiation to the nose, esophagus, and brain and currently going through chemo where her cancer is continuing to grow. During this time the insurance continually denied her treatments and follow up appointments, doctors were waiting far too long between scans and visits, and no one has told her how bad her prognosis is/life expectancy. She was in good health and lived a healthy life style, only 64, Active, vegan, exercised, applied sun screen daily, didn't smoke, didn't drink. I estimate she only has a couple months left and I'm having a hard time coping. How will I get through this? She will never see me get married or have children. I don't have religion to fall back on. Seeing my dad so upset over this is also termultuous. He has seen her everyday for the last 48 years. He is clearly not in good health either and I think he will pass shortly after she does. I will have no parents. I feel useless. I feel like the healthcare system failed us. How do people get through this? I'm so upset my heart literally hurts. How did this happen.
  15. Hello. I have lost my mother last November. It still feels like the day I lost her. Even worse, if it's possible. I constantly think about the little things she asked me to do and I put off. Mean things I've said to her that could have upset her. All the things I didn't do for her. She was the most loving, selfless person I know and in the end she did not receive the love she deserved in time. Her death was sudden. She wasn't even that sick. She was supposed to get her gall stone removed and return to her normal life in a week. Now I mourn every day, every minute for her future that was robbed. I don't think I can live with myself.
  16. My mom died last September and my grief gets easier some weeks and harder other weeks. This is a hard week. I am an only child and was raised by my mother. It was just the two of us my whole childhood. She moved 4 years ago to live close to me and my husband and kids, and I am so glad that she did. We spent lots of time with her over the past 4 years. I was able to spend everyday with her during the 7 weeks between an unsuccessful surgery and her last breaths. It was just the two of us when she died in my arms......just as it had been during my childhood. I cannot believe that I will never see her again, that she will never give me that adoring look that she used to give me, that she won't see my boys grow up past their teenage years. I feel like I am changed forever. I witnessed the end of her life. I feel like my insides have shifted and that there is a huge hole in me that that can never be filled. The loss is profound and gut-wrenching. I wear her ring. It is a ring that she wore everyday for 60 years. I want to wear the ring and it makes me feel closer to her, but it is also hard because it is a constant reminder that she is no longer here. I suppose all these feelings are normal, but they sure aren't easy. I have a wonderful family, but I feel so alone in my sadness. Mom, I miss you. Love you forever.
  17. Hi everyone, I am new here. I am so happy to have found this website. I am 30 years old and my Mom passed away just over a month ago. She was 58 years old and passed away from Lung cancer. She started having pains in her back which we thought maybe she just pulled a muscle in her back, but 3 months later, she was gone. My Mom was my everything, we were best friends. I miss her so much, sometimes I just don't know how I can carry on for so many years without her. All of my friends have their parents so I feel very alone. I'm not married yet, however it's close, and my Mom and I talked about my wedding all the time. I am not sure how I will ever be able to get married without it being the saddest day of my life! Anyways, that's briefly my story.... I am looking forward to chatting with you all.
  18. Hi all I'm not sure how this works it's my first time on any forum. But I feel the need to talk to someone. Here goes... I spent the majority of my life hating my grandmother, hate is s strong word but I disliked her, a lot. When I was little I thought she was mean and too serious, never got presents from her or anything, which isn't important but as a child it stood out to me. I don't recall her ever hugging me, kissing me, or even telling me she loved me. As I got older I learned more about her, she was mean to my mom as well, it was obvious she had favorite children and grandchildren, my mother and I were on neither list. I discovered my mom crying countless times over something my grandmother had said or done to her. My step grandfather after years of being together left my grandmother, and I remember thinking she deserved it, I felt bad but she was mean to him as well and he did everything for her he was like a slave. The older I got the more I resented her, for treating my mom like crap and for never being a grandmother to me but I grew to a point where I didn't "need" her. Over the years my grandmothers health deterrioated but because she let herself go, she became very dependent of my uncle whom she lived with and did nothing by herself, not because she wasnt capable but because she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. It's just who she was. She was only 75 and she began doing her business on herself and requesting to be bathed in bed, keep in mind she was not sick and was in decent shape. Anytime I saw her I avoided her, I have an old fashion family and I would never disrespect her so I would avoid her and not talk to her and pretend she didn't exist. I also always said that when she passed I wouldn't cry that I would be sad for my mother but I wouldn't care. Yet here we are, on Monday she passed away at 75 years old. She was recently in and out of the hospital due to her lungs filling up with water from laying in bed too much, it's what I was told. Her last visit she was kept longer and they told her her kidneys were failing her and she only had 3 days to live. When I got the news I froze, I immediately felt numb, I thought "omg my grandmother is going to die and I'm not sure how I feel" but I did, I felt sad, panicked, and plain awful. I immediately went to the hospital to be with my mother in this hard time, but when I saw my grandmother laying there looking so different and out of it, I broke down and cried. It hurt, it hurt a lot and I was so caught off guard by my feelings. The next day she passed and we all went there to say goodbye, there are lot of us. She had 7 children and 18 grandchildren. They all sat around her lifeless body talking about things she would say to them and stories etc and I sat there with tears in my eyes just staring at her thinking "why didn't you love me?" I have no stories about her, no memories and believe it or not one photo with her at all. She's gone now and I'm left with nothing. Everyone tries to comfort me with the fact that she was rough and stubborn and "it's just how she was" but I see that she had at least somewhat of a relationship with my other cousins and I'm hurt. I spent my whole life resenting her and avoiding her because it was the easy thing to do, but now she's gone and I'm left here feeling like crap for the things I thought and ever said about her. I think maybe if I tried harder with her even though I do know she was a mean person, but I'm plagued with all the "what ifs". I even got in an argument with one of my younger cousins because tensions are so high and we're all on edge but now I feel even more disconnected from the family. I feel hated and I feel like I have no right to mourn her. I simply don't know what to do with all these constant shifting feelings. I'm depressed and it all feels surreal.
  19. I am 35 years old and an only child. My parents have been divorced since I was 5. Back in September 2015 (six months ago), my father lost his battle with colon cancer. We did not know how sick he was, I only got the news that he was terminal about 10 days before his death. His decline was rapid and he suffered terribly. I was there to administer his care, sat with him. He asked me if I would be okay and I told him I would. He chose a moment when I left his hospital room to let go. I have been struggling with his loss ever since, been seeing a therapist. I can't stop thinking about how he was so weak and in so much pain. I'll never forget it. So, that was six months ago. Two days ago, on March 30, I received a late night phone call from my stepfather letting me know my mom had passed away. She collapsed while sweeping the back porch from a ruptured brain aneurysm. She was 64 and perfectly healthy. I have airline tickets booked to go see her in a week. I spoke to her earlier that day and she was fine. I am so beside myself. I started feeling disconnected... laying on the couch, I felt like this was happening to someone else and I was watching. My heart is palpitating. I can't take a deep breath, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I moved up my flight and I'll be attending my mom's funeral on Tuesday. Just six months and one week from my dad's. i guess there's no point to this post... I just feel so alone in this. I need help from people who know..
  20. Hi I am Jess. This is my first time on here not really sure how to start. I guess I'll start in the beginning....Back in March "15 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her L5 vertebrae. This isn't the first time she had this battle. She had breast cancer in 1990 and 2000. Both times she had the breast removed and did chemo and was able to go back to her life. But this time is different since it's inside her vertebrae they couldn't take it out so she did a massive dose of radiation and was doing chemo. But unfortunately this time round the chemo was making her so much sicker then in the past. She could barely get out of bed and in the span of May 2015 to September 2015 she went from a weight of 220lbs to 120lbs because she couldn't keep anything down. Also the chemo was wiping out her red blood cells and her body wasn't replenishing them fast enough so she would have to get shots to help and would miss treatments until her count was up. So in October 2015 she made the choice of quality over quantity and went on hospice. Its been a lil over a year since she went on hospice. She was doing pretty well for awhile. But over the last few months we have all noticed her slowly declining. Spending more time and bed and the more she does the longer it takes for her to recover. And the amount of pain meds she is on is unbelievablely high and it's slowly taking the mom I know away. Her short term memory is gone and she will nod off in the middle of conversation and walk like she had to much to drink. But she pushes herself so hard to keep doing everything like there is nothing wrong. I work in the medical field and every time I tell one of my nurse friends the dose of mophine she is on they are like "how is she still standing". But that's my mom she is one of the toughest people I know. My middle sister is having a really hard time with dealing with it. The not knowing when mom will pass is killing her. My oldest holds it in and every now then will have a break down. My Dad i think might have a nervous breakdown before it's all over. And as for me I don't know really I have my good day and bad days. I try to let my sisters and Dad vent to me so they have someone to talk to. I have really good friends that I've talk to but I feel like such a downer whenever I bring it up. See I am at the age where all my friends are getting Married and having babies and I feel bad when I bring up my mom and they have all this happiness going on. And all this has been going for a year and a half and I feel like they are tired of hearing about it. So I don't talk about it as much. And I try to be strong for my family but there a nights I cry myself to sleep. For fear of my mom being gone and for hoping she goes before she becomes bed ridden and feeling horrible and guilty for thinking that! And know that most likely if I ever get married she won't be there to help me pick out my dress or meet any children I might have. Or wondering if my birthday this year is the last one she will be here to call me and sing me happy birthday... sorry now I am just rambling...I guess I just need to get it out there with out feeling like a burden or a downer. Thanks for letting me share.
  21. August 27, 2016, my mother passed away unexpectedly at 58 years old. I'm only 23 years old. I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past hour because the pain I feel from missing her is too immense to bear. I want to throw up, because I miss her so badly.
  22. How do I deal?

    I don't even know how to start but by actually telling how I feel. I lost my mom, best friend, only parent, my world 3 years ago to brain cancer. It was very aggressive and she only had it for 2 months before becoming stage 4. 4-6 months she had left the doctors told her but she said nope don't you put a timeline on me-she fought so aggressively back at that cancer and lasted 9 months. She never gave up or let it keep her down. Christmas Day everything changed she turned in a whole another person that was not her typical self. Me and my little sister took care of her every single day until she passed. she was my whole world she raised me by herself my dad never really wanted me so it was just me and her and my little sister. She just turned 21 last year but I was her legal guardian up until then. Even though it's been 3 years since she has passed away I'm still having a really hard time accepting her death some days I still find myself in shock that she's never coming back. I really don't talk about it too much bc I don't really have anyone to understand or even Listen. I just miss her and think about her every single day and nothing in my life has been the same since she's been gone. I don't know how this whole group thing works I guess I'm just looking for people to talk to who are feeling the same as me. I just want to know if this is normal to keep grieving this long? Any advice anyone has I'm so open to it. My mom was the most beautiful caring compassionate funny smart strongest woman I've ever known. I just miss her and love her so much. How do I cope?
  23. Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!
  24. Hi everyone, This is my first time posting here or really talking to anyone who might understand what I'm going through.... But here is a quick back story: I'm a 20 year old girl, with a 22 year old brother (who moved out almost a year ago), a dad, and my grandparents. (We all live in a house together aside from my brother). I lost my mom 2 years ago to cancer. At her funeral, instead of being there for me, most of my extended family pretty much drilled it into me that I have to be there for my dad and grandparents and I have to take care of them and take my moms place and be everyones rock. I'm almost certain my dad isn't aware of people saying this to me. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, poor communication and he is very hard headed and tough to talk to. Anyway, I'm having a fear of being stuck here and not being able to live my life. And I'm not sure if that makes me selfish. I want to go out and explore the world and travel and maybe move to another state or at least go for an extended time and figure myself out. I am so lost in life and need time to figure out what I want. And I can't seem to do that here. I just want to go. But I'm so scared of leaving my dad. I'm scared if I leave he's just going to be alone and I'd hurt him and I don't want to do that. As rough as our relationship is, I love my dad. But I don't want to continue being unhappy here. I'm so scared I'm going to be stuck here doing the same thing, day in and day out and not knowing what I want in life if I don't leave. But I just don't want to hurt him. I have no idea what to do..... Is there anyone who has gone through something similar or is feeling the same way or just has any advice in general? None of my friends understand because they have both parents, who would have each other if they left.
  25. Anyone else see rainbows and butterflies and feel like it's a sign from your loved one? It's only been less than a week since my Mom's passing and I feel like she's already sending me signs that she's okay and watching over us. I rarely see rainbows and now I've seen two in two days. I also see butterflies fluttering around out front of the house. I am having such a hard time dealing with this tragedy and I feel like these signs are offering me some peace. I really miss my mom so much. Keep thinking she will be sitting outside waiting for me to come home. We watched movies together almost every night. I still think about calling her by habit and the thought of her never answering just tears at my heart. I sleep with her favorite sweater. I will never be able to let go. I feel like crying constantly and I still can't eat much. My family and boyfriend are a great support system which I am lucky to have... but still would like to talk to others and make friends here that know how I am feeling and what I am going through.