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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Found 142 results

  1. Why are we here anyway?

    I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..! The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot. The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess, splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling ( Cancer Psychologist from the hospital). I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok! I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway). Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are meaning me! Shudder! Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else. I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone? Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive. God Bless and remember this much. Love never dies. Amen.
  2. Hi everyone, I was looking online for a support group to help me through the losses and stress and from what I can see this is a very supportive group and I'm glad to have found that. I'm 35 and feel like I should be able to handle life, stress and coping much better than I am. On the outside I look strong, confident and ready but on the inside I can tell I'm not. I'm going to say this is long right now so I don't expect anyone to read through it all (although I'm hoping, of course, that some do) and provide me with some insights or...something I guess. For me, writing is therapeutic, I enjoy it and I'm naturally long winded but I really think you need to know the whole story so you understand how I'm currently feeling. If nothing else skip to the last paragraph or 2. On July 30th, 2017 I lost my last living grandparent, my mom's dad, and by far the one I was closest to. Even though he was 90 up until a week before his death he was happy and for 90 years old, very healthy. It was unexpected and hard but I thought manageable because "he was your grandpa and you knew it was coming". I thought I was as prepared as I could have been. I was sad. I still am but I felt it was normal, manageable grief. August 4th I found out my dad had tonsil cancer and then 1 week later we learned it was stage IV. While trying to continue to learn a new job and hoping to at least feel like I was helping as much with my dad (living 1 hour south with treatment another 1.5 hours south) and my step-mom take care of their farms and getting to chemo and radiation treatments my step-dad had to have an emergency bowel resection in October. At that point we rallied the troops. Mom had retired earlier in the year so she had my step-dad's care handled. My step-mom retired and took care of my dad, letting us be as big or little a part of his care that we could and wanted to. Older brother 1 (of 3) took mornings off to drive dad to chemo and radiation when we thought my step-mom needed a break. Older brother 2 was in the middle of a life change so him moving across the country back home was good timing, he took turns taking care of dad as well. Older brother 3 helped with everything as well. I went to a couple of appointments and treatments but was mostly moral support on the phone and visits to the house. We each took time to visit my step-dad at the hospital and then when he was back at home. The end of October dad finished his treatments and we went into a waiting game until January to find out how well or if the treatments worked. So as we watched dad continue to be sick from the treatment and lose weight we also watched my step-dad get better and then worse and then better... Wounds would not heal and then they would get better. Then he would feel worse and be back in the hospital for one reason or another. Never sick enough to require more than a couple of overnights in the hospital but not well enough to just be completely better. I called my mom, if not every night, every other night. That's been our routine since I started planning my wedding in 2006 so nothing out of the ordinary. Emotionally I was there for mom and offered continued support and always asked about her husband's health and how he was doing and offering to come visit. She would of course decline the offers because she knew I was busy at work and it was a long drive for me and also because she's strong. Mom is a strong woman but she's also emotionally dependent on others. She would rather make you feel guilty for something you didn't do rather than just tell you what she wants or needs when you ask. Which leads me to December 4th. My step-dad was back in the hospital with failing kidneys. Rather, they had been failing over the last several weeks but this was the first it was really being addressed. He had a kidney biopsy and things went well so my mom started to make the long drive back home. One hour later she gets a call from the hospital saying he had internal bleeding and was being taken to ICU. That's where he stayed until Wednesday. Of course my brothers and I called and checked on mom, sent flowers, offered to drive down to visit but he was improving and she said not to. By Thursday he was back in a regular room and although he was very confused, from what we assumed was the pain medication, he was improving. Saturday the 9th, mom gets a call at 5:30am saying he was being taken to ICU and they needed immediate authorization for emergency dialysis. Of course she said "yes" and that it would be 2 hours to drive back that far to the hospital. She called me at 6:30am letting me know what was going on. Since I was on-call for work I said I could not leave until 9:30 when I could find someone to fill in for me. We decided that since older brother 3 was planning to visit the hospital that morning anyway I would come down on Sunday. I talked to brother 3 at 8:30 that morning and he was on his way to visit the hospital and would call me that afternoon with an update. 9:03am I answer the phone to my mom saying "He's gone. I don't know what to do. I can't talk". Click. Of course I know who she was talking about. Of course I know I have to do something. Of course I know I need to call someone. Problem is I didn't know where to start because I was devastated. That's not a word I had ever used until August but I was getting to know it well. I called brother 3 knowing he was driving and he answered with "I know". We were both in shock so I could not have expected anything else but all I needed to know was how long until he got to mom because even if I had run out of the house in my bathrobe straight from the shower (as I was currently running around my house) it would have taken me over 2 hours to get there. Luckily he was only 40 minutes away from mom. I didn't bother calling brother 1 because I knew he was in the woods hunting and would not get the call. I didn't call brother 2 because he's not great about answer his phone and he was out of town on business. I woke my husband, balling, and he asked if it was my dad because he could tell someone was dead he just didn't know who else I would be reacting like that to. I answered him it was my step-dad not my dad and it's funny that I remember that because I for some reason don't recall the minute details of the next 2 hours but I do remember that question. My husband was upset but completely controlled. He gave me 1 step after the other, one at a time to keep me going. I called my mom's only sister and she had gotten the same call as me so neither of us knew anything other than I needed her to get here as soon as possible. She was in the car within 2 hours making the 4 hour drive and she stayed by mom's side the entire week which we could not have been more grateful for. The next few days were a whirl wind that I know all of you know well because, hey, we are in this group for a reason. In the midst of planning a funeral for my step-dad we at least had the good fortune of starting to see improvements in my dad's health and finally getting better from the chemo. So here I am, 1 month after the death of my step-dad, 5 months after my dad's diagnosis and 6 months after the death of my grandpa. 2017 was not a good year despite having some really good times, the bad outweigh them right now. I've had some self-revelations. When my grandpa died I was completely at peace with my relationship with him. I held his hand the day before and had lunch with him 2 weeks prior. I'm not religious, in fact I'm atheist so I don't think God will help me through any of this but I do think self-awareness, strength and family will. When my dad was diagnosed I was terrified of losing him and had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach from the beginning. I still do, and I will until we get the results of his scan on Monday (60 hours from now). When the funeral was finally over for my step-dad I felt sad, guilty, mad...all the "normal" feelings. I think. But I don't feel at peace. I was 4 when my parents divorced, 5 when mom started dating and 7 when they got married, so my step-dad was a part of my life for 30 years. I'm positive that my childhood was almost, completely, all good. I have the pictures to prove it. But the actual memories about my childhood with my mom, brothers and step-dad (apart from my dad, his wife and her kids) are not good. I remember him coming home drunk, I remember them fighting, I remember being embarrassed to have friends over, I remember playing pool and darts at the bar while they visited with their friends, I remember my mom struggling financially, I remember by brothers moving out and going to college while I was at home with all of it. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 15 to live with my dad. I remember telling her it was because of my step-dad and I remember being mad she "chose him over me". As an adult I thought I had reconciled all of those feelings, that although he was not a good step-dad, he was an incredible grandpa to my 2 nephews and niece. I assumed it came with age and maturity on his part. I also realize that at times I was a brat to deal with. I never thought about the fact that he went from being a 38-year-old life bachelor to the step-dad of 4 kids ages 7-18 and how hard that probably was for him. As a now married woman I had a much better relationship with him the last 10--15 years as we both matured. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with the grief of a grandpa and a step-dad as well as my dad's health. How do I manage? What can I do to help myself grieve for everything? I'm completely overwhelmed by emotions right now, but mostly sadness. I talk to my mom and we ask how each other how we are doing and we tell each other what made us happy, sad or teary-eyed that day I talk to my husband but sometimes it feels like he's moved on and I haven't. I feel like my grief doesn't mean as much to my friends because "it was just your grandpa, it's expected" and "it was your step-dad not your dad". While that is true, it also could not be further from the truth. Does anyone have advise on what I can do, should do, read...anything to help me feel like I'm going down the right path of grief and healing? If you made it to the end of that, thank you. If you skipped to this paragraph, I understand. Basically it boils down to this. I've lost my grandpa, watched my dad battle stage IV cancer and buried my step-dad in the last 6 months. What do I do next?
  3. Last November I came back to my dorm room to find my sweet little boy Pudge in some serious distress. He was yowling, his back legs lost circulation, he couldn't move, and he was so so scared. I immediately started crying because I knew he was going to die, and despite my pleading with him not to as I drove to the vet, he did just that. The doctor told me that he was in a lot of pain, his heart was weak, he had a blood clot in a major artery, and there was nothing to be done. I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever made and I'll never forget the way he looked at me as he went. His little head was resting in my hand as I cried. He looked at me as if to say it was okay, and it was his time to go. As his eyes finally closed, and his breathing stopped, it felt as though the whole world went silent. Pudge was the sweetest little boy in the entire world and I loved him with all of my heart. I am a college student living with Major Depression and a General Anxiety Disorder. In the Fall of 2016, I decided to bring my cat to school with me as an emotional support animal and it was the best decision I've ever made. I am an RA and I live alone, so it was perfect. He helped me sleep, or calm down during a panic attack. He was there for me and loved me unconditionally. He was an older cat, 14 at the time of his death, and he LOVED attention. I would look forward to coming home every day because he would be there waiting for me. We spent hours doing homework, cuddling, watching Netflix and YouTube videos, and taking naps. You name it! He was the sweetest cat I've ever known. He never hissed at, scratched, or bit me. Many of my friends and residents commented on how close we were. He really was like a son to me. He lived a happy and beautiful life with me, and now he's gone. I just... I thought we had more time to be together. I thought he would be there for my graduation. We were going to make Christmas cards, I bought him a little sombrero to throw him a quinceñera this year, etc. I don't know what to do without him. I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ugly white box they put his ashes in. Sometimes I start crying and I hold it wishing that he were there. I need to find an urn for him but they're all so expensive, and I'm on a college student budget. I miss him, I miss everything about him. Even the way he would cry to be held at night, the way he would rub against my face when I was sleeping and he wanted attention, or how he would walk all over my laptop and disrupt my work. Now I have no one to hold, to cuddle with or kiss on the cheek. My room is silent, empty, lifeless. I could barely open the door to my room and spend five minutes in there after it happened. Now it's more bearable but I still feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I go home. I recently went to my actual home for Winter Break. I used to cry every day, but the entire week before I went home I only teared up a little. When I packed my car and put all of his stuff in it... the litter box, the food bowl, his toys, his treats... it was all too much. I broke down crying. Now I cry every night, despite my best efforts. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss because of my loss. I realize that getting better and moving on isn't a straight line. I'll have setbacks, take one step forward and three steps back, etc. But I feel like I'm grieving INCORRECTLY or something. He was my best friend, my little son, my love bug. We were co-dependent. He wasn't just a cat, he was my family. Now he's gone.
  4. Three years ago on Christmas I had my second miscarriage of the year. On December 19th I was told the baby had no heartbeat. After many tears and a lot of cursing I left the office wondering how long I had until the miscarriage would start. I was married at the time and was not working. I went home and spent the next several days numb and fearful. I had a feeling in my gut that Christmas was the day. On Christmas eve my family gathered at my mother's house to celebrate. This particular year there was no joy. I had ruined everything. My mother and grandmother were crying upstairs. My father was chain smoking and stayed in the garage. My brother did not attend because he didn't want to "be a member of crazy town." Needless to say the party broke up early and my husband and I went home. At around 11:30 my pains started. I remember trying to find a cheerful movie to put on that I could listen to while all this was happening. I had settled on Sleeping Beauty and was just reaching for case when the whole thing started. My husband called my mother and went to bed. My mother arrived to find me in the bathroom sobbing in the bathtub. Nothing prepares you for the empty feeling you get where there once was life. Nothing prepares you for sadness and heartache. Nothing prepares you for this now horrible memory that never goes away. That this particular day on the calendar is the most dreaded of all 365. Everyone you speak to about it says it gets better. That the pain will lessen over time. But sometimes it just doesn't lessen or go away. And contrary to popular belief it is okay to hate the memory, the day, and the helpless hours spent crying and raging against the world. If you were pregnant for 15 minutes or 15 weeks you are still a mother. The only hard part is accepting you are a mother to a child who is not here on Earth. That you will never watch them grow from helpless baby to a functioning toddler. You wont get to watch them wait for Santa to come. But they are still a part of you. After these three years I am just as much a mother now as I was then, watching all my hopes and dreams slide away from me. So for once I will be honest. It hurts. It sucks and no one gets you because everyone feels different about things. It's okay to be mad and jealous at people with their bouncing bundles of joy. Lets be honest, all you have is a bouncing bundle of doubt. Doubt that you will get better and doubt that that next time it will all be okay. But again, its okay to feel that way.
  5. My mom liked Christmas. She liked family togetherness, the christmas spirit, the food etc.. I never liked it because I always felt so alien in my family. I couldn't relate to them. I wasn't like them, they didn't know me really. I lived a different life, a non traditional life, travelled a lot. I used to bargain with my mom when we were going to family for christmas. What time can we leave? I need to know in advance what time can we leave? She never really understood why I didn't like Christmas but if you don't feel part of the family gang, being stuck with them all for a day is anxiety producing. Even worse when they were all coming over to my moms house because you have no idea when they're going to leave! That causes a lot of anxiety. Everyone is happy and you're not but pretending to be. Now that she is gone and I won't be going "home" for the holidays its a very weird emotion. I'm glad to not be with the family I am now mostly estranged from. Yet devastatingly sad to not be with my mother who was pure goodness. So I will be spending christmas alone. Friends have their own family functions and the closest ones don't even live in the same country as me. So as I walk through the streets of my city with pretty xmas lights and decorations, watching people rushing around, busy shopping, meeting loved ones, buying excessive amounts of food, desserts etc.. Its an overwhelming sad emotion of extreme loneliness and wondering where I even belong now my roots have gone. As my friend left town earlier to spend with her mother and family, she said, try to enjoy the day, enjoy life, your mom would want you to be happy. I realise this is well meaning, I really do but I felt an inner sadness and anger of - you have no idea!! No idea until this happens to you and you are completely alone in the world. I smiled and wished her a good trip.
  6. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  7. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  8. Loss of a farm animal

    Hello..... I recently lost a beef calf who I really loved. I wanted to share my experience with others so I wrote a blog post about my experience. Would love to hear your thoughts and if you have had similar feelings of loss from farm animals?
  9. On February 13, at 11:30 at night, I heard my husband kick back in his recliner. I headed for bed. I got up at 3, to make his breakfast and make sure he got off to work on time. He was still sleeping, which was unusual, but I went ahead and made his breakfast and when I carried it into the living room, he was still sleeping. I set his breakfast on the TV tray and reached for his foot to wake him. Everytime I think about that morning, I think to myself, Do Not Touch His Foot. Because everything in my life was good up to that point, my world still existed. But when I touched his foot, his oh so very very very cold foot, my entire world just stopped, totally. Part of me knew, and part of my was whimpering, and part of me was screaming and part of me was grabbing the phone and dialing 911 and I was yelling at him to wake up, WAKE UP. He didn't. My husband of 42 years had left me. No warning, no illness, no heart issues up to this point. He simply left. The coroner said massive heart attack, he never woke up, he didn't feel a thing, all the things that should make me feel better, but they don't, because not a damn one of them brings him back. How can I keep going without him? He died on the 14th. On the 15th, my brother called to tell me my mom had passed early that morning. I pretty much lost the rest of the week. I now write a blog, which is helping, but I have questions about my own sanity. Is it normal for me to suddenly break down, sobbing, for what seems no reason? Is it normal to go through the day, seeming okay, and then without warning have a meltdown? I wear his coat everywhere, I don't care what it looks like, it smells like him. I sleep with his T shirt. Am I going crazy? Why can't I stop crying???
  10. I lost my mom 3 months ago to lung cancer.. One day she was home and getting better, then 4 days later she was gone.. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I'm have an extremely hard time coping. It seems like the more time that passes, the more it hurts. I find myself dreading getting out of bed, having anxiety being around people even my husband or family members, and having thoughts of hurting myself frequently..
  11. I live at the other side of the world, in Rio de Janeiro. A 13 hours flight from home. Yesterday, 18th of november, I received the worse phone call I could ever have received. My mom telling me that my daddy passed away, suddenly, in his sleep of a heart attack. This huge distance anestesiates my pain because here nothing reminds me of him but this pain is already undescribable. Tonight I’m taking a plane to go home and it’s going to be the worse plane trip ever with a 4 hour lay-over all by myself and a total of 17 hours travelling by myself. I’ll be seeing those clouds and thinking about him. I can’t imagine the shock and the pain that will go through my heart arriving at the airport and not seeing my dad, just my mom and my brother with their sad faces, with their pain. I’ll go home and find everything of my daddy and not see him, ever again. I can’t imagine that this is my life from now on, that is the reality I will have to face from now on. The holiday season is around the corner and it’s going to be so much tougher, every year, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, will never be the same anymore. He was young, 62, in perfect health and so many dreams to realize with my mom. Life is so unfair! :,( Rest in peace daddy
  12. My name's Sara I'm from Oregon, I am 30 and married I recently lost my mother very suddenly on November 7th 2017. It was very hard for me and my family to watch her in the ICU and in the end take her last breaths. Honestly it's been really really hard for me since I've been taking care of her since I was 18, my life was my mom my mom was my best friend and my life. My siblings are handling it fairly well but for me it's different in the way that I spent more time with her and took care of her we were very close. She passed away from small cell carcinoma Lung Cancer that we were oblivious to since she never wanted to take a chest xray when the doctor asked. sometimes I wish I would have made her we could have caught it sooner, she was sick with pneumonia since last month and no matter what steroids or antibiotics her primary doctor gave her she didn't get well, on top of that she was taking blood thinners which I think didn't help the issue it made it to where her platelets were non existent her blood was not clotting like it should and after being sick with pneumonia the doctor was concerned of any little cut could make her bleed out she was told to go to the hospital and be admitted, tha ts when they took the xray and ct scan and found the masses and the reason why she wasn't kicking the pneumonia when she was admitted they ran tests Her pneumonia turned into septic shock and she was put on a ventilator the next morning because her oxygen kept going down to The point where she couldn't breathe on her own. In a span of five days things happened so suddenly she passed away after we decided as a family to put her on comfort care and remove the ventilator after the doctors tried everything to fix the scepsis so that she could fight the cancer but the cancer fought back with anything they tried. It's honestly feel so lost now I just honestly it's been really hard. I dont know if ill really ever get over her being gone I know she would want me to be happy and move on but right now I don't see it. And with the holidays coming up it's really hard for me to even think about really celebrating Thanksgiving was her holiday.
  13. I am re posting this written by more in another category. Many of you might not have seen it. I think it describes the process of grief and it might help some acknowledge just how torturous it can be. Written by More. More Advanced Member Members 30 posts Loss Type:Grandmother, 2 great aunts, great uncle Angel Date:1/18/2017 Report post Posted August 13 Dearest Grief, You stormed back into my life unexpectedly last May. I'd all but forgotten you. The way you weight me down so that even the day becomes long and arduous. How my heart turns heavy so that even food will not fill me. Or the way I cannot climb out of the pit you pushed me into. Last May was a little hard. The summer you stayed with me though you were not so pesky or intrusive. When the leaves fell and children collected treats in their costumes, you pushed me down hard. You did not want to be forgotten. That fall hurt, and Grief, I had not forgotten about you. The pit became a little bigger. You even gave me a Kleenex for the pond of tears I cried. Each day became longer than the last. Winter came and became the coldest, darkest time of my life. You, dear Grief, you obliterated my core that morning in January. You had no problem taking that phone call. At the hospital, you clung to me like wet clothes, drowning me in a lake of loneliness and dread. The walls closed in, panic set in. Oh Grief, life was never the same after that day. You were the first one up every morning. you took over my house, littering it with guilt, shame, anger, sadness. Always there, enveloping me. Spring came and went with you by my side. A constant reminder of loss. In May, you made sure I did not forget you. Though I somehow think you never doubted I would remember after January. The days are still long at times. Oh Grief, sometimes you take my breath away. You still hand me those Kleenex, but also still try to fill me with the lead feeling of sadness. We take turns, you and I. Who is the boss in this house? I have not forgotten you, Grief. I never will. Yours truly.
  14. My daily struggle

    Its just over 2 months since I had to have my best friend put to sleep. He was a 4 year old French Bulldog called Biggie, and I am completely lost without him. In my eyes, he was still a pup, and I had to make the decision to have him put to sleep. He had a few issues over his short life, and I did as much as I could to ensure he lived well, but the final straw we couldn't avoid and I couldn't protect him anymore. I feel like I let him down. I struggle to talk about him, think about him, or even look at pictures of him without getting massively upset, frustrated, angry or guilty.. and thats just the half of it. I read a few forums and posts on here before signing up, and I felt like it could be a good process to get everything out in words to people I don't know. Like I have said, Biggie was my best friend. I feel he was sort of my coping mechanism for life. He was by my side through a bunch of stuff like a relationship breakdown, friendship breakdowns, and self employed work stress. His support was always unwavering, always by my side and 100% dependable. I feel upset because I couldn't protect him, and he's not here anymore. I also feel upset because he's not here. I feel frustrated because he lived such a short life and he was such a great dog. His character was the best, he made me better. I feel frustrated because I use to get frustrated with his medical issues. Ear scratching, paw chewing etc, all due to severe allergies, and I used to be strict with him. I feel angry because I am not sure whether I gave him the best life for those 4 years he could have had. I feel angry at myself for telling him off and smacking his bum when he was misbehaving. I feel most anger that a dog who was just so nice didn't live a full life with me at his side. I feel guilty with all of the above and more. My guilt feels like complete turmoil and one I am not sure how to deal with without him being here. My coping mechanism is no longer here, and instead he is my daily struggle. I read a lot of posts on heartache, and how the heart actually hurts - well thats me. I hadn't cried in over 10 years to do with anything unless it was Biggie related. This included family members passing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks, well not properly, until today. Inside my own mind, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and every second in between. But I cannot speak to people about him, or look at pictures. I find it too painful. I guess I wanted to just get whats in my head out in the open. Biggie was mischievous, loving, lazy, handsome and my best friend. I miss him dearly and will do every single day. John
  15. Hi, I lost my mother one month and two weeks ago, 2 days before her 54th birthday. I just turned 27. She was violently murdered by her ex who refused to leave her house. We were best friends who travelled together and laughed together. In the last 2 years, we had never had a bad day with each other. No matter how much I strayed, I always saw her as my metaphorical candle in the darkness. Now she's gone I feel so lost and alone. I'm having trouble coping with the unfairness of this loss. I haven't slept in weeks and although I sought counselling, I still feel incredibly lonely. I've gone back to work, but nothing seems to have any meaning anymore. I worked as hard as I did to make her proud of me, now I can't find the motivation anymore. If I knew conclusively there was an afterlife, I think i'd be able to move forward, but now all I want is to be with her again. I've even started googling how to do it and I'm scared of these thoughts. Thank you for listening.
  16. My mother passed away last year, after losing her long painful battle with cancer, she passed away right in fort of my eyes at the age of 50, for the few first weeks it didn't feel real and I didn't feel that sad, my heart and my head were all empty, but as the time was passing it started to hit me, I felt such an unbearable pain, I hoped I could take my heart out of my chest and throw it away and the pain was getting bigger as the time goes by, I was acting fine and smiling when I'm around others but as soon as I am alone I would cry my heart out until I fall asleep. I'm the biggest daughter 21 years old, mom left me with my younger brother and sick father I had to be a replacement for her and take care of my family, I lived the past year with so many regrets and so many fears, I eventually fall into depression, I put an end to most of my relations with other people, I failed my studies, and I spent most of my time alone, all I did was eating non stop and sleeping, in a short amount of time I gained more than 50 lbs, as someone with a eating disorder who struggled with maintaining her weight for a long time, that made me even more depressed. Now I feel like I'm wasting time, I don't want to live the same way anymore, I decided I will get up and get a grip of my life, but I feel like I will be betraying my mom letting go of her so easily and so fast, I think she will be sad seeing me forgetting about her and living just fine when she dedicated her whole life to me, even the last thing she said moments before her death was my name, I don't know what to do I'm having a battle with myself, I'm so lost and I don't know from where I should start.
  17. You can't imagine grief and loss until you go through it. I've found its nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be as basic as sadness. How wrong was I! there is nothing basic about the swamp of grief that comes in like a tsunami and tears your life apart. For 10 months so far I feel like I am walking around with a dark cloud over me. It never leaves me, even when the sky is blue and the view from apartment is stunning, the dark cloud is still there. The emptiness is still there. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it all feels meaningless and I feel aimless. I thought the grief would be a bit softer by now but its still cold, harsh and brutal like the winter wind on my skin. If anything it is worse as time goes on. I feel overly exposed, overly sensitive, overly everything. My inner strength has diminished and I'm like a lost broken child inside. The goodness of my mother is gone and its like all the goodness has disappeared with her leaving me rootless and lost. I'm changed forever.
  18. One day I will feel better. Not next week or next month, maybe not next year but one day....I hope. One day I won't be so heartbroken, so sad all the time, so empty inside...I hope One day my life will have meaning and I will interact in the world without this constant sadness that encompasses my whole being....I hope. One day I will not hold onto the anger, I will just let it go and I will feel lighter without this heavy stone I am dragging around on a chain around my neck....I hope. One day all my embarrassing coping mechanisms will disappear....I hope. One day I won't feel this debilitating loneliness...I hope. One day someone in my life will actually remember to ask me how I am? and remember I lost my mother....I hope. If they actually do, would I have the courage to say, I'm not ok? I don't know.
  19. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  20. Any good websites re grief and loss

    Any ideas on good websites re survivors of suicide. I think I have been on most of them. I have even gotten through the tube videos on suicide survivor loss. Some of it was helpful,and a lot of the information was the same. Anything brand new that might have come out in the last 6 months or so. Getting bored with going to the same websites for information.
  21. New tonthe Forum

    Hello Everyone, I’m new to the forum. I lost both of my parents a day apart 2 weeks ago. It was Monday September 18. My son was eating breakfast and I was getting ready for work. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. It was my aunt (my father’s older sister). I felt my stomach drop because it was unlike her to call so early unless something was urgent. I answered the phone and heard the fragility in her voice. My father had died earlier that morning. My world as I knew it had been shattered. We talked every singles day several times a day. That was my best friend. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt. That night I received a phone call thst my mother was actively dying in the nursing home she’d been living in for the past 5 days (in Utah)I called into the wee hours of the night to find out her status. In the morning I called to check on her again and was told she had the “death rattle.” I knew it wouldn’t be long until she passed. I asked the nurse to put the phone to her ear so i could speak woth her one final time. As we made our way to TN (where my father resided) later thst morning, the nursing home called to tell me my mother had died. Words can’t really give justice to my emotions. My mother was a drug addict and she died as a result of the disease. I don’t she ever realized how wonderful she was and that she deserved better. I know there is someone out there that can relate/understand what it’s like. If you’re out there, please talk to me. Today has been a rought day on this journey and i could use a companion. If you got this far in the post, thank you for reading. I pray we are all able to move forward.
  22. I never imagined to be typing words on a grieving support group site today... July 27, 2017, A day I will never forget. The day I lost my mother to death. You know what pains me the most? The fact that she died alone in our room. I am an only child, 27 years of age and my father passed away on October 20, 1989. I was born on October 15, 1989, therefore I was only a mere 5 day old infant when I lost him to death. Basically, my whole life is just my Mama and I. She took care of me, educated me, fed me, gave me EVERYTHING, did EVERYTHING. She sacrificed 27 years of her life for me. I saw the moments of hardships, pains, and disappointments she endured just to give me a life that is comfortable. We would always go to bed at night and watch music videos of my favorite artists, or watch her favorite movies. We would laugh and cry together while watching, haha. Days before she died, she told me she was not feeling well. We were eating then and after she finished her meal, she suddenly felt not too good. She lied down on the bed and rested. For the first time, we didn't watch any videos because she rested instead. I was worried, but not too much as I thought it was a simple flu. I gave her meds when she woke up, even talked to her. She said she is going to be fine anyway so no need to get so worked up. Next day, I went to work. I couldn't leave her because it felt like my feet were too heavy. She said she was fine and just needed a cold glass of water, which I gave her. She told me "Go, or you'll be late", and I did go. That was the biggest regret of my life. If onlys and what ifs filled my existence now. If only i didn't leave, If only I had taken the initiative to call a doctor, if only I called an ambulance, If only I was by her side before she took her last breath. I was worried the whole day at work. It's like something is bothering me for some odd reason. I decided to take an early out at work. I needed to go home that's what I thought. I passed by a vendor who sells banana cue (it's a popular snack in the Philippines, it's basically sweetened bananas on a stick), it was her favorite snack and figured she will be happy if I buy three sticks of it for her. I went home and it's like time suddenly became so slow. I unlocked the door and I saw what will be the biggest nightmare in my life. I...saw my mother, leaning on the side of the bed, frozen and not breathing. I literally just looked at her. I did not know what to do. After a minute or two, panic sets in and I saw my hands shaking while dialing the numbers on my mobile phone. My phone even froze on me and I screamed the biggest curse I have ever said in my entire life. Minutes after, Medics came in, saying no heartbeat and no pulse. Nothing. She might have died at around 9AM. I saw her at 4:24 PM. Upon hearing what the medics said, I shook her, I poured water on her face, I slap her, I beat her chest, EVERYTHING out of desperation. I then broke down and cried. The reality slowly creeping on me that YES, she is gone, Christine. Our lives together suddenly flashed in front of me. I couldn't even grieve properly because I have to process her death certificate and cremation permit file the next day. Who would have thought I would process that damn death certificate?! I was angry and bitter. It felt unfair. She, at the age of 54, died of a heart attack. That's what the coroner said. Up until this day, my head is still swimming around that day when I found her body. I still work, eat, take a bath, doing what Humans normally do but it all felt pointless now. Waking up everyday is a pain. The only motivation I have is that I know my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life away. She suffered 27 years and for me to just throw that all away is like being an ungrateful child. The least I can do to her is show her that her sacrifices didn't end up to nothing. I guess this void in my heart will always be in here now no matter what. I'd be happy one minute, but sad the next. I know time will heal me, but I also know it wouldn't heal me completely.
  23. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  24. This is my first post in any type of forum about my loss, so please bear with me. Additionally, this post involves an LGBTQ relationship. If you are going to be negative about that, please take it elsewhere. There will also be mention of sexual relationships. So, on Father's Day weekend, my dad's dad died. He passed away on Saturday after a battle with stomach cancer. I was never close with him but it did still hit very close to home, of course. Just as I thought Father's Day weekend couldn't get any worse, my mom's dad passed on the holiday itself. My Pop Pop raised me when my mom was not able to and even when she was able to. We were so close and when she told me the news, I went into absolute hysterics. I saw him every single weekend. We talked on the phone every day. He was my best friend--the person closest to me in this world. And I am spiraling. Due to how immensely I am struggling, every aspect of my life is suffering. I can't concentrate at work, I have a vacation coming up that I am in no way excited for, I don't want to go out after work, I've stopped going to the gym and I've been gaining weight from not wanting to eat right, and my relationship with my partner is becoming rocky. I know that my partner loves me. Having anxiety and depression issues of their own, watching me cry and breakdown every single day for a month can't be easy. Last night, my partner told me that they feel as though I am withholding all affection from them. This confused me, as I felt I was being extremely intimate and close. The only thing going on is that we have not had sex in a while. Prior to the passing of my Pop Pop and grandfather, I was having some medical issues. I got those cleared up and then the deaths happened pretty much immediately. I don't want to think that my partner is just feeling negative feelings towards me because I don't feel comfortable having sex. I want to have sex, but every time we're about to, I think of my grandfathers dying and it is extremely graphic and depressing. I then feel guilty because my brain tells me that I should be grieving, not having sex, and then my body responds to that guilt and everything has to stop. What do I do? How can I get myself back to normal? It has been a month and I know it's going to be hard for the rest of my life, but I need to get myself back on track before I lose everything.
  25. I lost my mother over a year ago fighting cancer. Im young and I was so attached to her. Im only 14 and its so hard for me. Im still coping with losing her. Thats my mom you know. I still cry when someone talks about her or when we go visit her. I feel like its never gonna change and im going to always feel sad. I get mad because why would god take her from me when he knew that she was my all. Everybody always tells me its going to be okay but they don’t understand the pain im going through. I just need advice or someone to talk to who has lost a parent also.
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